Finally
Sunday the 15th of October 1977
“Voldy made more than one horcrux – scratch that, there’s a horcrux in the fucking school?” James’ words were hissed through clenched teeth, his hands gripping the parchment in his hand so tight that Lily was worried the essay he had been working on would be nothing more than crumped words and ink.
They had chosen to tell him in the night, while Remus, Sirius and Marlene were all passed out in bed, and Lily had managed to distract James enough with his homework and slightly flirty conversation until Hermione came back from her rounds. And sure, Lily could have told him, or Remus could have, but Hermione had wanted to be the one to tell her brother, because he deserved to hear it from his sister.
Lily silently wished though that she could have told him earlier, when she could have offered him some sort of comfort to help distract him from the panic that he surely felt, the same one she had felt for the past day.
It hadn’t hit her at first, not until she tried to close her eyes and her dreams had been plagued with images, grotesque and disturbing, in different version of the Horcrux ritual – each as gruesome as the last, and each turning her stomach in a way that she hadn’t thought was possible.
Magic, for Lily, had always been something that had been pure and light, or so she had wanted to pretend, and other people had told her it wasn’t the case. Over the years, magic had started to darken slightly, to seem less innocent and instead drift into Hermione’s view of grey and depending on the casters intent.
And Hermione had more knowledge on the matter, had seen and experienced more magic, so Lily had no choice but to believe her. Yet now, she had no choice but to face the fact that some people did horrible and twisted things, that they turned something that had started off pure into something that could only ever be called evil.
It had taken her too long to realise, to see the truth, and for a few seconds the night before, she had wished that she didn’t know anything about Horcruxes or how they were made.
“Merlin, I thought it would be like some cursed object or something…” James spoke as Lily sucked in a deep breath and tried to focus on the siblings and their little discussion.
“One; how would we have even managed to destroy it in that case, we aren’t curse-breakers, and two; how in Merlin’s name would that help us defeat Voldemort?” Hermione asked, slightly amused and eyebrows raised as James gave her a half-hearted glare.
Lily envied them and the fact that they could learn of something so disgusting and yet keep joking around like it was normal. Remus had done the same the day before, and she had tried but it felt wrong.
“I don’t know.” James pouted slightly, sending a quick frown to Lily before he spoke again. “So what do we do then? I imagine we can’t just run the thing through with a sword.”
“We could if that sword had basilisk venom imbued in it’s blade, though such things are hard to come by.” Hermione commented.
“But in your dream -”
“I’m guessing said basilisk in the chamber was killed by said sword, and goblin made jewellery only often takes on that which makes it stronger, thus…”
“The blade hasn’t been made stronger yet.” James finished, sagging back into his chair.
Lily watched, something strange twisting in her gut, it wasn’t like they had forgotten they were here but being around a Potter meant, more often than not, that they would take the lead on things and others would follow. Sirius and Remus seemed to do it willingly, and Marlene was more than happy to follow behind Hermione.
Like everyone seemed to forget that though they were intelligent, they didn’t know everything. “It needs to be something strong, basilisk venom is a potent substance that kills in under a minute and only has a single, and equally difficult to get a hold of, antidote; Phoenix tears.” Lily spoke, the pair of them looking at her and waiting.
Perhaps they had already gone down this road, it seemed likely that Hermione had and had already begun listing ingredients that might work or spells that were less dangerous – and perhaps James was wondering where he could get his hands on a Horcrux killing sword.
“We need something similar, that stops the Horcrux from allowing itself to repair or have someone ready with an antidote.” Lily spoke softly, before turning to glare at Hermione. “Then we could find a way to destroy them without having to go into the Chamber of Secrets or setting the school on fire.” Her best friends lips turned into a slight smile.
“What about – and hear me out – we just got a sword, I’m sure there is one in our vault, and if we managed to get some venom from Sluggy, and we could make our own Horcrux killing sword.” James spoke with a large grin, clapping his hands together in that infuriatingly handsome manner that made her go between rolling her eyes and blushing.
“Slughorn doesn’t have basilisk venom, neither does the Potions supply cupboard.” She settled for instead, all but mumbling to her hands.
“And why do you think we have a sword in our vault?”
“Massive pile of junk in there, seems like we could probably find one hidden somewhere.” James answered Hermione before he coughed, waiting for Lily to look up and smiling when she did. “And how do you know Slughorn doesn’t have any?”
“A certain privileged of being a favourite student and having Belby speak some praises, means freedom into supply closet and allowance of checking his ‘limited’ supplies for my own potion.” Lily answered as though it was obvious.
“You’ve decided to go down the potions route?” Hermione asked with a large grin as Lily shrugged.
“I’m not sure, but I thought that it couldn’t hurt if I made something for when the time to decide came.”
Lily had many options according to Professor McGonagall, ones more related to charms work or potions, and perhaps a few others. And Lily could see herself if those kinds of positions, working on Potions like Belby and maybe inventing something new, or being on some sort Charms clean up crew, like those who worked with Muggles, because Merlin knew she spent far too much time cleaning up after her friends.
And she had even thought about joining the Aurors, only for a few days until she remembered her reflexes and lack of wanting to completely throw herself in the way of Dark Wizards wasn’t something she was eager to do. There had even been a moment where she thought of joining the Unspeakables, but something told her getting an interview there and having a slightly biased people judge her wasn’t something she should set her heart on.
Of course there were more options, but there were limitations to being a Muggleborn, ones Hermione had tried to inform her about not a few months ago.
And ones her best friend was clearly thinking about now as she reached out a hand to place on Lily’s shoulder, a kind smile on her face as she spoke. “Completely understand, options help.”
“But like, only with certain things – like jobs – and not with, you know, friends or anything.” James spoke, hazel eyes burning her own.
…
Saturday the 22nd of October 1977
The wind was biting as she sat on the stands, alone because Hermione was somewhere else and everyone else was on the pitch before her. It was relaxing in a way, calm and filled with peace and quiet she hadn't known she had longed.
If only it would stay that way.
“Didn’t think I would find you here.” Lily blinked, looking up from where she had been staring at the pitch to see Edith Gilbert stood beside her seat, blond curls tied back from her face and stormy blue eyes resembling the sky above them.
“Edith – Hi...sorry I must have zoned out.” Lily spoke quickly, moving her books from beside her and gesturing for the girl to sit down beside her.
Edith did, without much concern as Lily shifted slightly. It wasn’t that they hadn’t spoke before, but more to do with the that that they hadn’t really spoken before outside of class or between mutual friends. And now they were sat together on a bench, awkward and slightly confusing as Lily tried to remember how she usually sat beside people.
Someone shouted from the pitch, drawing her eyes back to them. What looked like a friendly with Remus playing keeper was going on, James laughing as he flew around Sirius and then dived towards the ground in a move that would have worried Lily if she wasn’t confident in his abilities.
James Potter was a beautiful Quidditch player, all grace and effortless skill that made Quidditch look so easy and almost like a dance. Even when they hadn’t been friends, Hermione had often felt her eyes drawn to him, to watch with gasps as he pulled off stunts and goals like it was nothing.
And now she had a ticket to stare at him for as long as she liked.
“He is quite impressive, isn’t he?”
Lily blinked, blushing slightly as she glanced at Edith, the knowing smirk on the blonds face. “Oh, yeah I suppose so, I must admit my knowledge of Quidditch is quite bad.”
“It’s a shame he isn’t going into Quidditch after school.” Edith spoke wistfully, leaning back onto her hands and stretching out her legs – loose jeans poking out from under her long robe, and a pair of trainers that looked almost new, a slight scuff on the side and probably expensive.
“It’s always been a hobby for him – I...erm...are you going into Quidditch?” Lily asked, wincing slightly as she played with the dogged edge of her book, looking down at her own scuffed and old shoes.
She had thought they would be prefect for her and James’ stroll around the lake for the evening, she had also thought her dress and tights combo would be the perfect outfit, but there was something about the casualness of Edith’s outfit, a mix of Muggle and Wizarding that almost made her jealous – even more so when Remus sent a wave over to them as he flew by.
“Oh God no, no...I’m heading towards the route of Curse-Breaker, seems like more fun.” Edith spoke as Lily tuned back in and looked to her face. “And you know, you don’t have to fill this conversation with small talk, I will just tell you why I am here.” She added, an amused smile on her face that showed her dimples.
“Oh thank Merlin...shit - sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude -”
“You know sometimes you and Hermione are so similar, but then you go and be all polite.” A scoff and a roll of eyes, but there was no hateful tone, it was almost like she was amused at the thought of her conversations with Hermione.
“Strange you consider me polite in the face of Hermione’s pureblood etiquette upbringing.” Lily mumbled as she went back to watching James, just in time for him to score a goal, a loud cheer echoing the grounds before he pointed a finger towards her and a quick wink to top it off.
“Pureblood standards mean shit when you are the top of the food chain.”
“And you would know because you are…?”
“Halfblood, but my mother spent enough time trying to be as Pureblood as she could that she drilled all her children with their lessons.” Edith muttered, and Lily had no choice but to look back at her with what must have been shock as Edith chuckled slightly.
Lily didn’t have the same complicated relationship that a lot of kids at Hogwarts seemed to have. She loved her parents, and they loved her, there was no hate or malice or even regret, nothing but perhaps a lack of understanding about their daughters world, and the hate that came from their other daughter.
Perhaps they weren’t as close as they once might have been, and Lily could say it was partially her fault, because it was easier to keep her parents blind and easier to keep her distance from Petunia. It was easier to try and slot herself in the world she now belonged to, and would work in and have a life in, than to try and conform herself to a world she once knew but sometimes struggled to remember.
Her mouth opened before she could stop it. “Oh that’s -”
“Sad? Pathetic? One of the reasons her children don’t speak to her?” Edith cut her off, a dark smile ticking at the edges of her mouth, and in an instant the slightly cold and sarcastic woman was replaced with someone a bit darker and more haunted.
“I was going to say nice.” Lily deadpanned, rolling her eyes. “Because, I can say as a Muggleborn, it would have been nice to come into this world with some sort of knowledge of what to expect and how to manage it.” Instead she had spent years feeling like she was playing catch up, and had only just recently settled in.
“Trust me, my upbringing did not prepare me for this world.” Edith spoke again, narrowing her eyes at Lily. “I’m guessing Remus and Hermione didn’t share any of my life with your little group.”
“No, we aren’t the type of friends who go around discussing our other friends lives.” Unless it was big gossip about someone they didn’t like but she wasn’t about to admit that to a girl who Hermione had spent the better part of the past two years glaring at.
“Hm, you know whenever something comes out about your little group of Gryffindors that everyone is talking about it.” Lily let out a laugh because she could believe it. It was almost like they had a spotlight on them and everyone could see every little move they made.
“I’m sensing a little annoyance – though I’m not sure if it’s to me and my friends or Gryffindor.” She spoke after a second.
“Neither...both.” Edith admitted, thought she didn’t seem too bothered by it. “Let’s just say that we don’t have the same loyalty that seems to exist only in Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and your little friend group.” She spoke as Lily cringed.
“Oh...erm...I’m sure you have friends.”
“Sure, though I doubt I’ll see them more than twice a year at some party or the occasional coffee catch up.” Again, she didn’t seem too bothered about the revelation, like it was nothing more than a truth she had already come to terms with. “Not like what you have.”
Lily pursed her lips as she slammed her book closed and narrowed her eyes at the girl, snarling out a response. “Is there a reason you came to speak to me other than to insult me and my friends?”
“Please don’t tell you are that sensitive.” Edith scoffed out as Lily glared once again, a response on the tip of her tongue. “And honestly you seemed like the nicer option out of your friends.” Her anger died slightly as Edith finally admitted something that had her cheeks turning slightly pink and her eyes darting back to the pitch and more specifically Remus.
“Right, so you wanted to talk about…”
“How is it that a group of people who have not only been crushing on each other, but also dated each other interchangeably, able to be so close?” Lily thought about correcting her, in saying the only other couple in their ‘group’ had been Marlene and James, but there was something so longing in Edith’s gaze, that she doubted it would actually help.
“Stick people in a tower for seven years with no escape and you’ll find that you have no choice but to be friends.” Lily admitted, because there was so much more to it than that but it almost felt too personal to be telling their story.
“Or more.” Those stormy eyes were focused on Remus, watching as he flew between the posts, a wide smile on his face and his hair swept out from his face. He looked so innocent and free that Lily couldn’t fault Edith’s almost soft look.
“For some of us, maybe, but it didn’t happen overnight – it didn’t even happen in a month.” Lily admitted, it had taken years for her and James to even get to the point they were at now. “It took time and work, and it made it worth it.” She added as she looked back to James as he turned his broom in the air, hanging upside down.
“And what happens when it falls apart?” Fear was a prominent emotion, and Lily was slightly shocked that Edith felt strongly enough to even worry about such a thing. Or maybe she just worried in general.
“We’ll deal with it – best thing about having a few good friends in your pocket is that they’ll be there to help.” Lily spoke as she watched as Sirius gripped James’ hands and let go of his broom, completely hanging in the air. “You know I can speak to Remus, if you wanted.”
“Hermione offered the same thing.” Of course Hermione would, despite whatever feelings she had towards Edith, she would do a lot for Remus. “The thing is, there is a lot in my life that he still doesn’t know, and I know there are things he still hasn’t told me – not that it matters.”
Didn’t they all? Secrets were like a shadow these days, that hung around and made itself obvious to everyone around, until they just seemed to become a part of a person. Everyone had one or maybe two, and no one was that eager to share.
“Remus is an immensely private person, who can be a bit skittish when it comes to matters a bit too close to home or heart – but he is also loyal, loving and kind – and he spent the summer writing to you, talking to you, about what I have no idea, but I do know that that means in some way or another you mean something to him.” Lily explained almost softly as she placed a gentle hand on the girls arm, pulling away slightly when Edith looked at her with wide shocked eyes.
“But you’re not going to say in what way?” She spoke as she rubbed the place where Lily had touched, almost hugging herself. And maybe it wouldn’t have been as noticeable if it wasn’t a reaction.
“I wouldn’t know, but I wouldn’t want to get your hopes up regardless, though I do hope whatever happens you could still stay his friend, because he is one of the best I’ve got.” One with a temper and a curse that tied itself to everything he did, but a good person nonetheless who deserved the best.
“I’m not the type to fall out with people because of a lack of feelings.” Lily breathed out a sigh of relief as Edith smiled slightly. “But if things work out, would that mean I had an invitation to the elusive Gryffindor gang?”
“I somehow doubt you would want that.”
“Not really.”
“Then why -”
“Let’s just say I’m a bit envious.” Edith spoke, another longing look on her face as she stared back out at the pitch and where the three boys and Marlene seemed to be trying to attempt stupid air acrobats. “You Gryffindors really are your house words personified – recklessly courageous even if it makes you stupid, but so loyal that you make Hufflepuff’s seem treacherous.”
“I think many of the students show their house traits.” Lily spoke as she blushed slightly, a hand on her chest as James caught Marlene before she slipped, her friends all laughing as though it was normal.
“To some extent, but it’s not the same.” Lily turned back to face her. “Ravenclaw’s in some way, are a lot like Slytherin’s, though with a bit less prejudice in their ambition, but a lot of them are still willing to step on toes and throw away people to be the best of the best in order to prove the booking loving intelligent Ravenclaw stereotype.” And what a stereotype to have, smart and full of wit that people expected the best of you.
Though she supposed she could understand the pressure of that. “I don’t -”
“I get it, my brothers were...are...Gryffindor, and I see them with friends like yours, and I see your friends, and I speak to Remus – and sometimes I think my world might be a little lonely.” What a sad revelation to admit to, to feel lonely at such a young age in a school full of people.
“It’s not too late to make new friends.” Her voice was possibly too soft as Edith looked at her like she was insane, a raised eyebrow and a glint in her eyes.
“I didn’t say I didn’t enjoy the loneliness...most of the time.” Edith spoke, rolling her eyes and sitting up straight before stretching out her muscles before her, a glint of a bracelet on her pinkish wrist.
“So if I understand this correctly, you are saying that you want a friend group like my own but you also don’t?” Lily asked, face scrunching up as she tried to decipher what it actually was that Edith was talking about.
“Confusing isn’t it, to be jealous of something you don’t actually want.” And just like she had read Lily’s mind, an answer was provided, along with a slightly amused smirk and a hand reaching up to scratch the top of her head.
“Actually I think I understand that a bit more than you think, and it turned out in the end that I did actually want it and now it’s been a few months of slow moving dates and a semi-agreement of ‘being together’ but no actual labels.” Lily admitted as she looked back at James, a small smile taking over her face as she watched him dive once more.
James Potter was making her smile in a way she didn’t think would ever be possible and making her crave things that she hadn’t even fully admitted into wanting. James had captured her attention in a way that she didn’t think was even possible.
And she craved it.
“See that part I can’t relate to – do all you Gryffindors move slow in the relationship department?” Edith asked with a grin as Lily rolled her eyes.
“For real things, I think so.” She answered before frowning and turning back to the girl. “No other house does that?”
“No, you should hear all the gossip and relationships in the Ravenclaw -Slytherin end.” It made sense to see those two houses together, for as Edith said they had a lot in common. Though she doubted it lasted longer than school, for it seemed Slytherins would always find their own, and by that she meant bigoted Purebloods with wealthy families.
“Maybe I have to branch out and make some friends in the other houses, you know, just to show them that Gryffindor loyalty and bravery.” Lily smiled as Edith laughed slightly. There was no point admitting that she had done that before and it ended in disaster, but perhaps the odd Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff as a friend wouldn’t hurt.
“Might be an idea, or maybe you should use that bravery to truly get what you want.” Edith spoke, nudging her shoulder slightly and nodding back to James who had now settled on the ground.
“You should follow your own advice.”
“I’m a Ravenclaw, I’d rather charm with my sarcastic wit and immense knowledge.”
“Seems to be working so far.” Lily joked but Edith shrugged her shoulders as though it was no bother.
“Perhaps – I better go before lover boy comes over here and wonders if I was trying to get Quidditch secrets from you, plus I think someone is hoping for a chat.” Edith spoke, nodding towards where the boys and Marlene were stood, looking over at them.
James was watching with narrowed eyes, Sirius seemed amused much like Marlene, and Remus – Remus was looking at them with a large grin that seemed impossibly larger as Edith stood up. Though he wouldn’t ever admit it, especially not after Mandy, perhaps there was something there on his end too.
It was sweet, and though Lily wouldn’t push, she could see the pair of them having a slightly cute if not maybe a bit awkward relationship.
“Thank you though...for the talk.” Edith muttered, cheeks red as Lily looked up at her.
“Anytime, and Edith – just give him time, there’s a lot about him that you don’t know and a lot that has happened that makes him worried and scared of relationships.” Lily whispered as the girl gave her a soft smile and a nod of her head before walking away.
Lily couldn’t help but watch as she moved across the pitch, no swagger in her walk like Marlene or even head held high like Hermione, but instead something that was graceful and excited as she stopped before Remus, and wrapped him into a quick hug that he returned with a slight laugh.
Their eyes still holding their gazes as they pulled away and began speaking, much closer than two ‘friends’ would, his hand moving to wrap around her own. She couldn’t hear what they were saying but it seemed to have them both smiling and laughing slightly, and she couldn’t stop her own smile that spread across her face.
Hazel eyes and a knowing smile caught her gaze as he strutted across the field, and suddenly Edith, Remus and the rest of their friends didn’t seem important, because when he looked at her like that, how could anything else matter?
…
Wednesday the 26th of October 1977
Lily swore as she stumbled around the corner, smiling apologetically at the student she had nearly just knocked over. It wasn’t like she had been intending to be running on her way to potions or into students, so she didn’t appreciate the look she was being given or the fact that the student was still blocking her way.
The student finally rolled their eyes, moving out of the way and shaking their head before finally leaving Lily stood where she was. “Rude.”
Her mouth opened to say something, to remind them that she was the Head girl, but the student was gone before she could even stutter a reply. It wasn’t important, no she had more important things to focus on, like the boy leaning against the wall with Sirius outside their classroom, speaking like Lily hadn’t spent the better part of the day looking for him or hoping for a chance to talk.
It wasn’t his fault, he didn’t know that she had rushed to lunch with an eager smile and a speech inside her head only to be told by his sister that he was doing homework in the library with Sirius. And she would wait until tonight, but it was the full moon, and although Remus was better thanks to the potion, he still had spent the day in bed and he would spend the night running around with stag and dog.
So it was now or never, or maybe it would be after class or when people stopped blocking her from attempting to walk over there.
“If it isn’t Evans.” Her eyes all but rolled to the back of her head as Emmeline stood in her way, long chocolate coloured hair and bright blue eyes, beautiful and like a model, and Jenny with her wild hair and smirk. Honestly, her luck must had been in the drains, because why else would people keep trying to ruin her day?
"Hello Emmeline." Lily muttered, smiling politely which turned into a full grin as James caught her eye, the smile that was on his face dropping as he caught sight of Emmeline before he mouthed something 'need help?', she laughed slightly before shaking her head. Emmeline following her line of sight before turning back with a smirk.
“Finally ready to admit to those rumours about you and James?” Emmeline asked as Lily let her smile drop. It wasn’t as though they had been keeping it a secret, they spent most of their free time going on little lake dates and holding hands.
“Maybe she finally decided to open those virgin legs after seventeen years of keeping them firmly closed." Jenny spoke with a cackle so intense that all she would have to do is paint her skin green and grow a wart on her nose, and then she really would be the Muggle version of a witch...or maybe a bitch.
"Not that that is any of your business, Jenny, but some of us don't need to have sex with a bloke to get some sort of validation." Lily answered as she attempted to move past the girl, Emmeline stopped her as a proud look flitted across her face, even a small smile. Is that how she had to win with these people, by insulting them or their friends, because she didn't want to do that.
"I'm going to take that as a no, it's fine, I mean I wouldn't want McKinnon’s sloppy seconds anyway." Emmeline spoke sweetly just as Hermione and Marlene walked past them, the latter rolling her eyes and mumbling under her breath while Hermione sent Lily a look much like her brother had. "Though I will admit that you two will probably look better together than he ever did with Marlene."
Lily stood shocked as Emmeline waved her fingers, turned and practically skipped off to class, her skirt flouncing in a way that had most boys staring after her with their mouths open, Lily even thought she saw one guy drooling, and Jenny following behind with a stroppy pout on her face.
"What did they want?" Her head snapped back around quickly to see James stood there, his hair even messier than usual and his glasses slightly lopsided much like his crooked and charming grin, and just like that it her annoyance and the speech that she had been planning disappeared in a cloud of smoke, and instead her eyes drifted down to his lips.
“Same bitchy shit.” Lily muttered as she stared, her voice slightly raspy and her imagination running to somewhere it shouldn’t be outside of a classroom.
“Nothing new then, so are we still on for our date this evening?” He spoke, like he didn’t even notice where she was looking, an eager note to his voice. “I was thinking we could have a picnic outside before it gets too cold and dark and -”
The moment his lips touched hers, she couldn’t understand why she had been denying and putting this off for so long – couldn’t understand why it even mattered what was said or done beforehand or where they even were, because kissing James Potter was like setting herself on fire in the best possible way.
His touch was soft and firm, and there was a hint of bitter coffee, but it didn’t matter, even as she pulled him closer, standing on the very tips of her toes and wrapping her arms around his neck. There was some cheering in the background, but it was all white noise, and she never wanted to stop even as her lungs burned for air.
When she finally pulled away, not eager to pass out like Hermione after the best kiss of her life, her gaze was met with a shocked and happy expression on his face that turned into the matching grin on her own as he leaned down and placed a softer kiss on her lips. No words needed to be said, it seemed, unless it came from someone else.
A small cough broke them apart as Lily turned to glare at the person, meeting the smirking expression of Hermione, her hands held up and her foot tapping against the stone floor. “Sorry to break apart what I imagine is a very sweet moment, but class does start in two minutes.”
Lily rolled her eyes but stepped away slightly, using his shoulder to steady herself as James’ look turned slightly dazed. “I can’t believe that just happened.”
“I hope it will happen again.”
James’ eyes turned wide and he nodded eagerly. “Just tell me the time, day and place and I will be there.”
“Maybe we should wait until I get the feeling back in my legs.” Lily admitted, her face heating up as she tried to step away, her legs like jelly and causing her to stumble sideways as James laughed and threw an arm over her shoulder, pulling her towards the classroom where their friends waited for them.
"I'll make sure to cut back on my kissing expertise next time then." James joked as he adjusted his glasses and placed a gentle kiss on her head that made butterflies come alive in her stomach, it was getting to be a nice feeling. And not that she would admit it to James, but if he could kiss that good just standing there then she was eager to see how she felt after a real kiss, but his ego could only take so much in one day.
"If you should cut anything then it should be your legs so I don't break my toes every time I try to kiss you." Lily teased as she nudged the top of his leg which was pretty much the same height as her hip.
"You know I could always bend down."
"Or you could pick me up." Lily pulled him down slightly to whisper in his ear, watching as his eyes went wide and the grin on his face seemed to widen too, though the rest of their friends groaned, Sirius even shivered and laid against Hermione with a grimace.
"Or we could not be having this discussion in school around our friends, or our sister unless you want to see me vomit." Hermione spoke lowly as she pushed Sirius into James and grabbed Lily's hand, pulling her into the classroom and away from James. Lily sent him one last wave, which was sad considering they would be seeing each other throughout class and afterwards.
...
Friday the 28th of October 1977 - Hermione
Hermione wasn’t immune to the honeymoon phase that new relationships brought, it was exciting to have a label slapped on the pair of you and the ability to kiss to your hearts desire. In saying that, she wasn’t exactly excited to see it happening in front of her.
On one hand, she was aware that her brother had been waiting for this for years, and that it had been a long time coming – and she was happy for them. On the other hand, watching her best friend and brother all but feed each other, plus the sappy sweet nothings that seemed to be the only conversation they could have at this moment, was absolutely disgusting.
It also didn’t need to happen while everyone was eating around them. Hermione had never seen Remus look as green after the moon as he did when he looked to his side, and Hermione was sure it wasn’t Sirius playing footsey beside her, or Marlene that kept giggling like a twelve year old girl.
“I feel like I’m going to be sick.” Hermione mumbled as Marlene scoffed beside her. “Please tell me we weren’t like this in the beginning or middle or whatever.” She whispered as she turned to look at Sirius as his eyes widened.
She couldn’t blame him, they would have a lot to apologise for if that was the case. “Merlin, I bloody hope not.”
Yet, despite his declaration, his hand still rested on her leg as she chuckled slightly and looked back over the table only to frown when Remus’ head slipped from his hand, eyes closing slightly – despite the moon being the night before last, it seemed to have caught up with his this time, or maybe it was the overload of coursework he had had to try and catch up from from missing the last two days.
“Remus.” Hermione hissed, reaching across the table to prod his shoulder. He blinked at her, sitting up straight with a frown before he reached out for the tea in front of her and downed it in a single gulp before handing the cup back to her. “I could have just made you one – why did you drink mine? Or better yet why not drink some coffee before your head lands in your mash?” She asked, gesturing to his food before him with a scowl.
“Because then I won’t sleep.” He pouted slightly as she rolled her eyes but got to work making two cups of teas as he turned his head to the side and gagged slightly. “Why is this still going on?” He asked as he looked away from where James and Lily now just seemed to be looking at each other, or James was staring stupidly at Lily who blushed under his gaze.
“It hasn’t stopped.” Marlene scoffed.
“Well at least they aren’t touching each other under the table.” Remus spoke with a pointed glance at Hermione and Sirius who both gaped and blushed.
Marlene laughed slightly. “Give them time – after all it didn’t take these two long.” She spoke, the couple managing to throw her a quick look before going back to their staring.
Hermione blushed again, it wasn’t like they felt each other up around their friends, just more that Sirius liked to be close. A hand on her thigh or around her shoulder so he could pull her closer, and she wasn’t about to complain because it had felt like the longest journey to get here, and they had taken their time and really it was only recently that they had even taken the next step.
Plus, it wasn’t like they were jumping on each other where people could see.
"Hermione, my tea!" Remus moaned, laying his head back on his hand and holding out his other one for the mug she had just added milk to. Her eyes narrowed at him, a smirk spreading across her face as she moved the cup closer to her side of the table and out of his reach. “Come on, just give it to.”
“Now you wouldn’t want to misconstrued that.” Hermione chuckled darkly as Remus glared at her. “I mean it’s a bit too eager and excited for a simple cup of tea.” His hand snatched at air before her as she laughed once again before handing the mug over and rolling her eyes as he let out a groan that had James turning to glare at him.
“She may have a point, Moony, maybe we should find you someone before you start trying to do things to that cup – or maybe we should just call over a certain blondie." Silver eyes twinkled in a way that shouldn’t have been as attractive as it was, even as they drifted quickly over to the Ravenclaw table and Remus mumbled something under his breath.
Before Remus could truly respond there was someone else speaking. “Hi.” A bright grin and a Hufflepuff badge that had them all frowning as some sixteen year old stood staring at Marlene, her food halfway to her mouth and her icy blue eyes narrowed. “I’m...I...you’re so beautiful.”
"Thank you, that's rather sweet of you to say." Sirius spoke in a high pitched voice as he slapped the back of his hand against his forehead and pretended to swoon all while chuckling when Remus began laughing into his drink, holding up an apologetic hand to the boy.
"Ignore him, he's an idiot – can we help you?” Hermione asked, but the boy ignored her, squeezing between her and Marlene so he could stare at the blond. Sirius gasped beside her, a hand on his chest.
“Mate, don’t pretend it isn’t true, you are a bit of an idiot.”
“Oh look whose finally returned from his heart eyed stare.” Sirius snapped at James who frowned and looked back to Lily with a confused stare.
“So I was wondering…” The whole group looked back to the boy and Marlene, all pretending like there wasn’t a bright blue eyed glare being sent their way from across the hall. “If you wanted to go out sometime?” The boy asked and Hermione felt slightly bad for him.
He wasn’t ugly, actually he had that all boyish look that Zach had had, though less – and he was looking at Marlene so eagerly, who was looking back with a dumbfounded expression. “What?”
“Like you and me – for the next Hogsmeade visit.”
“No – I – no, thank you, I’m...I’m not interested.” Marlene mumbled in an oddly polite way, wincing slightly as she looked across the hall and then back to the boy. “But thank you, I appreciate the compliment and the offer.”
Hermione felt another wave of sympathy for the boy of them. For Marlene who couldn’t outwardly admit she had a boyfriend unless she wanted to be on some hitlist or have everyone think she was Deatheater herself – or whatever rumours the school would come up with. It was something they had warned about when they decided to go down this route.
And the boy, well he looked like he had his dreams crushing, a downcast expression on his face before he looked back at the group and settled on Hermione, his mouth opening and a hopeful expression on his face.
“Don’t even think about it.” Sirius snapped before the boy could open his mouth, grabbing Hermione’s waist and pulling her into his side, so close that she was almost sat on his lap.
“And you -”
“I think you better go back to your table.” James snarled before the boy could finish his question directed towards Lily, the boy didn’t need to be told twice as he scampered away, head bowed as he sat back down with his friends, a ridiculous pout on his face. “Well that was interesting.”
“It was, seems we haven’t made our relationships as well known as we thought – tell you what, you two go back to staring at each other – Hermione and I have some things to do.” Sirius spoke with a cheeky grin as he moved to grip her hand and stand from the table only for James to slam him hands down on the wood.
“Sit down.” He hissed before he turned Hermione with a glare. “There is no way are you allowing yourself to be defiled in some broom cupboard." James spoke sternly, Lily's lips twisted in amusement as she shrugged her shoulders at Hermione.
"James, I would think you would think I'm a bit classier than getting 'defiled' in some broom cupboard somewhere." Hermione explained as she used the quotation marks with a roll of her eyes. “Also your dorm is empty.”
"Also I wasn’t the one to defile her - first.” Sirius threw in with a smirk. James glared at him, hazel eyes burning as Lily laughed behind her hand and Remus watched the whole conversation with excited eyes as though it was the best thing he had seen.
"Maybe just shut up, Pads,” Remus mumbled, holding out an arm so James wouldn’t start something in front of everyone.
"Plus, I'm a grown woman, thank you, if I want to have sex then I will have sex with whomever I please."
"I didn't need to know that." James muttered under his breath as Lily rubbed his arm though she was still chuckling slightly.
“Not like we didn’t already know – I mean it’s not like either of them seem to have mastered the art of a silencing spell.” Remus scoffed, rolling his and taking a sip of his tea like he hadn’t just dropped a bomb that made Hermione want to sink into her seat.
“What the fuck, Moony?” James screamed before shivering slightly. At least he hadn’t heard anything, because that would have truly been mortifying.
“You know, this little pervert thing you have going on is going to need to stop.” Sirius muttered, shaking his head and giving their friend a disappointed look. James was still shivering, though leaning more into Lily as she rubbed his back and tried not to laugh.
“I’m not a pervert.”
“A voyeur then.”
“You forgot the silencing charm - it’s not like I’m stood at the end of your bed peeking through the curtains with my nob in my hand.” Remus all but snarled, throwing his hands in the air as Marlene choked on a piece of her food and Lily let a small surprised laugh break through.
“And that’s just what a girl wants to hear.”
“Oh fuck.” Remus muttered, lowering his head into his hands as Hermione grinned up at Edith from where she stood behind Remus and James, an amused smirk on her face and her hands gripping her bag strap tightly. “That wasn’t – I don’t even know what to say.”
“Don’t worry, I just came over here to give you this.” Edith spoke with a laugh as she reached into her bag and brought out a book, handing it Remus almost timidly. “And to ask if we were still meeting tomorrow, though maybe you could keep the little Remus in your pants for that.” Sirius barked out a laugh and Hermione chuckled as Remus turned bright red.
“Yeah – yeah, I’ll be there.” He mumbled as Edith grinned, all white teeth and dimples, seeming to go redder as she walked out of the hall with a quick wave. “Please tell me that didn’t happen.” He muttered more to himself than anyone else.
Sirius was still laughing, slapping his thigh. “Mate, you need to make a move on blondie before someone else does.” He winced as Hermione dug her nails into his side, leaning to whisper to her. “Not me of course.”
Remus frowned, tilting his head to the side as he cast a quick look to Marlene, who scoffed and shook her head. “I thought I had made this point clear with that other bloke – but I’m sure Sirius doesn’t mean me, as I’m more interested in staring at someone in green and silver across the hall.” She nodded her head towards where Regulus sat, stabbing his food and pouting.
“Which is just disturbing if you ask me – my brother is not a piece of meat to be ogled at.” Sirius snapped, leaning across Hermione with narrowed eyes.
“Clearly you haven’t seen him without any clothes.”
“No, I haven’t!” Sirius shouted, eyes wide. “Besides the point – Moons, there is a beautiful, though not as beautiful as any of the ladies here, woman who spent all summer writing to you and who looks at you like she wouldn’t mind if you went full beast and ripped her clothes off -”
“I’m going to stop you there before you get graphic.” Remus sighed, holding up his hand, cheeks still a rosy pink. “I’m fine Pads, I don’t want nor need a relationship and Edith is just a friend.” Even if it sounded true, it didn’t stop his eyes from looking towards the doors where Edith had departed with a frown.
“She doesn’t have to -”
“Not everyone has to be in relationships, and I’m fine being the single one in the group, means I get to torment you all with my freedom.” He joked but there was something there. “Or maybe I’ll pull a Marlene and find a lovely Death Eater woman to have a secret time with.” He winked at Marlene who rolled her eyes, but the corners of her lips turned up in amusement.
“Pretty sure the only female Death Eater there is, is crazy Bella, who is married and once again – crazy.” Sirius explained with a grimace.
“Then I’m good staying single.”
No one spoke. Remus’ words were final and there was nothing they could do about it, they were all perfectly aware of what happened with Mandy and how that had scared Remus – and whatever his parents had said over the summer.
And now it seemed as though he was swearing off any girl that showed a slight amount of interest in him out of fear of something else happening.
Hermione wanted to grab him and shake him, tell him that the mistake he had already made would be made again if he didn’t stop this self loathing and fear that his life could never be normal. He had a potion that helped keep him in check, friends willing to jump in his way, and possibly a girl who had already been vocal about what she believed, but he was willing to let it go to waste.
Saying anything though wouldn’t help him, and it seemed everyone else thought the same as they bowed their heads and went back to eating – everyone except Marlene, who was staring at the boy with a knowing expression, despite the fact that Remus seemed determined not to look at her.
Whatever was going on there was something Hermione was not interested in finding out.
…
Friday the 4th of November 1977
If the Common Room had seemed busy for her own birthday then it was nothing compared to Sirius’. It was like every house, except Slytherin, fourth year and up had decided to come, and now it was hard to move without bumping into someone or knocking over some kind of drink.
Sirius stood at the centre of it all, or more accurately, danced on a table in the centre of the room, a bottle of something in one hand and his other hand holding a lighter above his head. For a second she thought she should pull him down, maybe pour some water down his throat before she cruelly reminded of the year before.
The quietness of the dorm, mixed with the smell of cigarettes and the sadness that had lingered on Sirius face, and bled into his words. It hadn’t been a good time for either of them, the trauma of their ‘family’ and what seemed like the weight of the world on their shoulders, but Hermione had found the whole thing just another step in a direction with him that seemed impossible to turn away from.
So, to see him acting like a normal eighteen year old, it was easier to shake her head and smile slightly, and worry about the repercussions of alcohol and whatever else might happen tomorrow.
“Looks like he’s having fun!” A flash of auburn hair and emerald eyes made Hermione turn to see Lily, rubbing her throat and wincing slightly. It seemed having to scream over the pounding music while dodging people wasn’t as great as it seemed to everyone else.
“Seems that way.” Hermione shouted back as Lily stumbled slightly into her shoulder, throwing a glare to the idiot that barged past her.
“Well at least he still – oh there we go.”
“For fucks sake, can you hold this?” Hermione sighed as she held out her drink, glaring at the girl that had dared to even try and speak to Sirius, all pouty lips and fluttering eyes. Pathetic and annoying, despite the amusement Lily gave her as she took her drink. “Don’t give me that look, not when the same thing is about to happen over there.” She added, pointing to her brother and some girl that was speaking to him.
Someone who Hermione was pretty sure was Melissa, now about fourteen and still kind of dressed like a bee, or perhaps the Hufflepuff mascot. Either way, James was not interested and Lily was furious.
Hermione didn’t stay to watch what she was sure would have been some clipped words, moon eyes from James and no doubt a pout from the other girl. She was more focused on her mission of pushing through the crowd and towards the table so she could grab Sirius.
He didn’t seem to notice her there, his eyes closed as he moved to the music, but the other girl did, and she eyed Hermione with a smirk, that fell as rapidly as her drink as Hermione pulled Sirius down from the table and behind her.
“Excuse you, don’t you know it’s rude to interrupt people?” The girl sneered, face twisting in a way that made her more ugly than she already was.
“Don’t you know it’s rude to try it on with another girls boyfriend?”
“I didn’t know he was your boyfriend, not like he was complaining.”
“I would have if I had known you were there.” Sirius mumbled behind her, swaying slightly, his hands on her waist as though to steady himself or make a show for the girl, Hermione didn’t really care either way.
“And somehow the smirk you gave makes me think you knew exactly what you were doing, not that it did much so might I suggest you go try whatever it is you were attempting to do on someone who is actually interested, and leave impressing and ‘seducing’ Sirius to me.”
A few of the crowed chuckled, as the girl pouted while Sirius’ warm hands wrapped around her waist, his voice low in her ear as he spoke. “I do like to be seduced.”
Hermione chuckled as she wormed her way out of his arms and gripped his hand, inclining her head towards the exit and grinning. “Come on then and let me show you how it should be done.” She grinned cheekily as his eyes lit up, stumbling behind her as she pulled him towards the tunnel.
Sirius didn’t need to be asked twice as he scrambled out, pushing the portrait open and reaching for her hands to pull her out before he could even take a breath, the Fat Lady grumbling behind her as she closed, not even bothering to remind them of curfew or whatever.
“So, where did you want to go? The handy broom closet? The Astronomy Tower? The Prefect’s bathroom?” His eyebrows waggled as he shimmed towards her, more with his hips than the rest of his body, a grin on his face as she held up her hands and laughed.
“We’re not going anywhere.” Hermione chuckled, even as she walked further up the corridor, to a more private part where portraits weren’t staring and ready to spread gossip.
Sirius frowned before he grinned again, reaching for her. “The corridor then, bit kinkier than usual…” He didn’t finish his sentence as he kissed her, still smiling as Hermione chuckled against his lips, her hands curled between her chests, and gently pushing him back.
“Not in the corridor – maybe if you are lucky then perhaps we can finish this in your dorm, later on.” She added as his mouth opened and he pouted at her like a child.
“Why are you here then?”
“Someone wanted to see you.”
“You can see me whenever you like.”
“Not me.” Hermione spoke with a laugh before she gripped his wrist to look down at his watch with a small sigh, teeth digging into her bottom lip for a few seconds. “Though we might be stood here for a bit, I wasn’t supposed to bring you out for another twenty minutes, but that bitch pissed me off and I needed to get out of there before I set her hair on fire.” She added, twirling her wand between her fingers as he raised his brows.
“I know it probably shouldn’t, but this jealousy and rage is doing things for me.” He all but whispered in her ear, trailing a finger over her red cheeks and playful frown. “I mean we can go back in and see if -”
“Or we could make it even, maybe this time someone will come and talk to me…” Hermione trailed off as he growled slightly and pulled her back towards his chest, keeping her close like he was scared she might skip off to do what she said, but they both knew she never would.
“No, better idea, we stay here and wait for whoever it is that wanted to see me – it’s not Snape, is it?” The look of horror was enough to break her out of her slightly flustered thoughts, as she rolled her eyes practically to the back of her head. “Can’t blame me for asking, he’s been staring loads lately, I’m starting to think he’s a bit interested.”
“If he was interested in anyone in the group then it would be James, I mean the grudge he holds, the anger about Lily.” Hermione spoke, shrugging her shoulders as Sirius frowned slightly. “A shame James is not interested.” She added as Sirius stepped away, a small smile on her face.
“Nope, he solely has eyes for Little Red...and only has time for you.” The last part was whispered as though she wasn’t meant to hear, and judging by the wince he gave, she guessed she wasn’t supposed to hear it.
It wasn’t out of character for him to dig here and there, to pout and make his feelings known in some sort of dramatic way, but it was hardly ever aimed towards her or even James, and was no said with a tense jaw and a frown. Like a dog, it raised her hackles and pushed away any of the fun they seemed to be having together. “What do you mean by that?”
“Nothing, I’m drunk...forget it.” Something she would have believed if his eyes weren’t clear and his steps backwards weren’t as solid as the forced smile on his face.
“You know you can tell me what it is you are thinking or feeling, Sirius, you don’t need to hide that.” Hermione spoke, softer than before but there was a clenching in her stomach and almost warning bells in her head, ones she was choosing to ignore.
Sirius laughed, but it was slightly cold, as he paced before her. “Funny, I used to think the same with you.” Her mouth opened to speak but he cut her off, standing before her with almost pleading hands. “Have I not given enough or showed you that you can trust me?”
“What? Of course.” Hermione cried, reaching for him only for him to step out of her way, swaying slightly where he stood and reminding her that perhaps he wasn’t as sober as she originally thought. “What...where is this coming from?” She asked, softer as worry crept up her spine and twisted around her neck like a noose.
“Do I not deserve the same trust then that you show James when you go off and talk about your little secrets?”
“Is that what this is about? I thought we had moved past this.”
“Moved past...we never even really spoke about it.” Sirius spat out as he glared at her before pointing a finger to his chest as he moved to stand before her once more. “As your partner, I think I deserve -”
“You deserve.” Hermione scoffed out, shaking her head. Anger ran through her veins now as she glared at him, annoyance that he had managed to pull out the reaction he so clearly wanted as he rolled his eyes. “Why does it have to be about what you deserve?” She asked, trying her best to keep the fury from her voice.
“Because -”
“Do not trust me enough to think that perhaps I don’t have to tell you everything, that I am entitled to keep some things to myself?” She asked, but it was the wrong thing to say and she knew it as he laughed coldly again.
“Yet you tell James.” He pointed out as though it was an argument, which maybe it was for other people who had siblings, but they both knew it was different than other people.
“James is my brother!” Hermione all but shouted, throwing her hands in the air. People would never understand, they saw James and Hermione as weird siblings, ones who spent too much time together, who hung onto each other like they were scared to let go.
Maybe they were, but there was so much more to it than that. Their friends knew that, had made jokes and jabs, but they had understood – and Hermione knew it probably didn’t make sense why her best friend, confidant and other half was her brother, but for so long, he was all she had had – the first glimpse at family, unconditional love and trust.
“And brother trumps boyfriend.” Sirius spoke as though he was reading her thoughts. Her mouth opened to respond and snapped closed in a second, he didn’t look angry about that, but sad and it hurt more than she realised. “Don’t say anything – I don’t need to know that, I just need to know why my girlfriend is so secretive with certain things, I want to know what she is hiding.”
“Have I acted any differently? Have I treated you any differently?” Hermione asked softly, as Sirius frowned at her, tongue coming out to wet his lips as he looked at her sadly again.
“You haven’t exactly been around to do that.” That hurt, more than she wanted to admit, and it had hurt him too.
“What?”
“Between N.E.W.Ts and whatever it is you run around doing, it’s not like I have seen you all that much to start noticing differences.”
“Her heart clenched painfully in her chest, her hands aching to reach for him again – to pull him forward and spill everything, if not to make this fight end but to wipe that sad look from his face. I’m sorry...you’re right, I should have -”
“And you know, it makes me think.” Sirius spoke, cutting her off and narrowed eyes and clenched hands replacing the slightly glassy eyed look. “Makes me wonder if there is something, or someone else that you are spilling your deepest and darkest feelings too.” He looked at her with a slight smirk, as though waiting for her to splutter to deny it.
“That’s what you think?” She asked back, complete disbelief and hurt written all over her face as his smirk dropped and something that looked more like guilt taking over before being replaced by a sneer.
“What else am I supposed to think?”
“That I would never look anywhere else, and that I haven’t since we started going out – that you should know how I feel about you, and that this isn’t the argument I was expecting to happen.” She had spent the past few years chasing him, waiting for him, wanting only him – and she was not about to have the label cheater slapped on her head when everyone knew it wasn’t true.
“Yeah well, it’s hard to know anything when you aren’t around.” Was this going to be the new thing he threw in her face? Slights about her keeping secrets and not being around enough for him to validate that?
“Then please believe me when I say there is nothing going on like that, and I’m a bit hurt you would suggest that.” The words were almost like a whisper, rolling from her tongue before she could stop them as he looked at her with guilt once again. He didn’t believe it. He was just in his head.
“I’ll believe you when you tell me what you’re hiding.” Sirius spoke, staring at her expectantly as her mouth opened and closed, her throat seeming to close around the words and make it almost impossible. “Forget it – I can’t...I can’t believe how selfish you can be sometimes.”
“Selfish? You think I’m being selfish!” “I’m trying to keep you safe, you arsehole.”
“Safe -” He bit out with a scoff, shaking his head as his silver eyes turned colder as he glared at her, making her heart drop to her stomach. “Seems like the only thing I should have been kept safe from is you.” A slap would have hurt less, she was sure, not that he would ever raise a hand, Sirius was more than capable of inflicting pain with his words.
Hurt settled in her bones, tears pricking the corners of her eyes as the sound of footsteps was heard. Her brain was a petty thing, reeling back the words and admittance that had been on the tip of her tongue, the truth that she had thought about admitting so many times but never found the confidence to do. It was gone now.
If he wanted to paint her as the bad guy, if he wanted to make their argument something drawn out in his disappointed and drunk anger, then she could do the same.
“Everything ok here?” Regulus’ voice spoke from behind them, not that Hermione raised her head to look at him as she fought to stop herself from wrapping her arms around herself.
“What do you want?” Sirius spoke, snapping and feet slapping against the floor as he moved away from her and probably towards them.
“To come and give you this for your birthday.”
“My birthday was yesterday.”
“Yeah, well, I wasn’t invited…”
“Mi’?” Wedged shoes and flared jeans appeared before her, and no doubt her golden face was marred with worry and concern, judging by the way the same golden hands all but reached out for her and dropped once Hermione stepped away from them.
“I’m fine.” Hermione spoke, sniffing back her tears and looking at the three. Regulus looked unsure, his eyes flickering between her and his brother, a gift in his hand; Marlene was looking at her in concern but her hands were clenched and Hermione knew it would only take a single tear to fall down her cheek before she would be whirling round to Sirius with a glare; and Remus...Remus looked as though he knew exactly what had happened and was somewhere between disappointment and pity.
It almost made her laugh, of course he would be disappointed in her, because why else would he take her side in things. Not that she wanted there to be sides, but it seemed like she was the only one who could see why telling the two people before her was a bad idea, not when lashing out before she could even utter the words was the reaction she got.
Self preservation was the way she had to go sometimes, and right now, hurt and wanting tot curl into a ball was better than standing there and pretending everything with her boyfriend was fine, but she wouldn’t let them see her cry. See her break down over what she was already sure were her mistakes.
So she settled for an overly fake smile that seemed to have everyone taking a nervous breath and stepping away, even more so as she settled on Regulus. “He’s all yours, moodiness and hurtful comments included – try not to take it personally though, it’s me he’s really mad at.”
Regulus gave her a nod as Sirius scoffed. Hermione didn’t turn to look at him, she had seen enough of his face and heard enough of his voice for the day, and she wasn’t sure what she might do or say if he tried to hold her back. But he didn’t, nothing was said as she walked away from the them and back down the corridor.
Remus tried to grab her arm as she moved past him, but a quick shake and glare was enough for him to let her go and continue on her way, none of them speaking until she turned the corner.
“What the fuck did you do?” Marlene’s voice carried, and once it might have made Hermione smile, to hear her best friend sticking up for her but now it only brought tears to her eyes and made her feet move faster before someone decided to follow her.
…
She wasn’t sure how long she had been gone, wandering around the seventh floor with her head bowed and tears streaming down her face.
No one followed, but it didn’t mean they wouldn’t if she didn’t come back, and then she would have to explain to them. It was her fault anyway and she didn’t need to see the disappointment they would give her, didn’t need to know what they really thought, because she thought it too.
She was the bitch who refused to give in. She was the one who kept her cards close to her chest, for reason only she seemed to be able to understand. She was the one that was worried about telling because she knew what it would mean. She was the selfish one who would rather keep her boyfriend and best friend at arms length because she couldn’t...didn’t want them to leave.
James was loyal, he was her brother, and he wouldn’t leave. In the same way Remus wouldn’t because he saw them as some kind of pack, to protect and trust – and he understood secrets and worries better than anyone. Lily wouldn’t leave because she had done it once, and it hurt them more than either of them admitted.
But Marlene, Sirius – they were hurt by things like this. Whether she told them now or two years ago, it would mean they would leave, maybe not forever but their trust would be broken. They were reckless, and they made mistakes but they were loyal, and it would hurt them to know something had been kept from them for so long.
And Hermione… Hermione needed to protect herself, as much as she trusted them, there was a part of her that worried about what might be said. Regulus was involved with both of them, and a Deatheater and she wanted to trust him, but there was always a worry there. What if Marlene said something without meaning to? What if he told Voldemort?
What if Sirius did something like what he did with Snape and Remus? A quick moment of anger was all it took for everything to come crumbling down. It was cruel to think it and she knew that, but she also knew it was why James hadn’t pushed her, and even why Remus wasn’t as quick with his pushing.
Merlin, she felt horrible, and tired, but she didn’t want to go back to the common room or dorm and have to face a million questions. She just wanted somewhere to hide for a while, to not have to deal with everything. To not have to be a Gryffindor.
A sigh left her mouth as she leaned against the tapestry of Barnabas, frowning at the creaking sound that followed not long after, finally looking up from the floor to see a door.
Now, Hermione had been at Hogwarts for seven years, had walked the corridors millions of times, had made note mentally of every room, closet and staircase, but she had never seen this door before, except a part of her felt like she had. A part of her was urging her to move forward and push the door open to see what she could find.
So she did that, stepping inside the room and letting the door close behind her, let it sink back into the wall as though there had never been a door there in the first place.
A small room, with bookshelves and comfy sofas, a roaring fire and what looked like a tea pot. Nothing special or exciting but enough to make her shoulders drop and her feet moved forward until she stood before the sofa, a small cry leaving her mouth as she sat onto the worn, comfy cushions.
It didn’t take a genius to know where she was, maybe it did to figure out why it looked like it did instead of the towering old objects and possible diadem, and maybe once she was in her right mind then she would try and figure it out, but for now she was more than content to curl into a ball and let her tears, and the weight of everything fall over her.
…
Saturday the 5th of November 1977
The sun was steadily rising as she made her way back into the seventh years girls dormitory, a yawn leaving her mouth as she let the door close softly behind her.
It hadn’t been intentional, but something about the comfy sofa and roaring fire had lulled her into sleep, or it could have been the tiredness that seemed to come with letting out what must have been years worth of anxious emotions, either way she had woken up a few hours later – still tired and feeling emotionally raw in a way that let her know one comment was only going to rile her up.
Yet hiding wasn’t going to do anything either, no one had come in the night but she was sure in the morning her friends would have the whole castle looking for her.
Thus she had made the decision to come back to her dorm, and sleep, which seemed strange, with it’s five beds and variety of things thrown about. Different from the dorm she had become used to sleeping in, though the thought of going up there only made her feel like crying again.
The door opened behind her, making Hermione step out of the way as Marlene stepped inside, relief flooding her face as she gently took Hermione into her arms. “There you are – where have you been?”
“I -”
“It doesn’t matter.” Marlene spoke before she could say anything else, pulling back and rubbing Hermione’s cheeks with a sad smile. “What matters is that you are back here and alright.” She spoke, almost motherly in a way as she stepped further back but kept one hand on Hermione’s shoulder.
“Were – were you looking for me?” Hermione asked as guilt clenched around her tightly, once again.
“Of course, we thought that we would give you some space, but then when you didn’t come back we went looking – must have been some hiding place you found, might have to show it to me one day.” Marlene spoke, a gentle smile on her face before it feel and her eyebrows scrunched together. “Are you ok?”
“Yeah...yeah, I didn’t mean to worry anyone...sorry.” Hermione spoke softly as Marlene actually let out a small laugh.
“Mi’, it’s fine, it’s what you do for friends – I’m just glad you’re back here and everything.” Marlene spoke softer this time as she guided Hermione towards her bed, making her sit down on the edge. “Though, I think some sleep will do you good – so...er...you get ready for bed and I’m just going to run out and tell Lil’ and everyone else that you’re ok.” Marlene spoke as Hermione toed off her shoes with a small nod. “I’ll be right back.”
And then she was gone. Hermione stayed where she was, fully dressed and tired, staring at the old wooden floor, marked by time and probably having heard a millions of different secrets throughout the years, yet no one was judging it.
Merlin, she must have been tired if she was comparing herself to a fucking floor.
“Oh look whose back – you know, just because you’re a Prefect doesn’t mean you can avoid curfew.” Hermione took a deep breath as Jenny stood at the edge of her bed, in her pyjamas and wet hair plaited over her shoulder as she held clothes and make up bag in her hands.
Who the fuck got ready on a Saturday at 7am? Even more so after the party the night before – Hermione had seen the common room on her way up and judging by the few passed out down there and the amount of mess, it was safe to say the party had continued long after she had left.
“Thanks for the reminder.”
“Though you, McKinnon and Evans all seem to follow your own rules – I would assume you were busy keeping Sirius bed warm but judging by last night I can imagine he wasn’t so eager to have you there, not that I blame him.” Jenny spoke with a smirk, jutting out her hip in a way that she probably thought made her look tough and pretty, but to Hermione just looked uncomfortable.
This whole conversation was uncomfortable and Hermione was almost wishing she had stayed in the other room for the rest of the day, so she wouldn’t have to deal with anyone or think about how pathetic she was probably being. “Don’t you have anything better to do than gossip?”
“It’s not gossip when we all saw him storm into the common room without you, looking hurt and angry – and you should have seen the look he gave James when he asked about you – in fact I heard some of the things he might have even said, and let’s just say we were all thinking it.” Jenny leaned forward, whispering her words with a wide grin, almost as though it was a secret between them.
“You know, the most shocking thing you’ve said is that you have the ability to think.” Hermione whispered back, not a care in the world as Jenny gave her a slightly hurt look. Guess someone couldn’t take what she so naturally handed out.
“And the most shocking thing about you is that Sirius has stuck with you this long.” She snapped back, looking Hermione up and down with a glare. “I mean, I guess you’re kind of pretty, but personally I don’t know why anyone would want to be with such a bitch.” She spat out the last word and stepped back as Hermione stood up.
She was tired and on edge, and if she was being honest, Hermione was itching for an excuse to wave her wand and let go of some of her anger, but it wouldn’t help, and she would seem even more pathetic about being this upset over something that was probably so simple.
“You’d know all about being a bitch, wouldn’t you Jenny?” She snapped back instead, narrowing her eyes and grinning widely as the girl stepped back once again.
“Erm...what’s going on in here?” Emmeline called as she stepped out of the bathroom and into the dorm, almost putting herself between the girls.
“I was just informing Potter about some things that happened last night.”
“Merlin, Jen, cut it out for once.” Hermione stared at her, mouth open as Emmeline stepped further between them, sending a narrowed eyed look to her best friend
“I was just saying -”
“Well I’m saying stop.” Emmeline snapped, flicking her chocolate coloured hair over her shoulder and sending Hermione a cold look before looking back at Jenny. “Now can you go finish getting ready so we can go get breakfast, I’m tired of always waiting around for you.” It was added with a click of her fingers, an order if Hermione had ever seen one.
“Fine.” And like the sheep she was, Jenny walked away, glaring as Hermione gave her a serine smile.
“Sorry about whatever she said, she can be a bit of a…”
“Bitch? Don’t worry about it, not like I didn’t say anything back.” Hermione spoke, frowning as Emmeline softened and sat on her own bed, looking towards the closed bathroom and then back to Hermione with a grimace.
“She’s having some problems at home, and...well between me and you, she’s always kind of been a bit jealous of you.” She said it as though it was funny, as though she couldn’t imagine anyone being jealous of Hermione. And for once Hermione could agree with her.
Her life was not something to be jealous about, it had been nothing more than dark and soul breaking, and the added weight of a future she could barely remember, but these weren’t things she was going to say, so instead she settled for mumbling. “Right.”
“I think it’s because she has a crush on Sir-”
“No offence Emmeline, but I’m not really interested in the pair of us talking like we haven’t spent the past seven years at each others throat – so if you’ve got something to say then-”
“Are you ok?” Emmeline spoke, cutting off Hermione before she could rant or say something else.
Hermione stared at her, waiting for the other shoe to drop or a bitchy comment to come but nothing did, instead Emmeline stared at her with those beautiful blue eyes, slumping slightly so her hair moved over her copper shoulder. So beautiful and elegant looking, and for once there was nothing but pure concern on her face.
It almost had Hermione feeling confused, her brain trying to remember a time they had spoke like this before and coming up blank. “What?”
“You don’t have to tell me anything, but Jenny wasn’t wrong in saying we all know something happened last night, and well it’s obvious you’ve spent the better part of the night crying...so are you alright?” Emmeline asked again, glancing towards the bathroom door. Worrying that her kindness would be seen by her very own best friend, almost like a weakness.
“Fantastic.”
“Right...well...erm...there’s some concealer in my top draw, it might not be the right colour but it should do the trick in hiding your under eyes and maybe adding some colour back to your skin, Merlin knows you could use it.” It was perhaps the kindest thing Emmeline Vance had ever said in her life, and it was followed by a small smile that had Hermione frowning.
“Thanks, I guess.” Never in her life did she think she would thank Emmeline, but the words tumbled out of her before she would stop them.
“And, before Jenny comes out...he’ll realise soon enough, boys are stupid but he really likes you, it’s obvious to everyone, sickeningly so.” The bathroom door opened at the same time as Marlene and Lily came in, three girls staring at the two in shock. “I guess that’s all, so like take care or whatever.”
A quick smile and then Emmeline was moving out of the dorm with Jenny, leaving Hermione staring after, brain trying to figure out what had just happened and ears tuning out whatever questions her friends were asking her as they shut the door behind them and guided her towards her bed.
Neither of them thought twice as they laid beside her, one of either side, talking away even thought it was clear Hermione wasn’t listening, but she appreciated it nonetheless. The unquestionable loyalty of her two best friends, and their lack of concern for what had happened, and need to offer comfort even without knowing what happened.
One day she would tell them, one day she would spill everything, one day she would heal herself from the doubts and plagues that littered her mind, but for now she would take the comfort she was offered.