Chapter 2
Im tired
I hurt all over
Being false to myself so i can be nice to another is bullshit
Fuck being nice
If im the chosen one why cant i do my own choosings?
Harry closed his journal with a sigh, exhaustion written all over his face. Malfoy had disturbed his usual writing time and by extension the rest of his night. Not like he even got much sleep anymore. The nightmares were enough for him to avoid sleep as much as he could.
Since the war the pictures of the empty bodies on the floor of the Great Hall were embedded in his brain. At nighttime it was worse, his nightmares of tears running down the eyes of everyone that he knew, silently asking him why he hadnt done more for them. Reminding him of his failures. Reminding them of those who had died in the battle that he had failed to protect.
Ron and Hermione didnt understand of course. Besides for that they were all over each other now that they were together, it was like Harry didnt exist anymore. There was nobody to confide in. Thats why McGonagall gave him a journal and instructed him to write at least a few lines once a day. It was helping, he supposed. He just wished it would help a little faster.
Vaguely he looked at his watch. ‘oh shit’ he muttered. It was breakfast and he was late. Again. Not like it even mattered, what would they do? Kick out the famous Harry Potter? Not unless they wanted to face massive public backlash.
Harry walked to the dining hall, dragging his feet. Once he came in he stayed by the entrance a bit.
‘Harry, hi! Come sit near me Rons being a git as usual.’ Hermione called.
Ron sputtered at the statement. ‘I just wanted to know if you could help with my History of Magic essay! i didnt finish it yet-‘
‘Didnt start it-‘ she corrected him.
‘Okay, didnt start it. But please help me’ Ron groaned theatrically. ‘ill fail otherwise.’
Hermione shook her head, a smile reluctantly sliding up her face. ‘Youre so damn lucky i love you Ronald Bilius Weasley.’
Ron turned towards Harry. ‘Mate what happened? You didnt tell Hermione and me to stop being up each others asses the way you usually do.’
He let the comment slide. ‘Malfoys up to something.’ he said.
Ron and Hermione gave each other a side glance, one that Harry irritably noted.
‘Harry- dont you think we finished with the war? Malfoy doesnt really look like hes up to something. Maybe youre just-‘ Hermione started.
‘Just what?’ Harry said, face starting to heat up. ‘Just being paranoid? Dont try to deny you were gonna say that. Dont give each other your fucking couple looks again either. If you want to say something say it out loud you fucking lot! I know shit you dont know and who was right in sixth year? You? Or the one youre calling paranoid right now?’
Ron moved protectively to his girlfriend. ‘Dont yell at her.’ he snarled. ‘Its not our fault youve gone mental.’
Harry blanched, shocked. ‘i went through a war. I died in the war and came back to fucking life. I killed Voldemort and youre saying im mental? WHO THE FUCK WOULDNT GO MENTAL FROM THAT?’ Harry took a deep breath, aware that half the hall was now staring at him. ‘Forget about it.’ he mumbled and walked quickly out of the room.
Ron bit his lip as though holding back more words and nodded briefly, Hermione pinching his knee.
Harry continued walking out to the common room. He had to catch his breath and calm down, not caring if hed miss a class or two. At the common room he picked up his journal and began to write a bit more.
I wish people knew what im going through
Nobody does
Not my best friends
Not my ex girlfriend
Its not easy being the one people look up to
When really i was just a sheep brought up to be slaughtered.
He thought back to when Voldemort touched him for the first time. The memory even brought him biting his lip in pain. Exhausted, he slumped back onto his bed and fell asleep. It was almost nighttime when Ron came into their room and mistakenly woke him up.
‘Oh shit. Look mate i wanted to say im sorry. What i said was mental i shouldnt have called you shit and stuff you know?’ he shifted his weight to one side then the other, obviously uncomfortable.
Harry looked at him with blank eyes. ‘Oh. Er its okay dont worry.’ hes probably right anyways. I am mental. Why should i hide it? Harry thought.
‘Okay good’ Ron smiled awkwardly. ‘Mate once were good do you mind.. Hermione and me wanted to use our room?’
Harry stared, not comprehending.
‘You know, to-‘ he made an obscene gesture, flushing slightly.
‘Sure i guess.’ Harry said. He got up and put his journal in his bookbag. ‘You should use her room next time. And dont touch my bed after.’
‘I cant go up the girls bloody stairs!’ Ron called.
‘Draco can you should ask him.’ muttered Harry. He sat down at the fire in the common room, staring into it. Of course Ron apologised he thought, he wanted to shag Hermione. He wasnt sorry.
It must have been a few hours later when Harry finally ventured back into his room. He didnt sleep the whole night, just staring at the ceiling.
Maybe they were right.