Part one
Regulus hates to admit it but he misses his brother.
His annoying, prick, brother Sirus.
It was a long time since they´ve seen each other, around seven years. When he was younger, he couldn´t even imagine not seeing Sirius every day and, well... Now they´re here.
The thing is that it would probably be better if Sirius just wouldn´t keep sending the fucking postcards.
It would be better if he didn´t get almost monthly reminders about Sirius´ life and what he was up to. It would be better if he didn´t get to see his fucking face. It would be better if he didn´t know about his stupid boyfriend. It would be better if he didn´t know about the kid.
Another thing is that he never replies. Never in all those seven years he sent one back.
How Sirius knows he´s even alive or where he lives is a miracle to him. He reads them. He read all of them but never replied. But now... Something is different now. He can´t quite point out what it is exactly that´s bugging him, pulling and twisting his insides, but something is different.
Because now, after all this time, his hands itches for the pen on the table and he has to stop himself from doing something stupid.
He´s not like his brother. He doesn´t do things without thinking about them first. He´s not so careless and mindless, so now isn´t time for changing that.
When he first saw the photo on the front side of the postcard, he had to double-take. He had to sit down and stomach it. Because, there, on the photo was his brother with his boyfriend -nothing new-and a fucking child. THAT was certainly new.
He spend quite a long time staring at the picture, taking in all the details. The child didn´t look like Sirius, but it had some of Remus´ features.
It looked like he was at least four or five which was odd because Sirius clearly never mentioned anything before and he couldn´t be adopted because...well, now that he is searching his face, he looks a fucking lot like Remus, which is scary.
So how the hell did this happen. He cursed himself after he realised how much time he spent just thinking about this and scheming and... Sirius wasn´t helping much with giving him answers because when he flipped the postcard, the back was almost empty, the only thing there being "The Lupin-Black family is wishing you a Merry Christmas!" and their signatures scribbled there. Sirius B. Remus L. Teddy L.
That day, when he left for work, he was still thinking about it. He spent thinking about it the whole day in work and then the night.
When he woke up the following morning, he wanted to turn his brain off and stop thinking about it but he could not for the love of God find some rest. HOW could Sirius manage a child -a breathing, thinking, human being child- that was bugging him probably the most.
He was the most irresponsible person he knew and he didn´t until recently even know that Sirius liked children. Even the idea of him and a child was amusing. Sirius still WAS a child. A gown out child in an adult body he swears to God. So how... Lupin got to do all of the work probably.
For fuck's sake, Sirius couldn´t even keep his pet fish alive for more than four days. He remembers that very well.
Sirius was so excited about it that he poured too much food into the tank and the poor fish just...died. After that incident there were no animals allowed in the house.
And, yes, that was more than fifteen years ago, but Regulus deep down knows that Sirius will never change.
So that is exactly why he leaves on a random Tuesday, leaving his flat, work, friends and well-life- behind and catching the first flight to New York.
He is cursing under his breath all the way there.
"No, Dora, I am very much fine, there is nothing to worry about," he sighs into his phone. He can imagine Pandora´s face as she says:" that´s what you would say if you were literally going to kill yourself, darling," and after a beat of silence, "you know that you can talk to me."
And, alright, she might have a point-which it paints him to admit- he left from work, didn´t leave any note saying where he was off to, didn´t leave any messages or anything really and just left. From the camera installed in his flat, he could tell that there was probably Evan banging on his door without anyone answering.
He was already on the plane.
"It´s nothing, I swear, I´ll be back in a few days," he doesn´t want Pandora to worry about him, but there is also no way he is going to tell her what is going on right now.
With that he hanged up and just like in time the pilot was announcing that they´re landing in about ten minutes from now.
Everything is fine.
He is not like his brother.
He thinks about things before doing them.
That´s why he doesn´t even have booked a hotel and packed only pair or trousers and one spare shirt.
He thinks about stuff.
Everything is going to be fine. But it isn´t.
When he thanks the taxi driver and pays for the ride he wants to cry. His vision actually blurs for a second and his hands start shaking.
How can he be so fucking stupid. He keeps telling himself his whole life that he isn´t like Sirius, yet here he is. In a middle of a city all alone and without a roof and a bed. How nice.
He spends the next thirty minutes just sitting on the closest bench there was from the place he got out of the car and he desperately tries to find a hotel. It´s fucking cold. It is really cold and he first notices when his fingers turn white and his phone doesn´t react to the touch. That´s... nice. Yes, that is really nice.
Honestly, he hates Sirius so much. He can´t tell when was the last time he hated him so much.
He can´t fucking tell what is he doing here. On twenty-third of December, in New York, more than two hundred kilometres away from home. He hates him.
He maybe even hates himself. A lot.
He promised himself not to get involved. To not care anymore. He didn´t want to get hurt again. But when Sirius made it hard for him to just ignore him, pretend like he doesn´t exist, like he never even got a brother in a first place, he was hurting once again. Almost every damn month. Almost every month a reminder, a nasty reminder of who he is and what his family is like and that he might be like them more than he thinks.
He hates that.
He fished for the postcard again, looking at it. Sirius looked happy. Truly happy.
That Regulus could never make happen. Even if he tried his best, it was never enough for Sirius. And he gets it. Why he left him alone with their parents. He really gets it. But it fucking hurt. It took him some time to figure out why he left.
When he was younger, he just couldn´t get to his head why Sirius wouldn´t just settle with what he had. If he didn´t need to always fucking show off, they could´ve been brothers. But now... Regulus can see it in his eyes. He is free, he isn´t tied up anymore and he is finally living the life he wanted.
He has a boyfriend whom he loves the most, he assumes. Honestly, they´re disgusting together. He is totally not jealous of their relationship. The way Sirius looks at Remus in the photos is just... something different Regulus never seen before in his brother´s eyes. It´s some kind of fondness and love that has no barriers. He knows Sirius, he would probably jump into a burning house for someone he loves, truly loves.
And now the child, Teddy, he learns. There´s just so much love captured in the photo it makes his teeth hurt. Sirius holding the little hand, the other one casually thrown around Remus´ shoulders. Teddy is smiling at the camera, showing two missing teeth and dimples on both side of his smile.
When did Sirius built himself a family?
It hurt, because after everything he still wanted to be part of it.
And he knew Sirius would accept him. He said it in almost every postcard he sent him. Always, when it was addressed only for him -at the end of the text, always,: I know you´re receiving these, feel free to come visit us whenever you forgive me," It was sad to think about, but most of the time it turned into anger.
It was consuming him for a long, long time now - but he is ready now.
He put away the post card and stood up. His fingers were tingling and one after one he couldn´t feel anything.
He was aware that his nose and cheeks were red too and the thin coat he was wearing was not near enough. But he couldn´t just show up at Sirius´ and be all like "oh hey, long time no see but anyway how are you," he had to think this through...
He was wandering around the town aimlessly but when he stumbled across the toy store he knew. The least he can do is bring the kid a gift, after all it´s Christmas tomorrow and it will be great excuse.
Yes, it will still be awkward and uncomfortable, but he can at least hide behind the robe of holiday.
As he is thinking he doesn´t actually think at all about where or how he is going, which leads him to suddenly stumbling into someone. "Pardon me," he says quietly and minds his own business only to get stopped by the other man.
“Do you need any help?” He asked, his smile so bright Regulus wanted to look away but at the same time he couldn´t stop looking.
“Are you buying a last minute present?” He went on more. Regulus calmly looked him up and down –which was probably a mistake. Abig ass fucking mistake- learning that this man-James- is rather attractive.
Rather a lot. Really, really- “Er, sir...?” he wiggled his brows, making his glasses slightly ride up and waking Regulus up from this...whatever this is.
“Oh, no, I don´t need-” he stopped himself there. Whenever he was in a shop, or any public place, really, he hated when they asked him this.
Of course, he doesn´t need help. He can´t get why they just won´t leave him alone. It´s always: “Oh sir, do you need help finding the right toilet paper?” “Do you need help picking out the right size of the condoms?” Jesus fuck just let him breathe. Literally are you thick? Why would you even ask something like this.
But now... He looks at the man and sighs. “Yeah, actually I think I need...” oh for Christ´s sake he cannot even say it out loud.
“Help?” The man offered and Regulus just quickly nodded.
“So, who´s the gift for?” He asked kindly. Regulus wanted to throw up.
Also, that´s another thing. He has no idea who´s it for.
Well, he knows it´s for Teddy but he doesn´t actually know Teddy, so that might be a bit of a problem.
“Ah, I see,” the man said after Regulus remained quiet for longer than what he thought he did.
“Don´t ah, I see me,” Regulus cast him glare. “I know what I´m doing, alright?” He probably shouldn´t be so rude. “It´s for my brother´s kid,” the sentence sounded more like a question, Regulus´ voice suddenly smaller than before.
It was weird to say it like that. He wasn´t even one hundred percent sure it´s his.
“Okay, and do we know how old are they?” The man asked and started walking Regulus through the aisles full of toys of all kinds.
Legos and rocket ships and dolls and cars and those terrible music instruments he was always secretly jealous of.
“Um, around five I´d say,” Regulus replied quickly, wondering why the other man was talking like that. Do we know? Why are you asking like that? Do they pay you for this? For being so fucking kind that you can´t even believe it´s real and want to be disgusted by it but can´t really find it in you to do so?
“What a nice age, huh? When they don´t talk back yet and they kind of stopped having those tantrums...” the man laughed under his nose, it was barely to hear, but Regulus thought it was really nice sound for some reason. He wanted to hear it again.
“Okay and if you could tell me if it´s a boy or a girl that would be perfect,” he smiled a bit, maybe someone might say it was a sad smile.
“You know, I really don´t like the gender norms and all that crap but... I have to ask,” with one hand he fished his hair at the nape of his neck. Oh, his hair. Regulus noticed. It was kind of everywhere.
It was just between the boundary of sleeping in a bush and those nice natural, loose curls. He wondered if it was soft.
“Well, it´s a boy...but to be honest I don´t know what he likes,” Regulus said. It felt okay to say it to James. It felt like he won´t judge him or anything. Weird.
“Okay, don´t worry about that, we can find something amazing he will like,” the man said, offering him another smile and this time Regulus had to look away.
Too damn bright, he thought.
Instead, he just gave him a small:”mhm,” to let him know he is with him, but in his head, he was lost.
And after a while it occurred to him again. “We can,” does he really talk like this all the time? It has to be confusing sometimes.
“Oh, well, it depends,” he said and Regulus had to stop in his tracks.
Did he genuinely just said out loud what he was thinking? Oh, let the earth swallow him whole...
“Anyway, if I were you I´d honestly just recommend getting some Legos, because honestly, I can´t think of anything really right now,” the man let out small laugh again.
“I thought we would think of something but...phew, this one´s hard even for me,” he looked at Regulus apologetically, swaying his hands back and forth like he didn´t know anything better what to do with them.
“You know, I don´t work here very long, but I thought I´d enjoy this job because, well, I love children and was always good with them, but when I started working here, I realised that I actually don´t really know what toys they like? I don´t know if it makes any sense but...” the hand in the hair again. His hand was in his hair again.
“Yeah, I think I get what you mean,” Regulus nodded, little breathlessly. He thinks he´d agree with this man on anything if he had to.
“But Legos can never ruin anything, right?” The man offered. “We have all kinds of it, come with me,” Oh, no need to tell Regulus twice.
“So, for how long are you working here, James?” Regulus tried. He was feeling a bit risky today, bold. And, well, no wonders. He fucking flew to see his brother he hasn´t talked to for around seven years in a spin of few days.
Now was James´ turn to stop – not so mediately and shocked as him just moments before, more casual.
He looked over his shoulder to search Regulus´ face, slightly surprised as it seemed but also satisfied.
“Oh,” Regulus could see his grin as he turned his head back. “Just over a year, I started last Christmas,”
James answered. “Isn´t it all magical during Christmas time...?” Now he full on spined to look at Regulus, seemingly excited for his reaction. His hands were propped on the regal and that´s when Regulus realised, they were at the Lego section.
“I guess...” he said quietly. He didn´t really like Christmas. Or any other holidays. But he had to agree that something had to be in the air during this time of the year. He wouldn´t be in fucking New York otherwise.
“You guess?!” James shook his head, not believing him. “Just look around! Everything is so pretty like this. The decorations everywhere! Christmas music playing from every corner, mulled vine, everyone being nice? What could you possibly hate about all of this?” He jerks his head to the side like a puppy, Regulus can´t help but think it´s kind of cute. Oh, fucking Christ, save him.
“Dunno, call me the Grinch then, I guess...” Regulus says it only to fill the silence, not expecting anything from this, but James´ respond. Oh, he wants to hear this again and again.
The laugh escaping his mouth sets Regulus into spiralling. He really wants to think this is nothing, but it´s.... different.
He never believed in love at first sight, God, he never believed in love as it is, so it´s hard telling what is happening right now.
He shouldn´t be thinking about this, it´s embarrassing, honestly.
“Oh, come on, there has to be something you like about it? At least one thing?” James wiggled his brows.
“Well, I could say that I like your ugly Christmas sweater,” Regulus replied. Yes, he was very bold today.
“Legit, I´d say,” James grinned looking at his sweater and then back at Regulus. “Okay, got a little carried away,” he huffed and twisted the hair that was sticking out at the back of his head.
“I hope I´m not holding you back.” Regulus shook his head. He was more than willing to spend his whole afternoon with James. He´ll never see him again, so why not get the most out of this. After he walks out of this store, he can forget about this ever happening and carry on.
“Okay, so like I said, we have all kinds of Legos,” he started pointing at them. “We have ones for the small and big,” he smiled bit foolishly.
“But since you said the boy was around five, I think these would be the best,” James walked over to a regal full of lego cars and farm...things? Regulus has no idea how to even identify it as.
“I wouldn´t recommend the smaller ones like those right there,” he pointed to another regal, Regulus´s eyes following his finger. “I think he won´t be able to play with them so much since they´re bit harder to build...you know, lots of bits and parts.”
Regulus let out a “mm” taking in all of the options. There were garbage trucks, bulldozers, bagers, firefighter trucks and then the farm things.
Whole ass farms with animals and even tractors, or just single paddock with sheep or cows. There were coops and barns.... How was he even supposed to choose from this?
He could feel a small amount of heat on his back and suddenly he was very aware of James once again. He stood a bit closer to him, looking at the assortment with him, like he was reading his mind. “What´s our budget, if you don´t mind me asking?” James said, and Regulus realised that he was even closer than what he originally thought.
“Oh, the money isn´t a problem,” he answered. It was true. Money never really was a problem for him, since he inherited most of his parents' wealth after they passed away.
It would belong to Sirius if he didn´t run away. But even before that, Regulus always had quite more than what his friends seemed to have.
He never felt privileged or better than them because of that, but some might think otherwise. For a brief second, he worried that James might think some things about him, but his thoughts were quickly cut off by James himself.
“Alright, so maybe we could do a mix then? That would be the easiest solution and honestly, it will probably make the kid very happy.” Regulus could feel, or well, couldn´t, feel James´ presence anymore, he had walked back away, making more room between them. From the corner of his eye he could see another employee walking past. Regulus also stood back, facing James.
“That´d be fine with me. Honestly, I have no idea how kids work so...” so I´m really putting my trust in you right now. He wanted to say but it seemed like he didn´t need to. James gave him a quick understanding nod before having to elaborate.
“So, maybe we can grab this farming set?” James took the box out, like he wanted to show it to Regulus himself. “What are we thinking?” I think I want to grab your glasses so I can see how you look without them.
“Um,” Regulus tears his eyes from James, actually looking and examining the box. “Yeah, it looks fine,” he says.
The box was fucking huge, he has no idea how is he going to carry it all around New York.
“And maybe we can add this garbage truck to it?” James pointed to the green-grey truck sitting on the regal right at the bottom.
“Nope, I don´t like that,” Regulus said almost immediately. How´d anyone like to play with that?
“I don´t want them to think I want him to be a garbage man,” he says. “The parents I mean...”
“Yeah, I see what you mean, don´t worry,” James cast him a small smile, just the gentle curve of his lips. The fucking sun, Regulus swears to God.
“Maybe the fire...car thing? What do you think?” As soon as Regulus said it James reached out for the box, stacking it onto the previous one.
“That´s what I´d choose, honestly,” James tells him and now it´s Regulus turn in returning the smile, or more like a grin. It´s small, barely visible, but it´s there and he´s not fighting it.
Of fucking course James would choose firefighters.
“Is that everything?” he asks Regulus, slowly making a leave for the checkout when he nods.
He follows James through the aisles, carefully, making sure to not bump into anything or anyone. They´re nearly at the checkout when Regulus stops. He looks at the snow globes in front of him and can´t help but think about Sirius and him when they were little.
Their special snow globe Sirus once picked out and gave to Regulus on Christmas Day.
They weren´t allowed to own any toys, so for a long time it was the only toy Regulus ever even seen. That was before he was friends with Evan and Barty. It was magical for him.
The snow covering the big star that was in the middle. It even shined a bit in the dark when you put direct light on it.
When Walburga found it, she broke it into pieces.
And now, they have the exact same snow globe right in front of him. He wants to cry.
James finally noticed Regulus stopped following him and walked back to him. “Oh, these are really pretty, aren´t they? What a shame people don´t buy them so much anymore,” James says.
“You know, it reminds me of my friend,” he chuckles, shaking his head.
“It reminds me of someone too,” Regulus breaths out, and reached for the globe.
It felt precious in his hands. Feeling the cold glass once again, seeing the snow falling when he shook it. He really will cry soon if something doesn´t happen. Fast.
“Ehm, so is this all you´ll be getting?” James asked tentatively. “Yeah,” Regulus says, closing his eyes and taking a quick breath in and out.
Everything is alright.
Suddenly Regulus starts thinking if Sirius even remembers this. He hopes he does.
“Yeah, okay, let´s... let´s pay for all of this.” They start walking back to the check out, Regulus making sure to not get distracted by anything again.
Except for James.
His hair is really sticking out in the back. And now that Regulus sees it, he wants to reach out and smooth it out.
James really must be playing with his hair a lot. He wonders if it´s because he´s anxious or maybe fidgety, or simply because he doesn´t know where else to put his hands.
He also can´t help but notice the way he walks. The little bounce he does with every step he takes. It´s kind of funny, Regulus thinks.
When they get to the counter, no other customers are there, which is Regulus glad for.
“You probably want a bag for this, don´t you?” James asked, doing a little grimace that makes Regulus smile a bit. For fucks´ sake, what´s wrong with you?
“Yeah, that would be nice.”
James started looking for the biggest bag he could find only to stop himself halfway. “Jesus, I´d completely forget again, do you want to wrap them?” he asked, standing up again to look at Regulus.
“It´s for free,” he smiled, but it was a weird kind of smile. Regulus arched one eyebrow – he really had the feeling that it´s pretty much not for free at all, but whatever you say James.
“Sure, if it doesn´t take much of your time, you probably have something else to worry about,” Regulus said, putting his hands into the pockets of his coat to stop himself from reaching out and literally taking those glasses off of James.
This seemed to make James remember something and then start helplessly blushing like he was ashamed. “No, no, I have time,” he said quickly, hiding his face behind the wrapping paper.
He cleared his throat after a few seconds. “I should warn you before, it might not be the best,” James scratched the nape of his neck.
“My co-worker who usually does this isn´t here right now.”
“That´s alright,“ Regulus hears himself say. “It doesn´t really matter if the paper will be torn in a few anyway, does it?” If it was up to him, he´d probably want to do it perfectly. Folding the edges nicely and making sure you can´t really see the tape. But, anyway.
He has a lying problem like Barty likes to call it.
It doesn´t take long, but Regulus can see James is really trying. And the best thing about this is that while he is concentrating on the wrapping, Regulus can calmly examine his fingers and hands.
They´re nice and steady with strong grip. No rings, no tattoos or visible scaring. Not that he cares about that sort of stuff. He wonders how they´d feel around his w-
“Okay, I´m all done now,” James´ voice brings him out of his thoughts.
He actually didn´t make a bad job at all. The boxes were looking pretty neat and he even added ribbons.
“Thanks,” Regulus said, fishing out his wallet.
“Alrighty, now the bag...” Regulus let himself look at James as he bended for the bag from under the counter, he couldn´t see much but what he could see was very nice indeed.
His ugly sweater rode up a bit so he could see his pretty back and those two dimples right above the waistband of his jeans. Fuck. Fuck me, Regulus thought.
“Okay, so it´s all secured and now, uh, can I have you ID?” he asked. Regulus frowned at that. Why on earth would he want his ID. He was in a fucking toy store.
“Why would you even...?” he started.
“Need to check how old are you,” he said very seriously. Regulus wanted to laugh.
“We have this, ah, discount for people over...twenty-one,” James said, his voice going up along with his eyebrows.
“You see, I´d believe you if you just told me your age, but my boss wants me to actually look at the IDs... you know how people are these days.” Now Regulus really laughed.
“Try being smoother next time,” Regulus tells him and after a while adds: “James,”
He is collecting the bags – James had to put the boxes in separate ones because they just wouldn´t fit – and making his leave when he hears James call out: “can I have at least you name?”
Regulus stops at the door. “You wouldn´t believe me.”
He sent James a pleased grin and left.
He didn´t realise how much time he spent in the store because when he was walking to his hotel the sun was already down casting a blue shadow over the town.
He took some time to stop and just appreciate the sky. The moon was slowly getting higher and higher, reflecting the light like a stolen jewel on the horizon.
He smiled weakly thinking of all the times with Sirius they just stared at the stars. Suddenly his phone buzzed and when he looked at the screen, he was not at all surprised to see incoming call from Barty. With a sigh he picked up.
“Yes,” he said tiredly into the microphone, continuing in his tracks.
“You just say yes like that after literally going missing and not telling anyone a single fucking word?!” Barty immediately stars fretting.
“Rose was banging on your door for at least half an hour and would most probably continue to do so even longer if the neighbours didn´t tell him to fuck off,” he paused for a second. “What the fuck Reg?” Regulus could hear the disappointment and worry in his voice.
“I-” he hesitated for a while before continuing. “Listen, Barty, I think I´m doing the right thing for the first time in my entire fucking life,” his voice was shaking. He could tell that his voice was shaking and it was creaking in places.
“So just... Just believe me. I´ll be back in a few days, alright?” Regulus said it half to reassure Barty and half to reassure himself. Maybe if it will go really badly, he´ll be home the next day.
“And tell Evan to stop coming to my fucking flat and destroy the poor door, I can see him,” this drew out a chuckle from his friend and the mood of their conversation loosen up a bit.
“Okay... But I swear if I don´t see you in max one week I´ll call a search party on you,” Barty said breathlessly and Regulus grinned even when Barty couldn´t see him.
“Promise,” he said. It was kind of their thing since they were little.
“Promise.” Barty repeated and then Regulus hang up. He had older brother to annoy.
When he checked in the hotel it was already eight o´ clock.
When he got to his room the overthinking began.
All of the what if´s clouding his brain and making him double, triple, think everything.
What if Sirius thinks he´s a bad person? What if he actually wasn´t ready to see him? What if Sirius was angry with him for not answering or reaching out. What if. What if...
Enough.
Deep down he knew none of this was true. Why would he send all of the postcards then? Why would he ask him in the first place to come and see him if he didn´t want to? He still was his brother and even if they bickered and fought all of the time when they were young, they were still brothers. And deep, deep down in his heart he knew Sirius really cared.
Maybe he wasn´t his first choice and maybe they hurt each other rather a lot but he was still Sirius and at the end of the day Regulus was still Regulus.
Yes, it hurt. It hurt to think about it, but there were a lot of things that could happen and be even worse.
But they didn´t.
Maybe it was good that Sirius left, because it didn´t leave them space to fight anymore. It left them both with their own thoughts and their own memories of the other.
Maybe some were glorified, maybe some were made nastier, but like this, separate, they could form their own conclusions.
So, Regulus got his ass up and went.
It was even colder now. Maybe somewhere about negative five degrees. He wrapped the scarf more tightly around his neck and pulled down his hat to cover his ears.
He called himself a taxi, the ride wouldn´t be too long.
When the car pulled up, he secured the present(s) in the boot and got in. He focused on his breathing, remembering Pandora and all the times she helped him calm down.
If he was looking any different than he´d normally look the taxi driver didn´t say anything and just started driving.
The radio was faintly playing Christmas songs the whole time and suddenly Regulus was reminded of James.
Jesus he didn´t even know his last name – or anything about him really – but yet, here he was, thinking about him. He cursed himself.
And really, as soon as he got into the car, he was getting out.
The building was standing in front of him, tall and scary.
There shouldn't be anything scary about it.
It wasn´t scary. He told himself.
With one final deep breath he walked in.
He knew Sirius´ address by heart now, seeing it so many times all throughout the years.
Their flat was on the fifth floor. He took the stairs. Now he was just giving himself more time.
For preparation he told himself.
It was rather difficult walking up the five storeys with two really big boxes. He hoped Sirius is at least home.
He stopped himself there – what would he do if he wasn´t at home? Probably leave the boxes there and never, ever, come back.
There was no backing out of this. It´s either now or never.
The final few steps. He could hear people from the different flats – some laughing, some crying or arguing, or just watching TV. On the last step he almost tripped over and fell because he couldn´t really see because of the boxes. His palms were sweaty, making the wrapping paper bit wet and he was trying really hard not to throw up right now.
He was there.
He was at Sirius´ home.
Where Sirius lived.
Where Sirius slept, ate, worked, loved.
What a terrible, stupid, brainwashed idiot he is.
Regulus was staring at the door – they didn´t own a doorbell, or if they did Regulus couldn´t find it – his hand was hesitating. Hiswhole body and mind were hesitating.
Suddenly he heard Sirius´ voice. “Moons, do you know where the lights are?” Regulus´ throat went dry the second he heard it.
He started breathing heavily again. Okay, ten more seconds. Ten more seconds and I´m ready.
It can´t really go wrong, can it? And if it will, it won´t be any different than all those years without Sirius.
Five more seconds.
His hand was hovering over the door, ready to knock.
Yes, now or never.
Regulus knocked.
Immediately as he did so he wanted to run. He wanted to run back all those stairs and hide.
But it was too late for that now. He could hear the incoming footsteps. And he´d know who´s they are even in his sleep.
The door opened and suddenly Regulus was staring right into Sirius´ eyes. They were silent for around three seconds, then Sirius´ mouth dropped open. “Who´s there, Pads?” came out Remus´ voice but Sirius didn´t answer.
Instead, he shut the door closed with a loud bang and then opened it again like he was trying to work out if this is really happening or if it´s just a figment of his imagination.
He started opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish in an attempt of speaking. Then his eyebrows furrowed and he found his voice. Oh, this was bad.
“What the fuck are you doing here?!” He was so loud. Regulus can´t remember when, or if, there was a time he was yelling at someone so loudly.
“What are you- What the fuc- FUCKING HELL!” Sirius was searching his face, eyes rapidly going up and down. Then he stopped when he saw the presents.
Remus came out of the flat as soon as he heard Sirius yelling, but stopped when he saw who was Sirius yelling at. He left back inside rather soon.
Suddenly Sirius´ eyes started to wet and he came crushing Regulus in a hug.
Oh? Regulus didn´t know what was happening. He had no idea what all of this meant.
“You fucking cunt!” Sirius wasn´t screaming anymore, his voice was thick and coated with tears.
“What took you so fucking long?!” it was muffled because his head was buried deep down in Regulus´ shoulder.
When Regulus gathered what was happening, he managed to return the hug.
“You absolute idiot! You fucking wanker!” Sirius let out a choked laugh and he stood back, making some space between them. Like he remembered that Regulus hated physical touch.
Now that he can breathe again, normally, Regulus noticed the lights. Sirus is wrapped head to toe – only on his torso and arms – in fucking Christmas string lights. And of course he is. Regulus wants to laugh at how absurd this it.
Sirius is taking him in, still, and he rubs his eyes. He is shaking his head and lets out big sigh when he talks again. “What were you even thinking, just showing up out of the fucking blue?! Did you want me to have a heart attack so you´d get rid of me?!” he said more jokingly now.
“Sirius...” he wanted to cry, laugh, throw up all at once. He didn´t know what to do with himself.
“I brought these for Teddy,” Regulus said, more like a question. Sirius frowned.
“Did you seriously thought I showed up because of you?” he rolled his eyes but stopped when Sirius sent him a nasty glare.
“Stil the fucking same, I swear to God, Reg...” he shook his head. “Are you coming inside then?” Sirius asked, biting his lower lip. He stood by the door, making there space for Regulus to come in. “Don´t fucking play games with me now, Regulus, and tell me you´re here because of Christmas,” Sirius said.
“I know better of you than that. You hate Christmas.”
“Maybe,” Regulus said. “It´s been a long time since... You know,” he continued.
“Maybe I´ve changed.” He thought of James and the idea of Christmas didn´t seem suddenly so bad. Maybe he was right. He just needed the right people around him to spend Christmas with.
“Just come inside, Reg. I want to see you,” Sirius said, pleaded. It felt weird and Regulus felt obscure – he didn´t want to see Sirius like this.
“Okay you cunt,” Regulus said under his breath, but Sirius seemed to hear it because the next second, he was barking out a laugh.
When he stepped into the flat the first thing he noticed were the photos. They were everywhere. Photos of Remus and Sirius, of just Remus, their friends he assumed and a lot of photos of Teddy, and a black dog.
He observed carefully each one in the tiny hallway.They were scattered all around.
Some, most of them, weren´t even in frames, they were just laid out on the cupboard.
To not seem like he was snooping, he quickly took of his coat and hanged it, then removed his boots. Regulus could feel Sirius´ eyes on him the whole time.
He tried not to knock something over and break it. “Let´s sit in the living room?” Sirius proposed, his eyebrows raised in question. Regulus gave him a tiny nod.
“I can make some tea. Would you like some tea Regulus?” He hated how careful Sirius was now. Like he was tip-toing around him or else he´d break.
“Yeah, tea would be nice.” As Sirius lead him to the living room Regulus noticed other things. How lived-in the flat looked, complete opposite of his.
Or that they were in the middle of decorating. Ornaments and bubbles and lights were scattered around the living room and kitchen in boxes, waiting to be put up again. More photos. Books stacked at almost every corner – he thought that that had to be Remus´ doing. Dog toys were visible on the floor too, along with Teddy´s.
He also noticed that Remus wasn´t there.
He had probably hided somewhere. Jesus fuck.
“Make yourself comfortable,” Sirius mumbled as he pointed to the sofa. “Um, it´s a bit of a mess right now,” he scratched the back of his head.
“But, well, we weren´t expecting anyone so...” He made a grimace – that classic Sirius Black grimace: lips sucked into a thin line with his eyebrows going up. Regulus let out a “mhm” and sat down. It surprised him how the sofa was so soft and it buried his body into its surface.
“What kind do you want?” Sirius asked from the kitchen. “We have lots of fruit ones, herbal or just grey, or black, green...” he listed. “Remus likes tea a lot,” he explained even when Regulus didn´t ask him to.
After a second he said, “Grey would be just fine,” and looked back around him.
The living room space was quite big actually for a flat in New York. It was connected with the kitchen via island with bar stools. Around it, were columns to make the kitchen feel like a different, separate room. And above the island were hanging pots and pants with plants. A lot of plants.
Next to the sofa was the Christmas tree waiting to be decorated and underneath was a big dog bed. Behind was a big window and a door leading to a balcony which was already decorated – fairy lights were hanging there and on the table was set a Christmas tablecloth weighed down with a wreath. There was also an ashtray which seemed a bit out of space.
He was so lost in his thoughts that when a wet snoot touched his arm, which was laid on his lap, he jumped up on the sofa, hitting his head on the fucking overhead light.
Next came running Remus with a leash in his hand. “Snuffles! Come back!” he raised his voice, panicking, but it was still firm enough to get the dogs attention.
“I´m sorry Pads,” he whispered and send apologetic look to Sirius.
Regulus was holding his head, which hurt, and looked from Sirius to Remus. It seemed like they were having whole different conversation in their own language which was foreign to Regulus.
When the silence was too loud Regulus coughed and said, “why don´t you have tea with us Remus? I heard you like it.”
It had to be absurd image. Regulus standing on the sofa, Remus with mouth wide open and leash ready in his hands, Sirius in the middle of pouring the water from the cattle and Snuffles making eyes at Regulus from the floor.
Remus send Sirius a look, like he was asking him if it´s okay. Sirius nodded and took out another cup. Regulus calmed down and sat back down on the sofa, trying to ignore the dog.
Who even let them have a dog this big in a fucking flat?
“Sorry ´bout the dog...He´s still kind of learning what he can and can´t do,” Remus said first, trying to ease the atmosphere.
“Mm, that´s okay, just wasn´t expecting it,” Regulus tried to be polite but it came out very...not polite. “Anyway, how old is he?” he asked, eying it warningly.
“Tomorrow he´ll be one,” Sirius added to their conversation if you can call it that. And when I tell you Regulus couldn´t show the surprise on his face, he really couldn´t. His eyes went big and his eyebrows flew to his fucking hairline.
“You´re telling me- This, this is one year old?!” he choked out.
“Yeah, he´s practically still a puppy,” Sirius said casually like it was nothing and carriend on with making the tea.
“It will- it will be even bigger? Are you telling me it´s going to be bigger than this?”
“Yeah,” Remus chuckled and oh, he just made an enemy.
“How the fuck do they even let you keep him here?” Regulus finds himself asking. The dog-Snuffles-is still looking at him like he knows exactly what he´s talking about.
“Your tea Regulus,” Sirius cuts in, like he doesn´t want to answer that, holding out the cup to him.
“No- no. You´ve got to be joking,” Regulus gasped, eyes darting from Sirius to Remus.
“What should I be joking about my darling little brother?” Sirius asks, sitting down next to him with his own cup of tea. “I have no idea what are you talking about.”
Regulus heard Remus hide – very poor attempt may I say – the laugh behind his cup from the armchair opposite them. Oh, he is going to pay for that.
Suddenly Regulus is nine years old and he and Sirius are bickering over the fact that Sirius clearly skipped school but pretended he didn´t. It throws Regulus back to reality.
“Sirius...” he wants to ask him so many questions. He needs so many answers. But he can´t seem to bring himself to ask anything really important.
Like he´s just circling around the hot lava that will consume him either way sooner or later. Like Sirius knows what he´s thinking about he cuts in.
“I´m sorry.” He is looking him right in the eyes, Regulus can tell he´s sincere.
“Look, I´m so fucking sorry, okay?” Sirius continues. It´s tugging on Regulus´ insides. “I don´t want you to feel like you need to explain anything, Christ, I should be the one explaining, shouldn´t I?”
“Like you said before... It´s a long time sice- Sice I literally fucking left you there with them and didn´t tell you much about it.”
The lump in Regulus´ throat was getting bigger and bigger, he feels like he can´t swallow.
“I know you were so angry... So, so angry. You can´t even imagine how glad I am-” He can´t take this anymore. He abruptly stands up.
“Where's the bathroom?” he urges, already walking somewhere, he has no idea where. Sirius frowns but points to the end of the hallway from where Remus came running from earlier and it takes only seconds for Regulus to get there.
As soon as the door closes behind him, he starts vomiting. He tries his best to silence the gagging but he´s not doing a good job.
It takes him a few minutes to calm down after that. He can feel his whole body shaking and the goosebumps on his arms.
He puts his head into his arms, hovering over the toilet lid. Of fucking course. He wants to laugh. Of fucking course this is happening to him.
When he can feel like he´s not going to vomit anymore, he flushes the toilet and starts washing out his mouth.
He hates the disgusting taste.
Regulus can faintly hear Remus and Sirius in the living room- now that the ringing in his ears ease out.
“Is he alright?” It´s Remus.
“Yeah, he just... You know he´s had problems like this since he was little, it´s not his fault its...” Silence.
“Parents? Your parents´ fault,” Remus says.
Regulus looks into the mirror. Get a fucking grip on yourself. He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes, just breathing.
After a while there´s a light knock on the door. “You fine Reg?” Sirius asks like he just didn´t ran away to vomit into his bathroom after not seeing him for seven years. Yay.
“Mhm,” he croaks out. He can still feel the vomit in his mouth. “Just a sec,” Regulus calls out louder this time.
He just needs to compose himself again. He will not, he cannot, come out of here looking like this.
“Of course, Regulus, take your time,” he can hear Sirius say.
He sighs and pull himself together. He washes his face and combs his hands through hair. He still looks tired - he doesn´t want to recognise this reflection.
Slowly, he unlocks the door and steps out of the bathroom, the shame already eating him.
Sirius is sitting on the sofa with Remus on previously Regulus´ place. He thinks to himself how easy it is to replace him.
He forces something of a smile to creep up on his face and hates when they look at him with nothing else but worry. He casually plops himself on Remus´ spot, in the armchair.
“So... where did we end?” he tries but his brother just shakes his head.
“Reg...” Sirius begins in a pained voice.
“What Sirius.” It´s not even a question. He just sent it out like a dagger. Sirius sighs.
“You know, you don´t have to pretend like nothing´s wrong.” This set aflame something inside of Regulus. His chest heaved and he clenched his jaw.
“It´s okay to talk about-” Sirius started but Remus cut him off this time, seemingly not fast enough.
Regulus was standing up, storming off. Fucking bullshit.
This is just complete fucking bullshit. Why was he even trying in the first place?
He didn´t came here to talk about his fucking feelings, he could´ve booked himself a therapy session if he wanted to do that. He´d rather die.
He put on his shoes and coat, not even bothering to tie the laces or put on his scarf or hat and slammed the door shut behind him.
As he did an elderly lady sent him disgusted look to which he just showed her the middle finger with a look of a complete maniac. Don´t even try me right now.
He wasn´t even one storey down and he already heard the door bang again which could mean only one thing.
He let out a frustrated yelp as a hand wrapped around his arm.
“Fucking Christ Regulus, are you five years old or what?!” Sirius hissed. He was trying to stop him, Regulus wasn´t stopping.
“Just- Fuck, just stay!” Sirius yelled but immediately shut his mouth. Regulus stopped.
“What do you want from me Regulus?” Sirius asked, shaking his head. “You just show up, after fucking I don´t know how long, then storm out and what? You expect me to let you just run and never fucking return again? Oh, you won´t have it so easy.” He doesn´t know what to say. Partially because he doesn´t want to say anything and because the anger is just- everywhere.
“Regulus, I´ll ask you for the last time,” Sirius said. “What are you doing here?”
He swallows, thinking about every word he chooses. He´s not like Sirius, using the first thing that comes to his mind, mouth faster than brain. That caused him much trouble in the past.
It takes him a while.
“I missed you, you idiot,” he gritted out through his teeth, jaw still clenched.
Sirius inhales sharply and sucks in his lips. They just stand there in silence after that. Not moving or anything. Sirius´s hand still wrapped around his biceps but the grip is loosening. They´re in the middle of the stairs and they´d probably be for longer if someone wasn´t trying to get past them.
It was the fucking lady from before. Jesus.
She smacked both Regulus and Sirius on the head and left with mumbling something about this generation...
Regulus looked at his brother, the grimace back on his face.
“What did you do?” he mumbled arching one eyebrow.
“Flipped her off,” Sirius huffed. “And you?”
Regulus just shook his head. They really are brothers.