visions of childhood
James had always known about Sirius.
About what happened within the walls of the mansion. The mansion, the prison. Whichever wording you’d choose.
Sirius was crying. Violently sobbing. All salty tears and snot and wrinkled face. Her hands were shaking, her eyes swollen. The sounds that wretched themselves from his throat were heartbreaking, soul-twisting.
“I know. I know”, James mumbled.
He held Sirius through it all, hugging her tightly the way they liked. So tightly it almost hurt. James’ shirt was drenched.
“He’s… he’s all alone…”, she sobbed, hiccuping and drooling. James tangled his hand into Sirius’ hair and buried his face in her shoulder.
“I’m sorry”, Sirius cried, “I’m so sorry.”
James’ heart ached.
“For what?”, he asked and tried not to sound like he was in distress. “What are you sorry for?”
Sirius grabbed onto James’ shirt tighter and sobbed, screamed and cried. He was barely able to breathe, hyperventilating and spitting out the snot that ran into his mouth.
“For… for… everything, for Reggie and… and for this and…” and then she choked up again.
“Okay.” James kissed Sirius’ shoulder and breathed in the salty scent of them. “Okay, I hear you. I get it, as well as I possibly could.”
Sirius wrapped her legs around James’ waist and dug their nails into his back.
“Regulus will be okay. He’s going to be fine, just fine. It’s not your responsibility to take care of him anyway, and you’re not doing anything wrong, not a single thing. I promise.”
James had no idea what to say, really. He did his best but was always unsure of if he did it right or not.
“You know it is. It… it is my responsibility. And you… you know that.” Sirius clamped her arms down tighter on James’ shoulders.
“I know. I’m sorry, I know. But it also isn’t. He’s only a year younger than you, Sirius. It’s okay, it’s not on you.”
Sirius groaned out of frustration and sobbed harder, hurting James with her nails. They didn’t know he did of course, but nonetheless. James would have marks on him from it later, no doubt.
“IT IS ON ME!”, he finally screamed. James didn’t argue. He didn’t try to say anything in the same circles after that.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Sirius. I know. I do know.”
Sirius kept shaking like a leaf, sweating through her clothes and clinging on to James like he would die if he let go.
-
“I’m sorry”, Sirius mumbled while violently clearing his throat and rolling off of James. “I’m so sorry, you’re all wet and gross.”
James laughed quietly. Grabbed Sirius’ hand.
“That’s okay, Sirius. It’s okay.”
Sirius nodded and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.
“Okay”, she agreed. They were embarrassed. It was obvious. Ashamed.
“It’s okay, I mean it.”
“Yeah, fine, okay. Thanks.” Sirius wiped her face with yesterdays dirty laundry that lay at the foot of her bed and then changed from today’s t-shirt to the one he wore two days ago. Reusable clothing, you know.
James reached his hand through the curtains between their two beds and grabbed an old t-shirt of his own.
Peter and Remus were outside on the lawn in the cold with Marlene. Which was good for James and Sirius because their private moment was left private.
“It’s only been like a week”, James felt compelled to say.
“Worse has happened in less time”, Sirius muttered.
“Better has happened too”, James said and smiled carefully.
Sirius stayed silent, pretending to go through her clothes. And then she nodded.
“Yeah. Better has happened too.”
James exhaled and threw himself down on his back on Sirius’ bed. It had been a rough day. And it was barely even noon yet.
Sirius slumped down beside him and curled up along the length of his body.
“You’re a really good friend, you know that?”, Sirius said.
“So are you.”
James remembered many nights of laying exactly like that on his bed at home. His dad knew some of it, his mum a little bit more. They let Sirius sleep over as much as she wanted. A couple of times Regulus had been over too.
There had been long nights of Sirius sobbing, there had been nights where Sirius refused to say a single word and pretended like nothing and no one existed, there had even been nights of blasting music and dancing until they fell to the floor.
And… nights were Sirius were hurt. Physically and mentally. Everything. Those were the hardest ones.
“I want to meet Mary now. When do you think Marlene will let us meet Mary?”
James grinned and sighed.
“Never, probably.” He laughed and nudged the top of Sirius’ hair with his nose.
“It’s unfair! We know all of each other’s friends but she won’t tell us hers?”
“She’s allowed to have friends of her own”, James said.
“I know. I know and you’re right. I just… I was just thinking that since you and her have ur little thing going on and Pete’s a queer it’s only fair to introduce me to Mary.”
He shrugged and James burst out laughing so hard his throat hurt.
“Well you’ll just have to get your own new ‘friend’ and leave Marlene’s alone”, James joked and Sirius rolled her eyes and groaned frustratedly.
“It’s not fair though, Marlene just stumble upon Mary like the clumsy bastard she is and I have to actually put in effort?!”
“You’re so lazy!”
“Oh wow, here comes the morning person talking! ‘Hey, look at me, I’m James Potter, I get up early and bully my friends for being normal’ blah blah blah!”
James pushed Sirius off the bed and laughed at the screech of terror.
❍
Mary felt her heart race faster, her palms all sweaty and her hair hang over her face.
It was night. It was night just when she needed the sun the most.
She stumbled across the room to the window and tried to breathe, tried her absolute hardest.
Marlene had been gone the entire day. She hadn’t even said good morning before she’d disappeared with her boys. She wasn’t even back yet and it was against the rules to be out right now. Marlene was breaking the rules again. She and James and Sirius and Peter.
Mary was alone. Staring out of the window, hands gripping the windowsill so tightly it hurt.
All she could see was night sky. Clouds and stars and the moon. And no sun.
Mary felt like she was about to implode on the spot. She was about to throw up right out the window.
Mary pushed it open further and put her cold foot on the windowsill. She grabbed the frame of the window and pulled herself up on it, crouching within the square of light. Gasping for air. It was so dark everywhere. Not even the moon shone brightly enough.
She just needed a short little break. She needed to just sit there in the window until she could breathe properly again. Until the blood flushed through her veins at a normal pace and her heart stopped trying to break her ribs.
Mary’s nightgown fluttered in the wind, the cold breeze making the hair on her legs and arms raise straight up. Her thumbs hurt from holding on so tightly to make sure she wouldn’t fall.
In through the nose, out through the mouth. Hold. In through the nose, hold. Out through the mouth, hold.
Gasp, gasp, gasp, gasp.
“Mary!”
Oh no. Oh fuck.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
Mary was trying to answer but wasn’t allowed to as she was ruthlessly pulled down from the window and into a suffocating hug. Blonde hair pressed up against her face, pale arms around her shoulders.
“Let go”, Mary choked out and kicked Marlene away as she scrambled back against the wall and closed her eyes to keep breathing.
“Hey! Mary? Mary, breathe.”
Like she wasn’t fucking trying to.
“I don’t know what’s wrong”, Mary coughed out, the closest thing to an explanation she could get.
“Okay. That’s okay, just. Just get away from the window, would you?”
Mary didn’t have the energy to fight back so she just let herself be dragged off to bed, Marlene keeping close but not close enough to touch.
“You’re okay. We’re safe, you know that, right? I won’t let anything hurt you. I will protect you, remember? From everything.” Marlene had crouched down by the bed, hand laying open on the cover just in case Mary wanted to take it.
She didn’t.
Mary nodded and felt her breaths slowly, slowly, calm down. Not because of Marlene, although just the presence of Marlene was helpful, but because her body was too tired to keep gasping.
“I’m sorry”, she said, voice surprisingly steady. “I didn’t mean for it to be like that.”
Marlene wrinkled her eyebrows.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me this was going on? I could help you. I want to help you.”
“It’s not like what you think”, Mary breathed and closed her eyes, her whole body slowing down with every painful beat of her heart.
“No?”, Marlene asked skeptically.
“I’m fine. I am just having trouble breathing, I don’t know why. I needed some fresh air, that’s all.” Mary finally grabbed Marlene’s hand, carefully.
“Okay. Okay, I believe you. You wouldn’t lie to me”, Marlene decided.
And, no, Mary wouldn’t. Not unless it was important, and this wasn’t a lie. It was just not something she’d talked about. And that was different. There was a very important distinction.
“You’re okay Mary. You’re safe. It’s only you and me, remember? You and me - and maybe Lily too.”
Mary didn’t want Lily to be a part of their friendship. Mary wanted Marlene all to herself.
“I remember”, she mumbled.
“Good. Good, and I’ll stay with you here okay? Move over.”
Marlene pushed her way into Mary’s bed and crawled down under the covers, careful not to touch anything but Mary’s hand.
“You’re very cold, you don’t want to crawl under here with me?”, she asked.
Mary hesitated. And then she shook her head. “I’m good here, thank you.”
Because here, where she lay, was where the sun would reach first in this room.
Mary and the sun would reunite before anyone else got to touch either of them.
“Okay. I’ll be here for you, with you. All night. Okay? You and me.”
And Mary just nodded, squeezing Marlene’s hand.
❍
Lily woke up in an armchair in the common room. Someone had pulled a blanket over her and she was wearing one of Remus’ sweaters.
It was still early morning and no one should’ve been awake, but as Lily started to move where she sat curled up, sounds broke loose.
Someone walking through the room, whistling lightly.
“Would you shut up? Some of us are trying to sleep”, Lily muttered, annoyed.
“Oh, sorry. Didn’t realize anyone else was here.” The voice was male, young. One of the first years, maybe second. Not Remus, but it was familiar. One of those boys.
James.
“Do you ever sleep?”, Lily yawned and nuzzled up tighter in her armchair.
“Yes I do, in fact.” He was closer now, probably thinking they were about to have a conversation. Lily was way too tired to talk this early in the morning.
“Good. Go do that, then”, she said.
The boy laughed quietly and when Lily threw a glance at him he was smiling, sparkling.
“I would, but Peter snores.”
Lily rolled her eyes and then closed them again. She pulled the blanket up to her chin and pretended like she’d already fallen asleep.
He didn’t buy it.
Of course he didn’t.
“Why aren’t you in your dorm?”, he asked.
Lily sighed dramatically and glared at him.
“I fell asleep here.”
He chuckled and shrugged. “Do you want me to carry you up next time I find you here?”
Lily was about to snarl at him and chase him away but then she thought about the way her back and neck ached from being curled up like this and how she really didn’t want to move on her own.
“You know what? Yes. Please do”, she decided.
He grinned widely. All shining and warm.
“Okay!” He almost sounded excited.
“Don’t be weird about it”, she sighed.
The only reason she trusted him even remotely was because Remus had said some nice things about him. And Lily trusted Remus.
“Lily Evans, right? That’s your last name?”
They’d met before of course, in the train. But they’d only spent like fifteen minutes together there. And Lily had clung to Remus like a koala to a tree the entire time.
“Yeah, and you’re Potter. James Potter.”
He nodded like he was proud. Lily wondered how that felt. Being proud of the family you came from. She’d been the black sheep for a while now, especially in Petunia’s eyes. She drew shame to her family, apparently. And it’d gotten a million times worse since the letter came.
“Evans. I like that. James Evans.”
He quickly got silent when Lily gave him the most murderous look she’d ever managed to give someone.
“Don’t get any fucking ideas, okay?”, she snapped and he nodded with wide eyes.
“It’s okay. I like someone else anyway”, he sighed and she rolled her eyes.
She assumed it was that long-haired kiddo. Sirius. Remus liked Sirius the least because of a comment that he refused to tell Lily about.
She’d seen James and Sirius and they were very close, practically melted together.
“Good for you”, she muttered.
“Yeah”, he breathed. It seemed like he didn’t fully agree but didn’t disagree either.
She could understand that.
“Do you like anyone?”, he asked and Lily gave him another death stare.
“No.”
He put his hands up like she were threatening him with a gun and grinned again.
“Okay, then”, he chuckled. He was messy. All teeth when he smiled. Warm brown skin, dark eyes. Fluffy hair.
He quite literally… he was vibrant. A vibrant person. And Lily had to admit, against her will, that she could see why Remus got along with him.
Lily was messier of course. Her hair was like a birds nest at the moment, her face all freckled and her clothes always wrinkled.
She wasn’t vibrant like him, wasn’t warm. She was more of like… a plant. A tough one, like a dandelion. Growing through concrete.
That’s what it felt like, anyway. Like the world was concrete and she was fighting to push her way out of it against all odds.
Whatever it took.
-
Mary and Marlene didn’t come to breakfast. It was the weekend so they were probably still sleeping. But then they didn’t come to lunch either. And Lily started to wonder. She didn’t really know them but she knew that somehow in this messy world they were all connected now. Lily being attached to Remus who now was ‘friends’ with James, Peter and sort of Sirius who all three were attached to Marlene who was inseparable from Mary. And then there was Lily again being in the same dorm as those two.
Full circle.
Maybe it was stupid but it had only been two weeks and she was already missing when it was just her and Remus.
Them against the world.
Lily sighed and finished the meatballs she’d been eating, sitting next to some girl named Silinda.
She felt lonely. Remus had kissed the top of her hair and left the second he finished. She didn’t even remember where he said he was going. The library, maybe.
“Lily!”, someone shouted and Lily heard the sound of feet against stone as someone came running across the hall.
It was Emmeline Vance. Her blonde hair was loose except for a few small braids.
“Hi Emmeline”, Lily said and smiled carefully.
Emmeline just barged down on the bench, catching her breath and resting her forehead against Lily’s shoulder.
“God I really do need to run more, it takes me three seconds and then I can’t breathe”, she complained, and then backed up to look at Lily’s face.
“How’ve you been, love?”
Lily blinked, surprised. Love. Not even Lily’s mother called her that.
“Good. I’ve been good. What about you?” And that was all that was needed for Emmeline to go on a rant.
Apparently you had to solve some kind of a riddle to get into their tower and Emmeline was tired of it already, she’d had to sit on the top of the stairs until another student showed up to help her last night.
Lily laughed at that, and laughed even harder at Emmeline’s mock-offense.
“Here I come for support and you just laugh at me”, she complained and crossed her arms over her chest.
“If you wanted support without teasing I wouldn’t have come to me”, Lily informed and popped a grape into her mouth.
Emmeline rolled her eyes and smiled.
“Fine I’ll just go find Alice then. Or Dorcas.”
Lily placed a hand on her chest in mock-offense and then winked as Emmeline ruffled her hair before running off again.
Lily got up a second later and left the great hall to go find Remus.
She went to the library first. No sight of Remus, but Peter was there. All alone.
“Peter?”, she asked and he looked up from the paper he was writing on.
“Hi Lily”, he mumbled and went back to writing.
“Where’s the rest?” Lily nodded to the empty chairs around Peter.
“Off somewhere.” He shrugged. Lily scrunched her nose.
“Okay.” She didn’t know what to say now and Peter had already returned to writing again.
“You don’t care where they went?”, she asked finally and he sighed as he looked up again.
“I’m trying to write a letter. They’re not very good help for that.”
Lily nodded and turned to leave, realizing that she was probably annoying Peter as much as James had annoyed her that same morning.
“Wait!”, he called and Lily stopped and turned again.
He hesitated, visibly.
“It’s for my mum”, he said. Lily bit her lip and nodded. Okay. His mum. “Would you want to… sit here with me? While I write it?”
He sounded nervous and unsure. Lily really wanted to find Remus, but she knew that could take hours in this ridiculously massive castle.
“Yeah, sure.” She shrugged and slumped down into the chair next to Peter. He smiled carefully and started to write again.
Lily tapped her foot to the floor and then realized that might be annoying so she started to tap her finger against the table and then realized that that might be annoying too.
After several failed attempts at being still, a pen was pushed over to her. Peter nodded towards the paper he was writing on. Lily didn’t know Peter’s mum, she had nothing to say. So she started to doodle along the edges of the paper instead, her hair falling down to cover her face and the way she stuck her tongue out when she concentrated.
It was quite… nice. Sitting there in silence with Peter. He was a nice kid. It made Lily think of Mary, who had barely said a single word to Lily since their first introduction.
Lily had no idea what she’d done wrong. Marlene was more chatty, but she was also off with ‘her boys’, as Mary called them, a lot. And so Lily was usually alone in her bed or the common room or in the boys’ dorm with Remus.
Lily drew a bunch of flowers and skulls, future tattoos she would like to have, a couple of cigarettes, she tried to draw Peter but failed miserably because she honestly sucked at drawing, and then she drew a big, toothy grin.
Peter smiled the whole time.
“You’ve got pretty handwriting”, she said and Peter blushed and shrugged.
“Thanks. You’re good at drawing.”
They both knew that was a blatant lie but Lily thanked him anyway and started to draw on her own arm when she ran out of paper.
It helped a little against the ball of anxiety that ate at her stomach. She was stressed and she didn’t know why.
She was also extremely tired, but if she fell asleep now she would be up all night and that would come back to bite her ass tomorrow when the weekend was over again.
“Will you come with me up to the owl tower?”, Peter asked when he finished his letter and Lily’s answer came in the shape of standing up so fast the chair fell over and slammed into the floor with an echo that made several people hiss a unanimous “schushh”.
They ran out of the library giggling before anyone could come and yell at them, rushing through the halls like a two-bodied tornado.
Peter had to lead the way of course, because Lily didn’t know where the owls were, so she couldn’t race him unfortunately but that didn’t stop her from doing her absolute best to try.
The second Peter pointed out the last turn she was sprinting up the stairs and through the door, screeching triumphantly.
And slamming into someone so hard she bit her tongue and tasted blood. They fell to the floor and Lily got a flashback to that green-haired boy who’d ran into her all those days before.
The fact that it was now she who ran into this poor person didn’t stop her from scrambling up, ready to shout angrily.
The words died in her throat.
“Ouch! You’re worse than Marlene, that hurt!”, James Potter exclaimed.
“You going soft, James?”, another voice chuckled and Lily snapped her head around to see a long haired one grin with mischief.
Sirius Black.
Remus was there too, standing by an opening in the wall, a hole out to the sky and far below also the grounds.
“Lily”, he sighed and shook his head slowly.
He was joking of course, but that didn’t stop Lily from feeling like she had to defend herself.
“Don’t you ‘Lily’ me”, she snarled.
Remus grinned. He was very pretty when he grinned. He was pretty in general.
“Evans”, he said then, in the exact same tone as before.
Lily glared at him, fire in her eyes.
“What are you lot doing up here anyway?”, she asked sharply.
“Sending away James’ letter”, Sirius said and shrugged. “What are you doing here?”
“Keeping Peter company while he sends his”, she said, head tall and challenge glowing in her face.
“Peter? You found him!”, James beamed.
Peter came walking in through the door only moments later, letter in hand and breaths coming out heavy.
“Oh, hi”, he said and waved with the paper.
“Since when are you two hanging out?”, Remus asked carefully.
“Since now”, Lily said. She even put a hand on Peter’s shoulder to mark territory. If Remus were going to run around with this strange little pile of kids, well, then so would Lily.
“Okay”, he said and smiled. He seemed contempt. Stupid boy.
It was first then that Lily noticed a lack of Marlene in the room.
“Where’s Marlene?”
“Still in bed, I would suppose”, James said and Sirius rolled his eyes.
“She can never get up that one, always sleeping.”
Lily liked Marlene more already.
“Okay, then.”
James finished tying his letter to the leg of a poor owl and sent it away. It disappeared quickly out of the square hole in the wall.
Lily would’ve suggested calling instead but she knew the wizarding world wasn’t exactly familiar with the concept.
Peter stroked the hair out of his face with the back of his hand and gave his letter to James, who started to tie it around another owl’s leg.
“Well, summer is over”, Remus observed and Lily glared at him while Sirius started to laugh.
“You’re so lame - in a funny way of course, but still”, he said and Lily saw red.
She couldn’t really control it, that ease for anger. She was just… really protective. Maybe because no one really protected her the same way, maybe because one of the only things she felt she had left was pride, or maybe just simply because that was the way her brain was wired.
Either way she snapped at Sirius.
“Says you”, she snarled and they raised her eyebrows.
“Someone’s feisty.”
Lily hated him. She could feel a resentment build up inside her, a brick wall.
“Don’t you ever say that to me again”, she threatened.
Sirius’ eyebrows wrinkled as she looked over the situation and realized that Lily was serious.
“Okay, fine”, he agreed then and Lily stopped even looking at them.
“Oh, right, Marlene is bringing Mary tonight”, Peter announced and everyone’s eyes went to him.
“To do what?”, Lily craved to know.
“Peter…”, James sighed and Sirius lightly hit the back of Peter’s head.
“It’s nothing, really”, James said and smiled apologetically towards Lily.
“I want in”, she decided immediately.
“Merlin’s beard”, Sirius’ muttered and Lily thought that she might just push him out the hole in the wall.
“Why shouldn’t I? You four are going. Marlene and Mary are. What, am I supposed to just sit by myself in my dorm and stare at the ceiling? Maybe you haven’t understood this yet but me and Remus are a package deal. You have him you get me. That’s how it is.”
She stood her ground as the boys grumbled, all but Remus.
“She’s right. I won’t leave her outside of this. If Marlene is allowed to bring Mary then I am allowed to bring Lily”, he stated and Lily gave him a soft, grateful look.
“Fine”, Sirius’ muttered and Peter shrugged.
James just sighed and nodded. “Okay, then”, he said.
And so Lily was in. By pure willpower, the way she did most things. Because if she didn’t force her way through life herself, who would? If she wasn’t a dandelion, who would make sure whatever else she was survived?
The answer was no one.
❍
Mary clung to Marlene’s arm and tried to get her to go back to the dorm again. They’d been there the entire day, staring out of the window together, laying in bed and talking. Sleeping.
And now Mary was forced out of bed.
She wasn’t scared of breaking the rules or meeting new people, it wasn’t that. She just would much rather prefer to stay with Marlene in bed all night too.
“Come on, Mary, there’s no use in arguing. I am doing this and I don’t trust you to be alone in the dorm after yesterday. You’re coming with.”
“I explained it to you, it’s not like that. I just couldn’t breathe properly is all”, Mary protested.
“So? What if that happens again and I’m not there to help you? What if you climb up in the window and slip? You’re coming with me and I don’t want to argue anymore. It will be fun, come on.”
“Fine”, Mary snarled and stopped trying to drag Marlene back. “What are we even going to do?”
Marlene grinned and winked. “You’ll see.”
Mary sighed and followed in her nightgown and fluffy slippers, because according to Marlene it would be better if they were caught in those clothes than actual useful ones. “At least like this we can pretend we were sleepwalking”, she’d said.
Mary followed Marlene out of the portrait door where the fat lady was sleeping. They kept close to the walls and snuck further down the hall.
“Psst, Marlene”, a voice hissed and Mary saw a hand wave around a corner. Marlene pulled them both towards it, taking the corner closely and ending up in the same place as James, Peter, Sirius, Remus… and Lily.
Marlene frowned.
“What’s she doing here?”
“She’s with Remus”, James explained and Marlene sighed dramatically but let it slide.
“Fine, hi Lily”, she greeted and Lily put two fingers to her temple and then swung them out in a military form of hello.
Mary nodded to each and every one of them.
“Okay, so, here’s the plan. Sirius breaks open the locks, Remus glues the books to the shelves, me and Marlene flip over the furniture and glue them to the floor. Peter paints the floor where the furniture isn’t. Mary, you can help Peter. Lily, uh, keep lookout?”, James suggested.
The look Lily gave him was enough to make him rearrange the plan.
“Okay fine, Lily help Peter with the painting. Mary you’re lookout.”
Mary shook her head.
“No way”, she declared. “I refuse.”
James sighed exasperated and squeezed his eyes shut.
“Fine. Peter, you’re lookout. Mary and Lily paint the floor.” And before Peter could start arguing too, a click sounded and Sirius swung open the door to the classroom they stood outside with a triumphant grin.
“Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go”, James whispered and they all snuck inside, hearts thumping violently in their chests.
-
Mary didn’t understand why they couldn’t just flip the paint can upside down on the floor and leave it at that.
Her back hurt from crouching down with the paintbrush and it was a struggle to keep the white nightgown clean.
Sirius rummaged through chests and jars, unlocking where it was needed and grabbing whatever she wanted.
Mary understood that they were doing some kind of a prank, but outright theft felt a little overboard.
As if she’d heard Mary’s thoughts and seen her gaze, Sirius threw a look over their shoulder and whispered; “I’m not actually stealing, you know. It has a purpose.”
Mary shrugged like she didn’t care, and honestly she didn’t. It just seemed unnecessary.
Remus squeezed out strings of glue from a little tube and pressed the books into the shelves, making sure they would stick there.
James and Marlene were surprisingly effective in flipping the furniture and pouring out glue on the floor to press them down onto.
Peter stood with his face at the window in the door and Lily and Mary kept on painting the floor in Gryffindor colours.
Mary painted with the gold and Lily with the red. They didn’t attempt to create the lion, they simply made a mess on the floor, blending the colours and smushing them out best they could.
“Why are we even doing this?”, Lily asked after a while, hair in a messy ponytail and red paint stuck under her nails.
“We’re leaving our mark”, Sirius whispered and held up some kind of a gem to the light. It made her face all blue.
“They’ll just poof it all away, you know that right?”, Lily insisted and got more than one glare aimed at her.
“You’ll understand later”, Remus assured and then kept gluing stuck the last few books.
“Whatever”, Lily mumbled and painted the spots she missed. “Mary could we switch colours for a second?”
Mary didn’t mind and took the red paintbrush while giving away the golden one.
The whole floor was sticky and it was getting hard to move without getting paint somewhere it wasn’t supposed to be.
Lily started to paint the underside that was now the upside as it was one of the tables that James and Marlene had glued to the floor.
Mary didn’t see what it was she was painting at first but as they all started to finish up what they were doing, she noticed. A dandelion.
It was messy and quite ugly but there was no mistaking what it was. Mary didn’t understand the purpose but didn’t question it either.
“Okay, come on”, Remus whispered and they all started to move towards the door.
Everyone but Mary who hurried back for a few seconds to paint besides the dandelion.
She didn’t know why she did it. It was just an impulse that she couldn’t fight.
It only took a few seconds and then she was turning back again and leaving the room with the rest of them.
The cherries glowed red beside the dandelion.
-
Mary fought against the heavy sigh that tried to break lose when they all turned away from Gryffindor tower to sneak down somewhere else instead. She’d thought they were done with the prank, but apparently not.
They went down to the great hall. The stupidest place they could’ve ever thought to do anything in.
“Okay”, Sirius whispered and started to take out the stuff she’d stolen out of their pockets, “Remus, Marlene, you’re responsible for the glue. Put it on everything we ask you to. Mary, you’re lookout…”
“No”, Mary refused again. No way in hell.
“Fine, then”, he hissed, “James, your lookout. The rest of us are going to glue these things around where they’re the hardest to find, okay? Go!”
Everyone scattered. James didn’t argue for a second about being lookout.
Mary grabbed some of the erasers, jars, metal creations, that Sirius had stolen and began glueing them to the most discreet places she could find.
Sirius was a little more bold with the placements and Lily somehow even bolder. Sirius glued the blue gem she’d held up before under the table where the hourglasses full of small diamonds stood. Right under Ravenclaw’s hourglass.
Lily glued a pot of ink to the middle of the floor, completely visible.
Mary kept to the underside of the big tables, the walls and maybe to some decorations as well.
They were all insane. But at least Mary was among them, just as insane. Marlene winked at her when she came up to get glue on some weird metal thingie. Mary smiled.
Maybe this wasn’t so bad? As long as Mary was the only one Marlene winked at, maybe this could be okay?
As long as Marlene still liked Mary best.
“Okay, okay, now let’s go!”, Peter whispered when they were almost done.
Marlene put back the lid on her small pot of glue and threw it towards Remus who caught it perfectly.
James carried his glue himself and as soon as Sirius was done glueing a broach shaped like a star to the headmaster’s chair they were on their way.
Marlene grabbed Mary’s hand and pulled them through the halls faster, Lily right behind them.
Mary’s heart was beating fast, the blood rushing through her veins with adrenaline. This time it wasn’t as scary, though.
This time it was kind of exciting.
❍
Peter grinned as the girls ran away through the halls. James winked at him while Remus pulled out a knife. They had one last thing to do before leaving the great hall.
They all snuck up to where Sirius stood by the headmaster’s chair and Remus got down on his back to slide in under the chair, knife in hand.
The wood was easy to carve in, it seemed, because he was done fairly quickly and dragged himself out again with a grin in his scarred face.
James grabbed the knife next and slithered in under the chair, all teeth in his smile and all mischief in his eyes.
Sirius could barely even wait until James had gotten out from under the chair until she snatched the knife and crawled under themself too. It took longer for him than it had done for the other two and once Peter pulled himself in under he could see why.
The initials went in a stack, Remus’ at the top, James’ under and then Sirius’. And of course, right next to her initials there was a star carved.
Peter rolled his eyes and dug the knife in under Sirius’ initials. Carving was surprisingly easy and Peter was done within a minute, crawling out from under the chair and handing the knife back to Remus who quickly pocketed it again.
“Okay, then”, Remus whispered. “Train and school. Check. Now all that’s left is the people. That’s the real challenge, since we can’t physically mark them. We’ll have to do something else.”
“Something spectacular”, Sirius beamed.
They all grinned and laughed quietly as they left the great hall, James and Sirius going to hide the glue and the remains of the paint cans.
Remus and Peter snuck in through the portrait and up to their dorms, holding their breaths in tense silence the long hour it took before James and Sirius stumbled inside, laughing and bumping into each other.
❍
Sirius thought he might be born to die. Like there was nothing useful he could ever do within his life. Like she was born a symbol and was meant to die the same way that they were meant to be living.
Sirius didn’t want to live that way, though.
The howler came at breakfast. Blood red and nightmarish. Sirius knew it was meant for him before it even reached her.
James took her hand under the table and held it softly, squeezing it. Sirius closed his eyes and waited for the yelling to start, the public humiliation.
“Sirius Orion Black”, a voice started, strong and steady, not yelling but loud enough for the whole hall to hear. It was her dad’s. “You know why.”
And then it shredded itself into pieces and rained down onto the half-finished plate in front of Sirius.
Somehow it was worse than if she would’ve gotten screamed at for hours. Six words and that was all. Sirius thought he might throw up.
“I have to go”, they mumbled and let go of James’ hand, scrambling away from the table and aiming for the dorm. She didn’t care that they had class after breakfast. Didn’t care that they were about to see the reaction to what they’d done the night before.
She needed a nap.
The most frustrating thing about it was that it wasn’t even Sirius’ fault. She couldn’t decide what house they ended up in. He was proud of being a Gryffindor and there was nothing he could do to change it. They knew that. Her family knew that.
Their knowledge of it didn’t make their reaction better. Sirius was glad he wasn’t in the mansion right now.
James didn’t follow, thankfully. They had something special, something that let them move around each other like they could read each other’s thoughts.
And so Sirius stumbled into the dorm alone and didn’t even bother trying to reach the bed. She just lay down on the floor and curled up, head in hands and knees against chest.
Crying silently. Breathing deeply.
It had barely even gone two weeks.
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