libraries don't work to stop thinking about your crush
It turned out that Evan and Barty had somehow managed to not get caught sneaking back in, much to the annoyance of Regulus because when he and Pandora opened the kitchen door for them they were greeted with two smug happy boys which meant a week's worth of gloating.
Pandora came back with them to the dorm room, despite being a girl and in another house she spent a lot of her time there with them. So there they were sitting in their dorm while Barty and Evan recounted their “amazing”, their words, trip to Hogsmeade.
“I told you that we wouldn’t get caught,” Barty gloats, as expected and all Regulus does is roll his eyes. “But you didn’t believe me.”
“Previous attempts weren’t exactly in your favor,” Regulus explains but Barty doesn’t care and at this moment neither does Regulus. While hearing Barty talk about how right he was was never a fun way to spend an afternoon it was a distraction from thinking about James after the library did the exact opposite.
Barty continued to talk and Evan joined in clearly just as happy as Barty was but there were some moments where it looked like Evan might have even wanted Barty to stop talking. I wonder what that’s about? Regulus sarcastically thinks. Of course he knows what those moments probably were. Even if Barty and Evan might not admit that their excursion today was a date, everyone in the room knew it was.
Barty’s gloating was straying from helpfully mind-numbing back to normal annoyance but Regulus was once again determined to stop thinking about James. And once again it was not going well.
Think about something else, Regulus told his brain. Quidditch, James plays quidditch. Potions, do I have any assignments due? Who cares I spend all of my time staring at James in that class. Ugh, his brain is not being helpful right now! Parties! How’d he land on that? Who cares if it stops his thoughts of James, what was the last party he went to?
The last party Regulus had been to was at Ravenclaw, and to be honest he remembered little of it. He was very drunk and it was over a month ago. Most parties lately had been uneventful, or at least nothing had warranted him to remember things. Regulus likes to stay away from most parties except when his friends drag him, he especially stays away from Gryffindor parties, for reasons known as James. The last eventful party he’d been to was last May in Hufflepuff, where he’d ended up kissing Barty.
That party had been crowded and loud, Barty and Regulus were talking, both of them had a potions exam the next day so neither of them had been drinking. Barty was going on and on about Evan and Regulus had been beginning to wish he could drink.
Evan had been staring at Barty and Regulus for practically the whole night. Regulus could recognize the look of jealousy he was displaying having worn it many times while looking at James with Lily. That might be the main reason he stopped going to Gryffindor parties, the second had to have been how stupidly beautiful James would look when he was drunk and would start dancing, no one had any right to look that perfect while dancing so terribly.
And though Evan probably had to have known there was no need for jealousy he had continued to stare, but Barty was too oblivious to notice and when Regulus had tried to tell Barty he would turn and Evan would look away at lightning fast speed, and Barty would then claim that Regulus had been lying. It was a never ending cycle, all night long. Pandora had been on a date with Xenophilius and Dorcas was flirting with Marlene, so Regulus had to deal with his idiotic friends himself.
Eventually Regulus got tired of Barty saying for the hundredth time that he couldn’t find a way to bring up the subject of a relationship with Evan, so Regulus had suggested they kiss. At least it was a way for Barty to shut up for the moment and then have to talk to Ev about his real feelings.
He’d kissed Barty before so this had been no big deal to them and Barty did finally talk to Evan later that night and the dopey stupid smiles they were both wearing the next morning, clearly meant they’d stopped being stupid and had an actual conversation.
What Regulus hadn’t been expecting was that everyone would think that he and Barty were dating. Apparently everyone at that party had been less drunk than Regulus had previously accounted for.
That nightmare of a rumor mill lasted for nearly 4 months. Apparently people at this school are really slow at comprehending when something isn’t true, he was still correcting people into September.
Unfortunately, his memory train that had been delightfully keeping James Potter out of his mind comes to a grinding halt when he remembers the reason people stopped asking him about Barty was everyone was talking about James and Lily.
Fuck! He thinks. He’d been so close to not thinking about James anymore. Does he have any memories that he can’t tie back to James Fucking Potter?!
Defeated by his own mind and feelings, Regulus zones back into the conversation which has turned to Pandora explaining a new idea for a potion that would allow her to see animagi like thesterals (without needing to see someone die).
“Think about it,” she was explaining. “Anyone we know could be an animagus and we would be able to tell just by looking at them.”
“How does that work?” Evan asks, curiously leaning on the edge of his bed, Barty was on his own and so was Regulus with Pandora next to him. “Would you be able to see them as their animagus when they aren’t in it?”
“I’m not sure,” Pandora explains. “I need to be able to test it and there’s one more ingredient that I cannot for the life of me find.”
“What is it?” Barty asks.
“A Purple Passion Flower,” Pandora answers, sounding defeated. “It’s native in the southeastern United States so, nowhere near us and I have no clue how to get it, might have to wait for break.”
“Professor Sprout took a trip to the United States this summer, she was talking about it in class today,” Evan says, and Pandora lights up. “Maybe she brought back a passionflower, she had a whole mess of new plants on the classroom walls today.”
“Really?” Pandora asks, looking overjoyed at this new information, I’m glad she has a good distraction from James and Lily, Regulus thinks. “I’ve got to go talk to her!”
Pandora then got up and nearly ran right into Dorcas when she was running out the door.
“Sorry, Cas,” She yelled back as she ran down the stairs.
“What was that about?” Dorcas asks, looking confused.
“Purple passion flowers,” Barty says, as if that made perfect sense, Dorcas laughed and brushed it off. She'd been playing quidditch all afternoon and said she’d meet them in the dining hall after a shower so Barty, Evan, and Regulus went down to dinner.
Dinner consisted of trying to get details out of Dorcas about what she claimed wasn’t a date with Marlene, despite the blush that came onto her face when they brought it up. And Barty and Evan recounting once again their excursion, that was also not a date, and Regulus trying to ignore the gaping hole at the Gryffindor table where Remus, Sirius, Peter, Mary, Lily, Marlene, and James usually sat.
It's for the better, Regulus tells himself. If James Potter were sitting at that table all Regulus would be doing would be looking at him, who is he kidding, he’s not there and all Regulus is doing is thinking about him. There’s no winning, he thinks, will this crush ever go away?
For the moment the answer seemed to be no. Dinner ended and Regulus was walking back to his dorm, Barty and Evan elected themselves to bring Pandora some food and Dorcas was smiling and chatting with Marlene who’d come down 5 minutes before dinner was over.
Regulus was walking down the empty hallway back to his dorm when about the worst person that could have showed up showed up. James, practically skipping down towards the dining hall, towards Regulus.
Regulus could feel the former dinner in his stomach turn to butterflies in an instant.
“Hi, Reg!” James says, and oh how could that nickname sound so annoying and endearing coming out of his mouth? Regulus could feel his brain short-circuiting when James stopped in front of him smiling as bright as the fucking sun, clearly his malfunctioning thoughts were showing up on his face because James proceeds to ask. “Are you okay?” Looking concerned enough that the sun fades out of his smile.
“I’m fine,” Regulus says, thankful to regain some brain function, trying to hide his desire to just move closer and kiss James until the fucking sun comes back to his smile because just looks wrong without it and if he was brave enough he would, no one was here and James was standing just close enough to him but his brain shuts down those thoughts in an instant. He’s in love with Lily. He doesn’t want to kiss you. He doesn’t love you. So instead of pathetically and uselessly begging James to love him, he just says “Fuck off, James.”
James’ face almost displays confusion, not hurt which is what most people would look when they’re told to fuck off. Regulus decides that he can’t stick around to find out why James looks confused because if he does he’s afraid that he’ll give in to his desires and end up saying or doing something he’ll regret, so he turns and walks to his dorm. He can hear James start walking the other direction and part of him wants to turn around and keep talking to him. Thankfully the sensible part of his brain reminds him that James is in love with Lily and whatever smiles he gives him in hallways won’t change that fact.
Regulus gets back to his dorm room and James’ sun soaked smile turning to worry then confusion was still present in his mind. Why did he look confused? Regulus thinks, It’s not anything I haven’t told him before. It’s true, Regulus told James to fuck off more times then he could count, despite lying nearly every time, James always would still smile at him, somehow he found this new reaction weirder. What was different this time?
At this point Barty and Evan had come back and gone to bed and Regulus had changed out of his uniform, brushed his teeth, and was now lying in bed still unable to stop thinking about James Potter. The light falling out of his face which led to Regulus thinking about his face, then his smile, that stupid beautiful smile. This was a slippery slope that ended with Regulus thinking about James’ lips and before he let those thoughts overwhelm his mind he frantically tries to stop himself.
Desperately trying to get his brain to shut off, he’ll probably never know why his answer had thrown James off. If I could just get my brain to comprehend that then I could go to sleep without any more thoughts of James Pot– Oh no.
Regulus had called him James. He never calls him that, despite it being his name and James always pleading for him to use it, Regulus always tries to never say it. First it had been plain annoyance and dislike for him but now Regulus viewed it as more of a block between them, as ridiculous as that sounds, it was his own form of self preservation. He never used James’ name and kept their interactions as impersonal as he could, which was impossible because he was talking about James Potter but Regulus still tried.
Fuck! Regulus thinks, Why did I say that? Why did I not notice I said that? What was James thinking now? Did I accidentally let something else slip? Have I let other things slip in the past? Fuck!
Now he’s definitely not going to be able to sleep tonight, let alone stop thinking about James Fucking Potter.
I need to talk to Pandora.