Beautiful boy (Wolfstar) [ENG]

November 2nd, 1981

Loneliness was a word that Remus Lupin, since he was just a kid, understood completely. 

He would refer to loneliness when he was in that “children’s home” and had no one to be with. He would refer to loneliness when he couldn’t grow up with his parents, or when he had to survive all those years having that big secret. He was a werewolf, and as that, wolves always were referred to as lonely animals. It just made sense.

But when he woke up that morning, he thought that none of those moments would compare to these one.

They were dead. They were all dead. All his friends; James, Lily and Marelen, killed by one of their best friends since they were little kids in the first year of Hogwarts. He tried not to cry again while he closed his eyes, giving a last stare at the sleepy body next to him . 

He felt like a big hole was inside of him as he covered his entire body with the bed sheets, like a scared child. This was the price of winning the war? All the dead? All the memories? All the time wasted, and the one that was going to come?

His thoughts went again to Sirius. If Regulus didn't tell him the truth, he would probably be in Azkaban instead of that shitty little rat. He would have thought that Sirius was the impostor. Remus didn't know how to handle the feeling of what would have happened. Didn't even want to think of it. Because he imagined the poor Sirius there and he just wanted to throw up. It could have gotten worse. He could have woken up that morning betrayed by the wrong one, heartbroken and alone.

Remus decided to be strong for Sirius. Even if those were his friends also, James had a big place in the heart of Black. Lupin didn't really understand their friendship, all that confidence between both. He supposed that he always felt a bit jealous, because he wanted that also in his life, but years went by and he understood that it was a different relationship from the beginning and those two were destined to be the best of friends not in just one lifetime. 

So one of them had to be the sailor that didn't let the ship sink, even if it was difficult. Even if he didn't feel like it, he had to. He would not let Sirius be in more misery, not then, when the war was over. They all had enough of that, and now they had to open the new chapter in the book, even if other written pages were the best ones. They could be more now that they had the chance.

He got up from bed, quietly to not disturb Black’s sleeping time since so long, and started making breakfast for both of them, with the thought that it would be better to start preparing lunch. Not quite later, a white owl was stinging the side of the window. “shit, they are going to pay the fucking arrangement if they keep doing that” he mumbled as he opened the window and got the letter that the animal had tied up to his paw. He left it on the kitchen table, knowing with fear what the letter was for.

Another fucking funeral. The last one, he hoped, as he felt a lump in his throat. Their funerals.

Now there were coming better times. Voldemort had died and they won, even if it didn't feel like it. Too much lost in the way.

“Hey.” Sirius said to him, with a deep but not really intended voice while going out from the bedroom, without being able to stop staring at the white envelope.He walked past the room, directly going to Remus arms and hugging him as if it was going to be the last time. Lately it was always that feeling within the hugs and kisses.

 Remus wrapped his around Sirius' waist and hips, closing his eyes and smelling the beautiful natural perfume of his lover.

“Hey”, he replied, with a soft and calm voice. “Did I wake you up?”

Sirius nodded on his shoulder and whispered in his ear: “I had to do it anyway.”

They stayed quiet for a few minutes, at some point both of them moistening each other's pyjamas, quiet tears falling from their eyes and their hands wandering with a sweet tickle in the same place always.

“They’ll be happy wherever they are.Finally in peace.” Remus whispered, pulling Sirius even closer.

“Remus, there's no need for that. Really. I don't want to lie to myself, I just want to accept it and live for them. That's…That’s what they would want us to do. That’s what we should do, I believe.” Sirius answered as he breathed heavily.

“I’m sorry. I’m just really happy that you are here with me. You cannot imagine.”

Sirius hand met Remus’s, holding together between them. “I do. I really do.”

…

November 5th, 1981

It was quite a strange day for a funeral. A sunny day in November in England was really rare, but it was better than a typical rainy funeral from a romantic cringy American comedy, he thought. That bright sun reminded him of James' beautiful smile and that red colour that represented Lily not just in her hair but also in her personality. He would think about Marlene’s unique laugh when someone said something really stupid back then in Hogwarts, or in the way her eyes smiled when she saw her girlfriend Dorcas when she passed across her, letting slip romantic sighs with some clearly gay connotation.

Actually, he thought, it was a perfect day for their funeral. Because if something had to represent James, Lily and Marlene it would obviously be a sun. Something that even on an awful day as it was could cheer you up, even if it was just a little bit.

He entered the church with Sirius on his side, this one looking out for someone he could recognise beside the few wizards of the order that were left, like his brother or Mary.

Because as it was obvious, Regulus would be there. Even if he was kind of a dick, and followed his last name's orders to join Voldemort, he was able to change his mind and try to  help as much as possible. Remus couldn't really blame him, just knowing all the trauma that the Black’s family left on Sirius. In the end, he did what he felt like it was supposed to do, to help for a better future, losing all that he fought for one day. To try to save James and Lily by exposing Peter Pettigrew, that impostor.

How was he able to do that? To kill his friends? To kill James? His neighbour, the one who was always for him in everything, how could he betray him in that way? And live with it? With the knowledge that he was the reason why almost all of his friends were dead?

“Isn't it weird?” Sirius asked, pulling Remus away from his thoughts. “We were his closest friends but I almost don't know anyone. Most of them are probably just from the Order, I guess.”

They felt like complete strangers, walking slowly to the front seats and sitting there a few minutes. They wouldn't have liked it to be this way, Remus thought, almost imagining James  saying something really awkward for the moment, but that at the same time would make them all laugh.He turned around to tell it to Sirius when noticed that he was staring straight away at someone walking to them, with a cold and distant look.

“...Hello.” Regulus said with that formal and strong tone that usually suited the Black’s family perfectly. Remus looked at him in silence; it was not this time. Huge dark circles around his eyes, a pale skin tone that could be compared to the snow, with almost white thin lips.  He looked so fragile like an old cristal, but with a strong someone inside.

Remus caught himself feeling pity for the poor young Regulus for a second, when he realised that Sirius immediately standed up and went away, without even looking at his brother.

Remus kept silent, leaving room for him to sit and following his boyfriends steps past the exit door.

“You look tired”.

“We all are.” Regulus replied calmly, taking his black gloves slowly.

“Well, I know.” He stopped talking just for a second to breathe deeply. “But you, you look like…dead”.

Regulus stared now at him for the first time in the day with a close look, not wanting to skip over anything relevant. Remus challenged his gaze doing the same, like he did when Sirius would be mad and tried to know some secret Lupin was hiding. It wasn't something new, however Regulus seemed to have stronger power with this one than his brother. Maybe because he had more experience lately. Maybe because Regulus was more of a Black than his older brother was.

“I guess that it will take that bloody asshole a long time to thank me for saving the rest of his life from Azkaban.”

“You know how Sirius is. He feels betrayed.”

“I betrayed our family and all my life just to help him. Actually, I don't even know why you're not even upset with him.They thought you were the double-dealer.”

“I do not have the time for that now, Reggie.” Remus felt a lump in his throat, increasing his tone of voice and starting to feel a bit annoyed. He knew that, of course he knew. And it hurt a lot, but what would have he thought if Sirius went away for three months with a pack of werewolves that were on the side of Voldemort? Honestly, he didn't want to think about it a lot. Just in case he found an answer that he wouldn't like.

They both looked at the photos of their friends in front of them, with all the flowers and light candles near. There was a big one with all the Potter’s family; James, Lily and their little kid, Harry. On the other hand, there was one of Marlene in her Hogwarts years, probably the 5th one when she decided to get her hair done and cut it at the length of the end of her neck. Next to her, Dorcas Meadowes; the two lovers smiling and standing next to each other, but always with that daring look in their eyes that made Remus almost feel happy to see them like that, like they were right there, filtering with each other without caution.

 It was an unreal experience to be living.

“I heard that the toddler lived. I believe he was staying some days with the Weasleys as Lily’s sister didn't even want to come here, but…” Regulus kept going, changing the subject with a straight face. “...As far as I know, Sirius is his godfather, right? So you… You two are going to keep him, I suppose.”

“Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't even let Harry, son of James and Lily Potter, the one who saved us all, live for the rest of his life with that nasty aunt of his. And Sirius wouldn't let him there even if the one who must not be named showed up next to him and told him to do it. And also, Petunia was a pain in the ass even with Lily.Probably the most insufferable woman I've ever met, and I've never even talked to her.”

“Not all his life. Just until he’s grown up.”

“Well, exactly. I think that later in the evening Dumbledore will show up with Harry and let us take him home. When… When Sirius is calmed, you could come to meet him. You could even be the sassy rich single uncle that would be his favourite and only. We could give him the life none of us had and no more fucking trauma, I think even he had enough of that. And he's two, damn it.”

“Yeah… Sure.”

It was that moment when Remus realised that nowadays, talking to that 19 young Regulus was like talking to an old grouch man. He lost every piece of sparkle in his eyes, and he felt like he was in a bad dream, but awake. Inside of that body, there was just a kid, defeated by his own parents that made him the miserable thing he looked like now. All his teenage years were reduced to wasted time, for nothing. But at least also had a second chance, too.

“James would have really appreciated that you have come here today. He really… You know.” Remus tried to choose his words wisely.” He really liked you.”

“I don't think so, neither do I care. I’m here for Dorcas.  And you can stop acting like a fucking hero, for Merlin’s sake. It’s not a proper thing for you to do.”

“And you could stop acting like a fucking asshole for once in your stupid life, even if you like to act like a moron day after day just because you come from a family full of dickheads that just thinking about them makes me throw up. You are now free of them, you can be happy for once in your life. Get some sleep or just stay in your house eating ice cream and crying on your sofa, I don't fucking care as long as you can stop acting like an idiot.” Remus finally said getting up from the seat, angrier than he would have liked to be in that day. “Try to solve your problems with your brother, or you’ll end up alone. I’m giving you the chance to have at least some family that will take care of you, I promise that I will talk to Sirius to make things easier. Let me act like a fucking hero if I want and stop having such problems with helping others, and with being helped. Don’t act like you don't care about anything.” 

He followed Sirius steps minutes before to go outside, without letting Regulus reply to him and taking out a cigarette with anxious movements. 

He claimed to have stopped smoking, but he couldn't resist that bad habit in those moments of stress. He lit the cigarette and put it in his mouth, breathing and letting the smoke fill his lungs.

Lord give me patience, he thought, dealing with the Blacks was a difficult task most of the time, at the same time that he started muttering another pack of abuses to both of the brothers.

“It must be trying, I don't know how you can keep it up with the dumbest brothers I’ve ever met.” Said a female sweet voice next to him.A really known and missed one.

“Goodlord, Mary.” He threw away the cigarette and almost ran to hug her, surrounding with his arms the warm body of his friend.

They stayed like that for a while, and then Mary smiled with crying eyes. “Long time no see, right? How are you?”

“Well, as good as I can. But I’ve been fine, we’ve been fine.” Remus added Sirius in the phrase, not really sure with his answer. “And you? How have you been?”

“The same, I guess. I broke up with Fred a few months ago, I don't know if you remember him. I came back to England two months ago.”

“Yes, of course I do. He was the one that came for Christmas last year.” Mary nodded. “I’m so sorry.”

“No, it’s fine actually. I’m seeing this girl, Elena. She’s Spanish. I think it can end well this time.”

“Then they’re not that bad news, I’m glad you’re happy with her.” He smiled while putting his arm around her shoulder, missing the touch with his oldest friends. “We’ve missed you so much.”

“Me too, me too. I’m moving to London next month so we’ll see each other more. I won't let more time slip from my fingers.”

As Mary kept talking to Remus about all that happened to her in almost a year, he felt his heart filled with happiness again. Knowing that the old times weren't that far made him feel warm inside. It wouldn't be that difficult, for sure. Maybe it could work.