Fight or flight
Regulus is sitting in the library, his back is aching from his hunched position, as his finger trails over the words. His gaze strays between his book and the letters from Narcissa. He sighs, shifting slightly in an attempt to ease the stinging pain.
“Will you ever read those any time soon or will you continue staring at them like they might bite you?” A voice asks him from beside him. Regulus’ head shoots up, staring at Peter Pettigrew, one of the marauders, as they call themselves. He scowls, wondering how long he had managed to sit there without Regulus noticing.
Regulus stays silent, his finger retreating as he feels Peter’s gaze lingering on them. They don’t say anything for a while, Peter pulling his leg closer to his chest.
Regulus focuses on the letters, they’ve been piling up and he knows that if he continues avoiding them, Narcissa will find him. Threaten him, although that was always Bellatrix's thing.
“Fuck off, Pettigrew,” Regulus eyes the book again, the words blurring together. Peter, doesn’t fuck off, he does the opposite. He reaches for one of the letters, with no thought to it at all, and Regulus swats his hand away with a scowl. “That’s not for you.”
Regulus gathers the letters, stuffing them in his bag and standing up. Peter groans, pulling him back down in his seat.
“Don’t go,” Peter begs desperately and Regulus sighs.
“If you’re here because of Potter–”
“I’m not,” Peter cuts in, fiddling with his fingers. Regulus’ eyes narrow, staring Peter up and down. He sets his bag down on the floor and crosses his arms. It better be good.
“Then what are you here for?”
Peter doesn’t answer for a moment, his cheeks flushed and avoiding Regulus’ gaze. “You have to promise me to not laugh.”
“I can’t promise anything. Spit it out.”
“I– I was wondering, since you’re here often, if we could– maybe study together?” Peter rushes out. Regulus blinks, opening his mouth before Peter hastily continues. “It’s, um, I kind of need the company. Sirius and James are often busy with Remus.”
Regulus gets cut off once more as he tries to speak.
“My mom, she’s– well, it’s not going well and I don’t want to burden them. I swear I’ll be quiet, I’ll work quietly and you can do your own thing. I just, I don’t want to be alone in case–” Peter swallows, whispering so low that Regulus can barely catch it, “in case I do something I will regret.”
And, oh, how Regulus knows how it is. He softens slightly at the admission. Regulus nods twice and Peter sighs in relief, his shoulders dropping as if a big weight has been lifted.
“Anytime, Peter,” Regulus says. His mind wonders to Peter's words.
Sirius and James are often busy with Remus. I don’t want to burden them.
“Do they know? That you feel like a burden to them, I mean,” Regulus clarifies and Peter shakes his head quickly. “I think it’s worth telling them.”
“I don’t know, sometimes it feels like I’m just there,” Peter says. “The friend who everyone likes a bit less. I mean, I’ve known James my entire life and then Sirius steps in and suddenly it feels like I have no one. Remus, Sirius and James are really close”
Sirius and James tend to do that, oblivious to it. They don’t mean to have that effect on other people but even know, Regulus has the urge to be better then James. That he’s a stranger in Sirius’ life, replaced.
“You should talk to them,” Regulus repeats, rather hypocritically. He never confided Sirius in it. “And if they don’t see how amazing you are, then they’re blinder than Potter without glasses.”
Peter snorts at that, staring at the table with a small smile. “This is the first time I’ve heard you speak without insulting someone.”
“Don’t get used to it, Pettigrew,” Regulus takes the first letter from Narcissa out of his bag, rubbing his finger over the corner. “Narcissa, my cousin, sent me this right after I got outed as gay.”
Peter stares at it, a thoughtful look on his face. “Maybe letting someone read it out loud for you will help.”
Regulus nods and they fall into a silence, Regulus reading his book and Peter working on an essay that was due last week. A few hours go by and Regulus realises that Peter’s company isn’t all that bad. Plus, Peter hasn’t brung up Potter, not even once. It’s refreshing.
Regulus leaves, who decides to stay in the library a little longer, he hastily dumps his bag off in the Slytherin rooms, catching sight of Evan and Barty asleep on Barty’s bed, cuddling.
He supposes it isn’t that weird, as the beds are too narrow for two people –let alone almost grown teenagers– but Barty’s hand is in Evan’s hair while Evan’s arm is draped over Barty’s hips. Regulus grins, silently searching for a camera, a muggle one, a gift from Sirius, and takes a photo.
Barty and Evan are idiots, to be blunt. The most idiotic pair, running away from their feelings for each other despite Regulus chasing them into the right directions. He sets the camera down and opens his journal, sliding the photo in and leaving the dorm to give them some privacy. Even though they’re asleep.
He joins Dorcas, playing chess with her, laughing over her run in with Marlene.
The next few days are suspiciously quiet, Regulus still avoids James and he uses his studies as an excuse. There is barely a moment that Regulus isn’t seen studying outside of eating and Quidditch. They had won the match against Ravenclaw (as expected) though Regulus has to admit it was a close call.
He and Sirius have talked a few times since their heartfelt conversation. Sirius’ attempts at getting him to talk to James are useless, he changes the subject or ignores him until Sirius whines and drags him to the kitchen.
They play quidditch together, bickering and shoving each other but Regulus has never been happier. While their relationship was still mending, Regulus was glad that Sirius even wanted to spend time with him.
Regulus received another letter from Narcissa, he has yet to open the previous ones, a pile shoved under his bed. He knows that he should talk to her, read the letters and see what she wants but Regulus is a coward.
He will open them one day. He purses his lips, wondering why narcissa isn’t giving up. She reminds him of James Potter in that way, never taking no for an answer and never giving up even when it means they might get hurt in the process.
He wishes they would both give up, he’s not important enough for people to spend their energy on like they do.
During breakfast, his eyes wander to the gryffindor table, he catches James and Lily hunched together and whispering. Looking rather cozy, a voice akin to Walburga’s whispering that he’s worthless, that no wonder James isn’t into him, because why would he be.
He fiddles with his rings, tearing his gaze away from the two. Dorcas nudges him in his ribs.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, fine,” Regulus answers absentmindedly. His appetite is long gone though he forces himself to continue taking small bites. The food tastes like cardboard in his mouth.
“You know you’re being ridiculous right,” Dorcas states, staring at him. Regulus’ eyes snap towards her and he scowls. “James very obviously smelled you in the caldron, he didn’t tell anyone what he smelled but he only had eyes for you.”
“Yeah, because my very embarrassing crush on him was just known to everyone,” Regulus rolls his eyes. His friends and Sirius tried to point out that Regulus might be ignoring James for no reason, that he should just listen to James.
He’s thought about it but once again the fear of what might happen overrules. He received one final letter from his parents, sharing their disappointment in him, his worthlessness and that everyone will leave him.
He burnt the letter.
“You’re too stubborn,” Evan tuts, sharing a glance with Barty. Regulus smirks and shrugs his shoulders. His attention returns to james, to note that he’s walking outside with none of the other marauders. Regulus furrows his eyebrows but shakes his head and slowly takes bites out of his food.
Dorcas walks with him to the Slytherin dorms. The first years are surrounded by the table, whispering amongst themselves, sending glares his way. That was the worst thing, from the entire situation, the stares from everyone. Some with pity whilst others with hatred and mockery.
He ignores them, slamming his dorm room closed, taking a deep breath in. He spots more notes on his bed. At first glance, he believes that they’re from Narcissa —he swears she’s going to turn up one day and hex him for ignoring her— though the handwriting isn’t Cissa’s.
He opens one of them, a love letter. He rips it up, anger and humiliation bubbling through his body. Has Lily finally given up on him and he’s decided since Regulus likes him he should go after him now? Up until the Amortentia incident, Sirius always made a comment about James’ love for Lily. And Sirius had never denied Regulus’ statement, that James loves Lily after the incident.
So no, Regulus didn’t believe James likes him. He wouldn’t be another distraction for someone, be the second choice again. Regulus refuses. He doesn’t want to listen to James Potter telling him he likes him when there isn’t an ounce of truth in it.
Evan and Barty find him lying on his bed, the torn papers on the floor. They drag him to hogsmeade, their treat. They sit at the most secluded corner, away from the public’s eye. They joke around and Regulus teases Evan for being scared of a rat that seems to be chasing him around the halls.
And for a moment, Regulus doesn’t think of the fact that he’s disowned, that he was outed to the wizarding world and that his feelings for James Potter were now public knowledge. During their visit, the weight is lifted from his shoulders and he can breathe properly.
They return hours later, Evan and Barty doing their thing and climbing in the other’s bed when they think he is asleep. Regulus rolls his eyes at them and silently puts on a discarded jumper from his trunk.
He sneaks outside, cursing as one of the prefects nearly catches him. He stumbles up to the astronomy tower, staring at Sirius’ star, his head against the cold cement. Would he ever be good enough?
Regulus started pinching his arm, the pain a welcoming feeling as he tried to ground himself. A black dog pads inside and nudges his head against Regulus’ arm, lying down next to him, whining softly.
“Hi there,” Regulus softly murmurs, huffing as the dog rests his head on Regulus’ arm. Growling at him when he attempts to move his hand away. He pets the dog and he seems to settle, content. “What’s your name, hm?”
The dog barks followed by regulus shushing him. How did it even get inside?
“At least you’re better than an owl, I’m getting sick of seeing Narcissa’s owls,” Regulus chuckles, staring back at the stars. The resemblance between the dog and Sirius were great but it was impossible, he just wishes Sirius was here instead. Pointing out stars as they did when they were little boys, sitting by the window together and wondering what the future would hold.