The Biggest Sacrifice

Forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive the people we love. - Fred Rogers.

Wednesday the 10th of March 1976

Detention was shit.

Nearly four weeks of spending well up to midnight doing whatever their teacher demanded of them was annoying, not to mention that it came on top of heavy homework and preparation for O.W.Ls which meant Hermione wasn’t sleep nearly as much as she should have. On the plus side she wasn’t as stressed as she once would have been.

Still sitting in Slughorns classroom, her friends in different corners of the room with a bunch of jars and ingredients before them was more annoying than it would have been if this was a normal class.

“Now don’t worry about getting this all finished today, I have asked Dumbledore if you will be able to come back tomorrow.” Hermione could have lobbed the knife she was using to cut some sprigs at his head and hope that stupid smile left his face. “It’s better than being with Mr Flich, is it not?”

“For you maybe.” Hermione muttered under her breath as Slughorn chuckle, happy with the free labour he was getting as he waddled to his desk.

Quickly she cast a look around, feeling the same annoyance niggling at the back of her head. James was in front of her, as far away as he could from Sirius’ sad face and Lily’s stubborn and somehow apologetic glances. Marlene had fallen asleep on her desk and Snape, who had been a surprising addition to their detention, was glaring at his jars.

It felt like forever since they had been in a room and been able to speak without someone flinging a bitter comment or harsh words at someone else and Hermione was left in the middle. Her brother now an annoying presence that seemed to want to stick to her side while also trying to avoid Lily who also wanted her attention, while Hermione tried to avoid Sirius’ glances.

In her moments of need, it had left her drained and sneaking up to Zach’s room where she could escape them all for a few blissful moments, though still not the kind she really wanted. Her boyfriend was adamant at not doing that while his room mates slept around them – but he could do other stuff that left her breathless. Whatever, she wasn’t thinking about that.

The door opened as she gave a valerian spring a harsh chop, her eyes looking up to see Remus walking in.

“Lupus -” The whole class rolled their eyes as Remus kept a polite smile on his face. “ my boy, what are you doing here?”

“Professor McGonagall caught me sneaking out, she said if I was going to behave like my friends then perhaps I should join them here, I took it to heart and decided what was life without a bit of a birthday detention.” Remus grinned cheekily, Hermione rolled her eyes as James let out a groan. It wasn’t that they had forgotten, more like they hadn’t been able to do anything due to their situation.

“It’s your birthday? Marvellous, and how old are we today, Lupus?” Slughorn asked with a large grin, placing a pounding hand on Remus’ back that had the boy stumbling.

“Sixteen, Sir.”

“Good age, I remember when I was sixteen.” Hermione cringed as her professor looked off to a spot nowhere, eyes glazed over and a wide grin on his face. “I expect you’ll be having some kind of party, though don’t worry about me, I won’t tell anyone – providing I get some cake, that is.” He belly laughed as Remus chuckled.

“I would, Sir, but you see all my friends are here – kind of hard to have a party alone.” Manipulative little bastard. Surely it wasn’t going to work, Slughorn wasn’t so naive that he would fall for Remus’ little ploy.

Slughorn stared back at him before pursing his lips and shaking his head. “That is sad...well perhaps...perhaps we can finish detention a little early today – finish this load tomorrow instead.” He muttered, the group staring up at him in slight shock.

“Sir…”

“Go on now, though no partying too late – you do have class tomorrow.” He gestured for them to leave, the group not having to be told twice. Even Snape rushed out, barging into Remus on the way for the door and all but running away. “Though if there is any cake, I expect a piece.”

“Of course, Sir – thank you.” Remus said with a grin, his eyes twinkling as he shut the door behind them and gave a little laugh, the group stood outside the door with wide eyes, all six of them laughing like they hadn’t spoken in weeks.

“That was amazing...I owe you my life.” James muttered, clinging onto Remus and pretending to wipe tears as he was pushed away by Remus.

It seemed to settle then, the group remembering who they were around and what had happened. Sirius shrunk back into himself, James’ smile turned into a glare and Hermione let out a sigh as Remus clenched his jaw.

“We should probably head back.” Remus muttered as he began leading the group around the castle, eyes cast downwards, only stopping when Sirius let out a cough, the whole group turning to face him.

“So listen, I’m sorry about all the shit that’s happened – and I’ve been carrying round this all day, hoping I’d get a chance to give it to you but I know we aren’t speaking and this seems like a better time – so here – happy birthday.” He reached into his pocket, pulling out a carefully wrapped gift and handed it to Remus who stared at it like it was a bomb.

“Thanks.”

“I’m sorry about everything – I made a mess of things – not that I don’t usually but this was bigger than what happened and I’m sorry.” He mumbled out as Remus nodded his head, a sigh leaving his mouth as he put the present into his robes.

“Yeah you did, and it was pretty fucked up, and just because you apologise doesn’t mean things will go back to the way it was.” Remus explained as Sirius nodded his head in agreement, pushing his hands further into his pocket. “But it doesn’t mean we can’t work our way back there.”

If there was something that could describe hope then it would have been Sirius’ face in that moment. Wide shiny eyes and a small smile forming on his lips as he nodded his head and let out a breath. “I’ll do whatever it takes for you to trust me again.”

“I’m sure you will – though it might take some time and maybe a few moons apart – I know we’ll get there.” Remus whispered, reaching forward to pat Sirius’ arm with a softer smile.

“Are you being serious?” Lily scoffed out, both boys turning to look at her as Remus raised an eyebrow, an amused grin making it’s way onto his face as he opened his mouth to speak and Hermione felt herself groan.

“No he is -”

“I’m with Evans on this one, surprisingly.” James interrupted before Remus could finish as Lily turned to look at him with wide eyes. “After everything that happened, you are just going to forgive and forget like that?” Hazel eyes were more furious than fiendfyre, and he looked a second away from jinxing the both of them.

“I’m not forgetting, but I miss my friend, and I know you do too.” James scoffed but his eyes gave him away. “And since I was the one most effected by it, I am the one who gets to decide, plus I can’t go through the next two years in this constant awkwardness.” Remus added, shrugging his shoulders and trying to continue walking.

James wasn’t having it though, moving to stand before the boy with a glare. “That’s beside the point – he could have gotten someone killed, could have outed you -”

“But he didn’t, and I’m looking past that in favour of thinking he’s learnt from his mistakes.”

“Has he?”

“James.” Remus bit out with a sigh, sending a quick look to Sirius who looked ready to turn and leave them all here.

“Because all I see is this long list of things he’s done wrong, to you, to me, to Snape, who is a lot of things, but he didn’t deserve that.” James spat out, unaware of the grateful look Lily sent his way. “But especially to my sister, who he’s hurt time and time again, while I’ve sat and watched.” Sirius cringed and shook his head.

“I didn’t -”

“I don’t care.” James snapped out, glaring at his best friend. Though they weren’t best friends at this moment.

“And I don’t want to be dragged into this, Jamie.” Hermione whispered out, pulling on her brothers arm and sending him a quick frown. “This is Remus’ choice and we have to respect that.” She added at a lower volume as Remus gave her a grateful smile.

“I’m with Hermione, and Remus, so if they forgive you then I do too.” Marlene spoke suddenly, clapping her hands together before reaching out to punch Sirius’ shoulder with a tense smile that had the boy looking a bit more relieved.

“I never said I forgave him.” Hermione spoke with a frown, a small hit of sick joy filling her veins as Sirius turned sad eyes onto her, tension easing into every muscle he possessed.

“Then I’m just with Remus.” Marlene blew out, cringing and sending a quick look to Hermione. “Though I’m with Hermione in saying that we aren’t going to be dragged into this and that maybe the three of you should talk – and us three should leave.” She gestured between the girls as Hermione nodded her head and Lily raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t -”

“And you don’t have to, but right now I think we need to let them talk without ears listening.” Marlene whispered as Lily scoffed but nodded her head, moving away from the group as Hermione followed, staying close enough to hear Marlene whisper to Remus. “Sorry and happy birthday.”

…

Thursday the 11^th of March 1976

It was shit that nightmares still plagued her, ones of people who had yet to even exist or who had no idea who she was at this point in time. And yet it was the only thing that she could cling to that let her know she wasn’t crazy or imagining things – the memories and how real it all felt, left her secretly begging for more.

It also left her exhausted in a way that didn’t allow her to sleep and instead had her sat in the Common Room far too late or early, depending on how you looked at it, with her homework laid out on the coffee table and her books beside her.

Here she didn’t have to pretend, force a fake smile or act like she wasn’t plagued by anything and everything, but instead she could do what she needed to do.

“Oh shit – sorry I can -”

Hermione turned to look as Sirius stood by the back of the sofa, half way turned like he was going to run back to his dorm. His hair sticking up at every angle and his pyjamas crinkled past no return, but it was the silver eyes watching.

One part of her wanted to tell him to go, to leave her alone and let this festering grudge stay between them. That they would ignore every problem he had ever created for them, and pretend that they were nothing more than friends of friends – that they would spend the next two years greeting each other civilly and go on with their lives. It would be easier and a more than a tiny part of her wanted that.

But another part remembered the boy she had a crush on, the one that made her laugh and the one that was her friend that she had tried so hard to protect. The one who was no doubt going to walk into some shit this summer and come to her home for help.

Though mainly he was someone she still cared about despite everything.

“You can sit down if you’d like.” She didn’t smile or make her tone polite, instead she spoke as though it was the weather, her head nodding towards the chair as she went back to her work.

He didn’t need to be asked twice, sitting in the single chair and shuffling about, his eyes looking everywhere as though he was sat in someone’s house for the first time and trying to find something to talk about. And as much as she respected the quiet while she worked, the tension was far too intense for her to even focus.

“Why are you down here?”

“I could ask you the same -” Sirius began, a grin on his face that quickly faded as Hermione gave him a quick glare. “- but I won’t because that is not my business.” He added a nervous laugh afterwards as Hermione rolled her eyes.

“No it’s not.” It was rude and her tone had turned a bit colder but she didn’t really care. “Look if you’re here to apologi-”

“I’m not or I wasn’t when I came down but I think I ought to.” Sirius cut her off as Hermione frowned, her words dying on her tongue as he let out a deep breath and rubbed his hands against his pants. “You haven’t deserved half of the shit that I’ve done this year.”

“Is that your apology?”

“No – I was making a statement – doesn’t matter because I am sorry for everything I’ve done – kissing you, being a dick about it and...well being the reason you went out last month...and everything else that I’ve done.” He sounded so sincere that she wanted to believe him, but there was something holding her back – there always was with him.

“Why did you do it?” Hermione asked, his silver eyes turning panicked in an instant that she felt the need to reassure and hurt him. “Not the kissing and what you said, that was a long time ago and frankly I don’t care about it any more, but with Snape...”

His face twisted into something much sadder than before, silver eyes moving away from her and towards the fire. “I don’t think this is the right time -”

“Why not? You apologised, and I want to hear your reason for what you did so I can decided if accepting it and moving on from all of this is going to worth it for me.” If you are still worth it. The voice in her head whispered the words she didn’t say aloud but they both knew she meant.

“He threatened you.”

“What -”

“You didn’t see it, but it was on Valentines – and he saw you with Zach and started mouthing off about what you got up to...with people – and then he mentioned Remus, he was hinting at something and I couldn’t stand it so I…” And she had seen it, had watched their little interaction and hoped nothing would come of it. It had been right before her very eyes.

“So you mentioned where your friend went every month, the night before the full moon?” Hermione asked in disbelief as Sirius winced away from her sharp glare.

“I wasn’t thinking.”

“No you weren’t.” Hermione answered back, because when did he ever think about anything but himself and what it meant for him. “You’re lucky it didn’t end up worse because it could have, you know that right?” His silver eyes focused on her, almost begging her not to say anything more but she was too angry to let this slide now.

“Hermion -”

“One bite is all it takes – one bite and your life is either over or you’re forced into the traumatic experience that you watch one of your best friends go through every month.” Her book slammed shut as she pushed it from her lap. “That’s all it would have taken, Snape could have died or turned, I could have or Lily or Marlene, and then that would be on your hands.” She gestured to his hands, his eyes looking downwards as though he expected them to be covered in blood.

“I know.” He whispered, shaking his head as he looked at her with pleading eyes. “But I just – do you expect me to let someone get away with what they were saying about you?” Why did he even care when he had done all he had? Why did it make her heart beat a little faster that he had jumped to her defence?

“I don’t care what people say about me!” Hermione snapped coldly, standing up and trying to ignore the beating in her ears. “And certainly not to the extent where you willingly put someone’s life at risk just to try and defend me...why the fuck would you think I wanted that?” Anger pushed through whatever else was happening as she pictured Snape broken and bloody.

“I don’t...I didn’t...but I couldn’t just stand by, not when it comes to you – you mean more to me than that.” No. No she wasn’t doing this, he wasn’t pulling this on her. He wasn’t going to pull her in again.

Yet her heart still stuttered as his eyes danced with fire light, so unique and beautiful, her breath coming out in a pleading whisper. “Because we’re friends.”

“Because we’re us, because despite how much of a dick I have been to you and everything I have done, you mean more to me than just some friend I can have a simple conversation with.” He stood before her, not too close but close enough that she could see every line on his face, and he could see the begging denial on hers. “But you’re right, I shouldn’t have done what I did, and I’m sorry for how it effected you and for nearly getting you injured.” A sigh left her mouth as he stepped away, breath flooding back into her lungs.

“You know, once upon a time, I would have done anything you asked of me and backed you in every twisted decision you made.” Hermione whispered as Sirius flinched. “And I believe you won’t do it again, not that anyway, but I find it hard to believe that somehow I won’t end being hurt by the next mistake you make.” It was harsh, but she was done, she wanted this to be done.

“I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you for what’s happened, and I won’t hold onto it but I think we both know that too much has happened for us to go back to whatever we were before.” Her words were whispered and her eyes were strangely watery as Sirius nodded his head.

“That doesn’t mean we can’t try.” So hopeful, he wanted so much but couldn’t seem to try to even get there. “We’ll be okay, right?”

She wanted to answer with an affirmative, nod her head and give him a grin, see that hope still shine in his eyes, but the words caught on her throat and doubts crept into her head, swirling around and darkening her thoughts. They were only okay when Sirius was, it always depended on him and how he felt and never her.

Instead she wet her lips and looked away with a frown. “I don’t know – maybe one day.” It seemed cruel and his whole body seemed to sag as he nodded his head. She offered him a soft smile, gathering her supplies and heading towards her bed, feeling her stomach clench as she heard him all but fall back onto the chair with a sigh.

...

Saturday the 13^th of March 1976

James was talented, Hermione had always been aware of this – she had known him pretty much all her life and he was her brother. And she loved him.

That being said, she did not understand why her presence was required in watching yet another Quidditch match that she knew he would win, and also being forced to stand in the presence of some rather rowdy Hufflepuffs who seemed to have broken out of their kind natured shells to shout insults at the team in red.

“Do we have to stay for the whole match?” Hermione whispered to Zach, his arm around her should in an attempt to try and keep the chill away from her.

His eyes crinkled and he chuckled as he looked down at her, using his other hand to tug on a curl and pull her closer into him. It sent tingles down her whole body and made her feel like she was high or drunk with lust, wanting nothing more than to drag him somewhere and carrying on exploring all the places she had yet to see.

Or do the one thing they had yet to do.

So instead of doing that when the castle was all but empty and no one would be walking in for a good couple of hours, she was stood here being forced to watch her team compete. To feel the chill when they sped by her, ruffling up her already imperfect hair and sending another cold chill over her body.

Perhaps she was being too negative, maybe she should be cheering and shouting like Lily and Remus were, or even like the boy before her who sneered at everyone and everything.

“Come on Hufflepuff!” He screamed, hands almost smacking Hermione in the face as he leaned over the railing. “Little pussies have got nothing on us.” He chuckled, some of his Hufflepuff’s slapping his back like it was the funniest joke in the world.

“Lot of big talk from a bunch of weasels.” Zach muttered as the boy turned around to face him and Hermione let out a sigh. Of course it was Smith, man was the cockiest Hufflepuff there ever was.

“Badger are known for being ferocious predators.”

“And lions are known for having strong jaws and being the king of the animal world – and seemingly the Quidditch one too.” Zach pointed out as Marlene scored another goal, looping around the pitch to her adoring house and laughing at the pouting Hufflepuffs.

“Yet you all still bend down to your slag bitch of a girlfriend the moment she growls -” Hermione could see it coming the moment both them opened their mouth and started the worst insult battle she had ever seen. They should have seen it coming too.

“And Gryffindor scores again and – wait – why’s Potter got the Beater’s bat?”

For no one insulted Hermione when her friends and brother was around, especially her brother – who had taken control of the beaters bat and flung the bludger straight at the boy, Smith’s eyes going wide with terror, even as Sirius flung before him, sending the boy backwards as he gently tossed the bludger away from the stands with a grin and a wink.

Hermione watched him go with a small smile as Smith laid on the floor shaking, muttering about how he was an inch away from death.

“It seems Smith is running his mouth again – can’t say I blame Gryffindor for giving him a little scare – though Professor McGonagall would like me to remind her team that any further threats will be met with detention – though I can say Professor, I don’t think Black and Potter care too much.” The commenter rambled on, continuing afterwards as Remus reached out to help up Smith.

A small yelp left his mouth as he was pulled face to chin with the werewolf, tired and a few days off the moon and now clearly pissed. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t have to because Smith was staring at him with wide scared eyes that one little shove was all it took for the boy to turn tail and leave.

...

Tuesday the 16th of March 1976

“Snape!” Hermione called out as the rest of the class headed towards dinner, or in some cases towards the hospital wing and then the Whomping Willow.

Snape turned, looking over from his desk as he slowly packed up his things, black eyes staring at her unsure before they flickered to the rest of the classroom and his whole body tensed as he seemed to realise they were alone. “Potter.”

“I need to speak with you.”

“And I am not interested.” She glared as she leaned against the door before he could make his way there, making sure her wand was safely tucked up her sleeve. “What do you want?”

“To make sure you stay exactly where you are supposed to tonight.” There was no point stretching this out, she would make sure he stayed in the castle even if it meant spending the entire evening and night locked in this room.

“Don’t worry, I had no plan of repeating things.” Snape hissed at her, flicking his greasy locks out of his face as Hermione tried not to grimace. He didn’t make things easier for himself, she was sure the boys bathroom stocked on things like shampoo – it wasn’t that hard to use.

She would give him some tips but she doubted it would go over well, so instead she settled on. “And you’ve kept your mouth shut?”

“Not through choice – Dumbledore made it very clear what would happen if I was to tell your friends secret.” Snape hissed out, glaring at her from across the classroom before his lip turned into what could have been a smile. “So I guess you can run along to your little pet and let him know.” Hermione let out her own scoff, the wood of her wand tickling against her skin.

“Would you believe that Remus thought you wouldn’t say anything?” Hermione asked and Snape seemed surprised, if not a bit annoyed. “I doubt it, I know you – so desperate to be accepted by the Purebloods who will only ever see you as less – so I don’t doubt that you won’t look for a loophole.” She whispered the words with a taunting smile.

“I made an unbreakable vow.”

“Good – then you best hope that if you find some way to reveal Remus’ secret, that you run and hide somewhere far away because Merlin knows I’ll find a way to finish what the unbreakable couldn’t.” Her teeth flashed in the light, and Snape shivered slightly. “That was all.”

Her smile became more polite as she swung her bag onto her shoulder and threw a half hearted wave to him before her hand reached for the handle.

“You’re just like them, you know, that family you try so hard to pretend you aren’t related to.” For once his words weren’t cutting, but they cut Hermione deeper than she wanted to admit, even as she raised a simple eyebrow and looked to him.

“Those people wouldn’t protect their own – sometimes Snape, sharing blood does not mean they are family – it just means they might be a nice donor for blood or a kidney and nothing more.” Hermione explained with a shrug of her shoulders. Though she doubted her father would happy to spare an organ if she needed one.

“You’re a Potter -”

“I am, but not by the one you are thinking of, but by the parents I chose, who raised me and showed me kinder morals than those I share a name and blood with.” She spoke softer than she ever had to him, even as he glared at her. “You could have had the same, you could have walked away from the hate and anger your father showed but you didn’t, you’re straying down your own version of the same path – marked and filled with hatred.” Her eyes drifted to his arm where she knew the mark lingered.

“You shouldn’t talk about things you don’t understand.”

“You think I don’t understand what it is like to have a father who is cruel and unkind?” Snape flinched, and opened his mouth. “My true father, the one you hint towards, murdered my mother while I watched – you can not victimise yourself when most people at this school deal with similar, if not the same situations as your own, and yet they do not go spewing hatred or marking themselves – you think you are unique, that you are special, but you are more of the same.”

It was cruel but not untrue. Her parents, whether Granger or Potter, excluding Octans, had never abused her mentally or physically, but it didn’t mean other parents hadn’t. She had heard tales for plenty of people at their school about how they were smacked for being rude, how their fathers were drunks or their mothers didn’t care.

A sign of the times, where parents could hit their kids and wives, and it wasn’t seen as something too wrong, no matter how much it was. It wasn’t right, and if she could change it she would, but it was more normal than most thought.

“Perhaps I wouldn’t have taken this road, the one you so despise, if you hadn’t had taken Lily from me...if I had someone -”

“You would have done the same, you were already preparing to the same the moment you got your letter and those whispers started.” Hermione snapped with a shake of her head. “Do not pin this on me, when you have done this to yourself.” He was always so eager to blame someone else.

“It’s not as easy to walk away from now, it’s not as easy to pretend I don’t disagree with what he says.” Her heart stopped as she watched him, black eyes flitting with an emotion she wasn’t sure she could understand.

“I imagine not.”

“Maybe one day I will, could be tomorrow or when I complete my first task, but Merlin knows I can’t walk away from this now.” He whispered, and for a second she thought they were having some kind of moment.“I don’t want to walk away from this.” But it was gone as he spoke.

“Even if it costs your friendship with Lily permanently?” Even if it gets Lily killed? The voice whispered for her, the words a second away from spilling out.

He stared for a second, straightening his back and narrowing his eyes. “Even then.”