Coward
Hermione hadn't been to Number 12 Grimmauld Place since nearly a year ago when she and James rescued Sirius, but it didn't take a her second to realise that's where she was the moment she opened her eyes and took in the surroundings, but she could honestly say that she spent much time down in the kitchen, even in her younger years.
Yet, even she could see that the usually dark and dingy surroundings, were darker, dingier and older than she had last seen them - a thick coating of dust seemingly on every surface. The townhouse ruined to time, it seemed, though she couldn't say if it actually made that much of a difference to the house as a whole - she was tempted to look around and see, but something had her rooted to the spot.
Emerald eyes so fierce that it almost took her breath away, his mothers name on the tip of her tongue - because there was no James in that gaze, it was far too cold to have anything to do with her brother. Another set of green eyes looked back, ones she saw everyday for the past nearly seven years, but they were older and more haggard, and still so young in the scarred and rapidly aging face.
It wasn't her Remus, this was another man, one who had given himself over to time and his curse, and he was speaking, voice older and raspier - almost begging Harry for something, though Hermione wasn't sure what.
“...be perfectly safe there, they’ll look after her.” He spoke, moving closer to the younger man as Hermione watched them both with a frown. “Harry, I’m sure James would have wanted me to stick with you.” It was almost manipulative, the way he spoke - bringing James into the conversation like it would make Harry bend to whatever it is that he wanted.
“Well,” Harry spoke slowly. “I’m not. I’m pretty sure my father would have wanted to know why you aren’t sticking with your own kid, actually.”
Hermione sucked in a breath. This was wrong, this was all wrong - and she knew why she was seeing it, remembering it, but the whole situation felt wrong. Remus running away from his responsibilities, reaching out for Harry in a way that would have had James both shocked and possibly touched, because the truth was that if James wasn't there and Sirius wasn't either, then he would have wanted Remus to look after Harry.
But there was a baby on the line, born or not, and James would have wanted Remus to stick with his own before Harry, because James understood the importance of family more than anyone else did.
Remus' face drained of colour as he tried to speak the words almost catching in his throat. “You don’t understand.” No one ever seemed to understand where Remus was concerned.
“Explain, then.” said Harry.
Remus swallowed and looked around. “I —I made a grave mistake in marrying Tksno -” Whoever he married, which would have excited her normally, was a name that came fumbled, distorted throughout the room. “ - I did it against my better judgment and I have regretted it very much ever since.”
“I see,” said Harry, annoyed and looking so much like James that it made her want to reach out but she kept her mouth shut, staying focused on what was happening so she didn’t lose this moment. “So you’re just going to dump her and the kid and run off with us?”
Hermione almost jumped backwards, a million questions on her lips as Remus sprang up from his chair, the whole thing falling backwards, and his eyes shining golden in the dim light.
She wondered if Harry was afraid, wondered where she was, wondered what the fuck was happening that they were even here, and why Remus was searching for some answers in a boy who barely looked seventeen. Why wasn’t Sirius knocking some sense into his or herself? Were they already past the point of her last dream, had everyone fucking gone. It was almost too much.
“Don’t you understand what I’ve done to my wife and my unborn child? I should never have married her, I’ve made her an outcast!” Remus shouted as he kicked aside his chair, looking almost like his petulant 17 year old self. A grown werewolf having a tantrum while the child watched. “You have only ever seen me amongst the Order, or under Dumbledore’s protection at Hogwarts! You don’t know how most of the Wizarding world sees creatures like me! When they know of my affliction, they can barely talk to me! Don’t you see what I’ve done? Even her own family is disgusted by our marriage, what parents want their only daughter to marry a werewolf? And the child —the child —”
Hermione watched with tears in her eyes as her friend, one of her closet, seeming so alone, gripped his hair tightly, looking madder than she had ever seen him and urging her forward until she stood before him. He didn’t see her, of course he couldn’t, she was trapped in a memory inside her own mind, but she could see him.
Every line on his face, every sign of stress, every grey hair on his face and the slight redness of his eyes. A mess because of so many reasons, but the main one because of himself.
His mouth opened again and he began speaking, looking through her at Harry. “My kind don’t usually breed! It will be like me, I am convinced of it —how can I forgive myself, when I knowingly risked passing on my own condition to an innocent child? And if, by some miracle, it is not like me, then it will be better off, a hundred times so, without a father of whom it must always be ashamed!”
“Remus.” Someone spoke before she could, someone familiar that made her scar itch. “Don’t say that —how could any child be ashamed of you?”
“Oh, I don’t know, Hermione.” Her heart seemed to stop as she turned around, looking for that other version of herself. There was something there, or someone, but it was faint – too difficult to make out without her straining her eyes. “I’d be pretty ashamed of him.”
Her head snapped back around to look at the boy, a frown forming on her face. She understood his anger, but didn’t he understand Remus? The concern that had plagued him for decades, the shame that stuck to him like a second skin.
“If the new regime thinks Muggleborns are bad,” Harry spoke with a hiss. “ - what will they do to a half-werewolf whose father’s in the Order? My father died trying to protect my mother and me, and you reckon he’d tell you to abandon your kid to go on an adventure with us?”
James...no...her eyes filled with tears, like they always did at the thought of her brother dying, because she wouldn’t let it happen – she wouldn’t let this whole thing happen. She wouldn’t let Remus turn himself inside out because he had found someone he clearly loved, that loved him, that he had done everything he had thought he never would.
Married and with a baby on the way. This should be something exciting for him.
“How —how dare you!” Remus all but shouted, face twisting in fury. “This is not about a desire for —for danger or personal glory —how dare you suggest such a —”
“I think you’re feeling a bit of a daredevil,” This wasn’t going to end well for Harry, not if he kept pushing it and Hermione all but wanted to scream at him. “You fancy stepping into Sirius’s shoes —”
There was an air of sadness around them as Sirius was brought up, and a twisting in Hermione’s stomach as her throat seemed to grow tighter and her eyes stung with unshed tears. Sirius couldn’t be gone, she wouldn’t let him go. Not now or ever.
“Harry, no!” The other Hermione spoke, seeming to mirror her thoughts but it didn’t seem like Harry had heard, instead he continued to glare at Remus’ face.
Her friend looked livid, something she had very rarely seen on his face. The last time, before all this recent drama, had been when he found out what happened with Snape and Sirius, and it was a look she never wanted to see again.
Anger didn’t suit Remus, it made him seem too dangerous, too much like the wolf hidden inside, and not like the man he truly was.
“I’d never have believed this - ” She knew what was coming but it didn’t make hearing it from Harry’s mouth any easier. “The man who taught me to fight dementors —a coward.”
She had called Remus that herself, but somehow it sounded worse coming from Harry. Remus hadn’t pulled his wand on her, maybe because she was gone soon after the words left her mouth, but he did with Harry and it was quite shocking to see.
He had always been good at DADA, but the way he reaching and pointed was something more, far too quick for Harry to even react, sending the boy flying backwards and slamming into the kitchen wall as he slid down the wall. Remus was in his element, but no doubt there would be guilt about doing what he did to a child.
Hermione wanted to follow him out of the door, to bring him back and wrap him tightly in her arms and tell him it would all be ok, but her feet remained rooted to the spot, instead watching the boy who looked like her brother.
“Remus, Remus, come back!” Her other half seemed to have no problem, even if Hermione couldn’t see her, but the door had already slammed and she could almost feel herself turning on Harry. “How could you?”
It seemed a bit unfair to point that at the boy, Hermione could see both sides, though no one else seemed to.
“It was easy.” He was shaking as he stood up, hand reaching to rub the back of his head where no doubt a lump was going to form, but other than that he didn’t seem too injured. “Don’t look at me like that!” he snapped at someone, probably the other Hermione.
“Don’t you start on her!” Someone else shouted, and for a second she thought and hoped it was Sirius, but the accent was too lower class, but it was familiar and almost made her think of the colour red…
Whoever this other person was seemed to care for the other Hermione, that much was clear – and she wished she could see him, see herself as Harry seemed to face off with something but there was nothing there and it only made her more annoyed.
“No —no —we mustn’t fight!”
“You shouldn’t have said that stuff to Lupin.” The other boy spoke and Hermione found it slightly disrespectful that they didn’t even use his given name.
But Harry seemed to be feeling something else, looking like a man far too broken by the world and seeing things that everyone else couldn’t. For some reason she could relate even more as he spoke. “He had it coming to him – Parents shouldn’t leave their kids unless – unless they’ve got to.”
It hurt because she knew what he was referring to, somewhere deep down, and from her other dreams – that her brother and possibly Lily weren’t going to make it a beautiful old age, and no doubt that effected Harry. She doubted who she was now existed in this timeline, or if she did then she might have died long ago – it was hard to know, but it seemed like Harry had grown up alone.
Without a parents love. She might have understood that once, but she had parents, ones who loved her despite their lack of blood. She had a family.
“Don’t feel sad for me.” The scene before her seemed to dissolve as the Harry she knew, the one she had seen before, appeared by her side. “I don’t want that.”
They seemed to be stood outside now, under dark and stormy clouds, thunder rumbling somewhere in the distance and a broken park not far with a thick forest to the side of them. She had no idea where this was, but it seemed pretty generic – something she could find anywhere.
Her eyes closed as fat drops of water landed on her face, mixing with the tears she let fall freely, before she opened them and looked to Harry. “Why did I need to see that?” It was sad, but it didn’t seem important in the long run, except they were on some kind of mission, hiding away in Grimmauld Place. “What were we doing?”
Harry looked back at her, green eyes bright as he offered her a small smile. “You know why, and you know I can’t answer that.”
Remus freaking out over having a baby had triggered something in her head, something that didn’t seem as dangerous but yet she was probably laid on the floor unconscious over something that seemed so small, her friends freaking out over her. At least she was outside the Hospital Wing.
But there was something else there, she could have simply seen a moment, heard a few things and understood, but there was more – there was always more and now she would have to spend days digging over something that she had only half seen.
“Does he eventually manage to fix it with his wife?” She asked softly, there was no way Harry was going to say who Remus’ wife had been, but she felt as if she knew her too. Harry gave her a look that had her rolling her eyes. “Let me guess, you can’t say.”
“It’s not important, not right now anyway.”
“Then what was the point of me even seeing that if I’m not going to get answers?” Hermione asked, snarling like a wild animal. “What is the point of all of this if it’s not going to help me in the long run?” There was more she wanted to ask but she knew she would never get any answers.
“You keep letting the wrong stuff in, keep getting swept anyway in things that aren’t important now.” Harry answered almost mirroring her frustration, but what did he have to be frustrated about, it wasn’t his mind being pulled apart by this. “You need to focus on other things if you want answers, like Voldemort.” What help was that?
Hermione moved away, running her hands through her hair, the fingers catching in the tangled mess of curls but the pain was almost welcoming compared to this. Her own brain was confusing, a mess, and there was too much she seemed to be missing, too much to learn. Too much for one person to go through.
Harry watched her, emerald eyes tracing her steps as she turned back around and pointed a finger at him. “What is it you expect me to figure out about Voldemort other than his name? That he had a good school career, that he went to work afterwards and disappeared – how is that going to help? What am I missing?” She asked, almost desperately, anything to figure this out, to be over with the lies and secrets.
“So much.” Harry whispered back, his own annoying melting away. “So much more than what Slughorn told you, but you have a start, an ability to find more.” He moved forward, placing his hands on her shoulders and shaking her gently. “You need to try harder.”
Hermione glared, throwing his hands off her shoulders and stepping back. “Don’t you think I’ve been trying that? Every time I push harder, I end up passing out and/or having nosebleeds...that to me isn’t a good sign, no matter how much I try to ignore it.”
“Hermione -”
“Whatever I am supposed to do or figure out about Voldemort will mean nothing if I end up dead before I can even do it.” Hermione shouted, the sky seeming to crack loudly above them and a flash of light far too close for comfort but she didn’t care.
Her head was killing, worse than before and her whole body felt tired, and she could imagine the repercussions she would have once she woke up would be ten times worse, they would be lucky if Dumbledore hadn’t caught wind of this, that he didn’t do something to make it that much harder, like take the memories away from her completely.
This was all too much, too much to put on someone and too much to try and take away. Harry may be a figment of her imagination but even he was piling on the pressure, like he knew she would kick and shout about it but do it in the end. Because that’s how she had always been, one to try and push through and do what she needed to do no matter how unfair it might have seemed.
Twisted and broken, unable to let go.
“I don’t want this any more, I don’t want some other persons memories trapped in my head – I just want to be me.” She cried, tears mixing with rain as Harry looked at her sadly.
“We don’t always seem to get what we want, but when this is all over you’ll be nothing more than what you are now, Hermione Potter, far too smart for her own good and far too strong to be brought down, and the other Hermione will exist as nothing more than a story in your head, one that will probably no longer exist.” If he meant comfort then it didn’t help and her tears only fell harder.
“It’s too hard.”
“It always is but there is no one else that could do this other than yourself.” He spoke softly as he moved forward to brush hair away from her face gently. “You got me out of so much trouble, and you saved me so many times – without you I wouldn’t have lasted as long as I did, none of us would, and it’s selfish to ask more, to ask you to save so many lives but I know you’ll do it because they mean so much to you.” It hurt because he was right, she would do anything to save those she loved even if it hurt her.
As selfish as it was, she would save her own before everyone else. James would risk his life for those who deserved it, and sometimes she wished she could be like him – Harry seemed the same too. An energy that told her others were worth more, but they weren’t to her – they never had been.
James, Lily, Sirius, Marlene, Remus, her parents – they all came first no matter what it took, and she had had a peak at how this might end for them, and she needed to stop it, but she couldn’t do that if she gave up.
A fresh set of tears left her eyes as she sunk to the floor, the wet grass tickling her skin as Harry knelt before her with a knowing look. “I don’t know how to save them.”
“You do, it’s in here.” He spoke, tapping the side of her head gently, finger near her scar that he stared at with sadder eyes than before. “She’s in here.” He added as he moved his hand away.
"-Madam Pomfrey!" A voice echoed in the sky above them, distant and echoing through the clouds but her heart clenched and a small smile appeared on her face.
“Sirius.” She breathed out as Harry looked up longingly, raindrop falling over his face.
“It’s time to wake up.” He spoke just as another voice, one posher than his own and one that had brought comfort to her more times than she could count spoke.
“Mi, come on – wake up…”
She nodded in agreement, eager to get out of this place, but as she looked at Harry, she couldn’t help but wonder when she might see him again and how much it pained her to have to leave him behind. He smiled in understanding, reaching out to take her hands. “I can’t give you much, but I can give you something.”
“What?”
“There were seven pieces, but now there are only five – find them and destroy them.” It made no sense and she opened her mouth to question him but the ground seemed to have opened up and she was falling through it.
She wondered briefly if this is what Alice had felt like falling through the rabbit hole, though the thought disappeared as faint laughter filled her head. It was unfamiliar seeming to become louder and yet it was fuzzy too. It made her feel sick, her eyes closing almost as if to hide the noise and then once again she was taken by the blackness.
…
A gasp let her mouth as she sat up, hand on her chest and cold sweat sticking to her skin, a faint dawn light filling the room she rested in, a quick glance letting her know it was the Hospital Wing.
An ache lingered in her head and her heart pounded in her chest, but her breathing seemed to ease as she spotted her brother, slumped in a chair, probably here out of hours, glasses slanted awkwardly against his sleeping face.
Like he could sense her, he startled awake, blinking his eyes rapidly before he spotted her and let out a sigh. “Mi – thank fuck, you’re awake.” He spoke softly before moving faster than she thought was possibly for someone that had just awoke, to wrap her in his arms.
It was far too tight and awkward, on the amount that she was tucked tightly into her covers, but she couldn’t help but let out a watery chuckle and grip him just as tight.
How strange it must have seemed, the prankster of Hogwarts giving comfort to the girl who was normally considered cold, but Hermione didn’t care – she needed this, and much too soon for her liking James was pulling away and looking at her seriously.
“What happened?” He asked softly, almost as though he thought he would scare her. “Lily said you and Remus were fighting and the next thing you were passed out and laid in here with a bloody nose.” Hermione cringed and moved her hand under her nose but nothing was there.
“The fight triggered something.”
“You remembered something?” James asked, eyes wide and hands almost reaching to grasp for before he stopped himself. “Is this to do with Remus and...erm what happened?” He added, looking around as though he had accidentally summoned their friend.
“Kind of – I don’t – let’s just say how Remus reacted today was pretty tame compared to what might happen in the future.” Hermione remarked as she leaned back into her pillows, feeling much more tired as James frowned at her in confusion. “How did that go?”
He seemed to consider her for a moment before he sighed and sat back in his own chair. “False alarm, something to do with the stress of O.W.Ls and how that can mess with a woman’s cycle.” He said it without a wince, just as a matter of fact, when other boys might find the whole situation gross, her brother hadn’t really cared all that much. “We can talk about it more tomorrow though, you need to get some rest.”
“I’m fine.” Hermione spoke, rolling her eyes. “We need to figure out more about Voldemort...or Tom, there’s something in that that might lead us somewhere.” James sighed, and nodded his head.
“Something we can talk about tomorrow – we’ve got time Mi’.”
The thing was, was that she wasn’t sure they did, not with the urgency Harry had spoken, not with what she had seen and what seemed to be hidden within the memory, there was so much that they were missing and the longer they waited, the riskier or more dangerous it could become.
Shaking her head, she looked at James. “We don’t know that – there was something the boy, Harry, in my dream said – ‘There were seven, but now there are only five and you have to destroy them’.” She whispered out the words as James frowned at her.
“Destroy – destroy what?” James asked, a good question but one she wasn’t sure she had the answers to as she shrugged her shoulders and looked away.
“Guess that’s what we have to figure out, and I bet it has something to do with Tom.” She spoke softly, looking down at her lap, fingers twisting together nervously as James sighed and guilt hit her.
It wasn’t fair that she put this on him, even if he had pushed for answers, wasn’t fair that she expected him to help, but she was selfish enough not to tell him to leave it alone and forget everything. She needed him more than she wanted to admit, and the idea of having her brother by her side was enough to help her think she might make it through all of this.
Her mouth opened to speak when someone else beat her too it. “You’re awake?” He spoke slightly breathlessly, the cloak coming off his shoulders and thrown onto James’ lap as he strolled forward and wrapped her in a hug.
The smell of tobacco, grass and something Sirius hit her full force. Another person she couldn’t do without, but couldn’t quite bring herself to tell the truth to, not now anyway.
“Hi.”
“How are you feeling?” He asked as he pulled away to sit by her legs, hands reaching out to brush the curls away from her face, much like Harry had, but this was different, sending warmth throughout her body and settling as blush in her cheeks.
“I’m alright.” She answered with a soft smile as he sighed at her. “Just stress.” She added, sending a quick look to James who nodded his head slightly.
“Stress?” Sirius asked with raised eyebrows, turning to look back at James, but his best friend was busy playing with a loose thread on his jumper. He turned, looking back at Hermione as he let out a small laugh, shaking his head. “I didn’t know you were that stressed.”
Hermione smiled tightly and shrugged her shoulders. “Exams, life and your friend possibly getting a girl pregnant can do that.” She tried to joke but Sirius seemed to having none of it.
“Right…”
“She’s alright, Sirius.” James muttered as Sirius turned to look back at him, mouth open and no doubt some reply already on the tip of his tongue but James continued. “I get it, but Mi’ has never been the sort to handle stress well and after the accident last year...well sometimes there can be consequences.”
Sirius frowned before he turned to her. “You mentioned something about that when we had our little chat.” He spoke as Hermione nodded her head.
“Glad to see you were paying attention.” She joked dryly as Sirius rolled his eyes, there was more he clearly wanted to say but his jaw remained closed and tensed, leaving Hermione to sigh and pull back the covers. “Come here.”
“I don’t think I want to see this.” James muttered but he didn’t move, simply frowned in disgust and looked away. She had a feeling he wouldn’t want to be leaving her side for a while.
Sirius looked at her before he moved, climbing in beside her and wrapping an arm around her neck. “Mi’ -”
“I’m fine, I just need to learn to control my stress a bit more.” She spoke softly as she moved, laying her head on his chest. His heart beat loudly under her ear and she could feel the movement with every breath he took.
It was calming, and no one seemed to want to say anything more or maybe there was nothing else to say, not from her and James. Sirius probably had a million questions but there were things she just wouldn’t answer, not right now – not with everything going on.
As much as she liked the boy, he was impulsive and slightly reckless, she couldn’t put it past him to say something in a moment of anger and let everything out to the wrong person. Unfair as it was, she had people to protect and things to do, but one day she vowed she would tell him.
With that she let herself fall asleep, no dreams plaguing her and nothing to wake her up but the slight scream of the Matron as she walked into their section.
“What is happening here?”
…
Friday the 29th of April 1977
Remus had been avoiding them.
As much as he declined that when they managed to catch him between classes, it was obvious when he seemed to disappear at every other time or be fast asleep by the time Sirius and James came to bed. Maybe it was easy because they had their own things going on, between Quidditch, up coming exams, shit tons of homework, and they had all had their moments where avoiding their friends seemed like a good idea.
Hermione could understand that, and she was still annoyed at him, but that didn’t mean she wanted her friend to shut off, not when she had been trying for the past days to get Belby’s potion to him, except now they were too late and the moon was in the next few days.
A sigh left her mouth as she watched him walk away, faster than normal, slipping through the crowds and leaving her staring after him.
“Still not talking to you?” Marlene appeared at her side as Hermione gave her a quick look and began walking, her friend by her side.
“No – has he spoken to you?” Hermione asked as Marlene frowned and let out a small laugh.
“No, though that’s nothing to be surprised about, if he isn’t speaking to any of you then why is he going to talk to the one he’s not as close to?” Marlene asked rhetorically, as Hermione nodded her head in agreement. They were friends, but Marlene was right and out of their little group, her and Remus spent the least amount of time together.
“Yeah but -”
“He’ll be alright, Hermione, he just needs time.” Marlene spoke as they moved around a chatting group and into the courtyard, the sun shining and spreading a warmth that seemed to pull everyone outside.
“He’s had time.” She was being petty and she knew it, a couple of weeks was not enough for everyone to pull themselves together, Merlin it took her months sometimes and even now the thought of thinking about Octans or what she was supposed to do was likely to send her into some downward spiral.
“Yeah, but while for a normal person that might be enough, for someone as self loathing as Remus it isn’t.” Marlene pointed out and Hermione couldn’t help but agree, he was probably going to be beating himself up for a while, even if nothing had come of it.
“Have you seen Mandy?”
“Around, she seems fine.”
“I can’t imagine how terrifying it was for her.” Hermione commented as they sat themselves down on one of the stone walls, dropping their bags by their feet.
“It happens, normal people tend to focus on the relief that it’s false.” Marlene spoke, but there was something in her voice and the way her icy eyes darted away that made Hermione frown and consider something.
“Has it – has it ever happened to you?” She asked nervously, it wasn’t an easy subject to bring up and not as easy with Marlene whose attitude towards kids was nothing more than a grimace and looking away.
“Erm...yeah...once, but I was just late obviously, still it messes with your head for a bit.” Marlene answered honestly, and Hermione was tempted to ask whether it was with James, or someone else, or even recently with Regulus but she wasn’t even sure her and Regulus had done anything.
“You never told us.” Hermione spoke softly, looking away.
“I never told anyone, mainly because I had like a day or two of panic and then my period came.” Marlene spoke with a shrug of her shoulders, brushing it off like it was nothing. “It happens more than you think, and people deal with it differently.”
“Right.”
“Remus will come around, we just need to let him know that we are there for him when he’s ready.” Marlene spoke, patting her shoulder and leaning back slightly on her hands, the bright light from the sun seeming to make her skin even more golden and her hair slightly lighter.
Once Marlene might have been the last person to go to about advice, she was opinionated and loud, ruthless to some in what she wanted to say, but she had grown more in the past year than Hermione had thought was possible.
Leaving her family, finding Regulus and getting back into work seemed to be good for her, as tragic as the first one was, there was an air of confidence now that seemed different from the overconfident girl Hermione had once known.
…
Tuesday the 3rd of May 1977
The moon hung brightly in the sky, full and imposing, the reality of what her friend was had gone through in the Shrieking Shack and the wolf that might be now prowling around with a stag and a dog by his side, hopefully calmer than his human self had been in the past few days.
Remus had gone from avoiding to straight up telling them to leave him alone and banning the boys from coming down to the shack, of course they had avoided that, but there was no telling how much his sour mood would effect the wolf.
And so she had placed herself on lookout, sat on the Astronomy tower, James broom leaning against the wall in case she needed to come down, legs hanging over the side and hair blowing in the wind.
Though the days might be warming slightly, the nights still held a chill, and thus she had wrapped herself up and spelled her cup of coffee to remain warm while she watched the night pass her by.
She felt exhausted, emotionally drained and it didn’t help that Belby had asked her if she had managed to get the potion to her ‘friend’, she hold him that she hadn’t, but she promised she would for the next full moon. Even if she had to shove the potion down his throat, they needed to see if they had made it right.
But for now she would stay up here and wait out the night.
“Shouldn’t you be in bed?” She knew who it was without even having to see the bright blue eyes and skinny face smiling at her. He didn’t look well, as tired as her, and it was worrying but she knew there was nothing she could do there.
“Shouldn’t you?”
“I’m a Prefect, I’m allowed to be out and about in the name of Patrol.” That made her scoff and shake her head. Patrols from students were nothing more than a reason to look the other way when their friends wanted to sneak out of the house, and none of them seemed to take their jobs seriously.
“Were you waiting for Marlene?” She asked instead, looking around like her blond friend might appear when she knew the girl was probably passed out in bed.
“Not tonight, that crazy Quidditch Captain of yours has worn her out, I don’t expect her to be back up here much until after their match.” Regulus explained as he sat down beside her with a sigh, raising his eyebrows at her cup of coffee.
“Don’t you have your own match this weekend?” She asked, making polite conversation.
“Yes but Hufflepuff are no match for us.” His eyes traced the stars and constellations, and she knew if she asked then he would be able to point out the name of each and every one – something that came with being named after them. “So why are you really up here, Potter, when from what I gather you could be cuddled up to my brother all night?”
“Are you done teasing – because I’d really like to be alone.” She spoke softly, looking down at the grounds and finding nothing.
“Sure – did he take Belby’s potion?”
“No.” Hermione answered, there was no point lying when he was the one to tell her in the first place. “We’ve been having some problems lately.” She added before she could stop herself as Regulus leaned back onto his hands.
“Who doesn’t have problems.” He spoke sarcastically, shaking his head. “Anyway, I needed to talk to you .”
“Lucky me.” Hermione remarked dryly as she sipped her drink and waited for him to speak.
“I’m being serious – don’t even try that joke – I’ve been meaning to speak to you for a while.” He spoke with a scoff, pointing a finger at her as her mouth opened to make a joke. She had been spending far too much time with his brother if that was her first instinct.
“About what?” She asked though there was a feeling of dread inside her and inkling about what he was about to say.
“You need to be careful this summer, things are going to get worse, are getting worse and you don’t want to be caught in the crossfire.” He spoke, and Hermione could have laughed, would have if he wasn’t staring at her with something that could only be concern.
“I could have figured that out.” She settled for instead, giving him a tense smile as she looked back to the ground, eyes sweeping over every area and finding nothing to be worried about. “What else has he tasked you to do?”
“What?”
“I’m not stupid Regulus, I know he tasked you to do something with me, and I’m guessing he’s probably going to amp it up during the summer.” She whispered, it seemed she would spend her time hiding away and stuck in her house again.
“How long have you known?” He asked, slightly panicked, and she wanted to tell him that she hadn’t said anything to anyone else, that he didn’t have to worry about what they might think of him, but she didn’t think that would help.
“Since you gave me that little warning last September.” She answered back, letting out a sigh as she placed down her cup and gripped the railing tightly. “But I had a feeling long before that, I figured I might be under his radar, what with my ‘father’ back with him – I imagine your brother and my brother are on that list too.” She hoped he would deny it, say that Sirius and James were nothing but that would be stupid.
Sirius had been promised long before he ran away, and his brother had filled that spot, but they all knew he didn’t possess the talent that Sirius did, the true heir to the Black legacy. And James, well he was the hair to their line of Potter family, something Hermione hadn’t tried to fight, she had her own wealth.
Voldemort would be stupid to not have an eye on them.
“Yeah, kind of, but he...erm he…”
“He won’t think twice about having them killed to get to me.” She answered instead, Regulus not seeming to be able to get the words out. “Not sure why he thinks I’m that special, but I suppose it is kind of flattering.” She joked half heartedly.
“A mix of Potter and Black blood, with an immense power – why wouldn’t you?”
“He has Octans.”
“Who was disowned of everything when he went to Azkaban, apparently your grandparents signed papers and everything off to you.” They did, but he already knew that, one look into the documents at the Ministry could tell anyone that. Granted she didn’t use any of it because her parents gave her everything she needed but it was there, collecting dust.
“Not that it matters, I’m not joining him and I won’t let anyone be killed for me.” Her tone was slightly harsh and Regulus flinched and looked away. “That includes you, so do what you have to do to keep yourself alive.” She added as he looked at her with wide eyes.
“What if keeping me alive means doing what he asks of me?” He sounded so scared and young, and a part of her wanted to leave and send Marlene to give him what comfort he needed, but he had come to her – and she couldn’t walk away from that.
“Then you do it, you do what he asks, except killing Sirius or anyone else, if he wants it to come to that then you tell me and we’ll make a plan, figure out some way around it.” She spoke, though the truth was she wasn’t sure what she would be able to do against one of the most powerful Wizards.
“Even if that means taking you to him.” Regulus spoke for the both of them.
“Even if it means that.” She whispered. “And if you ever need anything else, someone to talk to other than Marlene, then you can always come to me, we may not be close but I like to think of myself as rather helpful in the face of problems.” She added, patting his shoulder softly.
“I’ll keep that in mind.” He whispered back, the scared look falling back into the teasing one that looked far too similar to his brothers. “So you and Sirius -”
“Nuh uh, we are not talking about that unless you want to talk about you and Marlene.” She teased back with a small grin as he rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders.
“I don’t mind, Marlene’s a great girl, sometimes though I wish I could give her more than up here, but we all know how that will go.” And like that, an air of sadness seemed to flood back into their conversation, making Hermione tense her jaw.
“Maybe once the war ends -”
“If we both make it out.” He scoffed, shaking his head. “I’m not stupid, this war will probably kill a lot of us, and if it doesn’t then some romance I had at sixteen probably isn’t going to last.” He was too realistic for his age, hardened by the choices he had had to make.
But it spoke to Hermione more than she wanted to admit. Relationships didn’t always last, even less when the two were children when they got together, yet to grow in the real world and find out who they really were and what they wanted.
It was so easy to plan out your life when you were sixteen or seventeen, but it wasn’t reasonable to pretend it truly would go that way. Life would throw things in your way, and you would trip and crack your skull or dodge them, but at the end of the day you would come out of it as a slightly different person, and sometimes different people clashed with those they used to be.
Still she couldn’t stop herself from whispering her next words, letting hope take a hold of her. “You don’t know that.”
“I don’t, and I want more than anything for this to last, but I have to be realistic about this, and even though I made a choice I might regret, I still made a choice, and it’s only going to get harder, and being on different sides is only going to push us away from each other.” This war was going to pull them all apart in the end, twist them and damage them until nothing left remained.
Hermione could only imagine what it might be like for Regulus, stuck doing something to save someone else, and what might happen to him if he was found out or if people didn’t believe he was on their side in the end.
It was dangerous and she worried for him, but a small part of thought there might be something in him doing this, something she might be able to get from him when the time came, something important.
And that thought was more terrifying than she wanted to admit.