The Bridges We Burn
Marlene had quickly developed a hatred for the idea that she was expected to be the dutiful daughter-in-law to the governor and would be expected to have as many children for his son as possible. She loved her parents, she did truly, but she loathed that it was they that had put her in such a position. It was just one of the many reasons she wished at times she could have been born a man. If she’d been born a man she wouldn’t be seen as the property of her father, she wouldn’t be carted off like cattle only to be married, she could marry for love is she so chose to, and most importantly she could marry Dorcas Meadows without anyone batting an eye. Well there might be a few that would bat an eye but she didn’t care, she didn’t give a damn about her love’s heritage only that she loved her in return.
She pointed her knife directly at Sirius when he walked in the room. "Stay back."
Marlene found the knife in the kitchen of her family's home, hidden away and impossibly sharp. No matter how she wielded it it would do significant damage.
Sirius froze at the door. "Would you put down the knife?"
"Take one step closer and the only place this is going is into your gut," she stared down the blade, leveling it to where she thought his heart would be. She'd taken the knife three days before and hid from her family in the dead of night to practice her throwing aim with it. Her aim wasn’t the best, for now at least, but she was more than willing to put it to the test.
Sirius pushed the door open the rest of the way and stepped to the side leaving the doorway empty. He stared at his new wife, wide eyed. “Is there anything that I can do that will make you put the knife down and I not end up with a stab wound?”
“Leave. Call for an annulment.”
“Alright,” Sirius backed himself up to the wall. “If I do that, where does that leave you?”
Marlene had yet to drop her blade.
“If I call off this marriage, what happens to you?” Sirius was used to protecting people, it had been his life’s work up until that point. He protected Regulus from their parents. He protected James and Remus from the wrath of the naval officers. If need be, he’d protect the woman he was forced to marry if it meant keeping her out of a bad situation. “I know what my family is like. I know that they will not take kindly to us demanding an annulment so soon after marriage, especially after all the fighting against going through with this marriage that I put them through. They will make life hell for you and your family if we go through with this, so, what will happen to you if we do?”
“You didn’t want this?” Marlene, in her shock at the realization, let her hand go slack and the blade slipped from her hand. It clattered to the wood floor moments later, the tip of it managing to jam itself between the floorboards.
“No, and clearly you didn’t either.”
The tension in her body began to ease. “Then why did you?”
“Because I’m the disappointment. Because I wanted to live.”
She had been up on the dresser, feet on the edge and knees to her chest. The only thing different about her attire at the wedding was that her shoes had been removed, all else remained. The long skirts of her gown being pinned to the dresser, her feeling them being pulled down making moving difficult, with her panniers rumpled from her position. She hadn’t a care in the world for what would happen to the beautiful dress, only that she get far away from her new husband.
Sirius, with all the courtesy of a gentleman, put his hand out to her. “Would you please come down from there? I will not do anything to bring you harm.” He knew what pain was and what it did to people. For all the pain he’d been raised with, Sirius would have rather die than willfully inflict harm on anyone else. Marlene didn’t seem to move so he inched closer to her, kicking the knife out of the way and gingerly taking her hand. As soon as both her feet were on the ground and she was no longer on the dresser, she quickly moved past him towards the door. Sirius sank to the floor as a show that he was not intending to get any closer to her than she deemed fit.
She stared at him, “What are you doing?”
“Sitting on the floor.”
“Why?”
“I won’t harm you and I won’t get any closer to you but you still haven’t answered my question. If I go forth with calling for an annulment, what happens to you?”
“I will go back to my family.”
“I hate to say it but, what will everyone else think? Divorce and annulment is still not something widely accepted.”
“I don’t care what other people think.”
Sirius thought that, if he hadn’t been forced to marry her, he might have been good friends with Marlene McKinnon, now Marlene Black. She seemed feisty and to possess a ‘take hell from no one’ attitude. He would absolutely love to see her take on his mother in an argument, the unstoppable wife meets the immovable mother.
“Can we come to any agreements on anything before we go so far as annulment?”
“Such as?”
“You do not wish to be married.”
“Correct.”
“If you speak your own reason or reasons will you be willing to hear my side?”
“I would not marry if given the choice,” Marlene sank to the floor much as Sirius had. She sat in a pool of fabric, had he been a painter Sirius thought she might have made for a lovely portrait in that moment.
“Nor would I.” In that moment, Sirius felt braver than he had any reason to simply from her tone. “Would you not marry or would you not marry a man?”
She sat silent across from him.
“Whatever your answer is, it will not leave this room. You have my word, Marlene.”
The inevitable end of the world might have very well come and gone before either spoke. Marlene stared at Sirius and Sirius at Marlene as if a silent dare had been issued to both of them. I dare you to speak first. No, you.
Sirius broke first after a long while. He always hated silence. Silence hurts the most. “If I had the choice, I would not have married you nor any other woman.”
“Choice?” Marlene immediately scoffed at him. “You always have a choice, you have money and a waiting title.”
“And no control in my life and have been beaten, mentally and physically, for as long as I can remember. I only have money so long as Orion and Walburga deem fit and I can guarantee that they are now positioning my dear baby brother to be their heir now that I am on the outskirts. Would you have married a man if you had the choice?”
“No,” she snapped.
“Now was that so hard?”
Marlene only realized that she’d given him her answer after he’d responded. She sat back, frozen as the lakes in Scotland during the winter. In her frozen state she assumed that he must have noticed her rigidness as he then told her, “If you’re not interested in men, that's safe with me. I won’t tell anyone.”
“How can I be sure you won’t use that against me? You have connections.” Despite having minimal information on what his life had been prior to their marriage, she knew he was being sincere in his own confession to her.
He met her eye and held her glance. “If I had the choice, I would not have married a woman.”
Much of the night was silent after that. The sounds of the waves on the beach rolling in through open windows, sweet salt air settling all around them. It was dark now with only the moon to provide any light. As they moved around one another, orbiting at a distance so as to not disrupt the delicate balance they’d come to, Sirius found that his things had been moved to locations similar to his room in the Governor's house.
They both quickly dressed in their night clothes, Sirius fascinated by the stays that Marlene had removed from her body. She cast them aside, left haphazardly atop the dresser she’d once taken refuge on.
“What are they like?” He asked her without thinking as he stopped himself from running his hands across the delicate lines of boning and stitches.
Marlene, who had her back to him, now turned around and let out a small laugh. “Awful if they don’t fit right and uncomfortable while you break them in, other than that you don’t really notice them.”
“If you had the choice to not wear them, would you?” He was mesmerized by them. Sirius found himself fantasizing about owning a pair for himself, dressing in them before donning the rest of the ensemble. In his mind his gown would be of a rich red, boarding on burgundy tone, with the skirt adorned in goldwork embroidery all made from heavy imported silks and in the style of the mantua gowns he'd seen in portraiture back in England.
“I don’t mind them if that’s what you’re asking,” it was the first time all night that Marlene had given him a straight answer to a question he’d asked.
“Where do you get them?” Sirius knew that Walburga had her gowns delivered, that everything about them had been brought to the mansion and kept away from prying eyes until the right moment. Not once had he ever seen where any of it had come from, nor who brought it.
“The tailor makes the stays, and the mantua maker makes the gowns.”
Sirius had taken to running his fingers along the delicate stitching. He’d once wanted to take up needlework when he was quite young, after having seen a sampler of Andromeda’s he had been desperate to learn. But his dreams had been crushed, ‘little boys don’t need to know needlepoint’ his mother had spat at him. “Do they only fit one person?”
Marlene was close to him now, slowly growing comfortable with the idea that neither one wanted the other in marriage or partnership. If they played their cards right, they could make for excellent friends but that would take significant time and effort. “Rarely, once they’re broken in they’ll fit that person best but it's possible that a new pair might be able to fit many similarly shaped people before they fit any one person.” She watched as his shoulders dropped as if he were disappointed in something. Marlene saw this as a chance to bite back at him, if he was so demanding on her thoughts on marriage then she could inquire about why he was interested in her stays, “Why?”
Sirius was quite taken with the stays.
“Would you want to wear them?” Marlene asked. Sirius looked up at her. If I were interested in men, I’d fall for you just for your eyes. They can’t keep anything a secret can they? She thought. “Nothing you say will leave this room.”
He didn’t say anything aloud but his eyes spoke volumes for him.
“We’ll have to get you your own pair then, you might be rather willowy but you’re still stockier than I,” Marlene said with a smile. If he were to be her secret keeper then she would be his. “Would you like just the stays or gowns to go with it?” Her head fell to her shoulder as she smiled at him.
“You mock me,” Sirius looked away as if he might be ashamed.
“I most assuredly am not, I am just saying that mine will not fit you so we have to get you your own. Why would we stop there?” She took his hand gingerly. In the pale moon light that poured in, Marlene could have mistaken Sirius for a doll had she not known him to be a man. Delicate in features, androgynous in look, tall and willowy.
She guided him back to sit on the bed, her just beside him. They both knew they were expected to be found there in the morning, having consummated their marriage in the night, but Marlene saw in him something new. This was not the same Sirius Black she’d stood across from at the altar.
“You’re taller than me and of a different build so my things would not fit. Do not take this as me mocking you and your curiosity.” She watched as his expression changed. He wasn’t looking at her, his eyes having fallen to his hands in his lap. “You wanted to know if I would marry a man if given the choice and I would not, I simply wish to know if you’d wear stays and a gown if it were your choice.”
“I haven’t.”
“I’m not asking if you have or have not in the past, I’m asking if you would if you could.”
He was silent for a moment, society and its rules beating down on him. His answer should be no, he knew that, but he couldn’t bring himself to lie to her. “Yes.”
Marlene had kind eyes, he had found, and a gentle smile too. Of all the women he could have been forced to marry, Sirius was thankful it had been her in the end.
-–
Morning light poured in as day broke. Regulus, having just awoken, had to refrain from drawing the covers up over his head to keep out the light. He sank back into the pillows, wishing they’d absorb him, as he heard the door creak open.
“Master Regulus, it is time to get up.” Mr Kreacher was the old family butler. He had his role in the house, full well knowing what it was, yet still took on others. At no point had he been asked to wake both Sirius and Regulus, here and back in England, but he did anyway. Regulus knew that Sirius hated Mr Kreacher with a livid passion for reasons unknown to everyone but himself. “Your father will be waiting for you in his study.”
Regulus stared up at the ceiling above, eyes vacant and mind dreading the future. “I will be down shortly,” he looked to see Mr Kreacher cross his room to open his window coverings for the day. He then crossed back to stand in his doorway. “You can go now.”
With a curt nod to Regulus, Mr Kreacher left him alone. Despair began to set in. Regulus knew, as soon as the ceremony was over, that his parents had deemed Sirius useless to the family. He knew that they expected him to demand an annulment or divorce and with that they’d cast him out. As soon as Sirius stepped back through that door they’d do their best to damn him in the eyes of society. Sirius might have been older but he, in the eyes of their parents, was the family disappointment.
He drags himself from the confines of his bed and begrudgingly dresses for the day. A part of Regulus had forgotten just how bad life under his parents roof had been, the freedom given back in England away from them- even if it were for military training- was leaps and bounds ahead of this. Knowing that Sirius, who had always been bright and lively all his life, had been broken by their parents in his year back killed Regulus inside. He had done everything to protect Regulus when they were younger, he knew his brother's body was riddled with the scars of their parents beatings so that none would be inflicted on Regulus, and he had been brought back into this hell to return the favor. The day he'd arrived back on the island, Sirius had been there at the docks with all distant eyes and hallowed out soul. His physical body had been present' just as it had been everyday since his return, but Regulus knew he was lucky to catch a glimpse of his long departed soul showing face. Charismatic and lively Sirius had been broken like cattle weren't and Regulus knew he was next.
Breakfast was already laid out by the time Regulus got downstairs, his parents already sat at the table. The air was thick between them. It only got worse with time.
After breakfast Regulus found himself trapped with his father in his office. Once he might have been pleased to be put in the position he was now, presumed heir to the Ancient and Noble House of Black, but now was not then. Back then he would have accepted the brutal beatings his parents gave, expected that to be normal for all and a means of ‘toughening’ him up. Knowing what he knew now, Regulus had wished on many a long night over the last two months to go back in time and hold his younger self.
He diligently tried to pay attention to whatever it was that his father was telling him about being ‘Lord Black’, not that he processed any of it. The last thing he could clearly remember hearing was about who balanced books and numbers of slaves.
Oh how he wished he could go back in time and convince his younger self that everything could be alright in the end.
With his mind elsewhere, reacting to the sudden movement was futile. A shooting pain erupted out of his hand where it lay on the desktop. It radiated outwards, forcibly curling his fingers in only making it worse. He couldn’t move his hand of his own freewill. The world around him felt as if it were coming to a screeching halt as Regulus watched his father bring the snake headed cane away from his now pained hand. He hadn’t hit him with the snake’s head itself, the teeth being rather sharp would have dug into the skin of the back of his hand with ease, but he did the next worst thing. Orion Black had taken the handle of his cane, not too dissimilar to one Regulus knew his cousin Narcissa’s husband owned, and brought it down onto the back of Regulus’ hand– the textures below the snake taking the brunt of the force and causing much of the damage. As it was drawn away, Regulus watched as the now deeply reddened skin had broken in some places and blood had begun to escape his injury.
“Get out, boy,” Orion directed in a tone that was meant to instill fear in the beholder. “Useless as his brother,” he mumbled under his breath as Regulus stood to leave the room.
The whole ordeal had lasted two hours. Two hours he had spent in his fathers office as he tried to mold Regulus into the new heir now that Sirius had been forced from the house.
His hand was shaking slightly now.
Regulus returned to his room, careful to keep his hand from view of anyone that might pass him. Shutting the door behind him, Regulus stayed put for a moment. When they had been younger, Sirius had been the one to bandage up his injuries– those from simply being a boy in a new place to explore or those inflicted on him by his parents– but he wasn’t here now. He was on the property, this much Regulus knew, but he couldn’t see Grimmauld from his window. Sirius was here but he wasn’t all at the same time. Searching for something to bandage around his hand, the blood beginning to pool now.
Where the skin was thininst bled the most, Regulus knew this, but there was something different about this. It had been Sirius that had always bandaged him up, Sirius who had learned that first. He had been the one to use whatever knowledge he’d acquired about injuries that had been done to him to help Regulus even when they were small children. Regulus knew that it was always Sirius that he could run to for help but it was in that moment, as he bangaged his hand with a torn off piece of an old kerchief at 19 years old the morning after his older brother had been forcibly married off, just how vital Sirius was in his life. Sirius had always been help and safety.
Help and safety would not be around forever, it wasn’t necessary to survive, that belligerent voice in the back of Regulus’ head declared.
By afternoon, with his hand still presenting a slight tremor from the earlier ordeal, Regulus had been sent to call for Sirius and Marlene from Grimmauld. The house was at the edge of the property but not too far to require a carriage to get there. By the time he arrived, both Sirius and Marlene were long gone and the house sat silent.
In the time after revelations, the newlywed pair had fallen into a comfortable routine for the night that consisted mainly of ignoring the other unless necessary. Marlene had been the one to break their quickly developing monotony.
“What will we do about people tomorrow?” Marlene asked from where she lay on her back in bed. They’d decided that it was likely they’d be expected to at least appear to have shared a bed the night before, even if that was all they did, should anyone come for them in the morning hours.
“Can’t we address that then?” Sirius retorted.
“They will be expecting us to have done things.”
“Like what,” Sirius rolled to his side to look at her with a glint of mischief appearing in his eyes, “fucked like rabbits to confirm our unwanted marriage?”
Marlene glared at Sirius, she held back what laughter she could. It was almost effective….almost. “Exactly, for people that are against it happening anywhere outside of a brothel they would be rather keen to imagine it happened.”
Sirius, in all his years, had learned to fake many things if the situation arose. “Where’s your knife?”
She was quiet for a moment as though she pondered the answer to the question or the reasoning behind it. “Why?”
“They’re expecting sex to have happened, let them think it did. Knife?”
Marlene, still unsure where he was going with this, stood up from where she lay to collect her prized knife. She had placed it on the floor a short distance from her side of the bed and wrapped it in linen so that its blade would be safe to be around. “Reason,” she demanded of him.
He rolled his eyes, “Out there, they’re expecting you to be a virgin up until your wedding night with your husband taking your maidenhead on that night.”
Marlene, not wanting to be spoken to in terms of what society expected, spoke without thinking it through first, “But I’ve already fucked men and women.”
“Love a girl with experience,” Sirius teased her. “But the expectation is still there. Knife and a small knick to get some blood on the sheets and whoever comes for us in the morning will be none the wiser of what truly happened.”
There was something, Sirius had discovered, that felt freeing to be around Marlene. He did not need to live up to some grandiose expectation set for him on what a husband should be, if anything was quickly finding a friend in the woman that was supposed to be his lover.
“Ruin nice sheets,” she mumbled but did as Sirius had suggested after seeing his reasoning in it.
She reached first for her finger, her left ring finger for the irony of what she was about to do, before Sirius stopped her. They’d notice if a fresh cut were on her hand when it had not been there the day prior. A look passed between them, something between ‘I’m sorry we have to do this’ and understanding, as Sirius reached for the knife. She sat back on the bed, blade no longer in her hand yet fingers still curled around the invisible handle. “They’ll notice there,” he told her. “Feet up.”
The right words did not exist to begin to describe how suspicious of him she felt. There might have been the inkling that they could at some point be friends but that ember was so new that Marlene knew it could easily be extinguished by one wrong move. She brought her feet up on the bed but held her knees close to her body pulling her legs and feet up under her white shift.
There was a persistent nagging in the very depths of her mind as Marlene watched Sirius make a small cut on her heel. It was just enough to get a few drops of blood out, enough to perpetuate their lie, before he pressed his thumb over the incision to stop any further bleeding. They could make this work– not as lovers mind you but as something else– and they might not end up entirely miserable in the long run. That annoying little voice, the one determined to drive her to madness in the middle of the night, had already begun reiterating to her all the things she shouldn't have said: she did not want to marry a man, she'd had sex with men before she married him, and she'd also had sex with women before. The man so carefully making sure her foot had stopped bleeding did not need to know that she preferred women over men, that she had no interest in men at all, but there was something about this man that made her feel like that information would be safe with him.