sirius
As James walks away, Sirius has to turn his head. He can’t look at him. The person who used to mean the entire world to him, the one who once would never let a single thing happen to him, fucking hell his other half , stands there almost motionless for a few moments. It’s like James is waiting for something more. Like if he waited long enough looking at the door, that Sirius would come running out offering him all the help in the world.
The problem is, Sirius can’t. It’s just not something that he can do. Not after all that he has done, he just- And that’s where his brain stops. He won’t let the thoughts go further than that because that would mean he has to face everything. Everything that he has kept neatly and tightly locked up in the corners of his mind that he never lets himself access.
When he looks up through the window of the closed door, no one is there. It’s not that he expected different, or that anything would change if James were still standing there, it’s just very final. This was it for them. It all hits him in waves. Well, not exactly. A year ago when they both boarded the train, separately but still, he knew that they likely wouldn’t see each other again. For some reason that was something Sirius was okay with at the time. There was no goodbye, no final words, none of that. Yet now, saying it out loud that they will never be together again, that this is it on Sirius and James, it’s worse.
So the pain comes in waves.
1. Remembering
First he remains standing at the door. Sirius can’t move. Deep down he wonders if James will come back, and he needs to be waiting at the door if he does, ready to see what comes next. He can stand here for hours, waiting. Eventually he would come back, right? They said that this is it, but that doesn’t mean forever.
Except that is what it means, because Sirius decided that. Right, that was him. He was the one that couldn’t get past everything, he was the one who turned him away. Sirius is the only thing standing in the way now. He’s always been the only thing standing between them.
The easy solution would be to run after him. He won’t. But he could. The bottom line doesn’t change though, it can’t. The mark on James’ arm is forever and that is something he just can’t look past. He was never going to be able to. Not with Regulus, not with James. There’s nothing and no one in this world that could get Sirius to overlook all of this and everything they have probably done. Even if neither of them did anything that bad or physically hurt anyone, they still did one thing that will always be beyond repair. They hurt Sirius.
They hurt him more than he could admit to anyone out loud. He never even let anyone see how bad he was hurting after all of it. Not even Remus. The thing is, he loves Remus so much. He’s practically his entire world at this point. But there were always two people throughout Sirius’ life that he would go to for comfort. First, and for the longest time, was Regulus. Then when they didn’t have each other, James came into the picture. That’s just how it was. So when those were the people that hurt him the most, in the worst ways, in ways they knew would tear him apart, Sirius had no idea what to do.
It took him a while to be able to be vulnerable at all again. He shut things away, he became unavailable. For weeks, Remus just held him. Looking back, he was probably trying to get him to talk or honestly to just do anything. Sirius didn’t. He shut everything off, he didn’t listen to anything anyone said, he was practically a ghost. It was so hard. So fucking hard.
Once he finally came back to himself, or a half version of himself at least, he really did make an effort. Sirius talked and laughed and did everything he could to seem like himself. Even if two parts of him were torn out of his chest, never to return.
The first wave is bad. It’s when the memories all flood back in. The walls he built come crashing down. The glass shatters in his mind. Sirius knew that he was pushing things down, it would be impossible for him not to know that. He just hadn’t realized how much…
It started intentionally. The moment James walked through that door over the summer and they locked eyes. That was when he started to file away every memory and every moment he used to cherish. If he didn’t do that, every thought, every glance, everything would have caused him pain. So naturally he locked everything up tight.
What Sirius didn’t realize, is that he would start to do it instinctively.
Throughout his life there have only been a few things that came so naturally to him, more natural than breathing. Taking care of his little brother and simply being friends with James. With Regulus, he had to care for him, he had to look out for him, he had to make sure his little brother was okay. There was no other choice for him there, so while he could he took care of him without a second thought. Then with James, he never had to think about it. They simply understood each other in a way no one else could. They breathed the same way, they thought the same way, they were two halves to a whole, two sides of a coin, a perfect pair.
Until they weren’t.
So really, it takes him by surprise realizing now that his instinct betrayed him in a way. Sirius’ instinct to take care of and trust both James and Regulus turned into the instinct to erase them, to not trust them, to keep them as far from him as possible.
The first wave is when he remembers all that he repressed. When he spent the rest of that summer crying at night and putting on a brave face with Effie during the day because he couldn’t tell her what her son had done. When he didn’t talk for the first two weeks of school simply because he didn’t know how to, or even if he should tell Remus and Peter what James had done. When he would start walking down a corridor in the castle and turn around suddenly because he saw one or both of them down the other end. When he stopped going to watch quidditch matches because he knew that James was still playing in them. When the first full moon of their seventh year came around and Padfoot was missing Prongs. When suddenly the dorm felt both weird and wrong having only three people. When he walked into the library and saw them, fully seeing the mark on James’ arm for the first time. When they had the last party of their school years and he didn’t feel right the entire night.
It was more than that though. Sirius didn’t only repress the moments he saw them across the castle or caught a glimpse of them around a corner. He also pushed away all of the times that his mind dared to think of them. And all of the times he pushed the mere thought of his used-to-be best friend or brother out of his thoughts. Now he can vividly see in his mind one night that he must have really been missing them and he sat in bed all night whispering their names. Remus woke up to find him like that and tried to tell him that it was okay. That he wasn’t a bad person for missing them, that he could still get them back, that they weren’t lost forever.
It would be so much easier to not remember. Sirius hates this stupid fucking first wave. He didn’t ask for it and he sure as hell never would have. The point of repressing all of this was so that he would never have to think about it or deal with it. James and Regulus were gone, out of sight, out of mind, even memories of them were buried and locked with a key that Sirius threw away. And yet here he is, reliving and remembering every detail.
The first wave is bad, but it’s nowhere near being the worst.
How much time passes from when James walks away to when Sirius remembers all of it? Well most of it, he may never remember all of it, or it will take forever to recover all that he thought was lost. It’s a long time, the exact amount unknown. Not long enough for Remus to check on him or for the sun to set, but a long time nonetheless.
The last thing to resurface in his mind is naturally the most recent. The letters. Sirius knows that there are a lot of them. Each time one arrived over the last year, he would see it and file away the memory in his mind and the letter somewhere that he was not likely to come across it again. He never could bring himself to burn them, though he wishes he could have. Things would be easier right now if these letters were gone.
Right? Or would he be hurting more?
Sirius is lying to himself if he thinks he would be better off not having these letters. After all they are officially the last thing he has of his little brother. Who is dead, he has to remind himself. This is all he has of him and that’s probably a good thing. Part of him doesn’t want to read them because they could ruin him even more, ruin their relationship more than they already had. But that’s not the part of him that wins. Of course it isn’t.
This is his little brother. No matter what he has said in the past, or even earlier today, Regulus will always be his brother. And he’s dead. At first Sirius didn’t fully process that. When James said it, the words felt wrong. They felt foreign. How could he be alive when his brother isn’t?
He had seen Regulus just the night before. Well not really, but in his dream. It was weird. In all honesty it’s been a long time since he had dreamed. At least dreams that he can remember. All during the war it’s been a miracle if he gets enough sleep. Not that he is out on missions too often to sleep, it’s just hard to get rest. Each day that he or Remus have something they are asked to do, he’s a bit worried and it keeps him tossing and turning.
It’s become much easier for him to stay up than to try and fail at sleeping. When he does get a full night of sleep, it’s when Remus isn't out either and they are wrapped in each other’s arms. It’s the only place Sirius feels safe anymore. Those nights he doesn’t dream, just because anything he could want to escape to, is no different than where he is in those moments. With Remus.
Last night however, Regulus showed up. He wasn’t an expected visitor behind his eyelids, but he also wasn’t unwelcome. It was weird to see him. Regulus looked younger, well at least like life hadn’t taken as much of a toll on him. His features were softer just like they were when they were children. That’s a funny thought. They are practically still children. Eighteen and nineteen. Much too young for all that has happened. Life has not been kind to either of them.
Maybe death is being kinder to Regulus than life was.
In the dream Sirius got to sit with him. He had no idea what to say. Not after how things ended between them. Not after the awful things he said because he was hurt. None of those were things he could take back. He doesn’t necessarily want to, because he does still believe that what they did was horrible. But he does regret it. Most of all he regrets that he let them go and let them push him as far as they did so that he would hurt them right back. None of it was fair on any of them.
Regulus seemed to also not know what to say. For most of the dream they didn’t talk. Instead they sat together in a pillow fort that appeared around them. It was exactly as he remembered the ones they would build when they were younger. Smaller. So naturally this one is sized up a bit because they are no longer nine and ten years old. Not even a decade has gone by since they last sat in one of these together, yet so much had changed and would never have the chance to change back.
When they did start speaking, dream Sirius was able to put everything that sits between them out of his mind. He knew it was a dream, so he chose to allow himself to be a kid again. To look at his little brother and smile rather than grimace.
In the end the dream didn’t last all that long. By the time he was ready for more, almost anticipating them having a real conversation, Regulus said that he missed him and he was sorry, and then faded away as Sirius opened his eyes. They didn’t get the chance to apologize to each other for anything. They didn’t get the chance to forgive one another for anything. There was simply not enough time for how much they have been through.
Maybe it was better that way. It didn’t cross Sirius’ mind that there was a reason he was dreaming of him. It should have. But maybe that was for the better too. If he had known that was the end, would he have done anything different? Would he have tried to find a way to stop it from being the end?
When James told him that Regulus died, he realized the dream was a goodbye. Even more than that, the letter he got yesterday evening was a goodbye too.
At least now when he reads that he will know. One happy goodbye, well as happy as could be, and one… One that he never wanted.
He can’t just ignore the letter, he has to know what he said. Even if this makes him unbearably sad, if it makes him regret everything from the past two years, or the past ten years. Even if he wouldn’t change anything and isn’t sad over it. (He will be, but he wants to prepare for all of the possibilities.)
That’s how the first wave ends. How all of the memories flood in and Sirius remembers it all. Each nook in his mind unlocked. Everything on display, no matter how painful.
He’s expecting the second wave to be bad, but he knows it won’t be the worst part.
2. Reading
It’s hard. Sirius spends the next twenty minutes running around the house grabbing each and every letter that he has stored away in the last year. A week ago, or even just this morning, he would not have been able to say where any of them were sitting. Now though, it only takes as long as it does because of how many there are.
He can’t understand how or why Regulus sent this many letters. When the first one arrived, he thought it had been a mistake. Sirius sat there with it in his lap for hours. He couldn’t bring himself to open it, he couldn’t bring himself to do anything. Of course he wanted to know what he said and why he wrote to him, but that wasn’t the part of him that won. The part of him fostering his hatred for his little brother won out. It won out every fucking time and he just wishes he could have fought back against it.
Too little too late, though. Sirius couldn’t do it then, so the first letter and every letter after it sat unopened. Sealed shut. He nearly dropped the first one into the fire that had been burning, but Remus stopped him. Somehow he knew that one day Sirius would want to read them. Has Sirius really become that predictable? Well, maybe not because he let James walk away. But he has to read these letters now.
There isn’t any pressure for him to respond to them, there’s no one to respond to now. That’s how he explains it in his mind. No matter what Regulus has said in each letter, there is nothing to be said in return. The past cannot be changed, It’s just surprising how many he wrote. After not getting a response, wouldn’t he have thought to stop?
This now begs the question of which letter should he start with. For the most part he has them sorted by earliest to latest. He should probably start with the first one. That way he can get the full story of everything that has happened with Regulus since they left Hogwarts. That’s when the letters started, right? Or he could start with the last one just to know. To know what Regulus wanted to say to him just before he died.
It could even be easier to not read them in any particular order. Sirius could just get glimpses of various times and not have the full story painted in front of him. He won’t have to know how events unfolded and when things went bad, if they did, or how everything played out. The war has been hard on Sirius, so there is no doubt that it was hard on them as well. Just in a different way. The dark side hasn’t lost nearly as many people and lately have seemed to be gaining power.
But that doesn’t mean the war wasn’t hard on James and Regulus. They, well James at least, wasn’t built for dark magic. He was meant to be fighting on the other side, standing shoulder to shoulder with Sirius fighting together. How things played out wasn’t something he could have even made up in his wildest dreams. Regulus however was a different story. He felt helpless with him. Nothing he did helped him and for so long he seemed to reject any sort of help.
Thinking back now, shouldn’t James have helped? If Sirius couldn’t be the one to help his little brother, then it should have been him. Except they were together and he still got the mark. He had a way out and he didn’t do anything about it. He had multiple ways out.
This is how Sirius realizes that it wasn’t just him that wasn’t enough. And that maybe the ways out he could see weren’t really options for Regulus. There was nothing that would be enough to save him. He was trapped. At first, and for years, Sirius thought that he was the problem. That he simply wasn’t reason enough for his little brother to leave. That he didn’t want to be with Sirius. It helped a little bit that James wasn’t enough either, but then again Sirius wasn’t enough for James either. He couldn’t have both of them it seemed. And instead of keeping at least one of them close, he lost them both.
The letters could be about anything. That’s what scares him the most Sirius thinks. Not the amount of them, not that they exist at all. Just simply that he doesn’t know what Regulus wanted to say to him over the last year. There is a simple and honestly quite easy way to change that fear. All he has to do is start reading them and his curiosity will disappear. Why is it so hard to pick up one of the stupid letters?
Okay. He can do this. They’re sitting in his lap and on the sofa next to him all around his crossed legs. Sirius did his best to put them in order of when they were sent. It wasn’t that hard because Regulus just so happened to date all of them. Why? He has no idea, maybe just in case this is how Sirius ended up reading them. So that he would know the timeline of everything.
In the end, Sirius wishes they didn’t have dates on them. It makes it more painful to know how quickly things went bad. How slippery the slope was, how far they fell, how not even time could heal their wounds.
In the end Sirius regrets reading the letters. It would have been easier to not know.
June 29th 1978
Sirius,
I’ve been writing letters that will never be sent for months now. I don’t know why I'm telling you this, but I guess that is how this is going to start. This one will be sent, but perhaps it will not be read. That’s up to you.
We just left Hogwarts. In fact I’m writing this on the train with James asleep on my shoulder. You may not want to hear about him or our relationship, and I will spare you any details on that, but you should hear about him. He misses you. I can tell. For now he is doing okay. I really do not know how much longer I’ll be able to say that, but for now he is okay. I’ll tell you if that changes, and I hope that if it does, you will come to help.
As much as I love him and as much time as I have spent with him, there is no one that can help him better than you. I’m not naive, I know that you two have something special. There is a bond there that no one, not even me, can penetrate. It’s stronger than any friendship or relationship I have ever seen. Maybe that isn’t saying anything, given our family, but still. I hope that you will always care for him and that you will care enough to help one day. I wish I could say things won’t ever get to that point, but I’m not an optimist.
I don’t have much to say, but I hope that by sending this as the first letter, you’ll read it and then open the rest when I do send others. Really the only thing to share is that this will be my last time on the train. I’m not going back to Hogwarts. Even though I have a year left and my friends will be there, I am leaving to be with James. He will be better if he is not alone. I don’t think there is anyone else that would keep him safe otherwise.
I hope this finds you well and I hope that you will write back. We never have to see each other or actually talk again, but I'd like to write to each other. It’s something and something is better than nothing.
R.A.B.
He doesn’t expect to feel as much as he does. His chest tightens as his eyes scan the page over and over again. He reads it once, twice, three times. For no reason in particular. There are plenty of other letters he can read that likely are much more meaningful than this one, but this was the first. This was the first letter that Regulus sent him, not the first he wrote, but the first he sent off. And Sirius never wrote back or even read it for that matter.
It doesn’t come as a surprise to him that there isn’t much said in this one. It does surprise him that Regulus wrote it, and supposedly hundreds more just because he wanted to. But maybe that shouldn’t shock him as much as it does. They are brothers after all.
The second letter came less than a week after the first.
July 3rd 1978
Sirius,
Things are going as expected. That might be a lie, things might be worse. I really didn’t know what to expect if I’m honest. A few hours ago we… Sorry, scratch that. I don’t think you want to hear that. I’ll keep it brief, yeah? As vague as possible, but I have to tell you.
We went somewhere earlier. We had to. It was technically the first official time. For risk of being killed, I shouldn’t say much else about that. So I‘ll just get to the point.
He can’t finish reading. At least not right now. The lump in his throat drops to the pit of his stomach and he gags. Quickly Sirius runs to the bathroom and empties the contents of his stomach.
His baby brother and his best friend, death eaters. That’s where they were, a meeting for the death eaters. It makes him sick. The thing is he knew. He has known. For months, a year, more. And yet, seeing it said, seeing it mentioned so casually, makes it more real. Quite frankly more real than when Sirius saw James’ mark only hours ago, or when he saw Regulus’ when it was fresh. This letter can barely even be deemed casual, but the point still stands.
Sirius lets himself sit in the bathroom for longer than he needs. This was only the second letter and he hasn’t even finished it. He can’t imagine what the rest have in store. How is he meant to make it through more of these letters which no doubt go into more detail than this one? He could quit now. Technically he could stop now, he got final words from his brother, that could be closure enough.
Except it isn’t. Some part of Sirius needs to devour every last word that Regulus has left him with. So he pulls himself off the ground and manages to make it back to the sofa that is covered in signed and dated pieces of parchment. The sight of the letters nearly brings more bile up his throat, but he pushes it down. He has to get through these, even if it’s the last thing he does.
James didn’t handle it well. I am doing my best to keep him present and I’m struggling. He slipped away or started to and he’s awake but he doesn’t seem to be fully here.
I know this is different because of the situation, but has this ever happened before? Has he ever gone into a haze and just sort of shut down? It took a while to get him to drink some water or eat anything. He’s just moving very slow and hasn’t said anything since we got home.
Just- please tell me what to do. You’ve known James longer than I have. Do you know how to help him? I’m scared that he will fully go away and that I’ll lose him even if he is still physically with me. I don’t want that to happen. One day we will have a better life and I hope that he will be okay when we get the chance for that.
Sirius, please. If you read this, tell me how to help him before it gets worse.
R.A.B.
James… That’s all his brain can think now. James his best friend. James who was just here. James who only did all that he did for Regulus. James who wasn’t strong enough for it.
Maybe he was overwhelmed. Maybe they did something to him that night. That could be it, right? It doesn’t sound like James to get like that. In all of the years they were friends, Sirius never saw James’ eyes so much as gloss over, let alone completely dissociate. He never cried, he never went hazy. That’s just how things were with him. Even when he would get distracted, which he did a lot, he was still always aware.
It just feels wrong. Would Regulus make it sound worse than it was just to get Sirius to help? That’s another explanation. The only real way to know is for him to keep reading. He knows this. But that doesn’t mean he likes it. The next letter is dated for mid July. A longer gap between the previous two. Maybe things got better during those missing weeks and that’s why he didn’t write.
He’s very quickly proven wrong.
July 20th 1978
S,
I had hoped you would answer by now. I didn’t want to send another in case it was just taking you some time to respond. That would be understandable. The letters I sent so far weren’t quite happy, so maybe you just needed to sit with them.
Now I'm not too sure. I hope that you’re ignoring them now. I would much prefer that you aren’t reading them at all than for you to read them and purposefully not respond. Especially if you are choosing to not help James. Which, speaking of him, I think I am really going to need your help.
It hurts. Why? He isn’t quite sure. Something about being accused of denying the request to help someone who used to be his best friend just doesn’t sit right. Thinking back though, would he have gone to help James had he read these at the time?
Sirius hates his answer to that question, so he stops asking it.
Things have picked up for us. We have things to do nearly every night. It’s not looking good for us. Well, the side we are fighting with is doing fine, yours is not. And we are not. James is not.
I’m doing my best to help him. I never leave him alone for too long, and not at all when we are out on assignments or at meetings. If he isn’t by my side I am worried about him and as much as I wish that wasn’t the case, it’s okay. It means he is still himself.
You would like to know that, right? James is still James. All that we have done and experienced in the past few weeks hasn’t changed him. When he comes out of the haze he laughs like he always has and he smiles just as big. Something about his laugh reminds me of you, but I know it’s him. So no matter what, James is still himself.
He has started to slip more frequently, but I’m handling it. Okay? I would like your help, but we are okay on our own for now. I’ll tell you when it gets bad. Even if you don’t want to hear that, I will need to tell you. There’s no one else.
I hope you are staying safe, brother. I haven’t seen you out anywhere and I hope that means you are staying out of the battle. You are too young to be on the front lines of a losing war.
R.A.B.
Too young. That’s not something he would expect to hear from his brother who is the definition of too young. At least Sirius didn’t join a war when he was sixteen. He had the decency and some vague form of self preservation to wait until at least eighteen. By the time this letter had been sent, Sirius was fighting. Smaller fights and mostly missions that started out as just patrolling or guarding, but still. He just hopes he never faced off against James or Regulus.
By this time things weren’t as bad as they could have been. He will keep telling himself that until proven wrong. At least there are no reports of them hurting or killing anyone. Or of James getting hurt. He almost thinks, at least neither of them died, but stops himself before the thought finishes.
Regulus did die.
How could he almost forget? He may have just found out a few hours ago, and it may have just happened, but he hasn’t seen him in a year. It shouldn’t be hard to believe or hard to remember that his only brother is dead. Then again, reading his letters brings his voice back into his mind. A voice he hasn’t heard in far too long and one that he will never hear again.
So as good as things seem in the letters from last year, they never get better. It’s only a matter of time before they get worse, which they will. Sirius only hopes that there are good moments that were written too. That this isn’t a recount of a fast moving downward spiral.
Except that is what it seems to be.
The next handful of letters are fine. Two more short ones from July and then two from August and one from the beginning of September. Not much happened during those. That was when there was a bit of peace for the war. Maybe it was the whole wizarding world taking time to appreciate the warmer weather, or maybe it was just a coincidence that everything settled down for a bit. Honestly things were calm for longer than anyone expected. By the time September came, everyone seemed to be on edge waiting for shit to get worse again.
In that time, James was said to be doing okay. They would apparently go flying every once in a while to keep their skills up and because both of them were always happiest in the sky. It’s freeing being able to fly. It’s been a long time since Sirius flew and just reading about it makes him want to go out.
He doesn’t though, not while there are more letters sitting here unread. Sirius keeps going before he could make the wise choice to spare himself the details. He doesn’t even take time to wonder where Remus is. Normally they would be sure to know where the other is and when they would be home, but today he can’t think straight. He’s sure that Remus is fine and that he will see him later, these letters are taking precedence though.
September 21st 1978
Sirius,
I wish that I wasn’t writing this letter. I wish that tonight had never happened. At that, I wish that the past few years never happened. I would give up everything I have now or have ever had to have stopped this from happening.
You might not even believe what I am about to tell you. If I hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t believe me either. It’s James we are talking about after all.
I’ll stop stalling. We, just the two of us, were called to by our cousin for what was called training. There had been a few other instances of this, but nothing was that bad. All just some spells that we would likely use or training on dark potions. Nothing we weren’t expecting. I honestly should have expected this, but then again I must have just thought it wasn’t necessary.
We were asked to use and practice one of the unforgivables. Writing this, should this letter end up with anyone other than you, could land me, and James, in Azkaban. But it’s you, Sirius. I had to tell you. It was bad. Do you remember what it feels like? That’s all I could think about.
If you don’t want to read this, just stop here. You can ignore the rest of this letter. The thing is I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this. I can’t talk to James because he is even worse off than me. Which you would know from my other letters. But anyway, writing this feels better than keeping it in. Maybe you’ll read it and maybe this will be the letter you reply to. Even if it’s not, that’s okay.
Sirius could stop. He should stop. But he is not going to. Fuck, he really really should. Reading about his baby brother and best friend using an unforgivable might be just that, unforgivable. These letters should be helping him to see past it, to get the closure he so desperately wants. This isn’t that. He thought that they passed unforgivable in his mind long ago, but only on the surface. Deep down they never could. Even now, as sick to his stomach as this letter makes him, they really aren’t all that unforgivable as he once thought.
They’re still them.
It felt weird to use the spell. All I could hear in my head as I cast it was your screams. That sound has been in my mind since the first time I heard it and I don’t know anything that hurts me more than that. Honestly being crucioed or using the cruciatus hurts less than hearing your screams. The people we used it on weren’t screaming. Or well, they couldn’t. Probably for the best.
I didn’t want James to have to hear that, he was already so shook up. Can I confess something to you? I lied to James tonight. I told him that it doesn’t hurt, that the people would be fine, that it’s really not as bad as it sounds. We both know that is not true. Maybe we did get used to it after some time, but it never really got better. We just got numb.
There’s a reason I lied and a reason I did the spell. I don’t think it will come as a surprise to you. It was to protect James. If we hadn’t done it, if we had refused, we would have been on the receiving end of the cruciatus. I could have handled it of course, but Bella would have known that. She would have had me watch them do it to James instead. So really this was the only option.
I know it’s unforgivable. To do what mother did to us to another innocent person. But please forgive me. I’m sorry Sirius, I really am.
R.A.B.
He was warned. And yet Sirius felt that he had to keep reading. Regulus isn’t even alive, but after all that has happened, especially between them, the least he can do is read all of the letters from start to finish. He owes his brother that much. Right?
This right here, this is where the second wave blends into the third. The divide is no longer clear. As he’s reading, things stick out to him. Like Regulus’ motives, James’ reluctance, the state that both of them were in, the missing pieces to the puzzle.
The third wave is where he realizes his mistakes.
3. Realizing
He doesn’t stop reading. A tiny voice in the back of his mind thinks that after all of this, he’s going to go after James. It’s only the right thing to do. As long as nothing in the rest of these letters is past his limit of what he can now move past, he’ll go. All Sirius needed was some clarity on it all. The worst part is that no one other than himself was stopping him. He had all that he needed, all of the letters, to be able to get the full picture and to see that they needed him. They needed his help.
And he didn’t give it.
He frantically grabs at the previous letters, causing a mess in the pile. All he wants is to check if there were other things he didn’t pick up on in those. Were there other bad, or worse things they did that Sirius just scanned over? Ultimately there aren’t. He only hurts himself more by reading some of the letters more than once.
Now the remaining letters are scattered and out of order, but he can’t be bothered to reorganize them before going back to reading. He just grabs the first one that he sees and reads it. It’s more of the same. So is the next one. And the next one, and the next one after that.
All of the letters follow the same pattern. Whether they’re in order or not, he doesn’t pay attention. But in each and every one, James seems to be getting worse than before. Regulus talks about how he’s less and less present. Each piece of parchment he picks up he hopes and prays to any gods out there that James will be better, that nothing bad will have happened, that Regulus is just writing to him to say hi. That’s never the case, though not all of them talk about anything war related.
He’s lost count of how many letters he has read. Too many. Not enough. Somewhere in between.
November 3rd 1978
Just like that, that’s all it takes for Sirius to feel sick again. Even when they weren’t speaking, even after Sirius didn’t answer any of the letters…. Regulus still sent him a letter on his birthday. He never stopped caring.
What did Sirius do on Regulus’ birthday? Or James’? Nothing. He never sent a letter, he never tried to reach out. He simply pretended like those days were nothing more than a simple ordinary day. That was the best he could do and now he feels awful that he never did anything more.
Happy birthday Sirius.
Hopefully you are having a good day and enjoying it with your friends. James and I would both rather be there celebrating if we were welcome. Since we aren’t, at least I assume based on you not answering any of my letters yet, you still deserve to be surrounded by people who love you and that you love in return.
He loves them. He loves them so much. Oh how Sirius wishes he realized this sooner. He let his hatred for what they are and what they became cloud his perspective and warp the love that he does still have for both of them. Regulus may be gone now, but at least Sirius knows that he loved him. And now for the rest of time, Sirius can recognize the love he has for his little brother and stop feeling the hate. It’s all he can do.
Go run through the streets of London today and buy yourself some muggle books or trinkets or whatever you find. When you get home from doing that, have Remus help you build a fort and hide away in there for the rest of the night. If you want to. Just, whatever you do, pretend the war doesn't exist today. Block out everything bad in the world and your life, even if it means blocking me out. Have a good day.
R.A.B.
P.S. - You are getting old.
The worst feeling is knowing that on that day, Sirius was blocking him out. He did pretend that his little brother didn’t exist just to keep any thoughts of him or James from ruining his day. Oh he’s awful for doing that. And now Regulus is dead and Sirius is just going to keep getting older and older and never get to celebrate his birthday with him again, or see Regulus get any older. He’s going to be eighteen forever and Sirius will grow and grow and grow, only getting further from him.
Every part of his brain is signaling for him to take a break and stop reading, but he has to keep going. He’s already realized how many mistakes he has made and it would just be easier to get it all out of the way now. When it’s all done he can go after James, but he needs to know everything first.
He knows the mistakes he made now, with both Regulus and James. Sirius was never fair with either of them. It shouldn’t have taken him until now to realize it, but for some reason it did. And now he’s left to pick up the pieces to a puzzle that will never fit together again. There are things he is too late to fix or change, but some things he might have a chance with. He just needs to know the full story, everything that Regulus tried to tell him over the last year.
The letters get less frequent for a time. Only one or two each month. There was no letter dated on Christmas or Regulus’ birthday which hurts. Sirius wants to know how it was. But in this case no news is not good news, so he just accepts the good fact that the letters kept coming after that.
February 22nd 1979
Sirius,
You still have not answered, but I guess I never expected you to.
I am worried. Each day I recognize James less and less. I know that this is my fault, I just wish I could make it better. Please, how do I make it better? He’s only himself when we are alone. I miss his smile, he hasn’t smiled in awhile.
I keep trying, but I don’t think I’m enough for him. He gets into these hazes, like he’s not really present. Sometimes for days, I can’t get him to come back to reality. He moves around the house like a ghost, barely eating, not speaking. He’s walked past your room so many times, but never goes in. I think if I can get him to go in, he will feel more like himself. He needs you more than me.
James feels cold. He used to be so warm. Did I turn him cold? He was the sun but now we live in darkness. How do I get the sun to come back out? Sirius, please.
R.A.B.
This one hurts. It’s not much different than most of the other letters, but it stings. Around this letter is where Regulus rarely mentions himself and only talks of James. It’s clear that James is his priority and that should comfort Sirius, right? To know that his brother cares so deeply about his best friend. Though that is probably why it hurts so much. Sirius stopped caring, or well, stopped letting himself care. But Regulus never did. If anything he stepped up and picked up the slack. If anything, Regulus is the only reason James is still alive and mentally present today.
What good did having all of these letters sitting here unopened do him? His brother is gone. Sirius mentally hits himself over the head for that. Maybe he could have saved Regulus if he had answered any of the letters. Even if he didn’t know how to help, he could have written back.
It’s not just Regulus though. James clearly needed someone to help more than Regulus could. And not in a way that was because he wasn’t doing enough, but because more still needed to be done. The war was ready to take him, and yet he is still going.
He is still going, but he doesn’t have anyone.
Regulus is gone and Sirius just turned him away. Each time he thinks he can handle this, another realization hits him. Everything comes back to something Sirius did or didn’t do. He doesn’t know how much more of it he can take before he completely breaks down. That’s not to say he isn’t actively crying right now over this, but at least there’s an end to the letters and some semblance of a path forward.
March 26th 1979
S,
Things haven't been good. I’ll spare you most of the details, but I think I need your help. More than before.
We were sent on a mission and had to be gone for almost a week. James didn't smile once. He isn't himself and I don't know how to get him back. We just got home and he still hasn't come back to himself. The whole time we were gone he barely even spoke. There was no light in his eyes. I didn't recognize him.
It's been like this before. Every time we have to go somewhere, but it's never lasted this long. I can usually bring him back to himself. This time something feels different. He's so cold and his breathing is so slow.
We’re just sitting here now, I don't think he even realizes I moved to write this letter. I need your help. Please tell me how to help him, you're the only one who can.
It’s his birthday tomorrow… Is that reason enough for you to help?
Please.
R.A.B.
There aren’t many letters left. He just wants to be done with them. Each one hurts more than the last and all of them together weigh so heavily on him. He’s never going to stop thinking about them. They will be on a loop in his mind.
April 15th 1979
Sirius,
I miss you. I’ve wanted to tell you for a while. I couldn’t figure out how. Mostly I thought it might scare you away. It made me nervous. I don’t think you miss me, and that’s alright. I have missed you for so long. Since you left for Hogwarts when you were eleven, I think. That’s when I lost you.
We are never going to be together again, are we? You haven’t read any of these, I assume. Otherwise you would come, right? If not for me, then for James. I don’t blame you for leaving, you know. I wish I could have left too. Then we would all be okay. You, me, and James. The sun and two stars.
If you do read these, I would like to see you. Any time, anywhere. Even just for a second. I miss you. I should have said that before. I should have done a lot of things. I want you to know I have a lot of regrets. You are one of them, but not for the reasons you think. I regret not trying more with you, I regret not leaving with you when I had the chance, I regret not talking to you more. Mostly I regret not saying things to you before it was too late.
Is it too late? Even if it is, and even if you never read this, at least I’ll have said it.
Sirius, I love you. I always have, you’re my big brother. Always my big brother.
R.A.B.
The wail he lets out reaches beyond the walls of the cottage. Surprisingly no one comes to check and see if he is okay. Which is for the better. He wouldn’t have an answer for them. Of course he isn’t okay, but how would he explain that? Sirius practically denounced them as brothers and is sobbing over a letter his now dead brother wrote.
But he missed him. Regulus missed his big brother. Brother. That’s what he is to him, that’s what they always were and always will be. No matter what ignorant things Sirius said two years ago. He was stupid and hurt and not thinking.
Of course he loves and misses him. It’s just a little too late for it to make a difference.
It’s ironic that Regulus asked to see him. Not because he would want to, or because they never did. The next letter puts things into perspective and makes Sirius realize just how cruel life can be. It even took away their ability to reunite in a way that could be good.
April 29th 1979
Sirius,
I don’t know how to say this. Might as well just come right out with it. I saw you today. I don't think that you saw me, well I know that you didn't. There was no way for you to. We had the masks on. I really have no idea why I am even writing this to you. it would be better if you didn't know, less painful. But I have to write this.
I have to write this because it wasn't just me who saw you. James did too. It was really hard. I've told you about how he starts to slip away whenever we go on assignments, but this time he hadn’t faded yet. He was entirely present when he saw you.
James didn’t want to talk about it. I apparated us home as quickly as I could and asked him if he had seen you. Even though I knew that he did. That was when he slipped away. Something right now feels different, worse. I know that it's only been a few hours and I might be overreacting but I feel like it will be harder to pull him back this time.
I need you to help. I’m not enough on my own anymore.
R.A.B.
There was a day once, possibly more than once, that Sirius told him just that. That Regulus wasn’t enough. That he would never be enough. It was never true. Not even a little bit. He was enough, Sirius just didn’t know how to still love him after everything.
Now he knows. Now he realizes that he never, not even slightly, hated his little brother. He’s always loved him. He loves him still.
The next few letters sting. It’s as if Regulus is rubbing salt in the wound by just saying how things are getting worse and worse. But that isn’t what he was trying to do. Sirius knows this now. It all only hurts as much as it does because he never did anything, because he is only now reading the letters.
Because it’s too late.
For the last however many hours it’s taken him to get through these letters, through broken sobs, through gasping for breath, all Sirius has wanted is to be done. He wanted to reach the last letter sooner. He just wanted it to be over. Like once he reached the end of the final letter he could open his eyes and it would have all been a dream. That would be nice.
Now that the last letter, the one he received last night, is the only one sitting in his lap unread, he wishes there were more. This can’t be the last letter in what seemed like such a daunting stack earlier. It’s unfathomable that Sirius is holding the last words Regulus ever said to him.
Well, that’s not necessarily true. He didn’t know it was real at the time, and maybe there is no way to truly know, but Sirius knows. He’s known since James was here and mentioned the dream he had. Sirius realized in that moment that when he saw Regulus behind his eyelids last night that it was him saying goodbye.
They were in Regulus’ old room. He didn’t know why they were there, but that wasn’t what was on his mind. At first he was confused to be seeing Regulus at all. Sirius had been doing his best to not even think about him at all. It had probably been a few days, maybe a week, since the last thought he had, and even longer since he had spoken his name aloud.
In the dream though, it didn’t feel unnatural. He could talk to him without feeling the pain he was used to. He could look at him like a brother and not the enemy. It was a refreshing dream. For the most part they just sat there. Sirius didn’t know what to say. Honestly. The problem was that there was far too much to say.
Regulus didn’t seem to mind though. He was content enough to just sit shoulder to shoulder with Sirius on the floor, their backs leaning against the side of the bed. They looked right out the window, the night sky in perfect view. It was the first time in a long time that he felt at peace.
Nothing seemed to weigh on his mind then. No stress from life or the war was able to seep into his bones. Sirius felt light. Possibly the best he ever had, at least in terms of Regulus.
He doesn’t wish he knew then what he knows now. He is happy to have those moments to treasure. Moments of happiness and love with his brother. Even if they are the last.
Sirius doesn’t wish to have known that Regulus was already dead. All he wishes for now is to have him back.
“I’m so sorry, big brother…” Regulus had said. Except there wasn’t time for Sirius to respond. The dream and his brother faded away before he got the chance. Words were on the tip of his tongue when he woke. What those words were, Sirius still doesn’t know and he never will. He’d like to think that he was going to tell Regulus is was okay, that he forgives him, that he loves him.
It may not be the truth but now, after everything today, it’s what he will tell himself. Sirius was going to tell Regulus he loves him. That just has to be enough for him to hold onto.
There is nothing that could prepare him for the last letter. The one sent hours before… It’s not like the other letters. It isn’t a cry for help, it isn’t requesting advice or a meeting or a response. It’s just a letter. A goodbye letter. Dated for yesterday.
June 1st 1979
Sirius,
In my last letter, in case you didn’t read it but decide to read this one, I told you about the secret we found out. Tonight, I am going to go find it and destroy it. After this, things will be better. Your side will be able to win the war, make sure you do.
I am going to some cave where the Dark Lord has stashed his secret. Kreacher is taking me. We thought it would be best if only one of us went, so James is staying home. He doesn’t have the energy to be the one to go anyway. He’s still not doing well. Each day I feel him slipping away more and more. I just want him back, I want him to want to be present.
I am about to leave and am sending this right before I go. Things will hopefully go as planned, and you can disregard this letter entirely. Though if anything goes wrong, I would regret not sending this. If you only read one of my letters, let it be this one, okay?
Goodbye, Sirius. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better brother. I’m sorry for everything. You don’t have to forgive me, I wouldn’t. I miss you and I love you. Always have, and always will. In another life, we would be brothers that get along and want to spend time together and love each other without it being so messy. At least I hope that’s true.
If this is the end for me, I need you to take care of James. If I don’t make it back, he is going to be all alone, and I can’t do anything to change that, but you can. Please, take care of him for me. For you. For him. He needs someone and if it can’t be me, I need it to be you. I need him to be okay. I know you haven’t talked to him in years, but that doesn’t matter. You can help him to be okay after I’m gone.
I love you, Sirius. Goodbye.
Your little brother,
R.A.B
The only thing left for him to do is break down. It’s not as if Sirius has been holding back emotions all night, but this is much worse. The sounds that leave his mouth are gut wrenching screams. In the morning his throat will surely be raw.
He reads this letter more times than he should. He’s lost count. There is no doubt that tomorrow and every day after that he will reread this again and again. The apologies, the confessions, the pleas. It’s all too much for Sirius. He wants to be able to reach out and yell at Regulus for even daring to apologize for not being a better brother. That is far from the truth. He tried his best, he did the best that he could. In the end it was Sirius who let him down.
It was always him and he hates himself now for it.
There were so many times that Sirius could have fixed all of this. Each time he only made it worse. If he hadn’t gotten so mad at James and Regulus for seeing each other, if he hadn’t been so cruel when Regulus got the mark, if he never stopped trusting James. If he had just taken the time to read even one of the godforsaken letters. Then things would be okay. Then Regulus would be alive. Then he wouldn’t be sitting here alone reading the last words Regulus ever shared with him.
At last he realizes his most recent mistake. He swallows the lump in his throat, but the tears don’t slow at all. Had he read this letter when he first got it, whether he had read any of the others or not, would he have still turned James away? No, he wouldn’t. At least that is what his answer is now after learning everything of the last year. Sirius should kick himself for letting him leave.
All he can do now is run.
4. Running
The third wave hurt more than the first two. The fourth is how Sirius can fix it all. Now is his chance to make things as right as they can be given the unchangeable circumstances. He can’t bring Regulus back, but he can listen to his final request. He can go after James and make sure he is okay, keep him safe.
The fourth wave should be the last if all things go to plan. The last of the bad. Everything could be looking up from here as long as Sirius succeeds.
As he lifts himself off the sofa, he leaves the letters scattered wherever they last fell. It’s not a concern right now to clean them up and he’s sure that Remus will leave them be rather than let anything happen to them. Which Sirius will be grateful for. He plans to reread them until all of his brother’s words are permanent fixtures in his mind.
This is where he runs into the first problem. He doesn’t actually know where James went or even where he lives now. None of Regulus’ letters had an address marked, but they didn’t need to. Not when an owl was delivering it. This makes trying to apparate to James much more difficult. It’s possible to apparate to a location you have never been before. Usually it helps to have a strong connection to it or to whoever you are going to see. That could have been how James showed up on his front step earlier, so it’s his best chance.
Sirius squeezes his eyes shut and tries to picture James rather than a house he has never seen. Of course the first thing he sees is him from earlier tonight. He sees the mark on his arm and the pain in his eyes. It’s an awful sight and he quickly opens his eyes and tries to clear his mind. That image will certainly not help him right now. If anything it would make it harder. So instead, Sirius tries to dig up a memory. The happiest one he can find as if he were casting a patronus. This time when he closes his eyes, he sees him and James throughout their years at Hogwarts. It’s not a single memory but flashes of the highlights from their friendship.
The first time they met on the train, their first night in the Gryffindor dorm, watching quidditch together (which swiftly moves to be James soaring across the pitch), full moons, becoming animagi, James helping Sirius when he ran away from his parents, and every other happy moment they shared. In the past year, almost two, he had started to forget how good things used to be. It never made sense how quickly and drastically everything changed.
How did they go from the boys who carried two way mirrors at all times to talk to each other, to Sirius not being able to look James in the eye?
His eyes remain tightly shut and he feels the familiar fade and jolt as he apparates. Where? He’s not quite sure. After nearly splinching himself, he opens his eyes to steady himself and finds that he isn’t at James’ house at all. In fact he’s right outside of Hogwarts grounds. The memories must have brought him here because it’s better than nowhere.
It should have worked better than this though. Unless James isn’t home. Where else would he be? He was in no state to be doing anything when he left. Which hurt Sirius more than he could admit, especially because he caused it. Then he realizes that maybe James and Regulus moved to Hogsmeade. It’s quiet and out of the way and not in London. That last bit being the most important piece. Regulus wouldn’t have wanted them to be near where Sirius and Remus would ultimately live because the potential run ins would be too much to deal with.
At this realization, he hits the ground running. The problem is that running with tears in his eyes, after having nothing to eat for hours, and overall being emotionally distraught, is quite difficult. Sirius stumbles every few steps, but he doesn’t stop. Not once. He can’t stop, won’t stop until he is with James again.
Luckily the path down into Hogsmeade is one he knows well. It would be even easier if he bothered to morph into Padfoot but he doesn’t. It should be Sirius that shows up on his front step, not Padfoot. He keeps running until the trees of the forest fade behind him and the cottages of the village come into view. They’re barely in view, but that is mostly because Sirius can’t see between his tears.
His breaths are heavy and labored. Partially attributed to the running, but more so to the sobs that he lets out almost continuously. His sadness over Regulus hasn’t dissipated at all, he doesn’t expect it ever to, but he just keeps running. It’s not his choice to be crying, it’s involuntary. How could he not cry over his brother? Especially only hours after he found out.
When he comes up on the first row of houses, he pauses to catch his breath. It shouldn’t be too hard to find the right house now and he should be a little more put together and at least able to take a breath before walking up to talk to James. It’s the best he can do right now. Quite honestly James will likely be able to appreciate that at the very least. He may have been awful earlier, but at least he’s coming back to make things right.
That will have to count for something.
Most of the houses have something defining to them. The first of the row has a bright pink door, custom to the owner for sure. Sirius loves it, smiling at how bright and welcoming it seems even in dark times. But he knows it doesn’t belong to James. The next two seem to be home to children seeing as there are toys scattered around the yards. A few more down, after multiple that just don’t feel right to Sirius, he thinks it could be it. Until he sees a light flicker on in one of the rooms upstairs highlighting the silhouette of a woman.
He’s almost ready to give up. There’s a chance that they never moved to Hogsmeade at all. They very well could have stayed in or around London. Or even gone out towards the country by where James grew up. There’s a slew of possibilities that should overwhelm Sirius. It doesn’t though. Something in his heart tells him this is where they moved. This is where James is.
At least it’s where he should be.
Sirius doesn’t slow as he runs down the street and then turns to another road. He has to find James. If he concentrates enough he can almost smell the familiar magic of him. Maybe if he turned to Padfoot he could really sniff him out. Or even then smell the lingering scent of his brother who must have been here only a day ago.
He doesn’t have to though. Once he’s on the third street he’s run down, the quietest of them all he knows it is the right one. There is one house at the end of the road that is entirely unassuming. It blends in and looks to be cozy. Exactly the type of place he would expect James to live in. Not necessarily his brother, but maybe he doesn’t know him as well as he thought. After all, none of what’s happened has been something he wanted.
Everything that Regulus did was to please their parents. He never got the chance to be himself, at least not out in the open. Not in the way Sirius did. He realizes this now. By running away, he sealed his baby brother’s fate. His destiny was signed and sealed to be the heir from that day on. Before that their parents already knew that Sirius wouldn’t be the heir, he wouldn’t follow the orders they laid out, but it wasn’t official. Regulus did everything that was expected of him because of Sirius, for Sirius.
Just like Sirius would take the fall when they were children to protect him, Regulus took on the burden so that Sirius could be free and happy.
As he approaches the house, no longer sprinting like before, he tries to catch his breath. It’s not even confirmed that this is their house, but only for a moment longer. He is only a few paces from the door when he sees a curtain move in a window. This is the right house. He’d know that look anywhere.
The curtain shuts quickly and roughly, but no one comes to greet him at the door. Sirius figured as much. As soon as he saw Kreacher in the window it confirmed that this is the right house and also that he is not necessarily welcome here. Not by orders of his mother like if he were to show up at Grimmauld Place (which he would never do anyway), but simply because of the elf’s hatred of him. The feeling is mutual.
If he had ever shown up here before, Regulus would have welcomed him in, he thinks. James would probably have hidden away. Unsure of how to interact. Sirius wouldn’t blame him. He still doesn’t even know how to talk to him. And yet they were once best friends. The way things change is astounding, but there has to be a way to change things back. He will do whatever he can to make things right now. Now that he knows the mistakes he made.
To his surprise the door isn’t locked. The handle turns with ease and allows Sirius to slip inside. It’s weird that they would have such an accessible home. For months now Sirius, along with everyone else in the Order, have had multiple wards up around their homes as precaution. Maybe it’s just different on the other side of the war. Surely they would want to still be protected, right? Or it’s possible that the wards were only linked to Regulus and now they have come down when his magic fizzled out. It wouldn’t be smart to not have it linked to James as well, but based on the letters he may not have had the strength to help place the wards.
“James?” He calls as he crosses the threshold.
No one answers.
“Come on, James. I’m here to actually talk this time. I was awful earlier, please?” He tries again.
It feels weird to be walking through the house. There are bits and pieces that he recognizes as decorating touches from both James and Regulus, but barely anything personal. In another life James’ house would be filled with Gryffindor memorabilia and photos of them throughout their years at Hogwarts. He would live in a house that you couldn’t walk into and not know that it belonged to James Potter. Even if that house was shared with Regulus, it would be cluttered with so many trinkets and general mess.
But that is a happier life, not this one. In this life, the house is tidy because James apparently never has the energy for anything. There are no photos on the walls because ties were cut. There are no signs of parties or even signs of life. In that happier life the house is a home, this one isn’t.
There’s even another life out there where James and Sirius live together, maybe even with all of their friends too. They would barely get any sleep due to talking at all hours. It would be like living together at Hogwarts in the dorm, but better. Sirius will never get to experience that life. Not even now that he is here to make things right.
It will never happen, but not for the reasons Sirius is thinking. He knows that everything from the last two years has taken a toll on James. Not even counting that, he lost the love of his life. At least from what he knows, he thinks that James and Regulus loved each other that much. Even if he couldn’t see it or accept it while it was happening, he knows now that it was real. Just that one simple fact of Regulus not being here anymore is enough for Sirius to know that James will never have a happy life after this. At least not fully.
But that isn’t why he and James will never get to have a future life filled with as much happiness as possible. Sirius just doesn’t know the real reason yet.
He hadn’t realized how lost in thought he was looking around the house until Kreacher appears from around a corner. “Masters would not want you here. You are filth.”
“Yeah, I missed you too, Kreacher. Where is James?” He laughs it off, feeling oddly nostalgic talking to the elf.
“Master James is not here. He left this morning after Kreacher told him about…”
House elves aren’t known to be overly emotional. In fact they are pretty composed most of the time, it’s how they are always able to help out the families they work for. They are fiercely loyal to those families, which is why Kreacher absolutely despises Sirius. He has always assumed it was by order of his mother that the elf treat him this way. It never quite mattered to him, but Regulus always cared.
Regulus genuinely liked Kreacher and treated him better than anyone else in the family. For a while he would even try to get Kreacher to be nicer to Sirius, though it was hardly worth the trouble. It wasn’t a coincidence that Regulus was also the elf’s favourite. Which is why it comes as no surprise that Kreacher is holding back tears in front of him now. It’s the most emotion, other than anger or disgust, that he has ever seen from him.
“I miss him too, you know.” Sirius softens and realizes that the tears never quite stopped. His cheeks are still damp. “Thank you for watching out for him all this time, yeah?”
“It was Kreacher’s job.” The elf drops his head and walks out of the room.
He doesn’t try to yell at Sirius again or tell him to leave. Though he also doesn’t provide any more information either. This is the simplest interaction they have ever had. The thing is, Sirius genuinely means the thanks he said. The one thing, probably the only thing, the two of them have in common is their love for Regulus. Well, not the only thing. Now they also share the grief that comes with losing him.
All Kreacher shared about where James is, is that he isn’t here. He must not have come back here after leaving Sirius’ which, in all honesty, makes sense. James never said he was coming back here, and why would he go to a place that will only remind him of Regulus? Or maybe he went somewhere that reminds him of happier times with Regulus instead of bad times.
All he can do right now is speculate because he wasn’t there for anything. He knows what is in the letters, but that’s it. There is so much more for him to know and so much that he never will. What he does know is that right now, James is somewhere out there wandering around filled with grief over losing Regulus and hurt caused by Sirius and knowing him, which he isn’t sure he’s justified in saying anymore, he needs comfort.
He has to come back at some point. It’s dark and getting quite late. If Sirius just stays here, then soon he will see James walk through the door. That’s the best he can do. Just wait and wait and wait. It’s been so long since they actually had each other, what would it hurt to wait just a bit longer?
The problem with how late it is, is that Sirius is tired. He isn’t always someone who goes to bed early, in fact he usually is not. Remus doesn’t fall asleep early either, so it all usually works out. Tonight though, he can barely keep his eyes open. There is nothing to keep his focus other than replaying parts of the letters he didn’t realize he memorized over in his brain. In doing so, he slowly lulls himself into a haze that isn’t too far from sleep. He wants to fight it so that he can be sure he is awake when James comes back. But he can’t and sleep takes him.
Sirius thinks he’s made it past the worst parts, at least for now. Tomorrow and every day for the rest of his life he will have to live without his little brother, but that’s for him to deal with later. Now he just wants to breathe as the waves of pain appear to be passing.
What he doesn’t know is that the fourth wave is not the last. This is not the turning point of when it gets easier. If anything, the fifth wave is the most painful. He just doesn’t know it yet. Maybe he should have known or at least suspected. Except he didn’t.
So Sirius is left to look back on not only everything that has happened, but also his own naivety in the aftermath of it all with regret.
That’s the fifth wave.
5. Regretting
This may have seemed like the most logical outcome, right? After all that has happened surely there are things that Sirius regrets. He isn’t exactly sure what those parts are yet, but in time he will. In time he will learn that his list of regrets is much longer and much more different than he ever thought it would be. The thing is, he didn’t expect it to get worse. Everything was already so painful, he already felt awful for so many things. Sirius truly was not anticipating this fifth wave of pain or all of the regret he will now feel all of the time.
Well not yet, but soon.
It’s when his eyes close that things go quiet. Not just the world around him, but his mind goes quiet too. Which is weird for Sirius who is used to having thoughts race by at all times. To him it feels like someone else took hold of his mind for the time being.
Not long into his sleep, he finds himself waking up, or more so becoming aware of his surroundings. Sirius hasn’t been here in a long time. It’s where everything started. The first place he ever saw James Potter, the Hogwarts Express. Even through all of the happy memories over the years, he genuinely can’t think of a moment happier than when he got on this train at eleven years old and made the most wonderful friends in the world. Sirius still thinks that today, no matter what has happened between him and James or what will happen when they talk again.
Sitting across from him in the compartment is James. He wasn’t there a second ago, but now he is. This is a dream right? Honestly Sirius doesn’t know for sure, maybe everything else that has happened was the bad dream and this is reality. He could really truly be on the train as an eleven year old right now. He wouldn’t complain. If that were the case he could relive everything and change the things he now regrets and come out with an even better life than the one he just lived.
“James?” He smiles more than he knew he could.
The boy with the glasses looks up at him. Sirius can’t quite tell what the emotion across his face is. Which is weird, he’s always been able to tell what James is thinking or feeling. At least he used to. That ability might have faded away with their friendship. His eyes are bright, just as they always are, but there is pain and sadness hidden behind them. James has his lips pressed into a thin line as if he’s thinking carefully before saying anything.
That doesn’t last for long, quickly being replaced by his typical smile. “Hi Padfoot. Alright?”
“I’m alright. Is this going to Hogwarts or to London?” Even if it’s a dream, he’d still like to know. Not to mention he has no idea what to say to James right now.
“Mmmm neither.”
It’s obvious that this is a dream. His mind is helping him to pass the time until James comes back. Part of him hopes that it is a magical dream and he can just nudge James to come back to his house to speed things up. Though it would be a bit weird to have one of those after the conversation they had earlier. His mind might just be making things up, pulling James into it because Sirius is sitting, well laying, in his house. Either way, he doesn’t have to pretend he doesn’t know this is a dream.
“Are you coming home soon? I need to talk to you. I want to say something to you but it has to be real.” It comes out more like a plea than he intended.
“How is your motorbike? You’ve been working on it right?” James deflects.
He sighs. “I don’t want to talk about that. Can’t we just have a real conversation? I know I pushed you away earlier but I’m ready now. It doesn’t have to be about you and Regulus, or anything of the last year, but can we at least talk like we aren’t strangers?”
The thoughts in his mind quickly tangle themselves in contradictions. Sirius wants to talk to James, but not about meaningless things, but he doesn't want to talk about the big things during a dream. So perhaps talking about his motorbike is the best option. Even Sirius doesn’t know what he wants. Don’t blame him, it’s been a rough 24 hours.
James looks at him in confusion, so he just decides to keep trying. “I fucked up earlier. I was upset and hurt and just truly awful to you. Can you please come home so we can talk?”
“Do you remember the first time you mentioned getting one? It was at a quidditch match in fourth year. You had seen a motorbike when you came home for the holidays with me and then thought, what if it could fly like the brooms do? It’s a crazy thought. Have you gotten it to work?” James keeps rambling.
He’s missed this version of James. For that reason and that reason only, Sirius continues entertaining this not real conversation just for the hell of it.
“I miss you, Padfoot.” Now that Sirius wants him to ramble, he suddenly starts to get quieter.
“James?” Sirius’ voice cracks. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. Not this time.”
“You were right.”
It doesn’t make sense. This is just a dream, why is James acting like this? He was practically bouncing off the walls not long ago and now he gets quieter and quieter by the second. Something feels wrong, very wrong, but Sirius can’t quite place it.
“Come on James… I wasn’t right. Fuck, I regret so much that has happened. Especially with how things were with us. Just come back and we can fix things, yeah?” He reaches across and clasps their hands together. James feels cold.
Speaking his regret out loud, even in a dream, makes it all come rushing in. All of the sharp words he never truly meant. All of the things he wishes he could go back and change. The memories draw their swords and prod at Sirius all at once.
This was never how things were supposed to be and he is the reason for it. If he had taken a moment to think before acting when he was younger, none of them would be here now. That’s one of the biggest regrets. Sirius regrets not doing more to help his brother. He regrets pushing James away. He regrets not trying harder to get him back. He regrets holding so many grudges. Those haven’t done him any good now.
Right now, the main regret filling his mind is that he let James become a stranger to him.
James has become a stranger than Sirius still perfectly recognizes but can’t have back. The only reason for that is him. If he hadn’t been so stupid, things wouldn’t be this way. He used to feel ashamed of James and Regulus, now he hates himself for that.
“I’m sorry, James. I’m so fucking sorry.” He cries out as the tears resume rolling down his cheeks.
When he looks up he has to wipe the tears away to see clearly. The sight confuses him. James looks like he can’t quite see right now, like he doesn’t have his glasses on, but he does. He is in a bit of a haze, at least that’s how it looks. This could be what it’s like when he gets the way Regulus described. Though there’s no explanation for why he would be like this in Sirius’ dream.
“It’s okay. It’s okay…” James blinks and some life comes back to his eyes.
It isn’t okay and Sirius knows that. He is going to have a lot to make up for. That list is just as long as the list of his regrets. Probably because they are the same. Every single thing he regrets, he needs to make up for. Sirius needs to make things right after this with James. Especially since he can’t make things right with Regulus. That’s something he will always regret and have to carry with him.
“I’ll make it better.” Sirius promises what he doesn’t know is an empty promise yet. “What are you looking at?”
The first time he turns over his shoulder, following James’ gaze, there is nothing there. When he turns back, the train fades from around him.
“Will I see you when I wake up?”
“I love you, Sirius.” Their eyes don’t meet again.
James’ eyes have been trained on the same spot behind him in the distance for some time now, but nothing was there. At first he was convinced there was something there, then he thought he was just zoning out, but not he really isn’t sure. The dreamscape has entirely disappeared, and yet Sirius is still here. He almost wants to pinch himself awake, but there must be a reason he is still here.
The second time he turns around everything clicks.
Off in the distance, in the void, stands his little brother. Just the same as he saw him in the dream last night. Except this time he is smiling softly and reaching his hand out. Sirius wants to run and grab hold. To somehow pull Regulus back to life through the dream. It would never work, but Sirius is convinced he could just by sheer will and love for his brother.
It all happens so quickly. He sees Regulus and when he turns back, James has already stood and started making his way off in the distance. The two meet again in each other’s outstretched arms and Sirius is left on his own. They reunite and Sirius knows what it means. He wants to be holding them, one or both, but he’s left with neither. Because of the choices he made and now regrets.
In the end everything fades back to reality. All Sirius is left with is the neverending flow of tears and a long list of regrets.