Talk To Me
Monday the 31st of January 1977
Hermione had always loved dawn, the first tinges of purple then pink light that came from the slowly rising sun, it was peaceful and so beautiful to look at.
Even as she awoke in her brothers bedroom, head still twinging with pain, what she was sure was dried blood under her nose, and a new name and faint memories to add to the face that had been lurking in her dreams, her eyes drifted to the purple/pink light outside of their window, adding to the strange sense of calm that she felt.
Sighing, she sat up straight, taking in her brother beside her, laid on his back, dressed in his clothes from the night before and glass laid askew on his face - gently she reached for them, careful not to wake him as she moved to place them onto his nightstand before moving back to brush his messy hair from his face.
In his sleep he looked so innocent, tawny skin and soft expression, hair a mess like usual, but there was something there that didn't give the impression he spent his days pranking, or looking after his big fucked up sister who had two lives in her head and pushed herself to the point of passing out. It wasn't fair, she knew it, and perhaps it was selfish of her but there would be no one else she would rather have by her side through it all.
Their friends were great, and maybe one day she would find the courage to tell them everything, but they weren't her brother. They weren't the boy who opened his home to her, who shared his parents without thought, who didn't care that they weren't actually siblings because despite everything they were, and he had made that clear - and through it all he had been the only one who had been a constant in her side.
Not that she used that against her friend, but her, Lily and Marlene had all had their fights, it drove them apart for a time; Remus had always been her brother's friend first; and Sirius, well that was just a complicated matter.
And like he knew she was thinking about him, his voice whispered across the dorm, soft and unsure in a way that she had never heard him speak before. “Hey.”
“Hi.” Hermione whispered back as she turned to look at him, sat on the edge of his bed, dressed for the day - black hair perfectly tousled, mouth curling into a nervous smile and silver eyes shining even in the dim light around them. So many thought ran through her head, clashing together and unsettling her stomach as her hands twisted together and a hurried breath left her mouth before she could stop it.
"Are you ok?" He asked, a frown marring his face and concern seeming to shine from every part of him. Hermione looked around quickly, James was still asleep and Remus seemed to be tucked away under his covers, not that she was worried about anyone hearing them speak, but there was something around him that told her this wasn't the only conversation he wanted to have.
Truthfully, she wasn't sure how to answer his question - everyone seemed to have seen her the night before and they probably all had their own conclusions and worries, and Hermione did too, but even with the minimal sleep she had had, Hermione actually felt better rested than she had in a long time, and with every passing second her aches were leaving and her body feeling lighter than it had in a long time.
His silver eyes drifted to her lips, her cheeks heating up before she remembered what he might be seeing there. Her hand raised, wiping away the small flecks of blood as she offered him a small smile. "Just pushed myself a bit too hard." His mouth opened to question her, but she moved quickly, swinging her legs out of the bed and standing up. “Have you been awake for a while?” His eyes narrowed as she brushed down her own clothes and winced, crinkled and worn.
"Yeah, couldn't sleep well." It was her turn to have her question stopped before it could even leave her mouth as he stood up too, tall and far too good looking, even in his uniform. "I was hoping we could talk over breakfast or something.” He stood before her, not an inch away as Hermione tried to find her breath, hands still gripping her own clothes as she meakly nodded her head.
This was it, they were going to have their long overdue talk while she probably looked like a mess, knotted hair, blood stain above her lip and in yesterdays clothes - Merline she couldn't wait to see what gossip would be said about her by the end of the day.
"I'd love to - I just need to change my clothes." She whispered back as he nodded his head and gestured to the door.
“Yeah, no problem, I’ll meet you in the Common Room.”
...
Hermione all but sprinted into her own dorm, wincing as she remembered her four other roommates that seemed to be deep asleep and uncaring as Hermione tore around the room as fast as she could.
Her uniform was always the same, and more often than not hidden by her robe, not the outfit she would have thought she would be having this conversation in, but it would do. Her hands shook as she dressed in the bathroom, smoothing out every wrinkled before she stared at her face - tired and worn, bags under her eyes that didn't reflect the way she truly felt, and the faint red under her nose that seemed to take forever to wash off.
A groan left her mouth as she looked at her hair, a nest of curls and knots that would take far too long to brush out and would be just as painful. Tying them up seemed the only logical way, but it did nothing to enhance her features nor help get rid of the tired mess that she looked like she was.
Sighing, she moved back into her dorm to grab her bag, checking over her books for the day and trying to keep her nerves in check.
"Hermione?" A voice called, her head turned to see Lily half-asleep in her bed, emerald eyes narrow as they tried to focused on her. "What are you -"
Hermione rushed over quickly with a grin, placing a kiss to her best friends forehead and smoothing out some of the hairs from her face. "Good morning, birthday girl." She whispered as Lily gave her a weak smile that fell just as quickly as it appeared.
"Are you ok?" Another person to ask, seemed like this would be a common question for the day and one Hermione wasn't all that eager to answer. She didn't want to lie to her friends, but she wasn't going to spill her secrets and make it known why what happened the night before had happened, not unless she could help it.
"Don't worry about it, I'm fine, I promise - you just focus on having the best birthday you can, you only turn seventeen once, you know." She spoke with a grin, patting the covers around her friend before placing one last kiss on her forehead and standing up, she could still feel those eyes on her, judging and questioning her every move. "I swear Lily, now just go back to sleep." It was tenser than before but she managed to add a small smile to her face.
Lily regarded her for another second before she burrowed deeper into her bed and let out a sigh. "Where are you going?" She half mumbled into her pillow and Hermione couldn't help but smile.
It wasn't over, and she knew that and she was sure Lily knew that too, her friend was nothing if not stubborn - but it had been left alone at least for today and Hermione would take that as a win before she found another way to hold off her friends questions. She could tell her about Sirius, and she wanted to, but she was unsure how that was going to go - and if this went badly then Hermione did not want to be reminded about it for the next few hours.
"Just need to get some studying done, and some time alone." Hermione spoke with a soft smile as Lily frowned and opened her mouth, before it snapped shut and she nodded her head in understanding. "I'll see you later though." She added, not waiting for a reply as she moved towards the door and out of their dorm.
…
Hermione had suffered many awkward moments in her life, part of being a teenager and related to James, she supposed, but none of them could have prepared her for the walk to the Great Hall with Sirius by her side and a million questions in her mind.
Adding to that tension was the fact that the Great Hall wasn't exactly empty as they sat opposite each other at the Gryffindor table, granted a lot of them were Ravenclaws who seemed to be getting an early start to their days, books spread out around them and quills in their hands as the ate their food, but there were others who seemed interested in watching them - only turning as Hermione levelled them with an annoyed glare before she turned back to Sirius.
After everything they had been through, one would think that any awkwardness would be gone. It wasn't as though they were both blushing virgins, or hadn't seen each other as they had - honestly, it was kind of making Hermione wish that she had stayed in bed, or in her own dorm and gotten a couple more hours of sleep instead of looking at a man who seemed half way to passing out or throwing up all over his breakfast.
It didn't give her the hope she wanted, but she couldn't begrudge him for feeling as nervous as he did.
"You wanted to talk?" She asked softly as she raised her cup of coffee to her lips, trying not to meet his panic with her own as he looked back at her with wide eyes. "You don't have to if you don't want to." She added with a frown, she wasn't going to force him to do anything that he didn't want to do, but it would be great if they could talk about something. “What are you thinking about?”
He winced under her question but the panic seemed to settle slightly. “Lots of things.” Back straightening and eyes meeting her own, so full of emotions that it almost took her back as he leaned forward to whisper at her across the table. "But first, before anything else, I think we need to talk about what happened last night."
Hermione raised an eyebrow, almost amused as he leaned back into his seat and narrowed his eyes at her.
There were so many things she could say, wanted to say, but it would only be lies said as the truth, and he would either see right through them or they would come back to bite her in the arse one day. Or she could tell him the truth.
But she couldn't, despite how much she liked him, wanted him - in ways that were slightly terrifying and so different from how she had felt with Zach - Sirius wasn't someone who could be trusted with her secret. Not because she thought he would do harm, but someone so reckless and unthinking couldn't be trusted not to blurt it out or elude to it at a moment that suited him before he realised what he had done.
It was unfair to put that on him, but the last year spoke for itself, it had almost ruined their friendships and this year was only just getting them back on track, but this wasn't just a secret that put one of their friends in danger, this was a secret that connected to everyone in some way.
And you know he won't forgive you for lying, for keeping this from him. A voice whispered in her head, one that she was determined to ignore even if she knew in her very being that it was the truth.
Silver eyes watched her, eyebrows raising as Hermione took another sip of coffee, speaking before he could. "You remember my accident from last summer, right?"
"Of course, which is another thing we've never really spoke about." He added and Hermione all but cursed under her breath, why did he have so many questions for her? Why couldn't he be like this when it came to school or other things? Why was he keeping tabs on every moment around her that he didn't understand and refusing to take her silence or distractions for what they were?
"Stress, too much stress, messes with your head." Hermione spoke, despite the curling of her insides and the want of her eyes to turn to that throne like seat he almost always sat in at dinner every night, watching of his students like some kind of Lord and playing with them when they didn't do exactly what he wanted. "And that is kind of connected to what happened last night." She explained softly as Sirius frowned.
"How?"
"Head injuries take a long time to heal, and sometimes they leave lasting effects, I get some fun ones where over working myself and stressing causes my to pass out." Hermione explained softly, it wasn't exactly wrong, but the Healer had warned her of possible problems that might take some time to go away, all tied to the wall in her head and the scar on her forehead, a version of the truth that she could say without explaining it all.
“That’s a little concerning.” Sirius spoke, eyes wide again and a sigh leaving his mouth as Hermione nodded her head.
She agreed with him there but she wasn't about to admit that out loud, instead she settled for reaching over the table to pat his hand and offering him a gentle smile. "Of course, but unless they happen frequently then it's nothing we need to worry about, it takes time to heal, the brain is a delicate part of the human body." She spoke again, pulling her hand back as his jaw flexed and he narrowed his eyes.
"Maybe you should tell someone about this, like your parents or your Healer." That would only bring a new level of concern into her life and whatever tests her parents would want her to do, which could end up leading to her having to confess everything, at which point she would be unable to leave her house or some project to be looked over - and Dumbledore would end up dead at the hands of her parents.
"My parents do know, and so does James, which is why I went to him and why he keeps an eye on everything." Hermione spoke, voice a bit harsher than before as Sirius looked a little hurt under her words, a sigh left her mouth as she rolled her eyes. "Thank you for the concern, but I'm fine, and honestly that wasn't what I came down here to discuss." He looked annoyed now but she couldn't care as she raised her eyebrows. "Not that I'm trying to rush you."
Sirius let out a scoff, leaning onto the table and utterly distracting Hermione with the way his muscle moved under his shirt. “Maybe this should wait until -”
And like that it ended, her eyes narrowing as she looked at him and fought her own scoff. "If you want to wait, and you aren't ready, then that's fine but don't pretend it has anything to do with me and last night - I'm here, aren't I, waiting like usual for you to decide what to do." There was more force and anger that she meant to put behind her words but she couldn't find herself willing to care as she glared at Sirius.
She really wasn't going to rush him, and if he needed more time then that was fine and she could understand - obviously not forever but she had lost people and she knew how that could play on the mind and mess with everything around you until you dealt with your grief, but she was more annoyed that she had once again placed this in his incapable and indecisive hands and was going to have to wait until he made a move.
"Sirius -"
"There's so much more to it than whatever you are thinking." Sirius muttered, cheeks slightly pink as he narrowed his eyes at her, and Hermione waited. "I told you some of it, but this isn't easy for me, Hermione - this isn't something I do." He spoke, voice tight and eyes looking away as Hermione rolled her eyes.
"It's not something I do either, Sirius." Hermione muttered back as he looked at her once again, shaking his head.
"You've done the whole boyfriend thing - I spent my last couple of years avoiding relationships and everything that came with them, sticking to one-night stands or quick flings, because it was easier to be with someone I didn’t care about than to invest in something that my family could use against me or I would end up ruining.” Hermione frowned as he looked at her earnestly, for once being honest even in the face of her annoyance.
It was weird to feel two things at once, to feel her heart beat loudly in her chest and her brain twist in its annoyance, to be both awed and frustrated, confusing every instinct in her body and causing a war that made her almost feel dizzy. It was honesty she had craved, and honest she was getting, but it was confusing and she wasn't quite sure which side to go for.
Sirius continued speak, softer than before and eyes looking at her in a way that made her brain quiet for a few seconds. “But somehow, despite all of that, you managed to come in and do the one thing I didn’t want, and I tried to fight against it but it's like you're under my skin and you don't care about what my family could do or what might happen."
A lie, she very much did care about what might happen in the future considering it was all she could think about some days, and she did care about what his family would do to her. She had had the moment last year where she got him out and to safety but she wasn't stupid and she knew the moment she left school, the Black's would be onto her for stealing their heir - plus whatever thing Regulus was in.
But Sirius was looking at her with such awe, like the thought of her not being scared of his family was enough for him, and she wasn't going to break whatever faith he seemed to have in her, nor was she going to let him know her own fears about all of that.
"Sirius -"
"And I'm done with excuses, because they don't work." He muttered again, and she softened even more. "Because you're you - strong, intelligent, beautiful and sometimes downright terrifying, and so intimidating." It wasn't exactly how she wanted to be seen. "You can be calculating and stubborn, but underneath it all you are so loyal and kind - and I owe you so much for everything you have ever done for me." He added with a sigh as Hermione looked away.
"You don't owe me anything." She whispered, shaking her head and fighting away the mistiness that was appearing in her eyes. "I don't want you to make this decision because you think that you owe me." She added, hands twisting together nervously as Sirius let out a small laugh that had her looking back at him.
"I'm not, I wish it was as easy as that." He spoke with a soft smile. "Truth is, Hermione, I'm done lying to myself or running away from everything, because I do want you in more ways than one, but I'm scared about all the mistakes that I could make in taking that step." There was something so sad about what he was saying, that Hermione couldn't help but let her anger go as she reached over to take him hand only for him to smile sadly. "I'm a bit messed up."
"Aren't we all?" She asked with her own laugh. It would be easy to point out everything wrong with all of them, how life and family had screwed them up but it was never going to take that fear away. “People make mistakes and they get scared, it just means that you care, that this is something worth fighting for." Or she hoped it was, hoped that he would take that step he seemed to be contemplating, but she wouldn't force him into it.
"It is, you are, and I want to try, I do -"
"But?"
"But I need you to know that this isn't going to be easy, it's not just something I can rush into, not unless you want me to freak out in the middle of it all." Her mouth opened to speak, ready to fight or to stand up and leave the conversation when his hand gripped hers tightly. "Don't frown, you deserve better than that, than me, but I need to take this slow - I'm not talking about seeing other people or not using labels, but just that this can't be just physical for me, I won't let it be that."
"A couple of weeks too late for that." Hermione commented dryly, jaw ticking as Sirius tilted his head. "So what is it that you want then?" She asked before he could make a comment back that had her glaring angrily at him.
"You." He answered as if it was so simple, and maybe it was to him - maybe she was missing what he was actually saying and even in her anger she could feel the way her heart beat faster and her cheeks heated up. "I want us to hold hands and go on dates together, spend time together - I want us to give this a real try like we should have done months ago."
"In other words, it will be like we are a couple of twelve-year-olds who giggle when they kiss and blush when they see each other." Hermione commented dryly but she couldn't help the small smile that made it's way to her face. She could do that, and it wasn't lying to say that she wanted that too. To be 'courted' in a way/ "Should I warn my father and brother that a letter of your intentions and promises will be on the way?" She teased as his lip curled up slightly.
"Hermione -"
"I get it, the need to take it slow, and we can do that for however long you need." Hermione whispered as he looked at her unsure, a small smile making it's way to her face. "Though only as long as you agree that this is exclusive, I'm not interested in sharing - I never have been." His eyes flashed, letting her know that he wasn't either and a grin took over her face. "So then -"
"Would you want to go on a date with me to the next Hogsmeade trip?" The words rushed out of him before Hermione could even fully comprehend what he was asking. Sure they had just all but agree to seeing each other, but she hadn't expected for him to ask for a date yet, even as he regarded her nervously like he was sure she was going to turn him down.
"I'd love to." Hermione muttered, her own cheeks flaring up.
She had been on a few dates in her life, mainly with Zach, but none of them had made her feel as nervous and excited as this one was. A date with Sirius, something she had only thought about in small moments, and something she thought would never happen, not even if they got together.
Hermione had expected their relationship to be one that mainly stuck to spending time together with their friends or in their bedroom, not this - not Sirius smiling shyly at her or ducking under the table to come and sit by her side after asking her on a date. She had expected that they would sit with his arm over her shoulder, not the slight thrill of his arm pressed against hers as he moved further into her side as Remus sat beside him.
Their friends didn't seem to notice anything as they poured themselves drinks, and placed food on their plates, as they spoke about the day and Lily's birthday, Hermione wished she could pay attention but the whole left side of her body seemed to be burning with Sirius and his knowing silver eyes.
Neither said anything, and she was half tempted to out them, to confess what they had discussed, but the other half wanted to keep it to herself. To let herself enjoy Sirius and everything he wanted to do without the worry of knowing eyes, or tantrums from her brother, or even comments from everyone else. Plus the added part that she wasn't going to steal Lily's thunder on her seventeenth birthday, that would be cruel.
A hang tugged at a loose curl, making her turn her head slightly to see Sirius giving her a knowing look, her cheeks flaring as she looked back to her food, ignoring the small chuckle that came from him and the knowing groan that seemed to come from Remus.
It seemed her friends would figure it out faster than everyone else, mainly James, who was watching her with kind and concerned hazel eyes, no doubt thinking of last night - something she had managed to forget in the past few minutes her and Sirius had been talking. They would talk about it later, about her memories and what happened.
And if she was feeling brave enough then she might tell him her other secret, but they would see how that went.