night sky
Originally, Sirius wasn’t supposed to work today. He had planned to take the day off and lay around all day annoying Remus until he stopped working and paid attention to him. That is until Marlene decided she wanted a new tattoo and begged him to make today work, which then meant he could, and probably should, take other appointments. Which he did, and ended up with three appointments before Marlene planned to come in.
They were all relatively simple tattoos. He doesn’t mind those, but he honestly prefers the more complex ones because then he gets to spend more time drawing and creating the actual designs. That’s his favourite part and also the reason he found this job all those years ago. Art has always been an escape for him, so why not make a job of it. The shop is pretty quiet by the time she arrives. Only one other artist is sitting at their station working, or cleaning, or just hanging around. Sirius isn’t sure.
Marlene blows into the studio like the force that she is. Loud and full of energy. “Black! Let’s get me a new tattoo.” Her smile is bright and well, if Sirius wasn’t having a good day before, now he is.
“What do you want this time? You didn’t tell me.”
“Okay so, first off. No judging. I know you’re going to have something to say, but just don’t. Deal?”
This makes all too much sense. Sirius has long since lost track of the times that Marlene has come to him with a spontaneous tattoo idea. He doesn’t question it anymore. Mostly because he loves to do work on his friends and he gets to have quite a bit of creative freedom. Even if he is going to judge what she says next, he nods in agreement. He can give her shit for it later if he so pleases.
After a deep breath, she starts talking faster than anyone ever needs to. “Right. So you know that girl I went on a date with a few weeks ago? We’ve been seeing each other more and more and- I mean oh my god, I seriously don’t know how I found her. You know me, I can hold my own with anyone, but she- she makes me forget how to fucking speak, let alone breathe. Wait, not the point. But, I’ll tell you more about her later. I could literally talk about her forever. Anyway, the other day, she was complimenting some of my tattoos and-”
“Tell her thanks next time you see her, will you? If she likes your tattoos that is way more a compliment to me than you.” He smirks.
“Keep it in your pants.”
“Oh please, you know I won’t dare look at anyone other than Remus. Carry on.”
“So, she was looking at them and she really likes them. We were kissing,” To this, Sirius practically giggles and starts to make kissy faces at her. Marlene rolls her eyes. “We were kissing, and she- I can’t believe she’s real. She told me that kissing me made her feel like she was on fire. That if I was a fire she would let herself burn. Can you- Sirius can you believe she said that to me? Who says that kind of thing? I’m actually asking, because no one real says that.”
To be fair, no one has told Sirius that he is like fire or that they would go into a fire and burn just to be with him, or anything like that for that matter. However, Remus has told him some things that could come close. Either way, he can’t lie. He would melt if that was said to him. Sirius really can’t blame Marlene for the way she seems to be malfunctioning over this.
“Marls, that’s so-” It’s indescribable. “Right, so what’s the tattoo?”
“Fire.” Her eyes light up and Sirius returns the smile, delighted by the idea and all of the possibilities for a tattoo.
Sirius gets to work sketching out some ideas for her to choose from before creating the final stencil. The two of them have done this many, many times. Marlene will come to him with some insane, or stupid, or cute, or sentimental idea, and ask for a new tattoo. He can’t say no, he just wouldn’t say no to her. And then they sit here while he comes up with options. All the while Marlene pesters him, overall making the process take longer, but he doesn’t care. He loves to spend time with her. It’s also so fun to be able to see her walking around with his art displayed across her body.
Most of them are patchwork on her arms and chest. She has a few on her back and a few on her legs too. They’re all so very Marlene even if little to no thought was put into them. Little designs and symbols, or bigger intricate drawings. None of it seems to go together, yet it all comes together on her body to somehow work perfectly. They’re just her and Sirius loves it.
He has quite a few of his own, though most have some meaning behind them, aside from a few that he just enjoys the design of. There’s small scribbles of dates, constellations, flowers, and more. All little reminders to him, all with meaning. Even if they don’t look that way to others. That doesn’t matter to him, as long as he knows.
“Okay, which of these do you like the best?”
One option is a simple line work flame, another is a match that has been lit, another is a more intricate flame, and the last is a hand holding up a flame. “The hand. Definitely the hand.”
It doesn’t take long for him to finalize the stencil and get it to be exactly how Marlene wants it. They have done this routine before, so it’s no surprise. In the end the stencil is a simple linework hand without too much detail and a flame hovering over the palm. Once everything is prepped, Marlene hops onto the table and rolls onto one side. She lifts part of her shirt and gestures to the revealed spot on her ribs. She normally opts for more visible placements, but he doesn’t question it. Maybe she just wants to keep this one for her and her… actually Sirius has no idea who this person is and what they are to Marlene. He’ll find out later, but for now he’ll tattoo this for them.
Once they’re done and Sirius cleans up the shop, they make their way out. Tonight, Marlene decided they were going to an ‘art class’. To which, Sirius stared at her dumbfounded. They both most definitely already know how to draw, paint, you name it. She then clarified it was not a plain art class and that they would be getting absolutely pissed, while trying to follow along with painting what the instructor tells them. He immediately said yes.
The art studio isn’t too far from the tattoo shop so they are both content walking. Marlene spends most of the walk absolutely rambling about her not-yet-but-hopefully-soon-to-be girlfriend, who is basically already her girlfriend, just without the label. Not that he wants her to stop, because he really is happy to listen, he simply wouldn’t even have the grounds to if he even wanted.
All of his friends, but Marlene possibly more than anyone, has had to listen to him gush about Remus far too many times. He has no right to cut anyone off, especially not about relationships. So he listens and lets her talk until she runs out of things to say, which doesn’t seem to be coming anytime soon.
“Marls, I really do, very much so, want to hear more about her, but can you give me a name at least? In my head I just keep referring to her as ‘Marlene’s almost but not quite girlfriend’ and it’s making my brain move slower. I’m just trying to keep up with everything you’re saying.” Sirius finally finds a moment of silence to interject in.
“Dorcas!” Her smile only gets wider when she says her name.
“And when will any of us get to meet the elusive and - how did you put it…? Magical? - Dorcas?”
“Soon, maybe. I don’t know.” The entire time Marlene has been flustered. She really is entirely gone on Dorcas, it’s utterly adorable. “I don’t want you lot to scare her away.”
“If anyone were to scare someone else off, it would be you, honey. I think Dorcas would be safe with us. Not to mention, she doesn’t sound like the type to scare easy.” He teases, but does understand. Their group, especially when all together, can be overwhelming to some.
After that, he doesn’t mean to tune her out, but he does anyway. Walking through the city, he often just gets lost in his own head. Sirius will adamantly say that is just what has always happened, but he knows it isn’t. He knows that it’s because every street, every corner, every store, in some parts of the city more than others, he is reminded of the past. Memories haunt the entire city. It’s strange.
Most memories don’t hurt, they just… are there. Others make him shut down to shield him from the pain; those few that feel like it’s happening in real time more than in a memory. There’s others though, that hurt, but the agony of them is almost welcome. Memories that used to be favourite moments, turned sour only by how things ended. Those are the ones he hopes to think of, and the reason he never left the city, even when he had the chance to.
Those are the ones that Sirius wants to savour. He wants to linger in anything that reminds him of them.
Today’s route through the city doesn’t spark anything in particular. He wishes it did. In truth, all Sirius would have to do is think about these memories on his own. For some reason he would rather search for them in places, sounds, and smells. It’s easier that way if they drift into his brain naturally. A part of him is always hoping for more. A bigger reminder of the past, or perhaps something to unsour those once good memories.
He isn’t really watching where he’s walking. Past knowing that Marlene is right next to him and she is probably walking in the right direction, he is mostly zoned out. Upon realizing this, Sirius looks up and makes sure that he isn’t about to walk into anything or anyone. He immediately locks eyes with a woman that he has to step to the side to not walk into, so his timing for deciding to become aware of his surroundings is perfect. That would have been embarrassing to walk into the woman who is just minding her own business.
Wait. That woman. He knows her. He knows her face. He’s sure he’s seen her before. A friend of one of his friends? Someone he tattooed? No, that’s not it. Definitely not it. But he does know her. He’s certain of it.
A memory flickers across his mind. Not just one, but hundreds. The woman’s grey eyes are ones he has seen too many times to count. Right? He couldn’t make that up. It’s been years, but he would know those eyes. The eyes that all of them have.
Except, she would have said something. That can’t be her, because she wouldn’t ignore him. Right? If that was Narcissa, she would have stopped. So it can’t be. Anyway she’s gone, disappeared from the city like a ghost.
Oh, but it’s just the eyes he’s stuck on. He can’t get past that. Did the rest of her even match the image of her in his brain? Does it matter since her eyes did? It’s been seven years, but surely he could still recognize her.
He’s torn. Sirius falters and falls out of step with Marlene. His head is telling him to just keep walking. That wasn’t his cousin, it couldn’t be. She left, she wouldn’t come back. When she disappeared, she left no trace. She didn’t want to be found, and couldn’t be, no matter how hard her sister searched. She doesn’t even look the same. Her hair is dark, it shouldn’t be. She had blonde hair that no one else had. It made her special.
So no, just her eyes stand out to him. That’s the thing though. No one else ever had eyes like the five of them. So, it has to have been her, right? Something from the depths of his soul wants to turn back and run after her. He has to at least know if he was right. Even if she doesn’t want to talk to him.
When he turns, she’s gone. Out of sight. He can’t go after her even if he wanted to. Maybe he even made it up. In the other direction, Marlene has continued walking, seeming to still be talking, not even noticing that Sirius is far behind. Stuck. Stuck stuck stuck.
If it is her, he hopes she’s okay. Even if it isn’t, wherever she is, he hopes that she’s happy. Sirius hopes that she has a good life. It’s what he wants for all of them, even if they aren’t together.
He understands that they may never be together again, there’s too much weight between them all.
Marlene isn’t slowing, probably because she’s only steps from the door to the art studio. So Sirius metaphorically picks himself up, dusts himself off and continues on. That woman was just a hint at a memory, that’s all it can be now. If it were any more, it would consume Sirius until he figured it all out. For now, all he will let himself have, is the thought that he got to see those familiar eyes again and not just in the mirror this time. Even if they weren’t real. Even if they were a figment of his imagination.
He half jogs to catch up to Marlene who is now waiting just outside the studio. “You alright?”
“Uh- yeah. I’m fine, Marls. Let’s get drunk.”
“My painting is going to beat yours, just so you know.” She smirks.
“Oh, it’s a contest now? You’re on.”
They head inside and find a table for two and claim it. There’s basic art supplies out in front of them; a few paint brushes of different sizes, a palette with the basic colours on it, and a cup of water. He’s sure at least half of the people in here have no idea what they are doing. It will be just as fun for them, maybe even provide some entertainment to watch others struggle.
They’re strangers so they won’t feel bad about it. They are never going to see these people again. However, it would be even better if some of their friends, specifically the less artistically inclined ones, were here. Now that would be pure entertainment and endless future jokes.
“Are you sure you don’t need me to stay?” One woman shouts to the man coming over to their table.
“No, Em! Go home. You’ve been helping out all day. If you’re going to stay, it’s to sit and drink, not help the class.” He then turns back to them and smiles. “Alright, what would you two like to drink?”
“I was thinking of just some wine. Sirius, are you good with that?”
“Perfect. You wouldn’t happen to be able to just leave a bottle with us, would you?” He purposefully smiles up at the man, hoping his charm will work.
It does. “Of course.”
By the time the class starts, half of their bottle is gone. Sirius is already feeling warmer and is sufficiently in a good mood and no longer thinking about the woman he saw earlier. It will remain in the back of his mind, wondering whether it was her or not, but he can ruminate about that later tonight when he has nothing else to occupy his thoughts. He can’t be distracted now, because right now he needs to destroy Marlene. Their friends would almost definitely make fun of them for how competitive they are being about a painting class. Neither of them care about that.
The instructor stands at the front of the room, which Sirius has to turn around to face. He holds up a finished painting of a winding road that goes through a forest. The sky resembles that time in between dusk and complete darkness; it is lovely shades of deep purple fading into dark blues and totally black at the edges. There’s a lone car on the road. This shouldn’t be too difficult at all to draw. Night scenes are some of Sirius’ favourite to paint. It’s his favourite time of day, after all. It’s when the stars are out, so of course he loves it.
“Why are you starting already?” Marlene lightly whacks his arm causing him to drop the brush.
“He showed us the painting, duh.”
“Oh? So we’re just going for it? Not following the steps, I guess. Fine. You’re on.”
Everyone around them has seemed to tune into their competition and everyone seems sufficiently confused. The instructor decides to ignore them, for the most part, and starts explaining where they should all start the painting. Sirius goes right for his palette and starts mixing colours to get ones he wants. With the smallest brush available and a very light hand, he sketches out where the road and car will go, before going in with the background.
Each time he looks up to see where Marlene is in her painting, she quickly hides it from his view, so he starts to do the same. This may have been a bad idea for the two most artistic and two most competitive people of their friends to do. It’s intense to say the least.
The rest of the class appears to be blending the backgrounds of their paintings, most using the wrong paint brush to get a nice gradient, yet no one cares that it’s the wrong brush. The two of them are doing their own thing, which amuses the instructor. He stops by and sees that their bottle is empty and sweetly offers to bring another one over. That doesn’t take very long. This time Marlene doesn’t even bother pouring into her glass, instead taking a swig from the bottle. Sirius follows suit and that’s just how they continue on the rest of the evening.
Sirius is quite proud of his painting. It doesn’t take as long as most of his art, however it’s a much simpler scene and a smaller canvas. The hardest part however, proves to be the fact that they were only provided with three paint brushes.
One is somewhat small, but not small enough for true detailing. A medium sized one that does the trick when needed, especially for creating the trees, but other than that he would rarely use this type of brush. The big one is a bit of a help with getting a lot of colour onto the canvas at once, but the bristles are a bit shit when it comes to blending. So he’s struggling and trying to make the most of these brushes, to say the least.
Across from him, Marlene somehow has seven different brushes, all seeming to be better quality than his. “Where did you get those?”
“The brushes? Oh, no where.” Amusement is clear in her voice.
“Did you really bring your own? That’s not fair.”
He doesn’t mean to, but he pouts at her. Sirius’ competitive side isn’t exactly pretty, but it will only get worse from here.
“I didn’t, I swear. Come on honey, I wouldn’t do that.”
The next time the instructor passes by, Sirius notices it. She winks at him and he slips yet another brush, an expensive high quality one at that, into her hand that rests on the back of her chair. At this point, he decides to stop playing fair too. He may not have better supplies, but he sure as hell can get more detailed in his painting than she can. Not to mention he’ll do it with the amateur brushes. Or with whatever he can. Marlene won’t know what to do.
Before going back in, he takes a big sip, or three, of wine. He starts to get more and more detailed. The first thing he manages to add, though he has no clue how, is a number plate to the car that is so small it’s barely visible. But it’s there. Then he starts to add a few different styles of trees, each with varying levels of detail. The one’s closer to the foreground feature a bit more color and brightness, whereas those in the distance are almost completely black. As he does this, the rest of the class happens to also be working on their trees.
“Alright everyone! Once your trees are done, and you think the sky is dry enough, feel free to start dotting the sky with some stars. As many or as few as you like. Remember, this is your painting!” He cheerfully says to those that are following instructions.
Sirius smiles at this. He was already planning on focusing a lot on the sky. Though, he first starts by mixing a lot of white with the tiniest bit of blue to get the perfect color for stars. Some stars are more yellow, so he does the same to be able to accurately depict the sky. One problem is that the smallest brush he has is far too big for what he wants.
He flips it around, but the end of it won’t be precise enough either. Now is a time that he’s very glad he came from work. Whenever he’s tattooing, he pulls his hair back into a bun. The smallest pieces in the front always fall out, so he secures them only somewhat successfully with pins. He slips one out and, oh yes, this will work perfectly. It’s exactly what he needs for this.
Very serenely, he closes his eyes to get a clear picture of the night sky. He doesn’t see the night sky as it currently is, but he sees what it looks like at its best. Or at least, with Sirius’ favourite stars visible. With the picture bright in his mind, he maps out where each constellation will go on the canvas and then starts to paint. He delicately dips one end of the pin into the paint he mixed and starts forming the constellations one star at a time.
When the whole night sky is complete, all of the stars in their constellations, most of which are fully recognizable on his canvas for those that know astronomy, he sits back and smiles. It’s a rather simple painting, only made complex by his competitiveness, though it might be one of his favourites. He hasn’t painted the night sky in a long time, but he’s glad he did tonight. Sirius smiles to himself, he will be doing this again soon.
He misses the stars, even when they’re out at night.
“Ready to reveal?” He grabs for the bottle as Marlene places the finishing touches on her canvas.
“Only if you’re ready to lose, Black.”
With the bottle now empty after his last sip, he swaps it to instead hold his painting. “Count of three? One, two, three…”
They each turn their canvas around for the other to see. If Sirius is being honest, Marlene’s painting looks amazing. The brush strokes are all so precise, yet delicate. Realistic, yet dreamy. Fine, if he had to admit it, she might have done a really good job, even if it’s only because she cheated. He will not be telling her that though. Marlene’s ego is big enough on its own.
“You- How did you do that? Sirius, the stars are… insane.” Oh, good. Marlene is impressed and couldn’t even hide it.
“What can I say? I’m talented like that. I didn’t even have to cheat and ask for more brushes.” She rolls her eyes, but he keeps on smiling. “Yours is good too. Just not better.”
“Oh come off it. We both made some sick paintings tonight. There isn’t even a prize we were competing for.”
The instructor comes out of nowhere, or he just walked up behind Sirius without him noticing. “That sounds like something only a loser would say, you know…”
“Exactly! So you agree, mine is better. Right?” A little validation never hurt anyone.
“I mean, that level of detail without a precision brush is something I don’t think even I could accomplish. Are you an artist?”
“Tattoo artist, actually. And thank you.” He beams with pride, sneaking a glance back at Marlene to rub it in just a touch.
They stay around and chat with him for a bit while cleaning up their table. Without planning to, they end up having another glass of wine each. When it’s clear the rest of the class is heading out, Marlene pulls out her phone to find them a ride home. A cab would be easy, but they would much rather pester someone into picking them up. Especially because they know someone will come for the two of them. It’s honestly a little too easy. Or their friends just love them, that could be it too.
Mary is already out on her way to pick Lily up, so she offers to get them as well. If Sirius remembers correctly, Lily was out on a date with some girl. It’s still early, so they are not in girlfriend territory yet, but it’s not the first date either. He hopes she’s in a chatty mood when they get in the car so that they can hear all of the juicy details.
Now that Sirius has been with Remus for a while, he thrives off of the drama of his friends’ sex and dating lives. The rest of their group apparently doesn’t want to hear any of the stories of him and Remus, so he has to let the others fill in for entertaining stories. Not that he minds. He’ll happily keep all of Remus to himself.
When she pulls up, Lily is already in the car, so Sirius and Marlene pile into the back, careful not to hit their paintings on anything in case they’re still wet. “How are my two favourite girls tonight?”
“Watch your mouth.” Marlene snaps back at him, but he only laughs at her.
Mary throws a genuine smile on her face, but turns to talk to them with a playful edge to her voice. “Well, Lily was about to tell me about her date. So if you two don’t mind shutting the hell up, that would be appreciated.”
Lily proceeds to set the scene of her night. They first just met for drinks at a quaint spot somewhere between their places so neither had to travel too far. She recalls the stress she felt earlier, which apparently Mary had dealt with all day long. Sirius missed any of the messages in the group chat about it while at work, but based on the huffing and eye rolling coming from Mary, she’s heard enough on that. Lily wasn’t sure if she should bring something like flowers or just herself, in the end she didn’t. Which worked out quite well, as flowers awaited her when they met up.
It’s adorable, really. Ever since Sirius has known Lily, she hasn’t been one for getting shy or frazzled. She can talk to anyone, but still has an edge to her that comes out when people she doesn’t like come anywhere near her. Lily just exudes pure confidence, so it surprises them all with how nervous she gets about this girl. They will forever make fun of her for it.
“-then there was silence for a bit. It wasn’t really awkward, but she was just staring into my eyes, and oh god, I couldn’t stop myself from blushing. I’m pretty sure my cheeks were just as red as my hair. But she didn’t even say anything about it!” Lily groans and rests her head in her hands.
“You can’t blame her! Lil, your eyes are mesmerizing. Anyone could get lost in them for hours… I know I-”
“Mary’s right! Lily, she sounds like she utterly adores you. When can we meet her?” Marlene jumps in.
Sirius laughs, mostly because none of them have met Marlene’s sorta-not really-girlfriend either. “She seems perfect for you. Someone has to break down that hard exterior of yours.”
“My- oh shut up, Sirius. I was almost as much of a mess as you are whenever Remus breathes.” The taunt doesn’t bother him one bit, mostly because it says more about her than him. Everyone knows he’s completely and forever gone on Remus. It’s not his fault the most incredible human to ever exist happens to be his best friend and boyfriend. Anyone would trip over their feet just to be in the same air as him.
The rest of the ride is filled with more stories from the date and Sirius and Marlene trying to get them to pick a winner from their painting contest. It ends up a tie, Lily picking Sirius and Mary picking Marlene. Sirius is content with a tie, as long as he isn’t losing it’s fine. The wine from earlier is still in his system and he just sits back and rests his head. Marlene is dropped off first, and the car is significantly more quiet once she leaves.
He lets his mind wander as they drive to his place. Staring out the window and noticing different shops and watching people all going about their lives, he feels at peace. Until he remembers the woman from earlier. The woman that he is almost positive was Narcissa. There’s no way to know for sure. He hates that.
The car pulls up outside of his flat and his mind comes back to the present. After quickly giving a kiss to both Lily and Mary’s cheeks, he climbs out of the back seat and heads inside. Part of him wants to tell Remus about the woman earlier, but what would be the point? He would probably just remind him that it might not have been her and that there is no reason to worry about it.
Sirius wants that to be true, he does. If it wasn’t her, he wants to just carry on as he has been for seven years. Alone and without his family. Though he’s not truly alone, just without them. It’s not as if they talked and could reunite over just passing each other on the street. And as much as he loves his cousin, he would rather his brother. Then it hits him.
If that really was Narcissa, and he just didn’t fully register it because of the woman’s dark hair, would he have recognized his brother? So much could have changed about him in all these years, and Sirius hopes it has. He hopes that his brother grew into the person he wants to be, into who he really is. Even if that means he wouldn’t be able to pick him out of a crowd anymore. Even if he isn’t the same kid he once knew as a teenager.
Especially if he gets to be himself. That’s all Sirius can hope for.
In the end he opts to not bring it up with Remus. Maybe another time. Tonight though, he just wants to clear his head. When he opens the door to the flat he quickly enters and falls into Remus’ arms and feels instantly better. He has spent so long thinking about his family and can continue to for the rest of his life. At least when he needs a break from all of the what-ifs and worrying, he has his one constant that he doesn’t have to worry over; Remus.
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With headphones covering his ears and the noise canceling feature turned on, he really should be able to drown out the noise. Regulus has successfully stopped hearing anything his two idiot friends are saying, in fact, he stopped listening the second they brought up James and refuses to tune back in. The issue lies in the fact that the noise is coming from his own brain. Even music set to the highest volume can’t seem to stop his thoughts today. Or yesterday, or the day before that, or the day before that. Or honestly ever.
A new draft is due back to Alice in two days, yet absolutely nothing has changed since he sat down to look at it. He hasn’t even let Alice know he saw the deadline and he’s sure she is not happy about that. Part of him just wants to add back in everything that she was mad he cut and call it a day. To be fair, Regulus did cut out quite a few vital scenes. Not without reason though. The parts that are now missing reveal too much about him, in his personal opinion. Not that it would perfectly reveal his identity, no that’s not the problem. It’s that it puts some parts of his life on full view. All of the messy shit. All of the scars and pain that he would rather not relive. Yet, here he is reliving it anyway.
Every single day he questions why he started writing these stupid books in the first place.
One ear of his headphones is lifted off his head, catching his attention. “This better be important or you’re going to lose that hand, Rosier.”
“Barty wanted to ask you something.” He smiles as Regulus huffs and fully removes the headphones.
“So…. Thursday night was fun, right?” Without hesitation, Regulus kicks him. “Alright, maybe I deserved that. You still haven’t told us what actually happened. As your best friends, we deserve to know.”
“Pandora is my best friend.” He doesn’t hesitate to correct.
“I take offense to that. But have you told her then?”
“No, because she respects that I simply do not want to talk about the fact that Potter kissed me. And she’s out right now, so we will not be discussing it.” He admits. It is true that she likely wouldn’t ask, but in all fairness she is out enjoying herself on a date and Regulus is not going to interrupt her. He could have talked to her any of the days between then and now about it, but he really doesn’t want to. In fact, he has done everything he could to avoid even thinking about it. Which is going oh so very well now that Barty and Evan are pestering him.
“Potter? You haven’t called him that in years. Are you really refusing to even say his name?” He should have seen this coming. He hates this.
“And by the looks of it, you kissed him. Not the other way around.” Barty smirks at him.
The accusation is absolutely absurd because that is not at all what happened. Regulus hadn’t even been aware of the fact that they were dancing together and then not even a minute after that realization, their lips were locked. He hates that he doesn’t regret it. He hates that it happened. He hates everything about it.
So why can’t he stop thinking about it? He’s constantly thinking about how James’ lips felt on his. Thinking about how it felt to have his legs wrapped around his waist. Thinking about the way James looked at him. God… his eyes are something else. Especially when looking at Regulus. He looked at him like he was the only person to exist, like he invented being looked at, like he’s the brightest star in the sky. Which he knows for a fact he is not. It’s quite aggravating. Whenever Regulus closes his eyes he’s transported back to that moment and relives it over and over again.
So maybe he wants it to happen again. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t hate that it happened in the first place. What it does mean, is that James Potter is stupid and annoying and Regulus curses the day he let him into his life. It was immediately a lost cause, even if he didn’t know it at the time. He was a lost cause in the presence of one James Potter.
Evan’s phone buzzes, reminding Regulus that he isn’t alone and cutting off his endless train of thought about James. He immediately and quite frantically responds before meeting Regulus’ eyes. “We have a situation.”
“Situation or problem?” He eyes Evan carefully.
“It’s solved. For now…”
There’s a million things this could be about, but something tells Regulus that it is regarding the main job that Evan has. Well, it’s not his actual job. It’s just what he does for Regulus because he is secretly good with computers and is the quickest to handle things out of his friends.
“Which one?” Evan only hums noncommittally in response, so he continues. “I know that was about the books, so tell me. Who?”
“Andy…”
He doesn’t know how to feel. It’s the first time any of them have actually come so close. Typically Evan just monitors sales and nothing comes of it. Now though, at least one of them knows of their existence. There’s no way to really find out how much she knows, but the fact is, she does know. Thanks to Evan, she didn’t get to leave with the book in her hand, but what if she is now on the hunt for it? What if she gets it from somewhere they aren’t able to track and puts it all together? There’s so many unknowns. Too many unknowns for his liking.
When he started he was prepared for this. Now though, it’s been nearly four years and four books later, and nothing has happened. Suffice it to say, he is no longer prepared for what may happen if any of them actually get their hands on his books. It would reveal so much. Would Andromeda be able to figure it out? She was the first to leave, so the first book is hers. Though it was ten years ago, maybe she wouldn’t be able to put it together as easily. Maybe she wouldn’t even care to try.
Part of him is relieved that it was just Andromeda. Part of him secretly wishes it had been his brother.
“Right, okay then. Just keep a close eye on things. Got it?”
He nods and goes back to check his phone again. Regulus places his headphones back on and turns up the music to once again try and focus. He pulls up an old draft on his laptop and searches for one of the scenes he cut. Maybe if he tries to edit it rather than cut or rewrite it, it will work.
As if on cue, his phone and laptop both start ringing with a video call from Alice. He takes a second to center himself and pull his mask up to avoid snapping at her. In the background, Barty and Evan don’t get the hint to leave, but he can’t be bothered to deal with them. Regulus accepts the call from his computer and waits for Alice’s face to pop up.
She really is very nice. However, Regulus doesn’t have a history of mixing well with people who are known to be nice and sweet. At least not those he isn’t close friends with. Pandora, for example, is an exception. Though she can also be a ball of chaos when she chooses, so perhaps she doesn’t count. Maybe he just doesn’t know Alice outside of a work context, but that’s alright with him. In mere seconds he is greeted by her kind eyes and bright smile.
“Hi Regulus.” When he said that she was very nice, he did mean it. Right now however, her tone suggests otherwise. She is definitely not happy with him.
“Alice,” He sighs. “You interrupted my writing time.”
“And how was I meant to know that when you have been dodging my calls and ignoring my texts for…. What is it now? A week?”
“I was trying to beat my record. The longest I’ve gotten away with was three weeks once. Nearly a month. In case you forgot.” He is quite good at avoiding things when he doesn’t want to deal with them.
She shakes her head, though he can tell she’s amused. “I wish I could forget. I’m pretty sure I had to literally hunt you down to get an answer from you that time.”
“Fond memories, Alice. Don’t lie. Now, is there a reason you called?”
“I want to make sure you’re working on the edits, and to see if you need anything.”
Regulus knows that she means well. He really really does know that. He just wishes it was about anything else, then maybe he would be happy to be on this call. The document is genuinely open in front of him. Just nothing has been accomplished. He doesn’t want to write the scenes that Alice needs him to. All of the easy to write scenes are done with barely any edits needed to them. He could get those parts done in one afternoon. The few scenes he knows that Alice is checking on, could genuinely take him forever to write, and even then he wouldn’t like how they turn out.
Maybe that’s just because he hates how the events transpired. He can’t change the past though.
“I… Have the document open. Must I really add those scenes back in? I would rather not. I think the last draft I gave you is perfectly fine.”
“You and I both know that the scenes of you dealing with him leaving are important. Especially that first one. We can cut other scenes if you think it’s too much, but not those. I hate to tell you what to do,”
“Actually I think you love to tell me what to do.”
“Like I was saying, Regulus. It’s not just me who thinks so. I’ll give you some more time, how about that? You don’t need to get the draft back to me this weekend, but I need it by next. Deal?”
It’s the best he’ll get from her right now. “Fine. I’ll talk to you later.” He knows that she’s just doing her job and to do her job, he has to listen. He still hates it.
Just to appease her and to avoid being physically hunted down for not listening, he decides that whichever used-to-be-cut scene he comes across, will be the one he edits today. One scene today. That’s all he needs to do. It shouldn’t be too hard.
The first one he finds, mostly because it’s one of the first chapters, is his first night alone. At the end of the last book he didn’t fully reveal everything from their last night together. Regulus never included what some people would see as a very important piece of the puzzle. The reason it all hurt so much. Through many, many , conversations with his friends and Alice, everyone agreed that he has to include it. Not to out him, not to cause him pain, but because it’s the truth and it’s compelling and it’s heartbreaking.
He has never told anyone another reason he doesn’t want to include it. His brother, as a character in the story, already doesn’t look great for leaving his sibling alone in an abusive house. But this would make it seem even worse, and Regulus doesn’t want that. Over the years he has let go of his hatred, or he tries to. It wasn’t either of their faults, it’s just how things played out. Everyone will see his brother as a villain in his story for this. All he can hope is that as he portrays his own healing process, that readers let go of their grudges too.
Everyone, for the most part, was against him in this. He had hoped that Dorcas would be on his side. That she would say it wouldn’t make a difference in promoting the book once it’s published. That leaving it out would still portray the story. She didn’t. She pushed back and agreed with everyone else that it’s important. Which is true. The fact that he came out to his brother on what would turn out to be their last night together is apparently something that is vital. It stings thinking about it.
That night they both had a rough time. All these years later, he doesn’t even remember what fight they had with their parents or why they were punished or anything bad at all. What he does remember, what plays on a vivid loop in his mind, is sitting out on the roof looking at the stars together.
He remembers the good parts, the parts that would have been some of the happiest in his life. Comforting each other in the wake of their mother’s wrath. Holding onto each other and dreaming about life once they left home. Regulus breaking down and telling his big brother everything. Who he is, who he wants to be.
In the darkness of the night, illuminated by only the stars, his big brother held him. Sirius told him everything was okay, would be okay. He told him how much he loved his little brother, how proud he was, how he would do anything for him. He promised that one day everything would be better and that they would both get out and Regulus could be himself. He told him they would always be brothers, that they would always stay together.
The next day he was gone.
The next day Regulus was alone. For the first time in his life, Regulus knew what it was like to be totally and completely alone.
His first night alone, the chapter of this book he has written over and over and over again, might have been the worst night of his life. Worse than every night alone after it. It’s part of why he regrets ever starting this series. He wishes he could erase it from his memory. If things had been different, if those two nights were further apart, maybe things would be different. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much. Maybe eight years later, he wouldn’t feel like his chest is caving in whenever he thinks about it.
His breath is labored and the walls feel like they’re closing in on him. Despite that, he copies and pastes the chapter from the last time he wrote it into the current document and just stares at it, trying to stay grounded. He hates what he wrote last time. It doesn’t convey how all of that affected him right. It doesn’t capture the pain, the hurt, the betrayal.
He’s written about and talked about the way his parents treated him, but this hurts more. From far too young of an age, he learned that his parents didn’t love or care for him. Other children he talked to had loving parents, but not him. He never fooled himself into believing that his own parents were loving, even before he hated them.
Though, he doesn’t know when his feelings turned to hatred, for so long it was a twisted form of attachment or indifference, but never love. That’s because he had people who did love and care for him. His brother and his cousins all took on the role of protector with him. He was the youngest, so everyone else showed him love and care. He knew what it was to be loved, he knew what it was to have people to lean on.
That’s why it hurt more. When his mother and father would yell and scream at him, when they would belittle him, when they would hit him, he just took it. They didn’t love him. He just had to endure that. In the time since leaving, and even while still in their house, he processed that. There was nothing for him to do about it, no closure needed.
His brother however, the one who did love him, the one who promised him the world, left.
They were meant to have each other, they were meant to stick together, always . It was Sirius who said that over and over.
Then it was Sirius who broke that.
Regulus can say he hates him, he can say he blames him, but he can’t mean it. None of that is true. He loves his brother with everything he has, but he hates him for leaving him alone. He is so happy for him that he got out and probably has a better life now, but how could he leave him the way he did? It’s not fair. It’s not fair that he can’t get himself to hate him. It’s not fair that he still loves him. It’s just not fair. It’s not fair. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.
None of it is. Not that he was alone. Not that he still feels the hurt. Not that he- He can’t breathe. His throat feels like it’s closing and he- he can’t.
He can’t. He can’t. Hecan’t. He can’t he can’t he can’t he can’t He can’t he can’t he can’t he can’t He can’t he can’t he can’t he can’t He can’t he can’t he can’t he can’t He can’t he can’t he can’t he can’t.
He. can’t.
The room fades away and he can’t place where he is. Everything is fuzzy and he still can’t breathe. Why can’t he breathe? Regulus feels in front of him for his laptop, it’s still there. Okay, he’s still here. Sweat has formed lightly on his forehead, but he doesn’t think he’s hot. In fact he is quite cold. A blanket would be nice, he thinks.
If he could just breathe, then he could get himself a blanket. If the pain in his chest would just go away, then he would be able to breathe, and then he could get himself a blanket. If he could see properly, then he could get himself a blanket.
A blanket. Why does he want a blanket? Regulus doesn’t have the ability to back track his own thoughts. Instead he is busy trying to catch his own breath. He lightly shoves his laptop off his lap to lay down. With his hand on his chest he tries to press on his heart as if that would help him to breathe or stop his chest from caving in.
Eventually it passes on its own.
“Reg?” A voice he wasn’t is the first thing he hears outside of his own head. Barty and Evan have since left, he didn’t notice them leave. They must have left before his anxiety took over. Instead he looks up to James who looks back, his brow furrowed with concern. “Are you okay?”
Of all the people that could walk in right now, he’s honestly glad it’s James. Even if it means he has to see him like this. He’s the only one who has told him that he shouldn’t include this chapter if he doesn’t want to. James has said time and time again that Regulus should only write what he’s comfortable sharing. That the books would be complete with or without this chapter. Not that he knows anything about being an author, or an editor, or a publisher, just because he knows Regulus. He knows him better than Regulus ever thought he would.
Quickly he realizes that his cheeks are wet with tears and that his heart is pounding. “Yeah, yeah I’m okay.” He tries to hide all signs of what just happened.
“It’s okay if you’re not. Come on, take a break. I’ve got you.” Without further warning James sinks down onto the sofa and wraps his arms around Regulus; an action he should and normally would hate, but feels like exactly what he needs right now. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“It’s this stupid fucking chapter.” Most of the truth. James doesn’t press for more and holds him just the same, but that seems to be the only reason he continues. “I miss him and I wish I could hate him. It would be easier if I hated him.”
Very fluidly, they move from the awkward position of James hugging Regulus from beside him on the couch to practically laying down, Regulus half on top of James in between his legs. “I know, I know. You can hate him, you can say it even if you don’t mean it. You can also miss someone that you hate, those aren’t opposing forces. It would even be okay to hate him and still love him. They’re not all that different.”
James cards his fingers through Regulus’ hair and he exhales deeply - something he desperately needed to do. The panic from just moments ago finally starts to truly fade and it no longer feels like his chest could cave in at any moment. He hears the words James is saying, he knows what all of them mean, but they don’t exactly make sense. Well, maybe they do. If he really thinks about it. Maybe it's true that he hates his brother, even if he still loves him and still misses him. That may just have to be how it is. It only slightly bothers Regulus that James put it together for him, that he was able to make sense of his messy brain.
“Right. I do hate him, at least for what he did, or I guess how, or maybe just when, he did it. But I could never hate him. Just- why didn’t he come back for me?” The end comes out in a choked whisper.
“Maybe he couldn’t. Don’t stress yourself out over it, love.” James is right. He doesn’t know and there’s no use trying to work through it over and over again.
It won’t change anything.
Regulus gets caught on the last word James said, but he doesn’t know what he’s feeling. His heart flutters even though it shouldn’t. His mind races, abandoning the thoughts of his brother. At least for the moment. All he wants to do right now is to listen to the soft sounds of James’ heart by his ear, and the rise and fall of his breathing behind his head. It lulls him into a weird sense of calm that he isn’t used to. One that he hasn’t felt in far too long.
Maybe since he was last comforted by his brother. Without disturbing Regulus’ position, James reaches for his phone and turns on music. Instantly Regulus knows it’s one of his playlists that he’s previously shared with him; it makes him smile.
Under his breath, James hums and sings along, getting quite a few words wrong. All the while he continues to try, and succeed, at soothing Regulus. Earlier he had resigned himself to an evening of panic and stress. This, however, is much preferred. Even if James Potter was not who he expected this from. He hates to even admit it, but everyone else might be right. He might like James. In all honesty that bothers him more than recognizing his own feelings; his friends were all right and knew his feelings better than he did. He really hates that, especially when he usually keeps his cards so close to his chest.
He shifts to turn his head and look up at James. “Thank you.” His voice comes out quiet, but this time it isn’t weak or small, no, it’s calm and soft.
“What for?”
“This, I guess. And just- You’re so good. I don’t deserve that.”
Their eyes are locked, Regulus feels like he’s about to get lost and he doesn’t even mind. He wants to get lost. “Don’t say that, Reg. You deserve the world.”
Seconds go by. Or maybe it’s minutes, or hours, or an entire lifetime. They don’t break their gaze. It’s quiet between them. The air between them thick with anticipation. James lifts one hand to gently cup Regulus’ cheek. His thumb swiping over the dried tear stains, a small frown crossing his face as he does.
That quickly turns to the corners of James’ lips twitching up, revealing the slightest hint of his beautiful and infectious smile, all signs of the previous frown gone. Regulus blinks and looks down, trying to not reveal how badly he wants to smile back at the man in front of him, the man holding the fragile pieces of him together.
“I want to kiss you right now.” The words leave his lips and float through the air making Regulus’ heart skip a beat.
“Okay.”
James breathes out a small laugh and Regulus all but melts in his arms. “Can I?”
The man in front of him is just too good. He doesn’t think he’s real anymore. Surely Regulus has made up James Potter in his head. He’s messing with him, it’s the only possibility. How can one man be made up of so much good and comfort him repeatedly and fucking ask if he can kiss him? James is simply not real. There is no other explanation.
“You didn’t ask last time.” Regulus returns the slight laugh. From James it sounded adorable, endearing. From Regulus, he thinks it sounds small and pathetic.
For the first time since locking eyes, even since getting comfortable on the sofa, James pulls back. His hand drops from Regulus’ face, and he looks utterly offended. “What do you mean? Reg, are you insinuating that I kissed you ?”
“Obviously, because that’s what happened.”
“Oh, love. No. That was all you. I was quite shocked, honestly.”
Regulus scoffs. “That is not what happened.”
“Yes it is.”
“No it’s not.”
“Yes it is!”
“ No . It is not .”
And then James pulls his face in and their lips crash together. It feels different than last time. Like there’s more weight behind it. Maybe it’s different because James is infuriatingly right and he wasn’t the one to initiate it last time. Or maybe, it just feels different because he’s sober and it feels so fucking right that his brain doesn’t know what to do with it.
They don’t move how they’re sitting, despite it being awkward and Regulus only half facing James. It would be so easy to shift, but they don’t. They stay there kissing each other, not full of lust like they had previously. This is deep and meaningful and soft.
He honestly didn’t expect this to happen again. Part of him definitely wanted it to, but he would have never done anything about it. Not when deep down he knows he wants it to mean more. Regulus can’t risk it messing things up. If anything happens, he needs to be sure that James wants it too. He’s already been so vulnerable - too vulnerable - with James. He knows more about him than most people do or ever will. He simply can’t have anything ruin that. He can’t be the one to ruin their friendship.
Against his own desire to stay kissing him forever, he pulls away. James looks at him with stars in his eyes. “James…” He breathes out.
“Hi.” He smiles like an idiot.
“What is this? What are we doing?” Regulus has to know, he can’t let this continue without knowing. He would though, that’s the thing. If he didn’t ask, he would happily kiss James in secret, he would happily go to James whenever he needed to, he would let James comfort him just as he had today. Those parts of it would be selfish and he’s okay with that. It’s the destruction and the fall out of it all when things go wrong that would wreck him. He’s lost too many people in his life, he can’t let James be another.
James ever so softly grabs Regulus’ hands in his and brings them up to his lips. “Whatever you want it to be, love. Something, everything, nothing. But I really hope it’s not nothing.”
“Not nothing. I- no. This is definitely not nothing.” He can barely hide the warmth he feels entering his cheeks. “I think that I might, maybe like you.”
When the words leave his lips, he is taken aback. Sure, maybe he had thought them. That didn’t mean he planned to say it out loud. Those words were a deep dark secret that he never wanted to see the light of day. Instantly he regrets it. James just stares at him. What is he supposed to do with that? No, absolutely not. He has to immediately leave the room and never speak to James, or honestly anyone ever again. Regulus quickly scrambles to get out of James’ lap and off the sofa. This proves to be entirely pointless, as he ends up struggling the whole time. James grabs hold of his hips and he can’t move anywhere.
“Let go of me!” He squirms, though still making absolutely no progress.
“It’s about time you admitted that.” His fucking smirk just about sends Regulus over the edge, but the comment itself makes him only that much more determined to escape his grasp. “Oh come on, Reg. I’m just messing with you.”
“I hate you, you know. So much.”
“Yeah sure. Whatever you say.” James shakes his head and laughs. Easily, because Regulus still didn’t make any progress in leaving, James pulls him back into another sweet kiss. It only lasts a second, before he pulls away and cups Regulus’ cheek. “I like you too, in case you were wondering.”
“I wasn’t…” He absolutely, most definitely was wondering.
He can’t help the way his heart flutters and the smile that blooms across his face. Stupid James Potter. In a feeble attempt to hide how pleased he is by this, he pulls James back into another kiss, finally resituating them on the sofa to a more comfortable position. Easier for them to kiss, easier for Regulus to get lost in his eyes, easier for James to hold onto him, easier for Regulus to twist his fingers in his soft curls, just… Easier. Not to mention, they could be here for a while. Neither of them show any signs of wanting to leave the other’s grasp.
When they need to come up for air, James pulls away. “Come on.” Regulus frowns at him, he doesn’t want to go anywhere. “Let’s get away from your computer and out of the house. Coffee or something? Whatever you want.”
“Hmmm, I guess that would be good. Just- can we go somewhere we won’t run into anyone?” The second he asks, he feels bad about it.
They just, quite literally just decided they were… something . Except he doesn’t want to deal with whatever anyone else will have to say about them right now. And it’s not entirely unexpected that people would talk, because anyone who knows them both, knows that this is new and well, surprising. At least surprising in the fact that it’s real and not just Regulus staring at him for far too long, or James being overly attentive to him. It’s just- Regulus wants this for them, for himself, not anyone else. For now, he just wants to savour being with James without worrying what anyone else has to say.
“Anything for you.” James grabs his hands and pulls him along and his chest swells.
Regulus drives them to a coffee shop that he loves, but has never told anyone about. It’s his favourite spot, especially when he wants to get away from everything and everyone. He’s come here to write before, or to just sit in a corner and people watch while sipping his coffee. Today though, he is happy to bring James. To invite him into a secret place of his. Now it can be theirs, together.
It’s not awkward between them, as Regulus thought it might be. No, they fit together so perfectly. Not just physically - though, Regulus’ hand fits so well in James’ that he thinks their hands were meant to be linked. They work well as people, and the transition from friends to whatever this something that they are is, was so natural. James talks the whole way there, and Regulus knows this is in an attempt to distract him, and it is working quite well. The air between them is warm and just being together calms him.
As they sit with their coffees, Regulus hesitates. He wants to ask James something so badly, but the answer scares him. He does it anyway. If they really are something, this shouldn’t ruin it. “Would you want to come back and stay over tonight?”
“Do you want me to?” Regulus feels far too vulnerable when he nods his head. “Then I will. I want to. Yes.” Together they laugh at the ridiculousness of themselves, before James abruptly stops. “I have plans early tomorrow, is that okay? I don’t want to be a bother in the morning…”
“Are you saying that you’re going to just leave me alone after our first night as- together?” He feigns offense.
“Yes- fuck, I mean, no. Well, I told my friend from uni - Remus, I think I’ve mentioned him before, right? - I told him that I was free tomorrow and I don’t want to cancel at the last minute. We haven’t seen each other in a bit. Is that okay?” James, very adorably, sounds worried.
“James, it’s fine. I was messing with you.” He softly presses a kiss to his lips, both of them now smiling.
He rests his head on James’ shoulder and forgets all about the day. The rough part of it, that is. He definitely, vividly remembers all the good parts. Everything fades away and he’s just happy to be here with James.
To be something with James.