Chapter 16
Sirius
Sirius has spent last week completely at James’ service. The only time he wasn’t next to his best friend was when James had to shower, and even then Sirius would patiently sit at the door in case James slips and hits his head, or a giant snake comes out of the vent and strangles James, or Snape apparates to their bathroom and avada kedavras James, or James is kidnapped by aliens. There are so many scenarios Sirius hasn’t considered yet, and it makes him really anxious.
The feeling of guilt hasn’t left him ever since the incident. Knowing that he could have prevented it just by listening to Remus makes his stomach lurch. All he had to do was trust, and he couldn’t even do that.
James refused to let Sirius stay in his bed at night – something they used to do as kids – so Sirius started guarding him from dusk till dawn. In the moments when exhaustion got over him and he drifted off to sleep, Sirius saw James’ death in his dreams, and each time it was different.
The day of the incident, when Sirius stayed in hospital wing, he had a dream where James was burnt alive during a witch-hunt (Lily once told them about Salem witch trials; he never thought this memory would someday haunt him in his sleep), two days later he woke up from a nightmare where James was burnt alive as a sacrifice in a wicker man during the Gallic War (blame Lily and her interest in muggles’ history), and today, on Halloween, Sirius experienced the death of his best friend in the most hideous way possible: James was eaten alive by a giant candle which had the face of Mulciber and Avery merged together.
The fact that James has been even more reserved ever since the incident hasn’t contributed much to Sirius’ attempts of cheering him up. If you asked Sirius, he would say that he has never seen James acting in a such non-James way; it was as if there was nothing to be done about his best friend’s feelings. Sirius could say that because Sirius has tried almost everything and hasn’t achieved the slightest progress. James looks worse and worse as days pass.
‘Wormy, do you think we could throw a party tonight?’ Sirius asks Peter during lunch.
‘Nah mate, I don’t think it’s a good idea. James hasn’t really talked to us yet, and I doubt he’d fancy partying. It’s only been a week.’
‘I know, I know. You’re probably right,’ Sirius sighs.
‘Where is he, by the way?’
‘At Poppy’s. She’s still checking if he has brain damage.’
‘Poor lad. If he goes to Poppy’s every day, he will inevitably develop brain damage from all her whining.’
Sirius smirks.
‘We could throw a small party, maybe? Just us and the girls. We haven’t gathered in a while, d’you think James would be okay with that? And it’s Halloween, mate, can’t just do nothing.’
‘Have you solved your shit with Mary yet? And Marlene’s got a date, in case you forgot, she’s chirped about it the whole morning.’
‘You’re ruining the fun.’
‘I’m being realistic.’
‘Then just us?’
‘I got a date, too, actually.’
Sirius’ eyes go wide.
‘WHO?’
‘Slughorn,’ Peter sneers. ‘Something about sorting out dandellions and mandrakes. Professor said I would be free from submitting an essay which is due next week.’
‘Since when are you a Slughorn’s puppy?’
‘Since when do you care?’
‘Whatever,’ Sirius brushes off. ‘It’ll be me and James, then.’
‘As you wish, mate. Kiss him hello from me.’
When the lunch is over, a genius idea strikes Sirius’ mind: he should talk to Remus and invite him to the small party (one is being generous by calling it a party; at best it would be a one-way conversation from Sirius’ side and a bottle of firewhiskey for two) as a means of reconciliation with the Slytherin boy. The problem is, Sirius has no idea how to apologise to Remus properly. What doesn’t cross his mind, though, is the fact that there is a slight possibility that Remus would want to have nothing with Sirius after he shouted at the boy for simply trying to help. Sirius decides to try his best luck.
He rushes to the girls’ dorm like his life depends on it.
‘Hey, Lils! D’you have a minute?’
‘For you, Black, not even a spare second,’ retorts Lily.
‘Cheers, Evans. Say you made a mistake – no, a small fuck- no, like, a proper major fuckup with lots of swearing and cursing involved, what do you do?’
‘I don’t put myself in such a situation.’
‘’Course you don’t, you’re Evans. But what would you do if you ever found yourself in such a position?’
‘You have finally decided to show some decency and apologise to Mary properly?’ Lily looks at him expectantly.
‘What?’ Sirius furrows his eyebrows. ‘Oh, no, it’s not about Macdonald. There are more serious things going on than her holding a grudge over some nonsense.’
‘Excuse me? Nonsense? Do you- have you got any idea what Mary has been going through?’
‘I bet it’s nothing like what James has been going through. Has she been put on fire? No. Has she almost been killed? Also no. She’s just being dramatic, that is. And I am not going to deal with her shit.’
‘Go fuck yourself, Black,’ Lily throws. ‘Don’t you dare come near me or Mary, don’t you dare insult her after being the worst friend to her, and don’t you dare blame her for being an actual person with feelings!’
‘Calm down, Lils, I didn’t mean to insult anyone, but you have to agree that she just wants attention!’
‘You’re so fucking done,’ Lily hisses before throwing a stinging curse at Sirius.
‘What the fuck, Evans!’ Sirius shouts. ‘Are you out of your fucking mind?’
‘Leave, Sirius,’ sighs Mary coming down the stairs. ‘You are not welcome here.’
‘Yeah, Macdonald, I gathered that. Won’t be wasting any more of your time, ladies,’ Sirius bows theatrically before going back to his dorm.
‘Step 1: get some advice from Evans’ is fucked. Sirius takes a piece of parchment, a pen and starts drafting an apology letter. With or without Lily’s help, he is going to do the right thing.
‘Dear Remus’
‘Remus’
‘Dear Lupin’
‘Fuck’, Sirius murmurs. ‘Why is apologising so goddamn complicated?’
After, what it seems, hours (15 minutes, in reality), Sirius deems his apology satisfactory and heads to the Slytherin common room. Is it weird that a Gryffindor should be wandering round the dungeons? Maybe. Do Slytherins throw at him questioning looks and whisper among themselves? Possibly. He whispers the contents of his apology while on his way, and his heart skips a bit when he sees Remus in the company of Dorcas Meadows. He counts to three and urges himself to come closer, to make the Slytherin boy focus his attention on Sirius, but Remus keeps on talking to Dorcas, and Sirius finds himself unable to move.
‘Black?’ Sirius hears from behind.
‘What do you want, Snape?’
‘It’s me who should be asking this question. You are at my dorm. Have you got lost? Where is your army of followers?’ Snape looks around. ‘Or are you hear on behalf of Potter? How is his well-being, by the way?’ he smirks.
‘Better than yours after I crucio you.’
‘You have a death wish here, Black. If I were you, I would choose my words carefully.’
‘Fuck off, Snivellius.’
‘What did you just call me?’
‘Do you want me to repeat it? Sniv-’ Sirius stops when he hears footsteps right beside him.
‘What is going on here?’ says a familiar voice.
‘It’s between me and this piece of sh- Remus! We need to talk. Now.’
Remus furrows his eyebrows. ‘We have nothing to talk about.’
‘Yes, we do,’ Sirius insists.
‘No, we don’t, Black. And I would rather you stopped this absurd performance at once. Go back to your dorm.’
‘Not until you talk to me.’
Dorcas tries to hold back her laughter as Snape’s eyes throw thunderbolts at Sirius’ back.
‘It’s urgent,’ Sirius adds.
Remus considers Sirius’ words for a while and slightly nods.
‘And you,’ Sirius turns to face Snape, ‘I am not done with you. You and your brainless lot are going to Azkaban.’
Before Snape comes up with a witty answer, Sirius is leading Remus out of the dungeons. Remus asks no questions, he just follows him obediently. Having found a secluded place and making sure no one is around, Sirius stops at once and turns to meet Remus’ collected expression and crossed arms.
‘Remus?’ Remus raises an eyebrow.
‘What?’ Sirius asks confusedly. ‘I’m not following you.’
‘You called me ‘Remus’ in front of the Slytherins. You’ve never called me by my name before.’
‘Sure I have,’ Sirius retorts. ‘Remus,’ he adds.
Remus shakes his head and lets out a laugh.
‘What is it that you wanted to talk to me about?’
Sirius’ confidence magically vanishes. All of the words he has been revising for the past half an hour are out of his head, and all he manages to produce is an incoherent flow of words.
‘I- Well, I just thought that maybe- you know, after all it was you- and, well, right, I was- I was wrong that- I mean, well, you know, right?’
‘Black, I am sorry to disappoint you, but I actually don’t know. Can you be more precise?’
Sirius sighs and starts from the beginning. ‘I just wanted to apologise.’
‘Go on.’
‘I am shit at apologising.’
‘I can see that.’
Sirius sighs.
‘For Merlin’s sake, just read it,’ he says handing Remus a piece of parchment with his apology written on it.
‘Shall I read it out loud?’ Remus asks.
‘Save me from your mockery, Lupin.’
‘Take it as a “yes”,’ he smirks.
‘Lupin,
After the Quidditch incident I realised that you never lied to me about Avery, Mulciber, and Snape. I know now that I should have listened to you but my prejudice got in the way. I am sorry I ever questioned your intentions. I know you were just trying to help and I was being a brat about that, for which I am also sorry.
I am inviting you to a small party tonight with me and James. I think I owe it to him to explain everything properly, and I believe it’s a nice opportunity for all of us to get to know each other (no pressure, only if you want to. But I would be glad if you could make it, and so would be James).
Yours sincerely
S.O.B.’
‘I am actually quite impressed, Black,’ says Remus as he hands the parchment back to Sirius. ‘After that “well-you-know-right” speech I didn’t think there would be anything sensible in your apology’.
‘You can keep it.’
‘I sure will.’
Sirius coughs. ‘So, what about the party?’
‘By “party” you mean a heart-to-heart conversation with you and Potter? No, thank you, I’m out. I appreciate your efforts, though. Apology accepted.’
‘Good. See you around, then?’ Sirius murmurs.
‘Yeah, Black, see you.’
As Sirius watches Remus go, all he can think about is why the fuck he kept on mumbling the whole time. Public speaking has always been his forte, but this miserable attempt of an apology was a real disaster. Squeezing the bridge of his nose, Sirius goes back to his dorm in hopes that James has already undergone Madam Pomfrey’s thorough examination and is in for a glass or two of firewhiskey. If Sirius is going to have a proper conversation with James tonight, there is no way he is doing it sober.