Chapter 18
James~
Regulus has avoided him for 2 days. It doesn’t seem like much but to James it’s felt like an eternity of torture. He’s tried to talk to him but Reg just acts like he’s not there, it’s killing him. He didn’t realise just how much he relied on Regulus’ presence, just how much he needed it. So he went to the only person he could think of that could actually help him; Remus. Remus has been around the manor a lot more this holiday, mainly to be near Sirius. So, separating the two is going to be a challenge, especially because Sirius would just want to be in the conversation. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem, except it’s Regulus, Sirius would kill him if he knew.
Remus, Peter and Lily have been at the manor all day, so James just had to get Remus separated. Unluckily for Remus, James is horrible at subtlety, “Rem, can I tal-”
“James, can I pull you away for a second?” Lily cut him off.
“Uh- sure, Lils.” James agreed. James got up and followed her off to the kitchen.
Lily sat up on the counter while James awkwardly sat by her on the counter stools. She smiled down at him softly, she was so inviting and safe, it was part of the reason he liked her. Now he sat here, staring at her, trying to understand why he felt nothing more than admiration and friendship. “I really wanted to say thanks for last night, you were so helpful, honestly i don’t know what I would've done if you weren’t there for me.” Lily smiled down at him, holding onto his hand.
“It’s okay, Lils. You don’t need to thank me, I would’ve done it even if it wasn’t you.” James told her.
“Isn’t that even more reason for me to thank you? You would’ve done it even if you didn’t know the girl crying, I can’t not thank you for that.” She decided.
“Do you wanna talk about the whole Mary thing?” James asked.
“No, saying too much about it will just make me sad and I’m in a good mood, I don’t intend to ruin that.” James nodded, ready to move on. “Though… I do have to ask. Do you understand why I always said ‘no’ now?” She looked down at him, guilt and assertion fighting for a front on her face.
“A lot more than you know, Lils.” He gave her a sad smile attempting to be happy.
“And if I told you I did know?” She confessed.
“What?” James looked up at her alarmed.
“Regulus, right?” She smiled at him knowingly.
“What- how did you- what?” James stuttered.
“You’ve never been good at hiding how you feel, James.” She explained.
“How long have you known? Does Sirius know?” James felt the anxiety crawling up his throat.
“Since your first ‘lesson’ with him, you came to breakfast the next morning all excited and jittery just talking about Regulus. And no, Sirius doesn’t know. You're obvious but not obvious enough for Sirius to realise, he’s quite oblivious.” Lily joked. “I may have already known but I do want to know how it happened. Tell me about him.” Lily asked.
“Godrick Lils, how much time you got?” James laughed.
“... A summary then?” Lily chuckled.
“Where do I start?”
“Where did it start?”
“I’m not sure to be honest… I’ve thought on it a lot, I think I’ve felt it for a while… a long while. I guess I’ve always felt it, it’s always been there. Merlin, Lily even when I loved you I was searching for him. He’s always been just there, constantly. But it only got really serious when we started hanging out this year… Merlin, I’ve never met anyone like him… he’s everything that everyone else claims to be but more. I’m so crazy about him, Lils.” James confessed, taking in a deep breath coming up for air in his own personal ocean of Regulus Black.
“So, you love him?” Lily beamed up at him.
James felt stuck in place, stunned. “Love?” James looked up at her, “Love? Love is a very very big word, Lils.” James decided.
“Well, does his name and love feel right in the same sentence?” Lily asked. James always loved how smart she was.
James sat back repeating the words in his head. Words? Those weren’t words. Not to him. James sucked in a sharp shaky breath, looking up at Lily as if he’d just committed a crime. “Lily, I love him. I love Regulus Black…” James felt his throat close up. “Merlin, I love him so much. I love him more than Sirius would ever be okay with… I love him. Merlin, I want him. I need him.” James wiped at his eyes, he felt so dramatic but how could he act normal right now? Especially when his mind was imagining Sirius’ face full of betrayal watching his best friend confess his love to his little brother.
“Why was it so easy for you to say you loved me? Why not Regulus?” Lily asked, laying a comforting hand on James’ knee.
“Because… even if there was no chance of us being together, at least if we ever did I’d know we could. Sirius would kill me before letting me have him and Merlin, I want him. I can never have him…” James choked out. Lily pulled him down into her arms, caressing his hair. “Lily… He loves someone else… I want her dead but I would die to be her… Why not me? Why not me, Lily?” Lily held him tightly, whispering to him softly.
“It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay. One day you won’t feel this. It’ll all be okay. I swear it.” Lily promised.
“This isn’t fair…. Lily, I always thought I wanted it to end up as you and me. Why am I here?” James rubbed at his eyes leaving a harsh sting behind.
“James, an 11 year old wrote that ending, change the ending. We aren’t kids anymore.” Lily told him while holding him close. “Godrick, an 11 year old that didn’t even actually believe the words he was saying made that ending .” Lily laughed.
“I’m so sorry about all that bullshit, Lils. I was horrible, you didn’t deserve that. Now that I think back on it all I feel horrible. I don’t even think I realised what I was doing… How it could hurt you… I’m sorry. Honestly, I love you so much more as my friend.” Just apologised.
“Good, that’s all I’ve ever wanted of you. I never wanted to be this dream girl of yours, I just wanted to be your friend.” She o admitted, now sniffling too.
“Lily, as my friend, can you tell me what to do? How to fix this? How to make it better?” He sniffled.
“Talk to him. Just talk. Nothing dramatic, just words.”
“Words to Regulis are dramatic.” James laughed.
“He’s quite the silent type, isn’t he?”
“Yeah… yeah he is.” James smiled. “Sorry, we’ve been talking about me and Regulus for so long… How’s Mary?”
“How much time you got?” Lily joked.
“As long as you’d like.”
“Godrick James, she’s Mary. You do realise that means I’d like to talk about her for a very very long time.” Lily laughed but her eyes shone with fondness.
“Well then, tell me where it started. First year?” James guessed.
“No, I didn’t quite like her in first year…” Lily admitted.
“What? But, you two were so close?”
“No we weren’t. I was close with Marlene and she was close with Marlene, so by extension we were together too.” Lily explained.
“Why didn’t you like her?” James asked, sitting in closer.
“Because everyone liked her… I don’t know, I guess I wanted to go against the grain. I wanted to be the only person who didn’t like Mary Macdonald. How stupid do I look now, falling all over the place every time she gives me any sort of attention.” Lily laughed sadly.
“When’d you start liking her?”
“4th year, after I stopped talking to Sev. Everyone had just agreed it was for the best and didn’t even try to help… oh, but not Mary. Mary sat with me all night, letting me sit there and cry over a boy who meant everything to me. She was there because she thought we were friends and that's what friends do. Merlin, I’ve never seen Mary as a friend. It’s like my mind can’t compute it? Does that make sense? I went from down right hating her and everything she touched to falling for all her silly charms overnight.”
“Does she know any of that?” James picked up Lily’s hand.
“No and she never will. She’ll hate me for it, James. I can’t lose her. It’s better this way anyway.” Lily lied.
“Well aren’t we just great at this whole romance thing.” James joked.
“Stunning. Godrick, Hogwarts should be happy we already have our sights set on our respective people because if we didn’t we’d be taking everyone's lovers.” She laughed.
“Of course, of course, no one would have any hope with us there. Dynamic duo we are. I’ll send all the girls your way and you send all the guys my way.” James stuck his hand out jokingly.
“But everyone in between is free game, sorry James, you’re losing that part to me.” Lily shook his hand.
James pulled his most exaggerated shocked face he could muster, “How could I ever stand a chance next to your 7 year process of hating someone for no reason at all to falling full throttle in love with them.”
Lily laughed, pushing him jokingly, “You twat.” She rolled her eyes, “How would I ever get any of these people when I have your seven year process of loving someone and not realising it at all.”
“Oh, stuff you!” James laughed, pushing her back softly until they’d fallen into a full playful fight in the kitchen. James threw up a white tablecloth once Lily had held him in a headlock. “You win! You win!” James laughed.
“Merlin, you messed up my hair.” Lily laughed.
James sat staring at Lily as she fixed her hair using a spoon as a mirror. Everything fell into place. This is how it was meant to be, him and Lily. They were never meant to be some show stopping couple and he’s glad they weren’t because to have Lily like that would be to her like this. This was perfect. He and Lily.
—————————————————
The second Lily and he split ways, James went searching through the whole manor for Regulus. It took 30 minutes but he’d found him, cooped up in a dusty chair in the attic.
“Reggie?” James called out, startling him.
“What do you want?” Regulus called back coldly.
“I just wanted to see if you were okay… I haven’t seen you in a few days.” James felt his heart beating in his throat.
“Good.” Regulus didn’t even look up at him.
“Reggie, I don’t completely understand what I did… but I know that it really hurt you, so for that I’m sorry.” James crouched at the edge of the couch, looking up at Regulus with pleading eyes.
Regulus drew in a quick breath, letting it out in a shaky haze as if he’d just lost a battle. “It’s fine. Forget it even happened, it’s fine.”
“Really? You’re not just saying that, right?” James asked.
“No, really just forget about it.” Regulus assured.
“I know this doesn’t really change anything but I am really sorry.”
“I know you are.”
“Can I stay? I really want to stay with you, I miss you.” James pleaded.
“Fine, do what you want.” Regulus replied coldly.
James beamed, pulling up a rusty old attic chair next to Regulus’.
—------------------------------------------
Regulus~
“Can I stay? I really want to stay with you, I miss you.” James lied. Regulus knew Sirius probably sent him up here trying to coax Regulus into coming down or something.
“Fine, do what you want.” Regulus replied coldly, fighting back his own treacherous heart.
James smiled up at him, though the whole thing felt like a lie. He pulled up a chair that was caked in dust. “What are you reading?” James asked, feigning his care.
“‘Bonjour Tristesse.’” Regulus answered.
“Is that muggle?”
“Yeah.”
“What’s it about?”
“A girl.” Regulus felt his heart contrapting, he wanted to stay mad at James but also wanted to just curl up in his arms and talk his ear off about the wonderful minds of muggle authors.
“I thought you said it was fine, why are you still hating me?” James asked. Regulus loved the way he talked sometimes, sometimes he makes him just want to shrink down and walk around his mind and see all his thoughts moving around and articulating into the pretty little words he says.
“We are fine and I’m not hating you, I’d just like for you to not be near me right now.”
“That feels like hate.”
“Well, that’s your mind's fault for viewing it that way.” Regulus brushed him off.
“When will you want me back around again?” James looked up at him sadly, pulling at the strings of Regulus’ already fraying blanket of self control.
“I don’t know.” Regulus replied avoiding James’ eyes knowing if he looked back he’d crumble for him.
“Reggie?” James called out from the small space between their two chairs.
Regulus looked up at him on instinct, “Yes?”
“Can you let me know… you know, when you want me around again.” James looked so insecure, Regulus knows he’s not used to not being instantly wanted around.
“Yeah, I will.” Regulus promised.
James smiled and put his chair back to where it was, he made his way over to the attic steps, “I’ll see you then, then?” James smiled at him but it was a sad smile.
“You will.” Regulus promised. James smiled one more time then made his way out. Regulus let out a breath he didn’t even realise he was holding in. He went back to reading but the words on the page weren’t making sense, every sentence he read was blurred through with the vision of James sitting across from him asking him questions. Regulus got through a page before he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. He silently hoped it was James here to bug him again, he felt betrayed when Remus came into view.
“Hey.” Now Regulus was certain Sirius was sending them all up.
“Hello.” Regulus replied blandly.
Remus pulled up a chair, the same one James had just used. Regulus wanted to push him off it. Remus plucked the book out of his hands, “You’re an ass sometimes, you know? Read later.”
Regulus rolled his eyes, “What do you want?”
“Just wanted to talk-”
“Get to the point or I will push you off that chair.” Regulus threatened.
“Well, I realised I never thanked you.” Remus admitted.
“Thanked me? For what?”
“Helping me with Sirius.” Remus answered. Silence took over them as they both looked at each other awkwardly.
“Well?”
“What?”
“You implied you were going to thank me.”
“That was the thank you?” Remus looked so confused.
“What? Acknowledging you never thanked me was your thanks? You and My brothers' fights must mull over amazingly.” Regulus quipped.
“They do.” Remus lied.
“So, you’ve acknowledged the fact you haven’t thanked me, are you leaving now?” Regulus asked even though he wasn’t completely hating Lupin’s presence.
“I’m sure a few more minutes with me won’t kill you.” Remus rolled his eyes.
“Oh but it would.” Regulus said sarcastically, making Remus laugh.
“Fine, I’ll cut to the chase again. Reg, I’m saying this because you helped me a lot… like you don’t even realise what you did for me. And as much as it pains me to say it, you’re not all that terrible, for some reason I don’t hate being around you. Also, this thing is gonna hurt you and if it hurt you it’d hurt Sirius… especially if the reason you were hurt was his best friend.”
“What are you saying? Stop dancing around it, just say it.” Regulus pressed.
“End this stupid thing with James. This whole ‘girl’ situation is so stupid. You’re hurting yourself for no reason.” Remus explained.
“It’s not for no reason.” Regulus defended.
“Yes it is, because whatever stupid reason you’re going to try to give me now doesn’t make sense.”
“I’m not ending it.” Regulus reinstated.
“So you’re just going to sit here and lie to him? Telling him he’s helping you with some girl while you sit here and spend all your time with him wanting more of him. That’s not fair to you.” Remus seemed to actually care but Regulus knew it was all because of Sirius by extension.
“I’m fine with that arrangement.”
“And when he gets a girlfriend? When he doesn’t have time for you anymore because he’s spending all his time with her? When he asks for her to start joining you guys when you hang out? What then, Reg?” Remus asked, practically begging Regulus to realise shit he’s already known for ages.
“What do you suppose I do then, Lupin? Please tell me because I would love to hear your clearly superior opinion.” Regulus rolled his eyes.
“End it. End it all. If not for you, for Sirius’ sake. Just end it, Reg.”
“I don’t want to hurt him… he’ll blame himself. I can’t let him blame himself for another thing, he already blames himself for every other stupid thing on this Earth.” Regulus felt like crying, then felt like a massive idiot for wanting to cry over this.
“He’ll understand eventually, just give it time. End it, Reg.”
“Fine… I’ll do it tonight.” Regulus decided, wishing away his threatening tears.
“Good.” Remus handed his book back to him. “Hey, Reg?”
“Yeah.” Regulus didn’t look up at him, just stared down at his closed book.
“You're Sirius’ little brother and he means a lot to me and you mean a lot to him, I want us to be friends.”
“Why?”
“Well I don’t know about you but I intend on being in SIrius’ life for as long as possible, pretty sure you’re gonna be there too.” Remus reasoned.
“Fine, but don’t expect some big ‘Marauders’-esk friendship out of me.” Regulus rolled his eyes, brushing Remus off.
“Oh no, of course not.” Remus joked. “So, can I stay a while?” Remus asked.
“I’m reading.” Regulus didn’t understand why he was trying, it’s not like Sirius cares much.
“So am I.” Remus pulled out a book, Regulus’ eyes lit up.
“Holy shit! Is that Children Of Dune? That’s literally so new, how the fuck did you get it? Last I heard they were printing more copies because they underestimated the buyout!” Regulus didn’t mean to get so excited but he’d been waiting for the book.
“Lily got it for me. I could lend it to you when I’m done.” He offered.
“Seriously?” Remus nodded. “Sweet, yes- I mean, thanks.” Regulus awkwardly turned back to his book. Remus laughed quietly from the chair across from him. They fell into a comfortable silence, both just reading peacefully.