Chapter 16
James felt as though he had done nothing but worry about Regulus for the past couple of days. He felt so deeply in his chest that something bad was going to go down, the second he was out of his reach. He cared so much, so much that it scared him at times. He wanted nothing more than to just be able to take Regulus home with him, and make sure that he was safe, and protected.
The worst part about it, was that he couldn't really talk to anyone about it. It hurt him so badly that none of his friends knew how shitty things were for him at the moment, and how much he was struggling.
James had always been the person people come to with their problems. The one they come crying to, desperately asking to be cheered up, and James simply has to deliver. This means that there's rarely any time for James to be vulnerable like that. He can't be openly sad, because then there's a chance that someone might see him as anything other than the always happy friend. That's his thing, his entire personality. But with current events it felt like the whole damned thing was crumbling down.
In such a short amount of time, Regulus had managed to take up so much of his attention. He took up his entire thought process, as well as having filled up the entirety of his heart.
Of course this was not exactly a bad thing, but seeing as he wasn't able to express any of this, it was becoming an inconvenience.
“But are you sure that it'll be fine?” James had asked Sirius, for a thousand time. Sirius sighed, simply leaning back against Remus in the couch they were on “Yes prongs. If there was the slightest chance that it was unsafe, I would not let him go back. Though I know for a fact that he has made up his mind. So even if I disagreed, he'd never come with me” Sirius explained “That is true, he is incredibly stubborn. Quite annoying actually” James said, mostly to himself. He looked up at Remus already watching him, with a sort of knowing look on his face “Exactly, so I am sorry but there's not much we can do. Also I would rather not have to share Effie with anyone else” Sirius said like a child, making James smile.
James had once again snuck out of bed, grabbed the cloak and was nearly at the top of the astronomy tower. He then realised that he had forgotten the map. He of course knew that Regulus would be there waiting for him, but the panic was caused by any of the Marauders seeing them there. Especially Sirius, but he had been snoring loudly when James left, so it wasn't likely.
James let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding, once he saw Regulus again “No” Regulus said, making James take a step back “Huh? I haven't even said anything yet” James said, walking up to where he was standing by the railing “But i already know what you are going to ask me” Regulus said, and James then understood “Have you even thought about it? I mean actually thought about it. Not letting your anger towards Sirius affect your decision” James asked, and Regulus sighed “Yes James, I have thought about it. Of course in some magical other world, I would love to just run off into the sunset with you. But that's just not the reality here. I can't go with you, they'd never forgive me” James opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off “And I know you want me to just be fine with it like Sirius probably is, but I can't. I love them, they are still my family James…” he explained, and James nodded “I understand that. But you also have to understand that the reason I want you to come with me is because I'm scared that you won't be safe there. That I can't protect you” he confessed “You don't always have to protect me. I'll be okay, it's only like two weeks. I've survived worse” regulus chuckled, making James smile “I am gonna miss you though, you can't tell me not to miss you” he said taking a step closer “Oh i know you will” Regulus simply smiled, making James roll his eyes “So you're just gonna pretend that you won't miss me too?” he asked, smirking “I didn't say that, you are insufferable though” Regulus smiled “Oh but that's the part you're gonna miss the most, i know that much” James said “And that's the problem, I think you are starting to know me too well”
James had snuck off from the others, desperately searching for Regulus, wanting to say goodbye one last time. He was nearly running, when he finally found him, luckily he was alone. James simply grabbed his hand, pulling him behind the nearest wall “what the- James?! You cannot just do that. I thought i was about to get bloody kidnapped” Regulus said annoyed, taking his hand away from James's “I am sure you would be very happy with me as your kidnapper. But no, I just wanted to give you something, and say goodbye again incase-” Regulus stopped him “merlin James do you always have to be so sentimental. What did you wanna give me?” he asked, folding his arms.
He watched carefully, as James reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out a small box with a ribbon on it “just a little something for christmas. I didn't put a card, in case your parents find it” James smiled proudly, as he handed him the box.
Regulus sort of paused in disbelief, but took the box “I- Thank you” he almost smiled, and then put it in his bag.
They heard the train whistle “Can I? Just once please?” James asked, having reached up and very carefully cupped his cheek “If you must” Regulus said, hiding a smile. James bent down, kissing him longingly “Alright i've really gotta go now” Regulus said, pulling them apart “Right, sorry. Take care okay?” James said, as he walked off and just nodded.
James felt like a piece of his heart was missing, as he sat lazily against the train seat. He wanted to cry, but knew he couldn't. There was the fact that he was scared for Regulus of course, but the worst part was having to be apart from him.
They had been meeting in that bloody tower, every night for months now, and it was killing him.
He let out a deep sigh, turning his gaze towards his three friends, looking almost as exhausted as him. Remus looked at him, again so knowingly, it sort of scared him. Remus always sort of just knew stuff, and James really hoped it wasn't the case this time.
As expected, Christmas was incredibly dreadful. Of course his mothers cooking had helped a tad, but still dreadful. Luckily it hadn't been so obvious that Sirius had noticed that anything was wrong. He has his own problems, constantly rambling on and on about how much he missed Remus.
James couldn't take it, so he had called Remus on the muggle phone, begging him to come over for christmas day, explaining how insufferable Sirius was being. Of course Remus had agreed immediately.
It wasn't until it was nearly evening that Remus had a second alone, seeing as Sirius had been holding onto him the entire time. James had felt overwhelmed, and gone outside for some air.
“Are you planning on telling me yourself? Or should I just tell you how much I know?” Remus had walked out there, taking a seat on the bench beside him “What?” James asked, sitting up straight “Come on prongs, you know I'm not gonna force you to tell me. So i'll just be here waiting until you do” he sighed, leaning back “How long have you known..?” James asked, terrified of the answer “I've speculated for a couple of weeks, but had it confirmed about a week ago” he explained “Confirmed? But how- the map! Oh no Moony please don't tell me you told anyone else I can't-” Remus laid a comforting hand on his shoulder “James, first of all breathe, I didn't tell anyone. Now explain your part. How long have you been sneaking around with your best friend's brother?” Remus asked, making him sigh and his cheeks heat up “Merlin keep your voice down. And i'm not sure to be honest, ive had feelings for him for a long time, but the first time something like, you know happened between us was like two weeks after halloween” he confessed “jesus prongs…” Remus sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose “this is incredibly dumb, you are aware of that right?” he asked and James nodded “I-Im just. I care about him so much, he's all I can think about. I know its dumb and risky but its so worth it, ive never felt like this about anyone before…” he explained, tearing up, suddenly very emotional “Its okay James, im not gonna get mad at you. Of course I am very happy that you have found someone who makes you happy, but god did it have to be Regulus?” Remus chuckled slightly “You know me, go big or go home” he chuckled wiping his eyes “Are you planning on telling Sirius?” he asked “I don't know. Well I sort of have to at some point. I've just been avoiding the subject” he explained “I can see why. I can't even imagine how he's gonna react to it..”
They had opened almost all of the presents for the night, but James spotted another one. It was square, and a green ribbon around it. He took it, checking the note.
Merry Christmas
I do kinda miss you
R.A.B
He immediately opened it, quietly so nobody would ask anything. He instantly smiled to himself. It was two books wrapped together, one called “Astrology for dummies” and the other was a book to learn french.
He rewrapped them, quickly hiding them away, but being unable to hide the smile on his lips.