A bad wizard
Harry was enamored with Malfoy manor, enthralled the moment they stepped onto the grounds. The manor was nothing like Carrickfergus, old and crumbling, a mass of hewn stones, mossed over and wind blown. No, Malfoy manor was a gleaming, alive castle, with polished floors and wide open glass windows peering down into flowering gardens overflowing with life in the midsummer season.
Narcissa showed them to their cells, bedrooms, of course - ornate and ostentatious. A Jack and Jill style bathroom connected the rooms, allowing them to walk between to find one another. Narcissa said Draco was still prone to coming into the master bedroom at night to crawl into bed with her and Lucius, that she had wanted to make sure Harry could crawl in with Severus just the same. She didn’t want the poor boy to miss his father, especially in such a big, new place. How considerate.
Harry had run to his bed and jumped onto it. It was bigger than his at home and he was sure to tell Narcissa as much as he deposited Snow into the covers and Wus settled onto a pillow.
“Do you still enjoy brewing, Severus?” She asked, knowing the answer but questioning him anyway.
“Yes,” he answered, short, staring at Harry and knowing, knowing it was going to be hard to keep reminding him to be on guard.
“Lovely, the potions lab will of course be open to you at any time,” she said and Severus barely withheld from rolling his eyes. The Malfoy potions lab was a sight to behold, equipped with all manner of frivolous equipment meant for little more than looking important. “Let me show you to it.”
Severus shook his head, holding his hand up, “Later, if that suits, I’d like to settle in with Adam for a short while.”
Narcissa smiled, but behind her gaze there was no deeper expression and that told Severus enough. She was not keen on him taking too much time alone with Adam. The mask she wore was neutral and in that blankness there was a distinct danger. “Of course. I’ll be in the solarium with Draco, he’ll be done with tutoring by now. Find us when you are done.”
It was not a suggestion.
She did not even bother to ask if he remembered where the solarium was.
The door clicked behind her and Severus sat in the bed beside Harry, casting an intricate layer of silencing and privacy spells. Harry caught the action and settled worriedly beside him.
Severus started, “We need to be careful.”
“She’s not a friend?”
“No.”
Harry slid into his lap, warm in a way that settled some of the anxiety in Severus’ chest.
“We are prisoners,” he said bluntly. “She has the library and will not give it to us unless I complete a task.”
“What task..?” Harry asked, hands curling against his robe and for a moment Severus thought of Merlin in his lap too, playful, free, happy even as he worried over Arthur.
“I-” Severus bit the inside of his cheek. Should he tell Harry about Sirius? He had not gotten the chance to think about such a thing. “I am not sure yet.”
And that both was and was not a lie.
He knew he had to fix Sirius, but he did not know how. Splitting hairs one could say he technically did not know what he had been asked to do. No instructions had been left for him, no path to follow. Strictly speaking his task was undefined — it was only his goal that was set.
He knew it was a thin, useless distinction.
Still, he hated lying to Harry and the mind was a wonderous thing, it could complete all kinds of twists and turns to convince Severus he wasn’t lying, not really anyway.
“We don’t know how long we’ll be here, do we,” Harry said, more fact than question, “That's why we brought Wus and Snow.”
“Yes,” Severus said, and then, “Look at me.”
Harry did, holding his gaze, tension radiating through his form.
“You’ll have to be Adam while we are here, no matter what. Even if you become friends with Draco, you mustn’t tell him.”
“Are you really his godfather?” Harry asked.
“I am.”
Harry frowned, “The dog said he was my godfather. Was that true?”
No.
The word sat in his mouth, a breath away, a flex of his vocal cords — a lie, a sweet, beautiful, dangerous lie. Severus longed to let it form in the air between them. He had told Harry before that Order members would lie to him, that they would say anything at all to get Harry, that they would confuse him, manipulate him. If he said that Black had lied then Harry would believe him.
“Yes,” he said instead and hated himself for it. He knew it was better to tell the truth about Black being his godfather at this juncture — that it was likely that Narcissa would tell Harry about Sirius, or that after Severus fixed him the damn dog would just tell Harry again and Severus wouldn’t be able to keep up the facade. But he still hated the need for such honesty. Being honest now prevented Harry breaking down later when he realized Severus had lied to him, but it still dug up something sickly and tar warm in his chest to have to tell the truth.
Why did it have to be Sirius Black?
Why?
He knew, he knew he had not been in any position to be named Harry’s godfather at the time of his birth, that he had been a loyal Death Eater then and better off far, far away from Lily but how could she have allowed Sirius Black to be selected as her son’s godfather?
It was beyond him.
Or maybe it wasn’t. James, the arrogant asshole, undeserving of even the sparcest of Lily’s attentions, had likely pushed the idea onto her, had said you know who would make a great godfather, a wonderful influence - my overgrown, flea bitten, mutt of a friend. Surely Black could be trusted with children, surely he was a wonderful choice. God, maybe he should consider himself lucky they hadn’t picked the damn werewolf or oh, the traitor Death Eater. Although, Severus didn’t have much to say regarding that last point. He too was a traitor Death Eater after all, pot, kettle, and all that.
“He’s my… family,” Harry said and a part of Severus, his bone marrow perhaps, evaporated, “Like you are to Draco and Narcissa.”
“Yes.”
“An Order member.”
“Yes.”
Harry slid off his lap and onto the beautifully tiled floor, his small hands clenched at his side. “He said he loved me — before I took everything, he said he loved me.”
Severus did not want to have this conversation, not now, not ever. “I told you Order members would say anything to get close to you,” he bit out, and that was true, but it also didn’t change the fact that Black had likely been speaking the truth as well. For as much as he hated the man Severus knew that Sirius would have loved Harry.
“But what he said was true. He is my godfather, my family.”
Severus looked away. This time he did not answer.
Harry asked something else horrible as the silence stretched, “Do you love Draco?”
“I love you,” Severus answered because he didn’t love Draco and how could he? He had never met the boy and despite Narcissa using the term ‘family’ he knew he was not bound to the Malfoys in such a way.
Harry did not seem to like this response. He turned away from Severus and the anger crackling in the air about him, ambient magic and pure psychological pressure, should not have come from a boy. “Why is Narcissa bad?”
“I- she has the library. She is keeping it from us.”
“Don’t lie.”
“I am not lying.”
“No,” Harry said and he turned back and Severus saw that his eyes were red, “but it doesn’t matter.”
Harry could tell Severus was not telling the whole truth, that he was not being forthright with him. Severus saw that turmoil in the hard set of his jaw, how his hands shook. Because for as smart as Harry was, for as much as he seemed to know at any given time, for as clever and incisive as he could be, he did not have the language to name Severus a deceiver because from his perspective Severus had never hidden anything of great importance from him.
This was a big change and one he couldn’t put his figure on. He was scared and frustrated.
Severus knelt before him.
“Harry,” he said, reaching out and Harry shuffled towards him. Severus realized he was at a crossroads.
Would he tell the truth now?
Could he?
Their safety aside, did Severus even have the heart to?
“Narcissa’s husband is a Death Eater, that is why she is dangerous,” and perhaps it was enough to just say that. He hoped it was worth it in the end.“He will be in this house and so, for your safety there are some things I cannot tell you.”
“Why not?” Harry looked so small in his arms, resting his face against Severus’ chest.
“If Narcissa’s husband, Lucius, suspects you know anything important, anything I am hiding from him, he may try to get the information out of you. He may hurt you,” Severus said, running a gentle hand through Harry’s always untamable hair, “So I cannot tell you the truth. I do not want to lie, but more than that I do not want to put you in danger — more than you already are, at the very least.”
Harry looked up at him and Severus found himself, not for the first time, taken aback by the green of his eyes, the emotions that could flash so clearly through them. “Why are you Draco’s godfather when his dad is a Death Eater?”
Severus winced and pulled back and spoke, despite his best efforts to hide some things, an absolute truth — one he had told Harry before, but that Harry had never accepted.
“I am a bad wizard.”