Tell Him
Thursday the 27th of April 1978
There are people out there who think smoking is disgusting.
They are wrong, and in Sirius’ eyes, stupid. No matter who you are, or how you want to turn your nose up, there is a part of everyone that recognises that smoking is a sure fire way to look amazingly cool and sexy without having to do much. Sure, afterwards your hands might smell like they’ve just been stuck in a fire and you might have to brush your teeth, but there are ways around that – and it still looks cool.
Plus it helped relax and calm stress, and the added bonus of sneaking around like some kind of spy so Professor McGonagall didn’t see you and take them away. Which is exactly why Sirius was hidden behind a wall, eyes scanning every corner as he raised his lighter to his lips only to feel the roughness of his cigarette being pulled from his lips.
Grey eyes stared for a second, a pathetic excuse on the tip of his tongue only to die as he caught sight of an amused smirk against golden skin as she puffed on his cig like it was her own.
Marlene didn’t speak but just watched him with those unnerving eyes that looked as those they had been chipped from a glacier. There was something she wanted to say, that much was obvious but she wasn’t in a rush.
“If you wanted one then you could have just asked.” He mumbled out as he fished out another cig and lit it before it could be snatched away again. “What do you want?” He added, narrowing his eyes as she cocked out a hip and leaned against the wall opposite him.
“We need to talk.”
He fought the urge to roll his eyes and tell her how he already knew as much and instead settled on smirking and doing his best to get her so annoyed she would leave him alone. “Listen, I know you’ve had a taste of the younger less handsome Black and I imagine you are ready to move to the better one, but I’m not interested.”
Marlene’s mouth twitched and her eyes rolled as she stubbed out her cig on the ground and took a step forward to slap him hard on the arm. “Neither am I, you idiot – Merlin, do you just assume that every girl who wants to talk to you wants you?”
Sirius glared as he rubbed his sore arm. “Normally, yes – have you ever thought about being a beater?”
“Only when I spend time with you.” Marlene answered sweetly, making her look more angelic than he knew she was. A wolf (or lioness) hidden in sheep’s clothing. “Now the real reason I came to find you – someone needs your help.” It was obvious who she was hinting at and Sirius couldn’t help but sigh.
They had all come to him at some point, always the same shit and always trying to fix things that he personally didn’t think could be fixed any more. And Merlin, did he understand what they were trying to say but he didn’t think they understood his side at all sometimes.
So worried about someone else breaking apart that they forgot to look at everyone else who was just as shattered and broken, if not more broken. Which is why he would have never thought that Marlene would be stood before him and trying much like their friends had done.
Not because Marlene didn’t care, but she was generally a lot more selfish when it came to her own problems and the list she put people in. She spent her days trying to ignore their drama so she could focus on studying, exams, Auror Training and making sure little Deatheater Reggie didn’t get cold on an evening.
Yet, now she stood before him with a fierceness in her eyes that honestly terrified him a little, and made him think he was either going to be forced to speak to the ex he felt like he hadn’t seen since her little meltdown at Snape, or he was going to be cursed within an inch of his life.
“Then why are you here asking me instead of her?”
“I didn’t mean that kind of – do you actually pay attention to what happens around you outside of your little bubble?” Marlene snapped out as she gripped her head and looked at him like he was stupid before slapping her hands against her side with a sigh.
“Do you actually get to your point?” Sirius snapped back as he flicked his cig to the side, letting last small drag turn to nothing but ash before he vanished it away.
“Surely you’re not that much of an idiot that you haven’t been able to see Hermione fraying at the fucking edges for the past few months.” Marlene scoffed out as she mimed with her hands pulling on an invisible piece of thread and everything falling into nothing.
“Not like I’ve actually seen her that much, Mar.”
“No – no, because you were just her boyfriend for nearly a fucking year – but of course you didn’t see anything.” Marlene snapped out, her voice harsher than before as she began to gesture at her arm. “Did you miss -”
“It’s nearly the end of the year, Mar, and every year she gets the same – stressed, brutal and uninterested in anything else but studying for exams.” Sirius cut her off, pinching the bridge of his nose and even though he couldn’t see her, he knew the disappointed look she was giving him.
“Sirius -”
“Once exams are over she’ll be fine and back to the secretive Hermione we all know and resent.” Sirius sighed out as he picked up his bag from the floor and slung it over his shoulder, giving Marlene a cold smile as she narrowed her eyes at him.
“Wow – you really don’t care.” He wanted to correct her, to tell her that it was more complicated than that but he hadn’t changed how he felt and they had just grown apart because of lies and secrets but it was like the words got caught in his throat as she lowered her gaze. “You’re done with her, Remus spends his days arguing with her, James and Lily look at her with pity – and she barely...”
His skin felt like it was burning, his throat dry as Marlene trailed off and her eyes became sad, melting and brighter than before. Hermione suffering seemed to be hard for all of them, even if they didn’t know why she was suffering because she had too much pride to tell them and inform them what was happening.
And he hated that they all seemed to think he could do something. They didn’t have James running to help Marlene on a sad day, though perhaps that was an unfair example considering James and Marlene’s relationship after they broke up was a hell of a lot better than Sirius and Hermione’s.
Hermione wouldn’t talk to him, despite the fact that she felt guilty but because there was also anger there because of him. Octans had got away because he had stopped her, even as he had watched her struggled after being under Bellatrix’s wand, an act he was familiar with and could still feel the pain from some days, he had taken away her revenge. And then he hadn’t even thought to ask how she felt about Octans afterwards.
Sirius of all people should have understood. Peter fucking Pettigrew had stood before him for the first time in years, and it had been a slap to the face and proof that he had avoided, yet the shock had faded when Hermione screamed, and suddenly Peter wasn’t important any more. So unimportant that the boys had only spoke of him once and then never again.
But it was different for Hermione, and if she was struggling…
“Sirius.” Marlene spoke, cutting off his thoughts and looking less sad than she had a second ago. “She’s falling apart.”
“And what am I supposed to do exactly?” Sirius snapped, narrowing his eyes and throwing a hand in the air as he gave a bitter laugh. “She does all of this to herself – keeping secrets and then breaking apart all while expecting the rest of us to pick up the pieces like she hasn’t made her choices.” He hissed out, taking a step to move around her only to end up with her nails digging into his arm.
“This isn’t about some secret she is keeping – who the fuck even cares about that?” Clearly no one except him but he couldn’t even say anything before Marlene was hissing at him again. “Sometimes people do things to protect us or themselves – sometimes people don’t owe us things just because we’re in a relationship with them.” She added lowly, giving him a knowing glare.
Sirius looked away, shaking her off and scoffing. Of course, Marlene would think that way when she was in a relationship with Regulus who probably told her nothing, trying to keep her safe or keep her from realising what twisted things Voldemort made him do.
“Then we’re not entitled to look after them when they lie to us – or worry about how upset they are after that relationship is over.” Sirius snapped back as Marlene rolled her eyes at him.
Marlene frowned, her ire obvious as her teeth clenched and her words came out with a hiss. “You think we don’t all see the pathetic flirting you do with other girls around her, like you’re taunting her – it’s cruel.” His mouth opened to defend himself but Marlene beat him too it once again. “She won’t say anything because she feels guilty, like she deserves to be treated like shit by someone who loves...loved her.”
Sirius winced, the urge to correct her on account of his feelings, but he held it back. It would do no good to say anything now, unless he wanted to prove Marlene’s point. “I’m not -”
“People deal with things differently, Hermione holds it in and says nothing – and as far as the rest of us are aware, you said you would still be friends afterwards, and she needs you...even if I can’t understand why.” She snapped out, cruel and icy, and Sirius had to clench his jaw to keep his retorts to himself.
“Why? She has James, Lily – you.”
“Because she loves you, and because despite everything that has happened there are still those moments where the pair of you actually remember how to talk and look after each other.” Marlene answered, rolling her eyes as Sirius frowned and shook his head.
“It’s not like a singular conversation is going to fix everything or change any resentment that either of us might feel.” He whispered, his heart clenching and his stomach turning.
“No, but it might help to have the reminder on her side that you don’t hate her as much as she thinks you do.” Marlene answered as Sirius looked away.
He didn’t hate Hermione, it would be a lot easier if he did, and sometimes late at night he wished he could. He was angry, hurt and there was resentment there, but he didn’t think it would be possible to ever hate the girl who had captured him so thoroughly when he was younger and who looked at him with those big beautiful eyes and a glinting smile.
Who was so intelligent that it went far past impressive. Who had more talent in her pinky than anyone else. Who was so stubborn and prideful that she would keep things to herself even at the cost of their already crumbling relationship.
Marlene sighed, rubbing a hand over her face and shaking her head. “I get – no one is saying you have to sit and chat for half an hour, but maybe a check in would help more than you think.” Her voice was more gentle. “Just don’t let your pride get in the way.”
She moved then, giving him a pointed look as she slipped by him and back the way she came, leaving him alone in the late afternoon, with far too many thoughts in his head and no idea what to do.
...
A home was something Sirius felt like he had never had until a few years ago.
He had been eleven, nearly twelve, when he had walked through the doors of the Great Hall and been sorted into Gryffindor. The tower, Common Room, and his dormitory had been something like a dream. A place to be safe, where no family members would be able to enter and the worst he would have to deal with was a bad letter.
It had become a home that he ached for when he was away and that he wanted more than anything. Sure, he had always felt some level of comfortable at the Potter’s, having been invited from such a young age but it was hard to get past the perfect family of four that seemed to be painted before him. Spoilt children in more ways than one.
Effie and Flea had taken him in when he escaped, without a question, paying for him and offering love. He would miss them when he left.
But he had money, Alphard’s and tainted by his family, but enough to live peacefully and get himself his own place. Somewhere he could call his own, maybe make a comfy living room like Gryffindor’s Common Room, and a huge bedroom where he was free to put up posters without having to stick them to a wall or fight his mother for it – or hope that Euphemia wasn’t offended and wouldn’t take them down.
It was something to think about for another day and not the moment he was walking into his Common Room where James and Remus sat chuckling together on the sofa and the fire flickered quietly before them.
“…it was the funniest shit I have seen in a while.” James huffed out between laughs, snorting slightly, as Remus chortled before him, almost silent in his laughter and his cheeks turning pink. “I’ve never seen him look so pissed off.”
Remus huffed in a breath, trying to regain composure, wiping his eyes and shaking his head. “Not quite up to par with the Marauders yet – but maybe in time.” He chuckled as James nodded his head in agreement, both of them unaware of Sirius stood watching them.
He let out a cough, raising an eyebrow as they turned to look at him, still chucking between themselves and James even more so as his eyes went wide and he leaned forward. “Pads – you missed out on something amazing, these kids went to Snape and -”
“What’s going on with you and Hermione?” Sirius cut him off, turning to frown at Remus whose cheeks turned slightly pink and his mouth, looking to James for help only to find James frowning at him.
“Not whatever you think is happening.” The werewolf squeaked out.
Sirius rolled his eyes, throwing his bag to the ground and slipping into the free armchair. “Yeah, I know that Moony Mouse, calm down – I mean why is Marlene telling me that the pair of you are at each others throats over something...thanks for telling me by the way.” He clarified as Remus leaned back against the sofa, calming down slightly and no longer flushing.
His body twitched, aching to grab them both and sort this out, but not before yelling at the pair of them. Remus was far too kind and gentle to have someone yelling at him, or being angry at him (unless it was that girl from last year or he was having some werewolf related freak out), and Hermione...well if she was cracking then Remus should know better than to push her when she was like this.
Hermione had done a lot but she didn’t deserve to have another friend avoiding or ignoring her.
“It’s nothing.” Remus mumbled but the tight line of his mouth and crossed arms, plus the lack of humour that had been so apparent before, was contradictory. “Just a little disagreement that we’ll sort soon enough.”
“Well maybe you could save us all the hassle and sort it out sooner rather than later.”
“Woah...what crawled up your arse and died.” James joked out, but there was an edge there and he was watching Sirius and Remus with narrowed eyes, like he had just been reminded that the pair of them were at odds with his sister.
Because no one would ever come before his sister for James. It wasn’t like Sirius wasn’t his best friend, that they hadn’t pulled hundreds pranks together, been all but brothers since they met. None of it would ever compare to Hermione.
“The fact that Marlene came to tell me that I need to speak to Hermione, actually all but demanded that I do – like it’s my responsibility.” Sirius snapped back before he could stop himself as James narrowed his eyes further and Remus looked hesitant, mouth curving into a grimace that spoke far more than words would. “Not sure I want to speak to liar, anyway.”
“Pads.” Remus mumbled with a frown, shaking his head as James’ hands clenched.
“She’s not a li-”
“I’m guessing you know wants got her knickers into a twist, don’t you Moony – it’s probably why you’ve been so weird and guilty these past few days.” Sirius poked as Remus looked away, his mouth opening and closing like a fish and his hands gripping the fabric of his jeans as Sirius raised a taunting eyebrow.
Moony had been doing that a lot the past few days, looking ready to say something important and giving up at the last second like he couldn’t find his nerve or didn’t want to, and it was pissing Sirius off.
“I bet you know what’s going on with her, don’t you Prongs?” Sirius asked, sarcastic and fed up.
James’ expression darkened, his hands clenching ever tighter than before and his jaw tensing as he looked at Sirius like he was nothing more than Snape. “She’s my sister, Sirius.” It was an answer and a warning rolled into one but Sirius didn’t care.
“Then why aren’t you fixing her shit – why am I being dragged into it?” He asked, foot tapping against the floor and eyes narrowing even further.
“Maybe -”
“I mean it’s not like she’s been that upset since we broke up – not like she needed me before so she doesn’t need me now.” Sirius explained as James narrowed his eyes and Remus sucked in a breath, muttering something under his breath that had James glaring at him.
“Maybe she’s not as fine as you think, just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean she isn’t hurting.” James snapped, hazel eyes glowing behind his glasses as Remus shifted uncomfortably.
“Might be, but I’m a bit lost how this is suddenly my responsibility? In case everyone forgot, we did break up – that’s it, ties are cut.” Sirius snapped even as guilt swirled around. They had agreed to be friends, and here he was throwing that in the dirt.
Except, it was her fault why they had gotten to that point.
James expression hardened even further, hands clenching into fists like he was ready to swing. “And you’re supposed to be her friend...or you once were her friend before you were anything else and she trusted you -”
“Trusted me?” Sirius asked with a bitter laugh. “The whole reason we broke up was because she didn’t trust me with her great secret...yet now I have to swoop in and save the day.” He scoffed out as James stood up from the chair.
“Believe it or not Sirius, this isn’t about you but about Hermione – she’s been through hell these past few months, or in case you forgot she had to face her murdering father for the first time in years after being tortured by Bellatrix, on top of everything else and you think she is going to be fine after all of that?” Never in their long friendship had James sounded so dangerous and pissed off.
Whatever he might have felt about Hermione keeping Sirius out of the loop was gone, and instead replaced by an angered protective brother who looked a second away from dishing out uppercuts.
“You mean like I was fine after I was imperiused by some wanna-be deatheater who also wanted to know what secret she was hiding?” Sirius snapped as James blinked, looking away while Remus sighed. “I got used, and I had to pretend all of it was ok...when my own fucking brain wasn’t mine...and all of you forgot that and got to practice defending yourselves against being mind raped.” His voice shook and James had the decency to look guilty.
“Pads -”
“And all this is over some fucking secret, my life and my sanity risked over some secret that she won’t tell me and yet I have to drop everything for her.” Sirius carried on, ignoring Remus and focusing on James who had gone from pity and back to fury in a single second.
“It’s always back to the secret with her isn’t it – someone needs you but you refuse to put your pride aside because of a secret that isn’t yours.” James hissed, stepping closer. Tall and imposing in a way that Sirius had never seen him, even as he stood a couple of centimetres under Sirius now, it didn’t matter and it almost had Sirius leaning away.
“It’s not me who needs to put my pride aside! Maybe you should tell her that!” Sirius all but shouted, pushing his hands against James’ chest. “Maybe if she had told me -”
“She can’t!” James shouted, throwing his hands in the air. “You know that she can’t, she made that clear when she did try to tell you!”
“Only to give up afterwards.” Sirius remarked, curling his lip.
“Because she’s been tongue tied and even if she wasn’t, even if she could find a way around it – you proved that she can’t trust you when you ran off and had a go at Dumbledore and brought more attention to it.” It was a mistake that he had made, one of the events that led to the end of their relationship but he had been too blinded to see it at that time.
“Then you tell me.”
“No.”
“No?” Sirius asked, trying to push away the hurt as James stared back at him furiously. “We’re supposed to be friends – brothers…”
“Don’t try and guilt-trip me, you are both those things but Hermione is my sister and no one, not even you, is coming before that.” James pointed out, and Sirius felt a mix of adoration and hurt flood him.
He already knew that, had been thinking about it not a few minutes ago but having it thrown in his face was almost like a cruel reminder of where he stood with his friends. Four out of the five of them would put Hermione first, and the only one who would fight her back and be by his side was sat on the sofa looking like he wanted to be anywhere else.
Fucking James and Hermione, walking around like a perfect pair of siblings, while the rest of them got stuck with fucking arses who would rather put their partners first and never speak to them again. For once, Sirius just wanted someone to put him first.
His mouth moved, unable to hold back the hurt any longer as he hissed at James. “Pathetic...even when you know she’s wrong, you don’t give a shit!” He snapped as James sucked in a deep breath and took a small step back. “Even when you know she’s been nothing more than a cold hearted bitch -”
Being punched in the face hurt more than he ever thought it would, but being punched in the face by his best friend hurt a whole lot more. He stumbled back, a hand automatically reaching up to grip his throbbing cheek and nose, and eyes wide as he stared at a panting James and a shocked Remus, not an ounce of sympathy on either of their faces.
A cold pale hand touched his cheek, gently pulling the non throbbing side so he was forced to look into chocolate brown eyes, cold and no emotion present as she looked over his face like he hadn’t just insulted her.
“Shit...Mi’…”
“I guess I wasn’t meant to hear that.” Hermione muttered, pulling her wand from her robe and he hated how unbothered she seemed. Once she would have cursed him without thought, insulted him back, but it was like she almost didn’t care. “Episkey.” She muttered, voice detached.
A cry left his mouth as his nose moved and he suddenly became aware of the blood drying above his nose. Fuck, James had actually broken his nose.
“You deserved it, prick.” James’ voice hissed across the common room as Sirius turned his head to see his friend sat on the sofa. Sirius frowned, he hadn’t meant to say that out loud but he was fucking fuming about it.
Hermione’s hand moved from his face as Sirius finally looked at her. Taking her in for what felt like the first time as she raised her eyebrows at him and crossed her arms over her chest. “Don’t stop on my account, I’m sure you have plenty to say.”
His mouth opened and anything he had been thinking died. Paler than usual, almost translucent, skinnier too that her outfit seemed a bit looser than it should have been, and against what she would have usually worn with her green sweater and jeans. Her hair, normally wild but somehow shiny and perfect, was frizzy and knotted on top of her head. And she seemed tired.
Her hand moved over her arm, scratching at the skin under the fabric and purposely ignoring James as she sat down between him and Remus, his tawny hand reaching to pull her own away.
She shifted away from him, jumper slipping off her shoulder and showing the black ink that had been etched there before she pulled it up. Sirius had been fuming when he found out that James and Hermione had gone and gotten tattoos together, jealousy and anger mixing as he reminded James of the pact they had made at thirteen, but his best friend had shrugged his shoulders and said he would do it again.
Now, he almost wished he could pull away the fabric and sneak a peak like he would have been able to do so many months ago.
Instead, his mouth opened and closed as Hermione watched him, waiting to see what he would say while Remus tried to scramble to say something for him. “Mi’, he wasn’t thinking -”
“No, he was, he’s thinking what you are all thinking, he just had the balls to say it.” Hermione answered back as she held out her hand for Sirius to take, pulling him from the floor and allowing him to feel the cool and boney hand she offered. “Though I’m glad to see our relationship meant so much to you.”
“Can’t blame a man for being bitter at everything – or at you and your secrets.” Sirius mumbled back as she dropped his hand quickly.
“I suppose not, which leaves one thing since you clearly aren’t going to stop.”
“Hermione.” James hissed, his eyes going wide as he turned to look at his sister, shaking his head but she ignored him, staring at Sirius with those eyes that had been once so warm and now looked flat. It hurt Sirius that James was so against whatever Hermione wanted to say.
“Go on Remus, tell him everything he wants to know.” She whispered, turning away from Sirius to look at Remus as he stared back at her in shock. “You want to – do it – and let’s watch him hate me even more than he already does.” She didn’t glare or use an icy tone, but it was almost as though she believed it to be the truth.
“Hermione, I said I wasn’t going to -”
“I don’t hate you.” Sirius mumbled, and there was no shock on her face as she looked at him, almost with pity like she didn’t believe him in the slightest.
“Give it five minutes.” She whispered, a small smile curling up her lips but it was bitter and distant. “Though, maybe...let’s go upstairs – if this gets out...well…” She added, shaking her head as James glared at her and Remus slowly stood up from the sofa with Hermione, his eyes wide and his mouth opening and closing once again.
“Hermione.” James hissed but she ignored him as Sirius looked around, his mouth falling open and his heart thumping rapidly.
“Don’t you want to get Marlene too?” He asked, swallowing down the dryness of his throat.
“We’re not telling Marlene.”
“Doesn’t that seem a bit unfair to you – I mean everyone else already knows.”
“I’m not telling Marlene because if it gets out to your brother and then back to Voldemort, we are all dead.” She whispered the words, and despite that, she somehow made them sound like some kind of threat that both James and Remus agreed with.
Sirius let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head and crossing his arms over his chest. “So we can trust him with practising on our minds – but we can’t trust him with this.” It made little sense to him, but Hermione just stared at him.
“You’re not changing my mind on this – so either come upstairs and hear the story that you’ve begged for weeks to hear or let everything go.” Hermione spoke, emotion flashing in her eyes and he knew without a doubt that she was wishing he would just tell her to let it go, and a part of him did want to.
Wanted to go back to that promise he made so long ago, to be patient and wait for her to tell him, but that promise had shattered like their relationship.
Instead, he marched past her and towards the stairs, stopping only to listen for them to follow him and moving again once he heard them.
…
Wednesday the 3rd of May 1978
He didn’t want to look at them. Didn’t want to speak to them.
All of them had kept this from him, and half of them seemed to agree it was for the best like he wouldn’t be able to go a single second without opening his mouth and saying something. Nor did any of them, except Remus, actually seem to feel guilty about not saying anything.
James was still pissed at him, glaring and all but refusing to say anything more than hello when they were in each others company. It irked Sirius, but also made him feel guilty. He knew he shouldn’t have said what he did, didn’t think he deserved a right hook and a broken nose for it.
Or maybe he did.
Hermione may had lied, and she may have been the only one who didn’t actually open her mouth to say anything, guiding Remus with tugs of her wrist, shakes of her head and infuriating Sirius even more, but she didn’t deserve to be called a bitch. She deserved his ire, and the mounting frustration he felt at having been kept in the dark so long, but she deserved more than petty name calling.
Maybe he just needed to get some new witty insults prepared.
Either way, he had avoided them as best as he could, feeling them watch him from the corners of their eyes, waiting for him to trip up. Like he hadn’t been walking round in a complete state of shock and uncertainty.
His fucking ex was from the future, except she wasn’t – a part of her was, but the memories were blocked unless she pushed hard enough and her tongue was tied to stop her from telling people, except she had already told three of his friends and Remus had told him. A loop hole, that none of them actually seemed happy about. Worries of Dumbledore on their lips.
He had wanted to laugh, to cry and to tell them to stop fucking about but it made sense, in some weird twisted way, it all made sense. And for a few moments he hated them all. Hated her most, but it had died fast and hurt had filled in its gaps.
So now he avoided them and they avoided him. Left him in his feelings and to storm the corridors alone.
Until...tall figure, golden skin and blond hair stuck out like a sore thumb and someone he was eager to grab. He didn’t think twice as he moved past the other students, reaching out and grabbing her robe before she could turn the corner.
“What the -”
“Sirius!” A happy voice called, sliding next to the girl with a wide smile that didn’t look too forced as she looked up at him from emerald green eyes, pulling his hand from Marlene without too much effort. “We’ve been looking everywhere -”
“Not now, Evans – I need to talk to you in private.” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them, focusing solely on Marlene who was frowning at him, looking down at Lily and her icy eyes colder than before, sidestepping as he reached for her again.
“One; stop man handling me – and two; there’s a way to ask politely and that isn’t being a dick to our friend.” There was a sharp tone to her voice and worry in her eyes as she looked to Lily, whose smile fell and instead wariness replaced in it’s stead. “Three; whatever has your knickers in a twist – I don’t want to know.”
She had been warned, told Sirius was going to say something or she had enough sense to know that Lily was half a second from copying her boyfriend and hitting Sirius. “Sirius -”
“Mar – Hermione has been keeping -”
Marlene’s hand was over his mouth before he could stop it, frowning up at him though she wasn’t that much smaller, and he knew she would hit harder than most if he pushed her over the edge but he didn’t care. She didn’t know, everyone but her knew and it wasn’t fair for that to be kept from her.
He pulled away, glaring at her as she pointed a nail into his chest. “I said I don’t want to know, so maybe you should listen and keep your mouth shut.”
“Marlene!”
“Sirius!”
“How could you not want to know?” He asked, ignoring Lily as she glared at him, looking ready to stupify him or drag him into a room. All he could see was Marlene glaring back at him, determination and fierceness strong in her eyes. “How is that fair to you?” He lowered his voice as she sighed and looked away.
For a second he thought he had her, that she was thinking back to a couple of days ago when she decent enough to be a friend to Hermione and to him also, but then she was glaring at him again. “Because it’s not about things being fair or who’s done us wrong, Sirius, it never has been.”
“Maybe we should go somewhere -”
“What are you talking about?” Sirius snapped before he could stop himself.
“I trust Hermione, I’ve never doubted that and if there is something she doesn’t want to tell me then that’s it – I won’t hold it against her, I won’t ask because I know she has her reasons and I understand them.” She spoke as though she was trying to get some kind of message through to him, one he couldn’t quite understand.
It irked him, made his teeth grind together and his hands clench as he glared down at her while Lily looked between them too and the students who were watching with curious eyes. They couldn’t say too much, he knew that but it was distant, in the back of his mind.
“We deserve more than to be treated like we aren’t important.”
“Not being told something doesn’t mean we aren’t important, Sirius, and forcing someone to tells us only adds more fuel and hurt to the fire – I won’t do that.” She hissed out, her temper fraying and her eyes narrowed even further.
How much she had changed in so little time, he almost envied it. A younger Marlene would have been hurt, stomped her feet and done exactly what he was doing but this Marlene – she was older, wiser and had been hurt but wasn’t letting it define her like so many others did. Or maybe she was, but in a new way that he couldn’t seem to grasp.
What a wonderful and secretive relationship could do for a person. How fucking ironic that her own relationship with his Deatheater brother was healthier than his own with Hermione. And just like that, a light went off above his head and the cruel thoughts he tried so hard to push back were winding their way around his tongue.
“It’s because of him, isn’t it?” He hissed, his voice low as Marlene’s eyes flickered. “She won’t tell you because of who you spend your nights sneaking off to meet – because she’s worried you’ll spill to Re-”
“Shut up!” Lily snapped, her wand in her hand as she pushed herself between the two of them, emerald eyes burning. Her voice cracked through the air like a whip, as she turned to glare at the lingering students before turning to Sirius. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Lily never swore, or rarely did but now she was and it made Sirius flinch slightly.
“Lily -”
“Do you all have classes to be getting to?” She snapped, pushing her chest out so her Headgirl badge twinkled. The students moved but slowly, their eyes still on the three. “You’re a dick – screaming about fair and what you deserve to know only to break Marlene’s trust because you’re upset.” It was like a slap to the face and for a second he felt guilty.
Marlene almost stood in shock, like she was waiting for something else to happen, hurt in every line of her face and he hated it. Hated that he had been the one to do that, hated that it felt like he was in his own head screaming for his angry side to understand and to back off.
Marlene had put faith in him...his own brother had too and he had been a second away from letting it tumble from his lips. Hell, if someone smart enough was around then they might have been able to figure it out which meant he might have put his own brother in the shit.
“You and your wounded pride, Sirius – feeling justified because you’re hurt...well guess what, we’ve all been fucking hurt, doesn’t mean we get to be cruel and selfish.” Lily spoke coldly, his gut churning as he kept his eyes on Marlene, tears running down her cheeks and hands clenched, the shock gone but the hurt remaining.
“Mar -”
Cold eyes looked at him and for a second he felt stunned. She had always been beautiful, not his type, but he would have never denied her that. Now though, in her vulnerable and hurt way, it was like looking at a perfectly craved statue. ‘Betrayal of a close friend.’
People would have stopped and stared in awe in Lily’s glare wasn’t directing them away.
“Don’t fucking speak to me.” Marlene hissed out and for a second he thought she might hit him, or curse him – do something that might ease the guilt he was feeling but she did nothing but glare. “If anything happens to him then I won’t forgive you.” She added as she took a step closer, and honestly he wished she would have punched him in the gut instead.
“I didn’t -”
“How could you even do that?” She asked, voice like cracking ice. “I’m your friend - are you really that eager to make everyone else hurt that you would do that to me?”
“Mar – I’m sorry -”
“Well I don’t fucking forgive you!” She snapped harshly, eyes watering and his heart broke. She didn’t deserve this but he had put it on her anyway, because he was an idiot. They all knew that but he had taken it one step too far.
He opened his mouth to speak and shut it just as quickly. There was nothing else he could say, nothing he could do but watch as a teary Marlene barged past him, shoulder ramming into his hard. He made no noise, nothing but a small wince as he turned his head to watch her go until she disappeared around the corner.
Sirius felt oddly hollow, like someone had craved out his most vital organs and left nothing but guilt and shame to try and fill the void. He was a dick, arrogant and uncaring – he had ruined a friendship in his eagerness to try and have someone on his side.
Nails bit into his arm as Lily dragged him away from any onlookers and into a classroom, the door slamming and spelling shut behind them as she turned to face him. “Do you understand what you just did? The damage could’ve caused?”
“Why are you acting like I’m the bad one here?” Sirius snapped before he could stop himself as Lily raised her eyebrows at him. “I get kept in the dark, untrusted, but no – I’m the bad one for wanting to tell her what’s going on!” His anger stood proud, ignoring everything else and using his mouth before he could stop it.
“How can you be anything else when you’re willing to throw Marlene under the bus just to make yourself feel better?” Lily snapped icily. “You think you’re justified because you’re hurt? Grow up, Sirius! This isn’t about your wounded pride!”
Everything got turned around so fast and suddenly he regretted even opening his mouth. He hadn’t meant to cause so much pain or anger, he hadn’t meant to open his mouth and put Marlene in the shit but he had done it anyway.
Not he had four of his five friends pissed at him, one he could handle because he was equally pissed at her, but the other three – it hurt to see them look at him like he was the scum of the earth.
Lily’s expression remain hard as she continued speaking. “This isn’t about you, but about the people you claim to care about, yet you are so focused on your hurt that you can’t see the bigger picture, can you?” She asked, shaking her head. “I mean – do you even care about what this could do to Hermione? Marlene?”
“I don’t – it’s not -” He stuttered. “I just wanted the truth.”
“But it’s not about the truth, Sirius!” Lily snapped, her voice louder than it had been before. “It’s about the consequences, not you or lashing out because you’re upset.” She sighed, resting a head against her forehead. “There are people watching us, you know this, and you’ve just put us all at risk.” She whispered the last words as though she was scared someone could listen through a spell.
“What are you talking about?”
“Marlene and Regulus already risk everything being together, and Voldemort already has an eye on Hermione – he knows she’s powerful and important but what do you think will happen if it gets out what she knows – about the future...how to kill him?” Lily asked, eyes slightly misty as Sirius gulped and looked away. “He’s not going to just ignore that.”
Sirius’ blood seemed to run cold as he sat himself at a desk and ran his hand through his hair, trying to take deep steadying breaths.
He hadn’t thought when he had confronted Marlene past trying to get her somewhere private and now he might as well have just shouted to the whole fucking world everything he knew and let it be used against him and his friends. “Shit.”
Lily sat opposite him, her voice colder than before. “And if you think for one second that Dumbledore will let this slip through the cracks then you’ve been deluded – he’s already silenced Hermione and if he figures out we know or we say anything then we’ll be next, you know that, don’t you?” It wasn’t a question no matter how much she phrased it like one, but a well structured threat.
Her words were like ice water thrown over him, chilling him to the bone. The reality of what she was saying - what he had almost done - sank in deeply, leaving him feeling hollow and exposed.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered as Lily stood up.
“I’m not the one you need to apologise to – it’s not wrong to be hurt but if you don’t start thinking…” She trailed off, taking a deep breath. “It’s not just about you any more, you know this secret and we are all in it together, if you can’t see that then you’re going to do more harm than good.”
“Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?” He asked before he could stop himself as Lily sighed.
“Who?” Lily asked as she looked down at her nails with a frown, still cold and still very angry but she was no longer glaring at him and he could take that as a win.
“Marlene – who else?” He spat out before he could stop himself.
“Probably...maybe over time if you make it up to her.” She answered with a shrug, though it was clear she would be doing anything in her power to make him work for it and to make sure Marlene didn’t forgive him too fast. “Hermione, though – she’ll forgive you.” Lily whispered, glaring at him.
“I don’t need her -”
“You will though when she finds out what you’ve done – I mean, you thought James had a good right hook but you not only nearly revealed what she told you and ruined that trust but you also hurt her best friend, I’d watch you back.” Lily sang out, an amused smile at the corner of her mouth as she made her way towards the door.
Sirius gulped. He could imagine the cold anger in Hermione’s normally brilliant eyes, the stern set of her jaw and the look she would give him before she dealt her punishment. He would shrink back at the sight of her wand, hope it was quick and know that it wasn’t going to be – probably get lost in that confusing attraction he seemed to have when she looked like that.
He had issues. Clearly. He wasn’t going to dwell on them but he couldn’t help but frown as Lily lifted her spells. “You just said she would forgive me.”
“Because she always forgives you, Sirius.” Lily called back, shaking her head and leaving the classroom without even looking back at him or seeing the way his face dropped.
He didn’t want anyone’s forgiveness.