Secrets I have held in my heart.
Regulus is late for potions class –the one with Sirius and his friends–, Regulus is hurrying through the halls with a frown on his face. He reaches for his pocket, the letter inside and clutches it. A letter from Narcissa, he’s sure that she has heard the whispers going around the school.
It’s been that way for at least a month, the glares have settled down but occasionally Mulciber still bothers him, cornering him and threatening him.
Regulus had overslept the first day of being back at Hogwarts and he had caught an angry looking Barty and evan holding two howlers, already set off.
Later they had told him it was from Walburga and Orion, both sending separate ones. Barty and Evan had received letters from their parents, demanding to cut ties with regulus.
They hadn’t. They continued to stay friends with regulus, glaring and hexing anyone who disrespected him.
Today, Narcissa’s owl pecked him until he took the letter, resulting him into being late for class. His sour mood worsens as he opens the door, James’ cologne and body amor washing over him. He sniffs, swiftly explaining the situation to professor Slughorn. He gets left off with a warning, Slughorn has always had a soft spot for him.
“James, how much cologne are you wearing? Merlin, it’s taking over the entire classroom,” Regulus comments, passing James and Peter to sit next to Dorcas. Unaware of how uncharastically quiet the students have become and the rapid attention on him, he turns to Dorcas. “What are we doing today?”
Regulus looks up to James just as Dorcas answers hesitantly, “Amortentia.” His smile drops, his eyes wide. His heart beats loudly, a ringing in his ear making him unable to focus on anything other than James who’s still staring at him.
“Tell me you’re joking,” Regulus pleads, his gaze shifting to Peter who shrugs his shoulders, to Remus who doesn’t seem surprised, at all. Sirius’ mouth is hanging wide open, a horrified expression taking over.
Dead washes over Regulus and he turns to Barty and Evan who are staring at him amused with a hint of “oh shit”. At last, there’s Pandora, hiding her face with her hands.
“As I was saying, before interrupted, gather around Lily Evan’s cauldron,” Professor Slughorn orders, Regulus does as told although his attention isn’t there. All he can focus on is how everyone knows he smells James. The horrified look on Sirius haunting him.
Regulus wraps his arms around himself, barely listening to the other students droning out what they smell in Lily’s Cauldron. He’s aware of James’ and Sirius’ attention on him, he keeps his eyes set on the cauldron, willing it to set itself on fire.
It’s not a surprise that it’s James that he smells, he had always paid a little more attention to James than to Peter and Remus. Taking detours and lingering in the hallways to catch a glimpse of him. It was hopeless, James has had his eyes on Lily.
It’s always Lily.
The worst thing about the situation isn’t even that everyone else knows, it’s James and Sirius he’s worried about. Regulus has had a bumpy relationship with Sirius since he left for Hogwarts. It didn’t get better when he ran away from Grimmauld Place with nothing more than his books.
His parents had wanted him to marry Bellatrix, his cousin. His adult cousin. He had considered seeking out Sirius however he had refrained. He had ended up crashing at Pandora’s place, hooking up with a boy and getting caught. His parents disowned him, by the time he stepped on the train, everyone knew.
His brother had caught him by the wrist and they tried. They really did try. They put a lot of effort into talking.
All that effort and Sirius will probably drop him. Not because it’s a boy he likes, it’s because it’s James. Sirius’ James.
James Potter who could be Sirius’ brother, as everyone describes. Two peas in a pod. Regulus fucked up.
James Potter who he has only spoken to ten times in his life –yes, he did in fact keep count– and he’s sure that James won’t ever want to speak to him willingly.
He’s barely aware of Barty nudging him in the ribs, he simply steps aside and clenches his jaw. He doesn’t pay attention as James declares what he smells. Regulus doesn’t need another reminder that it’s her, James likes.
Sure, James has kissed a couple of dudes at parties but it was always Lily who caught his eye. Lily who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Lily Evans, one of the smartest witches, besides Dorcas, of course.
Regulus is still avoiding James’ and Sirius’ glances. Professor Slughorn dismissed them, Regulus is the first person out of the door. Sirius and James call after him, he dashes through the crowd of students and he’s convinced that he has lost them until Sirius snags him by the wrist, turning him around.
Regulus hastily glances around, James is no where to be seen and he quietly sighs in relief. Less to worry about that way. He straightens his back, squaring his shoulders as Sirius leads him outside, to the lake. They sit down and Regulus isn’t aware that he’s scratching himself until Sirius moves his hand away.
Regulus swallows, staring at the lake.
If it gets too heated, he could always drown himself.
As if Sirius can hear him, his eyebrows furrow and a scowl taking place. Regulus wishes that Sirius could just get it over with. Tell him that whatever brotherly relationship they were fixing, was gone.
“Did you know?”
“Did I know what?” Regulus asks innocently, stretching out the conversation. Sirius rolls his eyes and sighs, glancing at Regulus.
Regulus leans his head backwards, staring at the sky. He wishes that it was night, then he could count the stars. It always soothed him. Made him forget.
“Don’t be an idiot, Regulus,” Sirius tells him and there’s another pause as Regulus thinks of what to tell Sirius. He expects Sirius to get angry, shout at him to get over it already, he doesn’t. He patiently waits and Regulus can’t tell what he prefers more.
“I knew,” Regulus ends up saying, he always knew. “I only accepted it third year.”
“So all this time…” Sirius trails off, his frown never ceasing. Regulus scratches his hand again, focussing on the pain as Sirius opens and closes his mouth multiple times. “I thought you hated him. All you do is glare at him and sneer whenever he’s near.”
“I did, I do,” Regulus sighs deeply. “People always say there’s a thin line between love and hate, they’re right. They’re so bloody right, it’s annoying. I never intended for you to find out, it was easier to glare at him anyway.”
“So you liking James would never come back to me?”
“No.”
“Why?” Sirius asks and Regulus almost bursts out laughing. Does he really need to lay it out for Sirius?
“Because he’s James,” Regulus declares, not enough for Sirius. He had the same conversation with Pandora when she asked why he didn’t make a move. “James Potter, Sirius Black’s best friend. In love with Lily Evans. Why would anyone be happy with the news that their brother, who hurts everything he comes near to, has a crush on their best friend.”
“Reg, you don’t hurt everything you come near to. Where the hell did you get that from?” Sirius’ voice is sharp, as sharp as the knife Mulciber had almost stabbed through his hand.
“It’s true. So that’s my reasoning for not ever wanting to tell you. Besides, it’s embarrassing, liking someone who will never see you that way,” Regulus finishes off and he stands, tearing his gaze away from the sky. His brother is staring at him, the sides of his lips turned downwards.
“You do not hurt everything you come near to,” Sirius repeats urgently, scrambling up. Regulus stares at Sirius passively and firmly shakes his head. They could go on and on for hours on end if they wanted to.
“Okay,” Regulus says, his voice sounds strange and they both know that he doesn’t actually believe it. Sirius refrains from saying anything else, noticing that he doesn’t want to talk about it as they walk back in silence. Regulus murmurs a quick goodbye to Sirius as he swiftly moves through the slytherin common room.
He ignores the stares, moving to his room. He takes a deep breath before walking through the door. Barty, Evan, Dorcas and Pandora are piled up on his bed, their heads shoot up as he enters and he sits at the edge of his bed.
His throat closes up, tears threatening to fall but he swallows and lets a small smile appear, not very convincing, but at least something.
“Sirius didn’t kill you,” Barty jokes, nudging him once again and Regulus snorts, shaking his head.
“No, no he didn’t.”
Regulus curls up in his bed, Dorcas and Evan moving next to him, playing with his hair. Pandora lays her head in his lap and Barty sits in between Evan’s legs. Regulus doesn’t want to think about the recent events, he doesn’t want to remember anything. He just wants to disappear.
Dorcas squeezes his shoulder and they take his mind off of everything for a couple of hours, until Evan and Barty stumble off to their own beds, Pandora asleep on him and Dorcas moves to the empty bed across, where Snape used to stay until he whined about not wanting to be around someone like him.
Just like that, he’s with his thoughts again. The lake calling his name, yearning for them to become one.