Chapter 17
Regulus~
Regulus woke up to the sound of his doorknob and the scent of coffee and blueberry pancakes filling the air. Regulus sat up to see James putting breakfast on his bedside table, and smiling down at him softly.
“Morning!” James exclaimed.
Regulus looked over at him exasperatedly, groggily whipping the sleep from his eyes, “Why are you in my room bringing me food at 9am?”
“Well, you were really helpful last night, so I thought I’d repay you with some breakfast in bed.” James explained.
“You don’t have to repay me for that, James.”
“Well then it’s not repayment, it’s sorry.” James decided.
“Sorry? Why would you need to say sorry?”
“I know that was a lot… that whole breakdown was so stupid and I shouldn’t have bought you into it. You didn’t deserve to have your first muggle party ruined and I am genuinely sorry. Honestly, the whole meltdown was just me being dramatic, I’m sorry, lovely.” Regulus felt his cheeks heaten at the nickname. James smiled at him as if the things he was saying were happy little memories.
“James, it wasn’t dramatic, it wasn’t stupid and I don’t need an apology.” Regulus replied, looking up at James solemnly.
“But I am sorry. I shouldn’t have broken down like that.” James avoided his eyes, looking anywhere but.
“That’s not fair to you. Jamie, you’re allowed to feel.” Regulus patted the bed next to him, James sat down next him, moving in close.
“I know I’m allowed to feel, I just can’t be selfish with it.” James explained.
“Selfish? What’s crossing the line of selfishness?” Regulus asked.
“I don’t know… I guess, maybe when it affects someone else? Like how it affected you last night-”
“It didn’t affect me. Did last night feel like you’d affected me?” Regulus placed his hand on James’ knee, trying to sooth him.
“Yes.” James’ answer came out dazed, he was staring down at Regulus’ hand.
“James, just because I stop what I’m doing to be there with you does not mean it’s ‘affected’ me, that’s stupid. If I came to you for help with something like that, would it bother you? Would it bother you if I needed you?” Regulus didn’t mean to ask the question with so much feeling behind it but the question did scare him, did James see his feelings as burdensome too?
“What? No, of course not.” James’ attention snapped back up to Regulus, he looked offended.
“Then again, this is stupid. This whole idea you’ve made in your head of your emotions being burdens is just stupid. If me coming to you is perfectly fine but you coming to me is horrible then that’s stupid and unfair. It’s so stupid.” Regulus droned on. “Do things like this happen to you a lot?”
James looked stunned staring up at Regulus. “Not like yesterday, no.”
“Come to me next time, alright? I want you to come to me, it’s not a burden, Jamie. I want you to come to me. I’m asking you to because I want you to.” James was looking at him as if he’d grown a second head, as if someone wanting to care for him was some major shock. “Do you not speak to Sirius about this stuff?” Regulus asked.
“I don’t want to bother him… It’s not that he wouldn’t let me, he just already has his own stuff to deal with, I’m not about to add to that, Reg.” James’ eyes became glassy but he smiled at Regulus as if they were joking around with each other.
“I guarantee you he doesn’t think of it like that. But, if you’re convinced he would then I’m here. Please, Jamie, I need you to trust I’m here for you.” Every word felt like a slap in the face but Regulus meant it all.
“Reggie… Am I allowed to hug you?” James whispered to him. Regulus nodded, letting James pull him in. James held onto him, running his fingers through his hair and breathing him in. James’ breaths were jagged but he seemed to calm with each stroke through Regulus’ hair. Regulus didn’t understand how he could bring comfort to anyone let alone the sun itself. The stars and sun don’t interact, yet here Regulus was in the arms of James. James eventually let go of him, “Thank-”
“No, I don’t want thank you’s from you.” Regulus cut him off.
“Okay, okay, fine, I don’t thank you.” James smiled down at him widely, “Anyways, hurry up and eat your breakfast. I owe you another skating lesson.” Regulus’ mind lapsed, he’d completely forgotten they’d been doing them in the first place.
“Oh- Uh, it’s okay, I think I’m set.” Regulus lied.
“Set? You literally know nothing.” James laughed.
Regulus couldn’t think of an excuse so he agreed and went on with it. While he was eating he realised he still hadn’t asked about Marlene and the lesson would be a perfect time to do that.
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James~
James brought Regulus to the backyard behind the big greenhouse because he didn’t want Sirius to see him fall. They’d been just going over everything they’d done before when Regulus stopped himself by holding onto James’ shoulders. Their faces were so close together James could feel his breath mingling with his own. The closeness was driving him crazy, being next to Regulus has become so hard to maintain without giving into him completely. Acting as if he wouldn’t rip apart his heart if Reg had asked him too is a challenge.
“How’s Marlene?” Regulus asked casually as if this was a normal topic for them.
“Marlene? Like, Marlene McKinnon?” James questioned, confusion in his tone.
“Is there any other Marlene?” Regulus laughed, Godrick, James loved his laugh.
“She’s uh- She’s good?” James answered, “Anyways, let’s get back on th-”
“She keeping up with quidditch in the hols?” Regulus asked.
“Maybe? I don’t know? Anyways-”
“How’s her brother doing? Marvin, right?” Regulus smiled at him but his eyes were searching his own for answers.
“Martin. He’s okay, I’m not sure? I don’t really talk to him, we’ve never been close.” James tried to pull Regulus over to the board subtly, wanting to get off the conversation of Marlene.
“And her parents?” Regulus resisted his urges to change the topic.
“I don’t know? Last time I saw Mr and Mrs McKinnon they were fine. Can we get back to what we were doing now?” James asked.
“Yeah, yeah, in a second. So Marlene, what’s she into?” Regulus asked. Into? Into? James could feel his mind spiralling.
“Into? In what way?” James felt the urgency in his tone.
“Whatever way you have the answers for.” Regulus laughed.
“This is weird, let's get back to what we were doing.” James suggested though it sounded more like a demand. Regulus followed along with him and let him change the topic back to skating, that was until five minutes later when Marlene’s name for some reason came back up.
“So… Marlene, what’s she like to talk about?” Regulus asked another question about Marlene.
“I don’t know? Why does it matter?” James pressed.
“Dunno’. Just does.” Regulus ended.
James felt his face heat up, he felt stupid. “That’s it then? No more about Marlene?”
“Well, technically I have more to say but if you want to move on…” Regulus looked up at him with his big silver eyes and of course James gave in. How could he not? When Regulus looked at him like that, he could get anything he wanted.
“We normally talk about quidditch and music, she hates personal conversation. She doesn’t like talking about school, it stresses her out. I don’t know what else to tell you.” James supplied.
“What’s she into?” Regulus asked again.
“I don’t know what you mean by that.” James felt angry, he’s never felt angry like this about Marlene. There's never been a reason to.
“Like, you know? What’s she into? Like, romantically.” Regulus said it as if it was nothing, as if he wasn’t practically killing James.
“So it’s her? She’s the girl?” James asked.
Regulus reeled back, “What? What gir- Oh- No, she’s not.” Regulus stuttered. James felt stupid, he felt so fucking stupid.
“Well good. She shouldn’t be the girl.” James tried to bite back his anger and jealousy from tipping into his words.
“Excuse me? Why’s that?” Regulus squinted his eyes together.
“She's not into- She wouldn’t be into you because she- she likes taller people, you’re not her type. She also only likes brown eyes.” James lied, suddenly angry at himself for almost giving out Marlene’s secret.
Regulus smiled mischievously, “Okay. Well, lucky for me, she’s not my girl.” ‘My’? James felt the heat rush to his cheeks. He wanted to fight someone. ‘My girl’ what the fuck does that mean? ‘My girl’ she’s not his…. He’s not hers, James can’t let him be hers because he’s already his. Well, he’s never actually been his has he? He’s more her’s than he’s ever been his. James felt angry jealous tears fighting their way to his eyes.
“Well, she’s not anyone's girl, is she? Definitely not yours.” James seethed while biting back tears. James wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. He wanted to tell Regulus to never go near him again, to leave his life and let him go back to how he was before him… how was he before him? Was there a before him? Is there even such a thing as James not having Regulus? James wanted to run off and become a recluse…. Maybe Reggie might want to run off and be a recluse with him. James wants to take him far away from here, far away from her. He can’t be hers, he’s meant to be his. How could he not be his? Was it not supposed to end in them?
James fought the urge to rub at his eyes.
—---------------------------
Regulus~
“Well, she’s not anyone's girl, is she? Definitely not yours.” James rolled his eyes, brushing Regulus off.
Regulus felt his heart contrap. ‘Definitely not yours’ Godrick, if only he knew. Does he know? Is that why he said it? Does he know just how much he means to him? Is this his way of telling him he knows and telling him to fuck off?
No… no, he wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t do everything he does for him if he wanted him to go. This morning? Was it a goodbye? A nice exit? Is that all this is?
No, no that can’t happen. The sun can’t just stop rising. That doesn’t happen. The sun has to shine… but it will still shine, won’t it? Just not on Regulus.
Regulus felt the tears race to his eyes, he had to make his exit before James could do it first. “Whatever. Go fuck yourself, Potter.” Regulus turned on his heels to stomp off but looked over his shoulder once more, “You can calm the fuck down too, I’m not going for your mate. My girl’s Emmeline.” Regulus stormed off.
Emmeline? He had no idea where it’d come from, he’d just gotten so angry and she was the first name he could justify using. He felt the tears stream down his cheeks before he could even begin to think about stopping them.