James Interlude
As soon as he opens the door he knows that something is wrong. It’s eerily quiet until Icarus weaves through his feet and purrs against his leg. The cat never does this, mostly because he’s never the one to arrive first before Regulus and he loves to sit with him ignoring even the sound of the door. Yet here he is. James tries to brush it off, it’s nothing. Right? Why does everything feel off?
He doesn’t have any missed calls or texts from Regulus, meaning that nothing should be wrong. Maybe he just went home instead of coming here today. Maybe he had a long day talking about the book release and just needed some time alone. Nothing to worry about.
Except of course for the fact that the flat looks a bit of a mess. More than it did this morning before he went to work. Signs that someone has been here and no longer is. Someone left in a hurry. There wasn’t tea sitting on the counter half made, there wasn’t a phone sitting on the counter. Confusion fills his mind and he tries to rationalize away the pit in his stomach. The worry that something bad has happened. Everything should be okay, what could go wrong? He really can’t think of anything, that’s how good things have been recently.
“Er– Hi James, you alright?” A voice comes from across the room, he realizes he hadn’t even looked up yet.
“What are you doing in my house? Not that you aren’t allowed here, I’m just… confused. Did Regulus let you in? Is he in my room?” He tries to just go with what’s happening, hoping the answers to the questions in his head will slam into him eventually.
“I should have called instead of showing up.” Remus stands and fidgets with his hands as he walks over.
He just stands there even more confused. This feels wrong, like it was never meant to happen. Yet he has no idea what is going on. Remus has never been like this, he’s usually very straight forward. Hating the in between and the uncertainty of things. The worry bubbles up even more because of this. What happened that brought him here on short notice? What’s so urgent that he didn’t have time to think it through? James’ breathing catches in his throat, not too tight but enough that he has to focus on keeping air moving through his lungs.
“Come sit and I can explain.” He suggests and he obliges, he trusts his friend even if this feels overly ominous. “So you know how you gave your boyfriend’s books to Sirius?”
“Yeah, a few weeks ago. Did he lose the copies or something? I can always get new ones.”
“No it’s not that. I don’t have all the details I came here first–”
“Spit it out, what happened Remus?” He’s getting impatient and his nerves are growing exponentially. He doesn’t mean for it to be harsh, he just can’t help it.
“Sirius is Regulus’ brother.”
Brother. Regulus’ brother. The brother that James hates without having to meet for what he did. The brother that he, not that long ago, said he would punch on sight. The brother that he said he would instinctively know is him. The brother that left Regulus all alone when he was far too young to be on his own in an abusive household. The brother that Regulus thinks about and misses and loves and hates all in the same breath nearly every day. That brother is Sirius. He’s met Sirius, he likes Sirius, he became friends with Sirius.
That can’t be right. None of that makes sense. Sirius is not the type of person to do that. They haven’t spent all that much time together, but James is fairly certain that can’t be true. Remus would not be dating someone that could be so horrible. That could abandon someone they love when things get hard and never return. No, none of this is right. It just doesn’t make sense, the world isn’t that small.
But the sick feeling in his stomach comes full force. Panic washes over him. He was right to think that something was wrong, to come home and immediately feel the difference. Regulus isn’t here, but he was. He was here until he came face to face with his brother’s boyfriend. He knows that much, considering the fact that his phone is on the counter and he’s not here anymore. His hands shake and he wants to get up and run out of the flat to find him, though he has no idea where he is. He wouldn’t have gone home and that’s really the only place he can think to look.
Running wouldn’t do anything to help. Not running after him, if Regulus doesn’t want to be found or needs time alone, he’ll make sure he gets that. So really James is at a loss. What can he even do now? This is all his fault. How could he have done this? Is it even true?
“No, that’s– are you sure? How is that possible?” His eyes are wide but he rubs at the behind his glasses.
“Considering how Regulus ran out of here when he found out, I’d say I’m pretty sure.” Remus really does try to keep it light but it doesn’t translate perfectly. “How much do you know?”
“Almost everything. I just never knew his name I guess.” Should he have pushed Regulus to talk about it more with him?
They spend an hour or so piecing everything together. As much as they are able to. Filling each other in on the things they didn’t know and matching up whatever they can. Starting with when Sirius left, which of course he knows, it matches the same anniversary day that Regulus nearly set his house on fire. Three cousins, all older, all left home at some point. Remus adds more color to how Sirius started reading the books and hasn’t put them down yet. James holds back most things he can that he knows Regulus wouldn’t want shared.
Supposedly one of his cousins that he has since reconnected with is with him now. He files that away, knowing that when he talks to Regulus again it likely won’t go over well. His brother found and spends time with their cousin before he found him. It’s a complicated thing, and James knows he has very little understanding of it. He’s never had siblings or even cousins for that matter. He doesn’t get it, Regulus would be sure to remind him that if he tried to be anything other than supportive. He just doesn’t know how those relationships work, it’s not his place.
He knows all of this. He is happy to help Regulus through any of it if he needs, to be a shoulder other times, or a distraction whenever he wants. That’s not their entire relationship, of course there is so much more to it, but when it comes to his family… This is the best James can do. And he was doing it well, he really was. Until he wasn’t and fucked up more than he could ever imagine.
James loves him more than he knows what to do with and he can’t imagine hurting him. It’s entirely unfathomable to him. He did it without meaning to, he had no way of knowing. Even still, he thinks he should have known. He should have been able to tell. Or he just should never have given the books to anyone. Regulus doesn’t like people knowing he’s the author, but there shouldn’t have been any harm in this. There wasn’t meant to be.
It just so happened to be his brother. The chances of that are insane but the stars aligned in the worst way possible.
He hates letting people down. He hates messing up. More than anything. Even as a kid he would do everything he could to be perfect so that he wouldn’t do anything wrong, he would get everything right and the people around him loved him. As he’s grown, he has slowly learned to let go of that, he doesn’t have to be perfect to be worth loving. He can make mistakes. Regulus has helped with that, he used to really not like him but that’s changed. With that he learned to let go of control a bit, he can’t decide how everyone will react to him for them.
Did he let go too much? Did he get careless? He wasn’t even trying to be perfect or get anything right when he gave Sirius the books, he just thought they were becoming friends. Friends share books, they talk about their lives, they do all of those things. It shouldn’t have been wrong. But in not trying to be perfect, he messed up horribly with Regulus. He wasn’t thinking of his boyfriend through any of it, he wasn’t thinking about how it could affect him. Even without knowing that they are brothers, he still should have been more careful.
The panic subsides as the night goes on, but the pit in his stomach only grows. James starts to think more clearly, more objectively. Thinking about what he needs to do next, where do they go from here, how he finds Regulus. Damage control. That’s what needs to happen. He’s just not exactly sure how to go about any of it.
He’s not alone though. “I should probably get back to Sirius soon, he’s– well you can imagine.”
“Right yeah, you can go whenever. I can handle it.” James fails to hide the shakiness in his voice.
“Do you think Regulus is okay? Or at least safe? I have a feeling Sirius is going to want to know.”
“I… I think so. I hope. He knows the city enough, he hopefully just went home.” He can’t imagine him doing anything else, but he can be reckless at times when he’s stressed. “I don’t know what to do. I fucked up so badly…”
Remus squeezes his hand, a comforting presence. Most of the time he would be glad for more time with his friend since they don’t see each other nearly enough. Something is just tainted between them now. “You didn’t know, it’s okay. He’ll forgive you.”
“Will he?” He whimpers, but quickly recovers. “I– I’ll figure it out. What are you going to tell Sirius?”
“You tell me. What would Regulus want?” The answer takes him by surprise.
“He won’t want to see him. Not like this, not yet.” James shakes his head, knowing this is the only definitive thing he can do to help.
“Okay, that’s yeah. I can tell him that.” Remus shuts his eyes as he breathes in and nods.
He knows that won’t go over well. None of this will. At least he can keep Regulus from getting even more overwhelmed, he can help somehow. Right now he’s barely confident in the fact that he still has a boyfriend, but he wants to help and he wants to protect him. Even if he was the one to cause the hurt in the first place.
Late in the night, though really it’s morning judging by the light peeking over the horizon, Remus lets himself out. Him being here helped to calm him down, but he couldn’t fully settle. Not when everything he knows about Regulus’ brother is swirling through his mind and attaching to Sirius. He still can’t really make sense of it. Those are two very different people. Though Sirius is closer to the brother he has heard, albeit very few, happy memories of from Regulus’ childhood. There is a connection, he just hates it. He hates the bad parts, there are too many of those.
Now he’s alone and he hasn’t felt this alone in a long time. It’s not even fair of him, he shouldn’t be thinking of himself. He should be focused on Regulus. Is he home and safe? Is he spiraling out of control on his own? What is he thinking?
As if on cue, his phone rings and he answers immediately with no hesitation. “Is he okay?”
“He’s home, we’re with him.” Evan flatly says, giving nothing else away.
“You’re there with him? Okay that’s good, can I–” He should be there.
“Yes, me and Barty. No– no… You c–”
James cuts him off. “I should be there. I can help, I’ve got him. Please…”
“It’s not time. Give him space. We’ve always had him, we can handle this.”
“I know you do, but I can help too. He needs me too. I want him to be okay.” He pushes a little harder.
“No. I’m not fucking around James. Stay away. If you want him to be okay, stay the fuck away.”
“Okay.” James deflates. He knows that he needs space, he just doesn’t like it. He doesn’t want Regulus to isolate himself. It’s not that he doesn’t trust their friends, he just knows he would help, that he cares more than anything and that can be enough. He just wants to hold him and tell him that everything will be okay.
“If– When he’s ready I’ll tell you. Just wait for him to reach out. We can handle it right now, I have to… Nevermind that. I’m going to come over and get the cat, okay?”
“Okay,” he repeats even weaker than before.
The call ends. He’s just alone in this, at only his fault. For now he has Icarus on his lap, but that lasts only twenty more minutes. Evan is in and out in thirty seconds with the cat. Of course he would want to bring him back to Regulus’, that is his home. It just hurts. The flat is eerily quiet again and now he knows why.
He throws his phone to the side, not really having a need for it now. It will be a while before Regulus will talk to him again. He can’t even go to his other friends, they’re all either with him or he has Remus but he’s off the table now too. Though in a last effort he clicks on Pandora’s name to call her since she isn’t with Regulus. She doesn’t answer, though maybe she’s just busy or still asleep. A few minutes later he gets a text, and his heart pounds hopefully.
Pandora [08:12]: Can’t talk right now, you okay?
He doesn’t manage to text back before he gets another. She must have had messages waiting for her.
Pandora [08:13]: What the fuck James? No really, what the fuck? I take back my concern for how you are.
Now James really tosses his phone away. There’s no one left to text, there’s nothing left to do right now. He’ll just have to wait. For the storm to pass, for the dust to settle, for the tide to roll out, for the fire to go out.
-
He shouldn’t, but he does anyway. He wallows in it. James spends days doing absolutely nothing. Sitting with the sick feeling in his stomach not knowing how Regulus is actually doing, yet still knowing that he’s hurting. He’s hurt because of him. None of their friends will answer him, so he’s left in the dark. Maybe he’s okay and he’s just not ready to see him. Maybe he’s figuring out how to talk to his brother before dealing with his boyfriend. More likely than not though, he’s doing exactly the same thing as James and barely moving from his bed or the couch.
It’s all he can do though. He’s not welcome elsewhere and he doesn’t even have work to distract himself at the moment. Besides, this is what he deserves. He hurt Regulus in a potentially unforgivable way. He broke the trust on the one thing that is the most fragile. Family. His brother. Not things that he has ever taken lightly and will never be able to just let go. He’s fairly certain there are a lot of other things he could do that would earn forgiveness faster than this.
If he ever gets it at all.
The most he’s able to do is pull things to eat from the refrigerator or order take away. He hasn’t spoken in days though, he knows his voice will be hoarse when he does talk again. This isn’t healthy but if Regulus is suffering then he should too. He should at the very least feel the same amount of hurt.
The television stays on most of the time. A show he’s seen before plays episode after episode in the background, he pays attention to none of it. His phone hasn’t been turned on in days. Everything just keeps moving, the sun rises and sets but the weight on his chest never lifts. Some moments are filled with panic, worry, or fear. Others are just numb.
After what is most likely four days, possibly more, he thinks there may be a chance that Regulus will be ready to talk. Even if he wants to yell and scream at him, that would be okay. He just misses his voice. Maybe he’d want more information, to know whatever James knows about Sirius now. Seeing as he’s seen him and talked to him more recently. Of course there isn’t much he can offer, though he has direct access to him now. He could connect them again, he could bring them back together. Wouldn’t that be good? Once he’s sure Regulus has said he wants that, he can help it to happen. Whatever he wants.
It takes time to dig his phone out of the pile of blankets and pillows that have accumulated since he last used it to call Pandora, but he finds it. Though it is dead, as he suspected. Once it has enough charge to turn on, he sits with it unlocked and connected to the charger as he waits for everything to load.
There are missed texts, but no calls. It could be anyone. He doesn’t tend to disappear like this for days at a time, but the people he talks to constantly, the group chats, anyone who would notice a few days, well they aren’t talking to him. He swipes open the messaging app to see who actually wants to talk to him.
None of them are from their group of friends, they are likely all at Regulus’ still anyway, but they would use a separate chat now too. There are a few he doesn’t care to look at now, and some spam ones that he should just delete. The one chat that catches his eye leaves those untouched, pulling all of his attention. He should have expected it, and if he asked Regulus what he should do, he would likely want him to just delete it without reading it right now.
James is weak right now unfortunately. He wants nothing more than to talk to Regulus, to make things right with him, to hold and comfort him, to give him anything he needs. The closest he seems to be able to get to that right now is his brother. His brother that desperately wants to talk to him too, or James if that’s the best he can get.
It’s a bad idea. One he shouldn’t do. So of course he does it. Sirius only said he wants to talk to him, no mention of Regulus but he isn’t naive. That is what he wants to talk about, but he didn’t ask about him in the text. James can talk to him, innocently, not saying anything Regulus wouldn’t want him to. He can do that, there really isn’t any harm in that.
So instead of responding or thinking it through rationally he just clicks call.
“Hi!” He excitedly answers in less than one ring.
“Hey Sirius, is it okay that I called?” He’s not usually one to call without warning, he doesn’t usually prefer phone calls either. This just felt like the easiest thing to do.
“Yeah of course. Is it– are you alright?”
“I…” James hesitates, this isn’t about him. “Yeah, are you?”
“Getting there. My head has been spinning a bit.” He admits. “Is he… Can you… I don’t even know what to ask, sorry.”
He sucks in a breath, hoping that Sirius will say something else. The subject has no chance of changing, there’s only one thing, one person, for them to talk about right now. He was the one to call, he knows he can’t escape that. He opened the floodgates. If roles were reversed he would want to know anything he possibly could. James swallows his fears and panic down deep, trying to sift through what he can and can’t say.
It’s really a guessing game. What he knows is that Regulus loves his brother, he also hates his brother. He misses him and he has been so terribly hurt by him. He hasn’t seen him in eight and a half years, but he never expected he would get to see him again. Most of the time he’s assumed that their paths would not cross again. Even on the days that he wants to see him, wants to talk to him, Regulus has still been hesitant. He’s trying to protect his own heart, keep himself from getting hurt again.
On top of all of that, James has anger in his chest. He remembers the first time Regulus told him about that night. And the following days. He can feel in his heart how his boyfriend’s broke. Too young to experience that much hurt, yet he did. There was no one to shield him from it. He had already been hurt three times before by practically the same thing, and then the worst possible thing happened, or rather was done to him.
It infuriates him. James sees red behind his eyes and knows that is fair. He shouldn’t just allow Sirius to be absolved of any of it. Regulus hasn’t fully forgiven him, even if on some days he’s not angry at all. He left too, he understands, at least that’s how it seems to James. It’s not his place to decide, it’s not his place to put forgiveness.
He does know his anger and his hurt, he meant it when he said he would hate his brother for what he did if they ever met. It’s just more complicated now. He didn’t meet Sirius as his brother, he met him just as who he has grown into away from their family. It’s different. It has to be different.
James does his best, he listens to the voice in his head as he tries to navigate this conversation that he initiated. “I probably shouldn’t say much. He– It’s complicated. You know that.”
“I know. I just– that’s my baby brother. I want him to be okay. I’ll take anything you can give me.” He pleads.
“That’s hardly anything at all.”
“That’s okay. I’m respecting that he won’t see or talk to me yet, just give me something please James, please.”
With the hand that’s not holding the phone he cracks his knuckles just to stall, to release any tension. “He’s not talking to me right now, so even if I could I have nothing. His friends have him, so he’s okay at least. Just not… I don’t know. I wish I knew more right now too.”
“He’s not talking to you? For giving me the books?”
“Yeah. I fucked up.” James sighs.
“You didn’t know. None of us knew. You couldn’t have known.” He tries to comfort him, though he knows he doesn’t deserve it. When he takes too long to say anything back, Sirius continues on a bit of a tangent. “So it was purposeful that we couldn’t read them? Andy said something like that, that she had seen them but couldn’t buy it. We’ve been trying to figure it out, but we couldn’t. That confirms it though doesn’t it? Oh he’s sneaky. Why would he do that? He shouldn't be angry with you for it either, you didn’t know. Someone should make sure he knows that, have you tried?”
“No, I– I’m giving him space. That’s what he needs right now.” He avoids confirming anything, but he knows that Evan is responsible for all of that.
The mention of Andy gets him thinking and he hates the train of thought. That must be one of their cousins, James isn’t sure of anyone’s names to really know. But that’s likely. He wishes he knew which one, not that it makes a difference. Regulus will be hurt even knowing that his brother has reconnected with any of them before him. He has a bit of an all or nothing mindset sometimes and this will be no exception.
It’s not for James to judge, it’s not his place to decide anything at all. He’s found himself in the middle of a complicated family and no way out. Even if given the choice, he wouldn’t want out. He wants Regulus and whatever comes with him. He’s happily been through everything else with him, even things at a distance when they were nothing more than friends or friends of friends. Now though, he’s the shoulder that Regulus leans on, and James wouldn’t have it any other way.
So he’s really in it with this family, but being in the center of this particular conflict is not a fun place to be.
“Oh alright, that makes sense. He can be stubborn. Though you would know that since you’ve been with him more recently than me. Is he still stubborn?”
This brings a laugh from deep inside and he can’t resist it. “Yeah, incredibly so.”
“You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to or that you think he wouldn’t want you saying, but I can’t help being curious. How long have you been together?”
“Not quite a year, but around 8 months or so.” It’s not saying much really.
“Are you happy together?”
He smiles, trying not to let the current fear that they won’t be together longer settle in. “Really happy.”
A sound comes through the phone, something choked back, swallowed. Then, “Good, I’m glad he’s happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for him.”
It really takes all of his energy to not bite back. To not yell through the phone that he’s the reason Regulus had to fight to find happiness in the first place. That things would be different, easier even, if he hadn’t left his brother alone in that house. The words burn in his throat but he keeps them contained. Sirius won’t want to hear that, he probably already knows.
“Yeah, me too.” He says instead.
Silence falls between them, only a faint buzzing from the phone persists. There is too much more that needs to be said, and yet still so much that he won’t say. Not until he talks to Regulus at least. It’s for him to decide. If he wants to see Sirius, if he wants Sirius to get a peek into his life or more. Except there is another thing he can, or perhaps should say just so that it’s out there.
“You’ve read the books now? All of them?”
“Almost. I couldn’t pick up the fourth one yet. That’s mine isn’t it?” He practically dares him to say otherwise, desperately clinging to something that James doesn’t understand.
“It is.”
“After the other night, I just– I had to wait. I get sick every time I think about picking it up.”
“Right well, all I want to say about the books, since I can’t take back having given you them… Just don’t try to get the last one when it comes out. Not without talking to him first. He should get a say in whether you read his story or not.” James keeps his voice level, steady. Which really doesn’t take much effort at all, he knows this is what Regulus would want. No question about it.
“I–”
“Don’t argue, please. Just agree to this.”
“Okay. Whatever he wants.”
“Good, and Sirius? We probably shouldn’t keep talking for now.” His voice is similar but not the same as Regulus’, he can pick out every difference and he would much rather hear the younger one’s voice now.
“Oh. Right. Okay.” He goes to hang up, but he stops him. “James? Last thing, can you… Can you tell him I love him?”
“Okay. I’ll tell him. Don’t go looking though please. He wouldn’t want it to go like that.” James ends the call before he can let anything else be said, before anything more can be asked.
He’s immediately out of breath. Whether he was holding it or the wind has been knocked out of him he isn’t sure. He just wants to see Regulus now. But he knows that he needs to wait longer. His boyfriend is stubborn, as obviously pointed out by Sirius, and he can’t push too hard. It would end worse than it already will if he does. At least when he sees him there will be something positive to say. Everything can happen on Regulus’ terms now, he’s made sure of it. As much as he can.
Feeling like he has more energy now, James starts moving. He spends hours cleaning the flat, barely pausing for even a second. He cleans things that haven’t even gotten messy since he shut himself in. He cleans everything. It doesn’t help him think, but it quiets all of his thoughts. It’s the most he can do right now and if he sits idly he would do something stupid.
-
A few more days go by. James spends them either distracting himself or sleeping. This time slightly more put together than the first few days. At a week, he begins to get worried. Simply because he hasn’t even heard anything from Evan or Barty or Pandora. Usually they would at least text.
Though usually doesn’t mean anything now. This isn’t usual. This is an entirely unique situation that none of them know how to navigate. James is the most lost. The others were there when Sirius left. They know how Regulus can get better than him. They have been friends for years, over a decade, they know best. Except he would really appreciate it if someone just let him know that he’s alive and breathing. That he’s going to be okay even if he isn’t right now.
It would help ease his mind slightly. It would stop him from doing stupid things. For a moment he contemplates calling just to check in, but he stops himself. He just wants to know. He can’t fully calm down, he can’t stop worrying, and the only thing that would settle him is seeing Regulus. He can always make things better. And for a time James thought he could do the same in return. They are each other’s rocks, or they were.
The eighth day since everything happened, James paces. He doesn’t sit still at all and it doesn’t help his nerves in the slightest. It’s not like there is a timer on this. Whatever this is. Grief is the first word that comes to mind. Regulus is grieving the life he’s had in the time between Sirius. Though that’s not exactly it. Maybe it’s the same worry and panic that James is feeling, but amplified. Mostly he’s pretty sure it’s just uncertainty mixed with hurt.
None of this was supposed to happen and he definitely doesn’t know where to go from here. It’s too hard to just go on as he was. He can’t fully ignore his brother, who is right under his nose. He’s right there. They are in the same orbit. It’s not exactly easy to break that again. Regulus would have to be the one to do it this time, and he wouldn’t have that in him. James knows, there is too much love that even the hate can’t overpower it. Even if he wants it to right now.
As he paces in his flat he nearly walks out the door at least four different times. Which is a conservative estimate. In reality he almost leaves every time he passes the door. He stops himself though, he has to think it through. He has to be prepared. Mostly he just has to wait until he is okay with whatever the outcome is.
When he woke up this morning he would not be able to accept if he went to see Regulus and he was turned away. Now it isn't exactly much different, but he’s at least trying to convince himself it is. By the time the sun goes down, which given that it’s nearly December isn’t that late in the day, James decides that if he doesn’t hear from someone by the morning he’s going over there.
Of course no one texts him. James could have reached out at any point, but he knows that he was told to wait. Just sit around waiting for Regulus to be okay with him again. He can’t stop worrying. He’s driving himself insane. He has no idea what is going through his head and he wants to be there to help. He should be there. At the very least he wants to apologize.
He just wants to see him. He just wants to see for himself that he’s okay, or that he will be okay. That he’s alive and breathing and getting there. It doesn’t matter if he’s angry and hurt, James just wants to know that he isn’t tearing himself apart. He just has to see for himself. Then maybe he can breathe right again.
So on the ninth day he wakes up, gets dressed and goes to get coffee. It’s the most he’s done and it takes more energy than he expects it to. But he does it because he knows that he should not show up unannounced and empty handed. So he goes to get Regulus’ favorite coffee from a coffee shop on the way.
Somehow he forgets until he’s there and sees him through the window, that this is the same one where he originally met Sirius. If they hadn’t talked already he would be on the verge of a panic attack. Instead he walks in and acknowledges him with a slight nod and tight lips. No room and no invitation to talk more. Not yet, it’s not time for that.
Still he notices Sirius watching as he orders two coffees instead of just one. He can feel his eyes on him as he takes them when they are ready and walks out the door. It doesn’t stop him, though it does rattle him ever so slightly. However they don’t talk so there is nothing more to say about it when he sees Regulus.
The rest of the way to his house is torture. They don’t even live far apart but it feels like it takes forever. Moving through molasses to cross the gap that has grown between them. In so little time. They were sleeping in the same bed nine nights ago. So much has changed, practically everything has.
Having the coffees to hold helps to steady his hands. There is less room for him to fidget and lose focus. You would think that yesterday or any of the days prior that James would have figured out what he would say. He had so much time to practice, he could have rehearsed an entire monologue to say when the door opens and they see each other again. But he didn’t.
Maybe it’s best that he didn’t, it wouldn’t go exactly as he wants it to anyway.
He expects the others to still be there, to be on guard. To be ready to bite his head off as soon as he arrives, before he even gets the chance to see Regulus. Honestly it will be a nice buffer, a moment to pause before letting words spill out of his mouth. He might even have to say everything twice, just to get them to allow him access to his own boyfriend.
It comes as a complete shock when he rings the bell and the door swings open, Regulus standing there.
“Oh, hi.” He stupidly says. “Er– this is for you.”
“Right, is that all?”
“No, I want to talk. If you will.” He has to be willing, James can’t force this.
As he waits for an answer he studies him. His clothes are hanging off of him, not really put together. Purple stains beneath his eyes as if he has barely slept, which is likely the case. His cheeks are a bit hollow and his hair is messy but tucked behind his ears to keep from falling in his face. As tired as he looks, James knows that he has looked worse before. This time is partially or mostly his fault though. It kills him.
He expected this, but he still feels a punch in his gut seeing him in person. Seeing the effect this has had. It stops him in his tracks at least, he can’t physically push at all. James doesn’t dare move, he doesn’t dare step inside, he doesn’t dare breathe.
This is what he wanted, what he needed. Just to see him. James doesn’t expect him to agree to talk, it’s better that he didn’t prepare anything too. Otherwise he would spit it out, wanted or unwanted. It would do more harm than good. Quickly Regulus confirms that. He’s not ready to listen, and that’s okay. It’s on his time, it’s whatever he wants right now. Even if not being with him feels like he’s drowning.
“I can’t. This is… I just can’t.” Regulus presses into his eye and around to his temple as he shakes his head.
“Can I say something before you push me away?” He doesn’t have anything prepared.
“Okay.” Unexpectedly, miraculously, he agrees.
“I didn’t know. It doesn’t fix it, but I didn’t know. I swear.” James swallows before saying the riskier things that he probably shouldn’t. “He loves you though, he wants to see you.”
“You talked to him again?” Betrayal creeps in through his voice. It’s shaky.
“I’m sorry. I told him to not do anything, I told him to just wait. It’s on your terms from here.”
It doesn’t fix it, but it’s the best he can do. It’s all James has to offer. Some control. Something to keep Regulus from spiraling further if it’s possible. He would do more; he would move mountains for him; he would set the world on fire if he asked. But this is all he has right now. A promise in a way. He’s broken his trust, but maybe this will be enough to build it back up. All he can do is apologize. So he does, he whispers over and over just waiting for him to say something else.
“I’m sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.”
“It’s up to me?” He only nods in response. “Okay. I– I need time. I can’t do this right now.”
“That’s okay. Whatever you need. Can I do anything?” He stops himself from begging for forgiveness.
“No, I’ll… text you. When I’m ready. Okay?”
James nods and the door closes. He waits a moment, waiting until he walks away and further back into the house. Far enough that he can’t hear, though he secretly hopes he’s still just on the other side of the door.
“I love you. I’m sorry.” He says into the cold air as he starts to shiver. All he can do now is wait.