Our Visions Of Colours

Dorcas slammed the door shut and thought she might start to cry again. Halloween was getting closer way too fast.

Lucinda was banging on the door with a closed fist, yelling Dorcas’ name. It was useless, there was no way in hell that door would be opened.

Dorcas turned on her record player and drowned the knocking and kicking with some old record she couldn’t concentrate enough to remember the name of.

“Dorcas, come on!”, Lucinda tried again but got no answer.

Dorcas missed Barty.
That was a thought she never thought she’d have. But it was there in the back of her mind.

Barty the little shit.

The reason Dorcas was hiding, blasting music and clearly going insane with such unreasonable thoughts?

She was allergic to pumpkin. And refused to tell anyone about it, because allergies were weaknesses and no one could learn of any single weakness she could possibly have. The problem was that this close to halloween? Pumpkins were everywhere.

Lucinda kept slamming on the door for ten minutes longer. They were a stubborn one. “Fine, whatever!”, they yelled finally. “I’ll bring some up to you again!”
She was clearly… uhm, upset.

Dorcas exhaled with relief and slumped back against the wall.

She didn’t mean to be annoying it was just… she was allergic, you know.

Well, obviously Lucinda didn’t know, but still.

Dorcas closed her eyes and placed a hand above her heart, feeling it beat inside of her, slamming against her ribs.

Being allergic to pumpkin might be the most embarrassing thing about her, actually.

Dorcas closed her eyes and counted the seconds it took for her heart to calm down.

It was ridiculous to get this stressed over something so small.

Butterflies danced around in her mind, blood red and black.

❍

Remus was acting weirder than usual.

James had known the kid long enough to notice that. The poor boy was eating more, sleeping less, smiling less. Not at all, really.

Lily didn’t seem that worried. When James asked she said that he got like that sometimes. And that there was nothing to do but be there as much as possible and let him get through it best he wanted to.

She also made it very clear that she could handle it and he didn’t have to do anything but act like normal.

James wasn’t good at that. Backing away when people were in pain. He needed to help.

“Hey, Remus?”, he interrupted at the dinner table.

Their prank had been successful, no one knew it was them. Or, well, at least the professors didn’t have actual proof so far. So they were still walking free through the halls, no detention or anything.

“Yeah?” Remus turned to face him and raised an eyebrow.

“I’m kinda full, could you take some of my gravy?” James had heard somewhere that gravy made people tired and judging from the dark circles under Remus’ eyes he was in desperate need of some real sleep.

Remus looked confused, and suspicious, but he nodded slowly and lifted his plate so James could scrape over the gravy.

“Yeah, sure”, he said and then returned to the conversation he was participating in only through nods and half-assed listening.

James knew it wasn’t enough, but it was something to start with.

And that had to count for something, right?

❍

Remus was so tired. He could feel the ache and exhaustion in every single bone of his body.

Of course the full moon was on THE Halloween night.
Of course he couldn’t spend it with Lily like she’d been looking forward to.
Of course he’d be screaming in pain while other children went around trick or treating and partying.

“And it’s going to be a full moon!”, Sirius beamed, dragging a hand through her hair.
“Isn’t that amazing? Remus?”

Remus felt his blood boil, his jaw setting and anger flushing through his veins. What was wrong with this kid? Did he know? Did they suspect?

Remus threw a deadly look at Sirius and then got up and left before he did something stupid.

He needed to cool down, clearly.

And he obviously couldn’t go around telling Lily to cool down if he didn’t himself, it would be very hypocritical of him. So he left.

He opened and closed his fists as he went outside, the sky already dark.
Remus kept his eyes on the ground and refused to look up at the stars and, inevitably, the moon.

Why was Sirius so obsessed with the one thing that tortured Remus every month? Why did she have to bring it up all the time, and especially directed at Remus?

The grass was cold and wet, Remus’ sweater not enough to keep the cold wind out. He was freezing again, but there was no way he’d go inside right now.

He needed the fresh air and the space around him.
He knew Lily would come and find him in a while and he knew he’d despise the thought until she was actually there and then he’d feel like he never wanted her to leave. It had happened before. Often.

It was a wonder that she hadn’t left him.

Remus slumped down under a tree on a hill and pulled his knees up to his chest, hiding his face there, hands tangled into his hair.

The cold raindrops still covering the colorless grass seeped up through his jeans and froze his body to the core.

Remus didn’t like the rain, it made his body ache more than usual.

A bug crawled over his neck but he didn’t bother to brush it away. If it walked in through his ear and started to live there it was fine by him. Maybe then he’d actually be useful for once. Help someone or something instead of only killing and breaking things.

Most times Remus didn’t even know what he’d killed. He just woke up and his mouth and hands were covered in blood. He just hoped it wasn’t a human. Or a dog.

If he was completely honest he was scared. He was so scared he was shaking. It never got any easier no matter how many times it happened. But every time he looked in the mirror the monster that stared back just got worse and worse.

Remus didn’t want to be here anymore. At least at home he knew how to navigate the woods. Here it would be new territory. Remus didn’t know how he’d react to that.
What if he freaked out and killed a student?

Shivers broke out all over his body, his spine felt like it twisted in his back.

He wasn’t crying but he wasn’t far from it either. The tears lured there behind his eyes just waiting for him to break, to finally let them roll down his cheeks and cause invisible acid burns as they went.

There was no words when she sat down next to him. She didn’t have to say anything, most likely didn’t have
anything to say either.
She just sat there, head rested back against the tree, and looked up at the sky.

Remus didn’t look at her more than that first glance and kept his gaze down into the ground, watching the way the grass moved in the wind.

She seemed determined to force him to be the first one to talk because an hour later she was still sitting the exact same way, not a word over her lips.

Remus sighed and wrapped his arms around his legs, resting his head back against the tree just like she did. She was wearing a white dress, the crazy bastard.

“I’m sorry”, he whispered into the night. Lily didn’t move. She kept staring up at the sky and Remus gritted his teeth and did the same, following her gaze.

There were hundreds, if not thousands, of stars visible that night. And if there wasn’t a giant globe full of ugly craters in the middle of it Remus might’ve even admitted that it was beautiful.

“I’m sorry”, he said again, clearing his throat.

“Don’t be”, she said tonelessly.
Remus swallowed nervously and bit his lip so hard it hurt.

“I still am, though.”

Lily sighed heavily and scrunched up her nose.
“I forgive you”, she said.

Remus carefully let his left hand slip down into the grass between them.

“Why?”, he asked, watching her pale hand slide down into the grass right next to his. She was still staring up at the sky. She was so patient with him. With everything else she was always on the move, always rather explosive. But with Remus? She could sit still in the cold grass for hours, waiting for him to be ready to speak or move again.

“Why shouldn’t I?”
Remus closed the last distance between them and tangled their fingers together. She kept just the same pressure he did, not squeezing harder or leaving it motionless.

Remus didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t explain why he didn’t deserve her forgiveness, couldn’t explain that he was a monster and that she should stay far away from him.

It was the most selfish thing he’d ever done in his life, keeping her around knowing the danger he put her in.

But if he was destined to be a monster until he died, was it really that bad to do this one selfish thing?

If anything went wrong… well, he wouldn’t be without her for a second because wherever Lily went he would go too. If that was somewhere no one knew, then so be it.

And in the midst of his disgusting selfishness he knew. He knew that she’d forgive him if he was the cause of them ending up in that great unknown together.
Even if it took years for her to do so, she would eventually forgive him. It didn’t matter that he didn’t deserve it.

It didn’t matter that it was wrong and that he was an even worse person for letting her.

Remus was so unbelievably, eternally grateful that she would. Because it was Lily.
And Lily was a force.

A life force.

And if anything could weigh out the death in Remus, it was the life in Lily.

“Because I don’t deserve it”, he settled on finally. Lily sighed again, sadly this time.

“You think so little of yourself”, she stated. That floated around in the air for a long while. It was the truth so Remus couldn’t argue. And unless he told her everything, every little detail, it wouldn’t matter what he said to prove the opposite. Lily would always believe he deserved better, that he deserved more.
She was too good for him.

“Lily…”, Remus began but fell silent when Lily finally ripped her eyes from the sky and gave him one of her most fiery looks, full of determination.

“No. You know what? No. I don’t care if you have outbursts sometimes, I don’t care if you dislike or even hate the entire school, I don’t care if there’s things you don’t want to tell me. I’m not entitled to you, I know that…”

Remus opened his mouth to protest. You are entitled to me, he wanted to say but she simply continued over him, not listening in the slightest. It wasn’t Remus turn to talk. It was his turn to listen now.

“I am aware of that. But you know I’d do absolutely anything for you, no questions asked. If you randomly started to burn all of my dresses I would simply help you because I know you’d have a good reason for it. I could live in your sweaters for the rest of my life, I don’t care. But what I will not do is sit here and listen to you talk about yourself like this again.
Do you hear me?
If you’re going to start doing that again I will get up off my ass and leave. And I get that you hate yourself for some stupid reason, I understand that. And I get that you need to vent sometimes, I’m here for you for that. But you keep acting like you’re trying to scare me away. Like you’re trying to convince me to leave. And I won’t. I won’t leave you Remus, it’s absolutely useless for you to continue on like this. We could go inside and get a kitchen scissor each and cut the grass of this entire lawn and I’d honestly probably have fun just because I’d do it with you, but I refuse to listen to you drag yourself through the mud.
You act like you’re a creature that came from the gates of hell itself, but you’re not. You’re not, Remus. And I’m here for the long run, okay? You can’t scare me away. I won’t leave you ever. Not unless you stand your ground, look me in my eyes and scream at me that you’d rather I was dead than be your friend.”

She looked like she’d sooner fight Remus than ever budging on any of what she’d said.

There was care in her eyes. Care and a red, hot, glowing love. Only for Remus.

“Thank you”, he whispered. He wasn’t sure his voice would hold if he tried to speak any louder. He wasn’t sure he would be able to keep himself together if he tried to say anything more.

Lily only nodded and carefully squeezed his hand a little tighter.
“Good”, she said.

Remus gave her a weak smile and kept looking at her even when her gaze had returned to the sky. She was greater than the sky anyway.

Lily was a force strong enough to move galaxies.

❍

James and Sirius ran laughing down the stairs, recklessly enough to not care that they bumped into people throughout the whole staircase.

James was beaming. He’d missed Sirius so much the few weeks before school that they hadn’t seen each other. It was like… it was like it was easier to breathe with Sirius near, like James was slowly dying when they were apart.
Sirius was yelling at him, telling him to “come on” and “hurry up” like James wasn’t literally only like half a step behind.

James knew he’d be kinda sweaty and really warm if they kept on running like that but it was worth it because honestly? who cares?
It’s October, it’s Halloween and James and Sirius is running through the halls on their way to the kitchen.

It was dark outside, like proper full on pitch black. The moon was the only really visible thing in the sky, that and a couple of remarkably stubborn stars.

Remus had disappeared and Lily was nervous about it but also angry, he’d promised her they’d spend halloween together - apparently they had some tradition they did together.

She ran off to look for him a few hours ago and Peter followed along to help her.

Mary and Marlene were off somewhere outside and James had no idea where or why.
But it didn’t really matter anyway because Sirius was there with him.
And that was all that James really needed in life, his Sirius.

The stairs were moving under them as they ran, trying not to shriek of nervous delight over this unfamiliar occurrence that they still hadn’t gotten used to.

The steady sound of their shoes slamming into the stone under them started to sound like a melody in James’ head, like a familiar old song of his early childhood.

He didn’t know it then but that sound, shoes against stone and wheezing out of breath laughter, it was home.

-

Sirius didn’t stop even when they arrived at the kitchen, she just slammed into the door and stumbled right in.

The personnel didn’t even look up from what they were doing, they barely acknowledged Sirius at all, only this one old lady who pushed him aside as she rushed across the room with a big bowl of something green and red and orange. Salad, James guessed although it was hard to see. That lady was fast.

Sirius looked disoriented for a second and then grabbed James’ arm and pulled him inside, grinning with their pure winning charm.

The Sirius Charisma, as Effie used to say.
James missed her so much, but they sent letters to each other every week so it was mostly manageable. He’d only cried twice. A weaker man wouldn’t be able to admit that but James was not weak. He was many things, but never weak. He cried because he missed his mother and that was strong. He was scared of how Sirius would cope with this even greater stress she carried and that fear meant that he cared. He was worried sick about Remus and that worry was good.

James Potter was a very strong little boy.

He was also very hungry.
“You’re so slow”, Sirius complained while dragging him through the kitchen. James was already sweating of the heat from the ovens.

“Shall I remind you of that time…”, James begun but Sirius clamped their hand over his mouth so he couldn’t continue.

“Stop it with that!”, she said but James just grinned under her hand and licked her palm.

Sirius raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed. “A little saliva doesn’t scare me, honey”, he said and James rolled his eyes.

“You’ll be drooling in two seconds if you don’t let me go and find food”, James mumbled into Sirius’ palm but it was so muffled all that Sirius heard was a bunch of incoherent sounds.

“Whatever”, they said and let go of James’ mouth, “if I don’t find food in two seconds i’ll be drooling.”

James almost laughed out loud - almost.

“I’m unleashing you, beast, search up candy”, James declared and Sirius’ grin widened before he ran off fast as a weasel.

❍

Lily was running and she was pissed.
Peter’s wheezing breaths behind her and the grass under her shoes were the only things keeping her grounded in the moment.

He’d just left. Just left her and he hadn’t came back. She hadn’t seen him in thirteen hours and it was Halloween. He knew what that meant. He knew how much he was hurting her right now.

Lily wasn’t scared of change. Quite the contrary she actually enjoyed it.
It was always staying the same that scared her. She wanted things to shift and move and carry on.

But if you never listen back to that song you loved so much two years ago, how would you notice the way your music taste has changed? If you never stepped into the same room twice how would you know the comfort of a home?

Change couldn’t be properly appreciated without a couple of things staying the same.

And Remus has promised that they’d stay the same, him and her. Maybe not as people but the way they felt about each other. That would always stay the same.

Remus was Lily’s favorite song. She wanted to listen to him over and over again and notice the way he changed slightly over the years, how new melodies and sounds would be discovered the more she payed attention.
She couldn’t do that if they weren’t still close enough for her to hear him.

Remus was Lily’s home and she couldn’t lose it, not one of the only things that had ever made her feel safe.
That’s why this was important to her.

Lily and Remus met on Halloween when they were five years old. They were trick or treating. She was a ghost, he was a vampire. Something had gone wrong during the night and none of them could remember what anymore but they’d ended up in a staircase with mouths blue from candy, stains on their clothes and pink gum in their hair.

They’d met up at the same staircase every Halloween since, to eat blue candy and put pink gum in each others hair.
They’d stopped staining their clothes after a couple of years but the rest was still on.

And now it was late, they still hadn’t found any blue candy and Remus was gone without a single trace.

Lily was angry but behind the anger there was hurt and there was worry. He wouldn’t do this. Their tradition was almost more important to him than it was to her. He wouldn’t just disappear like this and leave her alone in a staircase. Not Remus.

Something had to be wrong.

❍

Remus finally let the tears fall. Rolling down his cheeks, burning his face with shame and fear. The woods were cold, the ground outside wet from the evening’s dewy atmosphere.

Remus wasn’t even wearing one of his sweaters, he didn’t want them to rip apart. The white t-shirt and grey underwear weren’t anywhere near enough for the last day of October but they were what he could afford to sacrifice.

Remus gritted his teeth and choked down a groan of pain, blinking violently and digging his fingertips into the wooden floor of the Shrieking Shack.

Madam Pomfrey had left an hour ago. All he had was the cold, the dusty building and his own aching bones.
He tried his best to stay quiet, even tried to fight it. He always did.

In the end it didn’t matter. It never did.

Remus screamed.

His spine moved in his back, making all of the muscles shift in it, while his hands split open in sharp cutting pain as claws grew out of him.

Remus screamed.

His head exploded into blazing pain when he slammed it against the floor to try to knock himself out before it was too late.

Remus screamed.

Fur growing out of his skin made his entire body itch, his limbs twisting and bending and bones breaking into the places of an animals.

Remus screamed.

His vision blurred and changed, his mind no longer his own and his body no longer human. Long fangs pressed themselves threw his gums, splitting his mouth open in several places and causing the taste of blood to cover his tongue.

Remus screamed.

And then there was no Remus left. He threw himself against the walls, claws ripping open the floor and teeth digging into the wood so hard splinters got stuck in his mouth. He growled, saliva dripping everywhere and eyes staring with the sharp gaze of a predator.

The wolf howled.

-