the first book
Somehow work always gets busier as soon as the summer starts to end. The weather is still nice and yet… Work just keeps piling up. It’s fine really, Bellatrix likes work some of the time. It isn’t bad and it gives her something to focus on. Though she is happier now, she has more to do when she leaves the office now. Mostly spending time with Narcissa.
Lost time. They lost too much of it and she would like to make up what she can. Even if Cissy says she doesn’t blame her for any of it, at least not really, she still carries the weight of it. She could have helped her more, given her more of a reason to stay. She wasn’t the best sister compared to Andromeda, but they are still sisters, they were still close once. And maybe they can be again. It seems they both want that.
She should have been a better sister in the past. Looking back she has no idea why she wasn’t. Of course she was trying to please her parents, but that couldn’t have been all she did. They wanted her to take over the family business and as much as she cared what they thought, it was her sisters that mattered to her. All of those nights that Narcissa was struggling, what was she doing? Bella may never have an answer to that, but she is going to be better, she’s not leaving her sister to fend for herself any longer.
Mending their relationship is the most important thing to her now. Work is just work, it doesn’t take precedence and it never will. In her mind, Narcissa has always been a priority, but now she will be in action too. She’s determined to make sure to keep that as a promise. Nothing will hurt her again, certainly not her.
It’s nearing the end of the day, which means Bellatrix is just staring at her computer waiting for enough minutes to pass to make it an acceptable time to leave. She has quite a few clients that are wrapping up with their editors, meaning they will be her problem soon. There are some that she hasn’t worked with before, which is always either a nightmare or a dream, and then two that she already knows and actually likes. They are easy, pliable. They listen to her, as they should because this is her job and she knows what she is talking about.
What she is really glad for, is that she doesn’t have the same client, or anyone as bad as the one that Dorcas has been on the phone with for two hours just a few desks away from her. At some point it seems their playful conversation has turned into an all out screaming match. Or at least it has on her end, the author on the other end could very well be talking normally. She can’t hear them through the phone, so that’s at least a good sign.
“I need you to use your brain, please. I know you have one! Or at least you used to!” She yells into the phone while rubbing at her temple.
Bellatrix nearly bursts out laughing. That was probably her putting it nicely, and knowing herself, if this were one of her clients she would have said much worse. She would love to hear the entire conversation honestly. When other people have difficult clients it’s entertaining, but when she has them herself, pulling all of her hair out until there is none left seems like a better option.
Though, she does genuinely like Dorcas. They have been talking more when they are in the office and have even gone out for drinks a few times. They might even actually be friends now, meaning she should go over and talk to her after she hangs up. Maybe give her the opportunity to vent after what must be the most aggravating phone call to ever happen. Plus, when there is drama that doesn’t affect her, she absolutely wants the details.
Just as she gets up to walk over, Dorcas’ voice gets quieter and miraculously more calm. “You know what, okay. Fine. I’ll talk to you tomorrow and we will finish planning this out. We can meet at a cafe so that I won’t kill you while we figure this out.” Then she hangs up the call and lets the phone drop from her hands.
“Rough client?” She understates.
“And friend at this point too, unfortunately. I’m going to kill him. He’s refusing to cooperate.”
“Which one is this?”
Dorcas spins her chair around to continue talking, leaning back as she sighs. “The one with the four books, fifth coming out in December. Have you read them? I think you would love them honestly. I might have copies somewhere.” She looks in one drawer, but quickly returns to talking. “You would think he’d be better at this by now, but no. He still refuses to listen to any of my opinions on how to do the press for this.”
“I don’t think I’ve read them, but if you have a copy yeah I’d love something to read before my clients get me their new books! He sounds like a piece of work.” She leans against the desk to carry on the conversation, something she would not have done two months ago at work.
Over the years, not even just recently, but growing up too, Bellatrix has dealt with more than her share of difficult people. In fact she was raised by difficult people, and had she never left, would have become a difficult person herself. Some people might still say she is, though it could have been worse. She is just headstrong and knows what she wants. After years of putting up with and doing everything to please her parents, she’s not really open to listening to what other people tell her. It’s why she does well in this job, where she can tell people what to do and how to do it.
Even if it is a little hypocritical, it’s better than being someone who takes on other people’s grunt work. That is absolutely not something she is willing to do. She’s also not mean or difficult about it here like she would have been following in her parents’ footsteps. Either way she does feel bad for Dorcas for having to deal with him. Though maybe it isn’t his fault that he is the way he is. Not everyone is raised right, or raised well. He could even be like her, someone who finally can take a stand for themself and is going to do just that.
“Oh, here!” She pulls out a thick book. It’s bound though doesn’t seem to be the fully published version.
Taking it from her, she flips through, not really reading, just messing with it in her hands. Even with her own work picking up, she’ll have the time to read it. At least she wants to. It’s been ages since she was able to just sit and read uninterrupted. The summer should have been slower and given her that time, but with Narcissa coming back, she didn’t find as much free time. But her sister returning is better than reading, so it doesn't bother her much at all.
Out of the corner of her eye she can see that it’s now five, meaning she can leave with no one questioning her. “This is great. Assuming this is the first one? I’ll bug you once I get through this for the next one if that’s alright. Maybe I can get through them before the fifth one comes out. You said December right?”
“Yep, December. Day after Christmas actually, so you have more time. See you tomorrow!” Dorcas calls as she grabs her bag and heads for the stairs.
Something tugs at her heart at the mention of Boxing Day. She would rather it didn’t, she hasn’t celebrated Christmas in years and tries not to think about that whole week in general. Not that she’s been very religious at all since she left home. That’s when she stopped attending church. Though that isn’t the reason. There are four days that always hurt each year. This year there is one less to hurt her, she can instead celebrate it. Narcissa’s birthday that is.
Though her cousin’s will still hurt just as they always do. Including Boxing Day, her baby cousin’s birthday. She would rather not think about it. About everything she left behind. The mention of it just always gets her. It will be okay though, things are getting better. Her and Narcissa are healing. And who knows, maybe her cousins are together, just as they are. She hopes they have each other.
If she lets her thoughts linger for too long, it won’t end well. It never does. It should, when she thinks about it. Her and Narcissa are working through things, learning to not resent what they both did, healing. It doesn’t stop the fact that Bella was also hurt by their other sister leaving. That’s still unresolved, and maybe it never will feel better. That may remain a bruise that just is pressed on every once in a while for the rest of her life. But she can try to feel okay about it all. It’s worth trying.
Tonight she doesn't have any plans, which means it’s a good night. Time alone is always nice. Now with a new book in hand, she does actually have plans for the night. Curling up in her favourite corner of the couch with a glass of red wine and this book. Sometimes she can read very quickly, and based on what Dorcas has said, this might be one that she flies through. It’s not terribly long, but it will likely take a few days.
It’s still warm as she walks home, something she only opts to do in the summer. Mentally she goes through what food she has at home and realizes she should stop to pick something up. There are a few places on the way that she can get take away from. As well as a shop that she usually gets her wine from. It’s a step up from just a corner store, though she doesn’t have anything against the really cheap bottles of wine. She can just afford something better now, so she prefers that.
Walking into her flat twenty minutes later with food, wine, and a book, it’s the best night she’s had all to herself in weeks. That may be an exaggeration, but then again maybe it’s not. The lights are all off, and she chooses to just turn on the warm lamp by her favourite spot in the living room. It feels warm and soft.
It took a while for her to cultivate the right environment in this flat. She can be very particular, though an okay sofa is better than none at all and a plain rug is better than no rug. Now she has the best sofa she could both find and afford and never wants to have to pick out another one and a rug that tastefully brings color into the room without being distracting. The art on her walls has also taken a while to cultivate, and honestly that could still use some work. But that’s beside the point. This flat feels like a home and it may be the first home she has ever really had and enjoyed.
The pillows on the couch welcome her to the spot perfectly molded for her, and she pulls a blanket over her lap. As a child she wouldn’t dare go near the furniture with any food or even a glass of water. Now though, she will happily balance her take away in her lap while holding a glass of red wine in one hand, spooning food into her mouth with the other.
Her mother would crucify her for it, but she’s not here and she doesn’t have a say in her life anymore. That doesn’t stop Druella’s voice from popping into her mind every time she does something that would have been cause for punishment or a lecture. After all of these years Bellatrix still finds herself wondering what is waiting behind every corner. Whenever she does anything less than perfect, she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now with Cissa back, she watches her just as she did when they were kids. Looking out for her to try to protect her from their parents. Ready to shield her if she does anything they wouldn’t like.
She never seemed to be good at that. Or, she was never good enough . There were times that she could distract them from seeing a mess Narcissa made until it was cleaned, or would do her homework for her because she didn’t have the time and told them it was done. She did as much as she could. It’s the best she could do. And yet somehow she still couldn’t fully protect her.
That was where Andy usually stepped up. Or they both let their little sister down and she had to just get through it. They all did, their cousins included.
It’s not something she needs to worry about any more. Not really. It’s been a long time since she actually worried about what her mother or father would say or do. She was the last of her sisters to leave, they weren’t left behind. It took some time to get that fact through her head, but even then she would still find herself thinking of her cousins at times. And what was happening to them, both of them younger than all three sisters. She can only hope they took care of each other.
Narcissa was right though, someone should have looked out for them more than they did. They were too young to not have a lifeline outside of that house. It hurts to think about, to admit she was wrong for following her baby sister when they were still there. When they would still be hoping for someone to be there to help them. But Bella knows that Sirius was, is , strong and he could handle it. He would make sure they were both okay.
That’s what older siblings do. Even if she failed, that doesn’t mean he did too. He maybe even learned from her mistakes and was the best brother anyone could have. That would be the best case scenario. She doesn’t let herself linger and think about the worst case.
Whenever she finds herself thinking of the past she wants to call her sister. Now that she can, that is. They don’t have plans until the weekend, but she could just call her for no reason at all. Bellatrix reaches for her phone and opens up their texts. She almost sends one, but remembers that she had plans with her girlfriend tonight, so she doesn’t. Narcissa deserves to do things for herself too after all this time. They’ll still have each other tomorrow, there’s no rush.
Instead she pulls a blanket further onto her lap and eats her food. More accurately she inhales it, not realizing how hungry she was. With that out of her way, she can pour herself a glass of wine and start in on the book. It’s still pretty early in the night, giving her plenty of time before she’ll get tired.
She flips the cover open and settles in. The last book she read was for one of her clients, and in a way this isn’t that much different. It’s just not her own client, and it sounds like she would not want this author anyway. Either way she can already tell that she is going to like this. Dorcas does and somehow she has come to trust her judgment more than she expected to.
From working in publishing Bellatrix has become weirdly interested in dedications. There’s something so personal and so special about them. Even if they seem broad and vague, or so very direct with no frills, she loves them. They are a great play when promoting books and are a good talking point at launch events. A look into why the author started writing the book, or who helped them through it. This one is no exception. She can feel it in her chest.
To the first one who left, I hope you found what you were looking for.
Her mind instantly goes to Andromeda. Oh Andy, her little sister, the first person she loved. The girl who was her shadow until she was old enough and big enough to hold her own. All she wants is for her to be happy, she hopes she is. Slowly she closes her eyes to take a breath, then flips to the next page. Though, the first line doesn’t lift the weight off of her chest.
At first there were five, slowly that number dwindled.
This hits her even more. This is just like their family. She doesn’t know if it makes her feel better or worse about everything that happened knowing that other people have gone through it too. It’s not just her sisters and her cousins. Should that comfort her? Probably not, but it does in a way. They aren’t alone in this, but that also means so many other siblings have also suffered. When none of them ever should have.
She does her best to push that feeling aside. This is just a book, it’s fiction. It’s good when a book can make her feel. That she does generally enjoy. But she needs to be able to separate herself from it. The tightness in her chest doesn’t quite leave, but Bellatrix continues reading. There’s no point in not carrying on, these are her only plans for the night. And really, she is enjoying it.
Her glass of wine is drained by the time she finishes the first chapter. Normally she doesn’t drink that fast. More often she just sips through the night unless she’s with Rabastan, then she out drinks him just to show she can. Tonight is different, every sip she takes is more like a gulp and is swallowing down every time she feels the pang in her chest for her sister. She refills the glass higher than usual, but it will still be empty after only a few more pages.
By the end of chapter three Bella puts the book down. She has to. There are tears brimming in her eyes and her grip on the wine glass is a little too tight. It would fall over and spill if she lets go at all, she just hopes she doesn’t squeeze it so hard it breaks. The book lies face down, open to page fifty-two and she stares straight ahead. She wants to pick it up and continue, the writing is beautiful and she needs to keep going.
But she can barely breathe.
The main character, at least the one that she thinks this book is about, is the middle of three sisters. Freshly eighteen. Tired of being a disappointment to her family, yet still fiercely independent. She never seems to agree with what her parents want the way that the sisters do. It’s all too familiar. Bellatrix lived through this. In a way. Just this time, she’s seeing it from Andromeda’s perspective.
Is this what she was thinking that whole time? Did she really not know that it was just as bad for the rest of them? And yet, she still took care of them. She never needed to, she wasn’t the oldest, that wasn’t on her. Bella should have stepped up more. When things weren’t as bad for her, all of those years that she did exactly as her parents wanted, she could have been helping everyone else. She should have been there for Andy, shown her that she wasn’t alone in it, that she had people to lean on.
Thinking back it’s hard to know when that stopped. When a divide came about between them. When they started to think they couldn’t lean on and confide in each other. Bella was there, Andy just stopped coming. She stopped reaching out, she stopped showing up at her door in the middle of the night.
She lifts the book again to keep reading, she needs to keep reading. To know how everything played out with Andy. This isn’t Andromeda though, this is someone else entirely. After a few more pages she catches herself switching the name of the character for her sister’s and she has to stop again. This isn’t her sister. This isn’t what happened. Not really.
This isn’t even real. It’s a book, it’s fiction. This isn’t Andromeda. Even if this is someone’s story, it’s not hers. She has to stop thinking about it like that. It’s only going to hurt her more if she keeps thinking about it like her sister is telling this story.
Despite that, memories continue to play through her mind like a film. Every moment they had together where they were laughing and smiling. There weren’t many, but she cherishes the ones that they had. She doesn’t often let herself think of the past, or a lot of parts of the past. It’s gotten easier having Narcissa back, but it still isn’t the same.
She lost two sisters and only had the strength to look for one. Andromeda left and she was okay, she was old enough to make it through everything on her own. When they were younger she was always the self assured one, Bella never had to worry about her. Maybe she should have, maybe it was her job as the eldest to look out for her too. Not just Narcissa. She should have done more.
Even still, the good memories peek through now. The nights they laid on the floor of her bedroom braiding each others’ hair. The times that they all climbed out of her window and she helped them down the side of the house. How they would run to their cousins’ house and help them out of their windows just so they could all go stargaze in the park together.
That was all before. When they used to lean on each other. Before they started guarding themselves, even from each other. Looking back, Bellatrix doesn’t know who did it first. There was a clear shift, that much is true. But there wasn’t a good reason for it.
One family dinner, the tension was thicker than usual, everyone acting as they were expected to. Bellatrix was always good at that, so that’s what she did. And then so did the rest of them. They all followed her lead, including Andy. She was never one to follow, she was headstrong and fought with their parents on everything she didn’t agree with. That night it trickled down from her, and maybe that was when it all changed. Maybe it all started with her even if she wasn’t the first to leave.
Before then family dinners were a battle ground. Someone was always fighting. Especially if her cousins, aunt, and uncle were there. Then it became nuclear. Sirius was usually the one to cause a scene, sometimes for good reason and sometimes for no reason at all. His parents were never proud of him like Bella’s were of her. He never had anything to lose. When Bella would act out in the same protective way that he would, she worried what would happen. It was never good.
Once they all seemed to shut in on themselves, once they all had their guards up, that was it. She felt helpless. Somehow she felt blocked out by them just as much as their parents were. That wasn’t fair, and maybe that isn’t how it actually was. If she had tried they might have let her in, she could have helped. Isn’t that what Narcissa tried to say to her?
It only got worse when she put her own walls up. The night Andromeda left, she built her walls up brick by brick. Impenetrable. For fear that she would lose even more. She thought her own walls would keep her safe. In the end she knows that they pushed everyone away even more.
That night is the most vivid of all of the memories. Going to bed like normal, nothing out of the ordinary. Waking up in the middle of the night with a pit in her stomach. How she got out of bed instead of just rolling over and hoping to drift off again. She opened her door and looked down the hall to see another door open. When she quietly walked over, only to find it empty. Andromeda gone.
She went straight to Narcissa’s room, just one more door down. It was safely shut, but she stormed in just to make sure her little sister wasn’t also gone. They both called Andy, with no luck. Despite it being the middle of the night, she called Sirius too. Maybe he would be able to get through to her, maybe he knew where she was going. None of them had any luck. She was gone.
The tears sting her eyes as she blinks. The words on the page, the last page, come back into focus. Frazzled, she flips through wondering how she got here. She has no recollection of reading this entire book, it’s fairly long and she hasn’t been here for that long. Except when she checks her phone, it’s well past midnight. She had just been lost in thought about her family, how did she get here?
The words on the pages all feel familiar, so she must have read it. She skims the last few pages and it hits her. The memories weren’t in her head, they are written on these pages. Laced through the prose, clear as day.
She grabs her phone and frantically dials, no longer thinking about how late it is. “Pick up, pick up. Come on Cissy… Pick up please…” She chants as it rings.
“Bella? It’s nearly one in the morning. Is something wrong?” She doesn’t sound too tired, so hopefully she hasn’t woken her up.
Her breathing is rough, more than it should be, but she manages to get the words out. “I- There’s a book and I think it’s about Andy.”
“Hang on.” Narcissa says quietly and then a notification to switch to a video call comes up. “What do you mean?”
It’s easier being able to see her. The weight that’s been on her chest for hours now seems to lessen. Even if only slightly. As much as she failed her sisters in the past, she still has Narcissa and that makes her feel more okay. Not everything is lost. Whatever this is, they are in it together now.
So she explains how she spent her night. Recounting the similarities, the exact stories that they both remember vividly. Bellatrix even reads a few paragraphs from the book to really spell it out. It doesn’t take much for the emotion on her sister’s face to change. She can see it too, confirming that Bella isn’t losing it.
“Andy…” She says without realizing.
“Yeah, it’s her. Right, like it has to be.” Bella confirms.
“Who is the author?”
When she got the book only earlier this evening, she hadn’t even thought about that. Not when she started reading or even when she finished. All she could think about is Andy, her Andy. She flips to the cover and the only name present below the title is Leo . Which tells her absolutely nothing. Though there is one person who can tell her.
“No idea, but Dorcas would know. I can ask her. Do you- do you think that-” The words don’t form, she isn’t even sure what she wants to ask.
Naricssa’s eyes shine and her face is soft on the screen of her phone. “I don’t know. I really don’t, but it could be one of them. Right? Is that what you’re thinking?”
Truthfully, she doesn’t know what she is thinking. It could be, but that’s far fetched. Then again, so is the fact that this book is most definitely about Andromeda. But did she write it? Probably not. Given the dedication, it doesn’t seem like it would be her. There’s a sinking feeling in her again, but right next to it is hope. The two exist within her side by side. Her sister is out there and might be more within her reach than she thought, but why hasn’t she reached out?
They talk on the phone for a while longer. Reminiscing on the good things of the past, however scarce those are. Bellatrix promises to give her the book so that she can read it too, though she warns that it’s not a very fun read. Especially when knowing exactly what she was feeling when she lived through it all.
“I’ll see you Saturday, yeah?”
Narcissa nods. “Yeah. Can you bring the book? I- I think I want to read it myself.”
“Of course. I’m gonna talk to Dorcas and try to get the second one too.” She confirms. “I love you.”
“Love you too Bel.” The call ends there and the flat is quiet again.
Bellatrix leaves behind the mess of a couch, something she never would have done before, and heads to her bedroom. She brings her phone and the book with her. This was not the way she expected the night to go at all. The book stays in her grasp as she climbs into bed. She won’t let it go. As if letting go would be losing a grasp on her sister again.
Before drifting off she sends off a quick text to Dorcas, Who wrote this book? I need to know, it’s really important.