Chapter 2
REMUS
FIFTH YEAR
Sometimes, Remus genuinely reconsidered his choice of friends.
The Gryffindor table was lined with hungover teenagers, dark bags lining their eyes and wrinkled uniforms clinging to their tired limbs. But this stopped no one from smiling and rejoicing at where they were. There really was magic at Hogwarts, in more ways than one.
Remus really wasn’t hungry, but James had shoved a piece of toast at him that Remus could not ignore. Being the people pleaser he was, Remus took a little nibble from the corner of the bread before placing it back down on his plate. Sirius was talking animatedly with James and didn’t look up at Remus, who decided to rehash his summer with Pete.
Remus quickly glanced up after feeling a foot lightly tap his. Sirius’s eyes were locked on him, and a confusing frown twisted the perfect lines of his face. Sirius glanced at Remus’s uneaten breakfast, then back up at him. Remus’s lips slightly parted for a moment, and he could feel heat creeping up his neck before James stole Sirius’s attention once again. Remus shook his head, bewildered, and stuffed the rest of his toast into his mouth. He could’ve sworn he saw Sirius grin.
“No fucking way. I - no. What the fuck?” Remus was sprawled on his favorite armchair in the Gryffindor common room, dark green cargo pants covering most of his Docs and patterned red sleeves going past his knuckles. “It’s literally the first day of term, how can you possibly be already behind enough to try and cheat off me?”
Sirius and Peter helplessly faced Remus, blank parchment in their hands, while James nervously stood behind them for backup. “I am not writing your essays. Slughorn will notice if we literally have the same words.”
“Moonyyyy,” Sirius groaned, making puppy dog eyes at Remus. Peter glanced at Sirius and tried to mimic his expression, but Remus could not help but feel more convinced by Sirius. Remus was saved in his moment of weakness as Mary came bustling into the common room, Dorcas in tow. Big hair framed Mary’s soft face, a new style acquired over the summer. Dorcas’s long, dark dreads were pulled back with a patterned bandana.
“You too?!” Remus cried in exhaustion and ridicule.
“What’d they do now?” Sirius piped in.
““What’d they do now? You say that like I’m constantly getting in trouble, Black,” Mary smirked. Before Sirius could flirt back, Remus waved his hand around in the air.
“Why the fuck are so many people dragging in kids from other houses?” he groaned. Dorcas dramatically pressed a hand to her heart.
“Is that all I am to you, Rem?” she gasped sarcastically. “A kid from another house?”
“Oh my god, you know what I mean. You’re not supposed to be in the Gryffindor common room.”
“Goody-goody,” Sirius muttered, with a little “pff” escaping between his lips.
“It’s fine, I snuck her in to see cute little Marlene,” Mary said with a grin. Dorcas and Marlene had been dating since the middle of fourth year, and Mary seemed to have taken on the role of wingwoman for both of them.
“Oh, she’s the cutest,” Dorcas parroted, smiling fondly at Marlene where she sat straddling a stool in the corner of the common room. She had left Remus, Sirius, Peter, and James in indignance to write her own essay. Marlene’s pale blond hair shaped into a wolf cut slipped into her darkly shadowed eyes, brushing the shoulders of her leather jacket. Remus had to admit, he aspired to be her sometimes. He knew that Sirius did the same.
Mary dragged Dorcas off to see Marlene, turning the marauders’ attention back to Remus.
“No,” he said before they could even bring the topic of academic dishonesty back up. “I’ll report you to McGonagall.”
“Oh, Moony, you softy, you would never,” Sirius crooned. Remus picked up his mass-market paperback of The Professor and lifted it up to his face, blocking his friends from view. He nearly screeched as a socked foot flew up and kicked the book out of his hands.
“Peter! What the fuck?!”
“Remus, we need your hellllp!” Peter had clearly lost his patience, and so had Remus.
“Okay, I’m done. I don’t give a fuck if all of you fail Slughorn’s class. Actually, I hope you do, because then I won’t have to see you there every goddamn day.” Remus grabbed The Professor from where it had fallen on the floor and stormed up to the dormitory.
“Must be his time of the month,” James muttered as Remus made his way upstairs.
“I don’t have a uterus!” Remus shouted back over his shoulder, turning a few young heads. He slammed the dormitory door shut behind him, before falling back onto his four-poster. Remus didn’t really mind much when his friends asked him for help, but one day into term? Really? And anyway, it was fun to rile up the marauders. Remus knew he wasn’t the only one to enjoy the scene.
Remus took a deep inhale, letting his breath trickle out into the air above him. He was just about to grab a cigarette when the dormitory door cracked open, and Sirius stepped inside. His hair was up in a bun again, and he tucked a flyaway strand behind his ear.
“Hey,” he said, flopping down on his own bed next to Remus’s.
“Why’d you ditch?” Remus asked, crossing his legs underneath him as he positioned his cigarette between his lips.
“James is helping Peter with his essay but he refused to help me,” Sirius humphed. Remus carefully lit his cigarette and inhaled slowly. Cigs were hard to come by at home, and Remus was relieved to be back where the only barrier to his smoking was James’s disgust and concerns for his health.
Remus let smoke slip between his lips before saying, “Well, if you’re looking for help, you’ve come to the wrong place.”
“I know,” was all Sirius said in response. He stretched out on his bed, lacing his fingers together and bracing his hands behind his head. He crossed his ankles, not seeming to mind the marks his boots were undoubtedly leaving on the bed. Sirius glanced over at Remus, a soft twinkle in his eye. “Give me a drag, would you?” Remus didn’t share his cigarettes with just anyone. But Sirius didn’t know that.
Remus passed over the joint, holding it between two fingers. Sirius took a deep inhale, and let his eyes slowly drift closed as smoke drifted from his lips. Remus’s breath hitched in his throat. How the fuck did Sirius Black make smoking look so cool? “Hey, Rem?” Sirius said, without opening his eyes.
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
“What?” Remus said, not meaning for the word to come out as breathlessly as it did.
“Are you okay?” Sirius repeated bluntly, opening his eyes and turning to piercingly look at Remus.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Remus hoped the falsity and pain behind his words did not come through.
Sirius continued to meet Remus’s gaze as he said, “You weren’t eating at breakfast.”
“I’m fine, Sirius,” Remus muttered, reaching over to grab the cigarette back. Sirius did not look convinced.
“That’s not true.”
“Shut up.” Remus’s heart was hammering in his chest, and he wasn't sure why. “Why do you care?”
“Why do I care? James was right, it really is your time of the month, Moons,” Sirius said, clearly not noticing Remus’s nostrils flare. “Because I care about you.” Remus’s heart stopped for a moment, before remembering that Sirius had been one of his best friends for years. Nothing more. So obviously he would say he cared.
“Can - are you -” Sirius stuttered. He was always so blunt and confident, and seeing him like this made Remus nervous. “Did…” Sirius started fidgeting with his fingers and did not look up at Remus. “Did they touch you? Did you… did you?” Remus felt all of the air leave his lungs.
“Did who touch me?”
“Hope. Lyall. The wolf. Your…yourself.” Before Remus got a chance to answer, Peter and James tumbled into the dormitory, still arguing over Peter’s paper.
“I promise you it’s the spleen of a Kappa, not the liver!” Peter was waving his arms emphatically as he spoke.
“If you’re so confident, why do you need my help?” James groaned from behind him, but they all knew James would help Peter whether he asked for it or not. Whether he needed it or not. And, well, he did need it, despite his confidence.
Remus fidgeted with his cigarette, while Sirius got up to open the window. Neither of them had made eye contact since James and Peter came into the room. Remus had to admit, he was kind of in shock. Sirius knew a lot about his home life and his… his scars. Because they both had them. Remus couldn’t talk about it with anyone who didn’t understand, but Sirius did. But Remus could not recall a time when Sirius brought up the subject voluntarily, and asked Remus if he had new ones. If he was okay.
Remus carefully stood up, stubbing out his cigarette on the frame of his bed. He walked over to lean on the windowsill next to Sirius, where they both ignored Peter and James bickering. “I’m okay,” Remus whispered. Sirius gently rubbed Remus’s wrist with his pinky for a fraction of a second.
“You can tell me if you’re not.”
“Mhm,” Remus muttered. Remus wasn’t okay. But he wasn’t about to put that on Sirius. Sirius had enough of his own scars to worry about. “Are… are you? Okay?” Sirius was safe at the Potters over the summer, and Remus was sure that he had encountered no members of the Black family. But he could never be completely safe from himself.
“Yeah,” Sirius breathed out. “Yeah, I - okay as I can be.” Remus nodded. He understood. Out of the four marauders, Sirius and Remus best understood each other when it came to their scars. Emotional and physical. Neither of them really told the truth about how they were doing, but talking about it at all was enough for them both. Remus grew up being treated as a predator that wasn’t him, while Sirius was raised in the belly of the beast. Ironically opposite, yet nearly the same.