james
It’s dark, though maybe that’s just because his eyes are closed. James does that a lot now. Even when he’s awake, he just keeps his eyes closed. It’s safe behind his eyelids, nothing can get to him there. He doesn’t have to see the mark on his arm, he doesn’t have to watch the days pass by as he wastes away, he doesn’t have to see anything at all. Some days he doesn’t put on his glasses either. If he opens his eyes and everything is blurry… Well sometimes that’s better than having to see the world that they live in.
He does however miss seeing Regulus when his eyes are closed. If he could open his eyes just to see Regulus without any of the other stuff, he would. In all honesty, he is the only reason he keeps opening his eyes at all. If he didn’t have him, well he would probably just fade into nothing. Simple as that.
It’s not just dark, it’s also a bit chilly. Though it shouldn’t be. He thinks that it’s summer, that sounds familiar. His birthday has gone and past, this he knows for sure. It was a fairly decent day, one where they pretended all that has happened and all that they have done doesn’t exist. James smiled that day. In turn, that made Regulus smile, and then they both smiled even more. Maybe even let out a few laughs for the first time since Hogwarts.
So it’s definitely at least spring, but probably already summer. The air shouldn’t be cold, but it is. Their house is never that cold either. It really doesn’t make sense as to why James shivers now. He could simply open his eyes and solve this mystery, but he’s not ready for that. James isn’t quite ready to face the day, to face reality just yet.
James doesn’t remember waking up today. He does know that he went to sleep at some point after Regulus went out to complete the first part of their mission. Retrieving the horcrux. The first step to their eventual freedom. That’s the end goal for it all. Once they have the horcrux they can destroy it. And once they destroy it, they can be free of the mark and find a way to move on.
He isn’t foolish to think that once that’s all done that they could go seek out his old friends. Too much has happened that they wouldn’t want to hear him out. Even if he’s part of the reason the war ends for the better. James used to want nothing more than to have them back, but now he barely lets himself think about them, if at all. It’s far too painful. He would much rather picture the mundane life that he and Regulus will soon have. Just them. Just them getting to be happy and learning to let themselves live again.
It was likely going to take all night, so Regulus told him to get some sleep while he was gone. He would have anyway. It’s become a routine that whenever he’s off on a mission or getting things they need around the house that James sleeps. He isn’t very good about staying awake on his own now. He hates it. He knows that he used to be full of life. He used to be that shining light that people could count on. Now he feels more like a waste of space and something that stays in the corner of the house collecting dust. That isn’t what James wants to be, but it is what he’s become.
It’s weird. The person that he used to be feels so distant now. Like James now and then aren’t the same person at all. They don’t have the same life, or the same friends. It’s hard to fathom that he once lived that old life full of joy and laughter.
There aren’t many times that he leaves the house. Well, that’s a bit of a lie. He does leave and he does do things, just nothing worth noting. Any assignments he’s sent on only half remain in his memory. The worst parts linger, but he goes away after them. The first time he felt himself slipping away he tried to fight it. James didn’t want to lose himself, he couldn’t. He had to be strong and present and there to make sure Regulus was okay. It got harder each time after that. He stopped having the energy to fight it. Regulus doesn’t mention it, he never says how long James is out of it for, he doesn’t complain at all. He simply takes care of him.
This time he knows that he had slipped away for a bit, a few days maybe. Since the last assignment, though he doesn’t fully remember what happened during that. Or when it was. It could have been yesterday or a week ago. He does know that he’s back and just fell asleep. Now he’s awake and it is still dark and weirdly cold for a summer night. It’s never this cold in the house unless it’s winter or one of them left the window open perhaps.
“It’s a gorgeous night, isn’t it?”
At this, he blinks his eyes open, glasses somehow already on his face. “Reg? You’re back?”
They aren’t in their house. The night sky is fully visible in front of him. Just like it always was whenever they went up to the astronomy tower together. That’s where they are, now that he looks around. Nothing has changed, it still looks the same. Except they shouldn’t be here, they shouldn’t be able to be here. Are they really here?
“Remember when I taught you the stars? Can you find mine?” Regulus ignores the questions and continues staring off into the distance.
It confuses him. James is sitting here, simply put, completely baffled. Not just because they are in the astronomy tower and he has to idea how or when they got here, but mostly because Regulus is ignoring what he is saying. He isn’t answering him and is instead talking to him like everything is normal. Like things are how they were nearly two years ago.
“I remember, I think. What are we doing here?”
Regulus leans his head on his shoulder and the simple touch seems to calm him. There are still a million questions swirling around in his head but that doesn't matter now. The two of them have had plenty of time on their own this last year, but not much time like this. It’s refreshing. Just being able to be together where nothing else matters and the warmth of each other fills the space and wraps them up tight. Even in the cold air of the night. James has since forgotten the chill he felt before, now only registering the heat from Regulus’ hand in his.
“Looking at the stars. See that one there?”
It’s just like it used to be. James can’t for the life of him properly follow the line of his boyfriend’s finger to spot the right star, though he has never admitted it. He wants nothing more than to be able to know the stars as well as him, but there’s only one real star that he wants to look at.
When James stays silent, he just carries on rambling about the stars. Regulus could talk about the stars for hours, and he has over time. No matter if he’s heard it all before or it’s a new story about a different constellation, James hangs off his every word. To be fair, he could listen to him talk about anything and be equally happy, but with the stars he does also want to learn about them. They’ve always fascinated him even before he came to know the boys named after stars.
“If you follow that curved pattern of stars there, that one is Draco. It means dragon. There’s a few origin stories for it, but the one I learned is that this is the dragon that was killed by Heracles during his twelve labors. If you look above the head of the dragon, you can see the Hercules constellation stepping on him.”
“Where did you learn all of this?”
He knows that the Blacks were not fond of anything non magical. Though, the ancient Greeks were definitely not quite muggle. At least from the little James knows, he knows this to be true. Every tale he has heard of them seems magical in nature, though different than the magic they know. So perhaps learning about the sky was something that was encouraged in that house.
Regulus smiles softly with a childlike innocence. “I read a lot when I was younger.”
He expects him to say more, but he doesn’t. So he lets his own mind fill in the gaps as best he can. When they were kids, they were taught astronomy, James knows this. Regulus likely spent more time researching the origins rather than just studying the sky itself. Of course he would do that, he always was an overachiever. Always wanting to know more. Then again, maybe his parents didn’t mind him learning about the stars more since he is named for one. That must not have been something that crossed the line for them. Or it did, though James is not going to let himself think about that possibility. Of what Regulus endured to quench his thirst for knowledge.
“Tell me more, love.”
He finally gives in to what’s happening. No matter how disoriented he is, he is not going to waste this time with Regulus. Not when he knows moments like these are few and far between.
James doesn’t know the next time they will get to be like this.
“If you look there at the Leo constellation. My star. This is another one that came to be because of Heracles. Just like Draco was a result of one of his twelve labors, so was Leo. The constellation is said to be of the Nemean Lion, which Heracles defeated in his first labor. The lion itself was incredibly hard to kill. An arrow didn’t work because its fur couldn’t be harmed by anything. Eventually he managed to strangle him and then in order to get his pelt, Heracles had to use one of the lion’s own claws. In the end the lion caused its own demise in a way.” He tells the story like it is his own, or perhaps he’s just told it so many times.
“What happened next?” James is fully invested now.
“Heracles used its pelt over his armour. No one could harm him through it. In the end he still died though.”
A lion who couldn’t be killed, but then was. A lion that protected its wearer, but the wearer still died.
Regulus was supposed to be protected, then he got the mark. James should have been okay, but he still got the mark too.
One day they will both die just like the Nemean Lion and Heracles, that’s just the way it will go. A destiny predetermined. A fate sealed. Nothing can protect them or stop it from playing out.
For a while after that, there’s a comfortable silence. They lean on each other and it feels more like home than anything has in a year. Or maybe more. James can feel himself breathe easier than he even remembered was possible. Was there a time when it didn't hurt to breathe? Was there a time that he could let his mind wander freely? Was there a time that he felt this at peace? He doesn’t know. There must have been. But that would have all been before. Before Regulus. Except that doesn’t make sense either, he was so happy with him in the beginning. He was at his happiest when their relationship started.
“Over there is Canis Major.”
Oh. Right. That’s when things changed.
Canis Major is one that he knows. It is home to the brightest star in the sky and also the tipping point for every question James is asking himself.
There used to be a very distinct before and after in his life. The first time James had that feeling, like things would never be the same again, was when he got on the train for Hogwarts and met one Sirius Black. From that day forward there was Before Sirius and then With Sirius. He never imagined there would be an After Sirius. But there is. Oh there very much is. Those, before and after, are still the most prominent turning points in his life. More so than before he got the mark and after, or before getting together with Regulus and after.
It’s always boiled down to Sirius.
“I know that one.” He manages to say.
They haven’t talked about him. At all. Not since Hogwarts. Not even when there were times that they could tell the other wanted to say something, or on his birthday, or when it was clear he was who they needed at various times. It was simply a topic that couldn’t be discussed. Talking about Sirius was going to always be painful and remain that way until the end of time, they both knew this.
So why is Regulus bringing him up now?
“And that star there. The brightest one.” He extends his arm toward the sky, pointing off into the distance, but James doesn’t need help for this one. “There’s Sirius.” Regulus surprisingly has a gentle smile spread across his lips as he mentions his brother.
His name hangs heavy in the air. After months and months of not speaking it or hearing it, well it catches James off guard. Except, that isn’t the most shocking thing to him right now. When Regulus points, his sleeve drops down because his jumper is far too big on him. James is almost positive it originally belonged to him.
It shocks him, but everything finally starts to make sense. Why they are here. Why Regulus is telling him things he has heard before. Why everything feels too good to be true.
The mark on Regulus’ outstretched arm begins to fade away in front of his eyes. James has had his for long enough to know that this doesn’t just happen. It doesn’t happen at all. This isn’t real. This is a dream. He should have realized it sooner, but he didn’t. He was clinging to the hope that they could have moments like this again. That after all that they’ve been through, they still deserve happy moments.
“Just making sure. I want to know that you know how to find our stars if you ever want to talk.” Regulus leans his back against James’ chest again.
They stay like that for a moment. More than a moment. “Why talk to the stars in the sky when I have my star here with me?”
Regulus doesn’t acknowledge that. “You can talk to Sirius too. He’d like that.” His voice is soft and light and barely there.
This is when he starts to worry. Later than he should have, but he comes to his senses.
“Reg, where are you? Shouldn’t you be back with the Horcrux by now?”
“See, he’s that star there.”
He doesn’t want to talk about him. He can’t. It’s just not something James has in him right now. Maybe he won’t ever, but he came to terms with that a long time ago. The thing he can’t seem to understand is why Regulus is insisting on it now.
“I- I don’t want to talk about him. Can’t we talk about something else? Like when you’re going to get home. Or do you not know that because you’re only in my head?” James looks at him, sort of pleading.
Regulus softens, his lips settling into a smile that is rare. “I’m not just in your head and we should talk about him. You should talk to him, go to him. I miss him…”
The words don’t match the look on his face. Missing Sirius is something that has only ever brought them pain. He has seen how Sirius hurt Regulus, and he has felt his own pain a million times over.
And yet…
Regulus looks at peace with this statement. He misses him, but that’s okay. As if he is going to see him soon. As if there is an end to the pain of missing him. James wishes there were, he knows there isn’t. Not after everything, there just can’t be.
It’s like… it’s like when someone is sick and so close to dying that they know what comes next and they’re okay with it, they’re ready.
That’s exactly what this is like.
Oh. No, that can’t be it. This has to be something else. When James opens his eyes, when he wakes up and opens them, Regulus will be there waiting for him. He’s the reason he opens his eyes, the reason he gets out of bed, the reason he keeps breathing and keeps moving and keeps living. At this point he is the only reason. So no. This isn’t like when someone is dying and they’re ready and they have accepted their fate.
It’s nothing like that because James refuses.
The similarities are too much though. What else could it be like? There has to be something else, another reason for how dream Regulus is acting. When you’re walking a far distance and the destination is finally in sight.
Yeah, that’s what it is.
Regulus is getting the horcrux and then they’ll destroy it. They’re in the home stretch. That’s why he isn’t upset anymore. Perhaps he thinks that once it is destroyed he can go to his brother. James doesn’t know if he would go too, if he would be welcome. But it’s Regulus’ brother, they are always going to be brothers. Friends can come and go, there’s no tether keeping them together if they drift apart like there is for brothers.
So this is just Regulus getting excited for the future. Because they have a future. Together. They finally have something to live for and a path forward in life that doesn’t revolve around the ink on their skin.
James smiles back at him. “Yeah, I know, love. It’s okay. Everything is okay.”
Regulus turns and presses their lips together. It’s a dream, but it feels so real. This has to be a magical dream. Those types are rare, but they are powerful. He’s never quite known how they work, but he knows that people use them to send messages or to visit people they miss. Of course Regulus knows how to get into his dreams. He loves him for it. Honestly James needed the reassurance of him here while he’s off doing something potentially dangerous.
As he stands, Regulus’ hand lingers in his. He doesn’t want to go. “I have to go. I have to see Si-”
“It’s okay. You can go. I’ll see you soon, alright? I love you.”
“Not too soon. Jamie, promise me. I’m sorry. I love y-”
His eyes bolt open. It’s sudden. There was more that Regulus had to say. More that James wanted to hear. Maybe he can just ask him, though he isn’t sure how the dreams work and if Regulus would know what he was in the middle of saying.
He never wakes up this suddenly. No one is in the room with him, it’s still mostly dark out. The morning light is just beginning to breach the horizon. With a clear sky, it’s easy for James to spot the sun. This means that he actually got a decent amount of sleep, he slept through the night. That’s new.
Well not entirely new. He sometimes can sleep through the night, but most of the time he doesn’t. James usually sleeps in short increments to avoid dreaming. Tonight though, he’s glad he dreamt. It was the best one he has had in a while. Normally the dreams are more like nightmares. Pieces of his past haunting him.
The most common are visions of him on assignments. Typically ones that have happened, just replaying in his mind on a loop. Those aren’t too bad all things considered. He doesn’t know all of the details to those because he usually loses himself before doing anything bad. Though he knows he does. Once he made the mistake of casting the spell to see the other recent spells he cast. James regretted it instantly. There were too many spells that a year ago he had never done, and two years ago never would have thought he would cast in his life. Even in his wildest imagination, James Potter was not capable of those things.
It’s not really him. That’s what he tells himself. Each time he slips away, that’s not James. It’s a shell of a person that looks like James and talks like James (if he talks at all). But it’s not James. He doesn’t think like James, he doesn’t act like James. All of the things that make James, James, slip away with his mind. That’s how he justifies it. Well, no. He doesn’t justify it, he knows it’s awful. That’s just how he copes with it.
The worst of the dreams - nightmares actually - are the ones his mind concocts on its own. Not things that have happened, well not exactly. He’s only had a few, but they left him in a dissociative state for quite a while afterward. Once it was him torturing Sirius. He barely recovered from that dream, and he couldn’t even tell anyone about it. Hah- anyone . As if he has more than one person left in his life that cares and will listen to him. He couldn’t tell Regulus about it. That was not something he would allow himself to do, even for the off chance that Regulus had the same dream. That next morning, James needed comfort more than he ever had before. Well except for after the night he got the mark. But both of those times, he didn’t deserve any comfort. Not at all.
This morning though, he decides to watch the sun rise. It’s been a while since he has. But since Regulus isn’t home yet, he might as well. There is no point in going back to sleep now, especially if he isn’t jumping right back into where he left off in his dream. He would much rather be awake when Regulus returns anyway. Shouldn’t be long now. And then they can celebrate being in the final leg.
The sun is just at the horizon, not yet crossing it; they’re almost at the finish line, just not yet.
✦✦✦
He’s zoned out when there is a crack in the next room over. It’s what brings him back to himself. James wasn’t slipping away, just putting his mind on pause. Quieting the thoughts and the little voice at the back of his head that always has too much to say. Is that how people used to feel about him? That he had too much to say? If they knew him now, no one would believe how quiet he has grown. James exits the bedroom and before fully processing what’s happened, his knees have already hit the ground.
No. He refuses. No, this isn’t what’s happening. James simply will not allow it because it can’t be true.
It’s not possible.
No. No. Absolutely not. No. no no no. nononononono- It can’t- He can’t- No this isn’t possible, it can’t be true. No. No no no.
He feels as if his soul detaches itself from him. Finally catching up to what must have happened an hour ago when he woke up. What must have happened while he was dreaming.
The dream that he now realizes was a last goodbye.
James already doesn’t know how to keep living. In his last moments, Regulus wanted James to promise something. Not too soon, he said. Regulus wants him to keep living, he doesn’t want James’ time to end. But in a way it already has. What’s left for him?
Right. Nothing. Regulus was it for him.
“Master James… Kreacher brought you a note.” The house elf speaks even quieter than usual.
Kreacher has been with them for a while now, after Regulus took him from the Black Manor. Well, not so much took, as he offered a new place for Kreacher where they would actually treat him with dignity and appreciate his help. He came willingly and has been a huge help around the house for them. It took some time for him to warm to James, but he was never going to like James as much as he liked Regulus.
Past tense. Because Regulus isn’t here anymore.
It’s clear that this is affecting the elf. Except James doesn’t know what to do with this. He needs to know what happened, but there’s no way he can bring himself to ask. In a way he already knows. Maybe he shouldn’t know what exactly happened, it would only hurt him more. If Regulus suffered, he doesn’t need to know that. It will only hurt him more. So it’s better this way, to left it unspoken.
James doesn’t speak. In all honesty, he doesn’t think that he can. There’s no words that even come to his mind to say. Too much that was never said, too much that there is to say. So he says nothing. Not in response to Kreacher. Not as a piece of parchment is placed in his hands. Not as he unfolds it and sees Regulus’ cursive dance across the page.
He doesn’t say anything because he can’t. Because the only person he wants to say anything to, is gone.
In this moment, he decides that he isn’t going to cry. Regulus wouldn’t want him to and if he starts, he will never stop.
That vow lasts through the first two words of the letter. My James. He will always be his. Alive or dead or something in between, James will always belong to Regulus. One tear hits the page with enough force to cause his hands to shake. By some miracle his tear doesn’t make the ink of the writing run on the page.
Somehow he forces himself to continue reading. He doesn’t want to, he doesn’t want to because that means he has to accept these are his last words, spoken or written. The last thing left by Regulus Black. This letter is his legacy. At least to James it is. No one else will ever know these words that he wrote moments before …
If you’re reading this, well you know what’s happened. Unfortunately that is true. He knew it before he woke, he knew it the moment it happened, he thinks. That moment in the dream when he realized. James thinks that his heart stopped at the same time, though only briefly. I’m sorry. For everything. Oh. He doesn’t have anything to be sorry for. Regulus never did anything that warranted an apology. To James that is. Other people may disagree.
The following words are salt in a wound that has already begun to heal. Like scratching at a scar. Things that James had come to terms with long ago. They sealed their fate together and James doesn’t regret that. Well maybe he does. A part of him might regret it all. A part of him might regret Regulus, but that isn’t the part of his mind that he listens to. Regretting Regulus is not something James wants, but maybe he doesn’t have control over that.
Look at him now. Maybe he would be better off if he did regret him.
There’s no use dwelling on what could have been. All of the things that Regulus wishes he could change, the things he regrets not doing, or doing, the things he is sorry for. It doesn’t do any good now. It doesn’t mean anything and it can’t change the past.
Each time that Regulus mentions his brother, James watches as tear after tear hits the page. He can’t help it. He wants it to stop. There shouldn’t be any tears left to cry over Sirius. After all he was the one who sealed all of their fates. That’s what James has rationalized over the years. If Sirius hadn’t left home, hadn’t left Regulus, maybe the younger brother wouldn’t have had to get the mark. If Sirius hadn’t picked fights with James, hadn’t decided to stop trusting him, well then James wouldn’t be here right now. So when Regulus says, ‘ Instead you were stuck with me and had to deal with so much. For that I am sorry’, James wants to hit him over the head for saying such utter nonsense and at the same time pull him into his chest and reassure him. James was never stuck. Not even close.
Now, I’m sorry that I couldn’t get back to you. Well that … that he can accept an apology for. Regulus was supposed to make it back. He promised that he would, and yet James is here on his own. James has never quite been good about being alone, even growing up without siblings. He always had people around him, people that loved him and that he loved in return. He’s never wanted to be alone. This isn’t what I wanted, just know that, okay? He knows that Regulus didn’t want this, logically he does know this.
But what if Regulus gave up and stopped fighting. What if there was a possibility he could have made it out and he took the easy way out? He could have regretted all that has happened and decided to leave. James quickly pushes that thought from his mind because it’s not a real possibility. Regulus would never do that. Not when it meant leaving James behind.
Before continuing reading, James sinks to the floor once more. He pulls at the sleeve of his - no Regulus’ - jumper to wipe at his eyes. It’s futile because he is sure to start crying again any second now, but he does it anyway. An attempt to see the words better. Though he knows he will soon have this letter memorized, already planning to read it over and over again until the end of time. Until he withers away into nothingness.
It’s all things he already knew. James knows how much Regulus loves him. He knows about how they fell in love, he knows about the first time they saw each other with no facade to hide behind. Up in the astronomy tower, where he was behind his eyelids not too long ago this morning. Ironic really, that his last moments with Regulus were in the same place as the first meaningful moment they shared. James is sure Regulus did that on purpose.
James has been told that he loves big. That his love is all encompassing, all consuming, that it’s powerful and strong and intense, but he never really believed it when anyone else told him. Now though, he does believe the words on the page. Regulus wouldn’t lie to him about that. Love was never something he toyed with. The only thing he gets wrong is in saying he never deserved James’ love.
If one thing is true in this and every lifetime that they share, is that Regulus more than deserves to be loved by James.
Kreacher will explain what you need to do now to complete this mission, and I’m not going to waste any time writing that here. Just destroy it, however you can. He knew this would be part of this letter when he started reading. James knew this was always part of the plan, even if Regulus was the mastermind behind it all. He has no fucking idea what he is doing or how to destroy the damn thing, but he has to try. Right?
Or maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he just gives up. They were doing this to find a way out, a way to a better life. Except now James has no reason for a better life. Or a life at all. Not without Regulus.
His eyes scan down the page more and he pauses when he sees his name. James almost rips it up right then and there. He stops himself because he can’t destory this letter, but just the mention of him is enough to make him think about it.
What I need you to do now, is go to him. Go find Sirius as soon as you can. It’s not that easy. He can’t just go to him. You need him, No, James thinks. and I’m sure that he needs you. No, he thinks again. He definitely doesn’t need him. Please just go to him and ask for him to help you. I know it’s been so long, and we never even talk about him anymore, but go. Please. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for me, okay?
Well fuck. They’re just words on the page. He could ignore it. James could ignore the last request Regulus ever makes of him, but his heart won’t let him. Maybe a year ago he missed Sirius, but he doesn’t anymore. That was a feeling he locked up long ago and he doesn’t intend on letting it out again now.
That’s the thing. James isn’t too proud for a lot of things. But this? Running to Sirius because he’s out of options? That would hurt. Maybe he needs someone, just as a reason to keep going, but is Sirius really his best option? Regulus seems to think so.
They’re brothers. Sirius and Regulus. A bond that never really broke. One that could be rebuilt as easily as crossing a bridge. It didn’t break, they just separated. They were once on the same side of the bridge and then one day were on opposite sides. All one of them would need to do is walk right to the other.
The same can’t be said for James and Sirius. There was a point in time that they considered each other a brother. But they weren’t really brothers, not in the same way Regulus and Sirius are. Not in an impenetrable way. Not in a way that could withstand even the worst betrayal. Which it didn’t. They didn’t make it past that.
It’s a bit foolish for Regulus to think that James could just show up on Sirius’ doorstep and be welcomed in and offered help. That is not what would happen. If he’s so sure that it would, why didn’t he do it himself before he was gone? Why didn’t Regulus try to get his brother back? Or did he and James just didn’t know?
It’s been a while since James has been fully aware of what’s going on around him, so maybe he missed it. Maybe Regulus reached out to Sirius and tried to get help and failed. He’ll never really know.
The end of the letter hurts more than anything. It reminds James that they are still just kids. Eighteen and nineteen. The naivety of thinking he could have been writing the letter for no reason other than dramatics. To think that he would make it out the other side.
So this is why the dream was them looking at the stars together. Regulus wanted to be sure he could still find him. To have a way to talk to him if he didn’t make it back. Which he didn’t. So in a way, Regulus did make those last moments count. The end of his dream, the end of the letter. It all counts more than he would ever know.
James is left wondering what his last moments were like. This leaves him crying harder and more than before. He hopes that he wasn’t in any pain. Were his last thoughts happy? Were his last thoughts of James?
Forever yours… At least that is true. Forever. Forever. Forever.
The tears don’t slow. In his entire life, James has never known pain like this. He has never experienced such overwhelming sadness. In everything that happened, this wasn’t ever a possibility he let himself consider. Which is honestly just plain silly. They are in the middle of fighting a war. Of course they were always at risk of dying.
James just thought it would be him first.
✦✦✦
A few hours pass, at least he thinks they do. Time stopped moving to him a while ago. Well, specifically when he heard the crack of Kreacher apparating into the house alone. But probably even before that. James just doesn’t know what to do anymore. What’s left for him?
There are probably meetings and assignments he is supposed to be at. Regulus kept track of all of that. He doesn’t want to go. He never really did, but James did what he had to. Maybe he should go this time and let them kill him. That way he could be with Regulus again.
That’s the thing. He doesn’t have anywhere else to go. The only place he belongs now is technically with them. He still has the stupid fucking mark on his arm. It’s not that he belongs with them, that was never true. More so he belongs to them.
When you have nowhere that you belong, where do you go?
James doesn’t know the answer to that.
Go to him, Regulus had said. Him. Oh fuck off. No. James can’t do that. He knows that him is Sirius and he also knows that Sirius wants nothing to do with him. It’s a lost cause. If it wasn’t then they would have already mended things. Sirius would have already reached out to help them or even just see if help was something they wanted. though perhaps he’s too stubborn to do that.
Where do you go when you have nowhere to go? Why try when you know it’s a lost cause?
Well, when it’s the last possible option, you should at least try.
So James decides that he will go. He stops fighting with himself on it. He has nothing else to lose. He already lost Regulus, he already lost himself. Right now he is nothing more than a soldier to the Dark Lord because of the mark on his arm. There is no way Sirius is going to help him, that isn’t even an option. But at the same time, it’s his last and only option. He has to try. Otherwise what would he do?
Without letting himself hesitate any longer, he goes. James swaps his now tear stained jumper for another that used to be Regulus’ on over his head, glasses getting tilted out of place in the process. Grabs his wand and keeps the letter clutched in his hand. There isn’t a use for it, but he can’t bear to be away from it, from the last traces he has of Regulus that linger on the page.
The tricky part is getting to Sirius. Usually to apparate, you have to know exactly where you’re trying to go. Sometimes it works without knowing, but not usually. This fact is harder on James mentally than it is in practicality. He doesn’t know where Sirius lives. Two years ago he would have laughed at that, because in what world does James Potter not know where Sirius Black lives? Apparently the answer is this world.
Magic is weird. It’s also intuitive and fascinating and has a great memory and is just all around brilliant. This is what James relies on. He closes his eyes and everything spins out of focus around him. A second later he is standing in front of a small cottage. It’s not somewhere he’s been before, but the air around him feels familiar. It isn’t welcoming him with a hug, it isn’t inviting him in, and yet it still feels like home.
Just like Sirius always did.
He stands a bit away from the door. Even before going up to it and knocking he knows this is the right place. Out front there is a motorbike just like the one Sirius always talked about wanting. There are flowers in the garden, dahlias and cosmos. Remus and Sirius’ favourites. This is most definitely their home and he can’t help but feel his heart ache over the fact that they don’t just live somewhere. The two of them built a home together.
A home that James was never welcome in.
Speaking of, when he tries to take a step forward, he’s stopped. There are wards placed. Of course there are, they are in the middle of a war. The fact that there are wards is not surprising. Though James not being someone that is keyed into them stings more than it should. After all that has happened, he would be stupid to think that he could just walk right up to their door, but he’s always been full of hope. He has always seen the best in everyone. Even if they don’t deserve it. Even if they don’t think the same of him. That might have been his downfall.
Yet here he is. Not because he still thinks the best of Sirius (at least not consciously) or because he has hope, because he doesn’t. Regulus does… or did. Regulus did still think the best and think there was hope for James, hope that Sirius would help him.
To his knowledge, the brothers haven’t been in contact at all. If they had he would know. He’s sure of that. If they had, then there would be hope for James to see his friends again. And not like this. He isn’t happy to be seeing Sirius again like this. Not when he’s begging for help. Not when he has to say that his brother is dead. Not any of it. This is absolutely not how he would want to see Sirius again. Especially not knowing if Sirius will be happy to see him in return.
That question doesn’t have a chance to sit in his brain for too long because by the time he’s asked himself it, the door swings open. Nothing could have prepared him for this. It’s not even just the fact that his once best friend is actually standing in front of him. It’s so many things, too many things in fact. He can barely process them all at once. He doesn’t really have a choice though, because this is happening now or never. And since he’s here, it might as well be now.
He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes, counting to three, letting the air out of his lungs. He can do this. It can’t be that hard to talk to Sirius.
What really gets him is how Sirius hasn’t changed at all. He still looks the same. Exactly like the boy who was once James’ best friend. On top of that, he forgot that he has Regulus’ eyes. More like Regulus had his, if you think about who came first, but that is beside the point. James forgot their eyes mirrored the other’s and now he can’t breathe.
Last night before Regulus left, he looked into his eyes, right? He didn’t let him leave without a proper goodbye. He has to believe that’s true. He has to believe that he was strong enough to say goodbye even if he can’t remember it now. Neither of them knew that it would be a final goodbye, but when in the middle of a war, any moment could be their last. It’s always better to be safe than to miss out.
It’s not very long that he stands there unmoving. This time it isn’t because he can’t get through the ward, those were dropped allowing him access. It’s simply because his feet are frozen in their place by his mind. James knows that he should just walk up and explain what’s happened to Sirius. Even if he doesn’t understand, it’s his last resort. When he does, will it feel like he’s just screaming into a void or will his voice be heard?
“James?” Surprisingly Sirius is the first to talk.
It’s a start. He’s inviting him in the door, he’s giving him a chance. Walking up to him is nearly impossible. It takes more strength than anything he has done in the last year. This is something he has wanted for so long even if he never admitted it. This is what James’ soul has needed. Even assignments for the Dark Lord now feel like they were easier than this. Than these ten steps standing between him and the front door.
This is Sirius. He can’t fuck this up. From the moment they met on the train when they were eleven years old, their souls attached to each other. Some piece of the universe finally made sense. Them being friends was written in the stars. It was always meant to be.
Now they haunt each other’s pasts. Their memories were left no choice when they split two years ago. It could have been clean, he thinks. Though the anger James felt from the broken trust was burning him, so he went for blood. It killed him and Sirius and everything between them, at least he thought. But there is still something that exists in the universe tying them together. It’s why the door is still open and James is being invited in.
This is all he’s wanted for so long, right? He wanted to make things right with Sirius. Was that recently or is he still thinking of while they were at school? Did he want to make things right for being with Regulus or for getting the mark? All of it melds in his mind and he can’t be sure. He’s wanted Sirius back in his life at some point. Some part of him must still want it because he wouldn’t be here in the doorway if he didn’t.
“Hi Sirius…” His voice comes out weak, but at least he managed to speak at all.
This feels weird, it feels wrong. Shouldn’t something be clicking right now? A reunion should make his heart soar, it should feel like sparks flying in the air. It should be happy. Not whatever this is. The man in front of him with the shape of his once best friend is stiff. He’s not even close to being relaxed despite being in his own home.
James wishes he could go home. Gods he wishes he could feel at home again, but Regulus is gone. The only home James has known in the last two years is gone.
Maybe it’s a life they can’t get back that James is remembering. It would be nice if they could, but the story of James and Sirius seems to have ended in tragedy and the sequel is not off to a good start. That's what this is. Back in Hogwarts they went through the chapters of their friendship and there was an end. Though there wasn’t closure so maybe this is the epilogue to the same story. James can feel it already, there isn’t going to be enough time for a sequel for them, this is it.
Unless something changes drastically, this will be the end.
Part of him is okay with that. At least he’s giving it a shot. Regulus wanted him to try, so he’s trying. If it doesn’t work then James can say he tried and carry on. That way he won’t be left wondering what could have been. He may need to deal with the consequences of trying, he may need to grieve a friendship he already grieved, but that’s okay. He can manage that.
“What are you doing here?”
The words are caught in his throat. There’s a few reasons he’s here. Which should he start with? That impacts how the rest of this goes, so he has to be sure. “I need your help.”
Four simple words. Ones that have almost never come out of his mouth. James was a very proud child. He was also very independent. Despite being an only child, his parents let him do his own thing and taught him that he could ask for help if he needed it. He never did. Not only was he independent, but he liked to challenge himself and do things on his own. As he grew this only became more and more true. The difference was, once he had his group of friends and people he cared about, he would focus on helping them.
There was no time for him to need help if he was always helping everyone else. He was one of the brightest in their year so he rarely struggled with coursework. Never needing to ask for help. One of the only times he asked for help, was technically not even for himself. James went to his parents to ask them to help take in Sirius when he ran away from home. So that doesn’t really count. So really, Sirius should take this statement with its true weight. Asking for help means a lot when it comes from James Potter.
He watches as Sirius swirls his words around, trying to figure out how to respond. His tongue sticks out the tiniest bit from his mouth, a classic sign that James still recognizes as Sirius thinking hard.
“You… need help?” Sirius asks.
James has never felt more like a stranger. This used to be his best friend, and technically still is because he never made a new one. He wants nothing more in this moment than to collapse into his arms and feel the comfort he used to love. It’s hard enough standing on his own and asking for help, he can’t handle the harsh words that he can already feel coming.
“Yes. Please. I- I know you’re ashamed of me, you probably hate hearing my name or seeing my face in pictures and I don’t blame you! Sirius, I really don’t. I just- I need your help. I’m-” all alone , he almost says, but this isn’t how he should tell him about Regulus.
“What about-”
“Just, please. Let’s talk, okay?” He practically begs.
To his surprise, Sirius nods and walks further into the house and sits down. He motions for James to sit across from him. In this enitre time, since he first opened the door, their eyes haven’t met again. Seemingly neither of them wanting to. Instead, he allows his eyes to gaze over the house. It’s properly lived in. It’s a home. They must have moved in about a year ago when school finished.
There are stacks upon stacks of books scattered around every possible surface. A mixture of muggle books and wizard books and everything in between. There are more plants around making everything look brighter and more alive. James spots a few spare jumpers lying around and Remus’ cane leaning against the couch. He isn’t there, but he must be home. As much as he wants to see Remus too, this conversation needs to be between him and Sirius. Everything that has happened, has been between them more so than anyone else.
“You want to talk? Alright, talk then.”
James composes himself as best he can. “I need your help. I need somewhere to go. There’s a way to destroy the Da- him. We found it and I need your help. I know you don’t want anything to do with me, but please.”
“Why me? Go to literally anyone else. I can’t… Ja- you can’t just come to me like this after everything and expect me to help you. This was what you decided to do. You did this to yourself, you got yourself into it. I told you my thoughts on this before.” Sirius says slightly strained.
The ever shrinking optimistic part of James’ brain tells him that he wants to help. That he isn’t saying what he really means. That maybe it’s just hard for him, but with time he’ll break down and help him. That would be good, wouldn’t it? If time is what he needs, James will give him as much as he can. If he needs more convincing, he can do that too.
“I have to tell you something and I don’t know how you’re going to react.” He pauses, but Sirius says nothing. This is what he has been dreading saying out loud. That makes it more real and James can barely handle it as is. “Regulus is dead.”
Emotion crosses his face for the first time since he arrived. Jams can’t tell exactly what Sirius is feeling, and to be fair Sirius probably doesn’t know either. Based on all that he knows, it’s a mixture of pain, confusion, sadness, but most of all regret. For what, he isn’t sure.
Even if Sirius truly meant what he said all that time ago, that they weren’t brothers anymore, that never meant he wanted him dead. He’s always loved his little brother, even at their worst. He could never erase the bond they shared. Still, there may be a part of Sirius that regrets how the brothers ended, that he never gets a do over on their last moments together.
He glances to the door, then to a letter sitting on the table across the room, but he doesn’t move. He remains sitting, mouth hanging open ever so slightly. It’s a look of pain. James didn’t tell him as a way to convince him to help or even to make him feel the same hurt. He didn’t even want to actually say it out loud. But he knows that both brothers loved each other through it all.
Though now, he doesn’t know what to do or say. How does he convince Sirius to help him? Is that even a possibility, or is all of this useless?
“When?” Sirius swallows and forces the question out.
“Last night.” A tear rolls down James’ cheek.
This sits between them for a while. What more is there to say? Sirius is thinking something, contemplating or remembering, or something. James can’t quite place it, but he knows the look on his face. It reminds him of when he woke up this morning after the dream, when he was trying to figure out what had happened behind his eyelids.
It’s up to Sirius now to offer his help, or more so accept the request for help. James has nothing to offer in return. Just the news that Regulus is gone. What is there to do with that? Nothing, that’s what.
“I know that’s not something you want to hear and I know that you might not even care. But I love - loved him and I know somewhere deep down you have always cared for him. And now he’s gone. So I’m here asking you for help. I don’t know what to do now and I have a lot of regrets about everything but I have never regretted him for a second. I’m trying my best here and he told me to come talk to you, so I’m here. Okay? This is me just fucking trying to keep going without him.” James pours out.
His hand comes up to cover his mouth with his palm, breathing unsteady. He doesn’t cry, but he takes a moment before he can talk. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to help you. I hate you for what you did, you know. You’re a -”
“Don’t- Sirius please don’t. That doesn’t matter. I miss you and I need you. So please…”
He’s known. It’s not a surprise to James at all that Sirius knows he’s a death eater. It’s not something he expected to still be unknown by now. But that’s the thing. It was never unknown to Sirius. He knew from the morning James came home with the mark. If he closes his eyes, he can still see the way he looked at him that day. The truth reflected in his eyes, the pain across his face. That look lives cemented in his mind like stained glass.
Surely everyone else knows too. He can’t even be upset by it, even if he would have been a while ago. It’s been almost two years since the mark was burned into his skin and he hasn’t gotten any more used to it. Some days it itches, some days it feels like it’s on fire, some days he doesn’t notice it at all. None of that matters because he doesn’t believe in what it stands for. It’s just a mark, that’s all. No one else sees it that way, but that’s all it is to James.
“Show me it.” Sirius’ words take him by surprise. “If you want to keep having this conversation, show me the mark James.”
He winces at the harshness of the words. With his eyes squeezed shut, he pulls at the sleeve covering his arm. It rolls up with ease revealing the black across his skin. James doesn’t look at it. He knows what it looks like and he hates the sight of it. It took him so long to be able to see Regulus’, but he never got used to his own.
Sirius stares at it. He doesn’t blink, he just keeps staring. Engraving it into his mind, solidifying what he’s known for so long. There’s no point to this, but James doesn’t have another choice. He came to get help, so he’ll do what he can to make that happen. No one else is waiting on him, there isn’t anything left for him.
After a minute or so, perhaps longer, Sirius finally looks up at him. The pain in his eyes fading and twisting into hurt and anger. This wasn’t a good idea. James knows this now more than ever. He was right to not want to come, it’s not going to do anything. Sirius made it clear that this was something that he couldn’t get over, that he would never look past. Maybe not with James specifically, but with Regulus. In a way that’s worse, more concrete. If he can’t accept his little brother, there’s no way he could accept this from James.
“Will you help me?”
“No. I can’t- I… I don’t trust you! James you- you’re one of them and I just can’t.” Sirius yells.
Anger begins to boil up in James. They were once best friends and trust was something they never should have questioned, but Sirius did. He struck first. It’s only fair for James to strike back. He can’t help it, he’s hurt and he’s grieving and all he needs is his best friend back. But that is seemingly not an option now or ever again.
“What if it were Regulus that came to you for help?” He tries.
At this, Sirius opens his mouth to say something, then abruptly stops to think. “No, don’t you dare bring him into this right now.”
“Didn’t this all start because of him? Fuck you Sirius, really. I just lost him and you’re just kicking me while I’m down.” He lets the rage spill over.
“I can’t just pretend it’s not there!”
This is it. He knows that this is the end. After tonight, he won’t see Sirius again, he can’t. His feelings on this aren’t going to change. If they were, wouldn’t they already have? Wouldn’t James showing up in his doorway asking for help, just trying to make things right, be when Sirius gives him a chance? But maybe this isn’t enough, or maybe nothing would be enough to make anything better.
At least he can accept it now that this is their last conversation. James won’t have to live with an open wound any longer after this. He can say everything he needs to, giving this all he has and not regret leaving anything unsaid. The thing is, he has a lot to say to Sirius. He is so fucking hurt by all that has happened and he hasn’t let any of that out. Not venting to Regulus or even just screaming at the sky. It all remained bottled up inside of him because it was just easier that way.
“I love you, you know. I don’t know why I still do, but I’ve never stopped loving you. I just stopped letting myself feel that love. Sirius, you were my best friend, you were so special. No one could replace you, no one ever did. But do you know what you said I was?” James takes a breath. “I wasn’t special to you, but you did say I was selfish.”
He isn’t finished, but Sirius interrupts. “What you did was selfish James. You abandoned us for - for him and them .”
“Just punch me, that would be better than this.” The thought spills from his mouth.
He realizes as he says it, that he means it. The bite from Sirius’ tongue is worse than any physical pain. James doesn’t want to hear all of the reasons his once best friend doesn’t trust him or doesn’t want to help him. If he would just hit him, they could move on. Maybe. Sirius could get his anger out on him and James could just be in physical pain rather than mental. That would be easier, he thinks.
“I’m not going to hit you.” Sirius scoffs.
“You might as well. Just because you won’t, doesn’t mean you’re better than me. I don’t even know if you’re a good person anymore. Fuck you, yeah? This, all of this, is on you. Remember that.”
Ironically, Sirius starts to yell back. “Calm down James. What the fuck is wrong with you? I can’t help you so just stop. Please just stop.”
In the past two years, James’ memory has been hazy for the most part. He wasn’t always present. There’s gaps of time, some things morph together even if they don’t make sense. The timeline of everything isn’t clear in his mind most of the time. James has lost a lot of memories too, though some of the things he would rather forget stick out and replay often.
Right now though, his memory is clearer than ever. He can play back every moment he and Sirius shared throughout the years. The good and the bad and everything in between. The best memories sting and James wishes he could go back to them and stop things from turning sour. He can’t though. All he can do is remember them with the new lens of how everything turned out.
It’s really quite funny if he thinks about it. Sirius asking him to stop. Didn’t James ask the same thing so long ago? Stop accusing him, stop getting mad at him for being in love, stop questioning. All he ever did was stop trusting James.
“I was wrong. You aren’t special.” He starts. Whether it’s the truth or just words he knows will cut deep doesn’t quite matter. “You don’t know me anymore, if you ever even did. I’ve always just wanted the best for everyone and I- I was trying to protect him. Everything I did was to keep your little brother safe.”
“Look what happened to him now. You didn’t even manage to protect him after all that.” He wants to say that Sirius looks upset, but he’s damn good at hiding it if he is.
It’s the truth. He tried to protect Regulus as best he could. Doing so just becomes that much harder when no one, other than him, was supporting him in return. James wasn’t strong enough to do it all on his own. Ever since he was eleven, he didn’t do anything alone. It’s what made him strong and capable. Sirius that is. Together they could have done anything.
In the end more damage was done than protecting.
Everything could have gone so differently. Of course he knows the turning point. When Sirius ripped his sleeve up and saw nothing. But even once James isolated himself and just tried to survive in a world where he and Sirius weren’t joined at the hip, he couldn’t get away from it. Looking at Regulus reminded him of Sirius. Every memory in his mind was haunted by him. He was everywhere. In the stars in the night sky, in each dog he would pass on the street, in the full moon each month. Sirius is forever ingrained in his bones and his heart and his soul.
At this point, James doesn’t even bother holding back his tears. They are full of sadness, yes, but even more so of anger and hurt and longing. This isn’t how he pictured this going. Shouldn’t Sirius have been happy to see him and willing to help?
Or maybe he is just two years too late. Has one too many tattoos on his body. Has far too much blood on his hands. He’s beyond help, no longer worth the trouble.
None of that would matter to him if roles were reversed. He would be logical enough to recognize the hurt and the need to be saved. James would drop everything to help him. No matter what happened in the past, he would push it aside and deal with it later. He wouldn’t let the past few years blind him of the love they once shared.
Except Sirius is stubborn and erratic an impulsive. He doesn’t think before speaking, he doesn’t know how to. The thing is, James did blindside him by showing up unannounced. Should he have written to him first? Maybe taken the time to explain what happened and then showed up later. That would have given him time to settle down and think first. Or is he just hurting from the news that Regulus died? Even if he says that he’s been dead to him for years, which he did, or that he doesn’t consider him a brother and hasn’t for years. He would still be sad, he still needs to grieve and mourn and process that loss.
He won’t though. He’s not going to let himself, at least not in front of James.
In the end, James gives up on asking for help. He’s now just confessing. “I want to be happy…”
He remembers a time when he was happy. Not just one, but hundreds. When he first met Sirius. When he met Remus and Peter. When they perfected the animagus transformations. When he made the quidditch team. When he finally helped Sirius get out of that house. When his parents first called Sirius their son. (Now likely the only son they are proud to have). When he started talking to Regulus. When he first kissed Regulus. When Regulus became his boyfriend. When things seemed to get better between him and Sirius after he found out.
That last one is where he gets stuck. Now knowing that things were never better. They were just pretending. So maybe the last time that James was genuinely and truly happy with everything in his life was when he and Regulus started dating. Then, Sirius was still his best friend, he still had all of his other friends in his life, and he had a wonderful and loving relationship. Everything seemed to have gone downhill after that.
“I want to be happy again. I’m- Sirius, I’m ready to be happy. I want to be able to live my life without thinking about you around every turn. I want to be able to see a dog and not stop in my tracks and wonder if by some stroke of luck that it’s you. I want to be able to breathe again.” He admits.
Sirius stares back at him. In his mind he wonders if Sirius wants the same thing. Or if he has already pushed both James and Regulus so far out of his mind, or locked them up so tightly, that he doesn’t think of them at all. Does Sirius think of James whenever he sees a stag? Does Sirius think of Regulus when he looks in the mirror? Does Sirius see them in everything everywhere he goes?
When he doesn’t respond, James carries on. He may as well confess everything on his mind now, there won’t be another opportunity. “I want to be able to look at the night sky and see a full moon and not be in pain. I want to see the stars and not feel a pang in my chest wondering if you’re looking at the same ones. Sirius please. I want to be happy. I want to live my life. I don’t want to forget everything we had, but I need to be able to remember the good parts without the bad.”
“So do that. I can’t help you, you have to do that on your own Jamie.” His voice is softer, but still not sympathetic, though the nickname slips out unexpectedly.
“I can’t, I’ve tried. I’m just waiting for it to happen.”
He’s been waiting. For longer than he’s known. James is just waiting and waiting and waiting. Waiting for things to get better, waiting for there to be light at the other end of the tunnel, waiting for things to change. Waiting for the pain to end.
It’s evident that it’s not going to anymore. Sirius was his last chance, his last hope. But it’s too late. Or it was never possible. James doesn’t know which would be worse… If he had a chance and fucked it up, or if there was no chance to begin with and all of this was futile.
“So this is it?” James doesn’t ask for help again, but leaves it open for Sirius to show he cares even if only a little.
“This is it.” he nods.
It’s been so long since James was able to tell exactly what Sirius is thinking. But he tries now. He searches his eyes for a sign that he doesn’t mean the words he is saying. He can’t. Right? It’s them, they were never meant to end like this. There should be more. This is their epilogue, but what if there is a sequel? As tears slip down from his eyes, James tries to find a little glint, the slightest hint that Sirius wants him to keep trying. That he doesn’t want him to get up and walk away - for good this time.
Once he gets up, he won’t come back. James wouldn’t be able to handle coming back here for this to happen all over again. They were once James and Sirius, never fighting on opposite sides, never one without the other. He’s still waiting for there to be more. It’s why he feels glued to the chair. Some force stops him from getting up and leaving. The hopeful part of him, the part that hasn’t been seen in years, thinks that when he stands Sirius will change his mind.
He only needs more time to sit with this, and then he’ll help him.
Sirius doesn’t cry. James does. Neither of them move, they just remain there looking at each other for longer than expected. When James sees nothing, no sign of hope, he finally gets up. It’s time for him to go, he knows this.
Full of regret, he walks to the door. At least he doesn’t regret not trying. He did as Regulus asked, he went to Sirius. The younger brother just had a little too much faith in the elder. They are all children after all. Someone had to have that naive hope that things could get better. They were all too young for this to happen. Too dumb to know any better. Too helpless to hold each other up.
“Goodbye Padfoot.” It hurts to say, but he has to say it.
He doesn’t get a response. That’s the last thing said between them. James gets through the door without any more tears, but they spill on the other side of the threshold. The two of them will never be together again. It’s why James lets himself turn to get one last look. His best friend that used to feel like home is practically a stranger now. Their paths will never cross again, their life lines go in opposite directions for the rest of time.
The door shuts before he’s ready. He wants to run and bang on it again just to be able to see Sirius one more time. To see him clearly without tears in his eyes so that he can have a better picture in his mind. If he could just see him one more time, smiling and happy, then James thinks he would be okay. Maybe then he wouldn’t regret Sirius.
But the door remains shut and James needs to go.
Where? He truly doesn’t know.
All he wants now is to go home, but home stopped being a place so long ago.
He could go back to his childhood home where he could try to find comfort, but he won’t. He could go back to the house he shared with Regulus, but that won’t feel right after this morning. There just isn’t anywhere for him to go now. Sirius really was his last resort. His last chance at finding home again.
When he left to come here, he had no plan for after.
So he does the only thing he can think to do. He goes in search of home.