Chapter 7
Sirius
He stands in the bathroom all alone. He knows he has to leave now but he can’t move. He feels frozen. Whenever Sirius tries to make Regulus open up to him, he fails. Is he always choosing the wrong words? Should he have been more patient? Sirius has no idea.
He knows they were never supposed to be this distant. He wants them to go back to where they were – close, happy, trusting, brothers. The interactions they have now consist of sarcasm and hurtful words, and it pains Sirius to admit that this time there might be no chance of reconciliation. But they’re Blacks, aren’t they? No matter how many times life buries them alive, they always rise up from the dead. No many how many times they lose each other, they always find a way back. All Sirius has to do is to find out where to look for this way.
Eventually he pulls himself together and heads to Gryffindor changing rooms. James is about to scold him for being late but seeing the look on Sirius’ face he just tells him to hurry, throwing a quick ‘You alright?’
And honestly? Sirius is not alright. But the match is about to start, the team is counting on him, and he can’t let them down just because he’s having a breakdown over a small fight with Regulus, so he tells James he’s fine and rapidly puts on his uniform. James gives them a pep-talk before the match but Sirius doesn’t catch a word.
When they gather at the field, Sirius feels nothing. No adrenaline rush, no excitement – just emptiness. Everything is blurred, and he can’t focus on anyone, so he holds tighter onto his broom and does his best to stay in the moment. His ears are ringing and he can’t decipher any of James’ final instructions, feeling like he’s drowning in the noise around him, and nothing feels real. How the fuck is he going to play?
Sirius closes his eyes and tries to relax as much as he can. He thinks of James and Peter staying up late at night to plan another prank or two, he thinks of Lily, Mary, and Marlene hanging out with them outside after classes and spreading rumors about other students, he thinks of his favourite song and the melody of it and how he sings along to it while at a muggle pub. None of his memories help much but at least his ears stop ringing, finally letting him focus on his surroundings.
Sirius looks over at the crowd cheering up for them and waves at Lily and Peter standing among other Gryffindors. Then he throws a quick look at Slytherins and catches the sight of Remus. That bastard looks a bit too good today. Did he dress up on purpose to distract Sirius even more? His mind was already elsewhere, and seeing Remus in his breathtaking gown (he’s wearing his usual clothes) looking worryingly at—Regulus? makes Sirius’ heart drop. Well, at least, now he knows he’s not dead if he can feel something. He refuses to think about the fact that it was Remus who made him feel this something.
Sirius holds his bat tight, and when he hears the whistle, he wastes no time in catching the sight of Mary and teaming up with her.
Everything goes according to plan – James keeps scoring goal after goal, meanwhile Sirius and Mary keep distracting Slytherins with Bludgers. Today the game feels like a chore rather than a pleasant hobby, and the only thing keeping Sirius in line is the disappointment James will feel if they lose because of him.
Marlene is waiting patiently for the snitch to show within her sight, and when it does, she rushes right after it, while Regulus tries to reach the golden sphere from the other side. Sirius stops for a second to make sure no Bludgers are coming in Marlene’s way (not as if they were supposed to) when he’s suddenly hit by someone right in the stomach. Well, that was definitely not part of the plan.
‘Fuck, Sirius,’ he hears as he holds onto his broom as if for dear life. Technically, his efforts to not let go off it will determine the extent of his injuries. ‘A Bludger was aimed at your head and you didn’t even flinch,’ Mary says angrily.
‘Avery?’
‘Mulciber.’
Sirius curses.
‘Fucker. I’m going to kill him.’
‘Yeah, and I’m going to kill you if you keep on being so fucking dumb. What were you thinking stopping in the middle of the game? You had a death wish?’
Sirius rolls his eyes. ‘Macdonald, please tell me we’re not too high,’ he murmurs while Mary tries to help him settle on his broom.
‘I’d be lying,’ she throws, leaving him hang in the air after making sure he’s more or less stable.
Sirius tries not to think about the pain spreading all over his body. He’s been in a far worse state (shoutout to Walburga and Orion) but he never actually had to play Quidditch feeling this shitty. Maybe he shouldn’t have skipped extra practices because they’ve definitely benefitted Mary if she managed to crash into him with such force. A quick thought of leaving the field and going to the hospital wing with Madam Pomfrey (who’s already looking at him worryingly) enters his mind but he simply rejects it and instead tries to focus on the game.
‘Another ten points to Gryffindor! James Potter is outdoing himself today!’ cries the commentator. It’s 120 to 20 now, but it means nothing to Sirius. He wishes Marlene would catch the snitch as soon as possible so that Sirius could finally land and feel solid ground under his feet.
He turns around trying to settle on his broom as comfortably as possible when suddenly his whole body fills with warmth and all the pain evaporates. He notes to thank Lily later.
The match goes on and it’s a dirty one. Slytherins have finally woken up and are now playing much more brutal. Everyone seems tired already and the cheering up from the crowd is now less enthusiastic, though Lily and Peter still keep holding slogans in Gryffindor’s support.
James gives a pass to a teammate who scores another goal, meanwhile Sirius aims a Bludger directly at Mulciber’s shoulder, smirking and high-fiving Mary. Mulciber leaves the field spitting blood on the ground (his fall wasn’t graceful at all) and throwing a threatening look at Sirius.
‘If I were you, I wouldn’t leave the dorm without your lot for a couple of days. Who knows what he’ll do if he catches you alone,’ Mary laughs.
Sirius rolls his eyes. ‘Thanks, Macdonald, but I can take care of myself.’
‘I don’t want anything bad to happen to your beautiful face,’ Mary shakes her head.
‘If I didn’t know you, I’d think you were flirting with me,’ Sirius smirks.
‘In your dreams, Black. Just be careful,’ Mary says flying away.
Just as Sirius is about to follow her, he hears a loud ‘Regulus Black just caught the snitch!’ and wipes his forehead in relief, secretly happy that the game is finally over and he didn’t (almost) fuck anything up.
Despite losing to Slytherin, they still throw a party. If there is any occasion which might involve getting drunk on a Friday night, there is no chance that either Sirius or James will ever pass up such an opportunity. Sirius is glad he can lose himself in alcohol tonight without arousing any suspicion. He deserves a drink, for Merlin’s sake, this day’s been an emotional rollercoaster, so when Mary and Marlene finally come with a few bottles of firewhiskey, he’s the first to drown his glass.
James is chatting with Lily and Peter while Mary goes to the dorm to change. She’s still wearing her Quidditch form, not having had enough time to change after the match. Marlene is trying to mix her drinks, murmuring some incantation. He wonders if she can increase the alcohol content in his firewhiskey.
‘Look at you, Black,’ Marlene whistles as he passes her a bottle. ‘Drinking away the pain?’ she gestures to his stomach.
Technically, she’s right, but it’s not his stomach that hurts.
‘Nah, I’m good, just a bit thirsty,’ he waves off. ‘By the way, Lils, thank you so much for the pain relief charm, it helped a lot,’ Sirius raises his glass to her.
Lily furrows her eyebrows and James looks wonderingly between the two of them.
‘What are you talking about, Pads?’ he asks.
‘Mary hit me during the match, the pain was excruciating, so Evans helped me out,’ Sirius winks at Lily as he drowns his second drink.
‘Oh shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t even notice that,’ James says apologetically.
‘’s okay, Prongs, all thanks to your ex-future wife,’ Sirius points his finger to Lily.
Lily looks at him surprisingly, turning for a second to James and shaking her head in denial. ‘Sirius, I didn’t do anything,’ she says in confusion.
Sirius blinks. ‘No, you did. I felt magic go through my body, and the pain stopped.’
‘I swear that whatever you felt, Black, it had nothing to do with me,’ Lily throws.
Sirius is confused. He’s sure someone used the pain relief charm on him, and the only person who could and would do it for him was Lily.
‘Wormy, did you do it, then?’ Sirius turns to Peter.
‘Sorry, mate, but no. I didn’t even think of it, to be honest,’ Peter shrugs his shoulders.
Sirius stands up and grabs the bottle Marlene left on the table.
‘Whatever. Let’s drink to anyone who was generous enough to help my ass out,’ he says raising the bottle and drinking straight from it. ‘By the way, McKinnon, what did you do to your drink? I saw you whispering something.’
Marlene smirks. ‘I’d tell you but you’re already drunk enough.’
‘I left you lot here for 10 minutes and Black’s already knackered?’ Mary raises her eyebrow as she comes up to Sirius and takes the bottle from his hands, taking a gulp.
‘Not yet, Macdonald, a couple of glasses do nothing to me.’
James claps him on the shoulder. ‘Cheers, mate.’
‘Cheers,’ Mary hands Sirius his glass and pours the drink. He loves his friends so much.
Eventually more people gather in the common room. Sirius notices a couple of girls from Ravenclaw and a group of Hufflepuffs, most of them are sixth-years. He drowns drink after drink but instead of feeling more relaxed he feels more and more strained. All of the emotions and feelings he’s been suppressing are now trying to break out of the web in which he had entangled them.
All of his friends are having fun and he wishes he were, too. James is toasting to their future victories and blaming everything on himself for not having had enough time to practice thoroughly with the team. Sirius thinks it’s bullshit. James spent every spare second of his time on extra practices, and it’s not his fault they lost today. After all, Regulus is a good (brilliant) seeker.
Sirius feels like everything in the room is too much. Too many people, the music is too loud, the alcohol burns his throat too much, and he’s too overwhelmed by everything he’s feeling. He grabs a bottle from some unconscious body on the sofa and heads to the portrait, determined to look for some quieter place. Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom isn’t on the list of his options, though.
‘Black, you’re leaving already?’ Mary shouts at his back.
He stops for a second and turns to face her. ‘Yeah, I want to go for a walk.’
‘Mind some company?’ she tilts her head to the side. ‘I promise not to be a bother,’ she adds.
‘Not at all,’ he simply answers.
They wander round empty corridors, handing each other the bottle from time to time. Sirius isn’t sure he wants to talk about his shit now, and he’s glad Mary isn’t asking him anything. It’s comfortable silence, and he’s glad he can share it with Mary. He doesn’t think either James or Peter would be able to stay quiet for more than 5 minutes.
‘I’m a lesbian,’ Mary says out of the blue.
Sirius raises an eyebrow. ‘Congratulations?’
Mary lets out a laugh. ‘Only you could say something like this when someone is literally coming out to you, Black.’
‘I’m sorry, Macdonald, but what else was I supposed to say? Good luck with shagging girls?’ he suggests.
Mary grimaces. ‘Whatever. I just wanted to let it out finally.’
Sirius takes the bottle from her hands and takes a sip. ‘Why did you decide to tell me about this?’
‘Just felt like it.’
‘Okay,’ Sirius replies.
They keep on walking and Sirius thinks about that one time when he thought of kissing Mary and was disgusted by it. Did it have anything to do with her being queer? Do queer people radiate some ‘don’t even think of me in a romantic or sexual way’ energy to the opposite sex?
‘Do you, like, send signals to blocks that you’re not interested in them?’ Sirius asks thoughtfully.
‘What d’you mean? Like, do I tell them to fuck off when they try to get into my pants?’
‘Do they? Try, I mean.’
‘Why are you even asking?’
‘Nevermind,’ Sirius finishes the drink. Well, if other guys still want to be with Mary, why doesn’t he?
‘Can I kiss you?’ Sirius asks boldly. ‘I need to check something.’
‘Are you fucking dumb? I literally just told you I fancy girls and you’re asking me if you can kiss me?’
‘It’s for scientific purposes.’
‘Like, can a straight dude snog a lesbian?’
‘Something like that.’
‘Fuck you, Black,’ Mary slaps him across the face and turns to leave.
That hurt. Sirius definitely should’ve attended extra practices.
‘No, Mary, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that—I never wanted you.’
Mary raises her eyebrows. ‘How is that supposed to make me less mad at you?’ she raises her voice.
Sirius shrugs his shoulders. ‘I don’t know. I just wanted to check if I never wanted you just because you radiated queer energy.’
‘What the fuck, Sirius? Maybe you never wanted me because you fancy dudes,’ Mary snarls.
‘I’m not like that, I’ve snogged girls!’ says Sirius in denial.
‘I don’t care. Just—Stop being a fucking prick,’ she rolls her eyes and leaves him standing in the corridor all alone.
Sirius brings the bottle to his lips, realising that he’s got nothing left to drink. Sighing, he just follows Mary back to the common room, hoping that the party is already over.
The party is not over. The music is still just as loud, though there are not as many people anymore. Most have already gone back to their dorms.
Sirius starts looking for his friends. James is showing off his abs to some Ravenclaw girls, Marlene and Lily are lying on the sofa, the latter stroking McKinnon’s hair, and Peter is sitting in the corner playing cards with some sixth-years.
Sirius grabs someone’s unfinished glass of firewhiskey. He’ll be extra hungover tomorrow morning but those are concerns of future him.
His walk a bit wonky, he strides to Marlene and Lily. Mary is nowhere to be found.
‘Heeeyyy my loves,’ Sirius stretches his words and throws himself into the armchair.
‘Merlin, Sirius, how much did you have to drink?’ Lily grimaces.
‘Definitely not enough if I’m still capable of thinking,’ he replies.
Lily just shakes her head and keeps on talking to Marlene in hushed voices, meanwhile Sirius’ mind is occupied with Mary’s last words. ‘Or maybe you never wanted me because you fancy dudes’. What does she know about him? Maybe she’s just not his type, that’s all. He doesn’t care about who his friends want to shag – girls, boys – whoever they want. But he’s not like that. He is into girls – he actually kissed Marlene last year. Not his fault she still turned him down.
‘Marls, why did you refuse to be my girlfriend?’ Sirius asks.
‘You’re not my type, Black,’ she sneers.
Sirius furrows his eyebrows. She must’ve liked him at least a bit when they snogged. ‘Then who is your type?’
‘Someone with a vagina,’ she lets out a laugh. ‘You were, like, my queer awakening. After kissing you I realised I was definitely into women.’
‘Merlin, is everyone in this room fucking queer?’
‘Well, are you?’ Marlene asks suspiciously.
‘Why would you even assume that?’ Sirius’ eyes widen at the prospect of radiating queer energy. He’s not queer, so why do others think he is?
‘Just asking, Black,’ she simply replies. ‘Lils, I’m off to bed. See you in the morning.’
‘Sweet dreams.’
Marlene gives Lily a hug and then strides to the dorm. Lily looks at Sirius, shakes her head disapprovingly, and leaves him, too.
Sirius sighs and finishes his last drink for today. He drifts off and kind of hopes he won’t wake up tomorrow.