Chapter 15
Evan ~
They’d all gotten back to the Potter Manor 4 hours ago, Evan went to bed 3 hours ago, so why the hell is he still here counting the mosaic tiles on the roof. He knows the reason of course; Barty. Barty and Elias. Barty and that girl he was flirting with at the party. Barty and that boy he walked into a laundry room with. Barty and everyone but Evan. It’s been killing him. It’s times like these he wishes he could just pluck someone out of his memory. Just run through his memory to the moment they’d first come into it and force them to walk the other way. Oh, but Barty he could never pluck out, even if he had the ability to. It just sucked because Barty held such a big part in his memory, for Godricks sake, he’d been there since Evan was 9. It’s impossible to avoid the parts of his memory Barty lives in, not when he lives in so much of it. But, what Evan can do, is find one of the very limited gaps in which Barty isn’t and camp out there for the night. Problem is, his mind decided to exile all those gaps, forcing Evan to see Barty and only Barty. Barty lives in so much of his memory but Evan’s memory is unreliable because in those memories Barty looks at him like he means something, like he couldn’t do without him. Sucks when the only place Barty can’t go on without Evan is in Evan’s mind.
Evan was on his 16th round of counting the tiles when his door opened. For a second he was convinced he was still high and his mind was just projecting the images of Barty into the room. But Barty had the rare look of guilt in his eyes, not even Evan’s mind could trick that out, it hadn't seen it enough. Barty closed the door behind him and leaned against it lightly, staring at Evan expectantly.
“Can I come in?” He asked.
“Bit late to ask that.” Evan scoffed.
“I meant… can I come over there, you know, with you.” Barty stuttered over his words, eyeing Evan cautiously. Evan nodded, not trusting his voice enough to answer. Barty sat down on the bed next to Evan, shuffling close to him but leaving a small gap between them. They both laid flat on their backs, staring at the mosaic tiles. Evan wondered if he was counting them too. “Ev?” Barty asked out to the darkness.
“Yeah?” Even Evan heard the croak in his voice.
“What do you like about me?”
“Why?”
“Because I want to know.”
Evan felt like this was some kind of trap but decided to give into Barty’s drunken dronings. “Everything. There’s nothing I don’t like.”
“What do you like about him?”
“Amos?”
“Yeah.”
“Well… I guess he’s cool? He’s nice too.” Evan replied not knowing what he wanted to hear.
“Aren’t I cool and nice?” Barty was clearly still off his head.
“I never said you weren’t.”
“Yeah but… why are you with him if he has what I have? I clearly have more than him, I have everything.” Barty said proudly.
“I don’t know how to answer that.”
“Why are you with him?” Barty asked again.
“Why does it matter?”
“I don’t know, Ev. It’s just- If I was dating someone, you know? I’d have like- reasons? You don’t have any.” Barty slurred matter of factly.
Evan was never opposed to lying, granted, he didn’t love it the way Barty did where he got off on confusing everyone. But he didn’t hate it. Evan lies a lot, but never to the people that matter. Lying to Barty felt like being stabbed repeatedly. “I’m not with him… not really.”
“What? But you said-”
“I lied, I tend to do that.”
“But never to me.” Barty sounded somewhere between wonder and hurt.
“Never to you…” Evan admitted.
“Why?” Barty asked.
“What do you mean ‘why’?”
“Why’d you lie?” Barty stumbled over his words.
“I… It’s complicated… but a part of it was I wanted to win the bet… so, enter Amos? I promised him part of the winnings.” Evan admitted.
“But why? Evie, you could’ve just asked me… I could’ve helped you win too… I count too.” Barty’s voice was slurred but soft.
“You asked Elias first.” Evan defended.
“Because you said that thing- you know? That thing about- about the random dude you were going to get with. You said that, remember? I did what I had to do, Evie.” Barty’s voice sounded desperate.
“Yeah, I remember… but, I did that because I thought you’d just go and get with some random person. I did what I had to do.” Evan retorted.
“I wouldn’t do that.”
“But, you would.” Evan felt the bitterness in his tone. Barty moved onto his stomach and leaned up on his arms looking down at Evan.
“Why would you do it, Ev?” Barty asked, betrayal on his lips.
“Do what?”
“That day you and Amos ‘got together’,” Barty put dramatic finger quotes up, adding an eyeroll. “You came in smiling… you were smiling at me… Evie, you were so happy. You came and sat next to me and- and you were so close to me… you were smiling at me. Why’d you do that? You smiled so happy- happily at me. Why’d you smile at me the way you did just to tell me you’re with him.” Barty croaked.
“Why do you care so much about this?” Evan deflected.
“Cause- Because I wanted it to be me. I wanted you to ask me, Ev. But now you’ve asked Amos. And you know what? Now I’m going to have to act like I like Elias forever because you’re gonna marry Amos and I can’t let you win. I can’t let you win this, Ev. That’s not fair. You don’t get to win this, not anymore.” Barty sniffled, being far too honest in his drunken state.
Evan finally looked back at Barty, and that was it. One look. That’s what he could do to him. The floodgates are open and there’s no going back. “Do you want the truth?”
“I thought we were already doing that?” Barty sounded hurt but was being so gentle.
“I was going to end it all tomorrow, we only kept it on for a day- less than a day. I couldn’t even kiss him.” Evan admitted.
“Then be with me. If you were going to end it anyways, then fuck the bet and be with me. I’ll pay Amos. Do you want me to pay him? I’ll fix it all, Evie. Please.” Barty’s voice caught in his throat. “Please Ev, I need you… you know, I need you and I know you need me. We need each other, Evie. We’ve always needed each other.” Barty pleaded. Evan’s heart ached. Of course Barty says exactly what he’s been dying to hear. Of course he does it while drunk. Words. Stupid, stupid words. Why do they move him the way they do?
“You’re drunk, Bartemius. I’m not going to trust anything you say, it doesn’t feel real.” Evan ended, looking back up to the mosaics.
“Evan, look at me, please. I promise I’m telling the truth, I swear I am.” Barty swore.
“Barty, if you mean it all, then- then you’ll wait for tomorrow. If you really meant any of this you’d wait for tomorrow and ask me tomorrow.” Evan’s voice shook. He knew Barty wouldn’t come to him tomorrow, he’d sleep the night then wake up tomorrow and pretend this never happened.
“Evan, I do mean it but I can’t wait for tomorrow.”
“Why not? You know you’re not gonna ask me sober?” Evan scoffed.
“No, I am. But, Ev, I can’t sit here all night and wait for it. I can’t lay here with you, knowing you know what I feel and not be able to do anything about it. I can’t do that, Evan.” Barty explained, his voice cracking.
Evan’s limbs moved before he could register what he was doing. One second he’s staring up at the mosaics, next he’s pulling Barty into his arms and letting him lay on his chest. “Can you just take this? Just for tonight?” Evan whispered, running his fingers up and down Barty’s back.
Barty buried his face into Evan’s chest, “Yeah, anything you want from me, Evie. But… If I ask you tomorrow… you’ll say yes?” Barty hesitated.
“Can I tell you something?” Evan asked, pulling Barty closer.
“Mhm.” Barty nodded against Evan’s chest.
“I’ve-” Evan felt the words catch in his throat. He couldn’t help but hesitate, telling Barty this would be exposing his all to him. Barty knows Evan but he’s never known this, there's always been a piece of Evan he didn’t know. If Evan tells him… then he’ll really know him. The concept of being known by Barty is terrifying. Evan lets himself think on it for a second. Being known by Barty would ruin him, he’d begin to depend on the fact that if everyone else misunderstood him, Barty wouldn’t. That doesn’t sound horrible but truly, it’s terrifying. One day Evan might tire him and knowing him would wear him down and he’d long to give away his knowledge. Evan can’t handle Barty wanting to give it away. Barty splayed his hand out on Evan’s chest, drawing small patterns with his finger. It was such a small movement but it calmed him. Barty calmed him. Barty may leave one day but he’ll live in Evan’s memories and if he leaves… well, Evan will live there too. He’ll live there and he’ll never leave. “I’ve loved you since I was 13… I would’ve said yes back then and I’ll say yes tomorrow.” Evan promised.
Barty scoffed, “No way you liked me all the way back then, you’re lying.”
“No, no, it’s true.”
“Is not.”
“It is.”
“Prove it.” Barty dared.
“How am I meant to prove that 13 year old me, love 13 year old you?” Evan laughed.
“Tell me about it. I wanna hear it all, Evie.” Barty’s breath grazed Evan’s neck.
“Where do you want me to start?” Evan asked.
“The start.”
“That’s very subjective.”
“Well, tell me where you think the start was.” Barty decided.
“Okay, well for me, the start is like- the actual start.” Evan explained.
“What do you mean?”
“When we first met. Do you really want me to go back that far?”
“Yes. I wanna hear it all.” Barty affirmed.
“Well, the start’s rather pathetic. You were my first friend, Barty… Did you know that?” Evan asked, tracing his fingers up Barty’s spine.
“No.” Barty’s voice came out shrill.
“Well, you were. I never had friends, only Pandora but they’re my twin. So, I guess that doesn’t count. You really were my first friend… no one else really liked me, they were just scared of me.”
“Scared of you? You were short and skinny when we were kids.” Barty laughed.
“Yeah, I was. But, well- people used to pick on Pandora, called them strange. Granted me and Dora weren’t exactly the most normal of the bunch but still. Anytime anyone made them cry, even if they were just the tiniest bit sad… Well, I had the tendency to blow up. It wasn’t really my fault, Mum always told me to take care of Dora, she used to say people like Pandora were different and other people were scared of difference because they didn’t understand it. She used to tell me that they’d try to hurt Dora, to take away their differences, to make them the same as everyone else and that they’d always do it for the rest of our lives. So, I guess I took that as whenever anyone hurt Dora I had to hurt them… you don’t make a lot of friends if you’ve hit everyone else on the playground.” Evan explained.
“That’s stupid. Kids are stupid.” Barty rolled his eyes.
“Oh, but you weren’t stupid.” Evan smiled. “You weren’t scared… if anything it made you come to me.” Evan couldn’t help but laugh. Barty was a chaos demon as a kid, still is. “I remember the first time you came to me I thought you were there to insult Dora, I was ready to kick your ass.”
“Oh please, I would’ve smoked you.” Barty joked.
“Mhm, probably. Do you remember when I punched Xeno Lovegood?”
“Yeah, we were 10 and he called Dora slow.” Barty said with a bite to his tone.
“Yeah, then I punched the crap out of him. That was the first time you ever saw me hit someone… I thought you were gonna run away.” Evan smiled into Barty's hair. “Do you remember what you did?”
“No.”
“Xeno’s friend- Tamesworth I think it was? Yeah, he picked him up and ran off with him… you got up and yelled after them ‘Yeah that’s right, run away! He’s deranged! He’ll murder you and no one would even care because you have a weird forehead!’” Barty bellowed out a laugh.
“Oh Godrick, did I really say that?” He laughed against Evan’s chest.
“Oh yeah, and more. You ran back over to me and fist bumped me, you called me awesome… I think I told my Mum that story over 50 times.” Evan smiled fondly. “You didn’t even know it, Barty. You meant… you meant everything to me. I spent every day I wasn’t with you thinking about what’d I’d do the next time I was with you. I always thought that having a friend would be like what it was to have Dora but… you were nothing like that. I never knew what having a friend would be like, not until you.” Barty snuggled in closer to Evan. “Except then Hogwarts started… and we met Regulus and then Dorcas. Merlin, it took me two years to realise you weren’t the same as them. It took me two years to realise I’m not meant to long for a friend the way I longed for you. When I looked at Regulus and Dorcas… well, I never wanted to do the things I wanted when I looked at you. I remember the day I realised I loved you… Merlin, you were sitting in the common room flirting with Vanessa Monolith. I remember sitting there and thinking, ‘I wish I could just go over there and pull him away from her… maybe kiss him just to get her to back off and know her place.’”
“Subtle.” Barty laughed, pressing himself closer to Evan. “Sono tutto tuo.”
“Yeah, real subtle. Thing is, that’s not what made it click. I remember thinking like, ‘Shit, that’s a little weird.’ then watching Regulus and Dorcas and thinking about kissing them.” Barty’s grip on Evan tightened. “That’s when it clicked, thinking it felt like thinking of kissing a family member. It felt wrong. But thinking about you…”
“It felt good?”
“Perfect.”
Barty pulled the blanket up over them, snuggling in closer to Evan, “I’m gonna go to bed, If I sleep now, tomorrow will come faster and I can tell you I love you and you’ll believe me.” Barty pressed a light kiss to Evan’s cheek. “Goodnight, Amore mio.” Barty whispered by his ear.
Barty drifted off in Evan’s arms, when Evan was sure he’d been asleep, he placed a kiss on his forehead, “I love you. I’ve always loved you. I’ll keep loving you till my heart gives out, even then I’ll find a way. I’ll always find a way to love you.” Evan promised, holding him tighter. Barty won’t ask him tomorrow. Barty won’t ever ask him. But, Evan will have tonight to hold in his mind forever. This one. This is the memory he’ll live in.
_____________________________________________
Barty~
Morning has never come slower. Barty quite literally had a dream about sitting in a blank room watching a clock. The universe was teasing him, Fottuta fica. If Barty ever sees a clock that looks like that one in the dream, he’ll smash it over Lucius Malfoy’s head. Why Lucius? Because someone needs to be at blame for this and Lucius is looking mighty blamable.
The second Barty woke up, he shook Evan awake. Evan was a heavy sleeper, it was adorable. Adorableness aside, it took far too long to get him to wake up. Barty seriously considered pulling open his eyes and poking them.
“What the actual fuck do you want?” Evan threatened, slapping Barty’s hands away.
“Wake up.”
“Eat shit.”
“Evannnnnn, wake up.”
“Bartyyyy, escort yourself to a guillotine.” Godrick, Barty loved his mind.
“Please?”
“Fine.” Barty also loved how easily Evan listened to him. Evan rolled over onto his stomach, looking over at Barty. “What do you want?”
“You said I didn’t mean it, you told me I didn’t mean it but I did. Evan, I love you. I love you so fucking much, Mia amato. You didn’t believe me but I meant it. I wouldn’t lie about this Evan. Do you believe me now? I’ll tell you again and again until you believe me.”
“I believe you, Barty.” Evan said hesitantly.
“I want you, Evan. I need you.”
“How do you want me?” Evan asked, his voice dripping with uncertainty.
“I want you in any way you’ll let me have you. I want you in any way that’ll allow me to close the gap between your lips and my own, mia amato..” Barty leaned in closer to Evan.
Evan leaned into Barty. Barty finally stopped to look at him, letting his adrenalin take the backseat. Evan was beautiful. The pale morning light shone through the blinds, deepening his freckled brown skin, painting him into a modern renaissance. Michelangelo’s finest work - his David - couldn’t even begin to come close to Evan. Il mio Evan. Il mio amore. Mio caro. Mia cara. Mia amato.
Evan’s ghosted his hand above Barty’s waist, “Close it.” Barty didn’t waste any time, the second Evan let him, he crashed his lips into his, pushing him down to straddle his lap. With each kiss Barty promised more of himself to Evan.
“I love you, I love you so fucking much, mia amato.” Barty said in between each kiss.
Evan pulled Barty back, cupping his face between his hands, “I love you more than you’ll ever know.” Evan pulled him back down into him, deepening the kiss.
Evan’s kiss on his skin made him feel real.