The Biggest Sacrifice

Thursday the 14^th of October 1976

James Fleamont Potter was a handsome and popular boy. One of the finest chasers Hogwarts had ever seen and possibly the best friend a person could have.

He oozed confidence, intelligence and was just amazing in every way. Girls lined up to try and date him, and many failed to capture his attention, only two had ever managed in their six years at Hogwarts, though many were surprised.

Lily Evans had captured his attention and heart in a way that no one else could ever live up to – her strength, intelligence and blazing eyes had been enough to send him head over heels the moment they met. Yet despite his feelings he had entered some kind of relationship with Marlene only for it to end and soften into friendship.

And the moment that ended, he stopped seeming to try with Lily and somehow they became friends – or that’s what it looked like but the truth was, after their fights and the many countless problems that had happened in the past year, he just didn’t have the energy or time to focus on something that might never happen.

He never gave up, of course, he was stubborn – like most Potter’s, but he couldn’t spend his days chasing someone who didn’t want to be chased. So instead he settled for what he could have, and pretended that their little moments meant something more – putting them away in his head and hoping for the day.

He was good at that. Pretending things weren’t the way they seemed. Pretending that the heart he had given away at the tender age of eleven, wasn’t chipped and cracked.

The truth was, that James didn’t have time to focus on his own issues, not when some many people he cared about seemed to be falling apart around him. He was the glue that held their little group together, and he was the one to be there when they needed him.

Remus was struggling. Struggling with being alone, struggling with fear and everything that might come for him once they left the castle.

Marlene was lost. Her family had turned their backs and she had made a ‘friend’ in the worst probable way, because they all knew where it was going and how bad it would truly get but he couldn’t take away that happiness from her.

Lily was scared. Scared of the way her friends were going, scared of people she knew going down a path they couldn’t come back from and scared of the news they all heard every day. The Purebloods would always be safer than the Muggleborn.

Sirius was drowning – in guilt, in shame, in his own issues. Insecure and guilty of so many things that he should be able to ignore but just couldn’t seem to move past – trying to find answers in self destructive paths – and possibly in Hermione.

His sister, who he loves the most in the world, who was broken and falling apart at the seams. Who had more secrets than anyone else, who loved with her whole heart – whose very being seemed tragic and hurt. Who had seen more than anyone else should have to.

Yet these days she didn’t seem so bad, almost normal with moments where the truth reflected in her eyes and actions, but the dark circles under her eyes had lessened and her smile seemed slightly bigger. And he wasn’t stupid as to what might have put it there, nor was he blind to the strange confused looks she sent Sirius’ way, as though she was trying to figure him out.

Not that Sirius seemed to care, he carried on with his life, drinking less and talking more, and completely unbothered by Hermione’s looks.

He thought about asking them – being straight up and seeing what excuses they could give them, if the rumours of them being caught multiple times asleep on the sofa in each others embraces was true or if there was more to it, but he wasn’t quite sure if it would help or send them both back down that slippery slope they seemed to be working so hard to get out of.

Instead he worked harder, waking up earlier, checking behind bed curtains and creeping down the stairs in hopes of catching them – like some kind of pervert. Only to come up empty handed and hungry while wondering where the fuck Sirius was.

A sigh left his mouth as he turned around the corner towards the Great Hall, a bone cracking yawn soon following and his hand moving as though he was trying to bat it away.

“Oh.” A grin appeared on his face as he looked down at Lily, her cheeks flushed and her hair perfectly straight and resting just past her shoulders, clashing slightly with the red and gold of her tie. “Good morning.”

“Morning, Evans.” He rasped out, yawning again and turning to hide his face from hers. “Off to breakfast?” He asked, moving to rub his tired eyes and shifting from foot to foot as the smell of freshly cooked bacon reached his nostrils.

“Actually I just came from there – I’m heading back to get mine and Hermione’s bags before class.” She explained softly, rolling her eyes as he dramatically moved out of her way, sweeping a hand as she stepped past him. “Though I warn you she’s in a mood today, so erm...tread lightly.” She added before turning, her slightly heeled shoes clicking against the stone.

“Excellent.”

Just what he needed today, a pissed off sister to deal with at the crack of fucking dawn. Still it didn’t stop him from continuing on his journey and entering the quiet and slightly empty Great Hall to slide in a seat opposite a grumpy Hermione.

Her hand rested against the jug of coffee, holding it close as she sipped out of her mug, an unfinished plate of oatmeal and jam before her.

A sigh left his mouth as he watched her – the familiar worry creeping up his spine. Hermione had always been tiny to him, especially as he grew more, and she had always been petite and pale but it seemed to have reached a new level these days.

Though the tired bags had slowly disappeared thanks to Sirius, so had the baby fat in her cheeks thanks to the fact that she ate nothing more than half a plate at each meal. She was becoming skin and bones, and it was worrying and slightly scary.

Another coffee poured and her dark eyes stayed staring at the liquid. "Are you going to share?" Her eyes widened as she turned to look at him, sloshing the coffee onto the table.

“Erm…sure, here you go.” Her mumbled reply came as she held out her own cup and let go of the jug to mop up the spill. He didn’t hesitate as he reached for the cup and took a big gulp, grimacing at the bitterness that spread through his mouth before placing the cup back into her hand.

“Merlin, do you not use sugar?” He asked, shaking his head. “And I wasn’t talking about that but about whatever is wrong with you today.”

“My period.”

“Uh-uh...no you don’t get to pull that card with me.” He waggled his finger in her face as he gave a small laugh. “Not when your womanly issues haven’t bothered me since I first learnt what they were.” Which had been a traumatising experience from his mother as she explained what would be happening to his sister.

“How modern of you.” Hermione laughed out, an amused expression on her face as though she knew exactly what he was thinking about.

“I’m your brother – I know you – so instead of blaming it on that, why not just tell me why you look Remus when someone steals his chocolate.” The smile fell in an instant and guilt climbed it’s way up his throat – his mouth opening to try and take it back.

“I had a nightmare.”

“About your…”

“I couldn’t even tell you if I wanted to – it was too confusing, none of it made sense and now my brain is itching like mad.” Her hand raised to touch the scar, the line small and thin and not easily seen but made obvious by her raising hand.

“Don’t touch it.” James hissed out, reaching to grab her hand and place it back on the table, matching her glare with his own.

“It doesn’t hurt.” Hermione hissed back, though her cheeks seemed redder than before and her teeth were all but clenched together.

“Liar.” James spat out, an annoyed smile making it’s way onto his face. “Every time something happens that seems to be related to your memories, you touch there and grimace like you’ve just been hit with a cruciatus curse.” He had noticed, of course he had, but only because he was paying attention and because it was obvious from him.

A look of confusion followed by her hand reaching up to itch her head and touch her scar and suddenly her whole body seemed tense and her teeth clenched together. Most wouldn’t notice, not even as her own nails dug into her hands or her foot tapped against the floor but he did.

But only because he knew.

“Look I know things have been shit, and I know you said you would play by his rules but…”

“There is no but – I don’t have any way to get them back – and even if I did, I still wouldn’t be able to do anything.” Hermione cut him off, staring down at her food and coffee, and he bet that if no one else was in here then there would be silent tears rolling down her cheeks.

“I hate seeing you like this – I thought it was getting easier.”

“Sometimes but then other times it’s maddening.”

“Well I’m here, and I know, even if you don’t remember but if you do then I’m here to help or be whatever you need.” James whispered as a few fourth years sat beside them, his hand reaching out to take her own as a familiar flash of dark and sandy hair could be seen from the corner of his eye.

“Thank you.” Her eyes were slightly blood shot as she looked up at him, squeezing his hand back, but still looking much sadder than he ever wanted to see her.

“Anytime.” He whispered, throwing in a wink as he pulled back, turning his head to watch as Sirius and Remus sauntered towards them. “Also I feel I do need to remind you that sleeping on a sofa and Sirius is bad for ones back – I mean you are seventeen now, it’s about time you remembered you aren’t young and spry any more.” He grinned cheekily at her as her cheeks turned pink and she scoffed.

"Slightly offended.” She mumbled though seeming more amused and less sad.

“So sleep in your bed, or sleep in his if it helps but I swear to Merlin, if anything more is happening, I will murder him and lock you away forever.” James pointed out, smiling as she batted his hand away and rolled her eyes, moving further up in her seat.

“I’d like to see you try.”

“Don’t tempt me – I will not allow that scoundrel to corrupt you.” James whispered once again as Sirius, not two steps away frowned between them. “That is unless you want me to tell dad what his ‘innocent’ Princess has been getting up to.” Her eyes narrowed and her cheeks turned even pinker, but she didn’t comment any further.

...

The library is the only place in Hogwarts he tries to avoid, for reasons having to do with no being a swot or liking having to sit in silence for longer than five minutes.

Yet here he is, taking in the old book smell that kind of reminds him of Hermione – and maybe Remus, and avoiding looking anyone in the eye as he sits himself down in the corner and pulls out his homework and the reference books he had found. Not that he needs help with his homework, but stops the casual glances being thrown.

And if he’s honest, adds another layer to his image.

“Hello?” Fuck. He should have known one of them would up here – they couldn’t stay away from the place for more than a day, nor could they seemingly leave their homework till the last minute.

“Good evening, Evans.” His voice remained natural as he jot another note down before turning back to his book with a frown. It’s complex and probably a bit of his league but he understands enough to write the important things.

“Are you lost?”

“Do I look lost?”

“No, you look like you’re reading – which is a surprise in itself – but what are you doing here?” Lily asked as she sat beside him. He could almost feel her eyes trying to rake over his books, her body leaning forward to check his parchment full of notes.

“Studying.” He mumbled back to her, moving his notes so she couldn’t catch a peek.

“I thought you didn’t believe in that.” Honestly, as much as he likes her, it’s starting to get a bit annoying with her there, judging him not so silently. He gets the questions, he would be confused in the same situation but it’s a bit much.

“I did it last year, didn’t I?” He snapped, risking a quick glance only to see her watching him bemused, her own books resting on the table before him, Alchemy and Arithmancy by the looks of it – far too complicated for him to try and understand.

“Because of Hermione...is she making you study now?” She asked, cranning her neck to look around like Hermione might appear from behind a bookcase, which could be a possibility but as far as he and the map are aware, she isn’t here.

“I can decide to do things on my own – we are preparing for our N.E.W.Ts, and it is important that I get at least five O’s to get into the Auror Training program.” It’s the truth but it’s not true now – yet the lie slipped from his lips with surprising ease.

“Oh...sorry.”

“No problem.” He mumbled out, frowning down at the words and fighting back a sigh.

It’s not even like he knows what he’s looking for or even where to look. How does one come about finding a book that would explain a block placed in someone’s head to keep out future memories so that the person doesn’t become a risk?

He could ask someone, a teacher or maybe even Moony but it feels like a risk to try and bring attention to something that wouldn’t be good if it got out. So instead he spends his days looking for answers in old books, hoping that he will come across some kind of spell that will help Hermione should she ever ask for it.

Because that’s what good brothers who are concerned and also curious do.

“What are you studying for?” Fuck. He forgot Lily was there.

“Hm? Oh...er...Muggle Studies.” Flustered, he tries to wave her off, refusing once again to look at her as he frowns down at his book.

“Really?”

“Yes...why?”

“It’s just I didn’t know they would make you study...’Magic on the Mind.’… in Muggle Studies.” Her pale fingers lift the cover gently, and he finally casts a look at her beautiful emerald eyes, a small laugh leaving his mouth as he plucks the book away from her.

“Oh yeah, it’s a comparison book between how Wizards and Muggles deal with mental issues – you’re really missing a fun year this year.” Another lie, though not as good as before but he doesn’t think too much on it as he goes back to reading the now blurry words.

“Right – I mean Sirius just told me how you were learning about planes.” Lily spoke softly, if not slightly amused, leaning closer towards him.

“Planes and how they are a metaphor for...people with flighty tendencies.” Her opened her mouth as though to ask more questions, her brow furrowed in the cutest way but James wouldn’t be distracted by it today. “And what are you here for?” He asked, closing the book with a slam and smiling awkwardly.

“To actually study.” Narrowed eyes and ticking jaw were not good signs, she was half a step closer to snapping and snarling at him until he backed down.

“Ah well...good luck with that – I better leave you alone to...bye.” He all but shouted, knocking his chair backwards and sweeping up his stuff under his arm and promising to return the book tomorrow as he left the room.

His footsteps echo off the stone and his eyes dart around as he moves towards the stairs, eager to get away from the girl he has no doubt is following him.

“Hey – wait – James!” He stopped, turning to face her in surprise as she stood before him, hands on her hips and tongue running over her teeth.

“Evans! Long time no see!”

“What are you hiding?”

“Nothing?”

“You don’t go to the library to study and that book has nothing to do with Muggle Studies – so what is it James?” Again with his name. She moved forward, like she was hunting prey, sending him steps backwards until his back touched the stone wall and his hands felt overly sweaty.

“Ah – this doesn’t seem fair.” He rasped, looking down and back up. The tips of her well polished shoes were touching his own, he wouldn’t even be able to move without brushing her in some way.

“What?” Lily asked, confused as she looked around, not seeming to find a problem with their close proximity – she probably didn’t care enough to even notice.

James coughed, shifting slightly and pushing himself further back into the wall before speaking through slightly clenched teeth and a tight smile. “You see I am very obviously attracted to you and it’s very distracting sometimes – and this stance isn’t helping.”

He could have blushed when her eyes looked down, he did blush when she looked back up at him with a raised eyebrow and mild curiosity. “Are you saying you have a bon-”

“Merlin’s beard – no!” James yelled, his eyes going wide. “I know I might be of a nutter for you but it’s going to take a lot more than you standing like this to get me going.” His cheeks feel redder than her hair even as she blushed in response.

“Well how am I supposed to know when you’re saying stuff like that – I thought you were hinting at something else.” He could laugh at how red her face looks, her hand coming out to slap him as her lips turn up in amusement and to his relief she takes a step away.

“You’re great Lily, but you’re going to need to be a bit more romantic if you want to get me going.” He teased lowly, her neck joining the rest of her face as she mumbled something that sounded a lot like ‘shut up’.

It’s nice to be able to be at this stage with one another. Not the jokes about his downstairs area, but to be able to joke at all and have some sense of friendship between them is enough for him. He can just be glad with her giving him the time of day.

Though he isn’t ignorant to the curious look she sent his way as he placed his books in his bags and his hands in his pockets, giving her another crooked grin. “Want to go get some dinner?”

It feels like something more, as she gives him a soft smile and nods her head, walking by his side towards the Great Hall.

“So I was thinking -”

“I didn’t know you could think, Potter.” He didn’t have to turn to see who it was, the sneering cold voice is enough to let him know but he still turns anyway, taking a step closer to Lily as those black eyes settled on her. “I didn’t know you were so desperate for friends – did you forget everything he did?”

“No, just like I didn’t forget everything you did, Snape.” Lily answered back coldly – if James was a better man then he might have tried to understand the hurt behind Snape’s eyes, but alas he wasn’t and a boy like Snape was never going to earn his sympathy.

“Yet you can forgive the bullies.”

“I forgive people who deserve it.” Lily hissed back and James stood slightly stunned.

They were friends now, sure, but after all the shit he had pulled and every prank he had partaken in, every jinx and hex – every fight with her ‘best friend’, had made him sure that she was never going to fully forgive him for it – that there might always be some slight resentment towards him for how he had behaved.

“Deserve.” Snape scoffed out, taking a step forward, his cloak moving with him. “I’ll tell you what he deserves.” He sneered at James who merely blinked and waited for whatever else he had to say. “Nothing to say, Potter?”

“Not really.” James mumbled, his head turning to focus more on Lily.

“No, I suppose you’ll just wait until Lily leaves and get your kicks then.” Snape spat out, moving a few steps forward and scoffing again when James moved to sat half in front of Lily.

“Why?” He couldn’t help but ask, eyebrows raised and voice full of disdain. “Are you going to jinx a second year in front of me again?” He could almost feel Lily’s anger behind him, could see it on Snape’s face as his eyes turned wide.

“Lies.” He sneered, shaking his head and moving to the side to look at Lily. “Trying to make yourself look better than you are, we all know that -”

“You jinx me, and I jinx you – neither of us is better than the other, Snape.” James cut him off before he could start ranting or giving room for doubt – a doubt that neither of them should even ask for after everything they had done throughout the years.

“What do you even want, Severus?” Lily asked, James turned to look at her.

She didn’t seem bothered by how close he stood, if anything she leaned further into him as she waited for Snape to answer, her cheeks still slightly rosy and her arms crossed over her chest, but there was hurt in her eyes. Hurt that Snape had put there with everything he had done.

“I just don’t get how you can be friends with him, with the whole lot of them, after everything they did, to you – to me.” Snape pleaded, taking a step closer as Lily took a step into James’ side. “How you can forgive this obnoxious toe-rag -” Did she look amused right now? “ - and not me.”

“Because he never hurt me.” Lily whispered softly, shaking her head. “In fact throughout the whole time I’ve known him, not once has he intentionally been cruel to me – or threatened who I am.” Her voice rose steadily as she spoke, her hand reaching up to grip the sleeve of James’ robe, whether for support or to pull him away.

“If this is about -”

“You know it is, Severus, and nothing you say is going to make a difference so just let it go.”

“This is his fault!” Snape shouted, pointing a finger at James and scrambling to pull his wand out of his sleeve. “I am going to make you pay for this – I swear to Merlin, I will -”

“Are you threatening my brother again, Snape?” Shit. Three pairs of eyes moved to see Hermione leaning against the wall, interested and annoyed, her dark eyes staring at Snape with a look that promised retaliation if he tried anything. “You should know by now that I don’t take too kindly to threats aimed at people I care about.”

To give credit where credit was due – Snape had the decency to look mildly unsure as Hermione took a step forward, a cold smile on her face. “Just what we need – another entitled Potter – don’t you have somewhere better to be?”

“Don’t you?” Hermione asked back, a small smile on her face. “Or are you just a full time stalker now?”

“Like you’re one to talk, Potter.” Was everyone meeting in this small hall? Who would jump in next?

“Regulus, how nice of you to join us.” Hermione spoke, the same cold smile on her face as she regarded the boy, who seemed to look more and more like a sharper and colder version of his brother – not longer like the lanky teenager who he had seen a few months ago – who had helped them get Sirius out of his house.

“I thought I would come and see what all the commotion was about – it’s not everyday we get to have a pleasant conversations with you.” Regulus spoke, seeming slightly amused as Snape turned to sneer at him. “Mind your tongue, Severus – these people are not deserving of your petty anger.” His bright eyes turned to face the older boy, an air of authority about him.

James could have laughed, if Hermione didn’t look half as pissed off as Snape, her eyes watching the boy with barely contained anger and perhaps a slight bit of anger.

“Are you going down that path again?” Snape hissed as he turned fully to face the boy. “You’re a fool. These people -”

“You should have known.” Hermione spoke over Snape, all eyes turning to look at her. “’You made a choice – you don’t get to remain in between, and as far as I can see it, they all deserve it’ – that’s what you said to him, didn’t you?” James blanked but Lily turned pale, her grip tightening. “You should have known it would be harder for him to turn his back than you.” Snape’s teeth bared, almost like a rabid dog as he turned towards Hermione.

“You’ve been spying on us.” Snape roared as he stepped towards Hermione and away from Regulus. Hermione didn’t blink but her eyes narrowed and her hand twitched dangerously by her side.

“No – though I think you should be more careful where you have your conversations.”

“I’m going to -”

“Don’t fucking touch her.” James hissed out, reaching forward to grab Snape’s hand before he could do anything as Hermione drew her wand and Lily let out a small gasp. Even Regulus seemed on edge, his own hand gripping his wand, though it was pointed at Snape and not Hermione.

“Let go of me, Potter.” Snape hissed out but James pulled him closer, over towering him as he gripped the boys thin wrist painfully. He’d never physically gone after Snape but there wasn’t a doubt in his mind that he wouldn’t try if the boy tried anything.

“I swear to Merlin if you even try to touch her that everything else I have done to you will pale in comparison – do you understand?” He growled as menacingly as he could, the message seeming to sink in as Snape’s eyes widened for a second.

“Fuck you, Potter.”

“Leave it, James – get back to your common room, Snape, before I start dealing detentions and taking away points.” Lily threatened, as Snape looked at her in betrayal but she remained fierce, glaring back him and moving to stand beside Hermione.

And like that, any chance of redemption between the two was fully severed. The space between the two ex best friends long as Lily chose her side, a Potter by each arm, her wand in her hand and nothing but disdain on her face for the one who had shown her this world.

And Snape stood alone. Not even Regulus by his side but behind him with his wand out and anger in his eyes. Not even his fellow Death Eaters seemed to want to be by the Halfbloods side. He was alone by choice and anger – and for the first time in his life James felt slightly guilty and perhaps a bit of pity for the boy.

“You’re going to regret your choices one day, Lily.”

“Not as much as you will – now piss off.” Lily hissed out, waving her hand away as Snape turned, cloak flying behind him and making him look like some kind of pale faced bat. “You can join him, Black.”

Regulus ignored Lily, moving forward to stand before Hermione with a glare, though James didn’t think he would hurt her, in a strange way it seemed Regulus actually cared for Hermione, but he still moved to stand by her side as the boy spoke. “Do you just live to cause problems?”

“You’re one to talk – after everything we spoke about, after everything you’ve had to do – you’re just going to end up getting yourself killed.” Hermione spat out, looking disappointed.

“Stop worrying about me and worry more about yourself.” Regulus hissed back, his tone cold once again and his mask back in place.

“Was that a threat?”

“What’s going on here?” Sirius, Remus and Marlene stood behind Regulus, but it had been Sirius who spoke, Sirius who was watching his brother with a mixture of complex emotions – like he wanted to yell and both pull the shorter boy into his arms.

He wasn’t sure if he could explain as Regulus and Hermione stared off at each other, seeming to have some silent conversation between themselves before Regulus mumbled. “Watch your back, Potter.”

Hermione blinked and Regulus turned around, sparing Sirius a quick glance before going on his way. James watched as Sirius turned to watch his brother go, Remus moved to Hermione’s side and Marlene – Marlene stared after the boy with her mouth open and a confused frown on her face, one hand almost reaching out and the other gripping her bag strap tightly.

The almost sixteen year old boy had left a mess behind that James was sure he wasn’t going to try and clean up.