'Til we wanna talk
The next day after the incident, as Regulus likes to refer it as, he feels like shit. He slept for perhaps three hours, his mind straying on James. He hadn't been able to really read James' expression and he dreads having to face him.
Regulus turns over, hiding his face in his pillow, planning to stay in that day. Barty however has different plans because he forces Regulus out of bed, shoving him to the bathroom with clean clothes.
"I trust that you can put clothes on yourself," Barty smirks, leaning over to him as he stands still. "Or do you need help?"
"Get out of here, Crouch," Regulus rolls his eyes, shoving Barty out by the shoulders and locking the door behind him. Barty likes to flirt with anything and everything that breathes, which includes him.
Evan starts bickering with Barty and Regulus zones out while changing into new clothes and splashing his face with cold water, ignoring his reflection.
Some days it was nearly impossible for Regulus to get out of bed, he had Evan and Barty to help him. There was only one time, when it was completely helpless. When he had felt helpless and he hadn't had anyone. Kreacher had done everything for him, described it as physically being on earth but not mentally.
There's knock on the door after a couple of minutes and Regulus sighs, picking his dirty clothes off of the floor and unlocking the door again, letting Dorcas into the bathroom. He sets everything down on his bed, not bothering to tidy it up.
After a few minutes spent staring at a wall, his friends haul him up and they make their way to the Great Hall. Regulus flushes as whispers and stares follow him, he should be used to it but if he's honest, he won't ever get used to the attention.
It gets worse as they take their seats at the Slytherin table, Pandora, Barty, Evan and Dorcas are staring daggers at everyone. Meanwhile Regulus looks everywhere, other than at the Gryffindor table.
"What are you staring at?" Dorcas barks loudly, her gaze narrowing. In response there's mumbling and more whispers but everyone's eyes leave Regulus. He nods at her, grateful, he doesn't feel hungry but Evan piles his plate with food.
"Eat," Pandora orders, pushing the plate closer to Regulus when he makes no move to eat. He rolls his eyes and slowly starts eating, listening to his friends argue about some random and useless subject. He catches a few Ravenclaw's staring at Pandora, as she never sits with the Slytherin's.
Breakfast rolls by slowly, he only answers his friends when they nudge him, or call his name repeatedly. At the end, the skin on his hand is red and torn apart, he hides it by letting his sleeves fall over it.
James' eyes haven't left Regulus, he doesn't need to look up to confirm it. Regulus could always tell. Regulus and his friends leave the Great hall earlier and James sets off after them but they manage to shake him off, ending up in their dorms before classes start.
“You can’t avoid him forever, Regulus,” Pandora states, laying her hand on his shoulder. “I know you don’t want to but he wants to talk to you.”
“If I spend the rest of my life hiding from him, so be it. It was absolutely mortifying, Pandora,” Regulus groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. Every time his mind replays the moment, he’s one second away from diving into the Black lake and never resurfacing. “I can’t believe everyone knows it’s him.”
“It was rather torture to watch, the way everyone stared at you,” Barty comments, not helping Regulus in the slightest. Regulus dives onto his bed, throwing a pillow in Barty’s direction.
“It wasn’t that bad,” Dorcas tries to reassure, failing miserably as a grimace takes place on her face. “Okay, maybe it was, super bad. Look on the more positive side, maybe something good will come out of it?”
“Like what?”
“A hook-up? James does those occasionally, I’ve heard,” Evan nods his head as Dorcas continues with a grimace. “And seen.”
“Lets say for some reason we do hook-up, that will be the end of it. We all know he has had a crush on Lily Evans since first year, my brother never shuts up about it. Not that I blame James, she’s a bright witch, very beautiful… I mean why would James go for me when she’s there?” Regulus bites the insides of his cheeks. She’s everything he’s not. Almost perfect.
Pandora and Barty exchange glances. Regulus is too tired to interpret it. “Can we stop talking about it?”
“Sure, Reg,” Dorcas ruffles his hair and then leaves out the door, calling out from the closed door, “don’t forget the essay due!” Pandora whistles at Evan and Barty, hugging Regulus before following Dorcas out.
Barty and Evan’s eyes widen and they stare at the door for a moment before dashing around their room, grabbing their forgotten essays. “Regulus-”
“No,” Regulus says, smirking at the pair as they stare at him with round, desperate eyes. It’s always the same, Regulus finishing essays early while Barty and Evan rush around to get it done, attempting to copy off of him. He grabs a book from the nightstand and sits next to them. “I’ll be there as moral support.”
“You’re the worst friend,” Evan mutters to himself, opening the books they lent from the library. They had approximately three hours before their first class, enough time for them to finish a rough draft and receive an okay mark.
“Am I now? I do vaguely remember warning you about the essay a few days ago,” Regulus says, tapping his leg thoughtfully and Barty pushes him. He opens his book, his finger trailing under the words.
He doesn’t often have to do so, unless his thoughts are far away, making it harder for him to focus on the words. Like now. Not only does it help him focus, that way he has something to do. It halts the urges to tear his skin apart.
He hums under his breath, the scratching of quills against parchment and occasional turning of paper drowning out his thoughts. He reads until his eyes start deceiving him, having to reread the paragraph, his focus straying from the images he makes while reading. He sets the book down, on the floor, leaning over Evan’s shoulder.
“I’m almost done,” Evan stresses with a huff, gesturing to the end of the paper. Then informs him, “Barty is already finished. We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Better finish yours then,” Regulus says, noting that Barty left his essay slightly pushed in Evan’s direction on the floor, Evan’s gaze shifting over it before writing more.
Regulus stands up, stretching his arms and legs as a dull pain spreads through his body. He sighs, gathering his books and getting ready for their class. He disappears into the bathroom, staring at himself. His dark eyebags look bad compared to his pale skin.
He adjusts his uniform and weaves a hand through his hair. There were quite a handful of people who liked him, some even vowing they loved him. Yet, Regulus wonders why. Sure, he’s handsome as people say, but he’s too pale, there’s a permanent scowl on his face, not to mention faded scars and spots on his skin, when he used to have acne. Or where he picked his skin too many times.
The disgusted look on Walburga’s face whenever she gripped his arm, as if she hadn’t caused a handful of those scars herself.
Regulus bites his tongue, as he eyes his reflection once more. He gets why James would rather have Lily. Her freckles and long red hair, her soft facial features and tanned skin. While she could rile up James and was often annoyed by him, she was nice. Genuinely nice, always lending a hand to help.
Regulus on the other hand, he riled James up too but he wasn’t nice. He wouldn’t per se say he was a bully, but he glared at everyone, scowled and minded his own business. He often ignored first years and he often found himself getting in a row with Snape and Mulciber, hexing them, in return, getting hexed too.
He only started a fight himself once, Mulciber and his fans had commented on Sirius. Looking back on it, he can’t even recall what. But it had gotten Regulus on a bad day and he had punched Mulciber and hexed him, even when he and Sirius weren’t on speaking terms.
Regulus gets pulled out of his thoughts once again as there’s a knock on the door. Barty calls out, snickering, “there’s a second year in need of your attention.”
He groans, walking out of the bathroom and squaring his shoulders as his scowl returns on his face. Making his way down to the common room with his bag over his shoulder, a second year at is standing by the the entrance, avoiding everyone’s gazes, shifting her feet reluctantly.
She lifts her head as Regulus coughs, her cheeks reddening and Regulus rolls his eyes slightly. Impatiently waiting for her to speak. He checks the time and then glares at the girl, causing her to jump up.
“There’s a Gryffindor asking for you,” she says quietly and Regulus has to strain his ears to understand her.
“Who?” Regulus demands.
“It’s your brother,” she squeaks, lying through her teeth, she avoids looking at him.
“Really,” Regulus muses, Sirius usually has a way of slipping through the entrance, never bothering to get a second year to fetch him. The girl looks at him and he tilts his head “Was there anyone with him?”
“Uh- uhm, no? He was, uh, talking to another Gryfindor, with curly hair,” The girl responds and then her face changes as she realises what she let slip out. Regulus sighs, James is with him. Great, just what he needs.
“Tell him to fuck off,” Regulus orders, smirking at the way she splutters and stares at him with wide eyes. “Exactly those words, he’s too nice to hex you. Off you go.”
Regulus takes a seat by the unlit fireplace, taking out his essay and hastily proofreading it for the hundredth time, wondering if it will beat the last essay. He ignores the girl as she returns, standing next to him. He doesn’t lift his head, biting his lip in annoyance.
“He says- that you’re a bad brother,” the girl informs in a small voice, Regulus still doesn’t show that he’s paying attention and after a few beats, she leaves again. Regulus’ insides twist as he goes over her words. He’s sure that Sirius is only saying it to get him to talk to James, however he knows there’s a slight truth to it.
His mood worsens and a few moments later, Barty, Evan and Dorcas make their way downstairs, stopping next to him.
“Ready to go?” Dorcas asks him and Regulus curtly nods his head, standing up and following his friends. He’s aware of James and Sirius leaning against the wall as they wait for him to come out.
“Regulus!” James pushes his weight off the wall, stalking his way. Sirius silently approaches them too, a blank expression on his face. Regulus clenches his jaw and starts making his way to class, ignoring James’ calls.
Barty, Evan and Dorcas walk slower, attempting to keep James away. Students in the hall are all staring and Regulus feels light in the head, a scowl back on his face, sneering at everyone as they whisper.
Just as everyone was settling down, he just had to announce his love to James, without knowing he was doing so. As if being outed wasn’t bad. There’s a slight pang in his chest but he shakes his head and slips in the classroom.
“Potter, your class isn’t here,” the professor calls out as James tries to reach Regulus. He rolls his eyes and looks to Regulus, mouthing: ‘I’ll be back.’
James was true to his words, after class, James was waiting outside. Regulus ignores him, he can handle the stares and whispers, mostly, but he definitely can’t handle the rejection of James.
Not now, not ever.
The best solution to avoid rejection is to ignore James until he gets tired of chasing Regulus around. Tired of trying to talk to someone who doesn’t want to be found, although Sirius and his group manage to find him whenever they need him. It’s a little scary.
At the end of the day, Regulus is exhausted, he wants nothing more than to curl up in the astronomy tower, yet he knows that he will be bombarded. The only space he is able to go to without getting interrupted is in his dorm.
Or so he thought.
Regulus shoves the books away, yawning as he checks the time, near midnight. He had been doing homework, leaving him ahead of the rest of the class. Barty and Evan are most likely hooking up somewhere in the castle.
The door opens and Regulus doesn’t bother to look up, until he recognizes the steps. It really started in Grimmauld, he needed to know if his mother or father were coming in, then it became an automatic thing.
“Regulus,” Sirius greets and Regulus sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. Sirius sits down on the side of his bed, disarming Regulus of his wand before he makes a move to hex his brother.
“How did you get in here,” Regulus sneers at him, it couldn’t have been a Slytherin, they know that they need to come to him before letting his brother or his friends in. “Get out.”
“Why are you avoiding James? He wants to talk to you?”
“This is none of your business,” Regulus says, unless he talks to James, he’s sure that the only time Sirius will talk to him is about that. Regulus sniffs, staring at the wall.
“It is, you’re avoiding my best friend and it’s annoying,” sirius tells him.
“I was outed as gay not even a month ago and now the whole bloody school knows I like him. He knows I like him, sorry if I’m not keen on rejection, Sirius. Not everyone is like you and Remus,” Regulus says bitterly, thinking back on the day Sirius told him that apparently Remus had a crush on Sirius as well, for years. “It’s embarrassing, Sirius. I will keep on avoiding him.”
“He won’t give up.”
“He will get tired of chasing eventually, everyone does,” Regulus doesn’t necessarily mean anything with it but by the way Sirius winces, looking down at his hands, he knows Sirius took it personally. “I’m not talking about you.”
“Just talk to him, Reggie. Please,” Sirius begs. Regulus shakes his head and Sirius opens his mouth but no sound comes out. He leans forward, ruffling Regulus’ hair and then standing up. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
After Sirius is gone, he still hasn’t found out how he got inside, Regulus’ mind tortures him by replaying the incident.
The next two weeks are a replica of the first day. It goes in the exact same order. Regulus receives a letter from Narcissa he still hasn’t opened, they eat breakfast with James’ eyes set on Regulus, Regulus slips away whenever James tries to talk to him and at the end of the day Sirius checks in on him and tries to convince Regulus to talk to James.
Regulus refuses and after Sirius has left, Pandora will tell Regulus that everyone is there for him, no matter what he chooses to do. Although he will be left alone if he talks to James.
Regulus knows she’s right, yet he ignores her comment anyway.By the end of the second week, the whispers and stares have ceased down, yet Regulus can’t shake the dark pit in his stomach. He falls asleep right after finishing his homework, woken up by Evan for Quidditch practice.
He begrudgingly follows Barty and Evan, silently cursing at their captain for making them practise on such a short notice.
“When is the next Quidditch game?” Regulus asks, shoving the locker rooms door open and facing the lockers, discarding his normal shirt for Quidditch clothes.
“Next week, against Ravenclaw,” Evan informs him, glaring at a teammate on the side and changing too. Regulus groans, Ravenclaw has never been known to win against them, they can beat them without trying.
Barty seems to catch on Regulus’ train of thoughts because he elbows Regulus. “You better not slack off, Black.”
“Don’t call me that, Crouch,” Regulus threatens. “I obviously will be at my best, they’re just too easy to beat. We all know that.”
“Don’t let Pandora hear that,” Evan chuckles and Regulus rolls his eyes, Pandora has never cared for Quidditch that much unless it’s Regulus, Evan, Barty and Dorcas playing. At games, if their houses do play against each other, she will cheer on both Ravenclaw –as it’s still her house– and Slytherin.
Regulus stretches and grabs his broom, moving towards the field already as Evan and Barty exchange a few more words with another teammate. Regulus doesn’t engage in conversations unless it’s his friends, more or less.
He hovers in the air as he waits for his teammates, circling around and around until a familiar figure catches his eye, one he has been ignoring. James Potter. He frowns, flying down to their captain as James sits down, not making a move to leave anytime soon, a book in his hands. Regulus’ heart flutters and his frown deepens.
He decides not to open his mouth but as his teammates make an appearance, their practise about to start and James is still not making a move to leave, he knows he has to say something.
All the Quidditch platers, no matter their house, are not permitted to be at the other’s practises. At least, it’s an unspoken rule made up that every player seems to follow.
James Potter, is an exception, or so he thinks.
“Captain,” Regulus speaks up, ignoring the way Mulciber and his goons perk up, as he usually keeps to himself unless someone picks a fight. He gestures to James with his head and the Slytherin captain follows the direction, sighing as he notices James.
Dorcas snickers, sending an amused look his way as their captain says: “Black, tell him to fuck off.”
“Can’t you do so?”
“Go,” he demands and Regulus’ eye twitches but flies towards James nonetheless, keeping a safe distance in case James decides to touch him. Or try to haul him down to talk.
“You need to leave, Potter,” Regulus says, his eyes void of any emotion and a sneer, looking down at James.
James, who looks so pretty, the sun glowing on his tanned skin. His hazel eyes– Regulus shakes the thoughts away and James smirks slightly.
“Ill leave if you will talk to me,” James challenges and Regulus groans to himself. He would rather drown himself in the lake. But if James wants to play like that, fine, so will he.
“Fine. Whatever,” Regulus says, staring as victory dances in James’ eyes. He watches as James turns around, sending a smile his way before strutting off the field. Regulus smirks, he never specified when exactly he will talk to James, he will soon find out.
Regulus flies back to his team as they train for two hours straight. It sucked, Regulus scowls as Mulciber yet again tries to knock him off his broom, even though they’re on the same team.
Their captain does a great job ignoring it whenever Regulus pointedly looks at him. He gets shoved and pushed and as they’re changing in the locker room, Avery makes a sick joke that the only reason why Regulus plays Quidditch is to creep up on everyone.
Regulus snatches his wand from his robes, shoving Avery back into the lockers, wand raised to his neck, tilting his head up.
“There’s not a lot to look at,” Regulus moves his wand away and hexes him, walking out of the locker rooms with Barty and Evan close on his heel.
“Regulus!” James calls out, rushing after them as he sees them walking past the tree he was waiting at. “You promised to talk.”
“I never said when we would talk and neither did you, Potter,” Regulus smirks at James. James’ steps falter, his eyebrows and scrunched up, his head tilted to the side as he analysis Regulus.
Regulus’ ears turn a crimson shade of red as he tears his gaze off of him, his heart beating hard.
“I’ll find you,” James ends up saying, strutting away. Regulus watches, huffing as he walks to the Slytherin dorms.
“You always do,” Regulus mutters under his breath, holding his broom tightly. Barty and Evan exchange glances and Regulus drops his broom on the floor next to his bed. Climbing in and closing the curtains swiftly.
One day, he will find out how James and Sirius always manage to find him. One day.