Chapter 14
Regulus
He paces back and forth. Back and forth. Breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out. Count five things you can see. Four things you can touch. Three things you can hear.
He breaks.
Standing there and watching James hit by a fireball was one of the most terrifying things in his life. He never feared for his own life, nor was he afraid of facing death. Death is natural. People aren’t afraid of blinking or breathing – those are natural processes, parts of life. And so is death. Then why did even the thought of losing James hurt so bad? Why did he feel his heart skip one, two, five, ten million bits when he saw James falling off of his broom with his fucking uniform on fire?
Fear of losing someone has never hit him this much. He always had this feeling that everyone he ever cared for was under some invisible protection securing them from any perils coming from the outside world. Regulus never expected this protection to be burnt to the ground.
He couldn’t afford to go to the hospital wing. He was no one to James, they wouldn’t let him in. And what would he do, anyway? He didn’t have any reasons to care so much for a boy he barely even knew now, did he?
Liar, he thought to himself. You know damn well why you care, you just won’t admit it.
He spent hours hiding in the Myrtle’s bathroom. Remus never tried reaching out to him and Regulus couldn’t blame him. He wouldn’t mind if Remus actually tried to talk to him but maybe he knew better than to calm down someone who’s experiencing all the range of human emotions all at once. After all, there’s no use in using a towel to wipe your bathroom floor from water which keeps flooding it.
Closer to midnight Regulus got a note saying that James was okay. He’s okay. He’s safe now. Regulus still couldn’t breathe.
Why did he never see it coming? How could he be so blind to miss it all? His friends would definitely say it wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t see it coming. He couldn’t not miss it. Regulus still blamed himself.
He went up to the Astronomy Tower. Not wearing anything but a light sweater on a late October night, Regulus got sobered up by the fresh wind. It didn’t help much, though. Just minutes later he had a (third? fifth? tenth?...) breakdown and hugged himself as his back slid down the stone walls.
You’re alright. You’re safe. You’re going to be okay. Regulus repeated it to himself like a mantra, like if he said them out loud, the words would finally start making sense and he would see the truth behind them: James is okay and he isn’t going to die. Not for many, many years.
But the words still made no sense to Regulus. How could he be sure that the note wasn’t one of the hallucinations of his? How could he be sure of his own sanity? How could he trust a note saying a blunt ‘he’s okay’ unless he saw James himself?
Regulus started pacing again. His feet hurt, his eyes stung, his heart ached. He couldn’t think of anything and anyone. Just James. James and his stupid hair. James and his stupid Quidditch uniform. James and his sweet stupid demeanor. It’s always been fucking him.
‘Hey, you.’
Regulus pulls his hands away from his face. The voice is so familiar he could reproduce it in his head with the shocking accuracy.
‘You’re real?’
‘The realest,’ James smirks.
He does look okay, was it not for a bandage on his arm. The same messy brown curls, the same light in the eyes, the same sloppy posture. Just James, the way he always was.
‘Aren’t you supposed to be in the hospital wing right now?’
‘I’d much rather be here.’
Regulus’ stomach sinks.
‘What the fuck, James? You should be resting, not walking around the fucking castle at night.’
‘Says you.’
‘I, for one, wasn’t set on fire today.’
‘Neither was I. That was just a minor inconvenience.’
Regulus’ eyes open wide. Why does James always have to be so optimistic?
‘You know that it’s not forbidden to be mad or experience any other emotions that aren’t happiness or fucking delusion?’
‘Delusion isn’t an emotion, Reg, you should know better.’
Reg.
‘And yes, I know I’m allowed to feel mad. But I’m not in the mood for revenge,’ he sighs.
Regulus shakes his head silently.
‘Are you really okay?’
‘I am really okay,’ James smiles.
‘I’m glad, then.’
‘Are you?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’m glad you’re glad.’
‘Cool.’
‘Cool.’
James hasn’t moved from the door ever since he let himself in, so they just stand and stare at each other awkwardly from the opposite sides of the Tower. Regulus would pay a million galleons to take a look inside James’ head and see what he’s thinking about at the moment.
‘Uhm,’ James clears his throat eventually, ‘there’s actually something I wanted to tell you.’
‘Spill it.’ Regulus’ heart starts racing and he can feel cold sweat running down his spine – though maybe it’s just because of the temperature. Just temperature and nothing else.
‘I- well, egh-’ James starts. ‘It just that I feel like after the last time I was here- I mean, it all started earlier but then-’ he pauses. ‘What I’m trying to say is that I think I might-’
‘You know, let’s just talk another day. I’m really tired,’ Regulus puts his hand to his mouth, pretending to yawn, and starts moving towards the door.
‘But it’s important-’
‘Can’t be more important than a good night’s sleep,’ Regulus brushes him off.
‘But I-’
‘Night, Potter.’
‘Don’t you fucking dare leave me when I’m confessing my feelings for you!’ James says to his back. ‘And Potter? I thought we were finally over the last name thing.’
The words hurt like a knife. Regulus feels as if they just struck him the way a lightning strikes a lonely tree in the middle of nowhere. He wishes he could turn back time and make James shut up until it was too late, but the truth was out. And there was no chance Regulus would deal with it in a healthy way. He was a Black, after all.
‘Please, don’t do this,’ Regulus whispers, unable to turn and face James.
‘Reg, I’m not fucking blind. I can tell that I’m not the only one here feeling this way. Just tell me if I’m wrong. Look me in the eye and tell me I completely misinterpreted the situation.’
Regulus bites his cheek. Five things you can see. Four things you can touch. Three things you can hear. Two things you can-
‘Are you even listening to me?’ James’ voice cracks.
Regulus lets a deep breath out and turns away.
‘You’re right, James. You’re not the only one feeling this way. Is that what you fucking want to hear? That I fucking like you? Then here you go: I like you. More than I ever thought I would. The thought of losing you today nearly broke me. But can’t you fucking see? We won’t work. We fucking can’t. I don’t want this. I never asked for this. You’re better off with your stupid friends. Go find yourself a girl and live your happily ever fucking after. Weren’t you in love with Evans? Go shoot your one millionth shot, I guess. Try better. But don’t you ever approach me, or I swear to Merlin I will destroy you myself.’
‘I don’t love Lily!’ James shouts in exasperation.
‘I don’t fucking care!’
‘Then why can’t you just give us a chance?’
Regulus starts laughing maniacally. ‘There’s no us, James. There’s just you and me.’
James shakes his head. ‘You’re being mean.’
‘No, James. I’m being real.’
‘I just don’t get it. We like each other, our feelings are mutual. Why won’t-’
‘I don’t own you an explanation. Who do you think you are? My fucking mother? If I tell you I don’t want you anywhere near me, I mean it. Kill yourself or get fucking over it.’
James furrows his eyebrows. ‘I know you don’t mean it, Reg. This is not you.’
‘You don’t even know the real me.’
‘I know enough to say you’re just being stubborn,’ James purses his lip. ‘Even if you don’t have it in yourself to fight for what we could be, I’ll do it for us both.’
‘I warned you I will destroy you.’
‘Guess I’ll try my luck,’ James smiles slightly.
‘Fuck you,’ Regulus throws before he turns away and leaves.
Fuck James. Fuck Mulciber. Fuck Snape. Fuck Avery. Fuck them all.
He enters the common room and falls into an armchair. His mind is racing and he can still taste the words he said to James. So bitter-sweet. Did he really say he likes him? Was the whole conversation an illusion?
The reality hurts. Everything he said is for the better. That’s how it’s supposed to be. That’s the way life goes. But he can’t brush off the feeling that he might’ve started ruining something that hasn’t even started yet. Is it really worth it – trying to prevent a catastrophe even though you’re not sure it’s a catastrophe at all?
Fear isn’t always bad. Fear helps you survive. It stops you from making life-threatening decisions. But fear can also take control over you. You may be so focused on controlling it that it gets control over you, and it’s very easy to get distracted and fail to see the truth. Regulus is always focused on controlling his life – that means, his grades are perfect, his eating habits are shit; his playing the piano is perfect, his social skills are shit. Such imbalance leaves no space for extra control – that of his emotions and feelings: it’s either everything or nothing, drought or flood. How can one be in control of their emotions if one is barely able to keep themselves alive?
The fear driving Regulus was that of inevitably losing James. Sooner or later, he thought, James would be drowned in the pain and suffering along with him. Regulus is already a lost cause, so why drag someone as kind as James into his life knowing damn well he’s sentencing them to a dull life full of self-hatred and self-pity? Regulus could raise above his needs. After all, he lived well on his own before James. He could live just as well without him.
And it’s not as if Regulus ever had James. Because he didn’t. They only shared a few conversations. And maybe Regulus has secretly had a crush on him for a while. But none of it matter, actually. Regulus made his decision and was willing to follow his plan through.
Deep in his thoughts, Regulus suddenly hears a cough in the darkened room and turns his head just to see Barty and Evan covered in bruises and blood.
‘What’s up, Black?’