Never Saw You Coming

It’s almost midnight. Christmas Eve is almost over.

Regulus doesn’t want to sleep, afraid that he will be wasting time, so instead he’s aggressively sketching and drinking hot cocoa. He hasn’t looked up in 15 minutes but he knows that James is still where he was 15 minutes ago.

Sitting on the floor with his back against the bed directly next to Regulus, staring down at his book.

Five minutes later, Regulus hears a slight movement other than the scraping of his own pencil on the paper.

He doesn’t look up, assuming James is just getting comfortable.

But he halts his movements when he feels the heat.

It’s creeping up his neck and leaving tiny beads of sweat in its wake.

Regulus refuses to move. He will endure the embarrassment for the chance to just sit in it.

In just a few seconds, his whole face feels flush and his heartbeat seems so loud to his own ears.

The warmth of the sun in winter is a different kind of magic. Ancient and immortal.

Apricity. His mind supplied him. Regulus had read it somewhere, only once, then locked it away in his memory.

He’s been looking right through his sketchbook for too long now. He knows he’s being watched but he doesn’t want to break the spell.

He silently lifts his hand to start making much lighter marks on the paper. Feather light.

All of the aggressiveness and pent up frustration from just minutes ago seemed to evaporate.

Not that Regulus is really paying attention.

He’s trying too hard not to meet James’ gaze.

When James finally speaks it startles Regulus so much, his pencil goes flying across the floor.

“What are you working on?”

At Regulus’ reaction he chuckles. “You seem a little jumpy. My guess is you’ve had too much sugar. Is that your 3rd hot chocolate?”

“Listen, Potter, I am not a child. Nor am I jumpy. Your amazing ability to throw your voice across distances just so happens to be quite loud in a silent room.” Regulus shakes his head, still looking down.

“Oh, so we’re back to ‘Potter’ then, are we?” Regulus can hear the smirk in his voice. He hates that he can do that.

“When you’re pushing my buttons like a ten year old? Yes, you are ‘Potter’. That’s classic Potter behavior.” He scoffs but inside he’s eating this banter up with a spoon.

“But pushing your buttons is fun. You’re like an angry cat. You get all grumpy.” James is giggling to himself about this and when Regulus looks up to see that smile on his face, he almost stops breathing.

That smile is…everything. It’s real and warm and contagious. His smile has all the joy in the world behind it.

Regulus had seen it like this before. At his friends. At his mom.

But never at Regulus. He was blinded by it. It put cracks in his armor.

“Remember that comment I made a few seconds ago about you being a child?” Regulus is so off his game today. He can usually slice someone down with a sentence without even thinking about it. But James must’ve flipped that particular switch off.

Regulus cannot find mean words right now.

“I’m older than you.” James pointed out, raising his eyebrows and shrugging.

“And?”

“There you go again. Being grumpy.”

Regulus had completely forgotten about his sketchbook at this point.

“For the last time, I am not grumpy.” Regulus threw himself into bed and pulled the blanket up over his head. Running away from the burning in his chest and his racing heart.

He felt a tap on his shoulder.

“If you’re not grumpy then what’s wrong with you?” James whispered at the heap of blanket.

“I’m. Frustrated.” He grits out.

“With life in general or with something in particular?” A pause. “Is it me? Have I overstayed my welcome? Regulus, anytime you want me to go that’s all you have to say. ‘Even the devil need time alone sometimes.’”

“Where’s that from?” Regulus questioned.

James laughs fondly but Regulus can’t see it. “It’s a lyric from a song.” Then he stood up from the floor and turned to walk away but Regulus couldn’t let that happen.

He threw back the covers and reached out to grab James arm before he could get any further.

“It’s not you. You don’t have to go.” Regulus hopes that James can hear what he really meant ‘Please don’t go.’

James smiled softy at him and nodded.

“Okay.” Then he sat back down on the floor.

The heat returned. As soon as he felt it hit his skin he knew he had to do something. Get up and move. The stagnant air of the dungeons wasn’t making any of this easier to deal with.

“You wanna go for a walk?” Regulus asks aloud before he can over think it.

“Sure.” James grinned and got up to get his coat and shoes.

The two of them left through the common room. Somehow they both knew they were heading for the gardens without ever saying so.

When they made it outside, Regulus noticed the wind was at rest for the first time all week. Everything was completely still. And almost completely dark.

The moon, half full, guided their way past the greenhouses.

James breaks the comfortable silence. As usual.

“There’s a spot up here where you can see the tracks.” He doesn’t look at Regulus, just keeps his eyes on his feet.

“What tracks?”

“The train tracks.” James chuckles.

“Are you sentimental about train tracks often?”

Regulus smirks in the darkness.

“No, Regulus, not often. But these specific train tracks are very important.” James has a different tone of voice when he’s passionate about something. “They bring me here at the beginning of every term, then they take me home at the end.”

They came to the high point behind the gardens and the train tracks were just in view.

“A blessing and a curse, for me.” Regulus mumbles.

“I’m sorry.” James whispered, shaking his head. “It was ignorant of me to blather on-“

“No. James. You weren’t blathering.” Regulus’ hand somehow found its way to James arm as soon as he realized he let go and looked down at the ground. He saw nothing. It was almost too dark to see anything. James is a silhouette, a shadow with perfect lines and symmetrical shapes. “I’m thankful your parents are nothing like my parents.” Regulus whispers.

“I won’t let you stay there forever.”

Regulus was sure he hallucinated hearing those words come out of James’ mouth.

“James-“

“No. Listen.” The fire behind James’ eyes right then could’ve warmed the whole world. Regulus couldn’t look away. They were locked in on each other. “Something is going to be done about that…organization. When that happens, you’ll leave that house and never go back.” When he says it that way, Regulus can’t help but believe him. “If that’s what you want.”

Without hesitation

“That’s what I want.”

“Good.” James whispers. Smiling, small and private. Then he turns and starts walking back towards the castle.

Regulus takes a minute to breathe.

The older boy was waiting for him to catch up. When he did, James turned to him with a big smile.

“By the way, Merry Christmas, baby Black.”

“Merry Christmas.” He smiled back. Small but real. So real. More real than anything Regulus had ever felt.

Regulus is dreaming.

99% of the time he can tell he’s dreaming. But this one, while vivid, was too crazy to be real.

He’s at a dinner table. And there’s a boy sitting to the right of him. Can’t be more than 12 years old. Dark hair. And unmistakably, he has James Potter’s smile.

He’s beaming and chattering on about something. When Regulus finally tunes into the conversation, he realizes that this boy is addressing him directly.

“…in my house are really very nice. But I did run into Malfoy, of course. And he just had to say something idiotic, as usual.” The boy sighs and starts stabbing broccoli aggressively with his fork.

Malfoy? As in Lucius? Anyone wanting to reproduce with him is a horrifying thought.

What kind of odd, satanic, dream has Lucius Malfoy in it?

“Harry.” A heavenly voice floats in from behind Regulus.

It’s James. It has to be. But it sounds slower, and deeper. He’s older.

And he is. The James that sits beside him is not the James he knows now.

“You know Draco is technically Reggie’s family. You have to try to be kind.” James sends

Regulus a look. A knowing look. Something between two people that are familiar with each other.

That and the name ‘Reggie’ just about put him in a coma on the spot.

But he also knew he was dreaming because everything was fuzzy and light. He couldn’t really see anything other than the table and the people sitting at it.

“I know, I’m trying! He’s just such a-“

“Harry Potter! Before you say anything unkind, let’s change the subject.” James scolds the boy.

So Regulus was right. It’s his son.

He still can’t figure out what he has to do with any of this. Why is he here? Why is he seeing this now?

“Reg, do you think you can help me with Divinations?”

The question was asked just as Regulus took a sip of water that was on the table. So of course, he chokes and spits water everywhere.

James laughs at him.

“What?” Harry asks. “What did I say?”

“Nothing.” Regulus and James say simultaneously.

“You know I hate when you do that.” Harry murmurs.

“Of course I’ll help you with divinations.”

The boy beamed at him again. “Thank you, Reg. You’re a lifesaver.” Then he promptly got up and ran away. To where? Regulus has no idea. His room maybe?

“He loves you.” James voice interrupted his thoughts.

“What?”

“Harry loves you. He thinks you hung the moon and stars.”

“Does he?”

“He’s always thought that, Regulus. Even as a toddler, he only ever wanted you to read the bedtime stories and help him with his coloring books.” James openly smiles at him. If Regulus were standing, he would’ve fallen to his knees.

“Well you’re a terrible artist, so…” Regulus is trying really hard not to come to conclusions about this dream.

He’s been around Harry since he was born apparently. He was around to read bedtime stories.

Deep down, Regulus knows the truth, but he doesn’t want to confront it. Not yet. Not right now.

James scoffs at him. “Well, you’re a knob.” Then he walks over to Regulus and plants a soft kiss right on his cheek. “But I love you, anyway.”

Then he’s awake. Ripped out of a hazy universe and thrown back into the surreal.

What the hell was that? Why is his mind doing this to him? There’s no way his subconscious alone came up with that. No that was something different.

He can still feel an echo of lips on his skin.

But he only has about 2 seconds to wonder about the very very odd dream before he can’t any longer because there’s a boy jumping up and down on his bed. Screaming.

“ITS CHRISTMAS, REGULUS! WAKE UP!”

“James Fleamont Potter, if you do not stop jumping on my bed right now I will send you flying off the astronomy tower!”

“I’d like to see you try, baby Black! ITS CHRISTMAS!” He screams again. “GET UP ITS TIME FOR PRESENTS!” Then he jumps down off the bed, lands on both feet and sprints out of the room.

Well that was certainly one way to wake up.

Before James could return screaming, Regulus shuffled to the shower. When his brain finally turned on the lights, Regulus could only think of what he was giving James for Christmas. It was nothing big. Or expensive. Or shiny. But it took Regulus at least a day to finish and he thinks James might actually like it.

Hopefully it’s still safely tucked under his pillow in an envelope.

He remembered to bring his clothes with him this time, so he gets dressed and braces himself for Christmas with James and all that it entails.

When he threw open the door he was not expecting to see a very close James Potter dressed head to toe in red and green. Regulus almost wants to laugh at the irony.

“Ready?” He’s smiling from ear to ear. Regulus can’t help but smile back.

“As I’ll ever be.” He sighs, trying his best to seem uninterested. He thinks he succeeds.

When James stood to the side to let Regulus see the rest of the room, it didn’t look like the same dorm he’d slept in for years.

The first thing he saw was a huge Christmas tree, with every light and scrap of tinsel this side of the equator. How the hell did he get that in here so fast?

Every wall, every inch of the room covered in glitter and red bows. Bells hanging from the window.

Then he saw a tiny, lone, box sitting underneath the tree.

He looked back to the boy who had done all this and didn’t know what to say.

“You don’t have to say anything. Go open your present.” James was somehow a genius wizard and a mind reader because Regulus was completely certain he hadn’t voiced his thoughts.

Regulus obeyed. He padded over to the tree and sat down beside it on the floor.

The box was smaller than his hand. It was wrapped in an old issue of the daily prophet.

It made a smile tug at the corners of his mouth.

Carefully he unwrapped the box and opened the top.

It’s size of a keychain. But it’s a telescope.

The tears wanted to come but he stopped them. Taking the moment instead and absorbing it.

“That’s not really the best part.” James says from a few feet away.

He takes the tiny telescope from Regulus and places it in the center of the room.

He waves his wand.

And there’s a life size, functioning, beautiful telescope in the middle of his room.

Regulus is speechless. He’s sure his jaw is on the floor.

“What- How did you do that?” He’s already running his hands along the telescope and getting a feel for it. It takes all his strength not to run up to the Astronomy tower right now and point it at something.

“Fleamont taught me that trick. Thought it might be handy.” James chuckles. “You can travel the stars, now.”

Regulus looks at him for just a moment, then hugs him. With his entire being, he thanks James Potter for everything he’s ever done and everything he ever will do.

“Thank you.” Regulus whispers. Though, it will never be enough. He remembers at this moment that he has something to give James in return.

He turns out of the hug and leaves James standing there.

Regulus returns with the envelope.

“Compared to this,” he gestures to his spectacular gift. “It’s nothing. But it’s all I had time to do.” Regulus shrugs.

Regulus can’t bare to watch James open it and see his reaction so he busies himself pretending to look at the telescope.

“It’s not nothing.” James says quietly. Regulus turns to him. And he’s just standing there looking down at it. Not moving.

It’s a pencil sketch of a very specific room in Gryffindor tower. Regulus had been in a few times when James was grabbing clothes or a book. Or more records. He had to draw it from memory.

“It’s beautiful, Regulus. Thank you.” Then Regulus sees a single tear slide down James’ cheek.

Immediately, he hates himself. He must’ve caused this. What did he say? What did he do?

“It’s awful. I had no time.” He’s pleading, really. “Don’t cry.” He begs quietly. “You can burn it if it makes you feel better.“

James laughs wetly at this.

“No, you muppet. We are not burning anything. I love it. Thank you.” He smiles that smile. And Regulus feels the whole world shifting under his feet.

The rest of their day is spent eating sweets and going to the Astronomy Tower, yet again, to use the telescope. Regulus thinks he’s perfected his shrinking and un-shrinking.

When they finally make it back to the Slytherin dorms, Regulus face hurts from smiling so much.

It’s the best day he’s had in…a very long time.

Maybe…ever. He pushes this thought out forcefully.

Regulus is unburdening himself of all his layers, listening to James discuss brownies, of all things.

Then a sound cuts him off in the middle of his sentence.

It sounds like a telephone. But there are no phones at Hogwarts.

Hell there aren’t even any at Grimmauld Place.

“Oh shit.” James said digging for the pockets of his robe. “Shit. Okay. Regulus, don’t say anything.”

“Wha-“ James cuts him off with a finger to his lips. They stare for a beat too long then James pulls the ringing object out of his pocket and opens it. It looks like a compact mirror.

“Prongs!” Sirius’ voice rings out. Regulus feels the shock on his face.

Oh shit.

Sirius is calling and James is deep behind enemy lines here.

Regulus has to do something, quickly. Before he can think about it, he waves his wand and all green representation of house turns red instantly.

“I miss you! How’s study prison?”

“Not as bad as you’d think. But I miss you too.” James is smiling.

“Where are you? Lighting looks odd.” Sirius questions.

“I’ve been having trouble with this thing lately.” Gesturing to the object in his hand. James is lying. But it’s a tiny lie. Sirius will never know.

“I’ll write you as soon as I get off, alright?”

“You better. I haven’t heard anything from you since we left.” Sirius is pouting but it’s expected.

“Tell Effie and Fleamont that I miss them.” James chuckles then closes mirror. Immediately sighing in relief and looking to Regulus.

“That was terrifying.”

“A little warning would’ve been nice, I was completely unprepared.” Regulus breathes heavily.

“You did very well. Fast on your feet with the decoration change.” James smiles at his work. “This is the best it’s ever looked.”

“Oh, piss off.” He changes everything back to its original color.

James didn’t go back to his room to sleep that night. In fact, he only ever went back there to change clothes and shower. They spent every minute together. And it didn’t seem strange. They never got tired of each other. They talked and talked and never ran out of things to talk about. And sometimes they read or studied. James could probably teach divinations at this point. They were in their own little bubble.

Days went by and it felt like hours. When the sun came out for the first time in a long time, they went out and flew on the pitch. And when they were breathless from it, they just laid there, watching the clouds go by.

For Regulus being with James never ending bliss. It came in peaks and troughs.

Peaks made him feel drunk. Laughing and running through the corridors seeing who can make it to the top of the Astronomy Tower first.

Troughs made him feels safe. Sitting in a candlelit room, whispering to James about the book that Regulus was now consuming, even though there was no one around to hear them.

James wanted to live here forever. And for the first time in his life, he was not looking forward to going back to Gryffindor tower.

It felt like he was home here. Which even to himself seems so strange.

James is somewhat sad because even in the moment, he knows that they will never be able to relive it. People will eventually come back.

And it will be over.

But he refuses to let that keep him from enjoying every second with Regulus. Talking to the younger boy is liking talking to himself, yet someone who knows everything that James doesn’t know. He’s convinced that Regulus has knowledge from a past life. Or favor with the gods.

If Regulus asked James to leave at any point, he would do it, but he would be completely devastated.

Regulus never does.

He’s smiling more. That makes James smile.

And somehow the smile never leaves either of their faces.

Before either of them know it, it’s December thirtieth. New Years Eve is the next day. And they’re almost out of time.

That night, Regulus has a nightmare.

James was up reading a book he’d found on Regulus’ shelf and couldn’t put down. But the younger Black brother had fallen asleep with pencil in his hand, a few hours ago.

Regulus wasn’t prepared for a traumatic explosion of all his worries and fears in one dream but ya know. Life’s a real bitch.

It starts unassuming. He’s in an apple orchard of all things.

He thinks maybe Sirius brought him here once. A long time ago.

He’s standing on a ladder. He looks down once and everything seems fine.

He takes a deep breath and watches the horizon for a few seconds.

When he looks down again, he must be 20 stories in the air.

The only things up this high are planes and birds.

And he’s screaming.

He feels long fingernails digging into the flesh on the back of his neck, his screams are cut short.

Walburga always punished him for screaming.

This time was different, though. Regulus wasn’t alone. He’d only just felt the chill of terror when he felt a warm hand on him arm.

Then he was awake. Sweating and panting.

And James is there. With big worried eyes.

“It was a nightmare, Regulus. You’re completely safe, I promise.” James whispers.

“I’m sorry.” Regulus whispers back, closing his eyes and wishing this hadn’t happened here and now.

He was having such a good time.

“You have nothing to apologize for.” James tells him. His hand was still on Regulus’ arm, holding him to Earth.

“I feel like a freak.” Regulus confesses.

“Hey, none of that.” James mindlessly rubs his hands up and down Regulus’ arms in an effort to warm him. He must not be convinced that Regulus believes him. “Regulus, you are not a freak. Not to anyone but especially not to me.”

Regulus can’t help but smile. It’s involuntary.

“So you’ll be a freak with me?” He whispers.

He knows his hopefulness is transparent, but he can’t find it in himself to care. It’s the middle of the night. There’s no one here.

The older boy’s entire face softens and he smiles the way one would at an older couple in the park. Or a really cute cat.

“Of course I will. That’s not even a question.”

Long after they blew out the candles and said goodnight, those words played on a loop in Regulus’ mind.

Of course I will. That’s not even a question.

Regulus didn’t have friendships like this. His brother got the good ones, not him. He doesn’t even know if you could call this a friendship. Definitely not in the beginning, but now it feels more like a need that each of them has for the other. As if they never noticed until now. Like they’d each been walking around the whole time without their other half.

Like living without a heart.

Or lungs.

When Regulus finally make it back to sleep that night, he dreamt a dream than was so mild and peaceful he only remembered one detail.

Bright green eyes looking back at him.

The next day at breakfast, they were eating and talking.

Because they’re always talking.

And a great figure appeared behind them without either of them noticing.

“I don’t see what the big excitement is over it. It’s just pretty words, a lot of which, I don’t understand.” James says through a mouthful of eggs.

“Maybe if you tried to understand the words, the poetry might mean a little more. Have you ever heard of a dictionary? It’s this great big thing with all the words in it.” He pauses raising his eyebrows towards James, like he’s dumbfounded by the thought. “All of them.”

James stared at him with a blank expression for about five seconds before he broke and started giggling.

Giggling.

“You’re a knob.” James shook his head.

Regulus faltered at the words and then froze. Reliving a dream he had forgotten.

Why does he have to remember now? Right this second? He hates how the human brain works sometimes.

But again, he didn’t have much time to go into crisis mode because someone cleared their throat directly behind them.

Regulus jumped six feet in the air and James only chuckled at him and turned.

It was Dumbledore.

“Sorry to interrupt.” He was smiling.

“You’re not interrupting, professor.” James smiles back, because he’s James bloody Potter.

“Have you been standing there long?” Regulus hears himself ask without thinking about it first. His face turns a shade of pink thinking about Dumbledore accidentally overhearing their conversation.

“Not long, no.” The professor laughs. “I actually came to see how you two were getting along in Divinations.”

Regulus feels his lips stuttering to form an answer but he doesn’t have to.

James does it for him.

“Very well! Regulus brought me up to speed rather quickly, he’s an excellent tutor.” He was beaming at the younger boy with something like pride.

And Regulus took note of it. He took note of everything. But this, he really wanted to remember.

No one was ever eager to dote on Regulus, for any reason. A silent nod of approval or a quiet whispering of well done on an exam. But never loudly. Never publicly. He feels ashamed for being so hungry for it all.

He hates the part of himself that yearns for affections.

Somewhere in the stream of his consciousness Regulus briefly considers that he’s being claimed.

But it sends a shiver down his spine and he quickly dismisses it.

Dumbledore nods his head and smiles.

“Ah, I knew he would be. It’s why I suggested to your professor that you should seek him out. I had a feeling Mr. Black would be a tremendous help.”

There’s a brief pause and then both boys start speaking at the same time.

“Wait, you suggested me to help him?”

“Why did he tell you I was failing?”

Dumbledore says nothing. He only chuckles, looks at them both, shakes his head then he disappears.

Like actually disappears.

He apparates out of the room.

Regulus swivels his head looking for other gawking students who must’ve seen what just happened.

And he finds no one.

James and he are the only two in the entire Great Hall.

For a split second, Regulus considers if he’s dreaming again.

He hates that feeling. Of not knowing if what you’re seeing is real or the world you created in your head.

But his logic reminds him that, while they were conversing with Dumbledore, breakfast ended. And everyone went about their usual business.

Neither he or James said anything for a few minutes.

Just sat there staring down at their half eaten food but not really looking at it.

Then James, of course, breaks the silence with

“Sometimes I think he actually is God.”

“If God does exist, that would definitely be him.” Regulus replies.

James turns to him then and smiles.

Like the sun.

“The professor thinks we make a good team.”

Regulus chuckles at him.

“I think you’re going deaf, Golden Boy. He said I was a tremendous help to you. And at some point in the conversation, I do remember you having similar sentiments.”

They both stand and wave their plates to the kitchen.

Then they start on their journey back to the dungeons.

“I will deny everything I’ve ever said in front of that man. I can’t lie to him. It’s impossible.” James shrugs.

“I know what you mean.”

In the late afternoon, James looks up from a magazine in his lap.

Regulus notices immediately and meets his eye (eyes like the sun), expecting him to voice his thoughts, as he usually does.

But James says nothing.

He looks kind of halfway stuck.

“What is it?” Regulus asks.

“We should sleep in my room tonight.”

A pause.

A very long pause.

They’re still looking at each other.

And Regulus is trying to control his face while he calculates exactly what’s happening here.

“Um. Okay?” He gets out.

“It’s New Years Eve and I like watching the sun go down on the year and then watching it rise back up in a new one.”

“Oh.” Regulus hears the fondness in his own ears. “Sounds nice, actually.” He mumbles. But James hears it. Because James hears everything.

“At home, I pull an all-nighter. But I’ve never done it here. Might be interesting.” He puts on that James Potter smile. The cheeky one that means that whatever you’re about to get involved in, may end in trouble or punishment.

Coincidentally, just now, Regulus isn’t worrying about the consequences of his actions.

He’s doing what feels good. What makes him happy.

For three more days, he gets to just be.

“You could be right. Might be interesting.”

It’s different than he remembers it.

Gryffindor Tower, on any other day, gives Regulus altitude sickness.

But today it has something nostalgic about it. Though, he’s only been here a handful of times, his entire life.

He can see the dust in the rays of the descending sun. The wooden floor creaks in places.

Something about it now feels warm.

And Regulus can see, immediately, how comfortable James is here.

He’s already putting on a record and leaning back against the headboard of his bed.

Regulus doesn’t know how to feel about himself in the middle of all of it.

Knowing his brother sleeps here, knowing that this is where James feels most at home when he isn’t actually home.

He feels…lucky in a way.

The power of it, sort of overwhelms him. Not many people get to see rooms like this. Rooms that are usually so filled with laughter and dancing and love.

But is now quiet. Resting.

At peace until the love returns.

“Why’re you just standing there?” James asks him inside of a laugh.

It shook Regulus out of his head.

“Sorry. Just thinking.” He mumbles and begins to walk to a bed. One that he knows belongs to Remus Lupin.

Lupin was the one he really didn’t mind all that much. He was quiet, but considerate, and intelligent. He didn’t act impulsively…most of the time.

He and Regulus nodded at each other when they passed. Just slight. Barely noticeable. But it’s in understanding.

Regulus unloaded everything from his bag. Clean clothes. Three books. His sketch pad. All his pencils and charcoals. And, of course, his telescope.

Then he laid back on the bed, and stared at the ceiling. Thinking about what life would’ve been like if he hadn’t been sorted in Slytherin.

It was a genuine fear for the young boy. His mother had basically disowned Sirius after being placed in Gryffindor.

“I can hear you thinking. It’s very loud.” James says suddenly.

“What are you on about? I’m just laying here.” Regulus denies it because he doesn’t want to confront it just yet.

Bottling has always been a good strategy for emotions.

“Is it the room? Are you having an allergic reaction to it? Are you breaking out in hives?” James taunts him. Regulus hasn’t sat up or looked anywhere but that same spot on the ceiling. But James is staring at him.

Slowly Regulus starts to feel it. Making his sweater suffocating and giving him the urge to shave all the hair off his head just so it won’t weigh down on him like this.

“I’m actually quite comfortable, Potter. You are the one disturbing my peace.” There is no venom in his words. In fact quite the opposite. But it isn’t his fault.

“You don’t look comfortable. You look…oh. I’m an idiot, baby Black, I completely forgot. You’re having like a heat spell.” Then he’s up on his feet and opening a window. And then another window, all before Regulus can even sit up.

“James.” Regulus says once. But James doesn’t stop moving. Still opening windows and doors trying to get more air in.

Even if Regulus was hot, one window did the trick. It’s winter. Now Regulus is actually cold. But he would never tell James that.

“James.” No reaction.

“Would you stop running yourself ragged for just a second?”

James stopped then, and turned to him.

“I’m fine. It passed quickly.” Then he grabbed his wand and waved it. Closing every window but one. “It’s also December, so probably shouldn’t keep those open too long. We might actually get sick.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I forgot. I’m sorry I’m an idiot.” James is somewhat flinching in his own shame and it physically hurt Regulus to watch.

“James, stop. I appreciated the thought very much. I mentioned this to you once, I didn’t expect you to remember. Especially with all the information you’ve been cramming in your head over the past two weeks.” Regulus sees James shoulders sag in release of tension.

They both take a big breath, simultaneously.

“Just relax. This is your space. I’m the one intruding.” He chuckles.

“You aren’t intruding. You’re a guest. And I want you to be comfortable. Happy.” James shrugs.

“I’m happy.” Regulus assures him. And then it hits him in the next moment that he means it.

He’s happy. He’s warm and content.

Even with the looming future of the nothing from which he came.

“Good.” James smiles again. And all is right with the world. “Let’s get an early dinner.”

Good idea. Regulus thought to himself.Let’s get out of this room for a bit.

As he said, it wasn’t unpleasant. Just an overwhelming amount of joy in one place.

Dinner is amazing that night. The ceiling of the Great Hall is a night sky painted with stars.

“Did you know, in the southern states, muggles have a tradition to eat certain things on New Year’s Day to bring good luck and money?” James says through a mouthful of food.

Regulus furrows his brow at him.

“That sounds like flawed logic. What exactly are they eating?”

James shrugs, noncommittally. “Some kind of peas. And cabbage.”

“They think they’re getting luck and money from peas and cabbage? What genius do they have making the decisions over there?”

Regulus has always been fascinated with Americans. Maybe it was Sirius’ fault. Got him started at an early age.

“I think it had something to do with the civil war.”

They both kinda dropped the whole subject after that. Neither of them wants to bring anything close to war in their bubble of peace.

“So what’s the plan?” Regulus questions taking a drink.

“What plan?”

“For tonight. I’m sure you have some elaborate itinerary.”

James doesn’t say anything. Just smirks down at his plate of food.

“Why do you have that look on your face?”

“I resent the accusation that I make itineraries at all. Elaborate or otherwise.” James crosses his arms, pretending to be offended.

Regulus outright laughs at him.

“You’re joking right? Even if I hadn’t just spent two weeks with you, I would be able to tell that you’re the type.”

“And how, precisely, would that be?” James narrows his eyes at the younger boy.

“Because there’s no way a person can have top marks, be the best quidditch player on their team, have time to scheme unholy acts with their band of cohorts, and consider himself soon-to-be Head Boy, without elaborate itineraries.” Regulus says all of this while reading a book in his lap and ladling soup into his mouth.

“You should really write some of these down.”

“Are you going to tell me your plan?” Regulus ignores him.

James smirks, but doesn’t look at him.

“Well…”

That how Regulus ends up running through the forbidden forrest.

Running away from James Potter.

They’re playing tag.

This was only a single part of a plan that James definitely had.

But Regulus can admit to himself that it was a good idea. He’s having fun. He genuinely has no idea where he is or how far of a lead he has on James, but he feels safe, weirdly. The forrest doesn’t seem as terrifying as it once did.

He decides to stop and look back.

But it was a mistake.

He couldn’t hear the footsteps just behind him over his own feet trudging through the dead leaves on the forrest floor.

James had been right on his tail the whole time and when Regulus stopped, James was not deterred. He barreled right into the younger boy’s body, sending them boy crashing to the ground, both breathlessly cackling.

“Dammit.” Regulus huffs out.

“Consider yourself tagged, baby Black. You’re it.” James tries to catch his breath beside him.

The sun is gone. When they entered the forrest it was just settling below the horizon. But only a few shreds of light are left to pick up anything around them. Regulus can see James, though.

He’s close, and bright, and beautiful, like the sun.

And Regulus hates himself for thinking it.

Though, that thought never really goes away.

“Give me five minutes. I need to find my lungs here somewhere.” Regulus says looking around them.

“Regulus.” James says his name only once and it does nothing to slow his heavy breathing.

Regulus had never been more grateful to hear his own name from another persons lips until then.

“Yes?” He said quietly.

“Thank you.” The older boy turned to him then, still lying flat on his back but looking directly into Regulus’ jet black soul.

“For what?” He whispers. What could he have possibly done for this perfect boy? This boy who gives everything. How could he have earned thanks from someone who speaks the way angels sing and bleeds for anyone who needs it.

“I would’ve been completely alone. And miserable, if not for you.” James says as he turns his gaze back to the overlapping trees. “It’s not just ‘thank you’ for the tutoring, it’s ‘thank you’ for existing with me, for a bit.”

“Will it go back to the way it was…before?” Regulus whispers into the night.

He receives a whisper in return.

“Do you want it to?”

Regulus can feel the waves of heat coming in now. Like the tide.

“No.” He says simply.

“Then it’s settled.” A smile can be heard in James’ voice. “We’re friends.”

Regulus let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He’d been holding it for days.

The terror of thinking he would have to go back to ignoring James Potter, or attempting to at least. But he didn’t want to do that.

He wanted to be there for all of it.

They spent the rest of the night wandering the halls and avoiding adults when they saw them rounding corners. Sneaking into the kitchen for ice cream. And of course, more hot chocolate.

They made it back to the the tower a couple of hours before the sun was supposed to rise.

Regulus didn’t feel dead on his feet like he imagined he would. In fact it’s the opposite. He feels so full of light and energy, he fears he may burst from it.

They’d fallen into somewhat of a daze. Just completely immersed in each other. There was no one else. No people to ask questions. There were no assignments to worry about. It’s so rare for Regulus to find himself completely care free.

The worries will come, but not now.

James was so distracted and lost in space while speaking, that he began to change clothes.

In front of Regulus.

Thankfully he got no further than taking off his shirt before noticing what he was doing.

Regulus just froze in place. It was such a shock, he had no preparation time, and he was stuck.

He was laying with his arm supporting his head and he couldn’t take his eyes off James Potter.

The older boy was staring back at him. Also frozen in place.

They couldn’t move.

James is embarrassed that he allowed this to happen in the first place and Regulus can’t, in that moment, figure out why he ever hated James Potter.

It felt like eternity. But in reality, it was probably 45 seconds.

James clears his throat finally. And when he looks to the floor, his eyes have a glint that wasn’t there before.

James doesn’t take off any more of his clothing. But he doesn’t put a shirt back on either.

Fortunately the night was almost over, and Regulus wouldn’t have to endure the torture of not looking for much longer.

They sit together on Lupins bed and wait for the sun come up in the new year. Still a few hours yet.

James is telling him about muffins his mother always bakes on New Years Day because she knows he loves them. Regulus smiles at that.

This moment. With a beautiful boy who’s eyes rival that glowing beast in the sky. Waiting for a new day. It’s completely perfect. The contentment fills his heart to the brim and overflows into his stomach, it leaves little flapping wings at the bottom.

And he falls asleep.

Listening to a voice he’s come to cherish more than most.

It was a dreamless sleep.

And he was sweating. Every time he moved or took a breath, he could feel his shirt getting damp.

It had to go.

He didn’t wake up to take in his surroundings before he made this decision. He just yanked it right over his head and threw it into the floor before promptly falling into an even deeper sleep.

The year starts like this.

The sun is bright. That’s the first thing Regulus is aware of.

Oh.

The sun.

The sunlight doesn’t reach down far enough in the dungeons to be this bright.

He’s not in the dungeons.

He’s in James Potter’s bedroom.

This thought is the one that opens his eyes.

But the awareness that comes to his entire body then, almost sends him darting out of the room in a panic.

There is a person wrapped completely around him.

And Regulus is shirtless.

And this human seems to be shirtless.

Why is James Potter asleep on top of him without a shirt on?

He has to get up, if he lays here and thinks about it any longer, he might never leave.

But he stays.

For just a few more minutes. And he turns just enough to see James huffing out small puffs of air, skin glistening in the sunlight.

Without his glasses, he looks young. And bare.

He’s blinking his eyes open now.

Regulus doesn’t look away.

The sun shines through them like a window.

He’s so beautiful. Regulus thought to himself.

When James sees the other boy awake, a small smile makes its way onto his face.

“What are you smiling about?” Regulus whispered. It’s too early to be any louder than that.

“Nothing. Good morning. Happy New Year.” He mumbles. Voice much lower than usual. It’s gravely and rough. Regulus has to close his eyes for a few seconds.

“Happy New Year.” He whispers in response.

They were separated now, still just laying there, shirtless, looking at each other.

“What time do you suppose it is?” James asks.

“Can’t be past noon. I’d never sleep that late.” Regulus yawns through his answer.

James reaches over and snatches his watch off the table beside the bed.

“Ha! ‘Never sleep that late’ my arse. It’s almost three in the afternoon.”

“What? That’s impossible. I would’ve woken up.” Regulus shakes his head taking the watch from James to determine himself what time it was.

But it read the same.

“Must’ve been tired, baby Black. You fell asleep before the sun came up.” James looks at him then with that indiscernible look.

Regulus forces himself to avert his eyes. He decides the ceiling is a good place to settle his gaze. It’s safe.

“Did you get to see it, at least?”

No response.

So Regulus turns his head. And James is looking straight at him. Burning holes through him.

“James?”

The older boy snaps out of it.

“I’m sorry. Repeat what you said.”

Regulus shakes his head, turning away again.

“The sunrise, golden boy, did you get to see it?”

“Yes. I did.” A pause. “It was beautiful.”

What James doesn’t tell Regulus is that he wasn’t focused on the sunrise.

He was completely distracted by the way it painted Regulus, himself, golden. Gilded by renaissance artists.

He did feel extremely creepy just watching the smaller boy sleep. But he also felt that he was protecting him while he was in his most vulnerable state.

Regulus was at peace most nights.

And James would be damned if anyone was going to barge in his room and disturb that peace.

The next two days passed in a blur.

It could’ve been minutes.

They must’ve discussed every subject under the magnificent sun, and still never ran out of things to say.

James is a social butterfly and has been since he learned to speak, but Regulus sees the world in such a way, that James finds himself speechless often. Only finding words to continue the conversation. To hear Regulus tell him more.

His favorite books, his favorite spot in the castle, why he doesn’t believe in God.

James felt a rejuvenating rush just thinking about him. It was a breath of fresh air after only breathing water into your lungs your whole life.

James never knew he was missing a piece until  he found it.

And tomorrow it would be over. Students would return and fill all the empty beds, responsibilities go right back to expecting them to be there.

James felt like a different person than the one his friends left at the station 14 days ago.

He sits with it as long as he can, but in a silence, he has to bring it up. It feels like the elephant in the room is laying on his chest.

Regulus is reading, yet another, book. He goes through them faster than James can keep up, but he always brings up the fascinating parts to James later.

James really appreciates that.

“Everyone comes back tomorrow.” James says into the silence.

Regulus looks up at the sound of his voice.

His face turns.

It’s devastating, watching the hope drain out of a person like that.

“Yes.” Is all he says. But it holds so much disdain.

“Don’t wake up and get hit with the memory charm, okay? Don’t…don’t forget. About me.” James’ words came out all jumbled and stilted but he couldn’t not say them.

“That’s impossible.” They hold eye contact from across the room for what seems like forever.

Then Regulus has a thought.

“We should probably hold off on telling Sirius about our…friendship. I don’t want him to be angry with you.” He whispers that last part, but it’s completely silent in the tower today. You could hear a spider spin it’s web.

“I don’t think he would be angry. But I will respect your wishes.” James smiles and it’s blinding. “I don’t think people would understand…”

He didn’t need to finish the thought. Regulus knew what he meant. They barely understood it themselves. They should probably tackle that before involving the rest of the school.

“No, probably not.” He looks back down at his book and represses a smile that creeps onto his face. “I guess we’ll just, meet when we can.” He doesn’t look up.

“Sounds good.” Was James’ answer.

They spent their last night together, back in the dungeons.

For the sake of tradition, of course.

They listened to music so loud, it echoed through the hallways. They laughed so much that both of them were in tears. Bellies aching from it.

And they were quiet. Regulus sketched. James took another practice test for Divinations. Which he aced.

Regulus is definitely proud.

The next morning, Regulus was up before the light. Before James.

So he sat there, soaking up the feeling of tranquility and inner satisfaction before anyone else could taint it with the outside world.

James was a work of art. Everyone knew it. Regulus had known it all along, but he never looked.

Everyone else was already looking, why should he waste the time?

But when he finally did look, Regulus realized that everyone else was missing the most breathtaking part of the whole piece.

Only he could see it.

Who knows if he’ll ever be able to look away again.

James stirred at quarter to seven.

When he saw Regulus already awake, he sat up in Evan’s bed, and stayed still for a long time.

Looking around. Looking at Regulus. Saying nothing.

The younger boy decided he couldn’t take it.

He was too fragile today, he got up and started assembling the room again.

Making it blank.

“I’m going to miss you, Regulus.”

It came from right behind him.

But he didn’t dare turn around. He might scream. Or cry. Or both.

The world is so goddamn infuriating and cruel.

And.

Sweet.

Regulus has tasted the sweetness that life can bring and now he’s being told to go without.

Once is enough. They tell him.

Regulus didn’t trust himself to speak. So he just turned around and threw himself into James’ arms.

Regulus gripped at his back like it was his lifeline. Nestling his nose into James’ neck, he didn’t allow himself to focus on the intoxicating scent.

He was savoring his last taste of light.

James’ arms encompassed Regulus. They held him in place behind his back. And when Regulus pulled away, James settled his hands on the younger boy’s hips.

Green eyes glued him to the floor. Unable to move. Or speak. Or breathe.

Regulus could swear that somewhere on the Earth, the ocean looked just like that. He wouldn’t mind swimming in those eyes.

“We should get ready.” He hears himself say. “They will be here soon.” He takes a step back, then finally breaks the spell and locks himself in the shower.

Where he can grieve.