Part two
"...Just don´t expect me talking about it, okay?" Regulus said now more calmly. They were sitting in the living room again. It was well past ten and they had to be careful not to yell again because of the neighbours. "Not now at least." Or ever, he wanted to say.
Sirius bite his lip, like he wanted to say something but then just nodded.
"I really missed you too, but you probably gathered that already," Sirius huffed a laugh which turned into a sigh. They were once more seated in their places - Sirius and Regulus on the sofa and Remus patiently waiting in the armchair. Snuffles was laying in his bed under the tree, probably sleeping. "I´m sorry Reg, I know you don´t- you don´t like talking about stuff like that... I just," he shook his head again, lips tight in a sad smile. "I just wish we could talk about it." Regulus could feel his brother´s eyes on him but he was looking at the floor. He couldn't bring himself to meet his eyes.
"Well, we´re not going to," Regulus said through his teeth. He was trying his best to not get all heated again. It wasn´t in his nature, but Sirius always seemed to bring out the worst of him sometimes. He almost never screamed or fought; it was unnecessary for him. Stupid almost. Yes, he was bickering with his friends and sometimes it turned into something more serious but he was always the composed one. "Mature" like people liked to say when he was younger.
"Okay..." Sirius quietly said. His head was propped by his hand. He was tired, Regulus could tell.
He played with the hem of his sweater and was considering leaving but it felt weird. Sirius literally ran after him to make him stay, but he didn´t want to keep them from doing their business.
Like Sirius knew what was going on in his head he called out: "do you want to stay here tonight?" Regulus looked up from the floor.
"You know...you could spend tomorrow with us if you don´t have plans already- which is fine by the way," he continued more nervously. It didn´t suit him at all. Regulus wondered what happened to that bold Sirius who just didn´t care.
"I can say," Regulus said after a while. He could stay for one night and then come back home. That can´t hurt anyone.
Sirius instantly light up, smiling, grinning actually, and he looked like he´s going to explode. "Oh, I just love you Reg."
He rolled his eyes.
"You can be in the guest room," Remus said for the first time he was sitting there.
"Wait, come with me I´ll show you," Sirius was already dragging him as he said so, not caring if he wanted to or not. Oh, here it was again, the Sirius Regulus remembers.
"Okay, so here it is," he gestured to the brown door and opens it dramatically. When they walk in, the first thing Regulus notices is the king-sized bed. It´s in Christmas bedsheets which are neatly done and over them a fluffy blanket takes a place. The room is filled with table, which looks like it´s being used rather religiously, - papers and books and mugs are all over the surface- small library overflowing with books, lots and lots more pictures on the walls and an electric guitar in the corner.
"It´s a bit of a mess right now, hope you don´t mind," Sirius says after a while. "It´s not so a guest room as it is our friend´s room really, but... You know, when he´s not here we can use it as a guest room," he smirks. Regulus wonders if Sirius would make place for his own room in his flat if he was still in his life.
"Wait, I need to do a whole flat tour now, don´t I?" And he was being dragged around again. Super.
"Okay, okay, so you´ve seen the living room and kitchen, here´s mine and Remus´ bedroom," Sirius pointed to a room right opposite of the one they just were in. He quickly opened the door and let Regulus peek in for like five seconds, then he was dragging him again into the next room. "And here´s the main bathroom." It was nice, with a bath and shower. Regulus imagined there had to be lot of natural light during the day because of the big windows. "You´ve seen the other bathroom, so that leaves us with the pantry," Sirius stopped again to show him. He was like a little kid, honestly. Zooming around, proudly showing what he and Remus built themselves.
"And the only room left is..." he now stopped completely. Like he was unsure of what he´s about to say.
So Regulus helped him.
"Teddy´s?" his voice was a little breathless, just above whisper.
Sirius nodded and took a breath in before he led Regulus to the last room. When they entered, he was afraid of waking Teddy up, but he wasn´t there. He frowned when he noticed, but didn´t say anything.
"He picked the paint himself," Sirius chuckled. He had his hands in his back pockets of his jeans and for a second he also just looked around. Toys were scattered everywhere on the floor and the bed, more were stacked in boxes lined up against the wall. Regulus noticed the light-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling above the bed and smiled. The floor was mostly covered with the big rug with dinosaurs which was kind of off considering the purple walls, but it was definitely better than their room when they were little. It was no colours, with no toys, just the black wood furniture and expensive chandelier.
"It´s nice," Regulus said when they were quiet for some time and he could feel Sirius nod next to him.
"You might be wondering where´s Teddy..." Sirius murmured quietly. And yes. Jackpot.
"You know, that´s also another reason I´m here." Regulus admitted. Sirius looked at him. "I mean when you send that card, I was just really... surprised, I guess."
Sirius inhaled loudly before saying:" gave you bit of a heart attack, didn´t I," he grinned. "But... Yeah well, we decided to finally get more comfortable with this and share it with the rest of our friends."
"He´s with his mom right now, you know," Sirius added then after a beat of silence. They were still standing in the doorway, looking around. "If you... If you want to talk about this, I really think we should talk about it with Remus too." Regulus felt himself nod slowly and then follow Sirius into the living room. Of course, Sirius would want to talk about this with Remus.
He was standing in the kitchen, cleaning up the dishes when they came in. Sirius whispered something in his ear and tangled their hands together, leading him to sit together in the armchair. It seemed impractical - Sirius was practically sprawled all over Remus, but he didn´t seem to care.
"So, Teddy..." Sirius started again, his throat dry. He shared a look with Remus before continuing.
"Before we´ve got really serious, we had a bit of a period when we..." he scratched the back of his neck. "Well, we just fought a lot,"
At this, Remus made a funny face, but let Sirius continue.
"We actually broke up, for like, two days," Remus laughed and Sirius send him a look. Jesus, they´re like old married couple.
"Yeah, that doesn´t matter now. But as I said, we weren´t on the best terms back then, it was around five years ago," Sirius said. His hands were in Remus´ hair, lazily stroking it. "And one lovely night, when we had particularly big fight, I left, Remus left..."
"Basically, I got really wasted and then fucked my friend," Remus said when Sirius was quiet. His face twitched when he heard it, but he forced a smile on his face.
Regulus opened his mouth, closed it, opened again but nothing came out. Actually, what the fuck? He kind of wanted to laugh to be honest.
"But I was also high and it wasn´t entirely my fault. She had a big role in this too..." Remus sighed. "The whole time it just felt so bad. I was actually so disgusted and then I just imagined Sirius, but well, it was nothing to compare and just... Ugh, yeah."
"After the fight, we got back together and I told Sirius immediately. It was crushing me on the inside and I couldn´t live with the knowledge of what I did." For fuck´s sake, Lupin really was serious with him wasn´t he.
"I did some pretty bad stuff too, you know," Sirius murmured. "So, don´t think bad of Remus. You of all people know what anger can lead you to do." He looked him in the eyes, but it wasn´t disappointed or angry, it was more of an apological look.
"After a few months she told me she´s pregnant, and well..." Remus laughed and shook his head. "I couldn´t really be with her, could I? But I still wanted to keep the kid you know." Regulus didn´t really know, but he let him talking. "We made our rules, about raising him and stuff. It´s working now mostly, but there also was a lot of trial and error."
"We spend a really long time talking about it with Sirius, I didn´t want him to feel like he´s now trapped with me or something."
"I realised that I would like to spend the rest of my time with Remus, honestly, and I realised I want him too," Sirius smiled. "And- and I know, he´s not really ours... But it feels like it." He sighed. "I really love him, Reg." Remus looked at Sirius after this and Regulus could see that his eyes were glossy now, he was tearing up. He kissed his temple lovingly and Regulus had to look away. It felt too intimate to look.
"We´re still friends with his mom, but it´s not the same anymore," Remus said, the tears not visible anymore, like they weren´t even there in the first place. "I still blame her and me for doing such thing, but I keep telling myself that maybe it was good for something."
"Now we´re like a real family," Sirius cuts in.
"You know, sooner or later we´d probably stumble across this topic anyway, so maybe it was good we decided to keep him," Remus said.
"It was good," Sirius whispered, like he was assuring Remus and himself.
“He´ll come around tomorrow to spend Christmas with us,” Sirius informed him. His chest swelled up a bit, but he didn´t know why. “I told him about you, you know,” he then mumbled. Regulus didn´t have a clue how to answer to such thing.
When Sirius gathered he´s not getting a response from him he continued. “Anyway, we wanted to set up the decorations before he´ll arrive, wanna help?” he smirked.
It was already kind of late and all of them were tired, Regulus could tell, but what else could he do, really? So, he felt himself nod and they got into it.
First was the kitchen, Remus climbed on the counters to put up garlands with lights while Sirius was securing him – more like openly staring at his ass for a good half an hour – and then Remus made Sirius actually help. He started cleaning the surfaces and putting things into their place. Regulus just watched for a while, not sure what to do exactly. Then he trailed to the tree and re-started to wrap the lights around.
“No- uh,” Sirius quickly let out when he noticed him. Regulus carefully put the lights down and stared at him. “Um, It´s just...” he scratched the back of his head. “We sort of always decorate it with my best friend, you know, and we were supposed to do it together today, and as you can see, I already put out everything for it, but then he called to say he´s stuck in his work for longer than he thought so he´s probably going to stop by tomorrow morning,” Sirius explained and Regulus slowly nodded, a little bit hurt by this.
“Sure, it´s no problem,” he said. “I´m probably going to sleep anyway, you know, long day,” he murmured, already on his way to the guest room. He could feel Sirius´ eyes on his back the whole way there.
As soon as he closed the door behind him, he sat down on the bed. Now that he was here alone, he could really examine the photos without Sirius urging him to go see another room. The lightning was dimmed, only source of it being the small lamp on the nightstand, so he couldn´t really focus on the details but it didn´t bother him. Now that he had some of the answers he so desperately lacked, it was easier to give people in the pictures their roles.
The first photo he noticed was framed, hanged on the wall next to the door. It was photo of Remus and Teddy´s mom - most probably - and Teddy. The woman looked younger than Remus, Regulus guessed that maybe around three or four years or so. Her hair was vibrant shade of purple with some pink highlights and her nose was pierced. It was undeniable that she was pretty, Regulus could even see some resemblance between her and his own brother. She had an easy-going smile on her face while holding Teddy in her arms. Remus was watching them fondly, with creased eyes and toothy smirk. Teddy looked younger than in the postcard they send him, maybe it was last year, but Regulus couldn´t tell with certainty.
The next photo was on the desk, it was full of people – around ten or even more – and Regulus could only recognise his brother. They were all laughing at something at that moment, some holding drinks in their hands, some holding snacks. All were dressed up- the women had full face makeup with glitters and rosy cheeks and men had their best suit on. They were at some kind of party, maybe New Year´s...
“Ugh, I just don´t get what I´m doing wrong!” Sirius hissed suddenly and Regulus stopped, quickly laying down. He could hear some shuffling and then two pairs of footsteps.
“Pads, you just need to give it some time...” that was Remus.
“He´s just so fucking stubborn, you know?”
“Yeah, that´s probably family trait.”
After a while there was a sigh followed by chuckle. Then, the only thing Regulus could pick up was the closing of the door and it was quiet again.
Regulus couldn´t sleep.
He never really could these past couple of days. Or months, really. And the fact that he wasn´t in his bed made it even harder for him.
So, he took out his phone.
When he checked the time, it was three in the fucking morning. How is he going to manage tomorrow, he had no idea.
He texted Barty but he wasn´t answering. The twat was probably sleeping when he needed him the most. Like half of the fucking population would, he reminded himself.
So, after another ten minutes of turning and tossing he got up. He poured himself a glass of water and sat down on the sofa, just staring out the big window. The stars weren't really visible here, which made sense but it still surprised him a bit. He was used to seeing them pretty well from his own flat. Back there wasn´t so much light pollution. Suddenly the thought of this made him sad. The fact that people were so ignorant to this. They basically snapped the most beautiful art for the eye away, without even noticing or giving it a second thought. People are just so stupid, he thought.
He sighed and craned his neck on the sofa backrest, watching the ceiling instead. He had his brother´s t-shirt which was big on him and just his underwear. If someone told him a week ago that he´d be spending Christmas with his brother and his idiotic boyfriend, and child, and dog he´d laugh in that person´s face. But here he is.
Suddenly he remembered the snow globe from earlier. And, after some thought he got up and as quietly as he could tip-toed back to his room to get it.
When he returned to the living room Snuffles was watching him like he was possessed by a demon.
“Not now doggo,” Regulus whispered into the dead-silent flat. It echoed and bounced off the walls. The dog was slowly creeping up on him, growling and showing his teeth.
“I´m playing Santa now, so don´t-” he was cut off by the dog jumping on him and scaring the SHIT out of him. The first three seconds after the impact he thought he had died but soon he realised the dog was...licking him?
What the fuck is this dog honestly.
“Okay, okay,” he breathed out. “Now, get the fuck off.” Regulus tried to shove the dog from him, but surprisingly, it was rather strong. Or well, stronger than what Regulus thought would a one year oldpuppy be.
“Bro, seriously, calm down,” he hissed. “You´re going to wake up everyone, is that what you want?” Regulus tried different tactic. It was working.
“Your owners are going to be so angry at you if you wake them up now.” The dog made a sound and got off Regulus. Now, pleased with himself, Regulus stood up, brushing off the dog´s hair.
When he looked down at Snuffles, he was already watching him with big, alien eyes, like he was trying to tell him something. The intensity of the look made Regulus squirm.
No. There is something more about this dog. Regulus swears.
He sighs and rubs his eyes, walking away from it. Unfortunately, Snuffles didn´t quite get the idea and was walking right with Regulus. Oh, fuck him.
“What do we do with you, hm?” he whispered again. The dog bumped its snoot against the snow globe in his hand.
“Well, I was going to before you rudely interrupted.” He sent him a glare. The dog bumped into his hand again but then pointed to where the TV was hanging. Under it were stockings which weren´t there when Regulus was here the last time a few hours ago.
“Oh, you want me to put it there?” He asked like the dog would answer. Instead, it just went to lay back in its bed, leaving Regulus humbled. “Right.”
He examined the globe again, for the last time, before putting it into the stocking. After that, he went to lay on the couch. A comforting heat helped him fall asleep then.
“When´s Teddy coming?”
“Dora said she´ll bring him at around three. What about James?”
“I think any second.”
“Do you want tea?”
“Mhm, but maybe later so we don´t wake up Regulus. I know he most probably fell asleep at some unholy hour...”
“Look how cute they´re all tangled together on the sofa.”
He groaned, attempting to stretch his hand, but failing. Something heavy and hot was pressed into his side, making his hand go completely numb. He panicked then and opened his eyes quickly only to see Snuffles sleeping on him. With another groan he pushed him off.
It really wasn´t a good idea to sleep on the sofa, his whole body now hurt. He felt like a fucking train rode over him.
“Guess we don´t have to wait anymore,” Remus said from the kitchen, watching Regulus slowly raise from the death.
“Good morning,” Regulus grumbled, pulling out a snort out of Remus and sleepily walking to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. As he was making his way, he suddenly noticed the harsh change in the temperature and his hands started shaking a bit. He bumped into Sirius just as he was reaching for the door handle.
“You mind if I take a shower?”
“Go ahead, Reg,” Sirius said, smiling.
So, he did. Slowly, he undressed himself and stepped into the shower, turning on hot water. For a while he just stood there, letting the water absorb him. Letting it pour all over his skin and watched as the drops delicately made their way down. Then he reached for the bodywash that was on the shelf. It felt odd to him, using someone´s else bodywash, but at least he won't stink.
He spends there about good twenty minutes and when he came out of the shower, the mirror was completely fogged and steam was creeping through the room. With one hand he wiped a bit of the mirror to see himself. What a bad idea. He immediately regrated it. Dark circles were under his eyes and his whole face seemed dull, shallow and pitiful instead of the sharp angles he was used to see. It was also bit puffy and his eyes were red. With a shake of his head he started brushing his teeth.
He put back on the clothes he slept in and wandered out of the shower.
As soon as he was walking to his room a knock on the door interrupted his tracks. When no one went to answer it, he sighed and went himself.
He was not at ALL expecting James. His James. Well, not his James but... ugh. Standing there. Looking stunning and all smiley and happy. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
“Um, Hi?” James said after Regulus was quiet for too long. He turned his head to the side and frowned a bit. “I-” Suddenly Sirius came rushing in from outside, interrupting whatever James was going to say.
“Prongs! Hey,” he sent him a smile and clapped him on the back. “I was just taking out the trash, come inside.”
But James was still frozen in one place, same as Regulus. Then he pointed at Regulus and himself, quickly looking from Sirius to him with mouth hanging open.
“Ah,” Sirius grimaced, making a ts sound at the back of his throat.
“Is this who I think it is, Sirius?” James finally speaks. And oh, his voice. Regulus almost forgot how his voice sounded. Suddenly, he was reminded that he is still only in his boxers and oversized T-shirt and tried hard no to blush. He tried for his fucking life not to, but right now it felt like all the lights and cameras were centred on him and everyone was looking. In situations like these, there is only one option and that is to run.
And he did.
He quickly spined on his heel and started making his way to the guest room. When the door closed behind him he let out a breath. He let his head rest against the door and slide down on the floor. Oh, why was this happening to him.
After a while, he composed himself. He stood back on his legs and started dressing into his clothes. What he´d do for a pair of clean socks now. He told himself that it´s only for the rest of this day and then he´s going home. He can make that.
When he was fully clothed, he picked up his phone. It was already ten in the morning, which surprised him. He usually never sleeps for so long. Next, he checked the messages. Evan, Barty and Pandora were all wishing him a Merry Christmas. He smiled and replied to each one of them quickly.
He could hear laughter and music coming from the rest of the flat, and with him punching the air, he decided to fight his demons. Regulus carefully opened the door and peaked first, before coming out of the room. Everyone was in the living room. Nice.
He´ll just stumble into the kitchen and make himself some tea, maybe something to eat and he´s gone just like that.
Except he´s not.
When he enters, he immediately gets lured in by his brother. He throws one arm around his shoulder, which Regulus puts away just second after, and he drags him into the chaos that is their living room right now. James is currently balancing on a three-step ladder, trying to put a red garland in its place all around the tree, while wearing silly reindeer headband with jingle bells. Remus is making breakfast for everyone and is quietly humming to himself along the way, wearing Christmas sweater, which seems innocent at first, but then Regulus noticed the “hoe, hoe, hoe” print. Snuffles is occasionally barking, or singing, as Sirius calls it, when a particular song comes up and is running around, making Regulus worried that he´ll knock James over, but it doesn´t seem to bother James at all. And oh my god, even the dog is wearing Christmas sweater, Regulus thinks. This is ridiculous. Sirius has a Santa hat with a small bell on its end, making it jingle every time he turns. He is grinning ear to ear, clearly bathing in the atmosphere around him.
Regulus feels dizzy.
But then James seems to notice him, and that´s the moment he comes falling down the ladder. Sirius sprints to him as soon as he notices, but not soon enough to catch him and with an oof James hits the floor. Like nothing happened, he jumps right back on his feet, scratching the back of his head. But his vision probably blurs because he sits back down.
“Jesus fucking Christ Prongs, are you alright?” Sirius immediately rushes. James looks even more silly now. His glasses are crooked, his hear is a mess, one of the antlers is bended and there´s a lopsided smile on his face. On his lovely fucking face.
Instead of answering Sirius, he lets out a breathless “hi”, looking right at Regulus. Fighting everything that´s telling him to smile back, he just arches one eyebrow and walks over to help Remus cook.
“James, how many fingers am I holding up?” Regulus can hear Sirius asking, but he still feels James´ eyes on his back. He doesn´t turn.
“Dunno, five, four...? I don´t really care, why don´t you introduce me to your brother?” Oh, the fool.
“James, are you bleeding?!?” Sirius´ voice now is even more panicked and high-pitched, it causes Remus to turn and walk into the living room, leaving Regulus alone in the kitchen. The hairs on his neck stand, and slowly, very slowly, he turns too.
As he did so, he noticed the cut on James´ forearm. It was quite big honestly and was in fact bleeding rather a lot.
“Nah, it´s just a starch,” he said, not even looking at his arm, still keeping eye contact with Regulus. His breath came more and more shallow the longer they were staring at each other and soon he had to look away. So fucking bright...
“Mate, you´re literally making a blood puddle on the floor right now,” Sirius commented. He was crouched down next to James but he seemed like he didn´t know what to do. Then, Remus came in the picture. He carefully helped James stood up and seemingly snapped him back to reality again. As soon as James saw the blood, he let out shocked sound and fell right back down on the floor because he fainted.
“Oh my fucking god, what do we do now?!” Sirius started panicking again, throwing his arms up and walking in circles.
“Sirius, please, just help me put him on the sofa,” Remus said, taking the lead.
“Oh my god, oh my god.... What if he bleeds out Remus?!? What are we going to-” and like that there´s a thud and Sirius falls like an apple on the floor right next to James.
“Fucking Christ...” Remus huffs out, slapping his forehead. He looks up at Regulus then.
“Tell me you´re not going to fait if you see the blood,” he asked almost desperately but there was still a trace of humour in his voice.
“No, I don´t think so. Need a hand, eh?” Regulus said and Remus nodded.
First, they picked up James, laying him on the sofa. Remus carefully examined the wound on his hand and stopped the bleeding with some bandages and those stick-on stiches. Then, they took care of Sirius, slowly waking him up.
“You fine Pads?” Remus asks as he opens his eyes, still crouched over him. When Sirius comes to his senses again, he nods, for a second clearly forgetting what is happening. But when he saw James laying on the sofa with his hand propped up on multiple pillows he springs up and runs over to him. Regulus is standing near, handing him a cup of water when he wakes up.
“Oh no, Jamie. My Prongs. My lover, are you alright?” When he takes the glass from Regulus he hums. “Yeah, better.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I´m sure, Pads,” he says as he sits, groaning as he moves his neck. He then looks over to the tree and the broken pieces of the ornaments he crushed with his body. “Jesus... I´m sorry Pads, I got a bit distracted.” He says and looks over at Regulus.
“It´s okay, don´t worry,” Sirius reassures him. “Are you sure that you are feeling alright, thought?”
“Yes, Sirius, I´m okay,” James says, finally taking his eyes off Regulus.
“Do we have any other ornaments to put up? I´m sorry about these... I know how much you liked them Pads.”
In the background Remus starts to clean up the mess - after securing Snuffles in another room. He sweeps most of the broken pieces and then vacuums the rest, making sure nothing is stuck in the rug.
“Yeah, we have something. I think Remus bought one year a set that we never used for some reason. Just give me a sec, I´ll be right back,” Sirius called out over his shoulder, already on his way to find it.
Now it was just James and Regulus. The thick silence in the room was killing him.
“You know, I would believe you,” James says quietly. “Regulus.”
It makes him look right at James, who´s already looking back at him with those bright eyes and Regulus just wants to...melt into the fucking floor. And he knows exactly at what James is implying. He needs to take a sudden shaky breath in.
After a while he has enough courage to talk.
“So, you and my brother, hm.” Oh, and how hard it is just to look at James sitting on the sofa with hands on his lap and eyes wide open.
“You know, I think Teddy will really like it actually,” James says instead. “He really likes Lego... so yeah,” he grinned, looking smug.
Regulus doesn´t say anything. He just leans on the bar and suddenly it hit´s him right in the fucking eyes. Of course he didn´t notice thing like this. From the wall opposite him was James and Sirus grinning at him in the photo. How could he be so blind?
“Will you be here in the evening?” James asks, bringing him out of his current state. His tone was light, almost hoping like he´d say yes.
“Will you?” he says like the little shit he is.
James nods quickly. Then Regulus pretends to think about what he´s about to say next.
“Oh, then probably not,” he sent him a mischievous smirk and enjoys every second of his expression changing. Poor James didn´t even respond after that.
“I´m back!” Sirius called out walking in with a yet another big box in his hands. Regulus had no idea where they fucking store all of them.
“Thank god,” he heard James mummer under his nose. Regulus wanted to laugh.
James was getting up from the sofa just to get sat down again by Sirius.
“No, no. You rest now,” he said seriously, giving him a look. James huffed, shaking his head.
“Okay mom.” He and Sirius shared a laugh while Remus rolled his eyes as he came coming from the outside where he was taking out the rest of the broken ornaments.
In Regulus´ eyes they´re this weird functioning, but functioning, family, that no one could tear apart. He didn´t know well Remus or James but if just felt so right for them to stick together like this. To share this kind of fondness and love for each other. It seemed like it was in their nature to take care of the one who needed it the most. Piece by piece gluing them together if needed, carefully, taking time and precision with every little piece. Like an invisible string was tying them all together.
Regulus never experienced that kind of love.
Sure, he had Barty, Dora, Evan and Dorcas but it was different with them. They all shared some kind of unspoken rule, understanding, and made sure to look out for everyone because they all knew how it feels to be left alone. To be no one´s first choice, to be overlooked, silenced. They all share the knowledge of some past trauma which is bringing them close together, Regulus thinks. Yes, he loves them, unconditionally so, he´d be bold enough to say, but it just isn´t the same.
With them – Sirius, Remus and James – it feels like they´re there for each other in every universe, every world. Like they knew each other in their past lives and will know each other in the future ones too. Like they were simply made for each other, forged from the strongest steel, making them get past all the oceans and ravines that is life.
“Okay, I think it´ll be for the best if we take a break for a moment,” Remus announced. “Who´s up for breakfast?” This immediately got James up and strolling to the table with Sirius close behind. Remus shared a look with Regulus, like he was letting him know he´s also welcomed, and that made him without guilt sit down with them.
A pleasant smell was floating all around the flat. And when Remus placed the plate in front of Regulus, he realised how hungry he really was.
“It looks really good, love,” Sirius said first, giving Remus a kiss on the cheek. Next came James´ hum of approval and Regulus´ nod of acknowledgement. They started eating then, the music still faintly playing in the background.
“Teddy!” Sirius squeaked, opening his arms.
“Siri!” came in excited little voice and then giggling.
Regulus peaked from the corner. In the hallway, Sirius was holding up Teddy, giving him a plane ride or something, and Remus was chatting with Teddy´s mom.
“Who´s excited for Christmaaaas?!” Sirius said, imitating a game commentator voice.
“Bear!!” Teddy yelled back in response, still giggling and was kicking his legs in the air. Soon, Sirius came running though the hallway and into the kitchen, where Regulus was standing – or more like hiding - behind the corner, with Teddy now on his shoulders.
“Thanks for taking him,” Regulus overheard Teddy´s mom saying. He wasn´t eavesdropping, okay, he overheard.
“No problem, Dora,” Remus. “Sirius was actually rather excited about it you know.” There was the thing in his voice again. Love, Regulus thought.
“Oh, I´m sure he is. Soon, Teddy will forget who´s actually his mom, I think,” she said jokingly but based on the silence, Remus didn´t take it as a joke.
“You know how I mean it,” she continued.
“Dora...” he sighed.
“Yeah, yeah... Just- have fun, alright?” She sounded bit sad now too, the jokes and fun leaving her voice. After that he could hear the door close and Remus was coming back to join them.
“Um, I don´t know how you´re used to celebrating Christmas,” Remus started talking to Regulus. “But we kind of dress up for the dinner...” Oh.
“I know you don´t have anything really with you right now, so I thought I could lend you something.” Oh.
“It will be probably a bit too big on you but still better than Sirus´ clothes,” he tried his best to smile. Regulus could feel it wasn´t genuine, it didn´t quite reach his eyes as it did whenever Sirius is around, but at least he´s trying, Regulus guesses. He´d be probably the same if he was in Remus´ situation, or even worse to be honest. To have an intruder at Christmas while you just want to enjoy it with your family and having to act like it doesn´t bother you...
“We´ll eat at six and then open the presents, so you have some time to choose what you want.” Regulus just nodded and then Remus left to go play with Sirius and Teddy.
James left about an hour ago but he´ll be back just in time for the festive dinner.
He watched them for a bit. They´re sitting on the floor, Teddy playing with a big dinosaur toy and Sirius was pretending to be scared. Remus was fiddling with Sirius´ hair gently, keeping an eye out on them.
After a while Regulus went to his room.
He still couldn´t quiet shake the feeling of being unwanted from his shoulders. He thought that even if Sirius told him a million times he wants him here, he´d still be hesitating. After Sirius left, he was always hesitating about his brother´s actions. If they were genuine and sincere or if he was being fooled. Again.
He really wanted to think it´s not his fault – that Sirius left, but it was hard most of the times. Some part of him kept always telling him he was the reason he left. Even if it was irrational, that part never really shuts up and is playing on repeat in the back of his mind for the past seven years.
And he can´t really comprehend why Sirius wants him now. Why would he want him in his life now when he left him alone back then. These questions haunt his dreams often. More often that he´d like to admit, but he´s too scared to ask. He´d rather pretend that it doesn´t bother him at all than ask.
His phone rang.
Without looking at the contact he answered.
“You are at your brother´s right now, aren´t you.” It was Barty. He didn´t know what to say.
“Regulus.” Barty sighed into the speaker. After a beat of silence Regulus groaned, covering his face with the hand he wasn´t holding his phone with.
“Don´t laugh,” he let out, probably sounding muffled, but he simply didn´t care at the moment.
“You are absolutely crazy,” Barty said. “I might be crazy,” he continued, now leaving Regulus confused. “But... Yeah, I think it´s good Reg.”
“Do you think so?” he asked. Honestly, he was worried his friends are going to slaughter him the moment he gets back home from this, he needs to make sure at least one isn´t on his neck.
“Yes,” Barty answered strong-mindedly, without a doubt.
“I didn´t tell anyone.” Oh, and he loved Barty for that.
“Thanks,”
“But I think Dora might be onto something, you know how she is,“ Regulus could hear the grin in Barty´s voice. It made him smile. “Rose is just worried, honestly. But I don´t think he knows,” he continued. “And even if Dorcas knew she´s not saying anything.” Thank fuck for that.
“That´s good,” Regulus breathed out. “I- Merry Christmas Barty.”
“You already wished me merry Christmas this morning,” he reminded him.
“I-” Regulus stopped, frightened of what he´s about to say next. “I really care about you.”
“Aaaaaw, Reggie, are you saying you love me?” Barty appealed, teasing him.
“I changed my mind.” Regulus deadpanned.
“No, I´m just joking, you know I love you too,” Barty said after a second.
“I´ll hang up now.”
“You know you want to say it,” the bastard singed.
“No, I really don´t.”
“You doooo,”
“Go fuck yourself.” Regulus sputtered, but after a while admitted. “Ugh, love you.”
Barty did some weird noises and then happily got off the phone.
Regulus could still hear chatter from the other room as he went to Sirius and Remus´ bedroom for the clothes. It was a little after half past five, so he guessed it was for the best to start getting ready. The whole flat was again smelling deliciously from all the food Sirius and Remus made. A small part of him was actually a little excited if he were honest. He never really experienced Christmas like this before. It was always a torture for him when he was little. His mother and father sat them down behind the enormous table and served food that no kid would eat, what were they even thinking for fuck´s sake? Then, the next day they had a repeat but with forty other people sitting at the table with them. The whole Black family.
He opened the door. Now, when there still was some trace of daylight, the room looked different. Somehow bigger than it seemed yesterday. He didn´t want to snoop around, so he just got to the dresser and carefully looked through the suits. There wasn´t many, four only and Regulus felt guilty again. He didn´t even know why. Sometimes it felt like there wasn´t even a reason behind it. He was just so used to it by now that it almost scared him when he wasn´t feeling guilty.
He settled for the one and only black suit he found.
As he was closing the dresser, he noticed something on the Sirius´ side. Regulus made sure no was watching, eyes scanning though the room and stepped closer to inspect it.
When he saw the photo of him and his brother his breath hitched.
It was in a silver frame, which Regulus noticed because it was shiny, but he didn´t expect this at all. It wasn´t even really good, it was poor quality really, taken on Sirius´ phone, but it still was there.
He remembers the day his brother took this photo. They sneaked out and went on a trip.
Sirius was shoving him everything Regulus didn´t get to see while growing up. The photo was taken in front of a small record store. Sirius had a fag in his left hand while the other was around Regulus´shoulder. He was rolling his eyes but was smiling.
When they came home Wallburga grounded both of them for the following two months.
Regulus cried, he was only thirteen back then, and Sirius was reassuring him every night. He remembers being angry at him for taking him out because he couldn´t see his friends. Around that age, most of the bickering began. Sirius was constantly going on and on about how their mother is an awful person and Regulus can´t believe everything she says. And he was really stupid if he thought Regulus believed the lies, he just knew better than Sirius. He didn´t need to sabotage himself and make his life even harder than what it already was. He behaved and they left him be, unlike Sirius who was the exact polar opposite.
“Reg, are you coming?” Sirius shouted from the kitchen. He looked at the time – shit, it was already five fifty.
“Yeah, just give me a minute here!”
He rushed to his room, quickly buttoning the black shirt and combing his hands though his hair. He looked at himself in the full-length mirror when he was fully dressed and grimaced when his eyes landed on the socks. He groaned internally. Of course he´s all in black but his socks are baby pink with fucking blue dolphins. Thank you, Rosier.
He walked into the shared kitchen-living room space. The table was already set, with candles and wreath decorating it. They added some pillows on one of the chairs for Teddy and he had his own set of plates and glasses. The tree was finally in its full glory. He wondered when they did that. Mis-matched ornaments were hanging off its branches, but something tied it together and it was rather aesthetically pleasing to look at it. The top was finished with a big shining star.
They added even more lights all around the room - on the windows, above the TV, even in the all-glass cabinet for their special dishes.
“Hello, everyone!” James cherished, closing the door behind him and instantly made Regulus turn to look. He was still wearing his coat and scarf and a hat that was honestly doing no justice to his hair.
Sirius rushed to greet him like he didn´t see him only a few hours ago, crushing him in hug and kissing both of his wind-kissed cheeks. Regulus wondered if it would be too weird if he did so too. It was normal for them – for Sirius and Regulus – but almost no one does it around here.
They were chatting about something excitedly, occasionally barking out in laughter, all while James was putting away his coat and other stuff.
Regulus paid close attention to his hands when he carefully, one by one, removed his gloves from his fingers.
Ah.
Regulus felt himself swallow hard. Jesus fucking Christ this was ridiculous. Who allowed James to be so hot.
Their eyes met, once again, as he and Sirius walked in. Something flashed behind James´ expression and then he smirked. The absolute bastard. Regulus didn´t let any emotion show, keeping his face stone-like. Or at least until James wasn´t by his ear, whispering and making him feel the way his mouth pronounces every vowel. “So glad you´re here baby Black.” He could hear the grin in his voice, but as soon as he leaned in, he was back at Sirius´ side. He hidden this interaction behind what must have seemed like a friendly embrace. The bitch.
“Are you ready Reggie?” Sirius asked, already sitting at the table with everyone else. This man is going to be the death of him.
The dinner was going smoothly so far. No one yet choked on the fish bones, Teddy was surprisingly patient and behaving nicely and Snuffles was quietly laying on the sofa. The only thing causing trouble right now is seated right next to him.
Apparently, Regulus isn´t the only little shit in this flat right now as he thought so. Because James is seemingly occupied by trying to make Regulus´ life hell. Their knees are touching under the table for some god unknow reason. And he´s still talking to everyone like he´s not tracing those silly patterns on his outer thigh making him loose his shit.
“Are you even listening Regulus?” Sirius´ voice woke him up from this trance. “I asked if you wanted red or white wine.” He shook his head.
“Um, sorry-” Regulus sucked in a breath when he could feel the pinky on his thigh go slightly higher. “Red would be great.” He tried his best to smile, pointedly ignoring what is happening under the table where no one could see.
“But daddy,” Teddy pouted from his chair. Regulus was drinking and, in that moment, he almost sputtered the wine all over the table. “When are we going to open the presents!”
James was so not helping right now. He leaned in closer again when Sirius and Remus were preoccupied with Teddy and was looking at him the whole time he was asking. “Are you alright, Regulus?”
Finally, he could feel James´ hand move and he was handing him a napkin which he took thankfully.
“Yes, I´m fine.” James searched his face, like he was trying to figure something out but before he could do something else Teddy started begging loudly for them to finally open the gifts.
“Teddy, look at the clock,” Sirius pointed to the big one on the wall. “Can you read what time it is?”
He squinted his little eyes, seemingly trying his best, but then shaking his head sadly.
“That´s alright, don´t worry about it, we will learn how to read time soon,” Sirius reassured him. “But the point was, it´s only six fifty, so we need to give Santa a bit more time to find us.” As he was saying this, Remus was watching with a fond smile creeping up on his face and then he kissed him.
“Get a room you two,” Regulus muttered just for Sirius to send him a death glare. And suddenly, James´ whole palm was laying on his thigh, the warm spreading all over his body.
“Yeah, even in front of the kid?” James fake-rolled his eyes, shaking his head. Regulus could feel him squeezing his thigh now, almost making fun of him like that. It wasn´t too high, just above his knee, but it still did something to Regulus he wished it didn´t.
At that remark, Sirius turned just so he could reach the sofa and took one pillow from there. When James saw that, he instantly bolted up from his chair. Sirius pointed a warning finger at him, daring him to do something and he´d fire. Slowly but surely a smirk appeared on James´ face and he started mimicking Sirus and Remus making out. It took Sirius only about two seconds and the pillow was flying across the table.
“Teddy, don´t look,” Sirius said firmly, like he suddenly remembered he had some responsibilities now, and had to be a good influence on the kid. Remus just sighed, covering Teddy´s eyes.
Like that they started chasing each other. James quickly ran to hide behind Remus, so Sirius couldn´t hit him, taking some of his own ammunition. When he successfully nicked a pillow for him too, he began running again.
They were making laps around the kitchen table and bar, hitting each other across it until they disappeared in the hallway. Regulus could still hear them laughing like menaces and the sound of the pillow fight, but it was clear they´re not getting back soon.
“Ready to try catching Santa?” Remus asked Teddy -after he removed his hand-, lowering himself to his eye level. Teddy just jumped out of his chair, frantically nodding his head. On their way to the balcony Remus gathered a pack of sparklers that was laying on the radiator and nodded in Regulus´ direction to get him going too.
It was rather cold outside and it send shivers down Regulus´ neck. He could´ve at least bring his sweater. “What´s that for?” he asked, eying the sparklers Remus was handing to Teddy.
“For guiding Santa?” Teddy turned to look at him, his voice dripping in disbelief. “What else do you think they´re for?”
“Teddy, we´re not talking like this to our guests.” Remus said firmly, but not in a scary way. Regulus actually thought it was a bit funny – Teddy reminded him of Sirius so much right now.
“Oh, wow, I didn´t know that,” he squatted down to match Teddy´s height. “Can you show me how to do it?” he asked carefully. He didn´t know how to entertain kids, or anything about them really, so he was just hoping Teddy won´t start crying or screaming or something.
“Sure! I can´t believe you don´t know how to,” he chuckled. “Daddy, please.” He said importantly, holding his sparkler up for Remus to light it.
“You need to get one too! What are you waiting for?” Teddy asked when he saw Regulus´ empty hands. Remus handed him one without saying anything.
“And now we just have to get Santa´s attention!” Teddy exclaimed happily, already making circles and hearts and letters in the air.
“Oh, like this?” Regulus started imitating him and Teddy nodded his little head with a board smile on his face.
“You already started without us?!” Sirius´ voice spooked them all. They closed the balcony door behind them and each took one of the sparklers.
“Yes, we can´t wait for you forever!” Teddy laughed and showed a toothy grin, making Remus smile.
“Sorry, sorry. I hope you didn´t see him without us tho,” Sirius said, taking Teddy up into his arms, waggling his sparkler and giving it to him when Teddy´s died out.
It was quite a tight fit on the balcony with the five of them, but they made it work.
“No, we didn´t see Santa.” Teddy informed Sirius.
Slowly Regulus´ sparkler died too and he was about to go inside when James handed him his.
“Maybe next year he´ll have the courage to show up, hm?” Remus proposed.
“Yeah, I think next year is going to be the year.” Teddy said determinedly, and now the second sparkler died too. Suddenly they all could hear a bell ringing inside.
Teddy, with bright, big, eyes practically sprinted inside, leaving them standing on the balcony. Remus just rolled his eyes and followed him.
When Regulus got in, he was in awe. Because under the tree, there were boxes of all sizes and kinds. Honestly, he might be even more surprised than the child, he thought.
So, this is how Christmas is supposed to look like?
He was really missing out.
“Wow! There are so many!” Teddy happily squeaked, hopping around the tree, practically buzzing. “Can I? Can I? Can IIIIII?” he pleased Remus, now holding onto his leg.
“Of course,” Remus smiled. ”Just go for it.” And he didn´t need to tell Teddy twice because he was already piling up his presents.
Regulus spotted the ones he got him there too, he didn´t know how they got here.
“Look at these! They´re so big!” Teddy gasped pointing at them, making Regulus smile. Jesus, he might leave with two new soft spots in his heart after today.
He could hear James chuckle behind him. Regulus was sitting on the sofa and he was propped against the back, watching him instead of Teddy. Regulus wanted to smack his face.
“Oh, look at this Siri, you were probably really good this year,” Teddy said and bring Sirius his own pile of presents. There were around seven or eight.
“Maybe the Santa just made a mistake.” Remus commented from the armchair but smiled when Sirius looked at him.
“And these are for you daddy,” Teddy brough Remus his presents. “Don´t worry, Santa didn´t forget about you.”
There were only few presents left under the tree now but there was still hope in Teddy´s eyes he´d find more gifts for his pile.
“Look, he left here some for uncle James too!”
“Oh, wow. For me?” James gasped dramatically from behind him, collecting the presents Teddy was handing him.
And with that, there was nothing left. They all started unwrapping their presents, various emotions going through the room.
Remus opened like fourth book now, Sirius got a silver necklace, James was examining a set for mixing drinks and Teddy was already playing with the first few gifts he got, distracted enough to forget about the rest.
Regulus quite enjoyed watching them until there was a knock on the door.
It got Teddy´s attention in a span of a second and he was running to get it with Remus right at his back, admonishing him to never open the door alone.
When Remus opened, more voices filled the flat.
“Mary, Lily, Marlene. How good to see y´all!” Remus let them in.
“Oh, don´t forget me!” another voice called out, seemingly still catching their breath.
“Pete, we were worried you´ll might not make it...”
Regulus was not enjoying it anymore.
He was watching everyone chatting happily, some still opening their gifts, some huddled on the sofa they extended and watched TV, some drinking together in the kitchen while discussing something.
It was too loud now.
Suddenly he felt a bit sad, or more stupid really, because this whole evening he spend watching people receiving and opening gifts, while he was just... There. There, without acknowledgement and alone. Everyone seemed to have someone to chat to, some friend. But he was just not belonging.
He wondered if someone would even notice if he just slipped away. He didn´t know most of the people and he didn´t even slightly care about them. They just made everything worse.
“So Lils, did you finish that painting?” James asked the redhead. She was propped up against the column in the kitchen, mindlessly twirling her hair while holding a glass of wine in the other hand. She was wearing a sparkly, light-blue dress that was sitting just above her knees which James couldn´t seem to take his eyes off. He despised that person.
“Yeah, actually. I didn´t think I´d be able to make it on time, so I´m glad.” She smiled at him and he was practically beaming back at her. “You should totally check it out sometime...-”
He had enough.
Without a word he stood up and left everyone behind. For a second, a very naive second, he thought someone was going to stand up and ask him why is he leaving, but no one did.
He quietly padded to the guest room and closed the door behind him, muffling out all of the background noise. He changed into his “pyjamas”, folding Remus´ suit over the chair.
With a sigh he laid down on the bed and searched for the nearest flight back home on his phone.
It had to be well after midnight when someone started jiggling the doorknob in an attempt to get in which woke Regulus up. He looked up from the bed, his vison adjusting to the complete darkness to see James stumbling in, making out with someone not noticing Regulus laying in the bed.
They were both clearly drunk, chuckling and giggling every three seconds, going for each other´s throats like teenagers and leaving marks. Regulus groaned, standing up, gathering his things.
“Don´t let me distract you.” He mumbled on his way out of the room, shutting the door behind himself.
The rest of the flat was already silent. He assumed everyone was passed out from all of the food and wine. Regulus tried his best not to wake anyone up.
He dressed quickly, laying out the t-shirt Sirius lend him on the cupboard in hallway. Suddenly, Snuffles wandered in. “Oh, not you now.” Regulus whispered, ignoring the dog´s whines. He put on his coat and scarf before leaving his brother´s home.
Regulus called himself a taxi. He still had around twelve hours until his flight, so he might as well get some sleep, considering he´ll probably have to go to work when he comes back home.
He thanked the taxi driver when he stopped in front of the hotel Regulus was staying at, and shivered a bit when the cold air twirled around him.
It hits him abruptly what he´d done.
He shouldn´t have visited Sirius...
Now he´ll want to keep in touch with Regulus. Why didn´t he think about the aftereffects of this actions fucking sooner. He can´t deal with Sirius. He just doesn´t know how.
He can´t deal with himself, he thinks.
He´s a crumbling ruin that will one day swallow itself.