Chapter 1
Sometimes i wish i knew what it would feel like to be human
To be one of them
To belong
Sometimes i wish i knew how they would treat me if i knew all the right things to say, to do
If i wore the right colors
If i wasnt haunted by my past
Would they think i belong?
Would they accept me?
I know ive made so many mistakes
Havent i worked out just a few of them?
Havent i changed just a bit?
The marks on me refuse to let me let go of my past
In some twisted way ive created more marks in attempt to get rid of those already there
I have to take work to keep myself sane
While others can meander around in life with a mind i long to achieve one day
The marks ive given others by lashing out
I dont know how to make amends
Draco Malfoy closed his journal, cursing as it slammed shut slightly too loud for the hour. The eighth year of Hogwarts was turning out exactly as he thought it would be. In others words, shit. It was difficult for all of the Slytherins to come back since the whole of school thought if them as vile disgusting death eaters but the hexes in the corridors, the muttering that other houses didnt even bother silencing when Slytherins drove near- that was what bothered Draco most. He flinched thinking about the time in Herbology just yesterday. The cut a Hufflepuff gave him using a ‘misplaced’ severing charm still stung. Professor Sprout had barely reprimanded the girl, muttering a halfhearted ‘well dont do it again’ when she explained that she was ‘trying to collect stalks of amberroot’ and it was entirely an accident.
It was not an accident.
Everyone knew that.
It was worse for Draco. Everyone knew that too. Which i deserved he thought bitterly, ignoring the slight twitch his dark mark gave. I had been a death eater. I deserve anything and everything bad coming to me. I deserve to pay for what ive done to those people.
Draco stumbled out of bed and peered into the ornate mirror covered with serphents, making sure his appearance was impeccable. If his life was in shreds he had to have some semblance of control over it. Otherwise hed go completely insane. As if i hadnt already he thought wryly.
The cut still stung. Knowing there was no way in hell he could fall asleep tonight he got up, intending to borrow some essence of dittany from Pansy. She had a stash of medical supplies, much needed by the attacks towards the Slytherins lately. He went down to the shared common room of the eighth years, hoping not to see any other houses members in there. He hated the new ‘inter house unity’ shit that McGonagall preached about. It just didnt work, having all the eighth years situated in the same common room just made things uncomfortable. Not to mention Draco couldnt sit with his friends in there, theyd get glowers from any other person.
He couldnt really blame them for hating him though. He hated himself too, as much as he didnt like to admit it. Draco didnt have any more time to mull over himself any longer as he spotted the dark head of Pansy sitting on a beanbag near the fire , flipping through what looked like a journal of her own.
‘Pansy why are you here?’ he said, worried. ‘Go to your bedroom, its dangerous. Someone can come down.’
He took a step closer, seeing as she obviously didnt hear him. ‘Pansy i-‘
The head of thick black hair turned revealing someone who was not in any way Pansy. Draco hissed a took a long step back, drawing his wand out of reflex. ‘Potter.’
The young man seemed just as startled as he was, closing the notebook quickly. ‘Malfoy. What dyou want this time? Your people lost. You dont need to bother me anymore or did you forget?’
Draco sneered, hoping that the flash of hurt he felt didnt show. ‘I was going to the girls dormitory to Pansy. Not like i have to justify myself to you.’
‘You cant go into the girls dormitory. It turns into a slide.’ Harry said bluntly.
‘I have my ways.’ he smirked to himself, thinking of all the times he, Blaise, and Pansy would go into her dorm room and get high. Times were simpler then. Apparently Potter had a filthy mind as he blushed slightly.
‘Thats disgusting Malfoy. Go think about shagging your girlfriend somewhere else.’ he said.
‘Im not.. ‘ his voice trailed off. What was he even doing here talking to the bloody git? ‘Fuck off Potter.’
Harry frowned. ‘Pansy is probably sleeping now. Its in middle of night. Why are you even awake?’
He was right, Draco thought. ‘I said fuck off. Why are you even talking to me?’ preparing to swish away he turned around. Essence of dittany can wait.
‘Malfoy!’ Harry said, unthinking.
Draco turned back, drawing his wand again.
‘Seriously you can put your wand away.’ Potter muttered. ‘Whats on your hand, youre bleeding pretty hard?’
‘Its not a second dark mark Potter. I didnt get re-initiated. You and your whole damn crew are safe now remember? For the third time today. Fuck. Off. Nobody needs your goddamn hero complex anymore. The whole wizarding world is safe’ Draco spat, venomous. ‘so you can stop having your bloody head in my ass all the time.’
This time he really did leave. Up in his dormitory he paced back and forth til the morning, reflecting bitterly.