the Camping Trip
James had let Sirius tease him about spending the night with Lily, but really nothing had happened. Well, a little bit had. But he wasn’t about to tell Sirius anything, for fear that he would be teased even more. And it was mostly true that they had just talked, for the first bit anyway.
But James couldn’t help but look at Sirius a little bit sideways. When he had stepped out of his tent late in the evening to grab his bag and pull it inside, he’d noticed that the tent on the far end had been silenced, and when they’d all gotten up, he’d learned that Sirius and Remus had shared that one.
After Sirius’ not entirely supportive reaction to Remus coming out, James couldn’t help but worry about what had happened. When James and Sirius had walked over to where Remus stood on the far end of the beach earlier in the evening, James had wanted Sirius to express support. Something - anything - would have been nice. Their friend had reached out to them and made himself vulnerable, sharing something deeply important with them, and Sirius had barely been able to look him in the eye while James had been there.
Sirius had hung back to share a smoke with Remus, and James had hoped that he would be supportive then. But had they gotten into some sort of fight?
James had worried about it for a little while, but then he’d gotten so preoccupied with Lily that he’d forgotten all about it until he noticed the silencing spell.
And now he was worried again.
Sirius and Remus seemed fine today, but had they been arguing last night? They often fought. In fact they often got into heated rows over the smallest thing, James would hate to think that Sirius had gotten into some sort of argument over this of all things. That would be pretty unforgivable, and Sirius would have to apologize immediately.
James could recognize that it was a big deal for Remus to tell them. He’d been silent about it for so long, and he finally spoke up now, in front of everyone all at once? That must have taken guts.
If Sirius had been rude to him, James was ready to kick his ass.
So he pulled him aside when everyone else was busy, and they walked down the beach together.
Sirius seemed apprehensive.
James figured that the best approach was to be direct and get straight to the point. “Mate,” he finally said, when they were out of sight of their friends. “Were you fighting with Moony last night?”
Sirius stopped and cocked his head to the side, seeming genuinely confused. “What? No.”
James was undeterred. “You didn’t give him a hard time about coming out, right?”
Sirius scrunched up his face in confusion. “No, where is this coming from? We got along fine.”
James watched him carefully, but couldn’t read his expression. He sighed.
“You used Sonoro Quiescis on your tent, I thought maybe you were fighting and didn’t want us to hear.”
Sirius started laughing. James couldn’t see what was funny, but Sirius seemed highly entertained.
“No, it wasn’t that at all, no fighting, I promise.”
James blew out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He trusted that Sirius was telling the truth. He certainly didn’t seem agitated.
“Okay,” he said. “But why the silencing spell then?”
Sirius looked at him, really looked at him, and then sighed. A thousand emotions crossed his face in an instant, but James couldn’t understand any of them. He rarely felt so out of touch with his best friend.
Finally, Sirius squared his shoulders and stood up a little straighter. After a moment, he raised his eyebrow, and got a cocky sort of smile.
“We silenced our tent for the same reason you silenced yours.”
James could feel himself blushing. He didn’t want to take the bait, but he couldn’t help it. “Oh, um, talking?”
Sirius was grinning, but it was a confident, sarcastic sort of thing.
“Yeah, talking, if you want to call it that.”
James shook his head rapidly, unwilling to give a straight answer on everything that had happened. He felt he owed it to Lily to protect her honor. He loved her, and felt the deepest need to take care of her in that way.
“Really, nothing like you’re thinking happened,” he said defensively.
Sirius laughed, and James could feel himself giving into the moment, and he laughed too.
“Whatever you say,” Sirius said.
James realized after a moment of contented silence that Sirius had changed the subject and hadn’t actually answered him. He’d sort of…suggested something, but hadn’t actually said it in as many words, and James needed him to clear that up. It didn’t make sense the way it had been suggested, so he had to ask.
“Sirius,” he finally asked, “what did you really mean?” Sirius looked at him. “About why you silenced your tent?”
Sirius took a deep breath and nodded to himself. “It wasn’t the first time. We were getting together on and off since before Christmas.”
James’ eyes widened and he felt himself take a sharp involuntary breath. “You- What- Since Christmas?”
Sirius nodded, an almost sympathetic look in his eyes. As though it hurt him to admit he’d held something back from James. They were like brothers, James thought, and this had to be the biggest secret either of them had ever kept from the other, if it were true.
“Yeah, and I was never brave enough to tell you.”
“Brave?” James asked immediately, “Why would you have to be-” and he cut off. “Oh.” Suddenly he felt a deep sadness for Sirius, that he hadn’t felt strongly enough that his friends wouldn’t be judgmental. It hurt him to know that his best friend had felt scared of his reaction.
“I’m sorry you felt like you had to be brave. I don’t care at all. I mean, I care. But not that kind of care! More I’m confused. You had so many girlfriends! Was that…?” He let his voice trail off. The thought had occurred to him while he was making his awkward little speech, and he couldn’t help but wonder.
“It was fine,” Sirius said, “It was good sometimes. But Moony…Moony makes me feel the way you’re supposed to feel, I think.”
James’ eyes widened. “Wow.”
“Don’t tell him I said that,” he said quietly. “I’m not ready to tell him. But I think I can tell you. I trust you.”
“Yeah?” James asked. His heart soared, that Sirius was feeling so open with him. In an instant the fact that he’d held back the secret for so long no longer mattered. Suddenly it just felt nice that they were past that, and back to being best friends who told each other everything.
“Yeah,” Sirius replied, a smile tickling the corners of his lips.
James couldn’t pretend he wasn’t surprised, or confused, and he couldn’t help but ask Sirius a hundred questions as they started walking even further away from their tents. They had a lot of ground to cover, metaphorically, so they extended their walk.
It made no sense at all.
And yet it made so much sense. And by the time Sirius was finished explaining, James thought he understood even more than Sirius had been willing to say out loud.
Sirius and Remus were passionate for each other in a way that he’d rarely seen. It wasn’t perhaps always healthy, but Sirius was emphatic that even when they fought, he was crazy about him.
And James was inclined to believe him.