Time Flies
Monday the 20th of February 1978
Hermione felt as though her breath had been taken. Flashing lights and sounds flashing seemingly before her eyes, some filled with such happiness while other made her want to curl into a ball in absolute terror, yet she couldn't make sense of any of it. Just the feelings that followed and left her feeling like she was shaking from it all, an overwhelming sense to cry whether it was from happiness or sadness, she couldn't be sure, was all that was left.
And then everything faded, leaving her in a ball in the corner of a familiar room. Why it was familiar, she couldn’t be sure. Large ceilings and curtained windows gave the impression of a rich and haunting sitting room, one that wasn’t too different from her Grandparents had lived but there was something else about this place.
A fear clung to her as she looked around, trying to make sense of the slightly blurry room. A portrait of a pale haired couple above the fireplace giving her just enough knowledge.
Malfoy Manor was as tacky and ugly as she had always imagined it to be. Except it didn’t quite feel like she was imagining where she was right now. It all felt too perfect.
"Eerie, isn't it?" A voice spoke from behind her as Hermione turned to face him. Skinner than ever, with shaggy hair and a worn tired face that didn’t suite the youthfulness he should still have. He looked about her age, and he looked like he had seen far too much. "What it must feel like to be back here for you."
Hermione frowned as she looked around, shaking her head. “I don’t believe I’ve ever been here before.”
Harry’s jaw tensed as looked around. “The mind is a strange thing, memories and dreams have a way of haunting us sometimes worse than life itself.”
A stuttering breath left her mouth, her skin crawling and the walls seeming to filled with distant screams, her eyes closed away from the noise as she tried to take a deep breath. There was something about this place that made her want to cry, to run away screaming and to freeze in her spot.
Something horrible had happened here, many horrible things probably had. “Did – was the other me here?” She asked after a second as Harry looked away from her, like he couldn’t face her. “What did they do to her?”
The screams seemed louder the more she tried to ignore them. They were familiar and yet so distant, terrifying and her body was almost shaking, even more so when Harry looked back at her with what could only be pity. “They like to hide things, you know – sometimes in plain sight, though it’s hard to say where considering you only ever really saw this room.”
“Harry – I’m not interested in riddles.”
“Unless it’s Tom, right?” He joked, but it fell flat as she glared at him while he moved around the room. “To be surprised, I’m shocked you could even dream about this place after what happened to her.” He looked at her with such sadness that it hurt. “You are stronger than I ever gave you credit for." He added as he turned to give her a sad smile.
“Why do I feel like we are having two separate conversations?” Hermione mumbled more to herself as she glared at him. “Either tell me what you are hinting at or tell me what happened to her or just leave.” Harry stood in front of her, seeming much taller than he had before, she could even make out stubble growing on his chin.
“It’s never that easy.” Harry joked with her as though the whole situation was amusing to him but it did nothing to ease the tension inside her. All she could do was look at him, how unwell he looked and wonder how someone could still joke after everything they had clearly gone through.
"Then why am I here? If I don't need to be here, then why not just tell me what it is you want to say." Hermione snapped, feeling the anger that had been simmering in her veins begin it's escape, twisting itself into her words as she took a step backwards, bringing her hands up to tangle in her curls in frustration.
"You're panicking - "
Hermione scoffed, it sounded harsh and full of hate, but his green eyes didn't waver from their understanding for one second, not even as she carried on venting her anger onto him, like everything that had happened was his fault, even thought she knew it wasn't. "I have nothing to be panic about – this place...just tell me what happened.”
"I spent time here too, down in the cellar - I know you remember a part of it, it's been trying it's best to come back before you run off and so something stupid." Harry tried to explain but once again it came out of his mouth like a complex riddle, like he expected her to just know what the fuck he was talking about, it was infuriating.
"Not the first Potter to tell me that."
"And I doubt I will be the last. Now would you stop acting like you know best, I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I always tried to keep you safe, I always will." Harry added with a slight flare of his own annoyance, reaching forward to push her shoulder gently like they did this everyday and not at all like he was some part of her secret past that kept coming back to tell her what she was missing.
"Could you make them stop screaming then?" Hermione commented dryly as she moved her hands to rub her temple as the screaming grew louder than before until it felt like there was someone screaming in her ear.
"What?" Harry asked, tilting his head like he had no idea what she was talking about.
"The screaming, Harry - Merlin, it sounds like they’re being tortured, feels like it too." Hermione snapped as pain ran up and down her body, as though it was her being tortured, like she was back under Bellatrix’s wand. A sob left her mouth as she opened her eyes, and focused on the blurry Harry. “She was – she was tortured here?” She asked, her voice catching in her throat.
“In your past but not in your future – not if you fix things.” Harry whispered back as Hermione tried to keep her body from shaking with the pain.
“Bellatrix.” She whispered, hearing the wicked laugh in her ears before she moved forward with a stumble. “Why? Why is this what I need to remember? Why are we here?” The questions flowed like a river, as did the tears in her eyes.
"I can't tell you that."
"No you can't do this!" Hermione shouted, ignoring the shaking of the trinkets around her. She wouldn't push down her emotions this time, this was a dream and it couldn't hurt her in the real world and she was angry. Fucking fuming. "You tell me things and then leave me here confused and normally with some side effects of these little trips - you know everything that happened, so why keep me in the dark? Tell me how to fix this!" Her voice scratched through her throat painfully as Harry took a step backwards and raised his eyebrows.
"I can't because I don't know - everything that happens is in your head, this is all you, forcing out a subconscious that isn't ready - it's only going to get worse and worse." Harry let out a breath as he moved forward, his long fingers tracing the top of her lip and coming back red. Hermione let out a sigh, she knew she would be in for shit when she eventually woke up.
"Then why is my subconscious you?" And then she was back to the timid girl who wanted to go back to her corner and curl away from it all. She wanted her friends and her parents, she wanted to remember everything that had ever happened to her and a part of her wanted this to have never happened. To go back to before this all began, to warn the other her that going back would be filled with so much pain that it might not even be worth it anymore.
"Comfort I suppose, I know the old you and that is what you are trying to force - it might make that part of your brain feel better." He patted the side of her head as he spoke and gave her a smile so similar to James' that she almost gave in. But he wasn't her James, there was so many differences between the pair of them when you looked close enough that it almost felt like she was talking to an intruder.
"It doesn't comfort me."
"Would it comfort you more if we was here?" Maybe because he had been on her mind or maybe because her brain actually knew what she needed, James was there with their friends, his arms opened wide and the same smile on his face as he waited for her to run into his embrace and take the comfort she needed. "We don't know as much as Harry but we won't let you suffer alone."
"I don't understand." Hermione whispered before her teeth gritted and her hands were back to gripping her head as she turned to look at Harry with a glare. "Why won't she stop screaming?" A whimper left her mouth as she fell to the floor, Bellatrix's loud and taunting voice in her head asking her again and again where it was until she was met with a searing pain that caused her body to thrash around on the floor. "Make it stop! I don't know anything!" It was like Bellatrix was there then, sat on her waist as she carved into her arm, the pain almost unbearable but all Hermione could hear was her own screaming.
It filled her ears and didn't even sound like it was coming from her own mouth, like it was someone else in her ear. What did this have to do with killing Voldemort? Why make her try to remember the most painful parts of her life? Or her old life?
There had to be some good left in that story she craved so much. Some moments that made her burst with joy - a flash of two smiles face and nights filled with laughter replaced the screaming, though Hermione couldn't tell what life it was from it had given her enough to fight back.
"No!" Hermione shouted as she pushed Bellatrix away, gripping her bleeding arm with one hand, she forced herself to stand up straight, her hand now clutching a wand that she didn't remember getting but it didn't matter, nothing mattered more than killing the bitch in front of her. Her wand slashed through the air until nothing but dust remained of Bellatrix, of course it wasn't real, not really but Merlin, Hermione hoped it would be one day. And when it was all said and done, her body sagged with tiredness, collapsing to the floor as her eyes shut.
A gasp left her mouth as she awoke covered in sweat and trembling. The rest of the girls remain asleep, unaware of the traumatic experience Hermione had just forced herself to go through. For what? She wasn't all that sure. No answers had seemed to come out of this like the other nightmares, just shakes running through her body and tears falling from her eyes. Not to mention the unbearable pain in her arm.
Hermione turned fast, staring at her arm that lay beside her and feeling the panic that came when she saw the blood there. Her pale fingers ran over it with a frown as she stared at the thin half-healed letters cut into her arm giving her just enough indication as to what Bellatrix had been so determined to write with her little knife and it made Hermione want to be sick.
…
Hermione sat in the great hall much earlier than she should have, breakfast had just been served and only a few early risers sat at their tables, books, quills and parchment out as they finished last minute homework. Hermione should have been doing the same, checking over her DADA homework but her eyes were focused on the faint letters on her arm, pale fingers tracing the slightly red skin and holding back the hiss that came afterwards. It felt as though it was burning slightly, a curious magic left over from the past/future. Yet not even the dream could explain it.
Harry had been trying, had hinted at something but she wasn’t sure what. The Malfoy’s liked hiding things, though he wasn’t sure where. Did they have something that she needed? Or had the dream only been to prolong the side effects she had already suffered the first time Bellatrix tortured her?
Whatever he had meant, she had to figure it out before Dumbledore caught wind of what had happened. She didn’t think he would take it too lightly if he found out her dreams were manifesting into physical damage.
She would have to be careful with this, keep it covered so no one saw and suspected something. At least she didn’t have to worry about Sirius seeing it, as he spent most of his time avoiding her. Understandable, it wasn’t like she had gone looking for him since they broke up, but she did worry about what he was doing and if he was still trying to figure her out.
"What did you do?" Hermione pulled her sleeve down as calmly as she could as Emmeline sat across from her, perfectly made up and ready for the day as she played with the ends of her silky brown hair and looked at Hermione with those bright eyes.
Hermione looked around as though the girl was speaking to someone else before she spoke. "Sorry?"
Emmeline rolled her eyes, dropping the ends of her hair and smirking. "Don't play dumb Potter, I saw the marks - I'm curious." Hermione rose her eyebrows and tried to act as normal as she would when Emmeline Vance paid her attention.
"Crookshanks." She explained briefly with a shrug of her shoulders like it was nothing, and it wasn’t really, the cat seemed to enjoy reigning terror when he could, and dragging Parsley along with him. Yet, Emmeline stared back as though she didn’t believe her, leaving Hermione to click her tongue and lean onto her elbows as she narrowed her eyes. "Have you ever been scratched by a cat Emmeline?"
"Not unless you count yourself." The girl teased sweetly as Hermione rolled her eyes. Emmeline was annoying and bitchy but Hermione was going to fight her then it would be with fists and wands, not with a petty scratch that would barely do anything. "I honestly thought you just liked to be a bit kinky, but then I heard the rumour that a certain couple had broken up."
Hermione looked away, trying to keep her anger at bay. Emmeline was fishing for gossip as usual, and while most might know of the break up between Hermione and Sirius, there were many that seemed more interested in the reason.
Not that Hermione would ever say way, it was none of their business but it especially wasn’t the business of the girl sat before her.
“Well when a cat gets its nails into you, it hurts and tends to leave a mark - much like your gossip." Hermione spoke dryly as she looked away from the woman and reached for a slice of toast, taking her time to butter every inch of it as she could in hopes the woman would just leave her alone since she hadn't gotten what she wanted but it seemed like everything else she did, Emmeline was persistent and patient in waiting.
“I’m not here for gossip, actually.” Emmeline claimed with a roll of her shoulders and pursed lips, like she was actually upset by the thought though Hermione couldn't quite figure out why when everyone knew to keep their mouths shut around the brunette unless you wanted shit spread. "I know you think you know me but - "
"I mean why would you figure that? We only spent the past seven years attending the same classes and sharing the same room." Hermione snarked, sneering at the girl slightly, as she dropped her knife onto her plate.
It was a weird feeling, to know so much about a person you didn't like. Emmeline and Hermione had never gotten along, through the sake of not trying on both their parts and the wounds they had inflicted in those times ran too deep to be repaired with a simple conversation - yet they knew so much about each other, the kind of stuff you only knew from living with someone for the better part of a year.
Hermione knew that when Emmeline woke up she normally went to have a glass of water, brush her teeth and prepare for the day. She knew the girl usually preferred showering at night and studying just before she slept - that her family didn't celebrate Christmas on the 25th but instead on the 24th, as was the tradition in Iceland and as such Emmeline enjoyed singing the songs of her mothers native land when she was stressed. There was so much more that Hermione could add but it seemed so strange to list a persons habits when she didn't exactly like the other person.
“And we both have slept and been dumped by the same man.” And there was one of the reasons why. Hermione clenched her jaw as she glared at the smirking face of Emmeline, once again wondering why the young woman was sat here engaging in chat like the were old time friends.
"What's your point?"
"I'm trying to get there." The other woman spoke softly, almost too softly. Her tanned face tensed up again before it changed to a look that could only be described as giving up, followed by words Hermione had never thought she would hear Emmeline Vance utter. “We have a lot in common, you and I, life wise because lets be honest here, no one can quite match up to my looks.” She said with a grin as she flicked her hair over her shoulder.
Hermione opened her mouth to tell Emmeline that there were plenty of beautiful girls at the school, and a few that would knock her off of her pedestal. Like Marlene who turned head everywhere she went, or that fifth year Hufflepuff who seemed to have all the boys chasing after her, but it would change nothing.
And it didn’t matter anyway because Emmeline started speaking again. “You know I was always a bit jealous of you.” She spoke with a sigh as Hermione frowned at her. “Because despite the similarities, people actually like you, respect you and admire your talent.” Hermione had never imagined in her life that those words would fall from Vance's mouth and yet here she was.
“Maybe because I’m not a bitch to everyone 24/7.”
“But you are!” Emmeline cried, slapping a hand against the table with her eyes wide. “Maybe not in the same way as me – but you spend half of your time ignoring the school, refusing to getting to know anyone out of your circle, walking around like you own the place and suffering no consequences!” She finished with a slight glare as Hermione rolled her eyes.
“I think I’ve suffered enough consequences in my shit show of a life that people can understand why I don’t want to be stared at like some kind of zoo animal, or spend my time getting to know people that hold no interest.” Hermione remarked coldly but Emmeline just looked at her like Hermione was proving her point.
“Exactly, and despite all of that coldness, people feel sympathy for you and you could have used that to your advantage but you never did!” Emmeline cried with a slight smile on her face to which Hermione responded with a roll of her eyes. This conversation seemed both enlightening and slightly useless at the same time, Hermione had no idea what had even brought it on or if she wanted to hear more yet she couldn't seem to want to climb out of her seat.
“I can tell them to give it to you instead if you want, because I think there are more important things in the world than pity.” Hermione dryly spoke back as Emmeline rolled her eyes while her reached for The Daily Prophet, if she wasn't going to move then there had to be something of more interest in the stupid paper.
"I'm just realising that."
Hermione closed the paper and frowned at Emmeline, crossing her arms over her chest and waiting for the girl to speak but only to be met by silence which meant she was going to have to initiate the conversation. "Why now?" Emmeline stared at her in shock, eyebrows raised high on her head and her mouth hanging open in confusion. "Why are you wanting to speak about this now?"
"I used to think being different was the worst thing that could happen - for a while I even hated my mum from being Icelandic and my dad for being half black." She paused and looked to Hermione like she was waiting for her to interrupt before she carried on. "They didn't see what they had given me, I didn't see it either until a couple of years ago when things started getting worse. You know, racism is still a thing in this country and it's taken me this long to see how brave my parents were to do what they did at that time." Emmeline blinked, raising her hand to wipe away a few tears.
It was strange to see the girl be so vulnerable, and it made Hermione slightly uncomfortable, as she tried to think of what to say before sighing. “I understand.” She whispered as Emmeline frowned. “I may not be biologically Euphemia Potter’s daughter, but I am her daughter and James’ sister, and I’ve seen how cruel the world can be to people of different races – and I’m sorry for that.” Hermione whispered as she pulled out a napkin from under her plate and passed it to the girl, feeling her heart ache slightly at what Emmeline had been holding in.
It would never be the same and Hermione would never fully understand it, but she could be there and try to make a difference in the world. It had never been an issue for her, family was family at the end of the day and discrimination was a cruel ruthless thing that should have been long gone from the world, but it was relentless in how it tainted seemingly everything.
“Thank you.” Emmeline muttered out. “Maybe that’s why I wanted to talk to you, or maybe I was just hoping you would lend an ear to a person who had a hard life and needed someone to talk to.”
Despite everything, Hermione still struggled not to cringe away and leave. A conversation didn’t make their relationship better, but it might help. “Well I’m here.” She whispered as Emmeline offered her a watery smile.
“You’re very brave, so are your friends and your family – my parents are brave too, they never hesitated in which side they would join or who they would fight for -” She faltered slightly, the smile falling to give way to something sadder. “Sometimes I feel like I’ve disappointed them with being so cruel to people who never deserved it.”
“It’s not too late to change.”
“I’m trying.” She whispered, as though she was scared people would hear her. “And in a few months when we leave this school, I know where I will be going and what I will be doing – and let’s put it this way Potter, I would rather have you on my side than against me." Hermione frowned, she wasn’t sure if the girl was asking for forgiveness or letting her know that she would be around once school finished.
Getting away from this place was going to be harder than it seemed when everyone was getting ready to fight and join the Order.
“Likewise.”
"Well I better get going, I have to get some books from the library and it seems our ex-boyfriend is heading this way." And just like that she was back to her normal self, downing the rest of her tea and jumping off of her seat with a wicked grin, flicking her hair over her should and waggling her fingers with her other hand to Hermione. "But I'll see you later.”
"Sure?" What else was Hermione supposed to say? After everything it wasn't like she could say, no thank you, the girl had opened up to her and placed a whole new light above her brunette head in a way that actually made Hermione sympathize with her. They did have a lot in common, and no Hermione had never really had to deal with the racial side of things, she could still imagine the pain the other girl had gone through.
"Good." Emmeline claimed as she turned to grin at Sirius who stood there looking beyond confused and slightly frightened, like two girls who had both seen him naked without fighting was one of his worst nightmares. "Bye Sirius." Hermione let out a small laugh as Emmeline patted his hair and skipped away, leaving what could only be described as a confused mess to take her space.
Sirius looked between them both, a grimace on his face as he looked at the empty seat Emmeline had just left, and then to Hermione with a gulp. “Erm...James and Remus should be down in a few minutes.”
Merlin, it was so awkward but Hermione forced a small smile on her face. “You can sit down, you know, we don’t have to talk.” As strong as she tried to make the words, there was a small tremble underneath and a hope that he would say no and leave.
Of course, Sirius took that as a sign to sit, fingers rapping on the table and eyes looking anywhere but her before he coughed and spoke. “So what did Vance want?”
“To talk.”
“About what?”
“Nothing that concerns you – if you’re so interested then go and ask Emmeline.” Hermione mumbled, looking back at the paper and skimming over the words. It was awkward to have him sat before her, made her fidget in ways she didn’t like.
“So is this another secret we are adding to the ever growing list?” Sirius spat out as he reached for some food and glared at her as she looked back at him.
It didn’t matter what the last words they said to each other when they broke up were, it didn’t matter that they had had an honest conversation and she had hoped they would be able to work something out, because the anger still resided. “No, it’s just that it was a private conversation where some things were said that I don’t feel comfortable telling everyone about.”
“Haven’t heard that before.” He muttered to himself.
“Listen I get that you are angry with me, I’m angry too, but that doesn’t mean you get to guilt trip me into telling other peoples secrets.” Hermione hissed across the table, before looking away. The hall was filling up and it would do no good for them to fight with so many people watching them.
“I’m not – wait...what do you have to be angry about?” Sirius asked with a frown before something seemed to click behind his eyes. “Right, but why does it seem you are angry at me? I mean, what have I done?” Hermione narrowed her eyes.
There was a list that she could get into but none of it would probably compare to the betrayal and hurt he felt at her hands, and she could understand that. She could mention Octans, disappeared because he had stopped her from finally ending things – she could blame that on him and let her anger known at the whole situation.
Yet, she would just get excuses back, things that made sense but did nothing to quell the anger she felt at the situation. She had had the same talk with Benjy, who had told her he would try and bring Bellatrix in for what she did but it was out of his hands, too much fighting happening around them, and not enough man power to try and bring her in.
Her tongue poked at the back of her teeth and she breathed out of her nose and looked back down at the paper. “I’m not getting into this now, there are people watching and honestly, I don’t think we need to have this conversation in front of them.”
“Well I don’t -”
“Woah, woah – let’s calm down and put the claws away.” James was there then, sitting on one side of Sirius while Remus went to the other. “What’s happening here?” Her brother asked as he looked between them both.
“He’s being an arse.”
“And she’s been a secretive bitch.”
“Hey!” James shouted, his hand reaching out to punch the arm of his best friend before he pointed a finger in Sirius’ face. “Call her that again and I’ll break your legs.”
“Yeah, Pads, you don’t call a girl that.” Remus joined in, shaking his head as his expression shifted into one of disappointment, like one parents seemed to have mastered that made you want to shrink in on yourself.
Sirius huffed, as Hermione raised an eyebrow. “Sorry.”
“I’ve been called worse.” Hermione muttered back as Remus sighed and shook his head at her.
“Mi’, not helping.”
“Maybe we should turn to brighter topics – like someone’s birthday in a few days.” James grinned warily as he looked between the two before leaning around Sirius to look at Remus. “I was thinking a party – and get this, me and Pads, came up with the best idea – Wonderland.” Her spread his hands in the air like there was a title between them as he grinned crookidly.
“Yeah, no, a normal party would do or maybe even just relaxing in the dorm with friends.” Remus answered back with widening eyes.
“No!” James cried as he reached out to grab Remus’ hand. “Mate, you’re only eighteen once and according to Muggle legends, this is the most important birthday – it’s when you become an adult.” He whispered the last words as though it was a secret no one else could hear.
“Did Lily tell you that in between sucking off each others faces?” Remus asked back, amused as he pulled his hand away. “Or was it during pillowtalk?” He whispered slightly as James blushed.
“We haven’t – we haven’t done that, not that it’s any of your business.”
“Alright then – well I agree to a party but Hermione you’re in charge.” Hermione’s eyes widened as she looked at the three boys, trying her best not to focus on Sirius. “Prongs, Lily’s party was insane, and I know you love her and everything, but I don’t want crazy.” Remus added before James could say anything else, before he turned back to Hermione with a hopeful look. “Though...maybe you could invite Edith...I wouldn’t mind that.”
“So you’re talking again?” Hermione asked with a pleased grin as she turned to look over her shoulder at the girl in question. Nothing seemed different as she ate from a small bowl and read something.
“Talking, giggling...kissing...it’s very annoying.” James spoke, rolling his eyes before grinning as Remus frowned at him. “What? You try and out me and I’ll out you.”
“Out me then, and I won’t have a party.” Remus spoke as James and Sirius gasped dramatically. “It’s not like we need another one – there was the one last weekend after winning against Hufflepuff, and then there will be another in a couple of weeks for your birthday...might be a bit much.” His eyes twinkled with amusement as Sirius shook his head in disagreement while James narrowed his eyes.
“You’re having a party, and if it makes you feel any better, I won’t be having a party.”
“Prongs!” Sirius cried out. “No – why?”
“Mi’ and I have plans that weekend.” James explained shortly, looking back at Hermione with a grin that could only be called evil. “Or did you think I forgot?” He added as she glared at him.
“I hoped you had.” She muttered, the idea was no less tempting than it had been six months ago when he brought it up for her own birthday. He pouted at her, in a way that made her heart melt slightly and her eyes roll. “Fine, but you’re paying.” She added as she stood up from her seat.
“It’s for my birthday!” He cried, like a five year old who wasn’t getting their way. Amusing and annoying to no end.
“And I’m doing this for you.” Hermione replied sweetly, giving him an equally sweet smile as she continued. “Or we could just tell mum and dad and ask them to -”
“It will be treat, sweet sister, just keep your mouth shut.” James hissed across the table as she laughed, picking up her bag and placing it onto her shoulder as Sirius and Remus looked between them both, confused and intrigued.
“What are you two going to do?” Sirius asked, furrowed brows and jaw so tightly set that he almost couldn’t get the words out. It made her want to roll her eyes, and tell him to keep his nose out but she doubted it would do much good.
James let out a small cough and innocent smile as he shrugged his shoulders and offered a vague response. “Just a sibling thing.”
...
Saturday the 11th of March 1978
Hermione sat watching the party, true to her word she had kept it small, though most hadn’t complained. They were reaching the end of the year and it seemed most fifth to seventh years were focusing more on the studying they had been putting off for the past few months. How strange it was to think that in three short months they would be done with this place forever.
Seven years of feeling like this was ‘home’ would become nothing more than a fickle memory of youth. Jobs, life and everything else would get in the way. War would become their main focus.
She was ready to leave the school and the watchful eye of Dumbledore, yet she couldn’t say if she was truly ready for what adulthood would throw at her. There were times she tried to imagine the other Hermione in this situation, but something about it always felt off – like maybe the other Hermione never got to experience her final year or the preparation.
“Hey.” Lily sat down beside her with flushed cheeks and a secretive smile. “So I need you to do me a favour, if anyone asks, me and James have gone to do rounds and we’ll be back soon.”
“What?”
“I mean we would go up to the bedroom, but it’s Remus’ birthday and I don’t want to put a damper on things.” Lily whispered, her cheeks turning even pinker as Hermione frowned and looked at Remus.
He stood close to Edith, a calm smile that she rarely saw on his face as he spoke to the smaller girl. There was no indication to anyone else that it was romantic but Hermione had known the boy for seven years and she could see the softness in his features and the way his hand kept twitching towards the girl like he wanted to hold her hand or pull her closer.
Hermione couldn’t be anything but happy for them, whatever they were, but she also couldn’t stop the slight sadness that filled her. When she looked at Remus and his romantic prospects she had always imagine clumsy and unsure love, one that had to be fought for and the colour pink. She imagine the memory she had seen a year ago.
“First of all; I doubt one kiss is going to have them running upstairs.” Hermione muttered as she looked back to Lily. “And two – ew...I do not need to know what you and my brother are getting up to.” She added with a scrunched up face as Lily glared.
“Well not that, not yet.” Her friend muttered, but her cheeks were pinker than ever.
“I’m going to throw up.”
“Listen, most of the people in this school had to hear about you and Sirius doing all kinds of stuff – so you can deal with this.” Lily pointed out, as Hermione winced and looked away to where her ex was drinking and chatting with friends.
“Whatever, just get out of here before I announce to everyone what you are going to do.” Hermione spoke, sipping from her own drink and trying not to remember the things that her and Sirius had got up to in their year long ‘relationship’.
“Fine.” Lily spoke, standing up and giving Hermione a quick grin before she bent down and placed a kiss on Hermione’s cheek. “Try to enjoy the party a bit, alright.”
Hermione watched her go. Watched as James ran out of the common room after her, happy smiles on their faces and the feeling of exploring a growing relationship. Her and Sirius’ seemed to crash and burn as quickly as it started, officially, and sometimes love wasn’t enough to save yourself from exploding.
It seemed she sat there in her spot, half hidden out of the way until the party died down to nothing but a few people lingering and a trashed common room. It was easier than getting up and laying in her bed where she would have to force herself to sleep and awake a couple of hours later after nightmares with her nerves on fire.
Most people tried to forget about the fight, their first taste at war, trying to block everything out and move on with their lives. Forget that Hermione had felt an unforgivable at the end of Bellatrix’s wand the moment she was deemed stable enough to leave the Hospital Wing from Pomfrey and her own mother.
“What are you still doing up?” A soft voice spoke, a pair of icy blue eyes in the darkened room moving closer and closer until Marlene McKinnon stood before Hermione with a frown.
There was a haunted look to her too, and Hermione felt guilty. It was hard to forget in her own grief that Marlene had all but ripped a mans leg off with her own teeth, would have killed him if she could have.
Hermione sighed, digging her nail into the old wood of the table as she answered. “Didn’t want to sleep.” She took a deep breath as she looked at her best friend who looked more worn than Hermione had ever seen her. “You?”
“The same though I imagine for different reasons.”
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Hermione whispered into the night. It was dark, and colours barely seemed to exist. Just variations of grey. It felt like the whole world looked like that at the moment.
Marlene sighed, raising a single eyebrow. “Probably the same reason you don’t want to tell people what your secret is.” She huffed out as Hermione blinked, slightly taken back, her mouth opening to reply but Marlene beat her to it. “Like I’ve said before, it’s none of more business.”
“Right.”
“It started off as something cool, and maybe a bit of jealously at the boys – but it ended up being something that could be helpful in the war.” Marlene muttered, picking at her nails and avoiding Hermione’s eye. “I’m already walking a thin line being with Regulus, I need something that can keep me safe.”
Hermione nodded her head in agreement. “I understand.”
“I didn’t mean to what I did, but I was already running late and by the time I got there I saw Sirius changing and I didn’t think – it was either him or Lily or Remus, and I made a choice.” Marlene whispered, eyes glistening. “He looked so scared, and his life was in my hands, and I could taste his blood – and for a second I thought I was going to kill him – I wish I had some days.” Tears fell down her cheeks, her hands shaking.
“I wanted to kill Octans, I would have tried if Sirius didn’t stop me, and I’ll try again if I get the chance but I know it won’t make anything better.” Hermione mumbled, looking away. “It won’t bring back my Maman, it won’t change the years or take away everything that had happened.” But for a few seconds if would probably make her feel like she was on top of the world.
It was silent between them for a while, both of them turning over everything in their heads, or maybe thinking of what to say next.
“It’s Bellatrix, isn’t you?” Marlene whispered as Hermione looked at her. “Your nightmares, you dream about her and what she did to you.” Hermione looked away and blinked back tears.
How long had she been under the cruciatus curse? A few seconds, where no one could have done anything yet it had felt like been going on for years. There were people out there who had probably been under it for much longer, that deserved to feel worse than she did.
Yet, memories of the other Hermione’s pain were on a loop in her head. The screaming, the pain, the cutting of her skin – the scar that had somehow been left behind from it. Two different times that overlapped and made her feel sick.
“I get nightmares too – ones where I don’t make it time, ones where Regulus tells me earlier and I try and save the boy…” Marlene trailed off as Hermione gulped.
A thirteen year old boy dead, gone from the world before he could even live and life was supposed to continue as usual like they weren’t all aware the family weren’t fuming at Dumbledore and the school board was more than prepared to step in and Hogsmeade trips were cancelled for the forseeable future.
“Dumbledore is the one that should be paying for that and no one else.” Hermione mutter with a hatred in her voice that almost surprised her. “He knew all along, Benjy told me, and he did nothing but add more Order members – the safety of his students means nothing to him.” She snarled out as Marlene looked at her in surprise.
If her best friend though anything of it then she didn’t say anything. Marlene, had always been good with filling a silence or sharing her opinions, in ways that in the past had gotten her in trouble or people angry at her, but these days she seemed more mature, able to sit in the silence.
It helped calm Hermione’s mind.
...
Saturday the 25th of March 1978
The bell above the door of the tattoo parlour rang loudly, making James almost jumped as he looked up at the noise in wonder – like a baby finding their feet for the first time. Hermione pushed him into the room with a frown, before throwing another one over her shoulder as Lily chuckled behind her.
Hermione had been strong armed into this, and it showed as she looked around the slightly dingy and dark studio, though still cleaner than the dodgy streets outside. James, however, was swaggering over to the desk with a grin on his face and the appearance of someone who had managed to get him way once again. Idiot.
“This is going to be so much fun.”
“Why are you here?” Hermione asked, crossing her arms over her chest and scowling at her best friend as the red head chuckled.
“Ello?” A cockney accented voice spoke as the three looked towards the desk where a heavily tattooed man with a bald head and a deep frown on his face, appeared and looked at them all with suspicion, even as James grinned at him. “Can I help you?”
“Yes my good Sir, we are here to get a tattoo.” James grinned as the mans scowl deepened.
“How old are you lot?”
“Eighteen.” James lied smoothly as he reached his hand into his pocket before pulling out some money. More than he should have as Lily’s eyes widened and the tattoo man gulped, eyes on the notes like it was gold, Hermione rolled her eyes at the pair of them.
“Just had to make sure.” The man grumbled, finally looking away from the money and to the girls. “Are you all getting a tattoo?”
“No, no – I’m just here to take the pictures and watch Hermione squirm.” Lily called, red cheeked and laughing as Hermione frowned at her.
“Such a good friend.”
“No Sir, it’s just me – you can call me James – and my sister Hermione – Lily is just here for moral support.” James coughed out, sending a quick look to his girlfriend who rolled her eyes but pulled her hand from out of where it had been reaching for something in her bag.
“Mick.” The bloke grumbled out as he focused on Hermione with a frown before turning back to James. “She doesn’t seem too happy to be here.”
“No, that’s just her normal face, right Mi’?” James asked with a nervous laugh. Hermione was tempted to tell him to shove it and storm out like she had wanted to do since the moment she arrived here, but James had been so excited and she couldn’t do that to him.
Instead she gave the guy a deadpanned look, no emotion on her face or in her voice as she spoke. “Yep, never been able to look happy a day in my life.”
To her surprise the tattoo artist let out a small chuckle. “So any ideas of what you would like?” He asked after a second. “I have a book if you need any -”
“Not a problem my good man, I came prepared.” James grinned as he pulled out a piece of parchment from his jacket pocket and slapped it in front of the man behind his desk, who stared at the thick paper with a frown. “I drew it myself.” He added proudly.
“I didn’t know you could draw.” Lily whispered as she stared down at the parchment with her own frown. “Impressive.” She spoke breathy, fluttering her lashes in James’ direction who blushed while Hermione scrunched up her face and the man looked more amused.
“It’s literally a few lines.”
“Don’t be a hater, Hermione.” Lily hissed to her as Hermione rolled her eyes.
“Is this some kind of secret language?” Mick asked as he frowned down at the paper while Hermione fought the instinct to walk out the shop and find someone else who asked no questions and just did what he was asked.
“It’s Futhorc.” She said instead, letting out a sigh when he looked at her like her answer helped him very little in terms of figuring out what was written on the parchment. “The written language of the Anglo-Saxons.”
“Sorry, my sister is a bit of a history nut – wouldn’t do this unless she could use it in some special way for our family, you know.” James laughed nervously, sending a quick glare to Hermione.
“So it’s a family thing.”
"Yes and no – but mainly no." James said as he waved his hand in the air and tilted his head to the side mischievously. "It's more...symbolic." He grinned as Mick narrowed his eyes at them.
“Alright then – let’s go take a seat.” Mick grumbled out, gripping the parchment as he led them to the back of the shop and raised an eyebrow as Lily hung back slightly and James and Hermione looked around the room. “One of you gonna sit down or what?” He asked.
Hermione gulped as James nudged her side, before she timidly stepped forward and sat herself down on the chair, while Mick got to work tracing and getting the stencil ready. He turned to look at her, a frown on his face. “This size alright?”
Hermione nodded her head silently as he turned back to his work, listening to James and Lily as they whispered together, but her eyes remained focused on the man before her as he began pulling out his needles and ink out of their packets.
“Where do you want it?”
“Here.” Hermione spoke as she ran a hand over the back of her shoulder. Mick chuckled slightly, letting a hiss out between his teeth as he shrugged his shoulders.
“Might hurt a bit.” Hermione shrugged her shoulders, what was a bit of pain in comparasion to other things she had seen in life. It seemed to be enough for Mick though as he stuck out his bottom lip and nodded his head. “You’ll have to...erm….show your shoulders.”
“I came prepared, don’t worry.” Hermione chuckled lowly as she slipped out of her jacket. She was wearing one of Marlene’s tops, a vest with no straps that didn’t feel secure in the slightest, but didn’t require her taking off her clothes.
“Well then, let’s get started.”
Cool hands placed the stencil on her back, the paper moved away to no doubt leave a print behind as Hermione tried her best to focus on nothing as the sound of the tattoo gun came to life along with the first jolt of pain.
Her teeth clenched together, it felt a little too familiar and distant at the same time, but it was a pain she could deal with.
“So whats a couple of posh folk doing looking for tattoos?” Mick spoke, a surprisingly gentle hand pressed against her back to stretch out the skin while the other did the work.
“Why do people think we are posh?” James asked, no doubt turning to look at Lily.
“You live in a manor, had a governess, go – went to a private school and well...have you heard how you speak?” Lily asked, though there was amusement in her voice as Hermione rolled her eyes. Mick stopped tattooing for a second, letting out a gruff laugh before continuing.
“Yeah, but...but you go...er...went to the same school too!” James cried, and Hermione could almost see him throwing him arms in the air and his eyes wide behind his glasses.
“It’s not the same.” Lily muttered back.
The two bickered between them in a way that seemed to grow more flirty with every passing comment while Hermione kept silent, focusing on the sharp pain of the lines being tattooed into her skin. It seemed to go on forever and rapidly.
For it was only a few seconds later that Mick was gently wiping a cloth over her back, and then pressing something to it, like a plaster or a bandage, and pushing his chair away that Hermione finally allowed herself to raise her head as he spoke. “Finished – you can get up now.”
Hermione did as he asked, wincing as she rolled her shoulder slightly, a slight throbbing on her skin. “Thank you.” She muttered as she stood up on shaky legs and moved to the mirror, turning around and craning her neck to see the tattoo.
It was hard to make out through the murky mirror and a piece of plastic taped to her back, along with the slight bleeding and weeping ink. Merlin, she hoped she didn’t get infection from this.
Like he read her thoughts, Mick spoke as he prepared at the same time for James who had sat down eagerly and rolled up his sleeve to expose his bicep. “You’ll need to keep the plastic on for at least 24 hours, it will probably ache for a few days and scab up, might get itchy but don’t scratch it or rub it with any soap.”
“Will do.” Hermione spoke with a small smile as she looked to Lily who raised an eyebrow. Mick had no idea what the power of a wand could do to hurry up healing.
“Now, you ready, kid?”
“Very!”
…
The way back to Hogwarts was almost silent, except for the quiet murmurings of the couple that followed behind Hermione. It was risky to have gone out of the castle, even riskier for them to be sneaking back in but they had brought the cloak, even if all three of them no longer fit under it and Hermione was skilled enough to cast a disillusionment charm on herself.
They stopped outside the entrance, James bringing out the map to check that there was no one there to stop them.
“It’s clear,” He mumbled, throwing out a hand to stop Hermione as she reached for the portrait. “Wait.”
“What’s up?” She asked with a frown, figuring that someone had appeared and they needed to wait before she saw the apprehension on James’ face and slight frown on Lily’s, her best friend stepping closer to the slightly small space. “What?”
Lily was moving before Hermione could even blink, reaching for Hermione’s jacket sleeve and pushing it up to her elbow to reveal the healed scar left over from a memory. It was easy to see what had meant to be written and Hermione couldn’t help but swallow the sudden lump in her throat as she looked at Lily.
The word would always hurt her friend more than it hurt Hermione, but there was a small part of Hermione that wanted to curl up in a ball and cry at the sight of it, that felt personal effected by it.
Gulping, she gently pulled her arm away and her sleeve back down, before she could say anything, Lily was already speaking. “When did this happen and who did this?”
Both James and Lily were looking at her with such worry, waiting for her to confess. “Bellatrix.” Hermione mumbled.
“How -”
“In the past...the future – in a dream or a memory.” She explained lowly as Lily’s eyes widened and James seemed to take a second to understand what she was talking about. “I think...I think it’s a side effect of the memories, or of the other Hermione’s magic...like a manifestation or something.” She looked away, not wanting to see their pity.
Her hand reached for the portrait, shoving it open and stepping out before they could stop her, marching back towards the common room as their footsteps followed and Lily was pulling her back with surprising strength.
“Hermione, you should have told us.”
“What was I supposed to say?” Hermione asked, crossing her arms over her chest and letting out a bitter laugh. “I had a dream, and woke up to my arm bleeding and somehow already half healed – it was noth-”
“Don’t you dare say it’s nothing.” Lily snapped, pointing finger at her as James clutched the bridge of his nose. “Nose bleeds and passing out from pushing yourself too hard to remember are one thing – waking up with past scars that haven’t and won’t happen is another thing.” Her emerald eyes were wide with what looked like fear, her arm shaking off James’ as he stepped forward to grab her softly, whispering her name.
“I can’t help what I dream about, Lily – trust me, if I could then I wouldn’t exactly want to have dreams of Bellatrix torturing a version of me that doesn’t exist.” Hermione hissed back, her cheeks feeling hot and her eyes looking away as they both looked at her with sympathy.
Neither would know what it was like to be tortured and to have to feel it nearly every night or be forced into some memory in her dreams where the other version of her was tortured even more cruelly than Hermione had known.
Lily sighed, holding up her hands in surrender and softening her voice. “Then go to Madam Pomfrey and explain that you are still having side effects – get some dreamless sleep potion and -”
“And subject myself to a highly addictive potion just to get a good nights rest.” Hermione countered, shaking her head. “Lily, my dreams are seemingly the only place my memories come out at the moment, and this is the only reaction I’ve had in months – I can deal with this if it means remembering things.” She whispered out, uncrossing her arms and running a hand through her hair.
“Well we can’t deal with it if it means you end up wearing yourself out so much that you end up severly injured or…” They all knew what Lily was going to say, James seemed pale and Lily’s eyes filled with tears as they let the unspoken word hang in the air between them, before Lily spoke again. “Hermione, this is serious, and as your friends and your family, we are here for you, but you have to let us be here for you.”
She had, hadn’t she? They knew her deepest and darkest secret, they had been crucial to helping her – without Lily she might have not found the diadem and without James she wouldn’t have been able to do anything. They had been there for her and they had helped her so much but clearly it wasn’t enough, because that’s how it always seemed to be.
Give your all only to fail. Give your heart and have it crushed. Give your mind and have it taken from you. Give, give and give, only to make a series of mistakes that meant you lost people and respect.
In the end it meant you were alone, wondering what would happen next and who would leave or want more than you could give. Sometimes it was better that way and sometimes you ended up craving more than you should want.
Hermione tried to smile, but it felt forced and ached her cheeks more than it should have as she looked at Lily and then James. “I know, and you have no idea how much that means to me.” But it’s never going to change things.
…
Monday the 3rd of April 1978
The potions classroom had always been one of her least favourites with it’s pungent smell and Professor Slughorn walking between the desks with his loud voice and tinkering laugh as he tried to get as many of them as he could to join his Slugclub, or introduce them to someone in his pocket for when they leave school.
Beside her, Snape was preparing ingredients for their shared potion, one she was forced into because Slughorn thought it would be ‘good’ for them, like they hadn’t spent the past seven years glaring and trading nasty insults to each other. Like Hermione didn’t still have a small scar from his nasty jinx years ago.
Still she had said nothing and let him pick what they would be making and prepare everything as she stood behind the pot trying to follow instructions that held little attention compared to the front of the room where something was happening to make her seethe.
A girl that Hermione was sure was in Hufflepuff, stood giggling, her hand over her mouth and her eyes hooded as she looked underneath her lashes at the man making her laugh. He didn’t seem to be doing much but talking with a slight smirk but it was enough for the girl, for any girl in Hogwarts it seemed, and for that Hermione couldn’t help but glare.
It hadn’t been that long since they broke up and yet here Sirius Black was flirting for her to see, for all seventh years in potions to see, like she was nothing more than a faint memory.
Her spoon knocked against her cauldron but she didn’t look down to see as she reached for the next ingredient and glared ahead, resentment building up in her very core. Though she knew it wasn’t fair, she couldn’t help but feel it, invite it in and hold it close to her chest.
“Potter!” Snape’s voice hissed as she blinked and turned to look at him with raised eyebrows. “Are you planning to blow us all up?” He asked, snatching the ingredient out of her hand before she could put it in the potion.
Hermione blinked again, looking down at her now empty hand and then to what Snape had taken from her, he had moved it far out of the way but it didn’t seem too dangerous. Her mouth opened to fight but as she looked down at the cauldron the words died in her throat.
The liquid inside was thick, like custard and the colour was bright red, neither were a correct step in the instructions and Hermione couldn’t help but wince as she let the spoon go and stepped back.
“I had thought you were capable of making a decent potion but I can see you are set on jeopardising the both of us.” Snape sneered out as he threw something into the cauldron while Hermione looked back to the front again before looking back at Snape. “If you can’t handle this then you should go ask Slughorn for a less advanced partner.” He added, lip curling as Hermione rolled her eyes.
“I’m fine.” Hermione mumbled as she looked at the instructions again. “Though I would be better if I could work on my own and not with you.”
Snape’s eyes narrowed, and his expression was almost hurt and frosty as he drawled at her. “Because we can all see how well you've been managing on your own.”
It hurt like a slap to the face, even if Snape was nothing more than a pain in her side she would rather not deal with. Yet, he wasn’t wrong. Being on her own was harder than she thought, and it wasn’t like she didn’t spend time with her friends or brother but it was hard when her ex was always around too.
It didn’t mean she didn’t want to see Sirius, she cared for him and loved him still, and she understood that being in a part of a group meant awkward moments they were forced to share. And it didn’t mean she didn’t want to be his friend but this whole thing was worse than her break up with Zach, which even then had turned more frosty.
Sirius just didn’t seem to give up. Break up or not, he still had one eye on her secret and she knew that. Even if they never got back together, he wanted to know, no matter what happened.
Her temper swirled as the Hufflepuff laughed again, her head snapping to the side to glare at Snape. “You know nothing – just because you’re a miserable son of bitch doesn’t mean everyone else has to be.” It was slightly cruel and Snape flinched before he smirked.
He leaned in closer to her, black eyes glinting. “I don’t have to do anything, it’s obvious to everyone how miserable you are – and you know what they say, Potter, misery loves company.”
“Yes, as long as it’s not yours.”
Before Snape could say anything, a burst of laughter was heard from behind them, the pair of them turning to see Lily chuckling at something James was doing, his eyes wide as he looked down at his girlfriend with what could only adoration. It both hurt and pleased Hermione to see.
Yet, as she turned to look back at Snape she could see the way his jaw tensed and his eyes seemed to grow darker. “What a fool.”
“Watch your mouth, Snape.” Hermione hissed under her breath as Slughorn passed by them. “She’s happy, and she wants nothing to do with you – she told you that, so maybe stop hiding in the shadows and obsessing.” She added, voice icier than before.
Snape sneered at her, eyes sparkling with something unknown. “Because you’re one to talk – do you like watching your ex flirt with someone across the room – do you like hurting yourself?” A smirk took over his face, dangerous and amused as she looked back at him as coldly as she could, his eyes flickering to her sleeve like he knew what lay underneath.
“No more than you do.”
“It really is pathetic, and somehow I thought better of you, but here you are pining over Black while he moves on to someone else...or as I heard many someones.” Snape taunted, a small laugh leaving his mouth as Hermione clenched her fists.
“Shut up.” She hissed, embarrassed that nothing else could come out of her mouth, that her words had escaped her and her cutting insults were nothing to the boy before her.
Snape’s gaze was piercing as he leaned forward, lowering his voice to a dangerous whisper. “You’re tinged in bitterness and jealousy, watching someone you care about move on with someone else – letting that poison eat away at you...much like our potion will once you are finished with it.” Hermione looked away and down to the potion that she had begun stirring again.
She stepped back and frowned, willing her brain to think of something, anything that she could use to fight back. “It sounds like you know from experience, but it won’t be me whose a bitter old man – I’ll move on from him and this conversation in no time.”
“I don’t -”
“Lily doesn’t want you, she’ll never want someone who would happily join a group who murders Muggleborns for fun.” She hissed, Snape frowned at her like she had slapped him. “Who could want someone who worships a mass murderer?” She added as Snape frowned at her before looking away.
“I wonder if you say the same things to your friend.” Snape’s whisper reached her ear as his eyes locked on the back of Marlene, who was frowning down at her potion and ignoring the person beside her who seemed more focused on drawing.
Her breath was shaky as she looked down at the cauldron. It wasn’t the first time he had mentioned something like this, their last encounter outside the room of requirement came to life but it hadn’t been as obvious then as it was now.
Snape knew. It was obvious and somehow she didn’t think Regulus had been the one to tell him, which meant Marlene and Regulus either weren’t being as careful as they thought they were or they were being followed by the sneering man beside her.
“Though I suppose anyone would be better after your brother, even if the company is far more dangerous.” Snape continued, whispering with a smirk. “Though I suppose Regulus wavering loyalties make her feel safer – do you think she would feel safer if she knew the things he had done, or the things he will do?” It was a bold claim and one that Hermione feel as though all the blood had drained from her body.
She refused to give in though, refused to let him see that he had got to her. She could bring up many things, ones that involved him, but it would throw Regulus under the bus – give the man concrete proof he might need to convince Voldemort.
Instead she played on the innocence, narrowing her eyes. "What are you insinuating?"
Snape looked at her with what could only be pity, his voice a mere whisper in the wind and a smirk on his face. “Some relationships aren’t as innocent as they seem, twisting people in something else, shrouded in darkness and hidden under layers of deceit.” He spoke the words so truthfully as all but grinned. “But I don’t have to tell you about deceit, do I Potter?”
Her heart pounded furiously as she looked away from him. She wasn’t sure what he knew but he knew something and it was enough to send her spiralling into a panic, but she wouldn’t let him see it.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Your lies are bigger than a mountain, and it will all come tumbling down soon enough.” Snape whispering, smirking again. “And then, they’ll all leave you, like Black did – like your mummy did – like your daddy -”
“Shut the fuck up!” Hermione snapped, her voice louder than it was meant to be as she turned to face him, her wand in her hand. She could send him flying backwards in a second, wipe that smirk off his face and end this.
The dungeon was silent around them, as Hermione took a deep breath and looked around. They were all watching them, waiting to see what would happen – wondering what had happened. To everyone else there had been no indication.
They hadn’t heard the whispers of Snape, heard his stinging comments, they had just heard Hermione shout and point her wand at him.
Her eyes landed on Sirius, silver orbs of frustration watching her, no longer flirting with his partner which should have relieved her but now it only made her stomach turn as she lowered her wand, and he rolled his eyes before turning back to his own cauldron.
Slughorn was speaking, trying to calm them down or asking what had happened but Hermione couldn’t hear the words over the roaring of blood in her ears. Her cheeks were burning and Snape was looking particularly proud of himself. He had gotten the reaction he wanted, and she had embarrassed herself in front of the whole class.
She had done this before and she had had to deal with McGonagall. Her hands shook as she reached for her bag, ignoring Slughorn as he continued to speak. She refused to look at anyone as she rushed out of the classroom. No doubt she would be punished for this in some way or another.
...
Wednesday the 3rd of April 1978
Hermione had done a good job of avoiding everyone so far. Going to classes as late as she could, leaving before everyone else or staying behind to clean up as a punishment for Slughorn. It was tame and she didn’t complain, even when he began his long speech about the prospects she had once she left Hogwarts in a few months and how he could help her get there.
She had nodded and hummed but said nothing else, and then she had left, hiding from her friends and spending her time finishing her homework before going to bed later than everyone else.
Today though she had decided to step outside and enjoy the spring sun that was shining, even as she sat under a large tree, letting it’s shade fall over her. Her nails tapped the book that laid unopened on her lap, her eyes unfocused as she let her mind drift off.
“Hey.” A familiar voice spoke as they sat beside her with a sigh, long legs stretching out off worn jeans. “Sirius finally just told me what happened in potions, don’t know why anyone was keeping it a secret.” Despite the slight laugh his voice was gentle. “He seemed worried about you, in fact they all did.”
Hermione didn’t need to ask who they were because it was obvious. Remus would be too if he had been in the potions classroom, but he wasn’t. Honestly she was surprised that Edith hadn’t said anything, because Hermione was sure the girl had been in the class.
Though in a way she was glad, at least some people knew how to keep their mouth shut and avoid sticking their nose in business that wasn’t theirs. Though it didn’t work out, and the last thing she needed right now was another lecture.
Remus, though, was the king of lectures and didn’t seem to understand her silence. “You might not want to talk about it, Snape, Sirius or everything else, but you can’t go on like this Hermione – because it’s not doing you any good.”
Hermione rolled her eyes, laying her head back against the trunk and keeping her eyes focused forward. She could see Remus with his dusty hair and pink tinged cheeks looking at her from the corner of her eye, waiting for her to say something but she wouldn’t.
“I know it’s hard, but you should ignore Snape – all he wants is a response and you giving him that will just make him come back for more.” Spoken like a person who had experience in the matter. “And you and Sirius...you were friends for a long time before everything, and that’s more important than losing each other over this.”
Her fists clenched around the book, her knuckles turning whiter as her anger bubbled inside her, and her voice came out sharp. “Remus, I don’t want to talk about this.”
“Well someone has to talk about this with you.” Remus all but snapped as Hermione finally turned her head to look at him. “You kept a secret from him and expected everything to work out...and while I might not be a master at relationships, maybe telling him would help.” And there it was.
It wasn’t the first time he had mentioned it, and it wouldn’t be the last but Hermione had had enough. Did they all forget that she was the one with the secret? Did they forget that she had all but been tongue tied into not saying anything?
“It isn’t as easy as that and you know it, but then again how could I forget that you’ll always be on Sirius’ side.” Hermione snapped, throwing her book onto the grass before them and glaring at Remus.
“Hermione -”
“I don’t care about Snape.” Hermione all but shouted, her frustration pouring from her before she could stop it. “Do you think it was easy to end things with Sirius? Do you think I wanted to be in this position or keep lying to him even though I know what will happen if I tell him? But he flirts with people in front of me, like I needed to be punished even more than I already am.” She breathed out, blinking away tears as her voice dropped. “It’s exhausting, I’m exhausted and no one seems to understand.”
“You don’t get to play the victim card, Hermione...do you think this is easy for me or any of us?” He snapped back, eyes flickering with gold as Hermione frowned at him. “We keep a secret from my best friend, I watch my other best friend fall apart and get stuck in the middle of it all.” His voice was intense, and his teeth were all but bared to her.
“I didn’t ask you to get involved, you involved yourself.” Hermione snapped before she sighed, there was no use fighting with him. “No one seems to understand, and if that makes me a victim then so be it.” She added with a quick frown in his direction.
Remus’ face hardened, a deep frown taking place on his tired face. “I understand secrets more than you know Hermione – I did it for years.” He spoke as Hermione looked away. “Sirius is one of my best friends, keeping this from him hasn’t been easy but I have done it for you, but seeing him in pain and not being able to do anything isn’t making matters any better.” He whispered as Hermione finally turned to look at him again.
She understood, Merlin she understood more than he realised – but it wasn’t as easy as that. She had already lost him, telling him would only make things worse for all of them. Not simply because she couldn’t, but because Dumbledore was already watching them and Dumbledore wasn’t one who was going to let this all slip through the cracks.
Neither was Hermione.
“So what? You’re going to tell him?” Hermione asked though it wasn’t a question as Remus opened his mouth to say something but she cut him off. “I mean you could and I wouldn’t stop you but at least I would know where your loyalties lie, and when it blows up in our faces then we can finally see why I never said anything.”
Remus frowned, his mouth twisting as he shifted beside her. “Hermione -”
“I never wanted any of you involved in this… I never wanted anyone to know but time and time again my hand has been forced and look at where it has gotten us.” Hermione snapped as she stood up, glaring down at him. “Tell him, Remus – go tell him everything but when this gets out, or when Dumbledore silences us all, then just remember that I warned you what would happen.” Her voice was cold, and her hands clenched at her sides as Remus glared at her.
“Or maybe nothing would happen, maybe Sirius would keep his mouth shut and you would finally be able to fix this mess that you made.” He snapped at her and Hermione stepped back.
They had never really fought before, small arguments and the past summer he had all but avoided her until he learnt the truth, but they had never been the sort to go at each others throats. Yet, it seemed times were changing and they weren’t only picking sides of a war but with each other.
Hermione looked away, blinking back the tears. She should have remained alone in this, kept her mouth shut and handled this herself, but here she was instead, the bitch who broke his best friends heart and refused to say anything. A monster and a liar who couldn’t seem to do anything right.
Sniffling slightly, she looked back at her friend, preparing for one last final blow. “Or maybe Voldemort will hear and they’ll be no stopping him from getting what he wants.”
“That’s not -”
“The future is a delicate thing, Remus, I know this and you know this – do you think if Voldemort finds out that someone he wants knows how to kill him, that he’s going to do nothing?” She could see the hurt in his eyes, and it made her feel sick to have to twist this fight into something else, but the fear was there. “I won’t stop you from telling him if that’s what you want to do...but at least you’ll know the consequences when you do.” And with that she turned.
Better to leave now than to continue this argument, to let him see the hurt and fear on her face.
“You never used to be this selfish.” He shouted after her, she stopped, turning back to look at him as coolly as she could while he stepped forward. “I loved you once, I think you knew that -” Hermione blinked away tears as he stopped before her. “And this girl...the one I see before me now, is nothing more than a scared shell of the girl I loved, and frankly I’m a bit disappointed.” He whispered, as he looked down.
Hermione chuckled bitterly. “Sorry I didn’t live up to your expectations.”
“Once upon a time you wouldn’t have cared about what Dumbledore would have done or what Voldemort might do, but you would have done what’s right.” Remus whispered, though he didn’t seem angry anymore as he looked down at her with what could only be pity.
“You seem to forget that this is a war, Remus, and whether it may seem selfish to you or not, I will do what I have to do to protect those I love, even if it is from themselves.” Hermione hissed as he frowned down at her, blinking and trying to make sense of it. “I’ve seen the future, I’ve lived it, and while I might not remember everything, I do know how this ends – for all of us...even myself, so believe when I say that I will do whatever it takes to avoid that.” She added, an extra hint for him as his mouth fell open.
Hermione was done, she didn’t wait for him to argue with her, instead turning and marching back to the castle, he was free to say whatever else he wanted to say but she was done and the option was now in his hands.
She had told Lily not that many months ago that she wanted to be the one to tell Sirius, obviously that was a bump in the road now, and she would leave it up to them. She was tired and she no longer cared to keep fighting them when they truly didn’t understand what she was talking about.
Whether Voldemort or Dumbledore waited for her down the road, it didn’t matter, she would do what she could until then to finish this war and keep her friends safe.