First Look
Wednesday the 8th of February 1978
James pursed his lips as he looked at the Ravenclaw table, watching as a particular blond haired and blue eyed drank from her cup and looked down at her book. There were people around her, though she barely paid them any mind, nodding her head every so often before going back to her book as though it was the most interesting thing in the world.
Honestly, to James, it looked a little boring. Small and plain, with no obvious title on the front, yet her eyes scanned it rapidly and her fingers turned the pages with an eagerness he had never seen from her before, unless it involved Quidditch...and maybe Remus before all the drama kicked off.
“Don’t you think it’s a bit weird that she hasn’t said anything?” Sirius whispered beside him, hand clasped on the table as he too watched Edith, before he looked to James. “Why hasn’t she said anything? It’s been weeks since she found out.”
“Maybe she’s just waiting it out.” James replied with a small smirk as Sirius narrowed his eyes at him, before James held up two hands and shrugged his shoulders. “Or maybe she’s not the vindictive type.” He added as Sirius rolled his eyes.
“I bet she’s just plotting our downfall.”
“Not sure why she would be plotting mine, Remus lied to her and ended their friendship – and you, well you slept with her,,,” Sirius narrowed his eyes but kept his mouth shut as he waited for James to continue. “Mate, I think that’s enough reason for anyone to plot your downfall.” James added with a smug look as Sirius narrowed his eyes.
“Your sister isn’t.” Sirius bit back, eyes glinting slightly before he winced as James raised his eyebrows and let out a hiss of air.
“Keep behaving like this and she will.” He mumbled under his breath, trying to keep his own wincing to himself and his eyes away from Sirius as he focused back on the girl.
He understood the anger and hurt that came with not knowing, but he understood Hermione too – and it wasn’t like she could physically say anything any more but Sirius’ running around and pointing fingers wasn’t doing anything but drawing attention to them, no matter how much they told him to stop and leave it alone for the moment.
Sirius just couldn’t seem to do it, and it was driving a wedge between the two and knowing looks from Dumbledore, who at the moment scared James a bit. Hermione had had her theory of what Dumbledore would do and James wouldn’t put it past him. Which meant they all needed to stay quiet.
“I’m not – this is not the time for that conversation.” Sirius muttered, his cheeks turning pinker than usual as he looked away and back to Edith. “So, what is her plan? Why hasn’t she outed us?”
“Maybe because she still cares about Remus, and she told Hermione she wasn’t going to say anything.” James answered as he took a sip from his own drink and narrowed his eyes at Edith.
“She did?” Sirius whined from beside him. “Why didn’t Hermione tell me that?”
“She did, she told us both at the same time – glad to know you were paying attention.” James muttered under his breath, shaking his head at his best friend as Sirius winced and pouted at his plate of food like a two year old.
“Prongs -”
“Pads, I’m not getting in the middle of it – you both need to grow up and speak to each other and leave the rest of us out of it.” His voice was stern, his focus kept on Edith as she tucked her book into her bag and tapped her hands on the table with a small amused smile.
“You don’t understand.” Sirius whined beside him, forcing James to look at him. A grown man, with stubble on his chin and sharper features than a knife, pouting at him because of a situation James wasn’t allowed to tell him about.
“I understand that Hermione is under lock and key at the moment, that whatever she wanted to tell you, she can’t – so instead of punishing her for that or running your mouth, just talk to her and try and work it out with her.” James snapped as Sirius glared and looked away, muttering a small fine under his breath.
James got it, he did, but Hermione was his sister and his family. He had loyalties and he had promised he would stick with her forever, and that’s what he was going to do. And he knew Hermione would do the same, even if it killed her.
Sirius sighed dramatically, resting his head on his hands and frowning at the table. “What if Edith is just embarrassed – I mean, she did follow us and put herself at risk...or maybe she’s scared of what we'd do if she opened her mouth.”
“Somehow I don’t think that’s the case.” James chocked out as Sirius’ head popped up just in time to see Edith get to the otherside of the table, resting on it and narrowing her eyes at them.
“Why are you watching me, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum?” Her voice was sharp as she looked between them, stormy eyes seeming darker than before and the raise of her eyebrows making James smile nervously as she waited.
Sirius gasped, a hand dramatically resting on his chest and his voice pouring out mock outrage. “Now that’s not nice, we are much more sophisticated than Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum.”
Edith looked at them both as if it was doubtful, despite the obvious differences between them, James wondered if she saw them as the same person, annoying and...annoying. Still he couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face as Edith rolled her eyes at him, almost like she knew what was coming.
“Honestly, I think I’m more like the Mad Hatter.” He spoke as Sirius let out a splutter and turned to face him.
“You’re like the Mad Hatter? No, no, no – if anyone is like the Mad Hatter here then it is me!” He all but cried dramatically. Edith let out a sigh and bowed her head as James frowned.
“Pads, you spend your days longing around and smoking – if you’re anything then it’s that Caterpillar with the bong.” James spoke, rolling his eyes as Sirius blushed. He didn’t use a bong that much, no more than James did, but he was the one who bought the stuff and spent more time smoking.
“I think that’s a hookah.” Edith mumbled, rubbing her forehead with her hand and finally sitting on the free seat, ignoring the looks the Gryffindor table sent her.
“Isn’t that what the Americans call a prostitute?” Sirius asked after a second, as James nodded his head in agreement. The Caterpillar was definitely not smoking a woman in the cartoon Lily made him watch, though that would have been funny and weird.
Edith sighed as though her life was hard, resting her hands on the table. “Hu-kah, you idiot, it’s used to smoke tobacco – beside this is not the point -”
“I thought he was smoking something else because Alice was seeing some crazy things.” Sirius spoke, cutting off the blond who tilted her head back and let out a long breath. James winced, feeling guilty, they were only meant to distract, not annoy.
“That’s true.” He nodded his head at Sirius, before an amazing idea popped into his head. “You know what we should do – can’t believe we never thought of this, next birthday party should be Wonderland themed.”
“That’s a good idea, I’m not dressing up as a caterpillar though.” Sirius frowned, as James nodded his head, his mouth opening to say something else but Sirius beat him to it. “Or Cheshire cat.”
“Fine, we can use Crookshanks or Parsley for that.” The cats would hate it, but they would be fine and perfect with how much they kept disappearing these days. “Though then who gets to be the Mad Hatter?” He asked after a second, the boys staring at each other.
“Moony, then we can be the those two rabbits or whatever.” Sirius answered diplomatically as James nodded his head. It would make sense and Moony would probably be happy.
“Then who would be Alice?”
“No, we’ll let the girls sort out that one – the others can pick other characters.” Sirius waved his hand through the air, dealing with the girls would be too much. “Though with her red hair, Lily should be the Queen.” A grin took over his face as James raised his brows and nodded approvingly.
“She is fierce and a bit scary at times – hey, Edith if you wanted you could -”
“Actually, I’ll be more like the Queen if you don’t move on from this topic and tell me why you were watching me.” Edith cut off James, glaring at them both. “Did Remus send you to make sure I said nothing?”
The way she annunciated the word nothing was as though she rarely used it, her mouth twisting awkwardly around the word as James frowned, before remembering those Northerns had their own version of the word. What strange people they were, with their old words and expressions, and their culture.
Fascinating people that glared at him when he didn’t say anything. James shook his head and tried to smile at the girl. “No, he hasn’t asked us to do anything, in fact he hasn’t really spoke about you.” An elbow connected sharply in his side as Edith stern expression saddened for just a second before it was back.
Sirius sighed before speaking. “We wanted to check, it was our choice and we needed to protect Remus from whatever you might say.”
“Well rest assured, I haven’t said anything, nor was I going to as I made clear weeks ago, as I am fully capable of understanding how difficult the situation could be for him if people found out.” Edith all but spat out, rolling her eyes and leaning her head onto her hand.
“Thank you.” James mumbled out as Edith gave him a small rare smile.
“Though perhaps instead of watching me, the pair of you should be focusing on your own problems.” Edith sighed out, a smirk on her face as her eyes focused mainly on Sirius instead of James.
“What problems?” Sirius asked, narrowing his eyes.
“The time you spend running around looking like you are half a second away from accusing people of something, instead of actually speaking to your girlfriend about what’s bothering you.” Shit. Insightful little Edith Gilbert had managed to hit the nail on the head without even speaking to them.
James closed his eyes and sighed. If she could do it, granted she was smarter and more observant it seemed than most people, then who else was looking around and figuring things out. Sirius was being to obvious, and it wouldn’t be long before they had Dumbledore on there back or another Deatheater trying to take matters into their own hands, or even whispering to Voldemort that something was up.
Sirius sneered, it made him look ugly and too much like his family that James cringed away but Edith remained, uncaring and nonchalant, even as Sirius spat words at her. “I don’t think I need advice from you.”
“And I think you do since you clearly don’t listen to anyone else.” She whispered back. “You know most people don’t like it when people are sticking their noses into situations that don’t involve them. So maybe instead of watching me and avoiding whatever it is you are dealing with, you should just, I don’t know...deal with it.” She shrugged her shoulders and looked at James briefly.
“Great advice, when are you going to use it on yourself?”
“When your friend stops being an arse and avoiding me.”
James looked between them both, the pair glaring. Sirius looked fed up, ready to storm off at a moments notice or to say something that would be on the borderline between cruel insult and joking insult, and Edith looked as though she couldn’t careless about what either of them had to say.
Her friends stood up from the Ravenclaw table, and none of them looked at the blonde, or even came to see if she was ok, and it made James feel guilty. Edith had wormed her way into their little group for a short time, and now she was alone.
“Erm...you can help me if you want.” The words slipped from his mouth before he could stop them as both Edith and Sirius turned to look at him with frowns. He stayed focused on those stormy eyes and offered a small smile. “You said we had problems to fix, I don’t know what mine are, but I’ve never been one to turn down a little help from a friend.”
Her eyes widened slightly as she looked around as though there was someone else he was talking to before her mouth curved up slightly, like he was telling a joke. “Actually, you haven’t done anything wrong, as far as I am aware.”
James grinned, punching a fist into the air. “Finally, someone recognises my perfection.”
“Well I wouldn’t say that.” Edith teased slightly, a small laugh leaving her mouth as James shrugged his shoulders. “I just meant your girlfriend hasn’t been in the library everyday tearing books from shelves and glaring at anyone who looks at her – in fact your girlfriend hasn’t stopped walking around with a smile for the past couple of weeks.” She was hinting at something but James wasn’t sure what as he shrugged his shoulders.
“What can I say? I throw an excellent birthday party.”
“So I heard.” Edith laughed before her face became serious. “Listen, you can tell Remus not to worry, I won’t say anything – and you can also tell him that when he is ready I will be here.” The words were so soft that James wasn’t even sure if he had heard them.
“Will do.” He muttered back as she offered one last smile and stood up from the chair. “And er...Edith, good luck against Slytherin.” He added with a softer smile as she smiled back, pulling her bag onto her shoulder.
“Thank you, though I’m not sure we’ll need it.” She spoke one last time, before turning and heading towards the door, James watched her go even as Sirius stabbed his food beside him.
His eyes widened as Edith stopped just as Remus came in, the pair of them looking at each other in a way that friends, or ex-friends didn’t, their cheeks turning pink and their mouths opening as though they wanted to say something.
James hoped they would, then Remus would be pulled out of his funk and things might go back to normal, but instead his best friend snapped his jaw shut, looked away from the girl and marched forward, completely unaware of the look that Edith watched him with.
…
Saturday the 11th of February 1978
Hermione
“Do you want to go or not?” Sirius asked, dressed for the trip and staring down at her with slightly guarded eyes. Ones she had put there. Merlin, she missed him more than she ever thought she would with him standing right before her.
“What a romantic way to ask me on a date – I’m just filled with so much oy and love.” Sarcasm filtered out of her before she could stop it, hand reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose as Sirius looked down at her.
“No, you’re filled with lies and betrayal.” He spat out before he winced as Hermione tried to hide the hurt under an understanding expression. “Sorry...I shouldn’t have -”
“But you did, and you’re within your right to feel angry over it – I just wonder if there will be a time that we can get past this.” The unspoken words were there, ones that seemed to terrify them both and kept them clinging onto each other even as problems seemed to push them away from one another.
“I don’t know.” Sirius muttered, a sadness in his eyes before he tried to offer her a kinder smile. “But I want to try – so do you think we can go on a date today?” He asked, but the lack of hope was different, even as she tried to smile back at him and nod her head.
“Yeah.”
Hogsmeade was beautiful in all it’s winter snow and bustling streets but it did nothing to warm her cold aching heart.
The tension was unbreakable as the couple walked together like they had done a million times, except there was no hand holding or knowing looks and smirks. It was quiet in a way that made a stomach turn and a brain run through a thousand different thoughts and feelings in hope to find something that could make this whole thing better.
Hermione knew what could make it better. Telling the truth, except that had been taken away from her, and Sirius didn’t seem to understand. Karma, she supposed, for not telling him sooner.
She watched him from the corner of her eye, handsome and looking straight forward, skin tinged slightly pink and silver eyes looking anywhere but her, and she missed him. Despite the fact that he stood right beside her, in touching distance, she missed the closeness that they once shared and she hated herself for being the one to ruin it.
“Sirius -” Her voice cut off as she caught sight of a pretty face stood outside on of the shops, his blue eyes on her as he beckoned her over.
She hadn’t thought she would see him for a while, and she certainly didn’t think he would want to speak to her unless it was something important. Her mouth opened and closed as she looked back at Sirius as he looked down at her expectantly.
“What?” His voice was slightly sharper than it usually would be, hands in his pockets and his eyes wider than usual as Hermione tried to force a smile on her face.
“I just need to...there’s something I need to get...could I meet you at The Three Broomsticks?” She asked, her voice shaking slightly as Sirius rolled his eyes and stepped away. Once, he might have reached for her, asked what was wrong but now he looked like he wanted to be elsewhere.
“Sure.” A sigh left her mouth as he turned and walked away, head bowed and eyes not looking where he was going.
Tears sprang to her eyes and her heart seemed to ache. This wasn’t fair, and it was mainly her fault, she had made choices that she couldn’t turn back on or make better. There was only one option, and it was one she didn’t want to think about right now.
Instead she took a deep breath and strode as casually as she could towards Benjy as he wrapped his cloak tighter around him and seemed to shiver until she stood before him.
“Is something wrong?” She asked without greeting, hoping to convey the message without actually having to say anything. Benjy sighed, looking around before he pulled her to the side of the shop, standing far too close that if anyone saw they might think something else was happening.
And while he was pretty, she doubted he had any interest in her, and he just wasn’t a tall man with silver eyes and a smirk that made her knees weak. Benjy wasn’t someone she had hurt yet, but after time he probably would be and she could add another person to her list.
He sucked in a breath and frowned. “You need to be on alert.”
“What – Benjy, don’t tell me -”
“Rumour is that the Deatheaters are planning an attack.” Benjy cut her off, and her body sagged with slight relief before she frowned and opened her mouth, a million questions on the tip of her tongue. “Dumbledore didn’t see the need to call off the trip today, but I’m betting that the majority of the castle out of the grounds is just the kind of attack that the Deatheaters have planned.”
“Well then we need to warn people, get them back to the castle.” Hermione muttered, looking back to the street where people were walking, laughing and unprepared about what might be coming their way. It wasn’t fair.
“What you need to do is keep an eye out and have your wand on you, and maybe find your boyfriend and friends and either get out or stick together.” Benjy demanded, gripping her wand from her robes and pushing it into her hand. Normally she would have protested at it, but it felt like her whole body was frozen.
A shaky breath left her mouth as she looked up at Benjy, slightly older and hardened by the things he had seen in the real world. “And what about the kids?”
“There are Aurors here, enough to keep most, if not all safe if an attack were to happen.” He tried to comfort her, reaching out to grip her arm before stepping away as though he was going to leave her here and go back to his duties. It was enough to make Hermione move again.
“No, we need to let them know now -”
“Hermione!” He all but shouted as he reached for her arm and pulled her back. “If you go running into the street screaming attack, you are only going to cause chaos – I just...I needed to tell you, so you can keep yourself safe.” It wasn’t a romantic gesture but it was one that made her eyes water nonetheless, kind and caring Benjy looking out for her.
“Thank you.” There was nothing else she could say in response to that.
“What are friends for?”
“Well I suppose to -” Hermione cut herself off. Bright blue eyes on an paler than usual face were staring at her, a certain fear there. And she knew if Benjy wasn’t here then he would have run over and told her what was about to happen, instead he gulped and stumbled away. “Benjy, get the kids.”
“What?” Benjy asked with a frown as he looked up to see nothing out the ordinary, Regulus was probably off to wherever he had been called. Shaking and not wanting to do it, but doing what he needed do to stay alive.
“Benjy, go get all of those too young to fight and get them back to the castle.” Hermione snapped as she began to move back to the street, Benjy hot on her heels and trying to rug her backwards.
“Hermione, I don’t think I should be taking orders from -”
“Just trust me, I don’t think we have long before -” She was cut off by a bang and sudden screams that had her words dying in her throat as Benjy looked towards the nose, eyes wide and wand already in his hand.
There were people running past them, Aurors hurrying kids towards the castle, their wands drawn and teachers running down to take over so the Aurors could run back down to the noise.
Hermione tried to help, shooing the kids and shouting for them to run, as Benjy tried to take off between the crowds. She hissed out a breath, leaving the children to the teachers who seemed to be doing a much better job at getting the younger ones away before following her friend.
“Benjy!”
“Hermione!” Benjy hissed as she ran by his side towards the quieter parts of the streets. “Get back to the castle!” He added as he darted forward towards where bangs and lights were coming from.
She ignored him, making him roll his eyes, but she didn’t care. She hadn’t seen her friends or Sirius and she could only hope that they were tucked into one of the buildings safely, like she should have been but she couldn’t stop her legs to check.
They stopped at the edge of what looked like a great battle, buildings around them half destroyed and Aurors, and maybe the Order, fighting people in dark cloaks. A mass of curls, not so different from her own, stood out with the owners crazy eyes as she swung her wand around like a sword, casting spells in every direction that sent people sending up hasty shields to protect themselves.
Dark hooded eyes met her own, a twisted smile on her lips as she stepped forward. “Cousin, how glad I am that you could join us!”
A scream echoed inside her head, but Hermione ignored it in favour of raising her wand at the woman.
…
Lily
A pant left her mouth as she ducked behind one of the buildings, fragments of bricks shattering around as whatever spell had been sent her way hit the wrong target. She could feel the scratches that no doubt would litter her body but it wasn’t enough to make her cry out in pain.
What had been a nice little date with James had turned into an attack that none of them were preparing for. James had told her to run, and she had no doubt he wanted to find his sister, but Lily wouldn’t run away from the people who wanted her dead. They would have to see the face they wanted to kill, and hopefully feel the guilt that came along with that.
Yet, panic filled her bones as she sent a spell around the corner and ducked back around before another spell could hit her. Where were her friends? Were they safe and waiting back at the castle or were they out in the field fighting for their lives?
Smoke filled the air as the building to the right of her caught fire and someone cackled in a way that sent shivers up her spine. Children poured out, not many but they were obvious and like sitting ducks, and Lily could only watch as spells were sent their way.
A hiss left her mouth as she threw up a shield and ran towards them just as a couple of Aurors and Remus got there, faces scratched up but a happy sigh left her mouth as Remus light green eyes looked at her with such worry and joy that she wanted nothing more than to wrap him in a hug.
The Aurors didn’t wait for them to follow as they ushered the children away, Lily and Remus keeping up shield charms as they tried to get out of the way of the assault that was taking place.
“We -” Blocking of a spell that had Remus panting slightly. “Need – to – get – out of here!” He hissed through clenched teeth as he gripped her hand and tried to pull her behind a less broken building only for the pair of them to stop.
Two Deatheaters stood at the end with wide grins, their wands drawn and pointing right at the pair of them.
Lily moved fast, sending a spell flying towards the men, but he let out a laugh, easily dodging Lily's spell before flicking on of his own that sent Lily spiralling into a wall and then onto the floor, her breath leaving her with a gasp as pain radiated in her back.
Remus let out a growl, sending spells out of his wand but his eyes kept flicking towards her, and the Deatheaters used it to their advantage, pushing him further back. She tried to send her own spells but it was hard to think through the pain and Remus was now on his knees and struggling with his breath, eyes watering either in pain or defeat.
She didn’t want to die like this. She didn’t want to die at all. A sob left her mouth as Remus looked at her with his own tears. At least she had a friend by her side.
A growl sounded to her right, followed by a deeper and slightly more menacing one. Soft footsteps on the snow that had her, Remus and the Deatheaters turning their heads. A flash of black and gold had the two men falling to their knees with cries.
A dog larger than most with shaggy black fur and grey eyes had leapt, his teeth digging into one of the men and bringing him down to the floor, but it wasn’t him that Lily was focused on, because she knew this dog and had seen it many times in the past year. Instead of growling though, he was normally rolling on his back with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.
It was the golden lioness that was glaring down at a man that had her almost shaking. The Deatheaters leg was laying at an awkward angle, and a pool of red was spreading below it and stained the lioness’ chin.
Lily knew she should have been afraid, but the golden beauty looked at her with sad icy eyes and she knew who it was in a second. Remus sent two stunning spells, and suddenly Sirius and Marlene were stood before her.
“Lil’…”
“How...when...I don’t -”
“Maybe not the time for that.” Sirius muttered, his wand in his hand as he glared down at the two Deatheaters with a frown. “We need to sort out this mess.”
“Let them bleed out.” Marlene hissed, but her bottom lip was quivering. Lily moved, trying not to wince at the pain as she looked at her best friend. She was a mess, and there were tears streaming down her face as she reached for Lily’s hand.
“Tempting, but maybe we should just tie them up and keep them stunned so they can’t get away.” Remus spoke softly, reaching out to rub Marlene’s arm before he pointed his wand at each man, a sent of ropes springing forth and wrapping around them.
Lily opened her mouth to say something else, though she wasn’t sure what. She was aware that the fight was probably still going on behind them, but she couldn’t find it in her to move, not until a loud and clear pained scream seemed to echo around them, followed by a voice shouting. “Enough!”
…
Hermione
Hermione’s heart was beating rapidly in her chest, so much so that she wouldn’t be surprised if Benjy was able to here it from where he stood beside her.
“And you brought your little Mudblood protector with you – how sweet.” Bellatrix taunted as she waved her wand around, the whole group of Aurors and Deatheaters seeming more focused on their pair of them than the actual fighting.
Bellatrix stood before her, a reminder of everything she never wanted to be, head tilting lazily and grinning wild on her face. Hermione stood straight and ready, she could take Bellatrix if she had to but she had to wait for her to make the first move.
Her whole body tensed as she saw a messy head of black hair from the corner of her eye, his glasses slipping down his nose, but she refused to look. It would give Bellatrix too much power to see James there.
Bellatrix didn’t notice though as she slithered forward. “Tell me, cousin, what is it that has the Dark Lord so interested in you?”
Despite the confidence, Hermione could see the insecurity seeping through the woman, and she couldn’t help but laugh slightly, even as both Bellatrix and Benjy looked at her with varying degrees of annoyance. “Sorry – sorry, are you being serious?” She asked before she could stop herself as Bellatrix sneered at her. “I don’t know, Bella, maybe he sees someone who can bring him power and glory...someone who is worthy of being by his side.”
Bellatrix hissed through dirty clenched teeth, stepping forward. Benjy tensed but Hermione remained where she was and smirked at the woman. Bellatrix smirked back, but it was cruel and unamused. “Or maybe he sees a little girl, one with money and the ability to warm his bed…”
“Don’t sound jealous, Bella, both ideas are equally disgusting and unappealing to me.” Hermione whispered back, but her body tensed again as Bellatrix laughed as though it was a joke between friends.
“The Dark Lord wants you, but I wonder how upset he would really be if I took you out of the equation.” She whispered the words nastily and Hermione wanted to tell her that it would probably make her life easier but she kept her mouth shut. “Your father would probably be upset...after all, he has so many plans for you.” She added with a sneer, like the idea disgusted her.
Hermione rolled her eyes. “Not interested.”
Bellatrix opened her mouth to say something else when movement caught her eye. Hermione turned in time as James came into the picture, wand steady in his hand and eyes narrowed behind his glasses. His face was smeared in what looked like ash and there was a cut on his cheek, behind him Hermione could see a fire coming from a building and her eyes widened.
Without thinking, she threw up a shield, separating herself from James and the Aurors that stood near him, and hopefully any children that were still around.
"A shield, how quaint, it won’t keep him safe though." Bellatrix laughed out, her eyes solely focused on James in a way that made Hermione want to yell at him to run.
“Touch him and you’ll only be signing your own death sentence.” Hermione hissed out as Bellatrix’s eyes were alight with amusement, Hermione stepped forward, ignoring Benjy as he reached for her. “Then again, it will be the same if you kill me, won’t it?” Hermione taunted. “Because Voldemort wants me...he wants me over you.”
“Hermione!” James’ voice screamed behind her as Bellatrix’s fury shifted into something else, her wand whipping out towards James.
The shield charm seemed to shake as James backed away slightly, his eyes wider as Bellatrix hurled another spell, only this time as the building beside him. It cracked and creaked before the rubble coming tumbling down, taking down a couple of Aurors. James tried to step away, his wand waving as Bellatrix continued to hurl spells.
Hermione didn’t need another excuse as she began her own assault, bringing the attention back to her and seeming to restart the fight.
Sweat dripped down from her forehead, as she dodged, ducked and blocked Bellatrix’s own spells. It was like a workout, and her muscles seemed to ache from it already. Benjy fought by her side, keeping Deatheaters off her back so she could focus on Bellatrix.
A huff left her mouth as a cry sounded from somewhere in the distance, her head aching from trying not to turn and make sure it wasn’t James, but it was the opening Bellatrix needed.
A scream tore through, pain running up and down her body as she fell to the floor. It was like being struck by a thousand knives, and the pain seemed too familiar as a sob left her mouth and Bellatrix cackled somewhere in the background as someone could her name.
“Enough!”
The pain stopped as Hermione tried to breath, tears leaking from her eyes as the fighting around them stopped and Benjy reached for Hermione, bringing her up from the floor and wrapping his arm around her waist.
It didn’t help as her body both shivered with aftershocks and froze into place.
He looked no different than he had when she saw his picture nearly two years ago. A sharper and more masculine version of her, and looking right at place next to Bellatrix who was sneering at him. Her hand clenched her wand and she pushed Benjy away despite the pain.
“Poor, Octy, did I hurt your precious daughter?”
“Octans.” She whispered as he looked at her in a distant and cold way, even as he smiled at her.
“You know he has plans for her, there is no good handing her over if she is damaged, Bella.” His voice was like a nightmare, and she could almost recall the day he had murdered her mother. No matter, how tired he looked from his time in Azkaban, he was the same man and she wanted him gone. “Hello, daughter.”
His eyes were on her, and she could hear people calling behind her. Sirius, Remus, Lily and Marlene all stood with James now, watching her with wide eyes.
She wondered if they saw the similarities of the three people facing off. If they looked at her and saw Bellatrix, though less mad, or a murdering Deatheaters daughter – or they wondered if she was going to take the hand offered to her and run away.
She wouldn’t of course, but Octans was looking at her with a large grin, still holding out a hand. “You should come, Hermione, come and be with your family like you should have been from the beginning.”
“I have my family, and it doesn’t include you.”
“Do your friends agree?” Octans asked lowly before he grinned and looked to her friends. “Cousins, we have space for you too, we can even promise no harm will come to the mongrel and the Mudblood.” Hermione ground her teeth. “You could even see your friend again – Peter, wasn’t it? Come boy!” Octans asked, and Hermione could almost feel the tension behind her.
Peter stumbled forward, thinner than he was when he was fifteen, but still rat looking and Hermione couldn’t help but sneer at him as he looked around, allowing Octans to manhandle him.
“He’s all yours, boys.” Octans called again as he threw Peter forward and ignored the whimper. Pathetic and cruel, but it did nothing to add sympathy to Hermione as she glared at her father.
“Enough Octans!” Hermione shouted as she walked forward, ignoring the pain in her joints. “It’s me you want, so lets end this here and now.”
“I don’t want to kill you, daughter.”
“Shame, I often dream of putting you six feet in the ground.” Hermione hissed out as she raised her wand while Bellatrix cackled as though it was amusing. “So what do you say, father?” She added as a taunt as Octans smiled at her.
“You want me to fight you.” Octans spoke, laughing slightly as he drew out his wand, though he didn’t point it at her, instead he twirled it around his fingers like a baton. “You know how this will end, Hermione.”
Her wand raised and a spell was on her lips before a pair of hands dragged her back by her shoulders, almost shaking her as he moved to stand in front of her, his back to the wrong crowd, but Benjy was there, ready to defend him.
“It’s not worth it, Hermione.” His silver eyes were swirling with too much emotion and not enough understanding as she tried to move past him only for him to push her back. “Hermione, please.” He was pleading now and she almost broke but Octans was grinning smugly over her shoulder, and the lackies were moving backwards and disappearing with pops as more Aurors turned up.
“Sirius -”
“You can’t be like them – you can’t let them get to you.” He whispered as he tried to pull her to his chest, Octans grinned as Hermione tried to wriggle her way free.
“See you soon.” Octans mouthed to her as Bellatrix cackled, the pair disapparating. The Aurors watched them go, no one trying to stop them though it seemed like it was more towards injury than anything else, or maybe it was the fear of taking on two talented people who could tear down more than one stood in their way.
“We need to get back to the castle.” Benjy muttered to them both as Hermione blinked back tears. “Hermione -”
“You let him go.” She whispered, her voice weak and horrified as she pushed herself away from Sirius who was watching her with pity and Benjy who looked back sternly. “I could have – I could have ended this...it could have been over.” She whimpered out, her whole body feeling as though it was burning.
“You would have gotten yourself killed.” She wasn’t quite sure who it came from, there was a buzzing in her ears and tears in her eyes as she spun around, away from them both. “Hermione, we need to get you checked out – the cruiatus curse -”
“I need – where’s James?” She cried, moving away from them both to where she had last seen her brother. Her feet stumbled over rocks, a soft hand gripped her own, seeming to lead her to someone before strong arms wrapped around her.
She didn’t need to see to know it was her brother as she buried her head in his smokey smelling jumper, the tears flowing from her eyes as he gripped her just as tightly, one hand on the back of her head and his own tears wetting the top of her head.
…
Marlene
He stood like a beacon leaning against the railing of the tower, skin paler than the moon and stars and hair blacker than night or than the cloak he had been forced to wear. Beautiful and haunted just like everyone else seemed to be.
Smoke still seemed to cling to the air, and the taste of blood wouldn’t leave her mouth, neither would the sound of cracking bone beneath her powerful jaws. A gift she should have been thankful to have, thankful to Regulus that he had helped her through it without anyone the wiser, but it has been used cruelly and the memories loitered in her brain.
He deserved it.
He did, her friends had been at risk, and she would choose them over a deatheater every time. Yet, Sirius’ deatheaters hadn’t been as mangled as her own, harmed and in pain, but blood didn’t lay beneath him.
“Regulus.” She whispered, watching as he turned to face her. No smile on his face, nothing but the pain in his eyes as he opened his arms for her to step into. She hesitated, watching him carefully and feeling a new wave of tears as he looked back at her, hurt evident in his eyes.
“Mar...it’s not – I didn’t -”
“I almost didn’t make it, you know.” She began as her voice strained, a fight to stay strong in the face of the man she loved. “They were going to kill Lily and Remus, they would have if we were a few seconds later.” Her voice wobbled as she remembered the look on her friends faces, defeated and afraid.
“I told you as soon as I heard.” Regulus whispered, seeming more hurt and she wanted to believe him but it was hard, and her whole body had felt shaky since the day before.
“Would you have told me if I hadn’t have seen you before you ran out of here?”
He looked appalled, even more so as he moved to stand before her, eyes brighter than she had ever seen them, like two glowing stars in the distance. “I would have tried – I would – if not you then I would have told someone.” He answered, wincing slightly as she sighed. “After you, I tried to find Hermione – I did but -”
“But what, Regulus?” Marlene muttered.
“She was speaking to that Fenwick boy in some alley, and I couldn’t risk it.” He sounded ashamed and Marlene felt it herself as she stepped back, a frown on her face.
There were so many questions but none of them were for Regulus, and none of them did she think Hermione would give her the answers to. “An attack was about to start where children were, kids who don’t know the basics about fighting and you didn’t think that was more important than keeping your cover?”
“Fenwick is an Auror, Marlene!” Regulus snapped, throwing his hands in the air and glaring at her. “One confession out me and I could end up locked up.” He snarled. “I can do a lot more under cover than I can if I’m locked in a cell in Azkaban!” He stormed away from her with a sigh as Marlene blinked away the water in her eyes and followed after him.
“A boy died, Regulus!” Marlene shouted back, voice wavering as tears finally fell. “A child dead because of the people you are associated with – and I’m here trying to...trying to understand...but someone died and all I can think about is that that could have been Lily or Remus or…”
“Marly…”
“You helped me save them because of what you taught me and because you told me but someone died, and I don’t know what to do with that.” Tears poured from her eyes as she sobbed as silently as she could while Regulus watched her with his own tears. “I don’t want to stand by and know that this is a part of your life.” She added as he flinched away from her.
He was in so much pain and it wasn’t hard to see as he bowed his head, tears splashing against the floor and leaving little puddles. “I’m not normally – he doesn’t – he doesn’t like me being there – but today...I don’t know...and all I could think was what am I doing?” He whispered. “I wanted out, but I can’t – I’m never going to be able to leave until he’s gone or I’m dead -”
“Reg, don’t say that.”
“I did this for Sirius, for myself and I’m going to regret it till the day I die, but I’m also going to use it to my advantage – and I won’t...I can’t let you or anyone else get themselves hurt for me.” He finally looked up as he gripped her tightly and the doubt melted away slightly. “I didn’t do enough yesterday, someone died because of me, people hurt – Hermione tortured...I’m sorry.”
Marlene blinked in shock as his knees buckled and he feel to the floor, her arms wrapping around him to ease the fall but it ended with them in a strange embrace and Regulus crying into her chest. He had always been strong around her, but she could see him breaking now and it hurt her more than she ever thought it would.
Despite doubt or reason, she knew that there wasn’t a bone in her body that wanted to leave him, she loved him and she would stick with him through it all and when the war was over they would be together in public and unafraid.
“I’m so sorry.” He muttered again and again into her chest, as his arms tightened around him and she sobbed with him, stroking his hair and trying to calm him.
“I know.” She mumbled back to him.
The air grew cold around them and Marlene didn’t once think about leaving or moving from her position as he muttered inaudible things to her. She loved him, and that was all she needed right now, even if it was scary and made her question everything. She loved him.
...
Monday the 13th of February 1978
Sirius
Sirius could remember the first time he really saw Hermione. The first time things just seemed to zip inside of him and make his heart beat faster.
Not long after she had moved in and been adopted by Fleamont and Euphemia, when she had shook off all the Black, Dorea had forced upon her, she had been a young girl in a cute outfit who had the wickedest laugh and the brightest smile.
She would bicker with James and sometimes talk back to her parents, and then sometimes she would seem to drift away into memories that gave her a sad smile and teary eyes, and he had wanted to know why. Wanted to wrap her in his skinny arms and make her feel better, but he never did.
It hadn’t taken him long to fall in love with her, but it had taken him far too long to admit it, and many mistakes along the way – and in that time Hermione had gone from a grinning young girl to a haunted young woman who kept everything close to her chest and only seemed to trust when it wasn’t a risk, unless it came to her family.
Sirius had tried to understand it. James was her brother, her soulmate in some way, like a twin that had been born biologically to another set of parents and a few months later, every inch of trust was given to James and no one else would ever get the same look in. Sirius had tried to understand, but months upon months of going out and labelling but the same trust he never got.
It hurt.
It still fucking hurt, and he felt like someone had given him answers he didn’t understand, like the puzzle pieces weren’t mashing together, and the shortcuts just didn’t seem to work.
And he knew there was more at stake, the imperio curse, then whatever Dumbledore had done and then the fact that he was running around accusing people but she should have found a way or told him sooner, and he was tired of feeling left in the dark.
He sighed as he stood outside her part of the hospital wing, curtains draw and no doubt a spell hanging around them, but he didn’t care for it as he pushed his way past it.
She sat on her bed, as beautiful as ever, dressed in an old jumper he swore was his and some pyjama bottoms, her hair plaited away from her face, messy with curls popping out from every which way, and those beautiful brown eyes empty. She looked like a ghost, and his heart ached at the sight.
“How are you feeling?” He asked as he crossed his arms over his chest and watched her.
She didn’t seem surprised to see him here, he had come the day before as she slept, her hand clasped with James’ as he refused to leave her side. It had taken threats from teachers and Lily for him to leave today which was why Sirius had been able to come.
A shiver seemed to wrack through her body, teeth snapping together audibly as Sirius closed his eyes. He was familiar with Bellatrix’s work and the aftershocks that seemed to stay for days on end. “Great.” She gritted out, fingers clasped in the bedsheets.
She didn’t want to be here, it was obvious but she had been put on watch by Pomfrey and her parents for the next few days, and for that Sirius was grateful. She needed care and help that he couldn’t give her.
“Mi’ -”
“We need to talk.”
“Yeah, I think we do.” Sirius agreed, and once again she didn’t seem surprised as she gestured stiffly to the chair beside her bed.
“It didn’t use to be this hard.” Hermione whispered as she looked down at the simple white bed spread, her hands still gripping it though it wasn’t like an aftershock but for something to hold onto, but it ached him all the same.
“You didn’t use to keep secrets.” It was colder than he intended but Hermione took it with a sigh, turning slightly even as she winced in pain to look at him.
“I wish I could tell you sometimes but then...then other times I don’t want to.”
“Why?”
“Because if I tell you then it will change everything and I’m not sure if I could handle that...and I’m not sure if I could trust you with that.” It was like a slap to the face but relieving to finally hear some form of truth from her lips for the first time in a long time, even if she didn’t want to hurt him.
He sighed and looked away. “Hermione -”
“Just let me speak a minute.” She whispered, taking in a deep breath as he looked back at her and waited. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, or I want to be cruel and Merlin knows I have been cruel, but more like I can’t trust you with this.” Again it hurt, and he knew he had done plenty wrong but he didn’t think this was fair.
His girlfriend watched him for a second but he kept his mouth shut. She needed this, that much he could see, she needed to get whatever was bugging her out.
“My life, everything about it from the moment I was born until I was seven, was pure chaos – I was an object...a thing for my father or grandparents to use and gain more.” The words tore through her like a growl, her head shaking. “When the Potter’s took me in, I was just a girl, and I was happy.” A small smile took over and he wanted to smile too.
“I don’t want excuses, Hermione.” He said instead as he looked down at his lap.
“It’s not.” She said honestly. “For once in my life I had other people I could depend on, but that doesn’t mean I ever found it easy.” He looked back at her, and he could understand but he hated it, hated how it tore him apart even if he understood.
“And you can’t depend on me.” Not a question. There was no question about it, like ripping off a plaster or forcing her to deal with whatever she was thinking.
“In some things yes, and others no.” Hermione sighed out, and he knew she was thinking about letting Octans go because of him. “You have your own problems, and your own way of dealing, and for a while it meant pushing me away, ignoring everything, drinking and smoking, and hurting people around you.”
“And how does that apply to this?” Sirius hissed out as he stood up from the chair and waved an arm around before gesturing to her. “Why do you still have to get hung up over that?” He winced as she gave him a cold look, like he was proving her point about something.
“Because problems effect other problems, and what I keep to myself is dangerous and I have to keep myself and others safe.”
“For Merlin’s sake, Hermione, can’t you just -”
“No, I can’t, because even if I wanted to, this isn’t about you.” She snapped, looking like she wanted to stand up from the bed but didn’t have the strength. “And even I could tell you, would it fix all of this? Would you be able to forgive me if I told you everything?” She asked after a second, her voice more gentle.
He wanted to say yes, even as she looked at him as though she knew the answer, some form of emotion bleeding into those eyes. He didn’t want to lie, but the truth hurt to think about when you were faced with it in such a blunt form.
And that’s what Hermione was, a blunt version of a girl he loved, harmed and harrowed by the world around her. Beaten into something colder and stronger, into someone who would put herself first even if it meant guilt and hurt, and he could respect that, but it hurt more than he wanted to admit, even if they were being honest for the first time in a long time.
His eyes searched hers, as she waited out his silence, a couple of tears falling onto those pretty pink cheeks before he shook his head. “No...I don’t think I could.”
They say the truth sets you free, but it hurt like falling from a broom 20 feet in the air with no spell to slow you down. He was falling into the abyss and his whole body hurt.
It was like a silent choice settled between them as they looked at each other with teary eyes, his hand reaching for hers. He wanted to change his mind, to tell her that they could work through this and they would figure it out but he had been trying and begging for the past year and nothing had changed.
He wanted to apologise for everything he had done to make her feel as though she couldn’t be honest with him, or she couldn’t depend or trust him, but he knew after a while he would only regret that when she remained mute, either from her choice or a forced one.
Yet, he didn’t want to let her go.
Hermione’s silent tears ran down her face as she squeezed his hand. “I’ve hurt you so much, and I am so sorry because you never deserved that, but I can’t keep watching you hurt.”
“Ending this isn’t going to stop me from trying to figure out what’s going on with you...or from caring.” He whispered, his voice heavy with emotion as his free hand reached up to wipe away his tears before they could drip from his chin.
“I know.” Hermione muttered, giving his a sad smile. “But it might give us time to think about what we really want – how we should treat people.” She whispered the last part more to herself than him but he heard it loud and clear. “The truth is Sirius, I’m not ready to tell you yet and that’s not fair to you, you deserve to be happy, and right now – you’re not happy.”
“Neither are you.” He whispered back to her as she smiled sadly yet again.
“I will be once I do what I need to do.” His mouth twisted as he was prepared to ask her what she was going to do, what she had planned when her mouth opened and closed, shining with bright tears. “I’m sorry.”
“Maybe one day that will fix it.” He whispered back in his anger, even as he winced. She didn’t seem angry at him for it, but instead understanding. “And maybe one day we’ll be able to go back to being friends – it was kind of easier when we were.” He admitted softly as he squeezed her hand before letting go.
He turned to leave, surprised when she gripped his hand and pulled him back, her arms wrapping around his waist. “It doesn’t fix anything, and I promise one day I’ll tell you, but never doubt that I love you Sirius and I am really sorry.” He hugged her back, holding her tightly and pressing a kiss to her head as she cried into his chest like she did her brother.
He pulled away, untangling himself and forcing a smile on his face. “I love you too, Hermione, and I’m sorry too.” She choked back a sob and nodded her head, forcing a smile on her face. “I guess I’ll see you around then, friend.”
The word hurt more than he thought it would but he didn’t stick around to watch her crumble as he left the ward, keeping his head down as he stormed out of the way, passing by Lily who opened her mouth to say something. Emerald eyes wide as she reached for him only for him to move out of the way.
She wouldn’t follow him, because Hermione would come first, and he could only listen as her rapid footsteps ran away from him, but he did find a quiet alcove to sit on the floor and let his tears fall as he did.
It would do them good but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
…
Wednesday the 15th of February 1978
Remus
The air was fresh as Remus stepped outside, but it was a good reprieve from the drama that seemed to have taken a hold of the Gryffindor seventh years. Break ups, break downs and trauma that didn’t seem to just come from what they had faced a few days ago – and honestly Remus was struggling himself.
Lily and James seemed normal...ish. Lily clung onto her boyfriend to the point where they were almost merged, and Remus couldn’t blame her – almost facing death was terrifying and it lingered in every single way, but that didn’t mean he needed to hear Lily and James comforting each other in ways that made him want to smoother himself with a pillow at night.
Marlene walked around with a slightly haunted look, eyes watching Regulus whenever he was in the room, and he watched her like she was going to turn into some giant lioness at point, or try and join them at the next full moon, which he wouldn’t decline but he wasn’t quite sure if the wolf would be happy to have a large feline running around with them.
Then there were Sirius and Hermione, who were barely in the same room together. Sirius seemed fine but he had taken to listening to Harry Nilsson, without you, in the dorm alone – or when he thought he was alone. It was depressing but James wouldn’t let him say anything, and honestly Remus was debating just telling Sirius everything so they could end it.
And Hermione...well she looked broken and distant, any plans they had for the ‘future’ and Voldemort burnt down into barely there answers and a concentration of her work, and nightmares that she refused to talk about, and glares from Lily and James if Remus tried to say anything.
He just needed a break. Which was why he was outside.
Of course, with winter still at large, he hadn’t expected to find Edith sat under a frosty tree with a book in her lap and her jeans slightly wet from the melted snow beneath her, though she didn’t seem to notice.
For a second, he thought about turning around and walking away, but in looking at her peaceful face there was something else there. His guts twisted and for the first time in months he admitted that he missed her.
He missed her stormy eyes, the wild messy curls, the dimpled grin, the knowledge that she held. He missed her opinions and snarky comments. He missed his friend, but he missed her more than he had missed his friends last year when he went off after everything with Mandy, a girl who avoided eye contact from him these days – his fault.
Edith was different though. And he...he wanted her back.
Remus moved forward, standing before her and frowning as she kept her eyes on her book like he wasn’t even there. He coughed and she looked up, his cheeks turning pink as she raised an eyebrow at him. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
“I...what are you doing out here?” He asked with a small cough. Edith raised an eyebrow, lifting up her book and he grimaced. That one was obvious. “Guess you don’t want to talk but do you mind if I do?” He asked as she shrugged her shoulders but her book closed softly.
It was probably going to be the best he got.
“I’m sorry for being a git.” He began, shuffling his old shoe against the snow. “I’m not saying I agree with what you did, but I have this habit of pushing people away when I’m angry and scared...but really more scared for you, my friends...and myself.”
Edith said nothing but she stared as though she understood, her silence encouraging and unsettling but he wouldn’t let it stop him, he knelt down before her, looking over every faint freckle on her face and the pinkness of her cheeks and nose.
“I’ve spent so long hiding who I am, that when you found out I was terrified and worried about about you would do or say, I felt betrayed and hurt – and you were so reckless and you put yourself in danger, but that doesn’t excuse what I said and I’m sorry for that.” His voice felt mangled at the end, and his thighs began to ache but he didn’t move.
A sigh left her mouth, but when she spoke her voice was calm and steady. “I shouldn’t have followed you, and I get that I was out of line and I’m sorry for that.”
“You don’t need to -”
“I do.” She sternly cut him off, holding up a hand to stop him from speaking further. “I would have never said anything regardless, but it hurt that you didn’t think you could trust me.” She whispered, a frown on her face that he wanted to push away. “So how about we agree to just forgive each other.”
He wanted to soothe the pain that she felt, wanted to smooth the mad hair and pull her into his arms but it scared him as much as everything he had said. That wasn’t what he wanted to do with Lily, Marlene or even Hermione, any more.
His heart seemed to beat rapidly in his chest as she blinked those beautiful eyes at him and offered him a kinder smile. “I can agree to that.” He said quickly before he let out a sigh. “I just...I made a mistake and everything being a mess, and I should have never pushed you away because I care about you and that’s not what friends do.”
Her eyes widened slightly, pink lips opening to whisper. “Remus...”
It was like he hadn’t heard her as words kept tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them. “I missed you so much...you’ve been a great friend, and you’re so smart and beautiful and talented and stupidly brave.” He chuckled slightly as her mouth dropped open. “And I admire you so much, and I was so scared I ruined everything...because it wasn’t just like I lost a friend but like I lost something more and it hurt.”
“What did you just say?” Edith whispered as she leaned forward, staring at him with wide eyes. His cheeks felt like they were on fire as he realised what he had let slip, even if he hadn’t realised what it meant at the time, it was obvious for them both now.
He could walk away, pretend this never happened and Edith would probably be annoyed but she would get over it and laugh in a few years about how Remus all but confessed something he never wanted to admit to himself. Or he could be as brave as the house he was supposed to be in.
He hesitated for a few seconds longer before he stuttered out a response. “I...I...I don’t know what it is but I know it’s something and I want to try and...I feel something.”
“Really?” She looked so hopeful, mouth curving up just enough for her dimples to pop as he leaned even closer to him until their faces were closer than they had ever been, making Remus gulp and wonder how she would react if he was to lean closer. “Can’t lie, that’s all I’ve kind of wanted to hear for a while.”
It was like that was all he needed. Closing the distance slow enough for her to move away, he was more surprised when she leaned even closer and looked at him through heavy lashes. His breath stuttered, he was so close.
He wasn’t sure who took the first step but one minute their noses were touching and then the next their lips were pressed softly together.
It wasn’t like the kisses he had had with one night stands, rushed and more focused on passion, or the quick one with Hermione or the snog with Marlene. This was one that made him feel like he was twelve again, and he was sure his cheeks were bright pink by the time he pulled away to look at her as she grinned back at him.
“Sit with me?” She asked softly, patting the ground beside her as her eyes sparkled.
He didn’t need to be asked twice as he all but stumbled next to her, his hands clasped on his lap and his arm brushing hers as she opened her book and turned to give him another amused smile. He couldn’t help the laugh that left his mouth as she giggle with him.
It might not work, it probably wouldn’t, because there was so much that they still had to talk about but he was going to take Marlene’s words into account and try to live his life how he deserved to live it. With a pretty girl by his side who knew his secret and seemed happy to lay her head on his shoulder as she read her book as though this was how they had always sat.