Chapter 7
Harry eagerly unwrapped the package from Thistle’s leg. McGonnogall’s Tawny owl was a short, stout little thing and was highly sensitive- if you waited too long to receive her, she’d tap incessantly until she broke the glass just to fly right up to the recipient, as if to shout ‘I’m here!’ Conversely, if you were too quick, she’d wait for you to open the package to see what was so interesting before flying away when she realised it wasn’t for her. Harry was sure to wait an appropriate amount of time before bounding to receive Thistle, summoning a bag of treats on the way.
Once Thistle left, Harry went back to the Library where his parents had been sitting with the windows thrown open, allowing a fresh breeze in to blow out the scent of parchment that tended to accumulate stuffily in the room.
“Look what I have” he smiled, tapping his fingers against the long and lean box.
McGonagall had replied to Harry’s missive saying that she would immediately get started on trying to find James and Lily’s wands the day they got home from the hospital. He wondered where Dumbledore must have put them or wanted to do with them since standard Auror protocol ordered that old wands be returned to the family or placed in special storage where they would be rendered powerless.
Lily and James looked up from their game of chess and clapped. Harry noted that once Lily had turned away, James quickly pushed one of her pieces two spots over, likely delaying her win by a few moves. He winked at Harry who settled happily by them on the floor, used to the cheekiness by now.
He was relieved to see Lily was looking much better after only a few days at home. Harry offered her his wand to perform small tasks like boiling water or a simple Lumos and it reinvigorated her but his wand was still a bit awkward in her grasp and he knew she missed the familiar feel of her own wand.
He tore the small twine ribbon off and lifted the lid off the box but faltered once he saw the contents within.
Both the wands had been snapped in half. The mahogany one was cleanly split down the middle with almost expert precision whereas the willow one was cut diagonally with cracks echoing up and down the wand like the sprawling roots of a tree almost akin to Harry’s scar.
Harry looked up at James and Lily’s excited faces again and felt his own heart stutter as he put the lid down on the side and solemnly handed them the box.
James grabbed it enthusiastically, his hazel eyes sparkling with residual magic only to dull a moment after, as if his inner fire was doused with an efficient Aguamenti. Lily mirrored his expression, reaching slowly into the box to pull out the remnants of her wand.
“What happened to them?” she asked sadly, feeling the splintered wood under her fingertips and aching from the loss of familiar spark that she felt whenever she held her wand.
Harry belatedly turned to open McGonnogall’s letter and scanned its contents quickly and he felt nothing but cold disappointment.
“She doesn’t know what happened to them, only that they were locked in some experiments cabinet” Harry sighed.
“Right,” James nodded, clearly upset.
Harry felt so bad at bringing his hopes up only just to tear them down again. It was like ever since coming to the present, everything had gone awry. Harry was used to disappointment but his parents weren’t and every obstacle felt like a blaring reminder of ‘You’re not supposed to be here!’ He wouldn't be surprised in Father Time showed up and snapped his fingers to set things to rights.
“I think I’m just going to go take a nap, I didn’t sleep well last night,” James muttered, dropping the pieces of his wand before standing up and stepping out of the Library morosely.
“Is he okay?” Harry asked his mum.
She considered for a moment before answering, “He’s…processing,” she started, “You know, back then, Sirius came over every other day even when we were in hiding. Remus would give letters to him to give to us so we would always stay in contact as well. Even Peter would come by when he had become Secret keeper. No matter what , we’d always be connected with the others and we had a sense of community. During the war, I lost a lot of my friends, Marlene, Alice, Dorcas, the Bones’, and in a way, Mary.” She idly moved her next chess piece, needing something to do with her hands, “I had time to process their loss and though I still miss them, I knew they were dead and could heal in my own time. James is just struggling to cope, I think, as it was all so sudden. Losing our wands is just another one of those things that we were so sure we had, until we saw that we don't.”
Harry felt out of sorts now, “I’m sorry. I can’t help but think I’m making it worse, keeping you guys in here when I’m sure you’d want to go out.” He constantly felt guilty about it, he knew his parents wouldn’t like being trapped at home but it was the only way to keep a semblance of stability to all of their lives, and the Wizarding World at large.
Lily assuaged him immediately, “Harry, we’ve spoken about it too and we really don’t want to deal with all of the chaos that would come with that. We enjoy our small circle as it is now.”
An idea suddenly struck Harry, “You know, we could always go to Diagon to get new wands, Hermione’s really good at Transfiguration, she could glamour you into entirely new people.”
The smile on Lily’s face and the spark in her emerald eyes had Harry sending a letter to Hermione immediately.
_______
She came by right after work.
“Harry I can’t help but comment on how risky this is” she tutted, stepping out of the Floo.
Harry wasn’t even phased at her immediate need to caution, “Yes I know but they really need this. It’s not just about the wands…they need a chance to go out, live like normal people for a bit.”
She nodded understandingly and Harry went up the stairs to tell his parents that Hermione had arrived and they both made an appearance moments later. James looked a bit better than before, some natural light entering his eyes and Lily looked excited as well, already wearing a new dress Harry and Hermione had bought for her when he realised he dropped the ball on that front.
“Right then, who do we want to look like today?” Hermione asked exuberantly, leading them to chairs that had been set next to each other, back to back, so that the reveal could be a surprise for both James and Lily.
Lily thought for a moment before shooting out, “Can you just make all my features the exact opposite of what they are now?”
“But I’ll miss your hair” James complained, twisting around to pull at a piece of her hair.
“I'll never forget you said I looked like a pygmy puff that caught on fire” she frowned, batting his hand away.
“In my defence, that was first year and you were a huge swot, I took it upon myself to humble you” he laughed.
“Ron used to make fun of my hair all the time, I’ll have to use that next time he says something smart” Hermione quipped, turning to get started on Lily, slowly waving her wand in slow arcs and twists across her face while Lily just closed her eyes serenely, ensuring she didn’t move at all lest she end up looking like a toad.
Harry went around to keep James company and they chatted extensively about Quidditch. James demanded to know about every single game he missed, which team was at the top of the charts, who was playing in the next matches, etc. He was ecstatic to hear Ginny was playing for the Holyhead Harpies and begged Harry to get them tickets for the next game.
Harry saw Lily’s fiery hair suddenly turn light as blonde colour began to seep from her scalp down past her shoulders and he wondered what his mum might look like without her striking features. Some time later, Hermione finished, waving her wand in a final flourish to conjure a mirror.
“Oh my god” Lily exclaimed and Hermione just stood up to sit by Harry to work on James.
“Any special requests?” she quipped.
“Surprise me” James smirked and she began the same ministrations.
They all chatted about current events that James and Lily might have missed out on, keeping the topics light just how Harry liked it. Lily had turned around at that point, propping her head on James’ shoulder and Harry was startled to look into the eyes of this new stranger but he could tell in the soft curve of her lips or the dimple in her cheek when she laughed that it was Lily, her happiness was unmistakable.
In the midst of a lull, Harry noticed his mum’s eyes shift and narrow while looking at Hermione and when Harry followed her eyeline, he noticed that Hermione’s sleeve had rolled up as James was much taller than she was and she had to reach slightly up to work on him.
“What’s that on your arm?” Lily asked lightly, taking on a curious tone as she tilted her head.
Hermione froze, her arms suspended in midair as she knew immediately what Lily was talking about before dropping them suddenly and rolling her sleeves down.
“We don’t judge tattoos you know, I mean Sirius was just addicted, tried to rope us into it getting them the time” James laughed but Hermione didn’t join him.
“It’s, erm, not a tattoo…it’s a scar I got, during the war” Hermione quieted.
“I’m so sorry” James and Lily immediately apologised, abashed.
“No it’s okay” Hermione breathed, “I’ve made my peace with it.”
Setting her wand aside, she slowly lifted the sleeve of her thin cardigan and exposed her left forearm to them.
She still kept the scar hidden most of the time, opting to wear long sleeves despite the temperature. She wasn’t necessarily self-conscious but she just didn’t like looking at it or having others look at her with pity or sympathy. It was like how Draco covered his arms still, despite everyone’s acceptance of him, it was just something he wasn’t quite ready to face. They were both on their own personal journeys of acceptance and healing.
James and Lily gasped at the sight. The word had faded just slightly since that night but not enough. The lines still held a bit of red at the centre of each line threateningly- should she move too fast or do exert herself any more than the bare minimum, it would tear itself anew in revenge.
“Bellatrix gave it to me when we were caught on the horcrux hunt” she said absently, running a finger along the jagged edges. “The dagger was cursed so I’m stuck with it.”
Harry was surprised to see tears bloom in Lily’s eyes as she stood up and held her hands out in question. When Hermione nodded once, Lily jumped and wrapped her arms around her tightly and Hermione did the same in return.
“Oh love, I’m so sorry” Lily cooed lightly.
She pulled back slightly, “You are so much more than your scar and I’m amazed to see you handle it so gracefully dear. I’m not sure if you know but I’m a muggleborn as well, as were some of my best friends. There were always nasty people but we had each other and we got through the torment, so I’d like you to know that you have me in your corner.”
Hermione nodded quickly, tentatively going back in for a hug that Lily accepted.
“I don’t know how much Harry has told you about my erm, situation, but that really means a lot, thank you” Hermione said as her cheeks pinked and her voice cracked with emotion at the mention of her parents.
“He has told me and I am going to tell you the same thing I told Neville okay? I am here for you, anytime, crisis or not. I know I can never replace your parents but I hope you know you can always come to me, even just for a chat. I lost my parents when I was young and I know what that’s like but I cannot imagine how you must feel. You are a true Gryffindor” Lily stated, infusing strength into Hermione.
Harry watched in awe and felt his heart ready to burst at the sight of the two of them bonding. He hadn’t even realised he wanted this until it happened and when he looked at James, he saw that he was wearing a similar expression.
It was clear Lily had always had a kind heart. It wasn’t just motherhood that gave her a certain propensity towards kindness but she had always been like this. Ready to offer a shoulder to anyone who seemed down or offer kind words in the midst of a tough situation to her friends and strangers alike.
After they were done, they all dressed and left in a hurry.
________
Diagon was as busy as usual. The sun was starting to set and families lined up and down the streets and in the midst of the cacophony, Harry could hear distantly make out the sounds of children laughing or music drifting out from storefronts.
Harry smiled at the familiar sight and James and Lily looked positively gleeful in their new getups. James looked at the mirror in outrage at his red hair and Hermione only winked at Lily but he was excited that his red converse matched his hair perfectly. Lily chose to wear a floral printed dress that was perfect for the occasion.
As they walked down the familiar street, Harry almost felt like he was the parent, having to continuously corral James and Lily past stores and display cases so they could make it to their desired destination first.
They came across Ollivanders that was recently refurbished after getting destroyed in the war. The gold letters gleamed in the sunset and the windows were so clean it’s as if they weren’t there at all and Harry poked it just to check. His fingerprint instantly disappeared and Harry marvelled at the cleaning charm.
They stepped inside and there was an unfamiliar woman at the counter who smiled cheerfully, “Hiya! How can we help you today? Oh Mr. Potter, good evening!”
“Good evening, my friend's wands were broken and we were hoping to buy new ones,” Harry said.
“That’s most unfortunate, I’m so sorry to hear that. Let me get my father, I’m still learning” she winked before heading down the narrow path lined with wands.
A moment later, Ollivander hobbled up at the front, holding onto his daughter’s hand to keep upright.
“Mr. Potter, what a delightful surprise” he greeted.
“Ollivander, how are you?”
“Sharp as always. My daughter says you are in need of some wands, yes?”
“Yes,” Harry answered, stepping back so his parents could step forward.
Ollivander looked at James first, staring for what felt like an immeasurable amount of time. It was only a moment but the intensity was unparalleled, the hazy film over his eyes seemed to recede as he stared at James before turning to Lily, analysing her with the same scrutiny.
“You had a mahogany wand didn’t you, 11 inches,...pliable” Ollivander mused and James nodded, startled at the accuracy.
“And you, willow, 10 and ¼ inches, and swishy, yes?” He was correct again.
“It is lovely to see you two again” he smiled before turning right around, muttering to himself as he picked out some boxes from the stacks that seemed to engulf his small frame.
After multiple trials, two broken light bulbs, and three charred floorboards, James and Lily were given two new wands, similar to their old wands but James’ was shorter and made of fir whereas Lily’s was less flexible and made of elm.
It suited them perfectly as they both managed to cast Lumos and Wingardium Leviosa without disaster.
Once they were checked out, Ollivander stepped around the counter and grasped James and Lily’s hands, “It is an honour to see you too again. Your bravery was not forgotten but instilled in your son, who has saved my life among many others.”
Abashed, Harry thanked the man and his daughter, Alia, before heading out.
As they stepped back into the now dark street, Harry looked at his parents, “Where to now?”
They both shrugged their shoulders and decided to just walk and see where the path would take them. It turned out the path took them into literally every single shop open, which was a lot. Some were still under construction but many had bounced back quickly after the war with the help of the Ministry.
James ended up buying the newest broom model along with an entirely new set of quidditch supplies while Lily had bought stationary, a stack of books, and a bouquet of lilies for the home. They ended the night by entering the Leaky Cauldron where they met up with Hermione who had brought Ron and Draco with her for dinner.
“Wow Granger, I’m impressed” Draco sat appraisingly as he eyed James and Lily to find any faults in her glamours but coming up blank.
"I got an O in transfiguration" she jabbed.
"Yeah yeah I did too, you're not special" Draco pointed out, unable to help himself, rising to the bait.
They ordered butterbeers and various comfort foods on the menu, chatting idly about their days and the changes to Diagon Alley since they had last been.
“Even the best brooms back then are nothing compared to these new models bloody hell. Can you just imagine how the quidditch matches would go if we had these ” James marvelled.
Ron didn’t hesitate and immediately began regaling just about every match they had played since first year and James followed along with rapt attention.
“So are you ever planning to come back to work?” Draco asked Harry quietly while the others were distracted.
Harry had been constantly battling with himself about it. He was grateful for the time off but he knew his time was dwindling and he’d have to go back soon but the idea only made him feel dread.
He loved being an Auror, but he couldn’t help but want a life of mediocrity. Most of the dark wizards had been rounded up right after the war and now it was just finding stragglers or dark artefacts if they were lucky. Normally it was paperwork and bureaucratic nonsense that Harry had no interest in.
It filled a void in him for a time but now, as he looked at his parents and friends, he knew he had other priorities.
He still hadn't mentioned the Defence Against the Dark Arts post McGonagall offered him a few days ago because he honestly wasn’t able to dismiss it as quickly as he thought he would.
The idea appealed to him greatly, especially after seeing Neville and how happy he seemed teaching the next generation. He wasn’t necessarily keeping it a secret, but something was holding him back from telling the others about it.
“Soon,” was all Harry said and Draco just nodded understandingly.
________
The night came to an easy close at Fortescue’s where they all got scoops of ice cream to enjoy on the patio. String lights hung in a web across the street, matching the stars that twinkled merrily in the clear sky and the distant chatter of patrons and music down the street created a delightful ambiance that made Harry never want to leave.
“So Harry, I was wondering if we could make a trip to Petunia’s sometime” Lily mentioned absently, scooping up her mint chip with a spoon, not realising her words had struck Harry like a hex.
He thought that she must’ve been holding this in for a while, perhaps waiting for a good time to bring it up. It made sense that she’d want to see her sister after so long because despite their troubles, coming back from the dead was a big deal. Harry honestly hadn’t even considered it.
He hadn’t seen any of them since he left that last time before the final battle. Wards posted around the house indicated that they had moved back to that house recently but he wished he didn’t know. Wished he could just say he didn’t know where they were and that was all but it would be too cruel.
It wasn't their fault after all, they didn’t know what Harry had gone through in that house under their care, if it could even be called that.
He felt his palms get sweaty and his heart thrum in his chest as he put his ice cream down, his appetite disappearing entirely and if anything, he felt nauseous.
He still had nightmares from his time there in which Petunia and Vernon were the main characters, Dudley the supporting act, and the setting was the cupboard under the stairs. They would shove him in the dark dusty cupboard except there wouldn’t be a window and he’d suffocate or Vernon would push him to the ground and kick him when he found out that Harry had stolen food in the middle of the night after they forgot to feed him for days. The worst part, they could hardly be called nightmares because these had all actually happened, they were simply memories.
He realised that he hadn’t spoken up for some time when he looked up and they all stared at him expectantly, wondering what he would say. Hermione, Ron, and Draco in concern, James and Lily in confusion.
His friends knew he hadn’t gone back to visit them and supported his decision wholeheartedly and sometimes he thought they might hate the Dursleys more than he did. At the same time, he didn’t want to deny Lily the chance to see her sister because of his own issues with them.
“What is it?” James asked quickly after looking at their faces.
“Nothing, it’s nothing,” Harry said quickly.
“It must be something, you look like you’ve just seen a boggart” James shot back.
Lily furrowed her brows in concern, “What’s wrong?”
Harry looked at his friends hopefully, wishing that they’d go along with it but they didn’t, their faces remaining stony as they watched Harry, likely remembering everything he’d ever told them.
Even they didn’t know the full extent of what he’d gone through. Draco only did because Harry had woken him up crying multiple times from nightmares because of them and he helped Harry worked through them and vice versa. He looked outright murderous at the new topic now.
“I just forgot-” Harry began but was cut off quickly.
“They’re horrible people” Draco finished curtly.
“What?” Lily gasped, looking around the table when no one disagreed.
Harry shot him a glare but he only rolled his eyes, still placing a reassuring hand on his knee under the table and Harry appreciated the grounding touch, grasping his hand like a lifeline.
“You know, you never told us about your childhood Harry, all your stories start at Hogwarts” James commented aloud suddenly, sitting up straighter in his seat as his mental gears began turning.
“I just never did anything before” he defended.
He paused for a moment before seeming to settle on something, “Tell me your favourite memory from before Hogwarts” he pressed and it struck Harry that James was technically an Auror. Granted, he never got the chance to be one officially because of the War but his work with the Order was quite similar and he surely had the same qualifications. Harry had the sense he was being interrogated.
Suddenly the happy atmosphere faded away, as if the colours and sounds had washed away, leaving him cold and empty in the cool night air. No one around them was looking at them but Harry felt like he was under a magnifying glass, forced to reveal his truths when he wasn't ready. He doubted he ever would be.
He didn’t have any favourite memories from before Hogwarts. All he had was memories of being beaten, yelled at, or starved. His favourite times were when he was simply ignored, allowed to just sit quietly in his cupboard with his lone toy soldier.
Harry began to chew the inside of his cheeks anxiously and he had the sudden urge to flee. James didn’t realise how cruel he was to ask such a question of Harry.
Only, it shouldn’t have been cruel.
Had they been asked the same question- Draco would have mentioned the first time he tried a broom or evenings spent walking around the gardens with his mum. Hermione would talk about going to work with her parents or her time in muggle primary school. Ron would probably detail stories spent outside in the land surrounding the burrow with his siblings.
They had childhoods full of happy memories.
Harry only knew abuse.
“Receiving my Hogwarts letter” was all Harry could whisper.
“Where was it addressed to?” Hermione asked not unkindly, only wanting his parents to know the truth. He kept his mouth shut and James and Lily looked desperately at Hermione for an answer. They were so confused as they looked at the four of them and Harry almost pitied them.
Harry sent Hermione a glare, hoping she wouldn’t say anything but then she continued.
“It was addressed to the ‘Cupboard Under the Stairs’” she answered quietly and Harry stood up quickly, his chair screeching behind him loudly.
“You have no right ” Harry seethed, his words coming out low and sharp so as to not draw attention.
“Harry I just think they should know-” she tried to explain but Harry didn’t allow her the chance.
He left with a loud crack and the table sat in stunned silence.
________
Harry wanted to yell or break something. The urge to destroy was overwhelming.
He didn’t know whether that was left over from the time he shared his soul with Voldemort or maybe that was his own damage but he was just so furious and his magic was pulsing through his veins, demanding to be expelled. His anger mixed with his despair that rendered him anxious and on the verge of a panic attack.
She had no right to expose that, but it was the truth wasn’t it?
He rushed upstairs to his room, slamming the door shut and locking it when he heard the arrival of the rest of his group. He paced anxiously, feeling his heart flutter against his ribcage and the tips of fingers tingling before hitting his back against the door, and giving up, instead choosing to slide down it slowly. He pulled his knees up and rested his head between his knees, wrapping his cool hands on the back of his warm neck to calm himself. Not wanting to throw a tantrum like Dudley would. He was past this wasn't he? Why was he still so triggered by it? Apparently the wounds ran deeper than he thought.
Gods he hated them. He hated the Dursleys for turning him into this mess. He hated them for robbing him of a childhood.
He still remembered when James asked how he knew how to cook. They assumed he learned for fun as a hobby but he learned because Petunia yelled at him for being a freeloader and that he was old enough to make them food and if he didn’t serve them all day every day, they’d kick him out.
And they did once, making him sleep in the garden when he woke up too late one day, missing breakfast.
Harry didn’t even realise he had started crying until he heard a quiet voice outside his door.
“Haris,” it was James.
Harry couldn’t respond, he knew anything he said would come out watery and strangled.
“Please open the door” he asked softly.
Harry just shook his head fervently to himself. He knew James couldn’t see him but he just needed to express his disapproval.
There was the sound of shuffling and James’ voice was much closer now and Harry thought he must have sat down as well.
“The others have gone home, it’s just us now” he whispered. “Can we talk please?”
He could have opened the door with his new wand if he really wanted to but he didn’t and Harry was grateful for that.
“I understand now…” he said sadly.
Harry just continued to wipe at his eyes with his sleeve angrily.
“Sirius had a troubled childhood…he never talked about it with anyone. He thought it was normal before he came to Hogwarts, thought all parents Crucio’d their kids for being too loud during dinner. I saw his scars once and asked him what happened, he didn’t realise that he was the only one with them. He started to open up then and I realised Sirius never knew love until he came to Hogwarts. Until he met us” James sighed, sniffling as well.
“I understand why you didn’t tell us just as he didn’t tell us. I just wish I was there for you, to protect you when no one else did.”
Harry felt the sob rip out of him then, physically shaking his body from the force. It was nice of James and Lily to hold his hand after a nightmare or make dinner with him at night but they weren’t there when he cried after falling on the floor or when Dudley would punch him for fun. To hear that Sirius went through the same mistreatment as he did made him sorrowful but Sirius was his role model and to know that he came out of it a good man made Harry feel slightly less alone.
“Regulus was perhaps worse. He thought he deserved what happened to him. Sirius constantly spoke out and got punished for it but Regulus was perfect, and still got cursed, as a sort of preemptive method. As a way to ensure he never even thought about getting out of line. He thought he was the problem and accepted the punishment.”
Harry always thought he deserved it too before he found out about magic. Thought maybe he was the freak Petunia believed him to be…
“It took him a long time to understand what love was. To know a kind touch or act could be done without ulterior motive, without a threat looming behind it.”
Harry continued to cry with James at his back and once he could control his breathing, he slowly opened the door and James immediately stood up though he didn't say anything, ready to respect any boundaries Harry might have but he didn't have any at the moment. They simply cried together then and Harry’s heart worked tirelessly to mend the holes that had ruptured anew tonight.
It only felt right that this moment was happening in Sirius’ room, a room that had seen more trauma and pain than any other. The house needed to learn that love was possible, that it wasn’t destined for just pain and generational curses.
_______
Lily listened to Harry and James’ conversation upstairs intently, thanks to her new wand and an amplification charm.
Hermione had gone into slightly more detail while Harry was gone and it was enough to make her blood boil to hear how Petunia had treated her only son. He was her nephew but she treated him like a house elf, perhaps worse than one and she thought there would be absolutely no consequences for her actions?
Lily thanked the gods for giving her this chance to see her sister again and have a nice, long chat.