icarus
Spring slowly begins fading into summer, which means the very final version of his book is due in… well it’s due far too soon. There have been countless rounds of edits and re-edits and even one nearly full rewrite of the whole thing. Well, almost. James stopped him before he started doing that. It would have been miserable for everyone involved if he went through with it. Not to mention that the book would then have to likely wait until next year to come out. Not just a few months later, it would end up delayed an entire year.
It comes out on his birthday. Just about six months from now. The release date was decided long ago. Back when he was writing the first book, Regulus chose to have it come out on Andromeda’s birthday. As a little tribute, a way to feel more connected. So then he had each book come out on each of their birthdays. That’s just how it felt the most right. Except it’s backed him into a corner with the fifth book having to be released on his birthday.
The one saving grace is that he doesn’t appear at the release party as the author. Yes, he’s gone to all of them and will be at this one too. But no one aside from his friends knows who he is. To all of the guests, he’s just one of them. He’s Regulus; that he does introduce himself as. The catch is that no one knows that Regulus and the author are one in the same. And they don’t know that Regulus and his character are the same either. The parties aren’t actually all that bad. He can fade into the back and just spend time with his friends. Dorcas has to run the whole thing and does a great job at it, and an even better job making sure no one catches onto him.
It’s been a few hours since he shut himself in his office, time passing by faster than should be possible. He has made progress, but he also is just staring at the document unsure how to make it better. There has to be a way for it to be better, simply because it’s not good as is. It needs to be edited more but he has read it over and over and over again, and he still can’t figure out what needs to be edited. Not to mention that he literally lived this book. Even more so than the rest.
The one thing about this book that stands out is that there isn’t a single part of it that was left up to his interpretation. There was no guesswork. Not for the readers, they’re free to interpret however they please. But in the sense that while writing it, everything was laid out for him. Everything about Regulus’ story was certain, it was concrete. All of the other books ended a little bit open ended, and so Regulus took a bit of creative liberty. He was just a kid when everyone else left, it’s not like he knew what they all did once they got out. He had to make up some of it for the books, just to make them better.
Doing that also made them all seem… better? No, that's not the right word. None of them are bad people for leaving. As upset as he is with them, as abandoned as he felt when he was younger, that’s not what stuck with him. Maybe it did in a way, but that has never been the story he wants to tell in these books. Regulus wanted to tell each of the five of their stories. All different, all just as important. Andy who left first, Regulus who was left alone, and the others in between. It was everyone’s fault and it was no one’s fault. When people read his books, he doesn’t want them assigning blame to any of them. He just wants people to feel and maybe just understand a bit about each of them.
Through writing each of the books, Regulus has understood all of them better and that’s really all that matters in the end.
“Still working?” James pops his head in the door.
“You know I am, baby. I have to finish it soon.”
“Have you considered that it might already be done? You’ve gone through all of Alice’s edits. At this point you’re just being hard on yourself and finding more things to change.”
He pushes through and makes his way over to the desk chair Regulus has been sitting in for too many hours now. James grabs his hand and pulls him away from the computer, though he is trying his best to not go. If he leaves now, then he’s not going to come back to this until at least the morning, if he even gets back to it tomorrow. Except James is so tempting and he would much rather be in his boyfriend’s arms than resting on the arms of the desk chair that stopped being comfortable two books ago.
Eventually he gives in. See, this is the problem with always having James around these days. He used to be at Regulus’ often, all of their friends are, but that would be more of an incentive for him to work. A way to avoid the annoyance that used to be James Potter. He curses the day he turned from aggravating to appealing. Now he’s here more often than not. Read: always. His constant presence soothes Regulus most of the time.
Soon he might even bring up moving in together. Is that too fast? It’s only been a few months. That might be too fast. Maybe they can just keep going like they have been. James practically lives here anyway, they don’t need to do anything that official or drastic yet. He would quite literally never live it down.
“What are you thinking about?” James interrupts his, quite frankly embarrassing, stream of consciousness.
He smirks. “Oh wouldn’t you like to know.”
“I would, yes.” He pulls him in for a quick kiss. “I have a feeling you aren’t going to tell me. Fine then, I can keep secrets too.”
“Well now you have to tell me what this secret is. You know I hate secrets.”
Regulus knows exactly how to get his way, especially when it comes to James. He’s really quite easy. All he has to do is pull away and exaggerate the pout on his mouth. His eyes naturally have a glint to them that when he lets his eyes widen, sparkles in just the right way that makes James melt. He’s putty in his hands in under a minute. Every. Single. Time. He pulls Regulus back to him and runs his fingers through his hair, not letting go of him again.
“Fine! In celebration of your book being finished-”
“It’s not finished.” He corrects.
“It basically is. Okay, in honor of it almost being done, even though it’s done and you’re just staring at a blinking cursor every day, I wanted to get you something.” James continues, still persistent about the book being done.
It’s not done. Well maybe it is. Regulus doesn’t know. He’s never going to be fully satisfied with it. Not when there isn’t closure in the book. The ending is barely an ending. It just stops. There’s a stopping point in the book, there’s a page that says the end, but there’s no ending. The reason for that is simple. He never got the closure himself, so there wasn’t a way for him to write it.
Regulus could have wrapped it up with a bow and tied it off clean and perfect, but that wasn’t what he wanted for his story. Even if he had gotten closure, it would have never been neat or easy. It would be just as messy as not getting closure at all. So that’s how the book has to end, and maybe some people won’t like that, but it’s not their story. It’s his.
The readers would probably want the series to end with all of the characters finding each other again. Healing. Seeing that they all made it out okay, that they are all happier for having left. No bad blood remaining between the five of them. They would like to see them all back together and happy. That’s not going to happen, but they wouldn’t understand.
He isn’t sure that there would be a way all of them could find each other again and live happily ever after. Regulus can admit that it would be nice to have them back, he would love to see them each just one more time. That would be enough for him. Any reunion they could have wouldn’t last, that’s just not how they were made to exist. So he tries to not think about it to keep from hurting himself more.
He relents. “Alright, fine. Where are we going? What did you get me?”
“I haven’t gotten it yet.” He smiles that very specific James smile. The one that means he’s up to something. It feels so familiar, like he’s known it all his life, even if he just started seeing it over the last few years, more so the last few months. “You have to help pick it out.”
Of course James has another surprise. He is apparently just going to have to get used to this. It’s a habit that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. No matter how clear Regulus makes it that he doesn’t like surprises. Or secrets. There have been far too many of those throughout his life, though maybe that should have made him more comfortable with them. It didn’t, and he still hates them.
“Fine. If that’s how it’s going to be. I’ll just start keeping secrets from you too.”
“Don’t be like that, love. I only keep fun secrets. You know almost everything else about me.” James says as he drags him out to the car.
“Just the way I like it.” Regulus smirks, though he doesn’t actually know everything about him.
That’s okay though. He wants to eventually know everything there is to know about James. That feeling has been slowly growing in his mind over the last few weeks. Regulus never thought he would be the type to fall for someone so quickly or so hard, but apparently he is. Or James is just that special. He can’t help but be infatuated with him. It’s still infuriating, James that is, but not in the same way he used to be. He’s so incredible and Regulus doesn’t know how he got so lucky with him, or why James feels the same about him.
One day. One day he will know every single thing about James Potter. What makes him smile, what makes him tick, the best and the worst of everything that makes him who he is. Regulus wants that, oh he wants that more than he is willing to admit. The one thing standing in the way is that he isn’t sure he will ever be ready for James to know everything about him.
Sure, he already knows so much. He knows the majority of Regulus’ past from what’s told in the books and quite a bit more. But he doesn’t know everything. There are pieces of himself that he keeps hidden from everyone, oftentimes also from himself. Regulus can’t help it, repressing things was just the easiest way when he didn’t have a support system. And now that he does, and has for a few years now, undoing all of that is just hard.
“You can know everything about me, you know. I keep plans and surprises a secret from you, but anything you want to know you can. I’m yours.”
Butterflies come to his stomach. James saying things like that just does things to him. It’s not fair.
“You’re mine.” He repeats breathlessly.
“Are you mine?” Oh, this man is going to be the death of him.
“Of course, baby.”
Regulus wants to be his.
It’s never going to be easy to give himself over to anyone else. Even sharing parts of him that he is confident in is still hard. He’s come out to so many people in such casual ways, but it never stops making him anxious. Not after how the first time went.
To be fair, Regulus would probably tell James anything he asked at this point. He doesn’t ask about the things he knows are hard and he appreciates that more than he could know. But even if he did, he would respect anything Regulus said he didn’t want to talk about. He is just that fucking perfect.
There’s only a few unknown and painfully tough topics. The biggest thing being his brother. He’s mentioned him before, James has comforted him on hard days before, he knows most of the story with him. But talking about Sirius is still and may always be the hardest thing for him to do. Hell Regulus hasn’t even said his name out loud in years. James doesn’t even know what his name is for fuck’s sake. Maybe he has some things to work through on this, a name shouldn’t cause him as much pain as it does.
He must have zoned out for the entire ride, or it was a very short one. Perhaps both. But now they’re parked in front of a strip of stores, though he has no idea why. James gets out and opens the door for Regulus like a gentleman. He follows James toward whichever door they are about to enter, because he still is in the dark about what today’s surprise is. When he looks up at the sign above the door, he sees what never even crossed his mind as a possibility. The animal shelter.
“James? Why are we at the animal shelter?”
Looking very proud, James turns back to look at him, grabbing his hand to link them together again. “Because… you’re getting a cat!”
He genuinely doesn’t know what to say, so he just stares back. Listen, Regulus does like cats. He never got to have one, or any pets for that matter, growing up and he did always want one. There’s not really a reason that he never got one since living on his own, it just never happened. Regulus does like the quiet and solitude of living alone. Though he hasn’t known much of that since he and James started dating because he is practically always over. A cat wouldn’t really change much about him living alone, they would each have their own space, but he could enjoy its presence. Okay fine, he’ll get a cat. If James insists.
“Reg, love? Did you hear them? They asked if we wanted to go to the cat room and see a few.” James nudges him.
“Oh, yes. Sure.” He turns to the worker-volunteer-person who then leads them down a short hallway.
“Alright, so we have quite a few cats here currently, take your time getting to know them.” They offer a smile and hold the door open while making sure none of the cats can slip out.
This particular shelter has around ten or so cats, at least he thinks he counted them all. They are all in a room together without cages. Essentially it’s just a room full of cat toys, scratching posts, and various platforms for the cats to hang out on. Regulus hasn’t been to any other shelters, but from what he has seen, most keep all of the cats separate and let people come see them one at a time when looking to adopt. Okay maybe he does know quite a bit about cats and animal shelters. He gets a lot of videos of them on his phone and Pandora sends him plenty as if he isn’t seeing enough on his own. It’s really quite shocking that he hasn’t gotten a cat on his own yet.
There’s a few cats that all come straight to them, though two veer off towards James. The one that doesn’t though, almost instantly clings to Regulus. It’s a mostly black cat with a white belly, though that’s not the best part. Its face is all black except for a large spot covering one eye and most of that side of its face that is orange. He bends down to get a better look and ends up fully sitting. Less than five seconds later, the cat is climbing onto his lap and purring softly.
“This one.” He blurts out.
“You haven’t even looked at any of the others? This one here is precious.” James argues back while petting an orange cat that seems to love him.
He wants to be clear - he is not jealous of this cat that is giving so much attention to James. However, Regulus will definitely not be picking out a cat that already likes his boyfriend better than him.
“Uh-uh. This one.” Before James can answer again, the cat purrs loudly as if sharing his opinion on the topic.
He, the cat, has also decided that he will be going home with Regulus. It’s a unanimous decision. Well, for people that currently do and soon will live at Regulus’ house. Maybe James doesn’t agree, but he doesn’t get a say in this.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, baby. I want the cat that loves me the most, obviously. You just have to learn to share.” He says smugly.
James laughs. “I’ve never been that good at sharing, but if I must.”
And that’s that. This cat is now his, and it seems that Regulus belongs to him just as much.
By the time they arrive back at Regulus’ the cat is fast asleep in his lap. It’s the most adorable thing he has ever seen, except for maybe his boyfriend. Though James is looking at him with such adoration right now while he coos at his new family member that there’s an honest and fair fight between them in terms of adorableness. In front of anyone else, he might be embarrassed by how he’s talking to the cat or how he pretends to answer himself for the cat. It’s not his fault, he literally can’t help it. He just so happens to already know everything this little creature is thinking, so he wants to keep James in the loop.
He carries him inside, while James gathers the other bags of necessary cat items to follow him in with. There’s food and toys and a litter box and probably some other things that James made sure to get. He did all of the talking with the worker-volunteer-person at the shelter while Regulus sat with his new cat in his lap. The little guy tried to climb up his chest but got distracted by his curls and started pawing at the ones that fell in front of his face. It has no business making him as happy as it does.
“You two seem to be having a riveting conversation.” James mocks when he enters the bedroom after setting everything up in the room over.
“We are.” He insists. “Jealous?”
He pouts. “Of course I am. Anyone who gets your attention more than I do makes me jealous. Isn’t it obvious?”
He looks back up at him to see his arms crossed over his chest and the child-like frown ever present on his face. Regulus can tell it’s just for show. He has yet to see James good and properly jealous, but this is bordering on it. It's a bit embarrassing for him to be this jealous of a cat that was entirely his idea, but somehow it makes Regulus love him even more.
Right, that. Love. Yeah somehow Regulus has come to the conclusion that he does love James. It’s been building, probably for longer than he’s realized. Maybe even back when he claimed he didn’t even like him or really care to be friends with him. There’s always been something there. Even if it was masked with something else.
So yes, Regulus loves James, but it’s far too soon to tell him that. Especially not when there’s even the slightest possibility that he won’t say it back. He has to be absolutely certain about this before he says it and can’t take it back.
“I need to give him a name.” He says absently.
“What about Whiskers?”
Regulus glares at him. “That is the most basic name you could have said. Come on, he deserves better than that.”
“Remington, and you can call him Remi.”
“I’m not giving him a name that has a nickname, it entirely defeats the purpose of the name.” He rolls his eyes.
“Reg, I call you a nickname all the time.” James points out.
“Shh. Doesn’t matter. I think… His name should be Icarus.” Yeah, that sounds right.
He’s always loved mythology and even though Icarus meets a tragic end, it feels perfect. This Icarus won’t have the same fate. His cat isn’t about to try to fly too close to the sun and burn up. He’ll stay right by Regulus’ side pretty much always. If he does happen to get too close to danger, well then Regulus will be the ocean greeting him with open arms, catching him and bringing him back to safety rather than to his doom. Names don’t mean all that much anyway, he just happens to think this cat looks like an Icarus, that’s all.
“Don’t you think that might be a bad omen?”
“I didn’t think you knew much mythology…” Regulus eyes his boyfriend, both surprised and proud.
“I don’t, not really. But I know this one. Are you sure that’s what you want to name him? I still think Remi is good.” James argues, though his mind is already made up.
“It’s Icarus. I think it suits him perfectly.” With that, Icarus purrs in agreement.
They carry on the rest of the evening as they typically would. Regulus puts on some music in the background while they make dinner. It’s as if they both live here, though James simply does not. At least not yet. Maybe one day. The way they currently do things is perfectly fine for now. They sometimes cook together, but tonight Regulus was in the mood to cook. So that leaves James to just stand around and enjoy the music.
He just so happens to decide that the best place for him to be is sitting on the counter in the center of the kitchen. James sits there with his feet dangling above the floor. Despite telling him that counters aren’t meant for sitting on, he stays there anyway. It should bother Regulus. It does, but only a little bit.
Though it definitely doesn’t bother him when he’s in between steps of cooking and James pulls him backward. Regulus slots right in between his legs and the soft press of his lips on the top of his head makes him forget all the annoyance he had before. So maybe it’s fine for him to sit on the counter, as long as he does this.
“Is dinner almost ready?” James whispers into his ear.
“You can see exactly what’s going on, baby. No, it’s not ready.” He doesn’t want to, but he pulls away to return to the food.
It doesn’t take much longer for dinner to be ready and James is beyond excited. As if he wasn’t snacking half of the time that Regulus was cooking. He acts like he hasn’t eaten in days, when in reality it’s been literal minutes. Either way, they sit on the sofa in front of the television and finish their plates before they even manage to decide on something to watch. Either they really were starving, or Regulus’ cooking is just that good. He chooses to believe the latter, and James doesn’t even correct him. Not that he would tell Regulus he is bad at anything. Those words probably could never manage to make their way past his lips if he tried.
To make things fair, James cleans up the minimal mess that Regulus left behind while cooking. He prides himself on keeping things tidy, mainly because cleaning after eating is just a hassle he doesn’t want to deal with. For that reason, it only takes a few minutes and then they can go and get cozy for the rest of the night.
James is supposed to have some things going on tomorrow, work or errands or seeing one of his friends, Regulus isn’t sure. Not that he didn’t pay attention, he just wasn’t told. Despite having plans in the morning, James makes no attempt to leave for the night and places a second mug next to the one Regulus is filling with hot water from the kettle. He places a tea bag in each, and they carry them upstairs. Icarus trails after them, reappearing after he was nowhere to be found while they ate.
He sets his mug down on the bedside table before climbing in. “Come on into bed, baby.”
James smiles at him. He was already on his way over to what has now been deemed his side of the bed.
“I wasn’t talking to you.” Regulus shoots a glare his way.
Icarus jumps up onto the bed and snuggles right up against the side of his leg. Regulus smiles up at his boyfriend, who now looks totally and completely offended. He sits on the edge of the bed and begrudgingly pets the little cat down his back. It’s one of the cutest things he’s ever seen. James, eyes like daggers and frowning, petting Icarus who is smiling as much as a cat can, perfectly content with the situation.
“He’s not staying here right now.” James says, picking up Icarus. “He can come back later.”
“James, you are literally the one who got me a cat. You can’t just kick him out, this is more his room than it is yours, you know.” Maybe he is just trying to rile him up. It’s working.
He doesn’t stop ushering Icarus out of the room. “Are you gonna choose snuggling with your new cat over getting fucked by me?”
Regulus opens his mouth to respond, and promptly shuts it. Because no, he’s not going to choose that. Icarus can wait.
It unfortunately does not go as planned or as desired. Mostly because the entire time they are kissing, not even five minutes after closing the door, Icarus can be heard obsessively scratching at the door. They really try to ignore it. They do. James does a better job, though he is keeping himself busy placing kisses up and down Regulus’ neck. He even hits all of the most tender spots that drive him wild. Except that doesn’t stop him from being able to hear the scratching.
Nothing can usually distract him from James, not like this, but he feels bad. Even with his knees spreading his legs for him. Or while James’ knee comes to press against his center. He can feel himself getting wet and groans knowing they aren’t going to continue. That both of them are going to end up unsatisfied, at least in this way.
It’s his cat and he does love him already even after only a few hours. So he can’t even enjoy the night with his boyfriend, who looks so fucking hot by the way. His toned arms hold him up, hovering above Regulus, leaning down to continue kissing him. Okay, how is he not entirely distracted by the noise? As James bites at the sensitive spot on his neck below his ear, Icarus meows and it sounds like he threw his body weight at the door.
Regulus whimpers at the bite, and it turns to a whine of annoyance. “Do you really not hear him?”
“I’m a bit more focused on you, love.”
WIth a huff, he crawls from under James and rolls off the bed. The second he opens the door, Icarus is running in and curling up on the end of the bed. So much for their entertainment for the night. They’ll have to settle for just watching TV or a movie, though they’ll talk the whole time instead regardless of what they choose. Regulus curls up against James, who keeps him warm just from the heat his body seems to radiate. He leans over to grab his mug of tea when he sees it and remembers he brought it up.
“Fuck. It’s cold. Can you go put the kettle back on?” He cranes his neck to look back at James who is already rolling his eyes.
“The things I do for you…” He laughs to himself. “Yes, fine! I’ll go. Just don’t let Icarus take my spot while I’m gone.”
He would claim that he tries to stop him, though he doesn’t. Regulus is secretly just happy that his cat is taking a liking to him already. And he knows it will annoy James at least a little bit. Call it pay back for those years that Regulus found everything he did annoying. He knows that James loves Icarus, and he hopes that he loves him too.
Even if he hasn’t said it yet. He will choose to believe it’s true because he can’t imagine it any other way.