My Sunshine

Remus

Sirius

James

Regulus

Lily

Hey, can we talk?

Of course, what's up?

So much. First, a question.

Shoot

You like Mary right?

Possibly. Can I ask a question?

Don't see why not...

You like Sirius. Am I right?

You can't tell him. Ok?

As long as you don't tell Mary. Have you told anyone else?

Fuck, no. I haven't. And that's stupid as shit. You can't tell anyone that either.

Of course. Are you ok?

Maybe. Fuck I dunno. It's like... 

I want to tell people you know?

But at the same time I DON'T want to tell ANYONE under any circumstances.

Yeah, I get that. But, Remus, how do you want to be remembered? Let's say, and this wouldn't happen but let's say it did, imagine you were to die in two days. How do you want James and Sirius to remember you?

As their friend. A chocolate lover. 

I don't know what you want me to answer. 

A gay werewolf?? Do you want me to want them to remember me as my fucking sexuality? Because no, I don't want that. I want them to remember me, not as my sexuality OR my furry little problem, but as who I actually am. Who they know me to be.

Precisely.

Pardon? Please explain. 

You want them to remember you as you they know you to be. So, no pressure to come out until you want them to know. If you want to tell people, then tell people. But there IS a difference between wanting it to stop being something you have to keep a secret, and wanting people to know. I understand wanting to be done with the secrecy, done with the hiding. But you also need to be prepared for the openness. And it's hard, really hard. And I'd tell you that people will stop caring soon enough but that's just not true. The people you meet throughout your life will have opinions about you. And that's just something that comes with the openness. A thing you have to be prepared for. Which is stupid. Really stupid. But it is how it is. And I'm sorry I had to tell you that, but I did. I get it, so if you want to tell people you can tell me a million times over. But if you want people to KNOW, I can only provide some support. It's your choice, Remus. But our friends love you so much. They'll be ok with it. 

I have to go. 

But...thank you. I needed that. 

Remus clicks off his phone and tosses it to the end of his bed as the door swings open. Sirius pops his head in. 

"Oh, hey. Didn't know you were in here." 

"Don't worry about it. Do you... have someone with you?"

"Nope, just looking for you," Sirius says, shutting the door behind him and flashing Remus a grin that makes his heart stutter. 

"Well, you found me. What's up?"

"I- can we talk? About the...thing? The thing I told you yesterday."

"Yeah sure. Come on, sit," Remus says, shuffling on his bed to make room for Sirius. 

"Well, I was wondering if you were ok with that shit? Like, you won't see me differently." Had Remus been anyone else, anyone straight basically, he wouldn't have known what Sirius was on about. He wouldn't have understood the absolute panic you have to disguise while you as if your closest friends will look at you differently. Wouldn't have understood exactly how important the answer is. Or how much effort it took for Sirius to say that. 

"Sirius," Remus begins, remembering back to his conversation with Lily, who somehow knew what to say. "I would never see you differently for something like that. I want to remember you for who you are, how you never do your homework until the night before it's due. How you take twenty two minutes exactly to do your hair. How you like silver eyeliner the best because it 'brings out the eyes, Remus'," Remus mocks. "Or how you fell out of bed the morning of your sixteenth birthday because James scared you. You guys accepted me for all my problems, only fair I do the same." 

"Thanks, Rem," Sirius says softly. This time, the smile is the Sirius Black Grin he shoots to everyone, mainly James. It's a gentler, calmer smile. Somehow, just as beautiful. And that's saying something. 

"Of course." Remus thinks back, once again, to his conversation with Lily. As he watches Sirius watch him, he realizes that he wants Sirius to know. "Sirius?"

"Yeah?" 

"Merlin, this is worse than telling you I was a werewolf," Remus says, then coughs awkwardly (pfft can't be worse than me coming out). 

"You ok?"

"Yeah, it's just... same? But not."

"But not?"

"Like, you know?"

"No," Sirius says, laughing slightly. Remus can't help but laugh a little too. 

"Just like...both I suppose." 

"Both?" Remus nods, then watches Sirius analyze the information. "Remus, are you saying you're bisexual?"

"I guess so. If that's what you call it."

"It is, you kiff."

"Oi! So, you're saying I can? Like both?"

"Yeah, Rem. You can."

"Thank fuck. If I wasn't I was gonna cry."

"Awww, is poor baby Moony gonna cry? Let my dry your tears, my dearest (,Angelica- SORRY I'LL GO). Don't cry," Sirius says, using Remus' sheet to dry nonexistent tears on Remus' face. 

"You're such a dork. A lovable one, though."

"You sayin' you love me?" Yes.

"Yes, my beloved Padfoot. Come with me, let's run off and live in the Forbidden Forest happily ever after!" Remus says, dramatically falling onto Sirius' shoulder. It's uncomfortable, though, so he slides down until his head is in Sirius' lap. "Hello," he says, looking up at Sirius. His voice is a little off since all the blood is rushing to his head. 

"Hey," Sirius murmurs in reply, running his hands slowly through Remus' hair. Gently. Softer than you could ever imagine the Sirius Black being. He grins up at the boy above him, who smiles back at him.

"Bloody hell, why must it be so bloody gorgeous," Remus mutters. 

"Pardon?"

"Shit, nothing. I didn't say anything."

"I think you said something about something being gorgeous. Well, the specific term was bloody gorgeous but who cares."

"Shut up."

"So? What were you talking about?"

"Nothing. Just shut up and let me enjoy my peace." 

"Alright." Sirius falls back on the bed. Remus' head stays in his lap, though, and Sirius' hand doesn't stop running through Remus' hair.

They stay like that for what feels like forever. And that means an hour and a half. Sirius sat still for an hour and a half and was completely content with it because he was near Remus. And Remus fell asleep after an hour. Sirius was continuing to... *see the word isn't pet but it basically is*... Remus' hair, until the boy's head rockets off his lap as the door swings open. Sirius sits back on his elbows and watches James walk in the room. 

"Oh, hey you two. Question: how would you go about asking someone out when they definitely don't like you?"

"Still not giving up on Evans?" Sirius asks lazily. 

"No, someone else. So?"

"Just ask them, I suppose. You never had an issue with Lily," Remus offers. 

"Nah, I feel differently about him. Not like it was with Lily."

"Him?" Sirius asks. "Mate..."

"Yeah? Oh shit. Yeah I'm gay too. But not quite. Like I don't care about gender. It's just their souls..?"

"So like bisexual?" Remus asks. 

"Kinda. But not exactly. Like I don't care at all about their gender. Or their sex."

"I guess you could be pansexual?" Sirius offers. 

"Could be. But anyhow, how do I ask him out?"

"Don't ask me. I'm bad at asking people I like out. Also I'm going to meet Lily at the library to study. Bye," Sirius says, waving as he walks away. 

"Ok, so what does he look like?" Remus asks. 

"Black hair. High cheekbones that are just mesmerizing. Dark eyes that just stare into your soul."

"James...this might sound completely crazy but I have to cover my bases. Do you like a Slytherin?"

"Fuck, I knew you'd figure it out. Don't tell Sirius."

"James! I expected this from pretty much anyone but you! You hate him!"

"No I don't! I was with him last night. He's actually pretty funny."

"You were with us last night?"

"Yeah, Regulus was there."

"Wait, Regulus? James, you like Sirius' little brother?"

"Yeah? Wait did you think I like someone else? Who?"

"Snape, of course!"

"Ew no! I have standards!"

"Yeah, apparently they're as high as Regulus' cheekbones!" Remus yells. By now they're just shouting at each other, but with the joke they both break down into laughter. "So, Regulus, eh?"

"Of course. I mean, how could you not?"

"I guess it's the Black brothers, huh."

"So you like Sirius?"

"Yep." They sit in brotherly silence. Which means it wasn't awkward, and neither of them felt the need to fill it. "I think you should go for it."

"Hmm?"

"Ask Regulus out, I mean."

"Only if you ask Sirius. Deal?"

"Bloody hell, James. Always up for a wager, ay? Deal. No way I'm losing this." 

"Bet. Anyhow, I'm off to find Regulus. You should do the same." 

"Shut the fuck up, James. I can ask Sirius in my own time." 

James makes his way down the stairs to the dungeons. It takes a while, but he makes it to Regulus' dorm. He knocks once, twice, three times. 

"Who's there?" A voice calls out. Barty, James thinks. 

"James Potter. I'm here to speak with Regulus." 

"What do you want, James?" Regulus asks, voice muffled by the door but still recognizable. James thinks he'd recognize his voice anywhere. 

"To speak with you. It's about Prefect duties." The door swings open, Regulus standing there looking annoyed. "Don't be too excited to see me."

"Thanks for the advice. What do you need?" James takes in his appearance. Shirt mostly unbuttoned, hair messy and damp. He must've just gotten out of the shower. 

"Can I speak to you in private?"

"I guess. Follow me," Regulus says, pushing past him and walking down the hall a little. James follows him, and they enter an empty room. "What?"

"I was just wondering...- I mean after last night- I was thinking maybe... you might think the same?" 

"None of those were full sentences. Please repeat one of those fully."

"I guess I'm asking- can I have a translation for the French last night?"

"No, James. I've already forgotten, anyway. Is that all?"

"Look, Reg-"

"Don't call me that."

"Why?"

"Because that makes it seem like we're friends. And we're not friends, James. So please tell me what you want and leave."

"Why are you so rude?"

"Because I don't want to say something I'll regret later. So say what you need and leave."

"Regulus..." For some reason, James is suddenly consumed by fear. Squeezing his heart and lungs until it feels like he'll never breathe another breath again. Until it feels like he's going to explode, or disintegrate, or both somehow. 

"James? James, are you ok?"

"Yeah, yeah," James says, running a very shaky hand through his untamable hair. He feels dizzy and distraught. He feels like he could catch fire if anything touches him, but might burn from the inside out if nothing does. 

"James? James, I'm scared. What's going on? Are you ok? Don't you fucking dare lie to me." James isn't thinking straight, but he knows he doesn't want Regulus to be scared. He presses his hand flat over his heart, feeling it beat far too fast.

"Fuck, I don't know what's going on. Reg- I need to sit down," James says, and as Regulus goes to grab a chair from the other side of the room, James just sits on the floor. "Fucking hell, I can't breathe." Regulus comes back over and crouches in front of him. 

"Can I touch you?" 

"Yeah, sure." James swallows hard against the lump in his throat, sure that that's the thing making it impossible to breathe. He feels like he's about to die. Regulus places his hands on James' forearms, James' arms are wrapped around his knees which are against his chest. 

"It'll be ok. You'll be ok. I promise. Ok? Just breathe," Regulus says, moving his hands in gentle circles. 

"Merlin, I can't," James says, resting his forehead on his knees. "I can't breathe. Reg, I don't know what to do. I can't breathe or think and I feel like I'm about to explode or die or punch something. I don't want to hurt you, Regulus. I swear I don't," James mumbles into the small empty space in between his knees and his chest. 

"I know you don't, James. And you won't. I know you won't. It'll be ok. You'll be ok. I promise, James. I promise. Remember when... I fell off my broom in that Quidditch game in third year?"

"Yeah," James says breathlessly. 

"You probably don't know why. It's actually because I caught sight of someone who distracted me and threw me off balance."

"Oh yeah?" He asks shakily. "Who?"

"Unimportant."

"Are you serious?"

"No, I'm Regulus," Regulus responds immediately. "Sorry, I've been around him too much."

"Nah, you're good," James says, laughing weakly at the pun. "So? Who was the distracting person?"

"You have to promise not to laugh."

"I promise."

"It was the Gryffindor Chaser playing."

"There are three Chasers, Reg. You're gonna have to be more specific."

"The one who looks like... you?"

"So me?"

"Yeah. Huge crush on you."

"Has it passed?" Regulus pretends he doesn't hear the question. 

"You ok now?"

"I- yeah. I think so. Um, Sirius is moving in with me. Do you want to as well?"

"James, I don't want to barge into your family. I get wanting Sirius with you, but I'm his mean little brother."

"Regulus, you're your own person. Not just his brother-"

"But to you that's who I am."

"No, to me you're a funny, albeit mean sometimes, French-speaking, Quidditch player who somehow manages to be both absolutely terrifying and beautiful at the same time." 

"I don't know what to say to that." 

"Sorry."

"Don't be. Did you mean that?"

"Which part? You definitely speak French and play Quidditch if that's what you're asking."

"It's not. The other thing?"

"The beautiful part? Yeah, I meant that," James says, smiling softly. 

"I-"

"So will you move in with me? Please?"

"Fine. For the Summer. I stay here for the short breaks."

"Come home for Christmas, at least?"

"Fine. Deal. I'll see you around, James." He gets up and starts walking to the door. 

"Wait, Regulus." Regulus stops and looks back at James. "I did mean it. I do." 

"Goodbye, James."