Chapter 1
Remus Lupin couldn’t sleep. He hadn’t been able to sleep for what felt like months. Sure, sometimes he closed his eyes and fell into what some may call sleep, for him it meant a late night where he might have some energy in the morning.
Usually he got away with it, cast silencing spells around on his bed and meditated to music. Some times he read a book or two, but tonight it wasn’t just the sleep thing that bothered him. No, there was this gnawing right beneath his rib cage.
He wasn’t sure what had caused it, only that it had been keeping him company all day. Sirius had noticed it first; the excessive tapping of pencils, reading the same page over and over again. Remus wasn’t sure if it was because James often was filled to the brim with anxiety or if it was Sirius himself. Either way he had been offered a calming drought, which of course he declined. He couldn’t help it, something about any types of drugs freaked him out. It felt weird for all of his problems to suddenly go underneath the surface. It wasn’t as if he stopped worrying, he just couldn’t feel it. If there only was a drought to stop his thoughts, but for that he would need a lobotomy. Unfortunately those were banned even in the wizard world.
So he found himself, as usual, flat on his back staring at the roof of the bed. He really ought to cast some spells there, he thought to himself. Perhaps a celestial map? An endless game of chess that could keep him company during the endless nights. Hell, he even contemplated charming a piece of parchment and a quill so he could use the empty hours for studying. But nothing seemed to appeal him in the slightest, the anxiety lingered like a curse.
He knew he probably should’ve asked Madame Pomfrey for help, just a little bit. But the poor woman was already needlessly worried about his health, constantly caring for fresh scars and broken bones. He felt awful even thinking about burdening her with these silly little thoughts.
In the midst of his thinking, which never really reached an end, the curtains surrounding his bed rustled. “Moony?”
Fuck, had he forgotten the silencing charm tonight? He really hated to wake his friends during the night, they had actual things to do in the mornings. Things like talking without being rude and paying attention to what the professors were saying.
“Yeah?” He whispered.
A pale hand pulled the curtains away, shiny black hair that almost turned blue in the moon light. “You alright?”
Of course it was Sirius. It would always be Sirius. Remus’s heart skipped a beat, it always did when the good friend was around. Or more precisely, when he gave Remus his undivided attention. That was another thing Remus did not want to think about, he knew very well why the boy caused him anxiety and did not feel inclined to explore it further.
“Can’t sleep.”
Sirius rarely asked if he could join him in bed, Remus rarely objected. It was nice to have him there, whether he caused Remus’s heart to palpitate in a rather pathetic way. Sirius always had a steady heartbeat, warm hands and somehow his eyes rarely lost their calmness.
“I figured. Want to talk about it?”
“Nah.” He hated to talk, despised feeling weak. The others knew this and yet never failed to ask. He loved that about them, even if he rarely opened up they always gave him an opportunity to do so.
Sirius chuckled, something that normally would’ve caused an embarrassing blush on Remus’s cheeks. But now he was already too exhausted to even think about it. “Yeah, I figured. You know, I had the most eventful day.” He continued in a low hum of a voice.
“Do tell.”
And Sirius talked, talked until every single word was nonsense and absolutely incoherent in Remus’s tired ears. Soon enough he felt his shoulders drop and his mind drift off to what he hoped was a dream, something that wouldn’t end up in a night terror. Sirius’s voice never really filtered out, functioning as a backdrop to whatever his brain was making up to keep him asleep. A blissful sleep he hadn’t felt in what must’ve been weeks.
Sirius gazed at him with soft eyes, relished in how his friends eyelids heavily closed shut and how his lips eventually fell apart. He didn’t even mind the drool making its way down to his own pyjama shirt, as long as he could bring Remus some peace of mind. Before leaving the bed he took Remus’s hand in his and gave it a light kiss, asking whatever was up there that the boy wouldn’t wake up in the midst of it. He could never know, that wouldn’t end up well for either of them. But even if Remus didn’t reincorporate his feelings he was happy enough to be there, right by his side, lulling him to sleep.