Done
Sunday the 7th of May 1978
Hermione sighed as she looked down at the books which littered the coffee in table in the common room, her homework pushed to the side and her mind focused on other things.
Having Sirius in the know had been just as difficult as she thought it would be. When he wasn’t almost outing her secret and Marlene’s to the student body, he was sat in a corner frowning at something or avoiding her eye as though scared to look at her. Good. She was far too pissed off at him.
This was why she hadn’t wanted to tell him. Sirius ran his mouth far too much and didn’t seem to view trust as something that went both ways when he wanted to break it. At least he had Remus, who seemed unsure of where he stood with her and everyone else who was pissed off at Sirius, so instead spent him time carefully around Sirius and Edith.
There were many things she wanted to say, many things she wanted to do, but she took some sick joy in watching Sirius flinch and sit on edge for whatever was coming. It gave her more time to focus on other things and let the Sirius drama brew in the background.
Horcruxes were more important, providing no one heard anything and Regulus wasn’t caught or put in shit.
The end to the war could be over in a matter of seconds if she could get everything she needed, getting closer with every passing down that she could almost taste victory on the tip of her tongue. It was arrogant of her, she knew that, and nothing would really be over until they were destroyed and someone took Voldemort down, but it was the hope she clung to.
The diadem was partially dealt with, hidden by Benjy, who hopefully was keeping it safe. The rest littered in places that weren’t going to be easy to get inside without being cursed or thrown in Azkaban, if she was caught.
The locket and the diary were two big issues that would be hard to solve. So long as Regulus picked up on her hints then she could get it, but it rested on his shoulders; and the diary, where she had no idea where that rested outside of seeing it in the Chamber of Secrets so many years from now, and even that was blurry.
Destroyed by a basilisk fang, something she couldn’t get her hands on unless she tried to open the Chamber of Secrets or someone somewhere had one laying around. Which left fiendfyre – not something she could simply practice or cast unless she had control.
A groan left her mouth as she rubbed her eyes and tried to focus back on her studies, none of them interesting or held a flame in comparison to the war, future or any plans she had. Though they remained important to a small part of Hermione, and to her parents who would be so disappointed if she let her ‘excellent’ grades slip through the cracks.
With a sigh, she reach for her closest book and parchment, skimming her eyes over the words and trying to see what more she could add as James jumped over the back of the sofa, and placed a kiss on her cheek as his shoulder knocked into hers. “Hello beautiful sister.”
He had been too affectionate since the night with Sirius, bruised knuckles finally faded but the anger had not. Hermione hated it, hated being the cause for their slightly frosty relationship, but James refused to change until Sirius apologised for his behaviour – to Hermione and to Marlene.
“You’re in a good mood.” She muttered with a small smile.
“It comes and goes, what with everything going on.” He muttered, picking up a book and playing with the edge of a page as Hermione set her own essay on her lap and dug her teeth into her lip.
Eyes scanned the common room, finding Sirius once more, head bent over his work and eyes firmly kept forward but he was tense and alone, and despite her anger it hurt to see him like that. “You should talk to him.” Hermione whispered as she looked away and back to her brother.
“Not until he apologises.”
Loyal to a fault and hurt by the remarks of others. It was sweet and appreciated, but not right. “Jamie, what he said and did wasn’t personal in regards to you.”
“You’re my sister, Marlene’s a good friend, that does make it personal.” He spoke out, tone a bit cold as he cast a quick glare towards Sirius. Hermione sighed and leant back into the sofa, as he slumped beside her – looking decidedly less annoyed and instead more sad. “I can’t just let this go – not like Moony can, or Lily or even you.”
“I haven’t let it go.” James looked at her in surprise and disbelief. “He nearly sold Marlene and Regulus out -”
“And you too.”
“Yes, and me too – I’m not just forgiving and forgetting, and it’s going to take a little more than an apology this time.” Hermione mumbled, even as her heart squeezed in her chest, begging her to reconsider – like it couldn’t imagine being angry at him for more than a day.
Stupid.
Love had twisted her into someone else. Someone who wanted to cry and beg, ask Sirius why he would do that to her, ask him not to hate her and to forgive her, despite that she had seen this coming all along. Thankfully, her head remained unaffected, logical in every way and able to hold onto her own anger and morals.
James was watching her, saddened hazel eyes and a tawny hand placed on her shoulder that she did her best not to shake off, and instead offered him a knowing smile. “What I think though doesn’t apply to you.” His mouth opened to argue but she beat him too it. “He’s your best friend, a brother in a way – and he needs him and despite your anger, you need him too.”
He let out a small laugh and looked over at her like a parent might look at a child, like she wasn’t the one who was older than him, a hand messing up his hair further. “Lily said the same thing to me.”
“Maybe you should listen to your girlfriend then.” Hermione responded before sighing. “He did a stupid thing, because I waited so long to tell him, and he’s paying the price with those he hurt but I do understand that he felt hurt and in his anger thought he was doing the right thing – even if it backfired.”
Her eyes looked across the room once more, finding Sirius in a single second, and like he knew he was being watched, he looked up – silver eyes flashing with something unspoken before he looked away.
“Something was always going to push him over the edge.” She whispered as she looked back to James.
“Not doing a very good job at convincing me to let this go.” He scoffed out as he leaned back against the sofa, foot tapping against the rug.
“People react to things in certain ways, he lashes out and tries to punish those who hurt him, and I did hurt him by keeping it a secret, by practically forcing him into a relationship I knew he wasn’t really ready for and then keeping secrets – which means I have to take some responsibility for all of this.” Hermione admitted, it didn’t lessen the hurt but late at night it made it easier to deal with.
The whole situation was complicated. A messy maze that everyone was trying to navigate through but they kept making mistakes. Hermione and Sirius the worst of them all pushing and pulling each other away – almost trying to up the hurt they felt from each other.
Hermione could regret not telling him sooner, but she could also regret telling him. There were so many things she could do, and not enough. Nothing would take away the hurt and pain, not even an apology, and nothing would rid her of the sour guilt.
James let out his own sigh, bringing her back to present. “I’ll talk to him, but if he ever speaks about you like that again -”
“Then I’ll deal with him myself.” Hermione muttered as James gulped slightly. It made her smirk, seeing the fear and made her feel guilty that she had that reputation despite everything.
But she wasn’t going to hold back if Sirius did something stupid again. She could throw a punch and send a curse better than most, James knew that and so did Sirius, and she didn’t need someone doing it for her.
James shivered, a nervous laugh leaving him mouth before he forced the same kind crooked smile onto his lips. “So...what were you thinking about before I got here?”
“Horcruxes.” Hermione muttered, looked down at the table with a deep frown. “Where they could be.”
“I thought you already knew that.” James muttered back as he leaned forward, watching as Hermione grabbed a spare piece of parchment and a quill, scribbling down each Horcrux and it’s location with a deeper frown.
“I do for the most part but there’s one...the diary...I doubt it’s just laid in the chamber, that wouldn’t make sense, but…” Hermione spoke, crossing out the word chamber and tapping the quill against the table before sighing. “I have no idea where else it could be.”
“No clues in your brain or dreams?” James asked as Hermione shook her head.
“If there are then I can’t figure it out.”
“Maybe he carries it around with him, writes little notes about his day every night – hides it under his pillow -”
Hermione frowned as an image appeared in her minds eyes, Florish and Blotts, a bunch of redheads and an older man with pale blond hair, sneering down at them and herself – a rush of fear running through her. The words weren’t audible, and the image was like someone taking a picture with shaky hands, blurry and headache inducing.
A hissing breath left her mouth as she blinked it away, rubbing her temples. There was only one person she knew that looked like that, though he was younger now and his arrogance even worse, but his sneer remained the same.
“Or he left it with someone else…it makes so much sense now.” Hermione sighed out, writing down the name as James leaned close to watch. “In my dreams I was in Malfoy Manor, I thought it was just connected to Bellatrix and her torture but I realise now what Harry was trying to tell me.” She gasped out with a smile as James gulped.
He seemed to wrestle with the two ideas, which one he should talk about, but Hermione didn’t let her smile drop as she pointed to the name she had written, encouraging him to take the path that wouldn’t make her think too much about her dreams.
His eyes flickered down to her arm, the scar was barely there that even Hermione would have to squint to see it, half scribbled letters that hadn’t been finished and that no one but him and Lily had noticed, nor would they ever notice because Hermione kept it covered with long sleeves and away from observant eyes.
James sighed, looking away from her arm and to the name she was still pointing towards. “You mean to tell me that Voldy left his diary with Lucius Malfoy?”
“Think about it...if Bellatrix is his right hand then Malfoy would be his left.” Hermione explained, though something about it felt off, and it seemed James felt the same as he shifted in his seat and his face twisted into an uncomfortable expression.
“Wouldn’t that be...well…”
She didn’t need to know who he was going to say, or see his pity, instead she focused on the list. “Octans is too...unpredictable, he spent the past few years locked up, I doubt Voldemort trusts him with something like that – Malfoy has influence in the Minister but he’s also eager, he wouldn’t question if Voldemort was to give him something or tell him to do something.”
Yet, it felt like she was convincing herself more than him. The truth was that if Octans had the diary instead of Malfoy, then she wasn’t sure what she was going to do, not that she was sure now but it seemed more accessible through Malfoy. The future told her he had it, but the future she had seen snippets of, was now a different place.
There were new people involved it seemed. One’s that she wouldn’t be able to predict even if she had the whole picture laid out in front of her, but it would be a lot easier if she did. Fucking Dumbledore and his block.
“So what do we do?” James asked, fingers tapping on the back of the sofa.
“Figure out a plan and how to execute it without getting caught – and there is no ‘we’ by the way, you’re not getting involved in this.” Hermione added with a laugh, wagging her finger in his direction as a deep v formed between his eyebrows.
“I’m already involved.” He shot back.
“It’s different, this isn’t looking at some books, figuring out answers and putting it all together while in the relative safety of school, this is going out and risking everything – it’s dangerous and I don’t want you involved in that.” Hermione answered, any humour gone as she looked at her brother, seeing him a couple of years from now – eyes blank and glassy as they stared at nothing.
“You might be able to sprout that crap to Lily and Remus, but not to me.” James scoffed, but his eyes softened as he reached for her hand. “It’s me and you, we either do this together or we don’t do it at all.” He whispered and she wanted to damn him for being so loyal.
“Jamie -”
“I’m not letting you do this alone, Hermione.” He added, tone final as she blinked back at him. It was co-dependent for sure, she should let him go and just get on with the plan behind his back, but the selfish part of her wanted to cling onto him.
Which is what she did, but she would keep him safe as long as she could, end this war before it started taking her people, and if that meant James fighting by her side then she would do it.
…
Tuesday the 9th of May 1978
Hermione was turning into a cynical old woman.
Giggling groups of girls had always been something she rolled her eyes at in disgust, aggravated by even the slightest hitch in their tones as they gossiped about people or stared at their latest crush. Young, naive and far too annoying. Normally she would ignore them, continue down the hall onto her next class and allow them to blend into the surrounding area.
Now, she outright glared at them, lip curling into a sneer as she saw what had caught their eye.
Tall, handsome and popular, Remus and Sirius walked past her without a care of who might be looking at them or hoping to catch their eye. One still freshly single, and the other in some kind of possible relationship with Edith – neither of them interest in the young girls eyeing them up like a piece of meat.
“Don’t you have something better to do – like get to class?” Hermione snapped, the girls glaring back at her. She didn’t wait to hear their mumbles as she jogged to catch up with the boys. “Remus!” She all but shouted.
The man in question turned, facing her with wide eyes that made him look all too innocent and if not slightly adorable. He looked around, as though there was another Remus they knew and she was calling too – and Sirius...stood there frowning at the floor, not that she paid him more than a quick glance as she strode forward to stand before the werewolf.
“Hi?” Remus muttered out, more of a question than a greeting and she couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t like they had spoken much since everything blew up.
“Hi!” Hermione said back with a grin and probably too much enthusiasm. His eyes narrowed suspiciously, hand tightening on his bag. “I was hoping we could talk.” She added, grin falling slightly as Remus frowned and looked to Sirius.
“Hi to you too.” Sirius mumbled but she just sent him a quick look, one that was cold and had him looking away. “I guess I’m just going to…” He gestured behind him, the way they had been walking before Hermione appeared.
“Yeah, I think that’s best.” Hermione snapped out, voice like ice as Sirius flinched slightly but nodded his head and turned, leaving Hermione with a frowning Remus, who looked far too disappointed.
“Bit rude.”
Hermione ignored him, tucking her hand into his arm and walking slower until she could pull him to the side and offer him a more gentle smile. “I wanted to apologise.” His eyebrows rose nearly to his hairline and his mouth opened and closed. “Things have been weird between us and I don’t want to be like that – and in all honesty, I should have never put you in the position I did.” The words made her tongue feel heavy and her stomach clench.
“Hermione -”
“I never wanted it to seem like you had to choose between us.” She whispered out as he blinked down at her and frowned.
“There was never anything to choose between.” Her stomach clenched at his words, the earnest expression on his face and the kind green eyes. There had always been something to choose between, always someone in the middle, and as much as he denied it – this time it had been Remus.
Perhaps if this had been another time, when she was younger and more naive – before she had fallen for Sirius and could have made herself see someone like Remus, then the choice would have been her. Merlin, how much easier it would have been for all of them, and how much of a disaster it really was between them all.
Whatever she wished didn’t make a difference. She had fallen for Sirius, ignored what Remus felt and thrown herself down a hole she couldn’t get out of and Remus had found someone who cared and knew about him. Someone who would make him happy.
And Hermione was just the crush turned friend, who had hurt his best friend time and time again. She would never be the one Remus needed to stick beside, it hurt but she understood.
Remus’ hand landed softly on her shoulder as he bent down and looked over her face. “Hermione, you mean just as much to me as Sirius does, it was never a choice between you and I never argued with you because I was on his side but because I was doing what I thought was right.”
Remus’ moral compass was both admirable and annoying at times. Living in a constant state between what was right, wrong, black and white. It remained firm and unmoving, even when life got harder and the lines seemed more blurred.
He was kind, good and he deserved the best, even when he thought he didn’t. Even when he spent time trying to make up for what he was, like it was his fault – even when his friends made mistakes, he disapproved and scolded but believed them all to be on the right side. Believed them all to be as good and gracious as him.
Hermione wished she could see the world as clear cut as he could, instead of the varying shades of grey and the questionable things she could stand behind or did. Her life had never been so easy and her view was more skewed than she ever wanted to let on.
There were actions, reactions and consequences for everyone, and there were things that had to be done sometimes in order to get to where you needed to be or what you wanted. She was willing to do those things.
There were lives to protect, her own included, a future that she wanted to avoid, and a war raging outside. It was never going to be as easy as sticking as closely as you could to ‘good’. A time would come when they would have to fight fire with fire, take out a person to save the majority and risk their lives.
“Which is usually right.” Hermione mumbled as they began walking down the halls again.
“Maybe not this time.” Remus muttered back as Hermione turned to look at him with wide eyes. He sighed and adjusted the strap of his bag again. “I’m not an idiot to know that telling Sirius nearly ruined everything, and did ruin his relationships with half of his friends and maybe his brother.” He added with a deep frown. “The being said...”
Hermione frowned back, raising a finger and pushing the frown away as he blinked at her in surprise, words trailing away. Faint scars already marred his face, a couple of grey hairs had already appeared and he walked like he had the world on his shoulders – he didn’t need wrinkles too. Her hand pulled back as she glared forward. “I’m not forgiving him for this, Remus.”
“I’m not asking you to.” Remus exclaimed quickly.
“Then what are you asking?”
“Maybe to talk to him, hear him out and listen to his apology.” Remus mumbled, wincing slightly and his cheeks turning pink as Hermione’s jaw clenched slightly.
She stopped, turning to face him and glared up at him. “He’s had countless of time to apologise, to try and fix the mess he has made and he has done nothing but walk around looking sorry for himself.”
“I know that and he knows that – he’s just being stubborn.” Remus explained, rubbing his eyes and then sighing. “He knows he did something shit, but he’s being an arse who thinks you need to apologise too.” Hermione laughed then, bitter and confused as Remus winced and ran a hand down his tired face.
“I’m guessing because I kept something dangerous from him that could have been used against me and almost was used against me by my own ex-boyfriend.” Hermione laughed out, shaking her head and continuing down the halls with Remus jogging to catch up to her. “You shouldn’t be saying all of this for him, and I didn’t even come to hear this from you – if he wants to fix things then he has to do it himself.”
“But he can fix things?”
“Yes...no...maybe, at this moment I have no clue.” Hermione answered, even as her heart lurched and the lie threatened to crawl itself out of her throat and reveal itself.
“Alright, but we’re fine though?” Remus asked as Hermione frowned.
“We’ve never not been fine, Remus – and argument doesn’t change anything.” Hermione admitted softly as his cheeks turned slightly pink and he gave her a nervous smile. She knew what he was going to say before he even said it.
“Even with what I admitted?”
Years she had been aware, years she had ignored it – but the moment he told her how he had really felt there was nothing she could do but pretend it wasn’t there. How cruel she had been to him throughout the years, careless of his feelings and playing on them when she shouldn’t have.
Her mouth opened and closed as she tried to find something to say, anything to make this better and to make it not hurt or to ruin everything. “It doesn’t change anything between us, if that’s what you mean.” She spoke slowly, wincing slightly as she realised how many ways that could be taken. They were fine. She was rejecting him.
Yet, Remus didn’t flinch or look dejected, but instead amused as he ran a hand through his hair and gave her a small grin. “Wish you had told me that a few years ago.”
“Oh...shut up.”
“Breaking my heart, Potter.” He groaned dramatically, holding a hand to his chest as Hermione rolled her eyes and shoved him softly, her own smile playing at her lips.
“I’m sure your girlfriend will help heal the wound.” Hermione bit back, almost pushing him again as he flung a shoulder around her arm. Careless and smiling, it was nice to see instead of the usual broody expression he normal wore.
“And here I was thinking I might get two of Sirius ex’s.” He grinned as she did shove him again this time, ducking out from under his arm as she raised an eyebrow.
“Maybe you should set your sights on girls that Sirius hasn’t touched.” Hermione whispered as Remus scrunched up his nose.
“Might be looking for a while.” He teased before the smile fell as Hermione sucked in a deep breath. “Sorry – that was…”
“Something we all knew? Don’t worry about it.” It was the truth. She hadn’t been blind before she got in a relationship with Sirius, nor had she been innocent, and she wasn’t blind now. Sirius was a free man who had a right to do what he wanted to do, even if it made Hermione want to throw up and throttle him.
Remus sighed, slowing his walk as they got closer to their next class. Probably later than they should have been, but it hardly mattered. “Regardless of feelings or other shit, you know I’m always your friend, don’t you?”
“I know...plus it would be kind of shit to still be pining after my amazing self while with Edith.” Hermione tried for a joke as he rolled his eyes as she flicked her hair over her shoulder like Emmeline would. “Speaking of...”
A groan left his mouth and his eyes rolled almost to the back of his head. “We’re seeing each other.” He answered though, cheeks pinker than before and eyes brighter.
“Well we all know that, and it’s obvious you like her – but have you asked her out yet?” Hermione asked with a cheeky grin as Remus blushed even more and looked away from her. “Remus!”
“I did – I mean...we’re seeing -”
“That doesn’t make it official.” Hermione snorted out, rolling her eyes. Boys were stupid, it seemed, even the smartest of them all. “Remus, she knows you, she knows the worst things you have to hide and she knows the good...so stop waiting for whatever it is you’re waiting for and slap that label on her before she gets tired of waiting.” She added a grin at the end as her hand reached out to slap Remus’, his frown deepening.
“Does anybody ever tell you how annoying you are?” He mumbled more to himself than her as she shrugged her shoulders and continued walking. “I thought you hated Edith, anyway.”
“Hate is a very strong word – it was more a dislike that we got over.” Hermione explained but Remus gave her a pointed look. “Listen, Edith is great but I won’t lie and say her past with Sirius didn’t get to me, difference now though is that we both have a past with Sirius so I really have nothing I can be mad about.” She answered with a small smile as Remus cringed and looked away.
“We need to stop reminding me of that.” Remus muttered as Hermione laughed slightly.
“You brought it up before.” She remained him as he narrowed his eyes at her. “I’ll stop...if you confess your love and ask her to be your girlfriend.” She dragged out the words, holding her hands close to her chest as Remus glared, even as she gave him a toothy grin.
“How about I ask her that when you and Sirius sit down and have an honest conversation for once?”
“Remus.” Hermione sighed out as they stopped a few feet away from their class, the door still open and the gentle voices of students could be heard. “I know you mean well, but this is different – and I can’t just sit and speak with him about this and then pretend everything is fine when it’s not.” She tried to explain gently as Remus sighed.
“I know, and I – I just don’t know what to do.” He ran a hand over his tired face. “It’s just neither of you let people in...like after everything that has happened you keep everyone at arms length.” He shrugged and her eyes narrowed.
“I’m sorry if the backfiring of trying to trust me ex with my most important secret has made me closed off.” Her teeth gritted together and his eyes narrowed.
“I get that, I really do – but I’m referring to the fact that these past few weeks have had you walking round like some tight lipped zombie.” He commented softly, as though it would lessen the blow. “The only person you seem capable of trusting these days or letting in is James” Her brow furrowed and her hands clenched.
“Who’s my brother.” Hermione replied, raising her eyebrows. It was obvious to her why that was but it didn’t seem obvious to everyone else who expected things from her.
Remus sighed and gave her a look that just let her know he was about to say something deep and profound enough to make her stop. “Who’s the only person who has never let you down or made your regret trusting him.”
Hermione had always prided herself on her ability to keep her emotions at bay, or at least hidden behind a thick wall that only certain people could access. It was what was expected when growing up in a Pureblooded narcissistic household like the Black’s. Even years later, it was something she found herself doing.
Being with the Potter’s had changed her, sure, but it hadn’t made everything go away. Her family could read her because years of being together had given them all an insight into how everyone thought and felt. Her friends could read her when she wanted them to, in her moments of vulnerability.
But none of them were James...
She didn’t doubt her adopted parents loved her, and she loved them, they were her parents in everywhere except biologically, but she wasn’t blind either. Fleamont had taken a while to get used to her, a seven year old dropped into his garden, and she knew that even now he would look at her and see Octans. Euphemia was eager to take her in, treat her like one of her own and Hermione could never fault her for that.
Though it had been James who had really invited her in, who never saw her as anything but the big sister he got at the age of six. They had been inseparable for the majority of their lives, his support and love never wavering. He hadn’t just become a brother but a best friend, and she knew he would never leave even in her most angry moments.
And she loved her friends, even ones who no pissed her off to no end, and she was aware that keeping her secret would cause problems, but trusting them had come with a price, and even if they stuck by her side now, there were always moments where she felt as though...like she wasn’t enough.
Remus seemed to sense her taunting thoughts as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her into his side. “I know we’ve all, including you, have made mistakes – but we’re not going anywhere, none of us, so I’m here if you need to talk or you just need a friend.” He whispered into her ear as she blinked away the rapidly growing tears.
"Thank you." Her voice was but a whisper as she moved, wrapping her arms around his waist and holding him close as he gently hugged her back.
“I’ve got your back, and if you’re not ready to talk to him then don’t.” Remus whispered back, resting his head on top of hers. What a sight they must look like to everyone else, and there would be rumours swirling by the end of the day but she didn’t care.
A smile tugged at her mouth as she pulled away, nodding her head in agreement.
...
Friday the 12th of May 1978
The courtyard looked beautiful in the late afternoon sun, spreading shadows and flickerings of light across the grounds. Students sat chatting or they walked, soaking up the sun before it disappeared and the rain came back. Hermione walked looking for someone else, her stomach tied into knots and her mind running over all the things she could say.
It didn’t take her long to find him, sat against a stone pillar, throwing something in the air as his silver eyes stared at seemingly nothing, his jaw tense and his foot tapping on the ground. Something on his mind and she had a feeling what.
A part of her wanted to turn, to leave this alone and hope time and space would fix it all but she wasn’t so much of an idiot to believe that completely. Instead she stepped forward, clenching her hands at her sides and gently calling out to him.
“Sirius.”
His head snapped up, and for a moment his features softened as he took her in, mouth moving like it wanted to curl into a smile at seeing her, but then everything sharpened and his black brows slipped lower on his face, forming a deep v. It hurt more than she wanted to admit but she said nothing as he looked her over. “What do you want?”
“And here I was thinking you would come to me.” Hermione snapped back, venom slipping from her tongue as she tilted her head to the side. “I think it’s time we had a talk, don’t you?”
Like a switch he let out a laugh as she moved closer to stand before him, the object still being thrown in the air as he looked at her coldly. “Oh...you want to talk now – about how you didn’t trust me or how you kept this massive secret from me while everyone else know?” He asked with a cruel smile as she looked away.
His words stung but she refused to give in, to beg on her knees for him to forgive her, though she knew she was in the wrong in some regard, there was more at play than her secrets. “And you wonder why when you go and try and spill my secrets.” His face paled slightly as she bared her teeth. “So, no I no longer trust you not to be stupid and impulsivity reckless with other people.”
“You’re saying I’m impulsive?” He asked with a bitter laugh, his eyes flashing. “Great to know what you really think of me.”
“I think you’re an idiot, and I don’t think your worthy of my forgiveness or Marlene’s just yet.” She hissed out as he blinked back in shock, his mouth opening and closing as she glared at him like he was Snape or someone equally disturbing. “I think that you have proven time and time again that you don’t think before you act.”
“I wasn’t -”
“Was it not you that nearly told Marlene a day after I told you and in your anger nearly outed her and your brother?” Hermione snapped, her patience fraying as Sirius winced. “Was it not you that told Snape about Remus because you were angry about something?” She hissed out, crouching down before him as he glared at. “You don’t think, you just push boundaries without considering the consequences!”
“Glad to see my mistakes aren’t held against me.” He hissed back but Hermione rolled her eyes.
“You can’t expect to make mistakes and people not hold you accountable for them nor use them as reason to be wary.” She snapped as he blinked at her in slight shock. “I get that you’re angry and hurt, but there is a bigger picture at stake – and for once it would be nice of you to think about how your actions affect everyone else.” She slumped to the floor, her legs aching as he glared back at her.
It wasn’t the way she wanted this conversation to go but it was obvious it was one they needed to have, and had needed for way longer than the past few months. Anger, hurt and resentment had brewed between both of them, probably since before they even began their relationship.
Sirius looked away from her, jaw clenching. “So you think I’m some reckless idiot who shouldn’t be trusted with anything important and that I don’t care about the consequences?”
“Do you?”
He stared at her as though she had grown two heads, his face twisting into hurt and her heart aching at the thought of it but she wouldn’t allow herself to be twisted into guilt and shame at what she had caused.
“I’m sorry if it hurts you, Sirius, but when have you ever showed a spare thought for someone else in your anger?” She asked, voice sharp, though it wasn’t a question she wanted answering as he frowned at her. “This whole thing was to protect a secret that I didn’t want getting out, not just for everyone else’s safety but also my own, which is why I didn’t tell you, and why when I did you proved my worst fears and nearly outed everything.” She snapped as he flinched.
Lily had told her what they had spoke about, what she had said and she was glad in a way that it seemed to have sunk in a bit.
“We were together, Hermione, and before that we were friends.” He whispered back, face turning colder by the second. “We were supposed to trust each other, except everything was a lie and I was in love with someone I didn’t actually know.” The words poured from him like venom as Hermione looked away.
“I never lied to you about who I was or who I am, the secret never changed how I felt nor did it make me any different – it was a burden I had to bear but it doesn’t change how I felt...or what we had.” Hermione said back, blinking back tears, because she couldn’t change how he felt now or how he had felt months ago, even if it hurt.
“You expect me to believe that…to believe anything you say when you were keeping something that big from me?” He asked bitterly, a sneer on his face as Hermione pushed down the guilt once more.
“You do realise that none of this was about you, that it had never been about you.” Hermione snapped as her anger returned tenfold. “You act like you’re the only one who’s been hurt by this, but you have no idea what it’s like to carry something this heavy, to constantly have to think about every single thing you say and do to keep people safe!” She snapped, her voice louder than she wanted.
Sirius’ eyes narrowed, hands clenched tightly in his lap and his own anger shining through. “Never thought you would paint yourself as a martyr.” He snapped cruelly. “But I guess you’re the one who knows best and the rest of us are just supposed to fall in line.”
Hermione let out a bitter laugh, shaking her head as exhaustion crept into her bones and a headache began to form. “It would be a lot easier if you did.”
“You -”
“You never really got it, did you? So wrapped up in your own feelings, which I admit is partially my fault, but you can’t see past your betray to realise this isn’t about me trying to control everything but to keep us all alive.” She hissed lowly, leaning closer as he pulled away, almost as though he was scared of what would happen if she came too close.
She could almost see it in her head, each person she cared about falling to their death. James trying to protect someone, Lily too, because they had always been the most selfless, dying for those they loved. Marlene going out in a bang, scared and alone no doubt. Sirius dying by accident because of something reckless he did, and Remus dying for what was right.
They were all young, and she could see them staring back at her with glassy eyes, frozen in time, never getting to truly live their lives. Yet, if this secret got out then what was to stop them from dying earlier. Barely legal adults stopped before they could even take a step into the real world.
“I know I hurt you and I am sorry for that, but I can’t be sorry for keeping this secret and I can’t go back to the way things were.” She whispered, softer than before. “I never wanted this, but I was forced to make impossible decisions and before I could even do anything it was taken from me, and I fight everyday to get it back but even that ended up with more being taken.”
“I’m supposed to feel sorry for you now?” Sirius asked, but his eyes flashed with something else.
“No – you feel what you want, but don’t expect me to sit here listening to you rant about how unfair it has been for you.” She shot back as his expression seemed to soften slightly, his tongue poking into the side of his cheek.
Her heart ached as she thought about all those times she had seen his soft, a smile on his face and words leaving his mouth that made her almost melt. The moments they had that had become too far and few in between.
“You could’ve trusted me, Hermione, given me a chance to prove you wrong, but you didn’t and it’s hurts.” He whispered back, tugging at her heartstrings.
Hermione shook her head, her expression hardening. “You proved that the moment I did trust you, all you would do if betray that trust – so no I couldn’t have.”
Sirius stared back, breathing deeply through his nose as he seemed to war between anger and something else, the conflict evident on his face before he reached out to gently pat her hand, pulling away before she could even do anything. “I don’t know if I can forgive you for it, I don’t know how to be your friend after this – but...but I miss you.”
“You miss me? You don’t know if you can forgive me?” Hermione asked through a bitter laugh as he looked at her with wide eyes. “You don’t listen, do you?” She asked through clenched teeth as he frowned at her.
“What -”
“I’m not here to be your friend, I don’t fucking want to be your friend after this because if what you said gets out or someone figures it out then I’m as good as dead and that will be on your hands.” The words poured from her mouth as he blinked at her, clearly taken back – like he had believed that she would forgive him.
All these years, every single moment she had let things slide, pleaded with people to be his friend and stood in his corner and it meant nothing. She had thought he would learn, that he would realise but instead he just blamed and backed himself into a corner like a wounded animal that didn’t realise he had made one of the first punches.
He made himself a victim, and granted a hard life had made him see things through wary eyes, but he could never see past what was done to him. Even if it cost him everything.
“We have a few weeks left of school and then it’s done – I can be civil, for James and Remus’ sake, but don’t think for a second that after this we’re going to be fine because we’re done.” She added lowly, his eyes strangely misty as he looked over at her with hurt.
“Hermione -”
“You ruined this, Sirius, I may have aided but you did this – to us, to Marlene and maybe even your own fucking brother so now you have to live with that, no one else.” Her hands were shaking as she glared at him. “And you know what’s worse – not once have you fucking apologised.”
He looked at her as though he wanted to say something else, but Hermione didn’t care to hear it as she stood up and looked away. This wasn’t how she wanted the conversation to go, had hoped they would be able to make head space – or her heart had hoped they would be able to sort something out, pleaded for it in fact.
Her anger though was too strong, the betrayal too fresh and his blame only added fuel to the fire until she exploded. It was the right call, she knew that, even if it hurt, and maybe one day they would be able to get their trust back but it wasn’t going to be any time soon.
“I’m sor-”
“I don’t want your fucking apologies, save them for the people you are actually sorry to.” Hermione whispered out, shaking her head as she turned on her heel and began walking back to the castle.
She was done helping him clean up his mess. Done being the one to whisper reassurances even when she shouldn’t. Done being pushed around by Sirius Black.