Vintage tee, brand new phone
High heels on cobblestones
When you are young, they assume you know nothing
When they first "met" at 14, Emma was this really shy girl trying to put on a facade to be liked by the others in her house, and Amelia was that really loud girl who would stand for anybody. Amelia had already come out as a lesbian while Emma was still in the closet. She knew she liked girls as well as boys but she heard people saying that this kind of things pass when you grow older, so she would believe them because she thought she was too young to know who she really was.
Sequin smile, black lipstick
Sensual politics
When you are young, they assume you know nothing
They first spoke in the end of 4th years. Emma was hiding because the other girls forced her to put on a dress and make up for the end of the year party and she hated it, she hated the way she looked in those. Amelia needed alone time because his brother got in trouble trying to defend her from homophobes and she felt guilty. Because usually she was the one being loud but this evening sher wasn't capable of fighting for herself and her brother got in trouble defending her. She looked stunning with her dress and make-up and Emma wished she could be as confident. Whithout having to tell her anything, Amelia knew, and she reassured her that she didn't need to put on a facade to please other, she didn't have to change herself to feel accepted. For the first time, Emma felt seen.
But I knew you
Dancin' in your Levi's
Drunk under a streetlight, I
The next year, at the first party of the year they found each other again. Emma was wearing jeans and a band shirt and she felt more confident than she ever had until then. Amelia complimented her and they spend the evening together, dancing, drinking alcohol Amelia stole from 7th years and talking. Amelia was the first person Emma opened up to, and while drunk Amelia confied the fear she had about getting her friends in trouble for her – while she put herself in trouble for them whithout even hesitating.
I knew you
Hand under my sweatshirt
Baby, kiss it better, I
They continued to meet secretly during 5th year, and Amelia would write to Emma everyday when she spent the hollidays at her family's. She would always return home for the holidays. Exept as the end of the year came closer, she noticed that Emma was becoming more and more quiet so she decided to stay at Hogwart with her. After pushing her to, Emma confessed that she fell in love and was afraid of it, because it was a girl (she didn't give a name). Amelia understood instantanely because, despite her bold facade, she never let anyone get to close. She was still afraid of loving, sometimes. They shared their first kiss the last day of the holidays, in a quasi-empty castle, in Amelia's empty dorm. Emma cried that night, and Amelia didn't sleep. Even after Emma calmed down and fell asleep. She watched her and enjoyed the rare sight because she knew she most likely wouldn't get to see it again soon. Because despite Amelia's reassuring words, Emma was still too afraid of herself
And when I felt like I was an old cardigan
Under someone's bed
You put me on and said I was your favorite
She tried tho. Even after school started again, she would pass her notes, or tell her reassuring words. They never spoke of their kiss but Amelia would always proclame her love for Emma when they were alone, in ways Emma could interpret as friendly if she couldn't face her true feelings. She would tell her she was her favorite person and all the things she loved about her, and she meant every single bit. It was Amelia's words that gave Emma enough confidence in herslef to try for the Quidditch team the next year.
A friend to all is a friend to none
Chase two girls, lose the one
When you are young, they assume you know nothin'
They fell appart during 6th year. After Emma was accepted on the Quidditch team, she would have less time, even if she tried to make herself available for Amelia. They saw each other less and less and one day, Amelia heard the rumors that Emma got a boyfriend, one of her teammate, a year older than them. She congrulated her with sad eyes and saw the tears in Emma's eyes when she did. She didn't press it, because it wasn't her place to force her to come out, but she knew she was with him only because people had been talking about how good of a couple they would make, because everyone wanted them together. Despite all the confidence Amelia gave her, Emma wasn't brave enough yet to stop pleasing her friends and familly. So Amelia kept quiet, she watched her love and her boyfriend hang out and keep her distance. But everytimes their eyes would meet, she saw the sadness and couldn't help crying herself to sleep, imagining how it could have been different. Emma and her boyfriend broke up after 3 months. He cheated on her apparently. It wasn't the break up who hurted, she didn't care, she didn't love him. It was the feeling of being replaced, and she knew what Amelia had felt during this 3 months. She understood the pain she had brought to the only one she truly loved and taht was what hurted the most.
But I knew you
Playing hide-and-seek and
Giving me your weekends, I
She would start hanging out more and more with amelia after the break up, like they used to, spending every chance she got with her, trying to make things right, like they should have been if she hadn't been so blinded by her desire to please other. Wanting to make people happy, she hurted the one person she never wanted to hurt. Amelia didn't blame her for it, of course, but Emma blamed herself everyday. One weekend, just before Amelia had to return home for the holidays, Emma finally found the confidence to tell her how she really felt. It was things Amelia already knew, but hearing them out loud, hearing Emma admit them made her heart explode with joy. She had the sense that she finally got her favorite person back. They couldn't be out, they knew it, but what they had was so important that they were fine with it being a secret if it mean they got to have each other. They would sneak in empty classroom instead of going to the hall to eat together, spend the night in Amelia's still empty dorm and sneak back in the morning. They would pass notes to each other when they walked by in the corridors or in class. They would whisper "I love you"s at the top of the astronomy tower, curled up together, with the moon being their only witness.
I knew you
Your heartbeat on the High Line
Once in 20 lifetimes, I
Sometimes they would imagine what their life could have been if things were different, if they could love each other openly, but most of the time they wouldn't put it as a "what if"s but rather as a "when". Because they planned to grow old loving each other and maybe one day they could be together, maybe one day their love wouldn't have to be a secret anymore. One day they would live together, one day they would have a familly, one day they would come home to each other.
And when I felt like I was an old cardigan
Under someone's bed
You put me on and said I was your favorite
During the end of 6th year, they healed each others in secret, they discovered what they really wanted and who the really were. They found a safe place in the other and it influenced how they were and acted in front of everyone too. Amelia learned to accept to be helped and to show vulnerability, Emma learned to act for herself and gained confidence in herself. They became the best version of themselves this year. Nobody knew how, nor why, it was their secret, but it made them stronger and sometimes they felt like they could conquere the world and, sometimes, the idea of being open about their relationship wasn't so far away anymore.
To kiss in cars and downtown bars
Was all we needed
You drew stars around my scars
But now I'm bleedin'
During summer break they would write non stop to each other, they would meet in secret. Amelia invited Emma multiple times to spend the rest of the hollidays with her and her parents but Emma always refused, saying sher couldn't, because despite all they did to her, she still loved her parents. One day though, they found out about their daughter love affair and the letters stopped. Amelia didn't get a goodbye, didn't get an explanation, didn't get anything, and she knew something was very wrong. She didn't know what, and that was what made it so difficult. She spend the 2 last weeks of the summer holidays wondering if Emma was okay, or if she was even alive. She didn't have anything to cling to, she couldn't even visit her, fearing that it would be worse if she did. So she spent these last 2 weeks curled up in her bed, praying for her love to be okay.
'Cause I knew you
Steppin' on the last train
Marked me like a bloodstain, I
At the train station, seeing Emma made her feel conflicted feelings. She was here, she was alive, she was here with her. But at the same time she knew the bruise on her arms she tried to hide, and the even bigger bruise on her heart. Emma stepped on the train, under the gaze of her parents, and Amelia didn't see her until they reached the castle. She knew at that time that the summer changed everything for them, and she wasn't sure they were strong enough to bring all the pieces together this time, but she would try. Because she would have given her life for Emma, and Emma would have given hers for Amelia
I knew you
Tried to change the ending
Peter losing Wendy, I
When Emma became captain of the Quidditch team this year, she used it as an excuse to avoid Amelia. Amelia tried, she really did, but as time passed she didn't have the force anymore. So she let her go. And when Amelia stopped trying, Emma would cry harder. She lost her all over again and couldn't do anything against it. Because she was scared, because she was scarred. She was losing herself, but it didn't matter when she knew Amelia was still there. Now that she wasn't, Emma didn't know how to even breathe.
I knew you
Leavin' like a father
Running like water, I
And when you are young, they assume you know nothing
During the christmas holidays was when she realised she had definitively lost herself. Amelia came back to her familly and Emma was left alone in the castle. She wandered around until her steps guided her to Amelia's room. She stumbled upon their pictures, their promised, the memories. She found her old diary and read about the person she was just the year before, realinsing she became entirely someone else. She showed up at Amelia's doorstep that night, after having run all day in the rain. Soaking, teary eyes, but it was still Amelia who looked the worst. Still for Emma she was as beautiful as ever. She knew she couldn't make it right this time, but she couldn't let her believe she forgotten the person she was, that had forgotten them. She kissed her, for the last time. She promised that one day she would be ready to give her all she deserved and Amelia promised she would always wait for her, as if she could do anything else anyway. Emma had become her whole world, of course she would wait for her until the end of times.
But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss
I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs
The smell of smoke would hang around this long
They didn't really speak at Hogwart for the rest of the year, but they would sadly smile at each other across the hall. Sad smiles filled with their Christmas promises. And even if they weren't together anymore, these looks held the only truth that matteres, that they would never be alone. That it didn't matter if it was in 1 or 30 years, in the end they would have it, their lifes together.
'Cause I knew everything when I was young
I knew I'd curse you for the longest time
After graduating they would keep in touch. Amelia would show up at Emma's games and Emma would keep herself informed of Amelia's success. They would write, sometimes, when they had something to say. Sometimes month passed without them exchanging a word but they knew that no matter how long they spent appart, they were always destined to find each other in the end. And one day, just one day after Amelia's last letter, the newspaper would announce her death. Emma couldn't believe it, because they were supposed to be together in the end. They weren't, it couldn't be the end. She cried, cursed Amelia for lying but most of all, she cursed herself for letting – once again – others take away what she should have had, cursed herself for letting the fear stopping her from spending her life with her one true love. She always thought she would have time, in the future, for her to love Amelia, for them, for their house, their family. But now it was the future, and Amelia wouldn't be in it anymore.
Chasin' shadows in the grocery line
I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired
And you'd be standin' in my front porch light
And I knew you'd come back to me
Emma started going insane, blaming herself too much to continue to live. She only existed, but never lived past Amelia's death. She would still see her, catch a glimpse of her hair on the street, see her smile behind her in the mirror, hear her voice in the crowd. She would visit her grave everyday, hoping for her lover to come back from it, or take her with her. She would tell her she was ready now, as if the universe would give her back if she could love her enough. She visited Amelia's house sometimes, surrounding her with what was left of Amelia's life.
You'd come back to me
And you'd come back to me
And you'd come back
Even after she met her husband, even after she had her kids, she would see Amelia everywhere. Because a part of her heart died when Amelia's stopped. She was still her favorite person, despite not being here anymore to hear it. Nobody knew who she was grieving exactly, she didn't tell anyone, but they srill tried to help her, they couldn't. Her husband knew she was still grieving her love when she married him but she didn't mind, even when she blamed herself for not giving him enough. He knew Emma loved him, but he also knew hde would never be the one she lost. He would prepare flowers to give to Amelia's grave, even if he never went with Emma when she went. It was her moment. These small gifts where a little "thanks" for the one who taught his wife how to love, how to be herself. He knew he would never take her place in Emma's heart and never tried to, he was just happy with the love she was ready to give him. And Emma loved him even more for that.
And when I felt like I was an old cardigan
Under someone's bed
You put me on and said I was your favorite
And maybe in the next lifetime, they could be together. Maybe in the next life, Emma could be able to hold her true love, to give her her heart like she deserved in this one. Maybe, in the next life, they would have enough time.