May The Flowers In Your Garden Survive Harsh Winters. May Some Kindness Keep Them Alive
The loud sound of the train departing jolts James out of his thoughts.
He can’t believe how quickly fourth year went.
Between his outings with Scorp and balancing the rest of his life, it feels like yesterday he was on the train last time.
James is anxious. What he is about to attempt is risky but also necessary.He has already planned an excuse if somebody should wonder what James is doing in the Slytherin’s compartments. Flirting with a girl always seems to work. How no one has caught up to the fact that James hasn’t as much as looked at a girl is beyond him.
He has to pass four compartments before he finds his target. Thankfully no one spots him till then.
Scorp is sitting alone frown deep on his face. As James comes in, he is immediately hit with a “Oh so now you come back you little shi-“ before Scorp sees who is actually at the door.
“Sorry,” he flushes red, “I thought you were your stupid brother.”
James raises his eyebrows at that. It’s the first time Scorp mentions his brother since the start of their... friendship.
“What did Albus do?” he asks carefully, not sure if this is one of their unspoken boundaries he should better leave alone. “Don’t call him that, he doesn’t like it.” Scorp snaps offended on his friend's behalf “And he is an idiot. A true dumbass, too proud to listen to anything except for his own dramatic self!” James snorts at that, rarely meeting this side of Scorp, and hisses right after when Scorp pinches him as punishment.
“Ok, what happened?”
Scorp's normally perfect posture breaks at that, the boy folding into himself, suddenly looking defeated. “ I told him about us.” He admits and James tries really hard to ignore how the word 'us', referring to him and Scorp as one thing, makes him feel “He has been curious about who I’ve been spending so much time with lately and just wouldn’t stop pestering so I told him”
James can already tell it didn’t go well, but still, he asks “What did he say?”
“ That I’m so desperate to be accepted and seen that I’m willing to be stepped on by you since he thinks the only reason you would ever hang out with me is for some elaborate prank,” his friend sounds truly hurt by then “and it’s not like I haven’t thought about that being a possibility at the beginning-“ James is about to interrupt “-but I don’t think you would go as far as faking multiple panic attacks for that. Also even if it were a prank, I would still have tried to help you go through them.”
“Scorp-“
“-you know Al has never said such mean things to me before. He has never called me a desperate idiot and- I don’t know. I guess I’m surprised by how much it hurts. He even says he’ll go spend this summer with the Weasleys, that he prefers that to such a naïve idiot.” At seeing Scorp defeated form James feels for the first time anger instead of guilt towards his younger brother.
“Don’t worry Scorp, Albu- Al has always been a hothead. He’ll get over himself soon enough and regret spending summer with us as soon as he steps foot in the house.”
Scorp smiles at that, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Then he shoots him a pensive look "By the way, why are you here?” he asks. It is then, that James remembers the actual purpose of his risky visit. “I- eh,” he starts, ever so elegantly “wanted to give you this.” as he takes out a small present from his robe.
Scorpius looks at him quite surprised “Is- is that for me?” he asks, voice only slightly above a whisper. James blushes as he says ‘yes’. Scorpius unwraps the present slowly, whether because he is unsure or because his hands are shaking remains unknown and a small gasp leaves him as he reads the title of the pocketbook;
The Parallel
Poems of parallel paths that meet in the middle
“I found this- well actually Miss Harriet recommended it to me and it’s a great collection. It speaks of the duality of one’s spirit and meeting a kindred spirit in unexpected places, which- I don’t know, felt pretty on brand for us and-“
“-I love it.” Scorp thankfully interrupts him “Thank you.”
There it is again James thinks. The emotion he doesn’t dare name hits him again at the sight of Scorpius' expression filled with another emotion James also doesn’t feel ready to name. And- are those tears in his eyes?!Oh Merlin, James didn’t prepare for this. Thankfully some Slytherin comes in right then and James leave the compartment with a quick “No pretty girls here either, too bad”.
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Summer before fifth year is horrible.
Al starts an argument with any and every person who even as much as looks at him. His parents are pissed off, not understanding where his attitude suddenly came from. Lilly acts like a brat, because of hormones James guesses but doesn’t really care, and all the while his brother’s hateful eyes follow him everywhere.
It is during dinner at the Burrow at the beginning of July that James snaps. Al had made one too many passive-aggressive comments as his parents roasted James because of his reputation as a Player and James is done. “That’s fucking it! I’m fucking sick of you guys, especially you Al! I’m going to bed.” Is what he yells as he stands up and storms out of the room.
A few hours later, after midnight James goes up on the roof of the Burrow, a new hiding place he discovered that summer.
As he lights his cigarette, a new habit he had developed, a voice behind him says “You are such a prick, you know?”
James almost falls off the roof, thankfully his reflexes, one of the only good things to come out of being a Quidditch player, keep him alive.
“Merlin’s pants Al, what the hell?”
His brother sits a few tiles above him, a pensive look in his eyes.
“That’s the second time you have done that. Why?”
“Done what?” he asks, patience too fragile for stupid games.
“Called me Al. No one in the family has ever done that. Why have you started now?”
After thinking about what the best plan of action is for a few beats he decides the simple truth to be his safest bet. “Scorp told me. He said you don’t like being called Albus.”
The only sound for a while is the crickets in the garden.
“Why did you never tell us you don’t like it?” he adds after a while.
“I’d think it was obvious that I don’t. I don’t understand how you or Lilly can like them,” is the response. “ After all they are the reminder that we will never be our own people, instead we are the ghosts of our father’s losses, a desperate attempt to keep the past alive. And that’s not fair to us. I shouldn’t have to hold the names of morally grey wizards our father had some weird hate/ codependency thing with.”
James isn’t quite sure what to answer to that. So he says what has been on his mind since the train ride home.
“It’s not a prank you know. My thing with Scorp.” He starts “I really, really like him. And I’m sorry if in your eyes I have become the kind of person that cheats people like that, but I would never do such a thing. And I understand that you hate me,” he admits as the stars shed light on his brother’s face “but please, please, don’t hate Scorp. He doesn’t deserve that. He loves you so much and the things you said to him at the beginning of summer really hurt him. He doesn’t have anyone except for you and me and I don’t have anyone except for him so please, I know it’s selfish to ask this of you, but don’t take him away from me. And don’t leave him either. Because I need him, but he also needs you.”
He has been talking for far too long and getting into very dangerous territory but he needs to say this “Scorp is wonderful. I know that and if you have any clue about this world, so do you. I just don’t think you should give up on something so magnificent as Scorp just because of an insignificant jerk like me,” is his closing statement.
Nobody says anything for a long time, but as the sun rises and Al leaves the roof, the air they share suddenly feels lighter than it had in years.
On his Birthday James receives gifts from all of his relatives, but no gift means as much as the small package, neatly wrapped that arrives by owl in the morning. There is no letter attacked, but James has a feeling of who it could be from. Inside is a beautiful notebook. The gold-gilded drawings move, creating galaxies and constellations. On the first page there is a small paragraph written in elegant, beautiful calligraphy James has gotten quite familiar with in the past year and reads;
“You are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.”
-Nietzsche
I cannot take your pain away, neither can I make this world a more true and real version of itself, so that it might fit you better. All I can do is listen to and see all you hide below the surface, all the flowers the snow is still covering.
May this notebook be a place in which the snow will melt, if only for a few moments, and show the colors of the garden underneath.
James is awestruck and can't keep the tears from escaping him as he realizes that there is nothing more scary and beautiful than being seen.