Chapter 23
December 23rd 1977
The entire first half of his sixth year, Regulus didn't remember much. The tiny amount of happiness he had had, was gone for good. The only light at the end of the tunnel, his sunshine, James was gone. It had been his fault of course, his decision in the end. James had not protested much, but Regulus hadn't taken offence to that.
If James had been the one to end things, Regulus wasn't sure if he would've even survived that. So he knew that James was hurting. He knew how unfair he had been, he knew how wrong the decisions he was making were. But in order to fully commit to what he was doing with the dark lord, he had to let go of James.
Laying in his childhood bedroom, wasn't exactly helping his depressive behavior. Regulus had changed. The second he had entered Hogwarts in his first year, he had taken a step towards being the person he wanted to be. He had come so far, worked so hard, even after being shot down countless of times.
But in this room, no progress had been made. Everything was exactly as he had left it all of those years ago.
The vanity, the floral wallpaper, all of the things that Regulus had hated whenever he was home. Apparently being acknowledged by the dark lord wasn't enough for his mother to let him redecorate his room.
He should be happy. He wanted to be happy. Someone finally put him first, made him feel important. In his work with the dark lord, Regulus had felt a sense of power that he had never known before.
It was the type of feeling that made it impossible to turn back.
Throughout all of this, he knew how easy it would be to let it all go. How easy it would be to run right back into James arms, and save Regulus, like he had wanted to so badly all along.
January 5th 1978
James felt as though had not been able to breathe, since Regulus had walked away from him.
That was almost four months ago now, and nothing had changed.
The more he had fallen in love, James had laid absolutely everything he had in Regulus hands, which he had now thrown to the floor.
James felt broken. Unfixable. Everyone around him was worried. The sunshine boy, who had been sitting in a corner with tear stained cheeks, on christmas morning.
He had hoped So badly, that maybe, just maybe Regulus would still send him something. Just anything, to tell him that maybe things could be fixed.
But he hadn't. Of course he hadn't. James knew he had already lost, that he would never be able to get his Regulus back.
The Regulus who would get insanely flustered everytime James had kissed him, was the same Regulus who hasn't smiled in months. At least not while James had seen it.
James felt stuck. He knew that since he hadn't been able to get Regulus out when he had the chance, the pair would now have to fight against each other.
James, Sirius, Remus and Peter, as well as the girls, had already agreed to join the order, the second they graduated.
James had wanted to scream. He had wanted to get on his knees and beg Dumbledore to get Regulus out, whatever the consequences might be. But he hadn't. He had signed a piece of paper, and that had been it.
“Prongs” Sirius was waving a hand in front of his face “Hm?” James said, getting out of his trance “Something happened, i gotta talk to you” Sirius got him out of his chair in the common room, and up the stairs to their dorm.
“You're scaring me Pads” James said, sitting on his bed “Well it is scary actually” Sirius took a deep breath, sitting down as well.
“When we got back, I went to the muggle phone at the station because Andromeda had asked me to call her. She had said it was urgent. Of course i didnt believe her at first… but fuck. He got engaged James, over break” Sirius explained.
James felt numb. His brain couldn't process the words leaving Sirius' mouth “Some pureblood from France, Andy didn't get more information than that. But I'm so sorry mate, this really sucks..” Sirius continued, since James hadn't said anything “Fuck..” was all that James said, not being able to register what had actually happened.
That same night, James saw Regulus at the tower and decided to confront him about the whole thing.
He had hoped he would be able to keep it together, to show Regulus that he was trying to move on. But the second they looked at eachother, his eyes welled up with tears.
Regulus was better at hiding it, but James could tell he was struggling as well.
“You got engaged”
“I did”
“How could it even end like this? I love you, I love you more than I love anything in this world Reg..” James decided that this was too important, to try and act tough.
“Dont, don't you dare make this worse for me” James watched Regulus be surprised that his own voice cracked at those words.
“I didn't say I love you to hear it back, I never did, i said it to make sure you know”
“James..” He tried so hard, not to cave in.
“No. I look at you and it hurts Regulus. It hurts because of how badly I'm in love with you. And it scares me, to think about the things that I would do for you, without even thinking. You know I would do anything to get you out of it. I would lever let anybody, or anything hurt you, I have never felt this way about anyone before, so again it scares me because-....”
“Because you can't get me out of it James. It's happened, you can't save me….and as of right now, i don't even want to be saved” Those words felt like a punch in the stomach to James
“If you had just come to live with me when Sirius did, none of this would've happened..” James tried.
“But I didn't. I don't need you to be the hero James, I don't wanna be saved. I am in this whether you like it or not and there's nothing neither of us can do…..Im sorry” Regulus took a step back, as James took one forward.
“Promise me. Promise me that if anything, anything at all goes wrong, you come to me. I don't care how much horrible shit he makes you do, I will get you out of it the second you'll let me” James practically begged.
“I will, I promise James. And when this is all over-”
“Then I'll come find you, or you find me. We can make it work, just as long as you promise” James dared to reach out to take his hand, and to his surprise Regulus squeezed it back.
“I promise”