I Confess...
Saturday the 12th of November 1977
It was strange to be in this position. Where for once in her life, she wasn’t the cause of drama or relationship issues, but simply a friend on the outside watching as two of her closest friends seemed to fall apart.
Now, she wasn’t going to claim to completely understand what had happened and the reactions that followed afterwards, but she was smart enough to perhaps understand some of it, from both points of view.
That, and she had caught the end of their little argument, heard Sirius’ dickish comment and seen Hermione’s face when she came back to the dorm at seven in the morning, which probably didn’t help the accusations that had been thrown at her, but Marlene wanted to be a good friend and she wasn’t about to point that out to Hermione.
Nor was she taking sides. Except she actually was, and it was clear to everyone whose side she was on, even as she tried to remain mutual – it was hard.
See Marlene understood that sometimes you couldn’t just tell people your deepest darkest secrets. She understood that sometimes things were best kept to yourself because people didn’t always react in the best way. Her whole relationship was a secret, Regulus kept secrets from her for obvious reasons, and she kept her own secrets from him.
It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him, she did, but this was a war, and they were both on opposite sides and Marlene had already lost her family, and she knew if her own darkest secret came out then it would be over, and she would be even more of an outcast than she already was.
So Hermione could keep her secrets, Marlene wasn’t going to be upset about it because whatever it was, their relationship had remained the same, and honestly Marlene didn’t even remember there were secrets between them when they were together, so did that mean they weren’t important?
Maybe, but it didn’t matter.
Hermione’s life had started kind of shit, and she would tell them what was bothering her when she was ready, for now it was there job to be by her side and good friends so that whatever doubts she had wasn’t causing chaos between them all.
And really, she just wished people would see it the same way. Except it seemed when the ‘it’ couple of their little group weren’t speaking, that the school and their friends all seemed to take sides. And it seemed the majority of the school were more than happy to paint Hermione as the bad guy, and offer comfort to Sirius.
Which if he thought was going to help revealing things then he was as stupid as he seemed. If anything it was pushing Hermione away, making her cling to herself harder, making her spend more time away from everyone – making her isolate herself.
All because of one stupid fight between two stubborn and slightly petty people.
She wanted to speak to them both, to knock their heads together but the closest she had come is almost ripping Sirius’ bat from his hand when he aimed a bludger towards the stands when some guy handed Hermione back her scarf. Fucking lunatic. Couldn’t see his errors but had no problem expressing jealously about a girl he hadn’t spoken more than three words to in a week.
Regulus flew by her, weaving around a bludger heading her way and giving her a look as she blinked and ducked, glaring at the Slytherin beaters before flying again.
“Head in the game, McKinnon.” James shouted over the cheers and boos of the crowd, giving her a knowing look as he threw her the quaffle.
She didn’t need to be told twice, their friends problems could be discussed when they weren’t in their first game of the season and only twenty points up. Sighing, she moved, pushing forward on her broom towards the goal posts and twisting through the air to shake off the bludgers, all but skidding to a stop before the posts and throwing the quaffle to James.
The Slytherin keeper blinked, as James came out of nowhere, throwing perfectly and landing them another ten points up with a grin.
“AND GRYFFINDOR SCORES ANOTHER GOAL!” The crowd screamed with the commentator, as Marlene grinned and turned her broom around, her eyes finding her friends in the crowd and letting her grin drop.
Lily was stood in the middle of what looked like a bickering argument between Hermione and Remus, her lips curved in a tense smile as she gave Marlene a thumbs up, and her shoulder practically up to her ears in a way that made Marlene feel sorry for her.
If Marlene was lying about not taking sides, then so was Remus. He pretended that he understood both sides but she had seen enough of his disappointing looks and following Sirius to know he was annoyed at Hermione, enough to set the other girl on edge and spend her time glaring at him.
The only true neutral person seemed to be Lily, and maybe James, the pair all but walking away when something was said. Spending their days together and away from drama. Not that she could blame them, it probably didn’t help to be already a fractured couple all the time.
Sighing, she pushed her thoughts away, focusing on her objective for now. Winning the game and rubbing it in her boyfriends face.
…
The locker room was loud, everyone on a high as they stowed their brooms and sat themselves down, listening to James’ speech of unity and winning and something that she had probably heard a million times before.
There was a promise of a party, a celebration only for Gryffindor with some students providing alcohol, but Marlene could see the apprehension on her friends faces, mainly Sirius’, but also on James as he clenched his jaw slightly.
Even more so as the newest Chaser spoke at them like he couldn’t see or hadn’t heard what happened a week before. “...and you’ll have to be there too captain...we can’t have a party without you, or without any of you...Merlin, it’s going to be so weird next year when you are all...oh Hermione.” He all but sighed as the three friends turned to see her.
She stood strong, even under Sirius’ scoff and glare, curls pulled back into messy plait, face free of make up and her usual attire on under her thick cloak, even a smile made it’s way to her face – slightly forced but she still made it look good.
“I just came to wish you all congratulations and also because I needed to talk to -”
“Figures, guess you’ve been summoned, Prongs.” Sirius all but hissed out, shaking his head as he let out a small laugh under Hermione’s annoyed glare and Marlene’s rolling eyes.
“Shut up, Sirius.” James hissed back.
“Actually I was here for Marlene, not that it’s any of your business.”
“Seems like whatever you do isn’t my business.”
“Can you just cut it out?” Marlene snapped, more so at Sirius who had opened his mouth to say something else. “We are in a public space, how about we save the fighting when we have more privacy and less hostility?”
“I’m not the one being hostile.” Hermione hissed out, glaring at Sirius but the hurt and pain was obvious behind those dark eyes. Her arms crossed over her chest and she looked away, sniffing slightly – perhaps if she had looked longer then she would have seen the expression that crossed Sirius’ face.
“Mi’…” James said her voice so softly that it was almost a whisper, and Hermione seemed to sag under it’s weight.
“I didn’t come here to start a fight, like I said, I just needed to talk to Marlene, but if my presence is such a fucking nuisance then I’ll just leave.” Hermione scoffed out, holding her hands up in the air and glaring at them all.
“Maybe that would be best, don’t want you to have look at all the faces you’ve been lying to.” Sirius sneered out, looking every bit the bully he used to be.
Hermione’s jaw clenched, before she gave a singular nod and turned around, storming out of the locker room and Merlin held anyone who got in her way now. Marlene sighed as the door slammed shut, before turning to look at Sirius and James.
“Are you going to speak to him or go after your sister? Or should I do both since you can’t seem to decide whose being a real cunt right now?” She snapped as James blinked, his face grimacing and his hazel eyes looking around at the small crowd of Gryffindor’s that had appeared around them.
“Love how all of this is my fault.” Sirius huffed out, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees as James sighed.
“Pads...just...I’m gonna go check on Hermione.”
“Tell her I’ll meet her in half an hour near the greenhouses, should be free from accusing eyes and dicks.”
“Sure.” James nodded at her, seeming to debate for a second as Marlene glared, before he was all but running out of the door and following whatever path of destruction his sister had no doubt left behind.
“Good, now everyone else get the fuck out – I need to have a little chat with Sirius and none of you are welcome to hear it.” Marlene spoke with a wide smile as she clapped her hands and looked at the remaining Gryffindor member, their eyes wide as they stared back at her.
Sirius moved to stand, only to be pushed back down by her hand as one of the members began to speak. “You can’t tell us -”
“As James’ second in command, I can and I am.” Marlene cut him off, her nails probably digging into his shoulder, as he flinched below her hand but did nothing to move away from her, which he could have but then she would have been within her right to hex him.
“I thought Sirius was his -”
“Well Sirius is on a little time out right now, and someone has to clean up his mess – so get lost.” Marlene spoke again, rolling her eyes as the team slowly made their way out, the door shutting behind them. “Thank you.” She sighed, before waving her wand to cast a silent muffliato at the door in case anyone got the idea of trying to listen in.
“Anyone ever tell you you’re rude?” Sirius asked as she moved away, she thought for a second that he might get up and leave her here, but instead he just leaned back and looked at her with a frown.
“Yes, lucky for them I don’t really care what people have to say about my attitude.” Marlene spoke sweetly as she done opposite him, stretching out her legs onto the long bench beside her and giving him a grin. “Though I am concerned about yours.” She added as he frowned at her.
“Not sure why.”
“Let’s cut to the chase, because I have other things I would rather be doing, other Black’s I would rather be spending time with, but I’m here to give you a little dose of reality since everyone else is willing to ignore your behaviour.” There was a harshness in her voice that she didn’t actually mean to put there but it was hard when facing him like this, it was hard when no one else seemed to be able to tell him.
Marlene had known Hermione since they were eleven going on twelve. There had never been a moment, not really, where they weren’t friends. Sure, they argued and they had that thing a couple of years ago because of Marlene’s family, but they had always been there for each other, even in the past years when things started changing and serious boyfriends started taking priority.
Hermione was her best friend. And Hermione was not someone who ran away and cried over a comment, or would ever be this hurt over a boy, unless said boy was Sirius Black who seemed to have some power that no one else did.
Hermione was hurting because of him, and it was Marlene’s job to figure out how to fix it, like Hermione would do for her. Like Sirius had done for her all those months ago.
He sighed, mouth pursing for a second and fingers twisting around each other before he finally spoke. “I’m not the one hiding things.”
“Why is it so important for you to know?”
“What kind of question is that?” Sirius asked incredulously, grey eyes narrowing at her and hands moving to clasp the edge of the bench he sat on.
“One I would like the answer to.” Marlene spoke as though it was obvious before she shrugged her shoulders and levelled him with a glare. “What is the big deal about Hermione keeping something to herself?”
“Are you...because I’m her boyfriend, and we are supposed to trust each other – and she...she told James.” If he was annoyed before then he was pissed off now, finally standing up from the bench to pace before her.
“You mean her brother that she has a serious codependent relationship with? How shocking that she would share something with him and no one else.” Marlene cried with a gasp, placing a hand on her chest before rolling her eyes and letting it drop as he glared at her once more.
“You don’t get it.”
“How could I not understand what it’s like to have a partner not share all their secrets with you?” Marlene asked, raising a single brow as he looked at her for a second.
She could see the wheels turning in his head, see the concern and worry written all over his face before it become blank and he was back to pacing around like a child having a tantrum, even more so as he pouted at her. “That’s different.”
“Or exactly the same.” Marlene spoke as she shrugged her shoulders. “Regulus keeps things to himself because it’s safer for the both of us, and less likely for things to get out that could mean shit for us.” She tried to keep her voice light, but her stomach turned in worry. They both knew there was to it than that but she didn’t want to know.
She didn’t want to know what Regulus did when he was called out during the night, when the papers turned up in the morning and he could barely touch him food, when he seemed to crave comfort and touch afterwards. Because she already knew, or some part of her did, and she couldn’t blame him because blaming him would mean she had to blame other people too.
Regulus did this because he thought he had to, because they all knew Sirius wouldn’t be able to and that he would have ended up dead, controlled or locked away. It didn’t make it any easier to know Regulus did this for his brother, and she knew if she asked then he would tell, but she never did and she never would.
Blissful ignorance.
“I get that, not happy about it, but I don’t think that applies to Hermione and my situation.” Sirius spoke, shoulder sagging as he sat down again.
“Maybe it does or maybe it doesn’t.” And somehow Marlene thought that it might. “Either way, you seem to forget that just because you are her boyfriend, it doesn’t mean you are entitled to things nor does it mean you accuse her of being with someone else.” She added as Sirius cringed, sucking in a harsh breath.
“What else was I -”
“You’re supposed to think that it’s Hermione, the girl who has been through far more than any of us could imagine, who sees loyalty and love above all else, and who spent the past two years hoping that you would stop messing around and be with her.” Marlene spoke as though it was obvious, putting her legs back on the floor and leaning forward. “She chose you, despite everything you did, she wanted you and she waited for you.”
“It wasn’t like she was single all that time.” Sirius mumbled, a poor excuse that fell flat before the both of them and made Marlene feel slightly annoyed.
“So she found someone to keep her entertained for a few months, and maybe she liked him, but it’s nothing like what she feels for you and you know that.” She pointed out, because as lovely and handsome as Zach was, and no matter how much Hermione cared for, it would never be the same as the boy sat before her.
“Then why won’t she tell me or trust me…”
“Because trust is earned and not given, and I’m not saying she doesn’t trust you, but maybe that there are doubts there and those doubts fall to your own past behaviour.” It seemed cruel to point out and judging by the cold look she was given, he thought so too.
“Past behaviour I thought I had made up for.” He snapped as she shrugged, softening once again as he spoke. “I get it, alright, I was dick and I shouldn’t have said half of the stuff I did, but feeling like I’ve been left in the dark fucking hurts.”
A sigh left her mouth as she sat back down, and a wave of sympathy filled her. Throughout their Hogwarts career, Marlene and Sirius had all but been labelled the same person, or similar enough, promiscuous and reckless, beautiful and maybe a bit rude, but they weren’t the same person. And Marlene couldn’t imagine being this hurt over this.
Yet, he was her friend and as much as she had taken Hermione’s side, that didn’t mean she wanted to see Sirius hurt either, so instead she softened her voice and offered him a small smile. “Yeah it does, but sometimes we have to decide what is more important to us, a secret that probably doesn’t change anything or maybe losing the person who we care about.”
“How does it not change anything?” Sirius asked with a frown.
“Because despite everything, and despite what might happen, her feelings have never changed, and even though you are sat here moping, we both knew your feelings haven’t changed either.” Marlene pointed out as Sirius looked away, cheeks slightly red and foot tapping on the ground.
“I just wish she would trust me like she does James.” Sirius had real jealously issues if that was the main reason why he was hurt, and sat here speaking to her instead of explaining that to Hermione.
“You can’t compare your relationship to the one she has with her brother, her family.” Marlene spoke even softer still as she stood up. “Because no matter how much it hurts, they are her everything – she could live without us, it would hurt, but she could do it, but if I’m honest, I don’t think she could live without James.” Marlene added even as it hurt her to admit.
It hurt Sirius, she could see that too as he flinched, his mouth opening and closing like he couldn’t quite find the right words to go against her statement, to find a problem with what she had said that wouldn’t feel like a problem in the grand scheme of things.
Yet, there was nothing he could say because they both knew she was right, as tough as it was to swallow.
She moved forward to sit beside him, a bit of space between them as she carried on speaking. “The Potter’s were and are her second chance at a family, unconditional love and safety and James is the embodiment of that for her, and her for him.”
“There has to be more to life than your brother though.” Sirius spoke, and maybe once it would have been a joke he would have said with rolling eyes and a waving hand at the Potter’s themselves.
“Maybe for normal people, or people like us who relationships with family are a bit tainted, but the Potter’s have never been normal.” Marlene spoke with a small laugh, trying not to think of her own brothers and the last time they had spoke. “We don’t get to judge them for what we don’t understand, nor why they might be the first and only people to tell their secrets to.”
It was a lot to think about, she was sure. Even more so for someone like Sirius, which is why she stood back up and gave him one last smile before leaving him with his thoughts. Whatever would happen now was up to him, she had said her part.
…
Marlene had once hated coming to the Astronomy Tower, when her eyes had to be glued to a telescope for hours on end and she was forced to fill in meaningless charts as homework. It had been boring and cold, and the whole time she had longed for her bed.
She had once thought that stars didn’t tell stories, but that was before they were whispered into her ear as arms wrapped around her waist.
When Regulus was just the name of Sirius’ good looking little brother, and not the brightest star in the constellation of Leo, when she hadn’t realised he was named after one of the brightest stars in all the night sky. She had laughed when she had learnt that her little snake was really a lion.
But he had a way of telling the stories that made her want to listen, made her eyes follow the patterns he made in the sky, made her remember every detail and gave her a new love of the nights sky.
“Merlin, it’s cold up here – have you been waiting long?” His voice rang behind her as she leaned on the railing, looking over her shoulder to give him a teasing smile.
“Long enough to debate whether I should hang some red and gold streamers, maybe prepare a song about how Gryffindor is the best – I did have the chorus down but I decided to be more humble in face of my victory.” She teased softly as he chuckled and moved to give her a quick kiss.
“So humble.” He muttered before leaning down to give her another kiss. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.” She whispered back, feeling like her cheeks were on fire even as she let her smile drop and her arms dig into his cloak. “I was worried you wouldn’t be able to come – everything ok?”
He looked at her, a sigh leaving his mouth as he gripped her hands. Each day he looked less like his brother, lanky and bright eyed, his hair smoother and carefully styled and his smile more restrained, but there was the same hesitance in his eyes, same wary tone as he spoke. “Nothing too different for usual, just...Slytherin’s and duties.”
“Yeah.” Marlene muttered, giving him a smile as she turned back around to look at the railing, feeling his arms slid around the tops of her arms, adding a warmth she hadn’t even realised she had needed.
“But we don’t have to speak about that now.” He whispered into her hair, placing a kiss to the back of her head. She could almost feel him grinning as he spoke again. “You did well today, granted it was only a win by fifty points but you did good.”
“I was spectacular and you know it.” Marlene spoke back with a scoff, leaning her head back to look at him.
“And I see we are throwing our humbleness over the railing.”
“Eh...I won’t miss it.”
“How are your N.E.W.Ts going?” He asked after a second, moving his cloak so that it covered them both as he hugged her again, even tighter than before.
“I’m sure you’ll find out next year.” She spoke with an amused smile. “And at that point, I will have finished and will be able to help.” She added, but there was a worry in her stomach, one that came with thinking about the next year when Hogwarts was finished and real life began.
“When you aren’t busy being an Auror or enjoying your freedom.” He teased her back but she could hear the worry in his own voice, feel the way he held her even tighter.
“I doubt there will be much.” It was more for herself than him, and another reminder of where they stood, even if it wasn’t what they really wanted. An Auror and a Deatheater. What a perfect pair. “We haven’t really spoke about what’s going to happen next year.” She whispered, teeth biting into her bottom lip.
“I didn’t think there was anything to talk about.” He spoke, shrugging his shoulders. “Whether you’re here or out there, we’ll find ways to meet up and spend time together, it won’t be that different.” So hopeful and positive.
“Except I won’t even see you around during the day or be able to meet you here most nights.” It hurt to think about. There would be no more meeting on the Astronomy Tower, no waiting around and hoping for secret ‘meetings’ in an empty classroom or closet. She would be at home and he would be here.
“Well there is a way around that.” He muttered into her ear, breath tickling her throat in a way that almost made her throw their discussion to the wind so they could do something else.
Though, this was a serious discussion, and one they probably needed to have in a better environment and closer to the time, so they could figure out what they might do or where they might be going. She could wait for him to finish, she would wait for him but they needed to be understanding about it and a whole year apart was going to be hard.
“You’re not leaving before your final year.” Marlene muttered back, turning her head to the side as he smiled at her, lips curving against her skin and dark hair tickling her skin.
“Then we’ll figure it out.”
“Hm.”
“I’m not letting you go Marlene, not if I can help it so stop worrying.” He spoke as she turned back to the nights sky, finding his star shining brightly in the sky, almost like a beacon. Almost brighter than his eyes.
“I wish your brother was like you.” She spoke without thinking, feelings his hands loosen slightly. She turned to face him, almost laughing at the expression on his face. Wide blue eyes and a curved brow, mouth open and a singular sound leaving his lips.
“Er…”
“He gives up so easily when he doesn’t get his way and now he’s hurting, and Hermione’s hurting, all because he thinks some big secret is being held from him and he would rather stomp his feet than try to work things out with her.” Marlene spoke, smiling as his worried look fell into one of understanding, his hand moving to brush her hair from her face.
“My brother has never been good with impulse control, and as long as I’ve known him, he doesn’t care for secrets.” He spoke even softer than before.
“I’m sure he has many.” Her cheeks felt like they were on fire as his finger trailed over her face, and honestly it was unfair. She had been with other people, had experienced good sex with them, but one look from her almost seventeen year old secret boyfriend had her blushing like some kind of fair maiden.
“I’m sure he does too, but he’s also always been a bit of a hypocrite and a bit blinded by what he thinks is right, sometimes it’s hard for him to see that what he dislikes in a person might be something he does himself.” For someone who barely spoke to his brother he seemed to have a grasp on who Sirius was without much effort.
“It’s not fair to Hermione though.” Marlene whispered back.
“Neither is her possibly keeping something from him.” He laughed slightly, pushing away the frown that had appeared and leaned down slightly. “I’m not judging her, I’m familiar with her position, but he is my brother after all.” And family had to come first for some people, no matter what the relationship was between them.
“She’s not a...not part of your ‘club’ is she?” It was a worry that she had had before.
Not that she thought Hermione was eager to join a fucking murder cult, but that perhaps like Regulus, she might have thought it’s better to be in with the enemy than wondering what they are doing. It wasn’t something she could put past best friend, to destroy from the inside.
It was still a worry though. One that mixed with her other worries.
“Merlin, no.” Regulus snorted, leaning back slightly so he could look at her face. “You don’t think he and Octans would be announcing for everyone to hear if they had Hermione? You don’t think I would have told you?” He asked, and to anyone else it might have sounded as though he was hurt, but he was simply pointing something out.
“Well I…”
“I might not tell you much about my ‘club’, but that’s something I would tell you.” He added, smiling slightly in a way that made him look more innocent. “She’s your best friend, and your family – my family too, if she willingly walked into...into that then I would let you all know.” Marlene nodded, pulling him down for a kiss.
“Thank you.” She muttered, but her whole body felt unsettled.
Because he might not tell her much but he would always tell her the important things – he would always make sure things like that, and she had...she didn’t...
“Anything else on your mind that you want to share?” He spoke, softer than before with a frown as he moved more hair away from her face.
Marlene opened her mouth, the words on the tip of her tongue and a slight prickingly in her eyes. She could tell him, get it all out in the open, watch as he understood her and told her nothing changed, but it would because after something like that – how could something not change?
She wasn’t blind to the rumours that swirled around her, the looks her friends sent her when someone mentioned something. It wasn’t like she denied them either, because deny them felt wrong but admitting to them didn’t feel right either. People weren’t all that accepting of a difference, even if she went with social norms, and she had seen how people in her world treat Muggleborns and Squibs, had heard how the Muggle world treated people too.
A sigh left her mouth as she shook her head and leaned into him. “No.” She answered, he gave her one last look, bright blue eyes knowing before he smiled at her and placed a kiss on her head.
“Ok then.” He spoke after a second, resting his chin on her shoulder and gripping her tighter, like he could sense she needed it. “Love you.” He mumbled, her heart swelling and a grin taking over her face.
But it fell in a second as she backed away, a strange sense of shame seeming to flood through her as she refused to meet his eyes, watching instead his hands as they moved to grip her shoulders, her name falling from his lips. “I like women.”
...
REGULUS
Once upon a time, Regulus had been like his parents. He had hated, loathed and thought himself better – he had turned his nose up at his brother and his antics, he had glared at those who dared to disagree that Purebloods were not the superior species.
Once upon a time, Regulus had dreamed of joining Voldemort and making his parents proud. He had watched Sirius drift further away and longed for the day he would be able to step in. Once upon a time he had laid eyes on a group of friends, had spoke to their ‘leader’, had realised that maybe his life was a lie and mistake.
Once upon a time he laid eyes on a girl with golden skin and hair, icy blue eyes and a smile that made any sane man want to fall to his knees. He had watched her, spoke to her and somewhere along the line he had fallen in love with what he saw, no matter how much he tried to deny it..
He had realised his mistakes but it had been too late, because he had been raised for this and Sirius hadn’t. And his brother gave so much, took every beating and insult, and stayed who he was and was proud of who he was. Regulus wasn’t proud of the choices he had made, but he could be proud that he had saved his brother from a cruel fate.
That for once in his life he did the right thing.
For Sirius, for himself...and for her. Because she deserved better than a boyfriend in the Dark Lord’s pocket, trying to play both sides and worrying when he was going to get caught. She deserved so much better than him but she wanted him.
And she deserved better then the strangled “What?” he gave her.
Icy eyes seemed so much lighter when they were filled with tears and her mouth opened as though she wanted to take it back, but she couldn’t because they had both heard what she had said, so instead she said it again. “I like women...and men.”
Two years ago there would have been a vicious comment on his tongue, sharp enough to mentally cut the person down, to make them feel worthless and inhumane, but that had been before Marlene, before he feel in love with the beautiful woman before him. A woman so scared that she look a second away from bolting.
“I -”
“I can’t believe...I need to go.”
“No.” He spoke, slightly harsher than he meant to, stepping in her way and holding her by her arms. “No, please don’t go – I didn’t – you shocked me, that’s all...don’t go.” He voice wavered slightly, his stomach clenching as she looked back at him, tears finally falling from her eyes. He wouldn’t loose her, not because of this and not after everything.
“I – I...I’m sorry.” She whimpered out, so hurt and torn that it made him want to go after everyone who might have made her feel like this.
“Sorry? What do you have to be sorry about?” He asked, shock flooding through his veins as her eyes welled up again and her whole body seemed to shake. How a simple secret had reduced to such a mess.
“Because it’s wrong.” She whispered it as thought there were people around to hear and judge, to make her want to shrink into herself. “Because there is something wrong with me.” She added, tapping a hand to her chest.
“Who said that?” Regulus asked, an anger building up inside him that he managed to push down as he moved forward to grip her face. “There is nothing wrong with you, there wasn’t ten minutes ago, there isn’t now and there won’t be in ten minutes.” And there never would be in his eyes.
He had once told Hermione that he didn’t know if this relationship would last, because he was sixteen and young, and it was possible that it was a first love, but right now he couldn’t imagine his life without her in it. Beautiful and like a golden light, like one of those Muggle angels they were once so fond of painting.
It was still possible that the war would tear them apart, but it wouldn’t ever take away these moments nor would it ever make him hate her. And during his nights he would imagine a world where the war was over and he was free.
A world where he could hold her in front of everyone. Where they would have a house with a balcony or terrace, or somewhere to look up at the stars and be reminded of their youth. With possible kids and a happy life – a life filled with eternal love from the beautiful woman before him.
“You don’t know -”
“I love you, I don’t need to know anything more than that.” He whispered as he moved in closer, running his thumbs over her cheeks and catching her tears. “It doesn’t make a difference to me who you find attractive, as long as...as you still love me.” Probably not the right thing to say, to make it about himself but the worry was eating him alive.
“Of course I do.” Marlene spoke as though it was stupid to suggest but it eased his whole body and make a small smile appear on his face. “That was never out of the question.” Gone was the worry and instead replaced by an icy fury.
“I know.” He muttered, pulling her into his chest. “I appreciate you telling me this, I can’t imagine how hard this must have been, and I want you to know that it doesn’t change anything.” It didn’t, there was nothing that could ever change her in his eyes. “If it makes you feel better than I can tell -”
Marlene pulled away, frowning and waving her hands in front of his face. “No. No, I didn’t tell you so you would spill everything.” She hissed out, shaking her head. “I didn’t even tell you because of Sirius and Hermione, or secrets, but because...because you said you loved me – and I don’t want to hide from you.”
“You were never hiding from me, and I love you just as much now as I did before I knew.” Truth in every word. Truth that made his heart beat ten times faster and his brain try to work out what he did to deserve her.
“I love you too and thank you -”
“Don’t thank me for doing what any partner should do.” Regulus cut her off with a frown, shaking his head. “I’m here for you always, and you telling me something this important doesn’t change that, it doesn’t change anything.” He whispered, leaning forward to place a kiss on her forehead as she let out a small sigh.
He would be here for her as long as she needed him.
…
Wednesday the 16th of November 1977
“Potter!” His voice carried across the fairly empty hall as he swaggered forward, putting on his coldest face as he regarded the siblings that had both stopped to look at him, the same unimpressed look on their faces. “Not you – female one – I need to talk to you.” He nodded his head to her as she rolled her eyes and turned to look at James.
“Okay then, I guess I’ll be on my way.” James spoke, giving Regulus a quick cold look over before turning around and walking slowly away.
Regulus waited until he turned the corner before he nodded his head towards the side, a darkened corridor where they wouldn’t be seen unless someone walked down. Hermione rolled her eyes but followed behind him regardless.
“What’s up?” She asked as they stopped. Regulus took her in for a second, the dark circles under her eyes, the clutching of books to her chest, the polished way she was dressed and the darkness that clouded her eyes.
He wondered what she saw when she looked at him – perhaps something similar. He was aware that he was thinner than he shoulder be, aware that he sometimes looked haunted by what he had seen, but he didn’t have the same ‘one word world and I’ll burn the world’ energy that she seemed to possess in her very being.
A single eyebrow raised, reminding him that she was waiting for him to speak. He coughed slightly, clasping his hands behind his back and trying to smile. “My brother – he’s a bit of a dick, but he does care about you so don’t give up on him yet.” Whatever she had expected, it wasn’t that.
“No offence or anything but are you sure you should be seen speaking to me?” She asked instead of saying something to do with Sirius, lips pursed and hands gripping her books tightly.
“You know what I’ve been tasked to do, worst comes to worst, they’ll think I’m just trying to get you on our side.” Regulus spoke, shrugging his shoulders and keeping his distance and carefully crafted cold facade, it would only help them if one of his ‘friends’ come along.
“Right, but really you’re here to talk to me about Sirius?” She asked, slight humour in her tone.
“Like I said, he’s a dick -”
“But don’t give up on him.” She finished for him with a frown, leaning against the wall and relaxing slightly as she tilted her head to the side. “Do you even know what we are fighting about?” She asked after a second, a knowing look in her eyes.
“Yeah, Marlene -”
“I swear the pair of you gossip like old ladies.”
“Not usually, normally we are busy doing – erm…”
“And we don’t need to get into that.” She laughed out, shaking her head as he blushed. He was sure Marlene had already spilled enough about that, but it wasn’t something he really asked her about nor wanted to get into with the girl before him.
“She’s worried about you, about both of you, and I kind of am too.” He said instead, shrugging his shoulder when she looked at him in disbelief. “Whatever is going on, maybe it’s better that -”
Hermione scoffed, walking forward until she stood a few feet away from him with dark eyes and words already falling from her lips. “Listen, I get it, he’s your brother and you want to look out for him, as strange as it might seem, but you don’t know the half of it.”
She didn’t like people knowing her business, didn’t want people assuming shit and that he could understand, and maybe she didn’t mean to come across as slightly threatening, a tactic that would have worked if he hadn’t spent as much time as he did in the presence of narcissistic idiots and megalomaniacs who murdered people for fun.
Regulus softened slightly as he took a step back, offering her a wry smile. “And neither does he.”
“Reg -”
“I’m not saying he has to know all of what you are hiding but maybe give him a bit, and then when you are ready tell him everything.” But some people took a mile when given an inch, and they both knew Sirius would never be fully happy until he knew everything, yet sometimes you had to take that risk.
“How do you even know there is anything to tell?” Hermione asked instead, moving her hands so her books rested in the crook of her elbows.
He looked at them for a second, covered in runes with a title that he couldn’t read and seemed far more advanced than what they taught at school, but wasn’t surprising in her arms. It seemed so Hermione for her to be so advanced that he wouldn’t put it past her if somehow she was fluent in many old languages, written and spoke.
“I spend my days walking a fine line, the only way to do that is keep certain things to myself – for the sake of everyone.” He spoke after a second with a small smile as she frowned at him.
There was something at play, a worry or a thought that was bright in her eyes. Whatever she was considering was enough to keep him routed to the spot, waiting patiently until she finally said whatever it was that she wanted to say.
It wasn’t the same as it had been with Marlene, and he doubted that Hermione was about to reveal her sexuality, not that he would mind, but he didn’t see this conversation going that way.
Their eyes contact broke for a second and the thought was gone as she offered him a tense smile. “I’ll think about it, ok?” She offered instead, shuffling her feet like she was debating leaving before she grimace and spoke again. “And...thank you.”
“For what?” He asked, simply because he didn’t think she was thanking him for intruding in what he was sure she thought was a personal matter between herself and her brother, and possibly their little group.
“I’m guessing somehow managing to avoid possibly capture, or whatever else was planned during the summer, didn’t have anything to do with luck.” Hermione spoke and Regulus winced. Sometimes he was shocked by how intelligent and observant she really was, and other times he was shocked that he had forgotten.
“Partially.” He spoke through clenched teeth, looking away from her.
To his surprise, she let out a small laugh. “Idiot.” She huffed out as he turned to look at her with a frown. “I don’t need you to put yourself in danger for me.” She added, shaking her head and rolling her eyes.
He didn’t doubt that she could take on a few Deatheaters without breaking a sweat, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to help her avoid that kind of danger for as long as he could. “I didn’t do anything but a bit of misleading – and if it makes you feel better, it only ended up with a Muggle car being thrown at my face.” A laugh let his mouth as her jaw dropped.
“You were one of those after Sirius and James?” He cringed slightly but nodded his head.
“I was also the one who managed to avoid the most facial damage, Snape was not as lucky – I imagine Sirius would be quite happy to know that.” He mumbled out, knowing she heard as she let out another laugh.
“And I got Bellatrix instead – seems unfair.” It was and he had regretted it the moment it had happened but there wasn’t much he could do. Once a trail was caught and orders were given it was hard to deny them.
“I had to give them something, I didn’t think he would send her though – guess we should be glad it wasn’t...well…”
“Octans?” She didn’t bat an eye as she said it but instead rolled them, regarding him with an annoyed expression as she spoke again. “You can say his name.”
“Yeah.” He muttered, feeling slightly pathetic. Of course, being worried about saying his name would only annoy her because Hermione wasn’t someone who would let something as stupid as her biological fathers name be an issue.
“Well thank you, again.” She spoke softer this time, tilting her head to the side as her grin grew larger and slightly sinister. “But if I think you are putting yourself at risk then it won’t be Voldemort you have to worry about.”
“Noted.”
“Good.” A tone of finality settled between them as he bowed his head and turned to leave only to be stopped by her voice. “And Regulus?” He turned, looking at her once more. “Whatever your next task, whatever he asks you to do – just...just tell me.” Was she really asking that?
“Erm...Hermione...I can’t just…” That thought was there again, on the tip of her tongue this time. Something she knew that no one else seemed to but she was worried about saying and he couldn’t imagine why, or maybe he could because secrets could make or break a person. And he had plenty.
And the look in Hermione’s eyes was fierce, as if whatever she was hiding was not going to be the thing that broke her. “It’s not for me.” She spoke, before a sad smile took over her face. “Let’s just say I have this gut feeling that whatever comes next isn’t going to be as easy to avoid.”
“This one hasn’t been as easy as you think.” He responded, with his own smile but she simply blinked at him and nodded her head. “What is it you think you can do...about the next one?” He felt nervous, as her smile lifted slightly.
“Make sure you come out the other side.” She spoke, a glassy look taking over her face like one of those seers, except instead of rolling his eyes, he felt as though there was a chill running down his spine. “Now if you don’t mind...I’m going to…”
“Of course.” He croaked out despite the many questions in his head.
“Stay safe, Reggie.”
…
The Slytherin common room had never been comfortable, not for Regulus. It was too much like home, darkly lit with tapestries and snakes seemingly carved onto every surface, judgemental people in every corner hissing their bigotry.
Sad that he used to be like them at one point and now he could only see how cruel it really was, how much he might have changed in so little time. They would never see that though, because he would never allow them to see the choices he was making, the people he was trying to protect.
So when they turned and looked at him as he walked forward, tipping their heads and offering him a seat, he smiled coldly and took it. He leaned back on the sofa, one arm resting on the arm and his other resting on his lap – a perfect picture of his father and every other lordling that thought themselves special, the opposite of the prim and proper ladies.
“Where have been, Black?” Some lower level who hadn’t even been initiated and therefore wasn’t worth remembering, but clearly though he was important enough to join them.
“I wasn’t aware I had to report to you.”
“You don’t – I didn’t mean -”
“You should know better than to ask questions, unless you want to be reminded of what happens to those who think they are above social standing.” Regulus scoffed as he stood up, dusting off his robes even though there was nothing there before he turned back to the nervous faces. “I think we are done with this conversation.” He spoke with a sneer, stalking away.
Sometimes it paid to be the heir of a noble family, to have the worry of the Dark Lord with him, even if it made him sick. It left him with the ability to walk away without question, to hold his head high and forget these people even existed without feeling too guilty about it.
Yet, it was all an act. For once he wished he could sit in the common room without some lofty glare on his face that made people feel worthless. That he could smile and speak of his beautiful girlfriend, and the little joys he found in life, and that people would react how they were supposed to.
He had made his choices though and he would deal with them, a life without a few regrets was not a life at all.
His dorm came into sight, the door creaking as he pushed it open and stepped inside, blinking at the person he found stood there, as though he had been waiting.
“Do you just invite yourself into peoples bedrooms now?” Regulus spoke as he shut the door behind him, raising his brows as he cast a wandless charm at it with a lazy flick of his wrist, greasy curtains of hair blocking his face and the usual sneer on his lips.
“Your roommates let me in.” Snape spoke, lips curving into a cold smile as Regulus snorted in amusement.
“How nice of them, can’t wait for people to get the wrong idea.”
“Insolence, I am not here for that.” Snape snapped, his eyes wide and his face paler than usual. How some people couldn’t take a joke was beyond him? But then again what did he expect from someone who spent their days trying to be as dark as they could?
“Thank Merlin, no offence or anything but I’m not interested in that.” Regulus spoke again, rolling his eyes as he moved to his bed, busying his hands with the mess that had collected on his trunk.
A bunch of books, clothes and other things. A couple of notes that had been passed in secret with Marlene’s loopy writing on the front and a kiss mark. He hadn’t meant to have them out so openly, but he was just glad that she had charmed them for his eyes only.
Or so he thought, as Snape seemed more than capable of reading his mind, speaking in that disgusted tone that he was so fond of using. “I can imagine McKinnon has something to do with that.”
Panic filled him, but years worth of pushing it away made his body stay relaxed as he looked at the sneering Snape over his shoulder, raising a single eyebrow and giving a smirk. “Not sure what you are talking about, unless you are referring to the fact that I prefer beautiful women to sulking men.”
Snape sneered again and Regulus rolled his eyes. Though she may stand on the opposite side, there wasn’t a straight man alive that didn’t find Marlene unattractive – she was tall, slender and golden, and Regulus had heard enough from men to know that many had thought about her in ways that set his nerves on fire and made him itch for his wand.
Then again, Snape had never looked at a woman unless it was Evans, who was cute with her emerald eyes and auburn hair, but held nothing against his Marlene.
“Do you think your little Astronomy meetings have gone unnoticed?” Snape asked, clasping his hands behind his back and tilting his head. Regulus looked back at his things, avoiding those eyes that seemed to see every memory.
“People are allowed to be up there, and I like to think myself a polite man who is capable of sharing space and holding conversation.” There was no point lying, but he could play the defensive. “Have you been following me?”
“Someone has to keep an eye on you.” Snape spoke as though it was natural. “To make sure you are doing your part or at least attempting to do the task you have been ordered to do.” The words were hissed through his thin lips like venom.
“I have been doing my part.” Regulus mumbled back, not eager to bite.
“Kissing and confessing your love after McKinnon tells you she’s even more of a freak than -”
“Watch your mouth!” Regulus snapped, turning back around and storming towards the man. He had a couple of inches on Snape, but there was no one that was as talented with a wand than the bat like man before him. One flick and Regulus would go down, he had seen it enough to know it to be true.
But he would not have Marlene be taunted or threatened by a man he might have once considered a friend. He would not have her secret be turned into something disgusting and cruel, not by anyone. And he dreaded thinking of how he might have to tell her what Snape said.
“You truly are gone.” Snape spoke, pushing him back and pointing a pale finger in his face. “I warned you once what happened to people who left – that this sense of loyalty you have to them was going to get you killed.” Snape never showed emotion, but there was something in his eyes that almost looked like worry.
“Is this what you came to warn me about?” Regulus asked with a small laugh, even as panic filled every single vein in his body. “Did you come to taunt me before you ran to tell him?” He added, sneering himself and hating the fear he had.
“Perhaps, or maybe I thought I would come to remind you of who we really are, what we believe in -”
“What you believe in!” He shouted, because there was no point hiding it any more, not when Snape already seemed to know everything he was thinking. “I made choices, I understand that, but I didn’t do this because I was eager to join someone who took pleasure from murdering people who don’t deserve -”
Snape hissed, cutting him off, and pushing his chest slightly. “They are beneath us, nothing but creatures who need to be reminded -”
“They are people!” Regulus yelled. “People who have no idea of who we are or what they have even done – and I did this because I knew it would save those that I care about. I choose to put them first, safe to say you didn’t do the same.” The words ripped from his throat, echoing around the room and he hoped no one else was able to listen.
“How dare you!” Snape screeched, looking and sounded more like a bat, his wand in his hand, but Regulus wouldn’t be scared, couldn’t be scared.
“I see you, you know, watching Lily – even after everything that happened between you, you watch her because you love her and yet you willingly joined someone who would see her dead!” Snape flinched, his wand dropping slightly but he didn’t deny it.
It was known throughout the whole school, everyone had seen it, Snape had been taunted for it – even after they parted ways. Lily would forever be the thing that haunted him, that made people question his loyalty, while Regulus remained trustful even if he wasn’t.
“I can keep her safe, I could ask him to put her aside -”
“And yet you would want to punish me for wanting the same thing for my family, for the girl you love – for the girl I love.” His voice dropped, and something like understanding flashed in those dark eyes, his wand dropping even more.
“The Dark Lord is not seeking Lily, or even your precious McKinnon, he is seeking Potter.” A weak excuse, but still sneered out and throw out there as though it meant nothing. Snape didn’t care about signing someone else’s life away because it was what their ruler wanted.
Regulus would have been in the same position once, he would have done what he was tasked without second thought. But times had a changed and imagining Hermione trapped for her power, wealth or whatever else they wanted made his stomach clench.
Hermione was many things, but clearly she was willing to look out for him, and he was willing to do it for her too. So he whispered back, almost pleading for Snape to understand. “And what kind of life is he going to give her if he gets her or she says no? How will it feel if I have to kill my own brother to get her?
“So you remain her spy.” Snape spoke instead, rolling his eyes but there was a flicker of doubt.
“No.” Regulus whispered, shaking his head. “I remain loyal to those who deserve it – who deserve to live their lives without fear.” He added, straightening his back and glaring at the man before him. “Clearly you can not say the same.”
“I can not.”
“Now leave, go and tell him if that’s what you want – sign my death sentence but know it will not change everything, and one day you’ll regret it when your precious Evans is one of the ones laid dead at his hands.” He spoke, throwing the words back into Snape’s face and watching with some sick fascination as he face twisted in pain.
“I won’t tell him.” All it took was a reminder of Lily and suddenly he was backing down. “I will keep your secret, but just know, that when he finds out – because he will, I will not be there to hold your hand or allow you to drag me down with you.” Regulus would never do such a thing regardless, his choice were his own and no one else.
He nodded his head, watching as Snape moved back to the door, an agreement between them that didn’t seem to make anything easier, but had eased the panic enough for him to breath normally again. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
“You’re stupid, Regulus.” Snape spoke as his hand gripped the door handle, stopping before he turned it and walked out of the room. “And you will get yourself killed.” Black eyes gazed at him, almost bringing forth every memory he had of the past few months.
“Maybe, but at least it will be worth it.” Golden hair and skin, icy eyes and a grin that made him weak. A barking laugh and a careless attitude. Voluminous curls and a fierceness that couldn’t be rivalled. A group of friends who fought for each other and loved each other with all their hearts, and the tiny space they seemed to have made for him.
Whatever death awaited him wouldn’t make a difference to the changes they had brought to his life, the happiness he felt. Nor would the worried expression on his friends face.