Part three
James woke up with his head pounding.
He could already tell this is going to be a long day. Grogilly, he lets out a sigh, trying to stretch his arms out just to find out he can´t move them.
Panicked, he quickly opens his eyes, cursing under his breath when he saw the scene.
Oh, they must have been so, so wasted yesterday. This was not good.
First thing he sees is a flop of burning red hair and his stomach flops down to the fucking floor.
Lily is still asleep, holding James´ arms tightly, close to her chest. They´re both half naked which is bad but also good?
That meant that they probably didn´t do it, right? James would´ve be able to tell if they did it, right?
Oh, this is fucked up.
He tries to wiggle his way out of Lily´s clasp, carefully, not trying to wake her up. He´s not even breathing, holding it all back and releasing it just when he´s free.
This is really fucked up.
What were they even thinking? This was just terrible in all ways possible.
There´s Mary and now... Regulus.
Fuck.
Regulus.
James screams internally, messing up his hair even more. Pulling and twisting at the roots in frustration to try and remember.
Everything is one blurry mess. He could remember things quite well before the others arrived. He was teasing Regulus, but he can´t really recall why.
Then, he was messing around with Sirius. They were opening the gifts when Peter and the girls arrived. He can remember talking to Lily later that night, she was telling him about the painting.
But from there on... Almost nothing.
He can recall certain emotions but not the full image.
At one point he is more than certain he was talking to Regulus, but it wasn´t good.
That´s what he knows.
This is rather silly of him. They don´t even know each other that much. Well... at all. But still, this is- it´s just wrong.
It feels so wrong. He wants to know Regulus. He wants to find out and learn things about him. He wants to see him again but he doesn´t want anybody standing between them.
He sighs, reaching for his glasses that are left on the nightstand which must have woken Lily up.
“We fucked up,” is the first thing she says. Just from her voice James can tell she´s not doing any better than him and her head is about to explode.
“This should´ve never went this far,” Lily continued after a second, scrubbing her face. Her hair was one big mess laid out on the pillow beneath her making it look like pouring fire. She was truly gorgeous, but that was not for James to see, someone else deserved that.
“If it helps you, I don´t think we actually...” James started.
“Oh, thank God for that! James, I feel so-”
“Yeah, I know Lils,” he said sympathetically.
He didn´t really want to talk about it, but it was kind of their sore spot for longer period of time now, so they better talk it out now.
“But she was right there and I felt so lonely,” Lily sighed, turning on her back and staring at the ceiling. James could see her bite her lower lip nervously.
“You should just talk to her, Lils. I think at least getting it off your chest-”
“I´m not you, James. I can´t,” her voice was starting to get wobbly and her eyes teared up. “I just can´t lose her,” she whispered. “Not like this.”
James made an empathetic noise, curling up next to Lily again and hugging her.
She let him, laying her head on his shoulder as he rubbed circles onto her back gently.
The thing is – they both feel used. They both know it but won´t acknowledge it just for the sake of the other.
Their intention was never to hurt each other but they really need to stop being self-destructive first.
This was their thing for about two years now. At first, James thought Lily was the one for him, but soon realised his heart aches for something else, something he can´t quite picture.
Nevertheless, they made an unspoken vow, an understatement, to always have the option to just have each other.
But soon it turned into this attention seeking game.
Lily was trying to make Mary jealous, which James didn´t understand at first, he didn´t even notice for fuck´s sake, but ever since then their unspoken vow felt regrettable. Unacceptable, maybe even pitiful.
Every time this has happened in the past James felt different though.
Now, there´s more weight in the pit of his stomach and he can´t really focus on Lily´s side of problems.
Even as they´re huddled together, James Potter can´t bring himself to think of anyone else than one certain not-so stranger star.
He needs to check if it´s still shining.
“Lily...” James started carefully. “We really need to stop doing whatever-” he gestured between them with his hands,”-this is.”
“It´s not fair to you or me,” he said with finality in his voice.
He could feel Lily nod, now besides him, and smile tightly.
But the thing is – you can´t see the stars during the day.
He walked Lily out before anyone else might wake up and then made his way to the living room area.
A part of him was hoping that he´d find Regulus there, curled up and asleep, but instead he just stared at the empty couch.
Snuffles was still sleeping mindlessly, belly out in the open and tongue hanging free from his mouth which he smiled a bit at.
With a sigh he started cleaning up the living room and kitchen.
While washing the dishes, James couldn´t not bring himself but to wonder why was he even feeling this way.
He didn´t really give it much thought before, when Regulus was still here, in reach.
Well, yes, he thought he looked very handsome the day they met but that wasn´t really anything out of the ordinary.
He just liked the way it felt around him, like he was some mythical creature. Pulling, luring him in.
He can acknowledge beauty when he sees it.
But the thing that pained him was the next day.
For fuck´s sake he´s Sirius´ little brother.
The brother he heard so much about and spent wondering so much about his brain could snap in pieces.
He can´t, won´t, do anything to hurt Sirius but there really is something otherworldly about him that James can´t shrug off.
He knows he´s being ridiculous and he shouldn't even think about him like this, but he can´t help himself.
He starts doing the dishes at ten o´ clock and is so lost in himself that when the clock hits twelve he doesn´t notice he´s almost done.
They made one colossal mess yesterday – leaving bottles, glasses, plates, bowls and cutlery spattered everywhere. And he means everywhere.
That includes under the couch or the top of the fridge, or Snuffles´ feeding bowls.
As he was drying off the last few plates Sirius came stumbling in, still in his pyjamas and clearly hangover.
“Morning Prongs,” he yawned. “Slept well?”
James just hummed in response while Sirius automatically took place next to him and started helping him out with the dishes.
They spent a few moments in silence, James handing the plates to Sirius and him putting them in their respective place, just enjoying the peace and quiet.
“Jeez, last night went a little crazy, huh,” Sirius snorted after a while, poking James under his ribs.
“Yeah, actually wondering how the neighbours didn´t call the cops on us to be honest,” he smirked.
With the last dishes being put they just stood in the kitchen, propped on the counters in silence again.
They were clearly thinking about the same thing. It was just a matter of time until one of them brings it up.
“Ehrm,” Sirius clears his throat, the rough sound bouncing off the walls. “Did you see...”
“Nope,” James said, emphasizing on the P sound.
“Right,” he nods his head with, or well, without any trace of emotion.
James knows what this means. He is pushing everything away, closing himself off.
“Sirius, it´s not your fault,” James lets out, his heart already aching just because he sees Sirius like this.
He just fixes a tight smile on his face that´s not really reaching his eyes and says,: "Yeah, I know.”
James decides that it´d be for the best to leave it be, at least for now, and they start making breakfast together.
They prepare various vegetables and fruits, cook eggs and make pancakes which makes the flat smell like heaven once again.
They just set the table when Remus and Teddy walk in.
“Mm, this smells delicious,” Remus praised, kissing Sirius on his cheek gently.
James crouched down to be at eye-level with Teddy and asked,: “Ready for breakfast Bear?” Which was returned with sets of giggles and squeals.
“More like lunch, Prongs,” Remus muttered, looking at the time.
“Well, then it´s brunch,” he declared, making Teddy laugh again. He helped him get seated, bringing some pillows for him while Sirius and Remus were filling up their plates.
James could sense that Remus knew something was off but kept quiet about it, making the breakfast, or brunch, loaded with nervous energy.
The only one happily chatting being Teddy.
He was going on and on about all of the gifts from yesterday, still seemingly buzzing with excitement.
“And which one did you like the most, Bear, hm?” James asked, more to just make it seem like nothing is going on.
Teddy seemed to think about it, humming with his lips scrunched up. “I think the big lego sets!” Teddy finally exclaimed.
James smiled. “Yeah, and why is that?” he asked tentatively. Oh, if only Regulus could see.
“Have you seen them uncle James?! They´re perfect!” his eyes light up along with his whole little face.
Sirius suddenly stands up and leaves the table without saying a word.
James and Remus shared a look. It took only a second, James nodded, and Remus went after Sirus, leaving him with Teddy.
“Why did daddy and Siri left, James?” he asked, frowning. James signed sadly.
“They just need to talk something out, you know. They´ll be back soon, I believe.” That seemed to satisfy the kid but he still seemed cheerless.
“Hey,” James nudged him gently. “Wanna play? Or maybe watch something?”
“Uncle James?” Teddy asked instead. “Why wasn´t mommy here yesterday? When is she coming back?” And oh. This might´ve broken James´ heart.
What was he even supposed to say a five-year-old? It wasn´t even he, that should be answering those questions.
No one really knew what was wrong, what was going on, they were all just hoping it´ll end well. And soon.
He couldn´t bring himself to just lie to Teddy and tell him his mom is going to be here to pick him up, when in reality, he might be staying here for quite some time.
“Well, you know Bear,” James furrowed his brows in thought, preparing what he´s going to say. “Your mom, um,” he started twisting his fingers nervously.
“She is not feeling very well right now.” That´s it. He´s simply not having this conversation with him. He can´t do that.
“But when is she going to be alright again?” Teddy asked, head tilted to one side in wonder.
James wanted to scream or to punch. This was just not fair.
“I think you should talk about this with your daddy, alright?” he tried not to snap at him, but his voice still came out a bit harsher than what he expected.
Teddy just hung his head low but didn´t ask any more questions.
“I´m really sorry Bear, I don´t have the answers you´re looking for,” James said apologetically touching his hand.
“That´s okay,” he smiled and it teared James´ hear even more. Teddy was such an angel, he really did not deserve any of this.
James could imagine life was hard for him now, and he can´t even think about how it will be then.
“Do you still want to watch something?” Teddy asked, looking at him with those big eyes that reminded him of Remus.
“Of course, love,” he took him on his hands and walked to the sofa, plopping them both on it with a thud.
Soon after, Remus walks out of their bedroom, looking tired, but that could honestly be from yesterday, James can´t really tell.
They were there together for quite some time, but the look on his face is indicating bad news. He smiles when he sees Teddy and sits down with them, wrapping his hands around his son.
“...So?” James gently opens the topic. Remus just sighs.
“He´s trying to call him right now.”
“Okay,” James says, not knowing what to do now.
It was just difficult. With Sirius. Once he got idea stuck in his head, he won´t let go.
If he believes that Regulus absolutely despises him, then he´ll think so even if Regulus himself would tell him otherwise.
If he believes he´s a bad person, it won´t change even if James tells him a million times every day he isn´t, he just needs to find out himself.
Which sometimes takes longer than what it could´ve if he just listened.
“Um, hey I-” he was cut of by Sirius, now screaming.
“Fucking Christ, Reg, can´t you at least tell me you´re leaving?!” They could hear him through the closed door clearly and Remus rubbed his eyes, covering Teddy´s ears.
“It´s not like I was keeping you here locked Regulus. You could've fucking told me...”
“Well at least you had the audacity to pick up the phone I guess, great job.”
James looked at Remus and knew that it was now his time to go there.
So he did.
He opened the door to find his best friend teary-eyed and sitting on the floor, back pressed against the bed.
James slowly took the phone away from him. “Goodbye Regulus,” he said calmly, wincing a bit when he just heard the call end without a goodbye back.
He looked at Sirius who was wiping away the tears with his sleeves, a childish gesture, and sat on the cold floor with him.
“I feel like he hates me,” Sirius whispered.
“I know he hates me.”
James has enough of his shit. He sits and listens and cries with him but this time he needs to get his shit sorted out.
He never, not once, snapped at Sirius like he´s about to.
“Sirius for fuck´s sake, listen to me,” he said hardly.
“You know he needs time and space, we can be happy about the fact that he freaking showed up and that means something, alright?” James continued while Sirius was staring at him, scowl on his face.
“And- no. Don´t fucking do that,” he pointed at Sirius, shaking his head.
“Don´t fucking act like this and finally grow up.” The second he said it he wanted to take it back.
He didn´t know what made him say such thing. He doesn´t want to mean it.
“Sirius I-” he took a shaky breath in.
“Are you taking your meds, James...?” Sirius asked quietly. “You didn´t mean that...” He said it like he was trying so hard to believe it, eyes hurt and wide open.
The thing is – James really doesn´t want to mean it, but it´s true.
“Sirius, you need to start thinking about his side of things too.” He settled for. He knows he already did more damage than good, but he needs Sirius to understand the gravity of this situation.
“And you need to fucking take your meds James. You´re being mean,” Sirius exhales a rattling breath, tears already sliding down his cheek.
“This is not about the-” James started but got quickly cut off.
“Of course it is, James, can´t you see!” he swallowed hard, gesturing to himself.
“Oh, don´t make this about yourself now. I´m just trying to help you.”
“Help me? By making me more miserable? Well, thank you very much for your help, James, I appreciate it,” Sirius said, his voice heavily coated with wet tears.
This seemed to snap him right out of it.
One look at his best friend.
He really just made it worse when he wanted to help.
He should´ve never even started yelling at him in the first place.
That stupid fucking brain of his was just playing with him again.
Sirius was right. He wasn´t taking his meds.
“I´m so sorry Padfoot,” James immediately apologised, feeling tears of his own starting to form.
Sirius looked at him wearily, before nodding slightly. “Can I have my best friend now back please,” he whispered, absolutely collapsing in James´ arms.
“I want him back, James,” Sirius said after a while, still in his embrace.
“Yes, I know, Pads, but he can´t be back for 100% now, you know,” James tired. “He´s scared. I´d be scared too, I think that was pretty brave of him actually.”
That brought a small chuckle out of Sirius.
“I think we need to start slowly, don´t just,” James was finding the right words. “Throw it on him like this. We need to take this step by step,” he finished, and he could feel Sirius getting up.
“Okay,” he nodded like he was convincing himself again.
“It´ll be alright.” James smiled at him.
“Over blood and tears,” he said, reaching out, his pinky up. Sirius smiled too.
“Over blood and tears,” he laughed a bit, intertwining their pinkies together.
That night, when they were all huddled up together on the sofa, watching Grinch something almost magical happened.
Suffles would not stop barking and interrupting the movie – not the magical part – until very agitated Sirius finally leapt from the couch and was giving him attention.
Snuffles kept nudging him with his snout, leading him closer to the TV and where the stockings were hanging.
He frowned, looking at Snuffles and back at the stocking, until he noticed something.
Something was in his stocking. He was sure that it wasn´t there before, someone must have put it there yesterday or the day before.
When he pulled the object out, he came crushing down on the floor again.
Maybe his brother doesn´t hate him after all.