too much
“So…” James hums while tracing his fingers up his arm mindlessly in ever changing patterns.
“So what?” Regulus replies.
His eyes are closed and he’s totally relaxed sitting next to James. It took him a bit to get used to the fact that he has never in his life been able to keep his hands to himself for more than thirty seconds, and even that is pushing it. But Regulus is used to it by now, and honestly misses him a little bit whenever his hands are not on him. That is not something he will ever admit, but James knows. It’s why even when they aren’t doing anything he carries on with light touches like this. Sometimes it even calms him down.
“When are you going to let me read the book? I saw the advanced copies in your office.”
“You’re not. You already know how it ends.” He tenses.
“That’s not why I want to read it. I want to read your writing, that’s how I fell in love with you first. Come on,”
“No.”
“No?” James pushes, though he really shouldn’t.
Not about this. There are things in his story that aren’t fun, they’re even worse than if he tried to tell it all to him out loud. Publishing it is different, his name isn’t attached to it that way. He’s even been wary the whole time while sending edits back and forth with Alice. Even just last week when the final copy was sent to Dorcas, he freaked out. They know him, and they know that this is his life. It’s utterly terrifying knowing they can now see into his brain, especially his brain during the worst time of his life.
That’s what it boils down to. He’s not entirely proud of who he was then. Things were different, everything in his life fell apart so quickly. Regulus had no one. It’s not exactly a novel with a happy ending, though it could have ended much worse. That doesn’t even matter to James, he knows it wouldn’t. Regulus has him now, he still has his friends, there’s just a few pieces missing. He doesn’t have Sirius, or Narcissa or Bellatrix or Andy. The most important people in his life aren't even here.
It’s not a happy ending as far as he is concerned. And as much as he has let James know of his past, that one night and the weeks following, have been kept locked away as much as he could manage. Constantly fighting against revealing too much. That has always been hard for him. Not knowing how much to let people in. Not knowing how much to hide. Too much pushes people away and then you lose everything, not enough keeps everyone at a distance and then you never have anything. James isn’t a gamble he can lose, so it’s easier like this, right?
“I would rather you didn’t read it.” He holds firm.
James sighs and readjusts to face him directly, taking his hands in his. “I’m not going to think any differently of you once I read it. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know.” At least he thinks he knows that, nothing is ever certain as far as Regulus is concerned.
“If you really don’t want me to, I won’t. But I want to.”
It takes him a moment to answer. The thing is, he does want James to know it all. If he has his way, James is never going anywhere. Permanent fixtures in his life get full access to him, there aren’t secrets lying around every corner. No one new in the last eight years has managed to become a permanent fixture, but James could. He doesn’t want to give him any reason to leave, and he can’t take any pieces of Regulus with him if he does.
“Okay.” He mutters. “You can read it.”
Part of him instantly regrets those words. Okay maybe all of him regrets it. But James has never given him a reason to worry, he’s not going to hurt him. That’s something and he does trust him. This is just… Another level of trust. The only people who have read it so far are his editor and publisher. Because they have to, and even that freaked him out an insane amount. Alice read the final version without telling him she was going to, and he took two days to answer her after she said she finished it. And she had read it before.
When Dorcas read it, she let him know before she started it and when she finished it. That honestly wasn’t any better. He couldn’t move or do anything the whole time. Regulus just sat there staring at the phone waiting for her to text him back. He missed a dinner reservation with James during that time and also didn’t sleep for at least twenty four hours. Probably more. So this is bound to be worse. He’s already panicking.
“I promise it won’t change anything, love. I love you.”
“I love you.” He knows his voice sounds off but he can’t fix it.
“I’m gonna go grab it.” James gets up and his hand darts out to stop him.
“Now?”
“I mean, I was thinking that. I’m excited to read it.”
All he can do is nod. This is not what he expected of today, not that they had other plans. Really all they would be doing is sitting around tonight. Though at this point, that is most nights. Especially since he finished writing the book, that was when he could really start dedicating all of his time to James. There’s nothing else that matters right now. Except for the fact that he’s now getting a deep look inside of his mind and he is ready to bolt.
As a kid, he didn’t run. There was nowhere to run to, that’s what it really comes down to. Even once he knew he could manage if he ran, and once his cousins had started to leave, it was easier to stay. After all, he was the last one left. The one who stayed. The one who wouldn’t dare leave anyone behind. Youngest, maybe, but that never meant you couldn’t be the one to leave. Nothing was truly cementing any of them there other than themselves.
Andy proved that, she proved that getting out was possible.
Narcissa proved that the youngest sibling wasn’t stuck and doomed to be the last.
Bella, well she proved that she would do anything for her sister including leave.
Sirius proved the worst thing of all. He proved that he could leave Regulus behind, alone.
What about Regulus? What did he prove other than that he is someone others abandon? That he isn’t worth it. That he stayed until everyone left. Because everyone leaves. Eventually they all do, it’s inevitable, and the whole time Regulus stays. He stays and he stays and he stays.
Is it him that pushes people away? It’s been so long and really he doesn’t blame the others for leaving, but sometimes he wishes he had been the one to go. That Sirius took him with him when he ran. Or even that he had the courage to leave rather than be left. Isn’t everything easier for Sirius? Wouldn’t that be easier for Regulus now? If he was the one to leave before James ever has the chance. He could run, he could disappear.
But it’s James. Who looks at him like he is the center of the universe. Like he isn’t made up of broken parts. Looking back up at him, into his deep and soft brown eyes, he can’t run. There’s no way he could ever leave this man. He hasn’t done anything to make Regulus think he would leave, so he should stay too. He wants to stay. For the first time in his life the present is more impactful than the past. Staying is the harder option now, but it’s an infinitely better one.
“Okay, yeah you can read it now. It’s in my office. I’ll go watch TV or something with Icarus.” He nods and walks toward the door before he can change his mind again.
Icarus is just in the hall, so he scoops him up and carries him to the couch. His soft purrs soothe him as strokes his back. This will all be fine. James can read it and then they never have to talk about it again. Better to get it over with now than wait not knowing when he would decide to read it. Maybe he’ll speed through it and after tonight it’s behind them. Which means just today is hard but he’s had hard days before. He can handle a hard day. He always does.
The best thing he can do now is distract himself. Keep from thinking about Sirius. A nearly impossible feat once he’s crept into his brain for a time, but he’ll do whatever he can. With the book done, the series done, he would prefer to shut that chapter of his life. No more books. It’s officially done, entirely in the past. That will never happen but it would be better if it could be entirely done and dusted. At least he can keep them separate as much as possible. Think of them only as characters in a book series, nothing more.
He flips through the channels on the TV, not finding much of interest. Only watching a few minutes of anything he lands on before changing to the next. That wastes about thirty minutes of time, not nearly enough for James to have made much progress. Icarus has fallen asleep across his legs though, so he’s stuck on the couch until he decides to wake up and move. Since he needs to settle in, he pulls up a list of movies and finds one he has seen quite a few times and hits play. Maybe he can drown everything out for a bit.
About halfway or maybe a bit more through the movie he realizes he did zone out. Only brought back to reality by the sound of rustling bags of crisps in the kitchen. The cat isn’t fully awake, but not fully asleep either so he carefully lifts him up to cradle him in his arms and creeps around the corner to the doorway of the pantry.
“What are you doing?”
James jumps. “Shit babe you scared me.”
“Are you having a snack while reading?”
“Er- yeah?”
“No.” Regulus shoves him out and steals the crisps from him. “No eating with the book, that’s why it stays in my office. You can’t mess up these copies.”
“I’m not going to mess them up by having some crisps, come on give them back Reg.”
“Yes you will. You can have these back when you’re done.”
Reluctantly James goes back to the office empty handed. Seeing him still in a good mood while reading, not looking for an escape route in the house, is a good sign. It should ease his mind. And for a moment it does. He can just pretend he’s reading another book, not his. They’re just doing separate things for a bit. They do that sometimes, it’s okay. Everything is okay. For just a moment.
That is until it’s not. And he’s back in his head. That’s the worst place, even when everything in his environment is good, his head is bad. Reminding him that James will have passed the part in the book where he woke up to find out he was the only child left in the house. The worst few days of his life waiting by the window for Sirius to come back and rescue him, only to get yelled at for missing school and every meal for those days. The following weeks where he was a shell of a person. Feeling emptiness everywhere he went, a ghost.
He doesn’t want to have to face James after he reads that. Knowing he was barely surviving. Coping, regretting, mourning, anything but living. He didn’t want to be there anymore, he didn’t want to be anything anymore. That’s not who he is now, he’s glad that he’s here now. But back then he already felt buried alive, it would have been so easy to just cease to exist. To take the variability out of his life, do something he could control. He would never now, he’s happy to be alive now. Before the panic can take root, he pulls out his phone to call in reinforcements.
Regulus [15:21]: What are you doing?
Barty [15:22]: Nothing… why?
Regulus [15:22]: Come over
Barty [15:23]: Why? What happened?
Regulus [15:24]: Nothing. Nevermind. Forget it.
Asking for help is not exactly his strong suit. If Barty comes over he will tell him he’s being dumb thinking the worst, and maybe that’s what he needs, because he is being stupid. Everything is fine. But the nagging feeling that if it’s not…
Regulus [15:25]: Can you come over?
Pandora[15:30]: I’m with Lily, what’s up? I can come if you need!
Regulus [15:31]: It’s okay, have fun.
Pandora [15:32]: I texted Ev, he’ll be there in five, I’ll come later if you still want me to. I promise
That’s fine, it’s better than being alone right now. Even if this will give his friends even more reasons to tease him about James, it’s fine. They haven’t been able to in ages because he really isn’t embarrassed about his relationship like he was in the beginning. They’re just together now, simple as that. Nothing in the world matters more to him than James right now. He can focus on that, and everything feels okay.
It does only take five minutes before Evan, and Barty, who tags along everywhere Evan goes, let themselves into the house and find him holding Icarus close to his chest. Breathing is easier with an animal weighing down on his chest, as counter intuitive as it seems. They laugh when they are still far enough that they think he can’t hear them, but he does. Evan looks at least a little bit worried, but Regulus is okay. On the other hand Barty looks ready to pounce and pile on the jokes about him freaking out.
“We’re here now, you gotta tell us what’s wrong. Those are the rules.” Barty plops down on the other end of the couch making himself right at home.
“You’re insufferable.”
“You’re the one who asked for us to come.”
“Seriously though Reg, what’s up? Did James do something?
God he hates being vulnerable, even with them. “No- well yes, but he’s not doing anything wrong.”
“More words please.”
“No laughing Barty.” Regulus shoots a glare in his direction. “He’s reading the final copy of my book… and I’m kind of maybe freaking out a little bit.”
He watches Barty barely hold back a laugh, followed by Evan whacking him with the nearest pillow. The sound of the collision startles the cat awake. He pets him, lulling him back to sleep on Regulus’ chest. The other two exchange a look and then turn their attention back on him, with more sympathy than usual. More than he ever sees except for on his two worst days of the year.
“If he says anything stupid we’ll kill him.” Barty confidently says.
“Yeah, whatever you need us to do we will.”
They mean that, both of them. He knows they do, and that’s how they end up deciding to stay here for the rest of the night. At first it distracts him and that’s good enough. His mind is still stuck, but at least he can’t slip too deep into the darkest parts and get so lost that nothing can pull him back out. The three of them just lounge around and catch up on their lives. Well they know everything with Regulus, and none of it is anything he wants to talk about.
So Barty and Evan carry the conversation, making sure he chimes in and is engaged the whole time. They had just gotten back a few days ago from a trip they went on to Italy, so they have plenty to talk about. All of their usual antics, getting far too drunk and nearly ending up in a jail cell, or sleeping on a bench in a park because they forgot to book a hotel room one night. It’s amusing listening to them, and it does exactly what it needs to. It keeps him present and distracted.
Time starts to pass by without him realizing it. The sun has set, a while ago now honestly. At some point one of them turned the TV off and put music on instead. It doesn’t matter either way, he just prefers to not have the house be quiet. It hardly ever is. Definitely not when his friends are here. If it’s quiet then the only thing to fill the space are his thoughts and that’s hardly a good idea.
He doesn’t even have anything to do with the thoughts now that the book is done. That’s the newest problem he has to deal with. Everyone tells him that he should try writing again or even journaling. To be fair to everyone else, that wouldn’t be all that much different than how writing the books went. Except to him it is different. He’s writing about characters in a story. It’s based in truth, but it’s been so many years that he can pretend it’s not real. That’s how he does this. Anytime that it feels too real, he has a meltdown about it, but who could blame him for that?
The sound of a door closing sounds over top of Barty’s laughter. In his lap, Icarus’ ears perk up and he leaps off him and runs to the hallway. He can feel his whole body tense up and his hands are bound to start shaking any second now. Before anyone can notice he shoves his hands in the pocket of his hoodie and tries to take a deep breath. It gets caught in his throat but he manages to release it before James rounds the corner with the cat cradled in his arms.
“Reg!” He calls, then stops now in his view. “Oh, hey guys what are you doing here?”
“Come sit, we’re about to start a movie.” Evan helpfully fills in.
“I wanted to talk to-”
Barty cuts him off. “Great idea, it’s movie time.”
His boyfriend looks at him with a puzzled expression. Valid. He’s not getting any explanation but at this point he should be used to that when it comes to their friends. Nothing ever happens with a reason attached to it, at least not for everyone to know. They’re doing this to help him, Regulus is aware of this. And James just looks confused, not upset, but he can tell he wants to say something. He wants to talk. So a movie it is.
As he makes his way over he is careful with Icarus, but lets him hop out of his arms when close enough to the couch. James settles in next to him, leaning his head on his shoulder. Momentarily he catches Regulus’ eyes, ready to say something, looking for the go ahead, but it doesn’t come. Regulus doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t want to know what he has to say now. Well, he does, but he doesn’t want the conversation that will follow, because there will be one.
It’s been hours, so maybe he finished it completely, or he just needed a break and that’s why he emerged. The strength to ask him even that simple yes or no question evades him. Sinking into his arms is easier and better anyway. A movie will buy him two hours to think, or not think, and then maybe it won’t feel like as daunting of a conversation as it does now. Or maybe he will just need Barty and Evan to move in and never leave his side for long enough to let James say anything about the book.
Right so, he’s going to have to talk about it eventually. He knew this. It’s just sooner than he expected. It was delusional of him to think he could avoid this. What he really needs is a break. From himself. Just a little bit of time where nothing exists, where he doesn’t exist, where nothing can happen to him. Then he could find a way to keep going through all of this. Because there is more to come.
The best part of being an anonymous author is that there is no press for the book. Dorcas handles the publishing and getting the book out to people to review and promote, he doesn’t have to do anything. Even the launch party is run by her entirely. He technically isn’t even required to be there, he’s just a guest on the invite list. But every year Alice and Dorcas essentially force him to go, though pretending they don’t know him the whole time. This year he’s dreading it even more. It’s still over two months away, but it will be a disaster. His worst birthday in years.
“Baby?” James whispers.
“Hmm?”
“Are you here? You looked lost.”
He nods. “I’m here.”
His hand is taken in his and squeezed gently. Regulus knows he was fading though only because there’s too much to think about. He wants to be here and present, but it’s already too late for that today. The movie has been playing and he hasn’t caught a single moment of it. He isn’t even sure what was put on and trying to pay attention now doesn’t even help. He’s still just as lost. But what he can focus on is the soothing circles James is now pressing into the back of his hand and it does wonders to ease him.
The whole point of this tonight is to keep James from having any time to so much as mention the book. Yet all Regulus wants to know is if he finished and what he has to say about it. There’s bound to be hundreds of thoughts swirling in that pretty little head of his right now and he needs to know them. It will eat at him until he does. He doesn’t want them, but he needs them. And knowing them means talking about it and he also doesn’t want that.
James will say they should, he’ll need to talk about it. He won’t force him, but if they don’t then every time they are together, which at this point is most of the time, he’ll know it is all just sitting there on his mind. There is no winning in this scenario. Not when he’s sure that even if reading that gives him a better understanding of why Regulus is the way he is, he will also know too much. It gives him more ways to eventually hurt him. Because everyone does eventually.
“Another movie? It’s not that late, I think we could. What do you say, Ev, want to stay for longer?” Barty says before the credits even finish.
He can tell James is already either glaring or rolling his eyes, though he can’t see him. It’s too much effort to pull himself from the arms wrapped around him, but he knows. James tilts his head down to kiss his temple before whispering close to his ear. “Can we get rid of them now?”
They should, he knows they should. “Okay. You can go.”
Evan raises a brow at him “You sure?”
“Yes. Go. We’ll see you later this week probably.” Regulus confirms. “We can stay right here, baby.”
As their friends leave he nestles more into James, curling up and burying his head against his chest. It’s nice here. He never wants this to change, he never wants anything to come between them. By the movement of his chest, the pattern of his breathing, he knows he wants to say something. The words are sitting in his mouth currently unsaid. Caught until it feels right to let them go. Regulus could ask, he’s dying to ask, but he won’t. Not until he has savored this moment enough to be okay with everything changing.
“Reg?” His own breath hitches at his name leaving his lips. “We don’t have to talk about the book if you don’t want to. I’ll never ask you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”
“So you finished?” Regulus keeps his face hidden.
“I did. It was the best one.” There’s more he wants to say, clearly, but this time he waits and bites his tongue.
“We’re going to have to talk about it eventually. Might as well get it over with.”
“Hey, no we don’t have to ever. Whatever you want, love.” James cards his fingers through his hair.
“Let’s just do it now. It’s okay.” He isn’t quite sure what he’s saying.
James nudges him to get him to sit up. He’s the one who is good at talking, he knows how to do this. Then again, he isn’t the one whose boyfriend just read the worst parts of his life written out on paper. He simply has no idea which parts he is going to bring up. Or maybe all of it. The parts he doesn’t know, or didn’t know before tonight. He knows most of the ways he struggled as a kid, before he came out, when he couldn’t do anything without his parents tracking his every move.
But he doesn’t know Sirius. He doesn’t know how much Sirius meant to him. Or how much he did for him to protect him when he could. How him leaving meant Regulus had no one and had to face the wrath of their parents all on his own. He wasn’t used to that. He didn’t know how to do anything on his own.
The first taste of doing things alone was when Narcissa left. Before then, they had each other almost always. Even with her being a few years older, they were in all of the same dance classes and spent all of their time together. All of the good and the bad. Without her, Regulus just had to persevere. Dealing with both the pressure from the instructors and his parents. It was a lot and sometimes he isn’t sure how he even made it out the other side.
“I know you’ve said you hate your brother before, and I get why, you don’t have to explain that. Do you sometimes still love him though?” He dives right in, going for his heart first.
Because yes, fucking hell yes he loves his brother. That doesn’t change anything that happened though. It doesn’t change that he resents him. That doesn’t change that if he saw him tomorrow he would scream and punch him. Would he tell him he loves him? Did he tell him he loved him before he left? Those aren’t questions he knows the answer to. Too much has happened.
“I don’t know. S- He- It’s complicated. I hate him for what he did and I know it wasn’t meant to hurt me…” Regulus trails off.
“But it did.”
It hurt him so much. More than he should have let it. That’s why he doesn’t let people get too close. It gives them too much opportunity to hurt him. Sirius leaving nearly wrecked him beyond repair. And honestly he hasn’t been the same since. It changed everything, it changed how he acts, it changed how he thinks. It changed him. All he can do is nod in response to James, slowly moving his head, trying to keep it together.
“Yeah it did. I don’t know if I can forgive that. Not that it matters because I’ll never see him again, but still.”
“That’s okay, I don’t forgive him either. You deserve everything. I know I wasn’t around then, but I would have taken care of you then. The best I can do is be here for you now.” He leans in and presses their lips together.
“It’s alright. We don’t have to worry about it now. He’s not here. It's just…”
“It still affects you, I know.” James finishes for him.
Everything will always boil down to this. To how things went down while growing up. Regulus hates it, he hates being this way. It’s not fair of him to assume that James is just going to leave one day because everyone he loves does. That isn’t James, he isn’t someone who leaves. He isn’t someone who hurts the people he loves either. Throughout their entire relationship he has been nothing but caring. It’s honestly a bit foolish of Regulus to think he could hurt him. He hasn’t and he won’t. That much he knows, at least deep down. He trusts James, more than he trusts most people, maybe more than he should, but he does.
They lay there for a while longer, sinking back into each other as they always seem to do. There is a lot more that James wants to say, probably more that Regulus should be willing to talk about. They do talk about the first night he spent on his own, somewhat dancing around the crux of it. Regulus didn’t want to still be there, he didn’t want to still be alive. He kept going because of the hope that Sirius would come back for him. Even after so much time had passed, the feeling lingered. Sometimes on the worst days it still does.
Sirius never came back, but Regulus never let go. If he wanted to, he could find him now. Most likely. He’s never tried. It couldn’t be too hard, assuming he stayed in the city, or even if he left. Regulus is more than capable of doing it. The thought that there was a reason he never came back for him, or why he hasn’t tried to reach out and find him himself, is what keeps him from looking. He can’t be the desperate little brother clinging to something and someone that left him eight and a half years ago.
“If you ever want to talk about… him, you can.” James almost calls Sirius by his name in the book, but it clearly doesn’t feel right.
He doesn’t fill in the blank, it’s easier to keep it separate if he doesn’t know much about Sirius. “Yeah, I know. I don’t right now. Is that all?”
“That was a lot of it. Reading it just filled in a lot of gaps of what you had told me before about leaving. I’m glad you got yourself out and were able to take care of yourself and get your surgery and everything. That’s a lot to do all on your own.”
“I wasn’t entirely alone, I still had my friends. I distanced myself from them for a bit right after I left just to like… make sure my parents couldn’t find me and try to pull me back in. But they were there to help after a few months.”
“Good, I know those months were hard. Being alone is hard.” He squeezes his hand a little tighter. “One other thing I was thinking about…”
“Yeah?”
It could be anything. Regulus expected the questions about Sirius, that’s really the main part of all of it. There are hundreds of details about himself in this book, little pieces of him, thoughts that swirl around his brain. Things he hasn’t said out loud to anyone, things he doesn’t think about much any more. But of course James has questions. He wants to know everything about Regulus, he always does. In the past months, he’s talked more about himself than he has in years. He’s revealed so much of himself to James. Sometimes it scares him.
“Do you miss other things from then? Like you stopped dancing, do you regret that?”
“Oh. Well I guess sometimes… It was never the same after N-...after my cousin left. It was our thing together and as bad as it could be sometimes, it was time that we got to spend together. I think I guess I regret continuing with it after her, it took away from the last bit of time I could have had with my brother before he left. I do miss it though.” Regulus thinks aloud.
What he doesn’t say is that he doesn’t miss dancing as much as he misses Narcissa and Sirius. His other cousins too, but those two were the shining lights that kept him going through it all. He never would have survived without them. Sometimes he doesn’t know how he did once they were gone. He barely did.
That doesn’t need to be said, James read about it. About how for the first few months, after the initial pain subsided, after he decided to keep going, decided against taking the easy way out of it all, he was in survival mode. Everything was about just staying alive and getting through the day. He didn’t have a plan. He didn’t know what would happen the next day, much less far in the future.
Every day he just had to survive. That’s what it was. Keep from upsetting his parents as best he could. It’s why he didn’t dare cut his hair until his eighteenth birthday when he was already out of the house. He packed his things the week before, not that he had much at all that he would be taking with him, but the few things he did. Mostly memories, like the letter Sirius slipped under his door. It didn’t say where he was going or anything like that. It barely said anything at all, just that he loves him.
“That makes sense. You could always find somewhere to dance again if you wanted to. I’d love to see you in action.”
“Maybe one day.” He might never be ready to dig up that part of his past, but maybe.
“Whatever you want.”
“Is that all? Nothing else you want to know?”
“Yeah. I don’t need to know everything. You can tell me more if you want to, but I’ll never force you to. I can tell it’s hard.” His voice is soft, Regulus nearly melts.
“I don’t mind you knowing. It’s not like you’ll ever know them.” Regulus trails off.
“I wish I got to meet them before it all, to know the versions of them that never hurt you. But they did hurt you, Reg. I don’t need to know any more than that. If I were to ever see them, I would hate them for what they did. None of it was fair to you.” James’ softness turns tense.
He sucks in a breath at the thought. “I have no idea what I would even say if I saw him or any of them again.”
It’s not going to happen, so he shouldn’t think about it. Though it makes him wonder if any of them have found each other again. Bellatrix left right after her sister, likely to try to find her. Maybe she succeeded. That would be nice, none of them deserve to be on their own. It’s not like he’s still struggling after all this time. He doesn’t wish that on them either. Even if they did abandon him.
He sinks into James even more, knowing he’s okay. He has people who care about him. This is all he needs. A loving boyfriend who would do anything for him, that doesn’t pity him for all that he went through to get to where he is now. Arms wrapped around him protecting him from everything. No one can hurt him with James right by his side. He wouldn’t let anything happen to him.
“If I ever saw him I would punch him immediately. If you were wondering.” He retorts.
“How would you know it’s him?”
“Gut instinct. I would know. I’d hate him instantly for hurting you.”
They both laugh, the sound echoes through the room and he can’t help but let his lips settle into a smile. Everything is okay. Better than he thought it would be when he let James read the final book. That was the right decision. There’s understanding there now. More than before. James has known how much his past affects him for a while now. But this is different. This wasn’t the other books, this was his. He won’t do anything to break his trust, not that he would have before, but he knows how important that is now.
Everything feels lighter. The weight of the world isn’t only on Regulus. Soon, in just a couple of months now, this will all be over. No more stories to be told. It will all be out in the open. The only thing will be making sure none of them read it, but that’s something Evan will keep handling. Everything would change again, everything would come crashing down if they read even just one of them.
The world, Regulus’ world would catch fire. Burning everything in its wake until nothing is left. That’s the most likely scenario. Though it could all be okay, the five of them could all have each other to lean on again. No part of Regulus lets him hope for that, it’s a one in a million chance. He’s never been lucky though.