Summer 1715
Cool blue water lapped at the white sand where Sirius had buried his bare feet. He'd been back on the island for a year, after five years of freedom away from his parents and a year of hell while they arranged a marriage he didn't want, he was so close to running off to escape it all. While he hadn't wanted to follow the men in his family and go into the Royal Navy, his schooling to do so was a blessing in disguise. He despised the regiment the academy had the students on, but that same academy had given him both James and Remus and some semblance of safety for Regulus when he joined. The waterlogged boy, James Potter, had been the son of one of the island merchants and returning from England with his uncle when they'd been attacked. Sirius and he had developed a close relationship in the time between them recovering him from the water and the pair going to England, with little Regulus following them about. And all that acted as established fact when Remus came into the picture. If James and he created an image of chaos all on their own, then Remus was an image of heaven he'd spent his whole life looking for.
In those years, Sirius had come to learn several things about himself. James was the other half of himself, his twin from across the sea. Regulus was life's gift, the boy he'd die to protect. And Remus, Remus was his heart and soul. Remus wasn't half his soul, he was his entire soul kept locked away in a body not his own and it killed Sirius just a little bit with each passing second that drew close to him marrying that McKinnon woman and not his dear heart called Remus.
The salt air blew in from the Caribbean Sea leaving a cool breeze that lingered. It was peaceful, unlike the hell of the Black family estate. Sirius had escaped in the early hours of the morning to escape any further wedding planning before it began. He'd first ran to the Potters before finding himself at old Fort Charles and then the beaches of the island. The fort was the first of many that had been built in Port Royal, the first bricks laid long before Sirius had been a thought in anyone's mind. Here, Sirius Orion Black was at peace. In the quiet of his own mind, he could wonder what life might be like as Sirius Lupin.
It was like that, bare feet in the sand and dreaming of life as Sirius Lupin that Regulus found him. Regulus had been back on the island a mere two months and in those two months Sirius had learned just how much a year away from him had changed him. For as long as Sirius could remember, Regulus hadn't been cold, he hadn't been distant, and he hadn't isolated himself. He knew that his brother had developed the tendency to feed into their parents aristocratic mania, self preservation of sorts to prevent further beatings, but he hadn't seen how it had manifested until he'd graduated and come back to Jamaica. Regulus might have been his little brother, the only thing remotely good his parents had ever done, but there moments came more often where Sirius could look at him and he didn't recognize what he saw. Regulus in his last year of school had become someone, something, that Sirius could barely recognize any more. It broke his heart.
"Mother is looking for you, if you don't return she'll send the calvary."
"Let her," Sirius sat up, sand in his hair.
"Sirius."
"Regulus."
"Don’t,” Regulus gave him that disapproving look he’d perfected.
“I don’t want to marry her,” Sirius, defiant and stubborn, was the second black sheep of the family, much to said family’s displeasure. After Andromeda had run off to marry a lowly merchant’s son, an act that went directly against the plan for her to marry a duke’s son, the Blacks had collectively decided that they couldn’t take any further risks with the younger generation. Despite the freedom he had been allotted, Sirius had attended school under the order that he was one day expected to marry his older cousin Bellatrix. It was just in his luck that the duke’s son Andromeda was supposed to marry had inherited his father’s title and estate in a freak accident paving the way for him to marry Bellatrix instead. With that the last of his female cousins, that Orion and Walburga we willing to make close knit alliances with, married off, his parents had been forced to look to look elsewhere.
The McKinnon family was old, not as old as the Black family but still old, and they had a substantial estate to their name back in England with holdings here in the colonies. Most important, the McKinnon’s had a daughter of marrying age.
“You don’t think I know that,” Regulus sat down on the sand beside Sirius. He kept his shoes on. “You’d rather be the family bachelor for the rest of your days, not tied to anyone and free to do as you pleased.”
That’s not true, Sirius though, You don’t know and you can never know but that’s not true. You’ll never know what I’d give up for Remus. “She and I wouldn’t work.”
“This isn’t about whether or not you’d work, its about what is good for the family.”
“And if I don’t care what’s good for the family and what’s not?”
“Then lie.”
A sham marriage and a lie to go to my grave with me.
--
Despite there difference, Regulus knew how to get just enough under Sirius’ skin to get him to do what he wanted. The pair walked back through Port Royal to the Black estate. As much as they both hated that house, despised its very framing as much as their parents within, there was little either could do except obey. On their solemn walk through towne they’d stopped at the Potter’s shoppe, see what new things had been brough in from the ships that morning and the night before as well as draw out the time it took to return.
“Hello, Mum!” Sirius called out to Euphemia Potter as he saw her cross the doorway of the back room.
Euphemia Potter was an older woman from the port city of Surat. She was clever and quick-witted and perpetually running other merchants and their ships in circles around her. While Sirius had learned that gold and cloth showed status and wealth from his parents, it was from Euphemia that he learned its quality and all that could truly be done with it. If his blood picked Orion and Walburga Black to be his family, then it was Sirius’ heart that picked Euphemia, her husband Fleamont, and her son to be his true family.
“Hello Sirius,” she returned from the back with a new bolt of fabric, beautiful and blue. “And hello, Regulus.”
“Need any help with anything?” Sirius was hoping he could draw out having to go back to the Black estate as long as possible. He didn’t need to look at Regulus to know that his younger brother had rolled his eyes at him and his antic.
“If you’d be so kind as to grab two bolts of embroidered linen, the ones with red flowers, and one of the plain fine linens. That should do for today, anything else I’ll have James grab it later for me.” She knew what he was playing at, he’d spent much of the past year in her home with her son and as little time as possible with his own family. Euphemia Potter could read Sirius Black like an open book and they both knew it.
Sirius walked past her, dragging Regulus along with him, to the back of the shoppe. The store and adjoining storeroom weren’t large by any means, big enough to fit a week’s worth of goods from England until another ship came to port. Fabrics, linens mostly with the occasional silk or wool, were kept together in the back right corner. Running his hand over the delicate fabrics, taking in their soft weaves and textures. Growing up, he knew what luxurious fabric looked and felt like but he could never tell the difference between some of them. He brushed his fingers along the embroidered linen Euphemia had requested. A part of him, that little voice in the back of his head that wasn’t his voice of reason nor did it tell him off, wondered what it would be like to wear the same kind of beautiful dresses that Mrs. Potter as well as the ladies of the island and back across the ocean wore. Did the ladies in the colonies on the continent also wear similar fashions?
“Come on,” Regulus, with a bolt of fine white linen in hand, pulled the two embroidered fabrics out of Sirius’ line of sight. He stacked them on top of one another before dropping all three in Sirius’ arms. The elder Black hadn’t expected it, they fell through the air for a moment before his mind caught up to world around him.
Regulus, standing just a hair’s width shorter than Sirius, eyed his older brother and the fabrics. He’d noticed in his time back on the island that Sirius had developed a taste for fineries that he had most definitely not inherited from their mother. His eyes would linger on beautiful fabrics and exquisite laces as if he needed to remember every detail about them, like his life depended on it. He’d seen him delicately brush his fingers along jewelry and feathers that were typically reserved to adorning women’s garments. But Regulus never voiced what he saw. As far as anyone else knew, it was Sirius being Sirius and he was keeping an eye out for things for his future wife no matter what thought Regulus believed might be going through that head of his.
He and Sirius walked back to Euphemia, “I do apologize, Mrs Potter, but I must be taking this one back now.” Regulus knew without looking that Sirius was dying inside, he didn’t need to look him in the eye to confirm it.
“Very well,” she took the fabrics from Sirius with a kind smile. “Do come round later for tea, James has invited Remus over later.”
While he tried to maintain a cold, hardened exterior towards his brother, Regulus silently mourned Sirius’ freedom alongside him. He knew all too well that he had no interest in marrying this Marlene McKinnon, nor could he figure out the gain for either family. In the late night hours, he’d stolen his way into his father’s study to search for the contracts only to find them missing. He’d spent a month searching for the reason for this marriage a year in the making with nothing but empty lock boxes and half heard whispers through doors. Sirius didn’t want to marry this girl and Regulus had seen how he watched Remus Lupin, another secret he’d take to his grave to protect his brother. Stuck in an arranged marriage was one thing but loving a man was something else entirely. Sirius had spent their youth protecting him from their parent’s wrath as best he could, Regulus would do his best to protect him from society and its thoughts on the matter if need be.
Sirius was quiet the way back. Not once did loud, boisterous Sirius utter a sound from the Potter’s shoppe to the Black estate; silent as stone he was.
As always, the Black estate was as icy cold as the day they’d arrived in Port Royal nine years prior and was just as cold as the manor he returned to after five years in England. The pair had barely stepped foot through the front door before Sirius felt himself being hit by a book.
“Five hours,” Walburga Black spat at her older son. Sirius stood tall, he tried to not think of the pain radiating through the side of his head. “You knew the McKinnons were to be here this morning so that we could settle the last of the agreement and that you were supposed to be here,” she hit him again, this time on his shoulder but just as hard. “Five hours your absence made me wait. Five hours I had to entertain Mr. McKinnon.”
Sirius wants to fight back, he wants to run out the front door and never return but he’s tired. That house makes him tired, his parents wear him down, he feels like he’s drowning in thin air with no escape. The only time he’d ever felt like he could breath on this godforsaken island was at the Potters, it was when he was helping in their shoppe and they’d let him sign the logs with ‘Sirius Potter’ and he could forget what his life was like with his so called family. They didn’t judge him, he wasn’t a disappointment that needed to be married off so he might be useful to them. He could breath around them, but he was tired now. Walburga and Orion were mentally taxing, like a slow acting poison that took time to kill.
He'd tried to run once, he’d made it to the Potters and had managed three days before soldiers were at their front door with orders to drag him back to his wrenched family. That had been seven months ago.
He followed his horrid mother to the front parlor where Mr. McKinnon sat. He looked like a kind hearted man, Sirius almost felt bad that he’d left him to deal with his parents alone for five hours. Orion Black sat across from him.
“With the time you caused us, we’ve already dealt with the last of the dowry. You need to sign the contract here,” Walburga picked up a quill and stabbed it at the end of the contract next to where Orion and Mr. McKinnon had already signed.
Sirius, silent and verging on catatonic, absentmindedly dipped the quill nub into the vile of ink and signed his name below his fathers.
And today, July 5th, 1715 is the day Sirius Black finally died, Sirius thought.
---
He couldn’t remember leaving the estate.
He couldn’t remember getting to the Potters.
He couldn’t even remember who it was that sat him down in the Potter’s parlor and handed him a cup of tea with too much milk and sugar, just the way he liked it.
He couldn’t remember any of it.
It was getting dark outside, and Sirius had no idea how long he had sat there. He knew he didn’t want to go back.
James Potter was pressed up close to Sirius’ side, but it was Remus Lupin, sat across from the pair and keeping an eye out for the slightest change to occur in Sirius, that watched out for them. He’d seen this happen before. The first time Sirius, loud and loving Sirius, had fallen into a silent stupor had been back in England. They’d been talking one night when Sirius had absent mindedly started talking about his childhood and the things his parents did to him and his brother when nobody was looking, about the bruises that had long faded that he still felt and the small scars that covered him from head to toe. At some point he’d fallen back on his bed, James and himself unable to see Sirius’ face and he unable to see the tears welling on their eyes, and had slowly drifted off- not to sleep but into an aimless stare. Sirius had gone still as stone without a single memory of any of it the next morning.
In the five years they’d spent with the Royal Navy, Sirius’ fits of catatonia had become less frequent and further apart, but they hit with a startling regularity when they’d all returned to the island.
Remus wanted nothing more than to scoop Sirius up in his arms and kiss the top of his head to stop the fits. He wanted nothing more than to keep him safe and happy. Remus John Lupin wanted Orion and Walburga Black dead for the pain they’d caused Sirius.
But he couldn’t reach out and hold Sirius close. He couldn’t kiss him and spirit him away to safety. He couldn’t make heartfelt promises and confessions of a deep love for the dark-haired boy that he’d watched grow into a young man. He couldn’t do any of that. Remus had to keep his distance. Sirius was getting married the next day and with that Remus knew his heart would die.
The three of them stayed like that through the night, stuck with one another trying to bring Sirius out of his head. At some point Monty, James’ father, had come in with blankets and pillows knowing full well that none of his boys intended to move that night. He’d watched them with a careful sadness, the kind that spoke volumes without saying a single word. Euphemia had tasked him with bringing them the linens as she knew she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from burning down the Governor’s mansion if she saw Sirius in that state. Monty wasn’t much better, having decided that Sirius was the second son that life had given him late, but he’d at least wait until morning to commit arson. Where Euphemia was sly and cunning in her revenge, he wanted the Blacks to know it was him.
He left the candles to burn out, a light to cast away the darkness that had settled over his boys’ lives. He hoped and prayed that one day they’d be alright.
The three boys woke with the sun, nineteen years old and dreading the life ahead of them for one of their own. They’d piled on the floor, buried themselves in amongst blankets and pillows that James knew were from other rooms in the house. He was pinned to the ground by his arm, Sirius’ head using it as a pillow while Remus held Sirius close to his own body. For the two of them James hated society. He’d seen the longing glances between, the wishful longing for something they could not have. By nightfall Sirius would be married to a woman he barely knew, a woman he’d be expected to have a family with to carry on the family name he hated all while his heart lay nestled in Remus’ chest. Oh, did James hate what society did to what could have been.
He stayed silent just as he always had and always would. It was safer that way.
---
The cavalry arrived in the morning. No matter how much they tried to ignore it, Orion Black was still the Governor of Jamaica with the island at his beck and call. He fully expected his eldest son, the great disappointment in life, to get married on that day.
The three boys woke to a carriage at the front door and two soldiers on order of Lord Black to retrieve his son.
They hadn’t even the chance to fully wake yet.
Despite several hours of near fitful rest, Sirius remained quiet. He was still drained from the days prior and the dread was sinking in now. There was no escape this time. He was silent as they took him away, took him from the family he wished was his own and from his beloved Remus. Sirius was well and truly dead inside, there was no way around it.
In his trancelike state, Sirius walked around the manor house and did as he was told without so much as a fuss. Regulus stood by his side the entire time. When it came time for him to send his unwanted bride a morgen-gabe, a morning-gift, he did so with as little thought of what was to come. He sat in his room, luckily he’d be moved to another house on the grounds after the wedding, and stared aimlessly out the window. It was Regulus that took care of delivering the morgen-gabe.
He was under strict orders to remain at the estate while the last little things were being dealt with, Orion and Walburga intending to keep their less disappointing son under their thumb as much as humanly possible, but he took one of the stable’s horses to the McKinnon property anyway. Despite the time and effort that had been put into this arrangement, the amount of time it had been going on for, and his return from England months ago, Regulus had yet to meet this Marlene McKinnon. He assumed that Sirius had just as little if not ever so slightly more experience with her presence than he himself did.
Regulus Black, second son of the govonour and presumed heir if his parents decided in the end that Sirius wasn’t worth it, stood at the front door of the McKinnon’s home and knocked.
The McKinnon came from old Scottish blood, ties to royals long dead but still held in high regard. Regulus had heard the complains from his parents regarding their family’s choices on a matter of things but there were only so many highborn daughters in the colonies that the Black family could align themselves with and keep an eye on their son.
Mr. McKinnon, who Regulus had met briefly the day prior, answered the door. It was a slight surprise to Regulus who was used to servants answering doors and taking on the mundane tasks of the house while those of means managed their lives and the lives of their families.
“Young Mr. Black,” he said. Regulus hadn’t caught his name the day prior.
With the tip of his head and a tight lipped smile, Regulus made his introduction brief. “I have brought a morgen-gabe for Miss McKinnon from her fiancé.” he told the man.
“Very well,” Mr. McKinnon had a kind smile about him and a gentle air to his presence. “Come in, come in.” He gestured for Regulus to enter. The man led him to a parlor, much smaller than those in the Governor’s mansion but still recognizable for its purpose. It was to be a receiving room today, a place to begin the reception after his brother signed his life away to a girl he didn’t love. “I’ll have Marlene sent for.”
Mr. McKinnon stepped out for a moment, presumably to either have a servant send for Marlene or to gather her himself. Regulus took the time to look around at his surroundings. The walls were of a pale cream matching with much of the decoration he’d seen so far. While the walls of the Governor’s mansion were decked in the portraits of long dead military men and royalty, befitting for an individual that only obtained the role due to a title, and heavy drapery, the McKinnon house felt open, warm, and homely. The windows that had lined the front of the house stood wide open with a cross breeze cutting through the room. The salt air was only soured by the nature of less than auspicious day.
Mr. McKinnon returned with a blonde haired girl and a box in hand. She had yet to dress for the wedding ceremony but kept to dressing in regular day wear. Her gown was of a light and airy material, pale blue in color, and perfect for the Caribbean heat.
Mr. McKinnon introduced the two. “This is Regulus Black, younger brother to Sirius. And this is my daughter, Marlene.”
Regulus tipped his head to her. “Good to finally meet you, I have heard so much about you,” he lied.
Marlene was silent. Regulus could not read her, this greatly annoyed him. He could not tell if she wanted this marriage to go through or if she were as distraught as his brother.
“This is for you,” he handed her the dark green box containing the gift.
She took the box with a small “thank you” before her father handed the box to him, he assumed that this was to be Sirius’ gift in return. Regulus knew that the gift for Marlene had not been chosen by Sirius, he couldn’t bring himself to have anything except the bare minimum involvement in the whole affair. Inside the box was a pearl encrusted locked with the Black family crest, she took it with a smile that Regulus could just make out as being forced.
He finally obtained at least some semblance of proof that neither the sullen groom nor lovely bride wanted this to go through.
After that the day passed in a blur.
At half the afternoon, Regulus sat back and watched as the last bit of his brother’s freedom was stolen from him. There was nothing he could do about it.
Sirius stood across from this Marlene McKinnon, a girl just his age that he barely knew and would never love, and felt the air seize up in his lungs. His heart continued beating aimlessly, as if it had yet to figure out that Sirius might as well be dead. He felt ice cold, the shirt that had been given to him that morning feeling rough against his skin despite it’s fine weave. Marlene, from what he knew, seemed to be a fine girl. Any man would have been lucky to have her yet here she’d be stuck in a loveless marriage.
Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius glanced to see if anyone else was as miserable as he. With his standing in society, many had packed into the manor for the wedding. There were faces he knew and ones he did not, not that he’d remember many of those in attendance anyway. He could see James not that far away, with Remus to one side and Regulus to the other. Behind them were other members of society, important folk and such. Between James and Regulus, in the the row behind, stood a girl with fiery red hair. Sirius hadn’t met her before nor had he seen her around, he’d remember that hair if he had. A part of him wished he could pause the ceremony so that he could ask who she was and thus delay the wedding even further, but such wishes could not come true.
He felt as Marlene took his hand. He looked back at the priest.
Oh, how he wished it was Remus stood across from him and not an arm’s length away.
“Wilt thou have this Man to thy wedded Husband, to live together after God’s Ordinance, in the holy Estate of Matrimony? Wilt thou obey him, serve him, love, honor and keep him in sickness and in health, and forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live?” The priest spoke in a monotone voice. He was addressing Marlene first.
“With this Ring, I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow…” Marlene’s voice faded out of Sirius’ hearing range. He stood there looking at here thinking of marrying his Remuswallowing for the hallucination that had begun to take hold of his entire being.
A wedding with Remus would have been beautiful. It would be outside on the beach late at night and they’d be barefoot in the sand. He’d ask Monty to officiate, or Euphemia, and then he’d spirit Remus away afterwards. There’d be no time to party afterwards as Sirius would have already had a ship ready to set sail the moment the finished their vows. Theirs would be a marriage based on love. At that rate, why have the wedding on the beach and not on the ship? Sirius thought. It would be good time management that way, and we could run off quicker. Away from duties and be pirates of the seas.
Sirius exchanged his own vows with Marlene all the while thinking of the wonder life would hold if he could take Remus as his husband and be a pirate of the high seas. But a little voice pestered Sirius in the back of his mind. What if Remus didn’t want to be pirates? What then? What if he wanted to settle into merchant life? So long as they were away from this wrenched island, Sirius found he’d be fine with it. He’d willingly help in anything Remus wanted to do with his life, he’d even stay at home hosting fashionable parties if that’s what his husband asked of him.
Remus, please save me. I love you. Sirius thought in a last ditch effort before following the priest’s orders for him to kiss his new wife.
The reception, held at the McKinnon household, was a lively affair. Well, lively for everyone who didn’t know how unwanted the marriage was. The oblivious were milling about, interacting with whoever they saw as having power to heighten their societal standing. Sirius couldn’t escape Marlene.
The pair had ended up backed against a wall, silent with as little acknowledging of one another as possible. When necessary they acted like the loved up couple they were assumed to be but the moment people were out of their sight they dropped it. Part of Sirius wondered what she was thinking. Was her mind as barren a hellscape as his own? Did she dread each passing moment as nightfall drew near?
He hoped that she hadn’t any lofty expectations for their wedding night, he knew he’d fail to meet every single one of them.
As night crept in and darkness blanketed the island, Sirius ran cold once more. Revelers began saying their goodbyes and good lucks to a happy and fruitful marriage. Sirius heard whispers that Marlene’s things had already been taken to the house they were supposed to share- Grimmauld Place it was called as every important place needed a name. Sirius hated everything about Grimmauld. It was cold and dark and most importantly it was owned by his parents. Like they’d shackled him to that manor, they knew that he would not be able to escape Grimmauld. The only benefit Grimmauld Place held was that he would no longer be living under the same roof as his parents.
The last remains of the wedding party closed for the night and the Blacks piled into their carriages to return to their estate. His parents had taken their own carriage to the McKinnon’s leaving Regulus with Sirius and Marlene. The younger Black brother sat across from his brother and new bride, not one of them made a sound for the duration of the journey.
As Sirius’s mind had long since left his body, he didn’t notice as Marlene headed upstairs when they were finally left alone at Grimmauld. He knew the layout and assumed which room she’d be in but he was by no means expecting to find her barricaded on top of a chest of drawers with a knife in hand.