i regret you all the time

He doesn’t hear from James the rest of the summer. Which is fine, they had planned on not seeing each other or talking for those months anyway. Except they did, and now James has that stupid mark on his arm, and Regulus is worried. Okay? He’s really fucking worried about James. 

After that night, he went back to his home, to his parents, and to Sirius. That’s what worries him most of all. Regulus knows that things would end terribly if Sirius ever found out what happened, it would probably be even worse than the last time the brothers talked to each other. It shouldn’t be, not really, because it’s just a mark that someone Sirius used to love and trust now has. But it would be different for James. Sirius always expected this of Regulus, and he just proved him right. He never suspected it would happen to James. 

If he was better, Regulus might have stopped James from making the choice. He should have. Down the line, he knows that James will come to regret it, come to regret him. But Regulus is selfish and alone and he didn’t have the strength to fight him on it. So he let it happen, and he’s going to do everything he can to protect James through it all. Even if it’s the last thing he does, he will make sure James makes it out the other side. 

Now he’s standing on the platform waiting to get on the train and he feels a bit lost. He doesn’t know how James will be when he gets here or where they go from here. They said they would see each other on the train, which they usually don’t. Regulus isn’t sure how this year is going to go, will he and James get to see each other outside of the astronomy tower and their secret room? He hopes so. It’s less risky for him now, his mother won’t have any reason to scold him for hanging out with the wrong sort of people. James is a death eater, after all. 

His pondering quickly comes to an end when someone bumps his shoulder. “James, hi.”

“Is this alright?” 

He’s quiet, much quieter than he ever has been. The sunshine that usually follows James wherever he goes is hidden by a cloud. James has always been so sure of himself and has walked with such confidence, but that was the old James. He hopes he can still find glimpses of him even now. Regulus will do whatever he can to make sure that the old James never fully goes away. He just has to learn a new kind of confidence, a new way of holding himself. He’s not the golden boy of Gryffindor with Sirius Black always at his side anymore. Now he’s just James, but he has Regulus to stand with and lean on. It will just have to be enough. Though being enough has never been Regulus Black’s strong suit. 

“Yeah, it’s alright. Are you not sitting in your usual compartment on the train?” He wants to ask so much more, but settles on this, because it’s safe. 

“Not sure I’d be welcome.” James replies, still subdued, his eyes barely open. 

If Regulus does nothing else this year, he will bring a smile back to James’ face. That’s all he cares about. He’s the reason it’s gone away, he has to be the one to bring it back. 

They walk side by side onto the train, ignoring all of the stares they are undoubtedly on the receiving end of. If people want to watch, let them. No one knows anything about them, it’s not theirs to know. Regulus desperately wants to grab hold of James’ hand to let him know he’s here, that he’s got him. But he doesn’t. Not even when their pinkies brush against each other. This isn’t the time or place to make their relationship public. It’s enough that they’re being seen as friends, anything more would send the world to chaos. The first small, empty compartment they pass by, Regulus urges him into. He pulls the door shut, and places a few spells on it to avoid prying eyes. It’s the best he can do for now. 

“Do you want to talk?”

“No, it’s alright. I’m alright.” He knows a lie when he sees one, but he won’t call James out on it. 

Instead he shifts to lean his head on his shoulder. Things feel normal as James wraps his arm around him and they fall right into place. At least they still have this. At least this hasn’t changed. It’s just nice to be back together. Regulus has no idea what things will be like when they’re actually at school, but here on the train, they have each other. 

He really wants to know what happened over the rest of the summer and why James feels like a shell of himself right now, though he already knows at least part of the answer. He could ask, but he doesn’t want to ruin the moment or make him upset. Regulus instead holds onto the arm that is wrapped around him, lightening his grip when he realizes it’s James’ left arm. All too well, he knows that it can be sensitive and now really isn’t the moment to bring attention to it. 

In all honesty, he has no idea how James has been dealing with the mark that is now embedded in his skin. There weren’t any meetings for the rest of the summer that either of them would have been called to. They’re too young and too new to be of any use to the death eaters. Now though, they are just biding their time. James is starting his final year of Hogwarts and come June, he won’t have that excuse anymore. As far as Regulus knows, they are the only students with the mark. 

Aside from him, no one is allowed to get it until they’re of age. An exception was made for him by recommendation of his oh so lovely cousin, and even lovelier parents. It was their way of making sure he couldn’t run anywhere. The worst part is that they were right, it worked. Once he was marked, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to go anywhere or to anyone for help. No one would trust him or his true intentions anymore. No matter how little he believes in what the Dark Lord is doing. Sirius proved that point for them. 

On top of no one getting the mark before 17, most don’t until they leave Hogwarts. It’s much too difficult to be marked at the school. It takes a lot of hiding and extensive charms to keep it a secret. Last year, Sirius was the only one to find him out that he didn’t purposefully tell. His dorm mates know and plan to join after school ends. Why, he has no idea. There isn’t anything dignified about having the dark mark and the cause is not worth the trouble. 

If he had a real choice, he would have chosen to move far away from the wizarding world and the war. That’s how he could have had it all. In an alternate world, that’s what Regulus does. He wouldn’t have fallen victim to his family’s malicious coercion. He would have avoided getting the mark altogether and just have been disowned like his brother. In that other life, he would still have a relationship with Sirius, they would become friends again like they were as children. He would live a long life, much longer than the one he is sure he will live now. 

The entire train ride, James doesn’t say a word. It’s how Regulus gets lost in a daydream about that better life. His mind comes up with many different lives that he and James could live. Some together, some not. Though all of them are better than this one. Simply because in all of them, neither of their arms are marked. 

At one point, once he sees that they are getting close, Regulus turns to say something to James. He doesn’t even have any words coming to his mind, he just wants to talk. James however, is fast asleep. He was never someone who got tired, at least never around him. Even on nights that they were up for hours talking, James had just as much energy as he would during the day. He likely got only a few hours of sleep each night all of last year. Regulus wonders if he got to sleep more over the summer, but his current state of exhaustion makes it seem like he was awake for the entire six weeks since he last saw him. 

Was the last time he slept when he was with Regulus? He hopes not. 

“James?” He says softly, not wanting to startle him. 

His eyes flick open, looking scared for a moment, and he blinks away the tired. “Did I fall asleep?” 

With the arm that isn’t wrapped around Regulus, he rubs at his eyes, causing his glasses to go askew. It’s quite adorable. Regulus just wants to eat him.

“For a bit. I almost dozed off in your arms too.” He wasn’t that close to falling asleep, though James’ arms are the most comfortable place in the world. The closest to sleep he has been the entire train ride is just getting lost in his thoughts and daydreams. 

“Oh, we’re almost there…” James glances at the window and his face drops slightly. 

“Won’t be long now. Are you going to be alright once we arrive? We can meet back after the feast.”

He knows that things are weird. It’s blatantly obvious. Regulus isn’t sure if James is speaking to anyone at the moment, definitely not Sirius. The thing is, he still shares a dorm with them. They still have nearly all of their classes together. He can’t just avoid them for the entire year. It’s not like he can hole up in the dungeons with Regulus all year and avoid Gryffindor altogether. He’s the bloody quidditch captain. Not to mention that if his friends don’t already know about the mark, they would suspect it even more if he was never around. 

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.” He presses a kiss to Regulus’ temple. 

He’s going to worry about him, he’s probably right to. But for him, he’ll pretend he isn’t until there’s something obvious to worry about. 

That’s the thing, there already is a reason to worry and it’s the rich black ink staining his arm. 

“If you say so.” 

This time he fully turns to face his boyfriend and snakes one hand to the nape of his neck, pulling him down into a kiss. His lips are still soft and warm, he still feels like James. That’s all that matters. As long as he doesn’t lose any more of himself, then Regulus can live with it. 

During the feast Regulus keeps an eye on him. He doesn’t return the look the entire time. James’ head remains down and focused on his plate, of which he takes no more than two bites from. As usual, the Gryffindor table is loud and rowdy all around him, but he shrinks into himself trying to hide. It kills him to watch, he should be able to still enjoy himself around all of them. Regulus knows that he left off on awful terms with Sirius, that likely didn’t change at all over the summer, but everyone else should still want him around. They couldn’t possibly all pick Sirius over him. Though it seems like James is sitting back and letting that happen. 

They meet in their room that night and James feels a little more like his usual self. He doesn’t stay quiet and he teases Regulus like he used to. A smile creeps onto his face more than once and just the mere sight of that makes Regulus’ heart swell. All summer he longed to see that smile, the curve of his lips, the slight blush that graces his cheeks every once in a while, just all of it. Grimmauld Place is anything but bright, it’s the opposite of James Potter. If he were the sun, then the Black house is a dark storm cloud that covers even the brightest of suns. Regulus has been in desperate need of a shining warm light.

“You cut your hair.” James frowns at him as his fingers wade in his hair. 

“Mother did it as she always does before term. Do you not like it?”

He leans back and ponders for a moment. 

“Mmmm you still look gorgeous, but I do prefer it longer. I like when there’s something to tangle when I play with your hair.”

“Oh is my hair just here for your amusement?”

He’s missed this banter. It’s so easy to forget everything that is happening around them when they’re like this. He would spend forever just sitting here with him bickering about the length of his hair if they could. Nothing else matters right now. 

“Yes, I think so. What else would it be for?”

“Good point. It will grow back soon.” He concedes with a smile.

“I look forward to it. Then you can just sit here and look pretty for me to admire you whenever I like.”

“You already do that, love.”

It’s true. He’s lost count how many times they’ve been mid conversation and he can see James’ mind wander. Many times it’s hard to tell where he goes. It’s already happened a few times tonight even though they have only been sitting together for two hours. Sometimes he can dig into his brain and figure out what’s going on. The times when James is biting on his lip and his eyes get a bit hazy, are when Regulus knows he’s being ogled. 

There’s times when he can’t figure it out. Times when James looks lost, like there is no life behind his eyes. Those are the times that he gets worried. 

James doesn’t get lost like that often, at least he didn’t before. Now though, it’s more frequent and Regulus simply doesn’t know how to bring him back from it. Or how to stop it from happening altogether. What’s weird is that he can even sometimes see as it starts to happen. It took a few times to pick up on it, the way his eyes cross ever so slightly and the corners of his mouth drop and his lips part slightly. The face he makes would be cute to Regulus, if only he didn’t know what it means. 

Tonight though, Regulus is able to catch it. As their laughing dies down, he sees reality wash over him. His hand moves to rest on his own forearm and all of the signs are there. It’s getting close to when they normally head back to their dorms, which means James has to see his friends soon. Can he even keep calling them his friends? Regulus isn’t sure, but he doesn’t know what else they would be, and he doesn’t want James to not have his friends anymore. Before James can fully slip away, Regulus grabs his hand in his and squeezes it until James squeezes back. It takes a minute, but he looks up, meeting his eyes again, and blinks rapidly. 

This isn’t something he wants to get used to, but he thinks he might have to. 

“There you are. James, talk to me.” 

“I’m okay, Reg. I promise. I’ll tell you if I’m not.” 

Regulus doesn’t believe him, he knows that he will keep everything to himself. He hadn’t told him for months about what Sirius did and said to him. It’s not that Regulus doesn’t trust him, that’s the one thing he knows for certain. It’s that he knows James doesn’t want to burden him. After months together he finally learned that. James would continue to put Regulus before himself and his own feelings. Now that they’re in this together, he doesn’t want that to be the case any more. He won’t push James to talk, but he will always try to be there for him as much as he can. It can all get very lonely, this Regulus knows too well, but he doesn’t want James to feel that. He never wants him to feel alone. 

“I love you. See you tomorrow?”

James pulls him close and holds him tight for just a second longer, then lets him go so they can both get up. “Tomorrow. I love you.”

✦✦✦

It’s not until October that Regulus even sees his brother again. Even in the past when they hadn’t been speaking, he would still see him around the castle. Or in the Great Hall at the very least. That isn’t the case now, and he doesn’t know how to feel about it. Regulus has been looking, as much as he hates to admit it. He misses his brother and wants to see him. Of course Sirius doesn’t consider them brothers anymore, so obviously he doesn’t want to even lay his eyes on Regulus. 

Except the words he said last year, don’t mean anything. 

They can’t. 

That night James assured him that he and Sirius would always be brothers. And that is what he chooses to keep in his mind. There hasn’t been a day in his life where he existed without being a brother. It’s part of him, it’s in his blood and bones and soul. Being a brother is part of Regulus’ identity and not even Sirius can take that from him. Every fiber of his being is laced with the reminder that he and Sirius are brothers. Even if one day Sirius dies before him, they will still be brothers. In life, in death, and everything in between. 

There was a time, a short 14 months, when Sirius existed without a brother and without being a brother. But that changed the moment Regulus came into this world. Maybe that’s something that he doesn’t fully understand as the older sibling, the one who knew a time without a brother, but that shouldn’t make a difference. He is still a brother to his core. No amount of time or space can change that. They are two sides of the same coin, they are a joint unit. It’s something others can’t understand. Two brothers, however different, are each other’s mirror. They understand each other more than anyone else ever could, if they only let themselves. 

Having a brother is not intentional, no one chooses it, but it is still the most intentional thing anyone can be. Regulus can feel at the center of himself, that before being anything else, he is a brother. To understand his brother is to look in on himself. They are made from the same blood, they are as much a part of each other as they are themselves. It’s just how things are. One brother could kill the other, and they would still be just as much brothers as they were before. There isn’t anything that can change that bond. 

Brothers are brothers. Simple as that.

There isn’t an easy way to approach him, not after everything that has happened, but he can’t help himself. He has held out hope that one day Sirius would come to him first, that he would apologize for the cruelty in what he said, that he would admit he wants Regulus back in his life. That, of course, hasn’t happened. Regulus didn’t intend to be the one to cross that chasm between them. He didn’t think there would even be a bridge there for him to stand on. But then again, they used to be inseparable, they used to be each other’s life line. Somewhere inside him is still that little lost kid who needed his big brother, and even if he won’t admit it out loud, he knows that he needs him even now. 

Knowing all that he does about himself and how he feels about Sirius, he thinks there’s a chance it’s reciprocated. There’s just a small sliver of a possibility that his big brother is waiting for him, feeling just as lost without Regulus. It’s how he works up the courage to walk over to him and try. There has to be a way to do it. 

If anyone had asked him what he planned to do today, this would not have come to mind. Regulus never thought he would be the one to put in the effort. Looking back he never had. Not as much as he should have, not as much as Sirius did with him. Perhaps being a brother was just so ingrained in him, that he didn’t think to put forth any effort. It’s how they ended up falling out even once Regulus started at Hogwarts. His own pride would never let him run to Sirius. It’s yet another reason he never found a way to escape their parents. Running would make him weak, and if there’s one thing Regulus is not, at least not outwardly, is weak. 

Him reaching out first is the strong thing to do now, he thinks. It shows that he cares, no matter how Sirius feels. He isn’t asking for help, he isn’t asking for Sirius to save him in any way, he just wants to know if he cares anymore. Part of it is for James as well. As much as he hates to admit it, James belonged to Sirius first. Not that he belongs to either of them, but Sirius found him and attached himself to him long before Regulus ever could. 

And James without Sirius is not the same James that Regulus fell in love with. 

It hurts to admit, even in his head, but it’s true. Not that he doesn’t love every version of James, he does. There’s just a certain shine and spark that they bring out in each other. That could be what’s missing with James now. If it is, and Regulus is able to find a way to fix it, whether he gets his brother back or not, then it would be worth it. He hopes to every god out there that getting Sirius back is the solution. He doesn't want the mark to be the true problem, because there’s nothing he can do to fix that for James. 

When he opens his mouth to call to Sirius, no sound comes out. Nothing is said. The words just don’t come. He wants to talk to him, he really does, but he isn’t sure if he can. Sirius might not even want to see him, let alone have a conversation, but he has to try. He stands in the corridor with his mouth hanging open until he can manage to say anything.

“Hey,” he calls out. It’s quiet and barely makes it across the hall to where Sirius stands, but he says it. 

Regulus couldn’t manage his name, the taste of it on his tongue was too bitter. In the end it doesn’t matter that he only said ‘hey’ because Sirius heard it. He heard it and immediately turned around. His brother is calling out for him, it’s his instinct to answer. The sound of Regulus’ voice was enough to catch his attention. He hopes to meet his gaze, but instantly regrets it. His eyes are like daggers. The comfort of his big brother he used to know is nowhere to be found now. 

“What do you want?” Sirius back tracks, stepping away from Remus and towards him. 

“I just want to talk. If you will.”

“I have nothing to say to you.” He bites back, yet here he is talking. 

Regulus could have seen this coming, he should have seen it coming. Even so, he didn’t want this to happen. All he wants is to talk to his brother and for him to tell him that everything will be okay. Just like he did when they were children. Maybe it was a lie then, that things would be okay. And well, that’s the thing. Even if he were to say it now, and it be a complete lie, he would still be saying it. That would be enough for Regulus. 

“Please?” He no longer cares about seeming weak. 

Without uttering a word, Sirius pulls him into an alcove that is out of sight. Regulus notices the way he intentionally grabbed his right arm instead of his left. It’s weird that he knows, and even weirder that he’s being considerate about it. At least that’s what he thinks is happening. Quickly, he places a silencing charm around them and some charm to make it so no one can see them. Of course. He doesn’t want them to be seen together, Regulus could have expected that much. To be fair, he didn’t even know if he would make it this far and is scrambling to figure out what he wants to say. 

His older brother just stares at him. Waiting. Waiting for him to say something. Waiting for his own mouth to open. Just… waiting. 

“I miss you Sirius.” He forces the words out, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel them with every fiber of his being.

“Is that all?” 

Maybe Regulus is making things up, maybe he’s hearing things, or maybe it’s actually there. But he thinks he can hear Sirius’ voice waver, like he wants to say more, like he had to spit those words out to avoid slipping and saying he misses Regulus too. They’re brothers. When they aren’t together they’re meant to miss each other. That’s just how it is, even if it goes unspoken. Regulus does, so Sirius must too. 

“I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want… this,” Regulus nearly motions to his arm, but stops himself. “To ruin us. We can stop it from ruining us.”

Across from him, Sirius leans slightly against the wall, but still holding his posture. He doesn’t look weak. He looks strong and confident, two things that Regulus has never been. He can see as Sirius’ chest rises and falls as he takes a deep breath, his eyes closing for a moment longer than a blink. When he looks back at his little brother, his eyes are tired. They aren’t cold like previous times, they’re just simply tired. The dark circles under his eyes seem more prominent than before.

“It already did.” 

The words are filled with regret. Sirius doesn’t want them to be true, but they just might be. He pushes away from the wall and goes to leave their little corner, but Regulus isn’t ready for this to be the end. He’s not ready to let go. 

“Don’t go, please.” And by some miracle, Sirius stays put. 

When they were kids there was nothing that could come between them. They would tell each other everything, and there has never been anything that they didn’t instinctively understand. When they would play they would run hand in hand around the yard. Sirius would drag him up the stairs when they heard mother coming to scold them. Regulus never had to do anything alone in his entire life. He always had Sirius, and Sirius made sure he knew that he always had him. 

He never thought the day would come that his brother would turn into a liar. 

“I don’t know what you expect from this. I’m tired, Reggie.” The nickname slips out, they both know it wasn’t on purpose. Regulus’ eyes go wide with a mixture of hope and fear. “You- No I just… I can’t do this.” 

“If not for me, then for James. How about that? Can’t you just try for him?” 

Sirius doesn’t answer. 

“So this is it? You don’t want anything to do with me anymore? Or James? You’re just… what? You’re done?”

He goes to say something, at least it looks that way, but his mouth shuts quickly. Nothing is said between them. There’s far too much left to talk about that there’s no point in talking at all. Regulus didn’t plan to talk to Sirius today, he didn’t plan for it to go like this, he really didn’t plan on any of it. Especially not him being the first to turn to walk away. If Sirius has nothing left to say to him, then what is he waiting for? He should just go. 

Regulus makes it halfway past the charm that is up when he feels a hand on his right arm. Not his left, specifically his right. Once again intentional. He wants to turn back, but he shouldn’t. His big brother just confirmed what he said last year, he’s done, they aren’t brothers anymore. Except, he will always be his brother. Always. 

So he turns back and waits for Sirius to either let go of his arm or to say something. 

“I just need to ask you one thing.” He doesn’t meet his eye, and that’s what makes Regulus nervous for the question. 

“Anything.” He offers, trying to show how much he wants his brother back without saying those words. 

“Does he- Does James have the mark?” 

He doesn’t want to answer. He can’t answer. The thought makes him sick to his stomach. Yes, he could say, but what good would that do anyone? No, he could lie, but that would only make it worse if Sirius ever found out the truth. 

In the end he doesn’t have to say anything. Sirius’ hand goes slack against his arm and he can freely walk away. Regulus doesn’t have to answer, because his brother already knows. His eyes give it away, he can see the recognition there. Distantly, he wonders how long Sirius has known for, but he’ll never ask. All he knows is that he does know, and this definitely confirmed it. 

Regulus walks away and fights the urge to look back. If Sirius hadn’t let go of him, maybe he could have stayed and continued talking. Even if they fought, even if their words were vicious and cruel, he would have stayed. Even if they tore each other limb from limb until there was nothing left, because then they would still be brothers. He would have done anything to hold onto his brother for just a few more seconds. In that alcove, they were brothers for a few final moments. In a way, they will always be brothers, but not in the way that they used to be, not in the way that he so desperately wishes they were. 

He can feel the world crumbling around him again as he walks down the hall. Walking away, he doesn’t know if they will ever talk again. Those may have been the last words the brothers ever say to each other. At least Regulus won’t regret his last words. Anything, he had said. He means it even now, he’ll mean it years down the road, he would do anything for his big brother. Even if the feeling isn’t reciprocated, he would still do anything. It doesn’t matter though, does it? This is it for them. There is nothing left.

No pieces to the puzzle remain to be put back together. There is nowhere to reattach the line that used to tether them together. There’s nothing.

Though Regulus can’t get himself to ever fully give up. They’re brothers, no matter what. That means something to him. 

It always will. 

✦✦✦

Part of him expected this year to feel a lot different. Things changed so drastically that one night in July. It’s the first full school year that he has the mark. It’s the first school year where James is barely talking to anyone. It’s probably going to be his last school year. The thing is, it doesn’t feel different at all. Regulus is used  to the mark that brandishes his arm by now, he barely feels it anymore. Or he’s entirely tuned it out. His friends know about it, and plan to get matching ones after Hogwarts. That thought makes him sick, but he can’t risk saying that to anyone. 

It’s a weird balance walking the halls as a student and also a death eater. He’s not the only one, he has to remind himself. James, dark mark aside, is the most normal part of his day. They still only see each other in the room, but that’s by choice. Regulus no longer cares what anyone would have to say about them together. His mother already knows, and for the worst reason possible, approves. Now it’s James requesting that they stay in the shadows. So of course that’s what they do. He doesn’t mind, in fact it’s nice for them to still have their escape together each night.

The main difference is that James is there the moment classes are over for the day and stays until it’s so late that they need to go to bed. Unless he has quidditch, that’s the one thing that he still ventures out for. Regulus is glad he still has that, he hasn’t lost all of him. At least not yet. But on days without practice, James is always already in the room when he arrives and is never the one to suggest leaving. Something in the back of his mind thought to worry, thought to question it at first, but he never did. Now, months into term, he doesn’t bring it up. 

Today Regulus woke up, and didn’t want to get out of bed. November third. What used to be a string pulling him, urging him to be closer to his brother on this day every year, even the years in between then and now, is now nothing. This year instead it feels like a brick is weighing him down, shackles holding him back, not letting him get close to Sirius. He hates it. He wants nothing more than to see him, talk to him, even just wish him a happy birthday. 

But he can’t. 

However much he doesn’t want to get up, he has to. He knows that somewhere across the castle, James is waking up in the same room as Sirius and wishing he wasn’t. Regulus has to be there for him today. They have to be there for each other. At one point in each of their lives this was a day they loved to celebrate, simply because they love Sirius. Now though, they don’t get to celebrate. Sirius wouldn’t want them to. They don’t have a right to. 

So, Regulus rises from his bed, a bit later than usual and gets ready for the day. He tries to tell himself that it’s just like any other day. There’s nothing special about it. On his way to the Great Hall, he changes course and heads to the room because of a gut feeling. James wouldn’t be having breakfast around the Gryffindors today. Most days he can stand to be there for at least part of the meal, but not today. He knows him well enough to know this. 

The worst part is, Regulus knows that James isn’t avoiding Sirius for his own sake, he’s doing it because Sirius doesn’t want to see him. And he doesn’t want Sirius to have a bad birthday. After everything he shouldn’t care that much, but he always will. Even if he hates him, even if he never has him in his life again, James will always care about Sirius. It would be a nice thought that the feeling goes the other way too, that Sirius will always care about James, but Regulus can’t be sure about that one. He knows all about love that is masked by hate, hell he invented it, but what Sirius is doing seems far past that. Maybe it’s not, he hopes it’s not. 

Even if Sirius says he hates both of them for the rest of time, knowing it could be encaseing love within it, is enough to keep going. 

“James?”

In front of him, through the door to the room, James is passed out on the sofa. His eyes flutter open, a bit suddenly when his name is called out. He blinks away the sleep and tries to squint to make sure it’s Regulus standing in front of him. His hand pats around next to him for his glasses, and once he has them on, his face relaxes at the sight of Regulus. 

“Hi,” James smiles, only slightly. 

“Did you sleep here?” He hopes, oh how he hopes the answer is no. 

It takes a minute for him to answer, as if he is trying to come up with an explanation. He barely needs one, Regulus understands. He just wishes James had told him. They’re in this together, it’s the two of them from now on. James could come to him about this, he doesn’t have to hide anything. 

“Er- Yeah, I did.” He says sheepishly. 

“Please tell me it was the first time.” Regulus makes his way over to sit with James on the sofa where they fall easily into each other’s arms. 

“I can’t tell you that.” 

He doesn’t know what to say to that. Regulus wishes he had known, maybe he should have. He could have been there for James more. If he knew, he would have stayed here with him so many, if not all of those nights. Sure he has his own friends in his dorm, but he doesn’t need to be there at night. He doesn’t need to be there at all if James needs him. He digs into his memories of the past few weeks to try to find a sign that would have told him about this. About how James can’t even sleep in the same room as the people who used to be his closest friends. 

Aren’t they worried about him? Or have they simply stopped caring about what James does and where he is? Sirius knows, but there’s no knowing if he told any of the others. Something tells him that he hasn’t, and that he won’t, but that’s only wishful thinking. It would make sense for him to tell everyone else. He would think that in doing that he’s helping them, saving them. 

Saving them… from James. 

The thought makes his stomach turn. No one should ever need saving from James. He’s never going to be a danger to anyone. He doesn’t have it in him. James in a way saved Regulus, made sure he knew he was loved, made sure he knew he would never be alone. That isn’t someone who could cause harm. Even with the mark. He just simply wouldn’t have it in him. To his core, James is a good person. That doesn’t change. That will never change.

“What are you thinking about, love?” James says softly into his ear.

Too much. Sirius. The dark mark. James. “Nothing. Just want to make sure you’re okay. You could have told me you were sleeping here…”

“I didn’t want to worry you. It’s quite comfortable actually.”

“Where do they think you are?” Not knowing things, especially things regarding James, makes him uneasy, so he has to ask. 

James sighs. “They wouldn’t be able to find me if they tried. I doubt they have. Even in class Remus and Peter haven’t asked. They’re always with… Anyway, it doesn't matter.”

His friends have to be looking for him, they have to be worried. Right? Everything Regulus knows about them leads him to believe this. It just doesn’t make sense that they would let James slip away like this. He hasn’t really slipped away, Regulus is holding onto him as tight as he can to stop that from happening. It doesn’t go unnoticed that James skips over mentioning Sirius. He almost did, but stopped himself. Sirius will always be a hard topic between them. Just now the reason why has changed. 

Before, when Sirius knew nothing, things seemed so easy. For Regulus they were. Nothing was different for him. Except that being with James made him realize how much he missed his brother. When they would just ignore each other, as they had for the last few years, he could push it to the back of his mind. The memories rarely pushed their way to the front. Only if Sirius was doing something outrageous or if they were playing each other in quidditch. Once he was with James, he couldn’t ignore it. 

All of the years Regulus spent ignoring his brother, James had spent learning his every thought. Their mannerisms mirror each other, they laugh at the same things, they breathe the same. As he got to know James, he had to accept letting his brother back into his mind. It was no longer something that he could ignore. When James held him the first time, he could feel the rise and fall of his chest. It was the same rhythm of Sirius’ breath when he would hold Regulus as a small and scared child. That’s not something he could ignore. 

Now, with Sirius knowing everything, it’s too much. He takes up more space than either of them had ever realized, and now that is space that they both need to constantly avoid. Sirius knows they both have the mark, he knows that they are together, but he doesn’t know the truth of everything. He chooses to believe that they are both bad people. He thinks that they both are now like their parents. He refuses to see that this was the only thing either of them could do. Regulus didn’t take the mark lightly, and he knows for damn sure that James didn’t either. It’s tearing both of them apart, but they are holding each other together as best they can. 

“That’s not fair to you. Have you tried to talk to them at all?” He just doesn’t want James to lose everything because of him.

“It’s alright. I have all I need right here.” With his arms already wrapped around Regulus, he squeezes him a little bit tighter and presses a kiss to the top of his head. It’s as if Regulus is the one needing comfort right now, not James. 

He doesn’t know what to say to this. Simply because he knows that it’s a lie. James is the type of person to love being around people. He loves to make others happy and goes out of his way to do so. Now though, he hides in the shadows and isn’t the sun shining on everyone around him. Regulus knows that he can’t push him to do anything more than he wants to. It could end up hurting him more in the end. If he says he’s okay, then that’s just it. Even if it’s a lie, it’s one that Regulus has to accept as truth.

“You know, I could stay here with you at night. If you want…” 

He remembers the time that they accidentally fell asleep in each other’s arms fondly. It was the best night’s sleep he’s ever gotten. There was also the time over the summer, but he does his best to never think about that night. It’s too painful. But James’ birthday was so nice. One day, not long from now, they will be able to spend every night together. They will have a home that is their own, no one will be able to disturb them there. 

“I love having you close to me, but this sofa isn’t big enough for us to do that every night. You have a perfectly good bed that you can sleep in.”

Regulus doesn’t think it through before suggesting it. “What if you stayed the night in my dorm?”

“I shouldn’t. You have roommates too.” There seems to be something else that James isn’t telling him.  

“They can deal with it.” He knows that Barty and Evan will have a million questions, but he would rather know that James is comfortable and by his side than spending every night alone. 

He’s incredibly hesitant. “Okay. Tonight I will.”

“Or, you could every night…” Regulus turns to look at James behind him with a smirk. 

All morning they have been talking about difficult things, he just wants to see James smile. When they’re together, especially in their secret room, nothing should be able to get to them. There are no outside factors here. It’s a safe place for them to talk about things, yes, but it’s also a place where they can put everything going on out of their minds and just simply exist. It’s an escape. A place where the marks on their arms don’t mean anything. A place where James can smile and laugh without Sirius looking at him like he doesn’t deserve to. A place where they can just be them. 

“Are you asking me to move in with you?” James’ jaw drops open with drama playfully laced in his voice. 

“Excuse me. I thought we were already moving in together after school ends. You act like it would be awful to live with me.”

“Well, I don’t know if you even know how to clean things without a house elf to help.”

“I’ll have you know, I am very tidy. You are the messy one here, baby. I’m going to have to pick up after you.”

“And you’ll love every second of it.” He smiles, a real, true, happy smile. 

“You are ridiculous, Potter. I can’t believe you made me fall in love with you.” 

This is what he has missed. This is the James that he has loved for far longer than even he is aware of. Not that he doesn’t love every version of James, every little part of him. He just loves this part a little bit more. When James smiles and laughs louder than necessary, Regulus catches a twinkle in his eye that makes him just melt. He can’t help but smile back at him. They could be bickering about just about anything, but he would have to stop the second James looks at him the way he is right now. There’s no way he could ever be mad at him, real or pretend, when he brightens the world around Regulus. 

“Oh, I made you fall for me? Are you saying that you wouldn’t choose this?” James teases. 

“Oh shut up. I would choose to love you in every lifetime. Though, I don’t think I even get that choice.” 

“Every lifetime? Is that so?”

“Don’t you think so?” A soft smile settles onto Regulus’s face. 

Regulus has spent most nights dreaming of all of the lives they could live. Ones where they find each other as kids and grow up falling in love more and more each day. Ones where they don’t find each other for years and years, but fall in love at first sight. Ones where they live the most mundane lives with no magic. Even ones where they have kids together and grow old holding onto each other the whole time.  

“Suppose you could be right.”

“I think it’s time to head to class. Will you be alright?”

“Of course, don’t worry about me. I’ll see you later.” They walk hand in hand to the door, James slipping out first, but not before stealing a quick kiss to make it through the day. 

All day he does what he always does on Sirius’ birthday. At least the last few that is. He tries to pretend it’s just a normal day. It doesn’t work quite as well as he had hoped it would.

As children, they wouldn’t get to have big celebrations, but they did have their own traditions. Ones just for them. For Regulus, his birthday is always simple for them. They would hide away from the rest of the family after they had to spend the entire day prior with them for the Black family Christmas party. Sirius would bring a huge bag of sweets into Regulus’ room. He never did figure out where he got them from, but he appreciated it immensely. They would build a fort out of pillows from both of their rooms and stay in there until it was dark outside. Then they would go out and look at the stars, huddled together to fight off the cold December air. 

For Sirius’ birthday, they would try to sneak away from the house. That didn’t start until his eighth birthday, so they only got to do it three times. But it was fun. They would run through the streets of London without a care in the world. It was easy for them to just get lost in neighborhoods they didn’t know, but they could always find their way back to the house. They would find little shops to go into and play with muggle toys or look at muggle books. Regulus never knew why that’s what his brother wanted to do for his birthday, but it was nice to not be in the house. Before they started that, they would simply run around in the back garden laughing. They would need to be quiet to not upset their mother, but all that mattered was having fun for just the one day. 

Now, at Hogwarts, Sirius has an extravagant birthday every year. His friends throw a party, no matter what night of the week it is. There is loud music blasting in Gryffindor tower that can be heard down the nearby corridors. Regulus knows this because the first few years, he tried to go see him. Sirius didn’t reach out to him, he didn’t open any of the notes that Regulus sent, he didn’t seem to want Regulus there. He only wanted to uphold some of their traditions, even if they were separated by their houses. First year, he got as far as knocking on the portrait hole, but left before anyone opened it to allow him in. Second year, he paced the corridor, but never knocked. Third year, he stopped going anywhere near him. 

Regulus’ eleventh birthday was the last one with a pillow fort. Up until his fifteenth, they were together on that day, but avoided each other’s eyes. He would look to his big brother for signs that he wanted to spend the day with him, but never got so much as a second glance. 

Today, Sirius’ eighteenth birthday, Regulus can’t help but watch these memories flash through his mind like a movie. He doesn’t pay attention in any of the classes he has. The only reason he knows to get up and move to the next classroom, or to the Great Hall for lunch, is because his friends nudge him to. As much as he tries to pretend everything is fine and normal today, he can’t. Because it isn’t. All he can do is wait for the day to pass, and then he can lock up the memories in his mind once again. Until the next November third.

Even last year, once he was already with James, he found it easier to push the thoughts away. He knew that James was busy and had to, wanted to, celebrate his best friend. They didn’t talk about it, but that didn’t matter. Both of their relationships with Sirius weren’t yet broken beyond repair. Maybe it had been months since Regulus spoke to him, but they were still brothers. They both knew that then, they both believed that then. James was happy and he was smiling all day. He knows because he would steal glances at both James and Sirius in the corridors or the Great Hall whenever he could. There was so much laughter and love then. 

Now though, there isn’t. At least not in the same way. At least not between all of them. 

The hours pass by incredibly slowly. He had no idea a day could take so long to be over. Even the other days of the year that he dreads, mostly the ones where he has to be around the entire Black family, don’t feel this long. By the time dinner rolls around, he feels as if three days have gone by. He watches as James slips into the hall to grab food and slips right out before anyone else from his year in Gryffindor even arrives. As quickly as he can, Regulus finishes up and tells his friends that he’ll see them in the dorm later, though earlier than he returns most nights. 

It’s now that he’s walking back to find James tonight that he realizes that there will be at least some explanation necessary to his friends. He has never told them where he goes, and they don’t ask. They don’t know about James in any capacity. It will likely come as a shock, but he doesn’t care all that much. It would happen eventually. Especially now that James is sticking with him for the long haul. 

As expected, James is already there. He looks tired. It’s still quite early, but when Regulus gets a closer look at his boyfriend, he sees it. His eyes aren’t tired from sleepiness, he’s just plain tired. Of life, of today, of everything. It looks as though James simply needs a break from reality, or to take a pause on life to allow himself to catch up. He didn’t look this tired this morning, so today must have taken a bigger toll than he was expecting. It did for Regulus, so he gets it. He really, really understands. 

“Hi.” 

Without replying, James just collapses into his arms. Regulus staggers for a moment but holds him up all the same, allowing him to let go of whatever is weighing on him. James shouldn’t have to carry it all on his own, after all it is Regulus’ fault. Everything that has happened is his fault, he knows this. Without him, maybe James would still be the same person he was over a year ago, and tonight he would be drinking the night away in Gryffindor tower to celebrate his best friend. The things he misses out on now, are not lost on Regulus. He is incredibly aware of them, as much as he hates it. As much as he hates himself for it. 

“Let’s sit, yeah? I have something to ask.” At his words, James pulls away to scan his face, looking to see if there’s worry laced through his expression. “Nothing bad, I promise.”

“Sure. Okay. What is it?”

“You’re staying with me tonight,” he starts. “Which means my friends will see you in the dorm. I- we can tell them whatever you’re comfortable telling them.”

James visibly relaxes, a bit unexpectedly. He had thought he would be more uneasy about people knowing about them now. Especially given that quite a bit of the school either knows or suspects about the mark on Regulus’ arm. Being associated with each other would do him no favours with anyone who doesn’t already know. It did a fat lot of good with James’ friends, so it would be natural for him to be wary. Except Barty and Evan are different. Them knowing doesn’t carry nearly as much weight as Sirius. 

“What do they know?” James questions. 

“They know about me. Nothing about you. I wouldn’t tell anyone anything about you.”

“Keeping me a secret are you? You’re not ashamed of me, right?” He teases, which brings a soft smile to both of their faces. 

“Well, if you must know. I prefer having you all to myself. I thought that was obvious. But really, what do you want them to know?”

“It doesn’t matter to me.” He shrugs and sighs heavily. 

“I told them not to ask any questions, but listening isn’t either of their strong suits. I can handle them, so just tell me if they push too much. Okay? I love you.” He reassures him and squeezes his hand tightly. 

For a while longer, they sit close together on the couch not saying anything. As always, at least in recent months, there is far too much to be said, that it’s easier to just say nothing at all. Neither of them want to talk about anything real. Regulus knows that his own mind is constantly thinking through everything. What they could have done differently, what they are going to have to do now that they’ve made the choices they have, how much easier things used to be. 

Tonight especially, is hard. He can tell that James feels out of sorts not being with Sirius, it’s so painfully obvious. He’s practically crawling out of his own skin. They don’t talk anymore, so James probably didn’t even try to say happy birthday, and that of course feels weird to him. Maybe in time Regulus can teach him how to lock parts of him away in his mind so that things get easier. The ironic thing is that Sirius was the one to teach Regulus to do that. It was, at first, to help keep Walburga out of specific parts of his mind, to keep her from accessing his more precious memories when she went digging. Over time it became a self defense to keep himself from thinking about anything painful on accident. 

One day James will be able to do the same, it will be better that way. 

“I love you.” He pauses. “I don’t care what they know or what they have to say honestly.”

They leave it at that. Regulus knows that James will be able to handle himself, but he’ll be there too so there is nothing to worry about. Even though they’re staying together in Slytherin tonight, they don’t leave their room just yet. A lot of students are still at dinner and the halls will be crowded. Leaving here and heading back will already be a big feat with no one around because the common room is always full at night. They don’t need the added pressure of extra eyes on them the whole way there. 

He tells James that they can go whenever he wants to. Everything is up to him now. Regulus was never one to willingly give away his control in any situation. Growing up having no control because of his parents, he took every opportunity to be in control when he could. With James though, he doesn’t care. He will do anything he wants, give him anything he needs. Giving up control with James has never bothered him. He trusts him instinctively. 

Around the time they would usually just be arriving here, that’s when they decide to leave. The halls should be quiet now, aside from a few stray students getting back before curfew. James confirmed that the party in Gryffindor would already be in full swing, so there’s nothing to worry about there. Though he didn’t use as many words. Words about the party that they both know is happening don’t leave their lips. That would bring them to acknowledge Sirius, which at this point neither of them can handle. 

For the first time, instead of one of them slipping out of the room first, they leave hand in hand. Regulus almost lets go, but James holds onto him. There’s no one around, so they can easily remain linked. He is just so used to not being able to do that. For a second it feels weird to walk down the corridor like this, as if they are doing something they shouldn’t. But they’re not. They are together and they love each other and they have every right to hold hands. Maybe not everyone would agree, hell most probably wouldn’t, not when it comes to them, but that doesn’t matter. It feels good, it feels right, to be able to have James right by his side. 

“Ready?” He asks as they approach the entrance to the dungeons. 

“As long as your bed is comfortable.” Jame forces a slight smile, though he still looks nervous. 

“Everyone in the common room will mind their business, but if they have something to say, I’ll deal with them. Just stay close to me.”

Despite his smaller frame, he shields James as best he can when they enter. Like he told him, everyone keeps to themselves. It’s just how Slytherins are. They all mind their own business. Mostly because many of them are doing their own things that they don’t want prying eyes on. Secrecy is big amongst them, everyone has secrets, everyone is keeping someone else’s secrets. Regulus isn’t naive enough to think that no one will notice James, but he does know for a fact that anyone who has something to say will either say it to his face or simply keep it to themselves. 

The same cannot be said for Barty and Evan. 

Regulus slowly pushes the door to his dorm open. “You said you would be back early but-” Evan starts to say, only to be cut off by Barty.

“What the fuck is he doing here?”

“James is going to be staying here.” He says very matter of factly. He prepared for this, he knew this would cause questions. 

“He’s staying? Reg what are you on about? Doesn’t he have a perfectly good bed up in that little tower and isn’t there a party tonight for-”

“Like I said-” 

“Reg, it’s okay.” James stops him and places a hand on his shoulder. “Yes, I’m staying, if that’s alright with you. There is a party and I am not welcome at it. Any more questions?”

It surprises him how confidently James handles this. Though maybe it shouldn’t. This is just the first time in months that Regulus has seen the old James, the confident, outgoing James around anyone else. Even when they’re alone he barely sees it, but now he does. Now he knows that James is still himself, even if he dulls himself around most people to be able to fade into the back. He still has the old him somewhere inside of him. Regulus is glad that he isn’t entirely lost. 

“Erm yeah. Loads of questions… First off, what the hell is going on?” Evan looks bewildered. 

“James and I are dating. Have been for a year now. Next.” It’s easier to just go through this now than to have constant questions for the rest of the year. 

“Does he, you know, know?” Barty not so subtly motions to Regulus’ left arm. 

Together, James and Regulus both nod. Neither verbally answers. Regulus knows that if either of them did, there would be room to slip up and give away something about James. And that isn’t his place. If he wants to let them know about his own mark, then he can, but he probably doesn’t. Though it’s only a matter of time before both of Regulus’ friends find out. They have made it clear that they plan to get the mark as soon as they are able to. It makes no sense to him, but their choices are their own. He can only warn them so much of all that comes with having the mark, but they are still going to choose it. 

“Right so is this like a one time thing or?” 

“No.” Regulus simply states and pulls James with him into his bed.

He quickly pulls the curtains shut and places a few charms on them. His friends don’t need to hear anything they talk about or bother them for the rest of the night. It’s much earlier than either of them have gone to sleep, so naturally they lay awake for a long time. James isn’t as chatty tonight and mostly just lays on his side looking at Regulus. 

“You can come every night if you want to. I like having you here.” He breaks the silence to say. 

Across from him, James smiles. He then, seeming once again like himself, pulls Regulus towards his chest. His head settles in against James’ chest and he breathes in time with him. He can feel his steady heartbeat and it soothes him. Sleeping wrapped in each other’s arms used to just be something that he dreamed about, he never thought it would become a reality. Back when things were so different, back when they didn’t have a clear path to a future together, this wasn’t something that he could let himself get attached to the idea of. This had to stay in the back of his mind and only come to the front when he needed a nice thought to lull him into a peaceful sleep. Most often it would be what he dreamt of while at Grimmauld Place. 

“You’re incredible. Did you know that?”

“What do you mean?” He hasn’t done anything.

James’ face softens. “Reg, you have had to deal with so much in your life and you are still one of the kindest people I know. People can say whatever they want about you, but I know the real you and the real you is perfect. The real you is incredible and lovely and I can’t believe that you’re mine.”

He’s thankful that it’s dark so that James can’t see the blush that fills his cheeks. To James, he is all of these good things, but he knows that won’t last. He knows that soon they will be called to do things for the Dark Lord and that the image James has of him in his mind will twist and break and shatter. Regulus is nowhere near perfect and he has never claimed to be. Perhaps James’ view is simply skewed, but he can’t deny him thinking that. Instead he just curls even further into him and slips his arms around him.

“Oh.” The syllable leaves his lips involuntarily.

From outside their bed, notably no longer just Regulus’ bed because it now belongs to James too, he can faintly hear the other boys talking. He remains silent to try and make out what they’re saying, without much luck. Until he hears James’ name said and he bolts upright and presses one ear to the curtain closest to them. 

“- think James has the mark too?”

“Him? Gods no. That would be the shock of the century.”

“Why else would he not be with Black today?”

“I don’t know Ev, but I doubt Potter could handle the mark. He’s not like us.”

“Well he is a pure blood, you never know.”

Regulus wants to burst out of bed and curse both of them. They have no right to talk about James like that. They don’t know him at all. He stops himself, solely because he hopes that James hasn’t heard anything and he doesn’t want to explain to him why he left bed to hex his friends. 

“It’s alright if they know. I don’t care.” James whispers.

His face drops. “You could hear them?”

He nods. “It’s alright. I don’t care, it’s not like they’re going to go around broadcasting it to anyone. I am in their dorm and if I keep coming back they will eventually find out, don’t you think?”

The way he talks about it nonchalantly takes him by surprise. They haven’t even really talked about it much when they’re alone. Regulus was obviously there when James got it, and helped him after. They also talked about ways for him to cover it up and he knows that he can always go to Regulus about anything if he needs to. It’s just been so much easier for them to both pretend their matching tattoos don’t exist at all. When they’re together it’s as if they don’t. 

It makes it easier that they don’t have to go to any of the meetings or go on any missions until after school. That’s why most don’t even get the mark until after they leave Hogwarts. Having it is just a game of hiding it. But they both have it, and maybe they should talk about what that means more. Maybe Regulus should give James more warnings about what is to come. He knows enough from his cousin Bellatrix who is already in the top of the Dark Lord’s ranks. 

“I guess you’re right.” He goes quiet after this, not knowing what else to say. 

For him the mark is a sign of his own weakness. He wasn’t able to get out of getting it. Sure, he had to willingly accept it from the Dark Lord, but it definitely wasn’t his first choice. Then again, it wasn’t James’ first choice either. He did make that choice willingly, and continued to make it when Regulus gave him as many opportunities to turn back that night as he could. In a way it was the last choice for both of them, but it’s also the choice that is leading them to a life together. 

Before Regulus can process what James is doing, he has the curtain drawn back slightly and he leans his head out. He can’t see the other boys as they’re blocked by James’ body, but he can hear as they stop talking and the room falls silent. There was no part of Regulus that expected the words that would fall from James’ lips. Maybe James didn’t either, maybe they just do exactly that - fall out. 

“To end your speculation… Rosier is right.” Then he shuts them in again and falls back into bed with Regulus.

That night they drift to sleep feeling safe in each other’s arms. It’s a glimpse into their future. One where they do this every night. Which they’re now significantly closer to than either of them thought. Sleeping here together in the Slytherin dorms might become their new normal for the next few months. He really doesn’t hate that, in fact he likes it quite a bit. Regulus gets to keep James all to himself all night long. It’s all he’s wanted for so long. Any time that they aren’t together he’s thinking of him and what he might be doing. 

Now he never has to wonder. They’re almost always together from this night forward. 

When morning comes, Regulus wakes first. James’ arms remain tightly around him, and half of his body weighs down on him. He should have expected this. Of course James is someone who cuddles all night long. Not just while they are lazily falling asleep. He didn’t pull away from him once during the night, and didn’t let Regulus get free for that matter either. Regulus peeks his head out of the bed and sees that Barty and Evan have already left for breakfast, their beds are empty and unmade. He would think they would at least make their beds, though they never do. 

He reaches for his wand without disturbing James and charms the covers on their beds to tidy themselves and then flicks all of the curtains open. Not that he wants to disturb James, but they should be getting up soon. If the other two are already out of the dorm, it’s not early by any means. It’s a Friday, so James willhave charms classafter breakfast, and he really shouldn’t be late. Regulus wants to help keep James’ daily life as normal for him as possible. As much as he wants the boy all to himself, James still needs to have some sense of normalcy while he can. 

“Good morning, sleepy head.” He tries to gently wake him. 

“It’s so dark.” He grumbles. “Are you sure it’s morning?”

“We don’t get direct sunlight down here, idiot. We’re below the lake.” He playfully informs him, forgetting that he’s likely never been in the dungeons before now. 

“Oh.” James shoots up and quickly tries to fix his hair and find his glasses. 

He’s never this eager to leave Regulus, though it’s only the third time they’ve spent the night together. He likely does have places to be and exiting through the Slytherin common room will be a feat in itself. Regulus follows suit and easily gets ready for the day. He doesn’t quite care to leave the dorm right now, but he has to at the very least walk James down and ensure that no one so much as looks at him wrong. Luckily most people have the common sense to not cross him. Especially not in the morning. 

“Alright, I’m ready. Is it going to be fine leaving? I think my cloak is in my bag, I could use that.” James fusses. 

Right, he forgot. James has an invisibility cloak. He told him about it the first time he popped out of thin air sometime last year in the Astronomy tower. It’s how he’s so easily been able to sneak around late at night. Maybe he should have had him wear that when they entered the dorm last night, but it’s too late now. 

“Might be good to. It’ll be busier now than it was last night.”

He simply nods and slips it over himself. Regulus only slightly hates it for two reasons. First, because he’s jealous and wishes he had one of his own. Though he will never tell James that. Second, because he hates that he can’t see James when it’s on. This is something he will also not be telling him. It would inflate his ego a bit too much and the teasing that would result would be never ending.

James reaches out and brushes against Regulus to let him know he’s there. They make their way out of the dorm and through the common room. As suspected it’s full of students of all different ages. Most of which would have a million questions if they saw one James Potter leaving with Regulus early in the morning. It feels uncomfortable for him to walk alongside his invisible boyfriend, but he won’t let that bother him. Eventually he will get used to it, especially if this is going to become a regular arrangement for them. 

It doesn’t take long for them to reach the door to leave Slytherin. He reaches out before leaving the room just to make sure James is still by his side. He is. He always is. They slip out the door together, but James remains hidden at least for now. It’s best that he stays under the cloak for at least a little bit longer to not draw suspicion about him being so near to the dungeons. 

The problem comes much quicker than they would like. 

Not even ten paces from the door to the dungeons stand Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. And they are staring directly at Regulus. 

There is nowhere for him to turn, they’re blocking the only pathway to the rest of the castle. He can tell that James sees them too, and it’s yet another reason he’s grateful that he has the cloak on. This really isn’t an interaction he wants to have. Maybe before these were people that he could have gotten on well with. In another life maybe they’re even friends of Regulus’. Except this isn’t another life. This is one where they know that he is Sirius’ little brother, James’ boyfriend, and a death eater. The first two being things that they would rather not co exist with the latter fact. 

He slowly continues walking, knowing that they have seen him and he’s seen them, so the option to turn back to the dungeons has long since passed. In Lupin’s hands is some large piece of parchment that he is gripping as if his life depends on it. The curious part of Regulus’ brain wants to know what it is, but the smart part of his brain knows that he should just keep walking and not even stop to entertain whatever reason they have for being here. 

There shouldn’t be a way for them to know that James stayed the night. Even if they know that James didn’t sleep in the dorm. He has been sleeping in their room for most of the term, so they would have shown up sooner than now if they suspected he was here. How could they have figured it out on the first night that James was here? Regulus quite frankly has no idea, but like James has assured him, it doesn’t matter. They may still be his friends, but they’re never going to choose James and his death eater boyfriend over Sirius. 

Really though, who could?

The hand that he kept slightly outstretched enough to be constantly brushing against James, now only touches the air around it. The faint woosh of the cloak has stopped. Regulus turns his head to look at the place where he thinks James is standing, though he remains invisible. Seemingly frozen in that spot. His feet unwilling to continue closer to his friends. When Regulus turns his head away from him, he sees the other two Gryffindors whispering. Then, the cloak comes off and James steps forward, finally facing them. 

Regulus can’t help but think that this just shows how brave and strong James is. If roles were reversed, he wouldn’t face them. He would run and hide. It’s all he knows how to do. Whenever he disappoints anyone, it’s his instinct to curl in on himself and make himself as small as possible, to take up as little space as he can. Confrontation, especially when he knows that the other person is right, is not something he can do easily. It’s something he’s had to learn and still hasn’t mastered. It’s easier when he doesn’t care about the other people, or when it’s something he could easily fake. But for James, these are his best friends of nearly seven years and he’s practically lost them. Yet he can somehow face them with courage he’s pulled from deep within and prepare to take whatever they have to say to him. 

They stand next to each other, facing the others. Their hands don’t link together, but the tiniest sliver of their pinkies brush against each other. Just the smallest bit of touch, the most subtle reminder that they are there together and not going anywhere makes it all okay. If James is willing to talk to them right now, and hear out whatever they are here to say, then Regulus can be here with him. He can muster up his own strength and give that to James. 

“Where have you been?” Peter is the first to speak. 

“You’re holding the map, I think you can answer that one for yourself.” Map? What map?

“Last night was the first night we could find you. You haven’t been on the map any other night. We’ve been looking.” Remus clarifies, well clarifies to James. Regulus still has no idea what’s going on. 

“Who has been looking? You two or…”

“Just us, but last night he was drunk and tried to look. I stopped him.”

What Regulus gathers from this, is that they have some sort of map that shows where others are in the castle and that their room doesn’t show up on it for some reason. He settles on asking James to explain later, and instead tries to follow the conversation as best he can for now. There is no reason they should be trying to find James, not after how they’ve all but fully iced him out. Regardless of what Sirius decides to do, his other friends should still want him in their lives. Not just to keep tabs on, but to actually be friends. Yet this doesn’t feel like that. Regulus certainly isn’t going to stand for him being treated this way. 

“Sirius can stay the fuck out of his business. He decided they weren’t friends anymore. Alright?” He steps in before James can say anything else. 

Beside him, he can feel James tense up a bit at the mention of Sirius. He doesn’t blame him, neither of them talk about him anymore. His name hasn’t been said between them in months and likely won’t be for a while after this. It’s just too hard. Regulus does allow himself to think about him, simply because the effort it takes to remove him entirely from his thoughts is too much. He doesn’t have it in him, and he doesn’t want to lose him completely. If he’s still swimming around his mind, then they are still brothers. At least that’s what Regulus decided. 

Since they don’t talk about him, Regulus has started writing letters. For now they aren’t being sent, but he has to write them. One day maybe he will send these letters or ones he writes in the future, to his brother. Maybe then enough time will have passed that Sirius won’t immediately burn the letters, and perhaps he would even read them. Who knows if he would be willing to respond, but it would be a nice thought that he will. Only time will tell. 

“Right, alright.” Peter murmurs, not wanting to light the fuse that is Regulus any more than they already are. 

James takes a deep breath and closes his eyes to think for a second. “I think you should remove our names from the map. I- I can’t be worried that you’re going to pop up anywhere or that Si- that he will know where I am all of the time. It’s just- I think it’s for the better if you do that.”

“He just needs time. You know how things were after that one night in fifth year. I needed time, and look at us now. Things are good, Prongs.” Remus says, and Regulus can feel James tense up at the nickname that he likely hasn’t heard in nearly a year. “Just give him time, he’ll come around.”

“I don’t think he will this time…” His confidence has worn off.

The more Sirius is mentioned, even if not by name, the more James seems to lose himself. For so long they were part of each other, and now they aren’t. It’s like pressing on an open wound. There’s nothing that can be done to save it, there’s no point in trying. Each mention of him just stings, and even if not directed at Regulus, he can feel it too. The wound is just as bloody and fresh for him as it is for James. They’re both drowning in it. 

Peter speaks up again, taking a step closer. “James, are you okay? We’re worried.”

“I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong.” He pauses, seeming to be thinking through what to say next. “Alright?” James settles on not saying anything. 

For a second, it seemed like he was contemplating telling them the one thing they don’t already know. Except his boldness from the night before has disappeared. These are his friends and he can’t just tell them that. Not after knowing how it went when Sirius found out, though Regulus doesn’t know that story. What he’s learned during this interaction is that they don’t know about the mark, and James has no intentions of letting them in on that secret. 

“If you say so. Just- Can you just come back? He’s just being dramatic and stubborn, you know him. I’m sure he misses you too. We all do.” Remus tries to reason, though maybe he doesn’t know Sirius as well as he thinks. 

Peter jumps in before Regulus has a chance to tell them to fuck off. “It doesn’t matter that you’re dating baby Black. Sirius can get used to it. Even though he has-”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”

The words come from James. They all know he was about to mention the mark. The root of all of their problems. The catalyst for everything falling apart. The reason Sirius stopped considering Regulus a brother, and James a friend. Though that’s not quite right. He used to consider James a brother too. So perhaps he lost two brothers in all of this. Either way, there is no need to talk about it. Regulus knows that they obviously know about him, but they don’t know about James and the longer they stay on this topic, the easier it would be for them to find out. Even if they will find out eventually, now really isn’t the time. 

“James, come on. I didn’t mean it like that. We just miss you, and if you’re happy with him then great.” Peter tries to save it. 

“If this is what you want, then we trust you James. We just don’t want to lose you because of whatever is going on with Sirius.” 

Isn’t that just the funniest part? Remus says they trust James. But it’s a little too late for that. Trust was broken so long ago, there’s no getting it back. The broken trust, from Sirius specifically, is the only reason things are the way they are currently. If he had just trusted James then everything would be fine. Trust from Remus and Peter now won’t do any good for any one. Maybe the words are meant to be a comfort, to assure James that he hasn’t lost them yet, but they don’t bring any comfort. Regulus can feel as James grows more tense that they are on the same page about this. 

Their trust is now misplaced. 

When he needed to and should have been trusted, he wasn’t. And now? He knows James doesn’t think anyone should trust him, other than Regulus. 

The thing is, the root of all of this isn’t necessarily the mark. For the longest time, Regulus thought it was, but the more he thinks about it, the more clearly he can see. It was never the mark that was the problem. Sure, he didn’t want it, but had to get it. But there was going to be a plan, a way for him to be okay and make it out. James assured him as much. They would just need a little extra help from his friends and parents. It would have all been okay. 

And then there was Sirius. 

Sirius who was so upset at their relationship. Sirius who cut his own brother off when he saw the mark. Sirius who cut off his own best friend for dating a death eater. Sirius who accused his own best friend of becoming a death eater. Sirius who drove his own best friend away and to getting the mark. 

Sirius, who left Regulus alone in their parents house.

Sirius Sirius Sirius. Sirius.

It really all ties back to Sirius, now doesn’t it? 

The thought makes Regulus feel sick. More so than thinking that the mark is the root of all of their problems. His big brother was only ever doing what he thought was best. Many of his decisions were rash and impulsive, but the intentions were good. Right? He’d like to think so, though if they were laced with malice then it would be easier for him to try and hate him for all that he’s done. 

Instead he’s left to just regret him for all the pain he has caused. 

“James is perfectly fine. He’s happy and safe and you have nothing to worry about.” Regulus starts and looks to his boyfriend to confirm everything he is saying. “You’re free to talk to him whenever you please, you’re big boys. Now, is that all?” 

He just wants this to be done and over. If they keep going around in circles then eventually it would come out that James got the mark and that Sirius knows. Not that he’s an expert in these things, but Regulus knows both of them pretty well. All of this would seem out of character for them, especially to keep it from their other two best friends. It would not end well for any of them. The easy way out is letting them believe that James is choosing to distance himself. In a way he did, though Sirius never really gave him that choice. 

As much as it all boils down to Sirius, he can’t even find it in himself to hate his brother. He understands most of what he did. Regulus understands why he had to leave and why it would have been harder to bring him along. He understands his anger at Regulus getting the mark. He even understands why Sirius is furious about James getting it too. He really fully understands all of that. If Sirius could just try to understand it from their perspectives, maybe they wouldn’t be here. Maybe they would have never gotten to this point. 

“Yeah, alright. We’re heading to breakfast if you want to come.” The Gryffindors resign and stop fighting. 

There isn’t a reason for them to fight anyway. At least not now. James is keeping his distance for a reason, but not one he can tell them. They could keep this going for hours and get absolutely nowhere. Regulus knows that James misses his friends, he really does. Even if he doesn’t say it, he does. For this reason, Regulus nudges him to wordlessly tell him to go with them. That he’ll see him later. That it will be okay, they aren’t on the verge of finding out anything they don’t need to. 

Everything is so complex now. It was never meant to be. If James had never waltzed into his life, into the astronomy tower, then Regulus would have gotten the mark and been a reluctant soldier. He probably would have died early on in the war, and he would be okay with that. Now that he has James, there’s a better life for him, but a messier one for James. Without Regulus, he would have joined the other side of the war and likely come out unscathed and with all of his friends by his side. Regulus could try to make light of their situation as best he can, and it would be dim at best. Maybe with them on the opposing side, they could somehow inadvertently help James’ old friends. Though Sirius would never accept their help. Not anymore. 

✦✦✦

Things are different after that. James sleeps in the Slytherin dorms every night and no one questions it. They slowly start spending more time together around the castle, and no one questions that either. Sure, at first there are some glances and stares, but no one says anything to them. Maybe everyone just knows better than to do that, or they just simply don’t care. The world doesn’t revolve around them to be fair. 

As they started to venture out from their room or the dorm to other parts of the castle, they were sure they would run into people they didn’t want to see. Sirius, is what they mean by that. Though neither of them say his name anymore. It’s too much for both of them. However, they almost never see him. Not in the library, or the Great Hall, or the courtyard, or literally anywhere. He’s sure to be in other places of the castle or staying in the Gryffindor tower, but it’s a bit strange. Then again, he was always the one to run from things and people rather than face them. While Regulus was the one to hide, Sirius would run. Just now he’s gotten far too tired of hiding. Eventually, Sirius will have to get tired of running. 

Regulus finds himself thinking about him a lot lately. A huge part of his mind is taken up by him. Whenever he thinks about Sirius, he wants more than anything to be able to go and talk to him. Sometimes he even almost manages to fool himself into believing that if he talked to him that they could fix things. Except the last time he tried that, it didn’t work. It probably even made things worse. 

So instead of talking to him, he writes letters. What started out as mostly journaling, turned into writing full blown letters to his brother. Maybe one day he’ll send them, or send ones he writes later on, but for now he doesn’t. For now they just sit in his notebook. Better there than swirling around in his mind incessantly. Most of the time he writes about how he misses Sirius, or how he wants things to be different, better, but sometimes it’s more. Sometimes he even writes about James. If he were to ever send these, Sirius would want to know how James is. Maybe even more than he would want to know about Regulus. 

Which is fair. Regulus is still the same little boy that Sirius has always known. It’s James who has changed. It’s James who is losing the parts that make him, him. The trademark spark that James Potter always has. Over the last few months, Regulus watches as James fades in and out of himself. It’s like he’s losing his hold on reality, though Regulus can always pull him back in. It’s never for too long and he’s always fine, but it does worry him a bit. The way that it could get worse, or that there could be a point that he can’t come back from. 

So, he writes letters to Sirius. Eventually he may send them. If James were to ever get to a point that Regulus didn’t know what to do, well then he would definitely send them. There’s no one that knows James better than Sirius. He would be the solution for sure. He would just have to be willing to help. Regulus hopes that if he does send these, that Sirius will read them and write him back. Even if they aren’t speaking, maybe they could be pen pals of sorts. They could write to each other and rebuild the bridge between them that way. It could work, they just both have to try. 

As different as things are, it’s all settled into a strange new normal. They wake up next to each other, or in each other’s arms, or more often than not, with James lying entirely on top of Regulus. In the mornings, they get ready together and then head to their first classes, or quidditch practices. They meet up in the corridors between classes, always outside of Regulus’ classrooms. Never James’, because Sirius is there. That’s the only time they see him at all. Well, James sees him and doesn’t speak to him and doesn’t so much as mention it to Regulus. But he knows. 

Sometimes, when the halls are empty, or even when they are completely packed, they find their hands gravitating towards each other. Regulus was never one for public displays of affection. He never thought he would be. It just doesn’t sound like him and there certainly weren’t any circumstances that would allow it. Now though, he longs to slip his hand back into James’. He wants nothing more than to be close to him. Over time, they slowly start allowing themselves to drift closer and closer together when in public spaces. 

By now, school is nearly over, and they find themselves in the library leaning on each other. There was only one large arm chair available when they entered today and decided it would be perfectly fine. It’s still one that is out of the main view of the library, close by to the windows, hidden by stacks of books. But still, anyone could come across them here. They don’t mind. James sits with his legs crossed in the chair and a book in his lap. Regulus is perched on the arm of the chair, fully leaning onto James to support his weight. He doesn’t have much work to do and it wouldn’t matter if he did. 

After this term, he isn’t coming back to Hogwarts. Despite having another year left, he won’t be returning. It was something he decided a few months back. There would be no point for him to return, his fate is already sealed by the mark on his arm. James is finishing his NEWTS and then they will find a house or a flat to move into together. Regulus also refuses to let James go through any of this alone. They are going to start having to attend meetings and go off on missions as ordered by the Dark Lord and his inner circle. If Regulus were to be at Hogwarts, James would have to do those things alone. Or simply with other death eaters, but Regulus doesn’t trust that anyone else would look out for him. So he will not be returning to school and will live with James and find a way to live. 

James is attempting to keep some sense of normalcy by studying for his exams. It doesn’t really matter what any of the results are, so if he gets distracted very easily, he’s not hurting himself. This bodes very well for Regulus who is only in the library to entertain James’ faux studying. There’s many other places he would rather be, but no one else he would rather be with. From his spot on the arm of the chair, he is easily able to tangle his fingers through James’ hair, while still leaning on him. They arrived here about half an hour ago and James is still diligently reading through his notes. Which means that Regulus is severely slacking off in his distractions and is waiting for the attention to be back on him. 

That’s another new thing for him. Enjoying attention. Though, he only wants to have it from James. So maybe it isn’t new at all, because he still prefers to blend in to crowds and to never be the topic of discussion. With James it’s different. Regulus wants to have his undivided attention whenever he can. It’s partially because he knows that when James is focused on him, he won’t fade away, he’ll smile and laugh and be his usual self. 

With the attention not on him, he decides that he has to try a bit harder. Which is quite simple, especially considering they are tucked away in a corner of the library where no one can see them unless they’re right in front of them. Regulus takes this opportunity to lift the book and notes from James’ lap and place them on the other arm of the chair. He looks up at him confused, and is just plain adorable. He doesn’t ask what Regulus is doing, he just waits for the next move. Regulus wouldn’t say he’s predictable, because they haven’t ever done exactly this before, but can he be blamed for wanting to kiss his boyfriend?

It’s very easy for him to swing his left leg around to bring himself to be straddling James. He sits in his lap and eagerly brings their lips together. It’s soft and sweet, yet also filled with hunger. Their kisses always are. Every time they kiss, they do it like it’s the last time they ever will. At least that’s how it feels to Regulus. Always trying to get more, taste more, feel more. James reciprocates with just as much passion. They rarely kiss outside of their room, Regulus’ dorm, or the astronomy tower. And when they do it’s only ever quick pecks to avoid anyone appearing and seeing them mid kiss. Today though, this feels like a safe spot and they both clearly would rather be kissing each other than pretending to do school work. 

As James helps Regulus to get more comfortably situated on his lap, he breaks the kiss for just a second. They both have their sleeves slightly rolled up since the air is hot as summer is fast approaching. When they are secluded like this, there is no reason to keep their sleeves down. It’s taken a lot of time, but they are both more comfortable seeing the mark on their own and each other’s arms. It’s less of a shock each time and more of simple recognition. Not to say they don’t still wish things were different, but there is no use dreaming of what might have been, when this is the life they are living. 

Before their lips connect again, Regulus thinks he catches a glimpse of something in the reflection of the window behind the chair. He looks harder for just a second, and wishes he hadn’t. The eyes that he can now see more clearly, are ones he would recognize anywhere. Except they’re gone before he can react, before he can turn around to do or say anything. All he knows is that Sirius was just there, and is now gone, and James couldn’t have seen him because Regulus was blocking him. It’s not the best thing that could have happened today, but then again it could have been worse. 

If things were better, Regulus would run after him. 

But things aren’t good, so he presses one more soft kiss to James’ slightly parted lips and then curls up in the chair with him. His eyes drift down to James’ left arm, the mark fully exposed. There is no way to know if that was visible to Sirius just now. He should be worried, but months ago he realized that his brother already knows. For a moment he lets a battle wage in his mind over whether he should tell James what just happened or not. It would only upset him, he thinks. There is nothing good that would come from telling James, so he decides not to. Regulus hates keeping secrets from him, but when he’s always just seconds from slipping away, he can’t risk it. Maybe this is just another thing that he’ll apologize to his brother for in a letter that may never get sent. 

After this, Regulus keeps from kissing James anywhere that isn’t private. He doesn’t want it to happen again. There’s only three more weeks of school, most of which is taken up by exams, so it shouldn’t be hard. It’s all very boring for the most part. The thing that gets under his skin is packing and having to find somewhere to live. James already decided he is going to go home one last time, get more of his things that he could need, and then meet Regulus at Grimmauld Place. Hopefully they would already have a place by that point so that he never has to stay there again. Regulus would prefer to keep James as far from that house as he can. 

These are their last weeks of peace. The last time that they will be able to just be them, before they are called to do things for the Dark Lord. Everything after this is unknown. They could be thrown right into fights against the other side, or they could be asked to train for months with dark magic. There’s a chance they won’t even be called to do anything, however unlikely that is. There’s no telling what is waiting for them, but there is one thing they do know. 

Whatever they do, they’ll do it together. 

Three Months Later

“It’s going to be fine, I promise.” Regulus assures James as they get ready. 

After the most recent meeting, they were given an assignment. Supposedly it’s a bit of training, so he’s not worried. They’ll be with other death eaters that are older and who have been in the ranks for longer. No one said whether the training would be hands on or if it would be just other death eaters. So far they haven’t been asked to do anything crazy. Since they’re the youngest members, along with a few other Slytherins that were in James’ year at Hogwarts, they’ve mostly been tasked with guard duty and required to attend all meetings. 

Not much is ever said during the meetings, yet they last for hours. Regulus has learned to tune it out. It’s not much different than when the Black family would have huge banquets and they would spew nonsense about toujours pur or which family members have done something to disgrace the Black name. Death eater meetings are a lot like that. The Dark Lord talks about how muggle borns are ruining the wizarding world and what the ministry is or isn’t doing, along with what they should or shouldn’t be doing. To be quite honest, Regulus doens’t give a single fuck about it. The meetings are all a waste of his time and only cause James to lose more of himself, which he would rather didn’t happen. 

Tonight though, they are meeting older and more important death eaters at Malfoy Manor. Regulus has been there before, his cousin is now a Malfoy after all. Narcissa doesn’t have the mark, but she’s as close to everything going on as someone can be without being fully devoted to the cause. Her sister, Bellatrix, is also going to be there tonight. She is one of the closest of the inner circle to the Dark Lord. He has absolutely no idea how she managed to situate herself at the head of everything, but it seems exactly like something she would do. Not that Regulus sees much of his cousins, but he knows them well enough from childhood. Knowing that she will be one of the people “training” him and James, brings the slightest bit of comfort. As much comfort as can be brought when the task will likely be some type of dark magic. 

“Okay.” James has barely spoken all day, but he answers now. 

Any time they have an assignment, James seems to begin dissociating earlier in the day. Regulus thinks it’s a way to keep himself from ever being fully aware of the things that they do. As much as it hurts to see James slip away at all, it really is for the best. There are some things, maybe nothing that they have done yet, but things they will be asked to do in the future that James won’t like. There will be things that he will be grateful he doesn’t remember doing. The one who won’t get that luxury is Regulus, because he will remember everything vividly. He also knows that he can’t let himself slip away for even a second simply because someone has to be there to bring James back, and he’s the only one who can. 

“Ready?” He asks, to which James nods. It’s more than he usually gets, telling him that he is more present than usual.

It’s hard to tell now whether that will be a good or a bad thing. 

Regulus apparates them to the Manor since he has been before and also because he has more strength than his boyfriend. No one is around when they land in the front garden. A small house elf opens the door for them and by the sound coming from an office a few doors down the hallway that Regulus distinctly recognizes as his cousin’s laugh, that is where they are meant to be. They walk hand in hand as they usually do, only dropping their grip when Regulus goes to knock on the door. No one grants them permission to enter, though Lucius simply opens the door for them. 

Their hopes that it would be a more informational night rather than tactful, are quickly rejected. Further into the room there are two people kneeling with their hands magically bound behind their backs. He has no idea who these people are or why they are here. It’s very possible that they have never done anything wrong, but just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s how these sorts of things go. He hates that he knows this, but it’s just the truth. Beside him James is barely paying attention, which is fine for now, but soon he will likely be asked to do something and he can’t be gone for that. As painful as it will be for him, he needs to stay present to avoid being hurt himself. Regulus manages to stay standing close enough to him to reach out one hand and link their pinkies together inconspicuously. Though Bella and Lucius are not the ones who would say anything about it to either of them should they see. He just doesn’t want anyone to see and take advantage of their relationship. It’s just for them, no one else has a right to know. 

“You made it baby cousin!” Bellatrix smiles deviously. 

“Bella.” He nods at her, not necessarily in the mood for a family reunion of any sorts at the moment. 

Regulus would much rather just get on with whatever they are going to be asked to do tonight and then get back home. That’s how most things like this go anyway. He and James arrive, get whatever it is over with, and then rush home as fast as they can. Even though James chose this life, that doesn’t mean he wants it to be his entire life. The less time they are actively with other death eaters, the less likely it is for James to slip away. 

He isn’t left to wonder what’s going on much longer. “You’re here to learn how we take care of people like this.” Lucius motions to the pair of adults kneeling. 

“What have they done?” James asks. He instantly regrets asking, Regulus is sure that he didn’t even mean for the words to leave his lips, but they did. 

“Oooh! He’s eager!” Bellatrix yells out. 

Eager isn’t exactly the word that Regulus would use to describe either of them right now. Eager to leave and have this done, perhaps. But definitely not eager to do whatever it is they’re about to do. 

“These two muggles are the parents of a witch. We have already dealt with her, but you two are here to help with them.” Lucius explains. 

The idea that pure bloods are inherently better and superior than all other wizards, is not something new to Regulus. He has grown up with the family motto of toujours pur, he knows all about purity. He also knows that the Dark Lord and all of his followers, well most of them, believe that all muggleborns, and even half bloods should not be part of the wizarding world and should not be able to hold any power. None of this is news to him. However, the idea that simple people who happened to have a child with magical ability are to be punished for that, makes him sick. 

Without warning, Lucius and Bellatrix simultaneously cast the cruciatus curse on each of the muggles in front of them. It doesn’t phase him as much as it should. He used to wince and flinch at the use of the curse, he used to feel its pain. Over time he learned that the more he reacted to it, the more his mother would use it. So he simply stopped allowing it to bother him. This is, of course, not the case for James. Their hands aren’t linked any more, but somehow Regulus can still feel him flinch. When he quickly looks out his periphery at James, his eyes are squeezed shut. 

He wants to scream, he wants to hold him, he wants to just tell him it’s all okay. Except the two muggles are silently struggling to scream on the ground in front of them. There must be a charm placed on them to silence them, for which Regulus is grateful. He knows the sounds coming from someone being crucioed. They aren’t pleasant, in fact they are quite alarming. 

Once Regulus woke in the middle of the night to screams. He knew instantly who they were coming from. Sirius. He can still hear those screams in his mind, though they are tightly locked away. Right now though, they have pushed their way to the front of his mind and he just wants to yell at his brain to shut up, he wants to turn it off entirely. Knowing what they are about to be asked to do, he really wants to shut everything off. It would make all of it easier. Except he can’t, because he has to be there for James. He has to be able to pull James back to himself after this, and he can’t do that if he isn’t himself. 

The curses last not even two minutes, but both of the muggles are slumped over on the ground barely moving. He’s sure that wasn’t the first time they were hit with it tonight. And it isn’t going to be the last. At least their screams remain muffled. He knows what it sounds like and he never wants James to know that sound. Especially not when it would be caused by him. They stand there in silence before Bellatrix comes around behind them, placing a hand on each of their shoulders. Regulus wishes he could say something to James, let him know that he’s here and that everything will be fine, but he can’t. Not in the presence of the others. That wouldn’t end well for any of them. 

“Your turn.” She says, her voice barely above a whisper, but laced with excitement. 

A lump has formed in Regulus’ throat and he swallows it down as best he can. He knows this curse, he knows the pain and torment it brings. The first time is always the worst though, so maybe that will be the case for these people too. They’ve already experienced it. When he has to cast the curse it won’t be as bad for them. They will be at least a little bit numb to it. Right? He does his best to convince himself that’s true. No matter how unlikely. It just makes it easier to stomach if that is true. 

The first time he encountered the curse was seeing it used when he was 9. Sirius was acting out, or honestly was probably just doing something that their mother didn’t like. Maybe he had made a mess or refused to listen to her a few too many times in one day. Regulus remembers the night vividly, but somehow none of the things that led up to it. He wasn’t meant to be there watching, but he wanted to make sure his big brother was okay. He had only turned ten a few months prior, and Regulus was freshly nine years old. 

Up until then, Walburga had other ways of punishing them. She would use other curses, other painful spells that would leave them just as hurt and broken. It wasn’t an everyday occurrence, simply because they wouldn’t want to have her shoot curses at their already open wounds that hadn’t healed yet. If one brother got in trouble, they would both lie low for a few days. Once Sirius turned ten though, that’s when their mother decided he was old enough for what she deemed “proper punishment”. To her that meant the cruciatus curse. It wasn’t until years later that he found out it’s one of the three unforgivable curses. To them, it was just an ordinary day. 

That night, Sirius screamed. It’s what caught Regulus’ attention. Any other time that he was punished, he would take it and return to his room without making a sound. This one was different, and quite frankly, it scared Regulus. That’s why he went running and ended up seeing what was happening. He could only stomach peering into their mother’s study for a few minutes. His big brother who was never scared of anything and never seemed to let anything get to him, was in pain and sounded terrified. He did his best that night to comfort Sirius when he crept back into his room, far later than usual and hours after he first screamed. He reluctantly told Regulus what had happened, though he already knew, and heeded him with a warning that he should be careful. 

Back then, Sirius knew that if Regulus listened to their parents it was simply to keep himself safe. Not that it always worked, because it was only a year or so later that Regulus first had the cruciatus curse used on him. But he did try, he has always tried to avoid punishment. It’s how he ended up here. Regulus listened to their parents and took the mark because he knew the alternative would be his ruin. 

Back then, Sirius understood that. Now though, he doesn’t seem to. 

“Oh little cousin!” Bellatrix says in a high pitched voice. “I said it was your turn, both of you!”

He only nods. For the first time since the muggles in front of them were cursed, Regulus turns to look at James. He looks utterly terrified. His eyes have gone wide and are perfectly alert. He isn’t in his usual haze, he’s hyper aware right now. This is the most present he has ever been while doing anything with death eaters. Except that isn’t exactly a good thing. He is petrified and is being asked to use an unforgivable. Regulus knows that he’s going to have to coax him into this, he has to get him to just do it, just get it over with. Maybe James doesn’t realize it, or maybe it’s why he’s so scared, because if he doesn’t crucio them, Bellatrix will likely crucio him. And Regulus isn’t going to let that happen. 

Luckily Bellatrix steps away and joins Lucius on the other side of the room. Watching and waiting for them to follow orders. Now is when James finally meets Regulus’ gaze and his eyes give everything away. He used to be able to hide his emotions better. Even when things were bad for him or he was hurting, he could keep a smile on his face and not let anyone know what was going on inside. Now it’s abundantly clear that he is panicking. Well, it’s at least clear to Regulus who knows him better than anyone else. 

“It’s okay, you’ll do it and get it over with and then we’ll go home.” He tries to soothe him. 

“I- I don’t know if I can.” he whispers, making sure that no one else can hear their conversation. 

“You can. It’s not that bad. Just think of it like any other spell.”

“Don’t you have to mean it with the unforgivables? I’ve read that they don’t work unless the intention is there. Reg, I can’t. I just can’t…”

That is true, unfortunately. Anyone can cast them, but it will be much harder without being an expert in dark magic or without true intention to cause harm to someone. That’s how he learned that no matter how much he tried, his mother would never love him. She had no issues using the cruciatus on him and Sirius. No mother should be able to do that to her sons without it tearing her apart, yet somehow she did. Somehow she meant it with every fiber of her being and maybe that’s why it hurt so much. The more intent, the more pain. Or maybe it was just because he was a child. 

Regardless, they both have to do it now. “Just try, Jamie. You have to.” He doesn’t want to tell him what will happen if he doesn’t. He doesn’t want James to know that pain. 

“Okay, yeah I can try.” James sounds completely defeated by the words leaving his mouth. 

No part of him wants to do it. Regulus isn’t even sure if he will be able to. Him or James. He has never used it before and he never intended to because no one that has experienced the torment brought on by the cruciatus wants to cause that for anyone else. Except maybe the person who used it on them in the first place. If Regulus is honest with himself, the only person he would willingly subject to that pain is his mother. And she would deserve it too. 

The first time James lifts his wand, nothing happens. He says the spell right, but no sparks, no light leave the tip of his wand. The muggles in front of them feel no pain. The intent isn’t there. James is probably scared of hurting them, and Regulus doesn’t know how to take that fear away. He has to if they’re going to make it out of here in one piece. Then it hits him. All that James can think about right now, is probably the pain that it causes. Except he hasn’t experienced it so his imagination is running wild and coming up with the worst case scenario. Right? Well Regulus knows how it feels, and James knows that he does. He can use that, he can work with that. 

“James, it doesn’t hurt them that bad.” He whispers. “I promise they won’t be in as much pain as you’re thinking. I- You know I’ve felt it before. Just trust me. Do you trust me?”

“Of course I trust you. You’re the only person I trust.” He wishes that wasn’t true, he wishes that James still had someone else that he could trust, because that is a lot of pressure on him. 

“Look at me. I’m here, I’m fine. Right? I’ve been crucioed and I’m still standing. It will be okay, come on. Let’s do it together, yeah?”

As he’s saying these things, his stomach is doing flips. He knows that it’s all a lie. James trusts him, yet he’s purposely lying and deceiving him. And for possibly the worst reason. He’s lying to get James to use an unforgivable curse. In the end it’s just to protect him. Isn’t it? Regulus has to believe that at least a little bit, or he would fall apart right now. 

Together they raise their wands and look at each other for reassurance. They are both looking for help, for permission, for a promise that after they do this, things won’t change for them. And of course they won’t. James said it best a bit more than a year ago. They’re in this together, they will do all of this together. Just them. They are together and nothing can change that. Not even this. 

“Crucio,” They say in unison. 

This time the people in front of them squirm and writhe on the ground. Still no screams come, and that’s the only good thing about this. They don’t have to hear the result of their actions. Across the room Bellatrix and Lucius look very pleased. Somewhat shocked as well. Neither of them thought that they would both follow through, he’s sure. In fact, Regulus wasn’t even sure that they would. He never wanted to use this curse, he never wanted James to use this curse. If things could have gone his way, he would never even have to witness the curse being used again. It still haunts him. Even if by the time he left home and stopped having it as a punishment, or when he no longer felt the full effects of it, no matter how long it lasted each time, he can still remember the first time he felt it. 

He was entirely alone the first time. Sirius was away at Hogwarts and all he wanted to do was write him a letter. When his mother found out that he was trying to use the owl to send something to his brother, well that was the last straw for her. It had only been a few weeks since they last saw each other over the Christmas holiday, but they were rarely allowed to talk. Not once Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor. Walburga put as much distance between them as she could. She wanted to keep Regulus pure and keep him from changing in the ways that Sirius had. They were just kids that wanted to spend time together. Up until Sirius had left, they were the best of friends, they would be together every second of the day and even through the night some nights. But once he was gone, Regulus felt so alone. 

All that he wanted was to write him a letter to say he missed him. The letter never got sent. Walburga caught him and tore apart the letter and dragged him down the hallway. First he was lectured about how he couldn’t be doing things like that, because Sirius was bad. Simply because of his sorting. Despite Sirius not being disowned yet, he was no longer her son nor his brother, she had told the very small and young Regulus. He never believed that. They would always be brothers. 

That night she used the cruciatus on him. He was already eleven, older than the first time Sirius experienced it. Because of that he tried to not scream, he tried to be stronger because he should have been stronger. He was old enough to be able to handle it. Except, he wasn’t prepared. Nothing could have prepared him for the pain. It wasn’t like any of the other curses she would use on him that left marks and gashes, no it was entirely internal. Nothing could soothe the pain. 

So, he screamed. Loud and for so long, even after the curse ended.

After that he never tried to send a letter to Sirius again. He started trying to be the absolute perfect son and do everything he was asked. It wasn’t that hard, he just had to obey obey obey. Yet he would still get punished for not doing enough or worst of all, because he was thinking of Sirius. His defenses in his mind weren’t strong enough then to keep Walburga out, she could still see all of his thoughts about how much he missed his big brother. So he had to get better at that too. He had to get better at a lot of things. One was to get better at not reacting to her curses. If he didn’t let them hurt him, if he didn’t show that he was in any pain, he thought she might stop. Except she didn’t. So he just had to endure. It was the only way to survive. 

Yet here he is, using that very same curse that haunts the deepest parts of his mind on muggles that did nothing wrong. It makes him feel sick, and he can’t even imagine what James is feeling right now beside him. After it’s been long enough that the older death eaters seem pleased, they both pull back their wands and watch as the two on the ground fall over. They might be unconscious, though from his vantage point he can’t tell for sure. 

“Very good, very good. I expected you to struggle more with it.” Lucius’ words are directed first at James. “Quite powerful too. You’ll be of use the next time, I’m sure.”  He says to Regulus, making his skin crawl. He doesn’t want to do this again.

“Is there anything else tonight?” He asks, just wanting to leave. 

“No cousin, you’re free to go.” 

As quickly as he can, he grabs hold of James’ arm and apparates them back to their flat. He can feel that James has already gone weak, his eyes are glazed over and he is barely standing up on his own. Regulus doesn’t know if this is because of using the curse or because he is slipping away. Sometimes dark magic can make wizards feel sick if they don’t use it often, which James very obviously does not. But he seems to just be gone. Regulus sits them down on the sofa and wraps an arm around him, pulling him in close. 

James reflexively leans his head on Regulus’ chest. He can feel that his breaths are slow and that he is only moments from entirely dissociating, if he hasn’t already. His eyes remain open and stare blankly at the wall across from them. He doesn’t blink, in fact he doesn't do anything at all. Something tells Regulus that this time is different, this time is worse than the other times that he has slipped away. There is nothing he can do right now to pull him back. He has to just let him fade away and hope that he will find his way back soon. 

All he can do right now is hold him. The love of his life is merely a shell of himself right now and Regulus simply feels lost. He runs his fingers through James’ hair and just holds him as tight as he can. He isn’t naive enough to think that physically holding him will keep him mentally present, but it brings him the slightest bit of comfort. That has to count for something. When he looks down at James, he is still staring, but a few tears have begun rolling slowly down his cheeks. His eyes are red and will soon be puffy. There’s nothing that he can do right now. He feels completely helpless and he fucking hates it. 

Later on in the night, James seems to still be awake, so Regulus doesn’t go to sleep either. Neither of them has said anything in hours. Eventually Regulus gets up from the sofa and readjusts James so he can lay on his side. He’ll come back to hold him again soon, but there’s some things that he needs to do first. Like get water for both of them, and maybe try to eat something. Those are not the most important things though. 

The most important thing he has to do right now is write a letter. He thinks, no he knows, that he’s going to need help with James like this. 

Nine Months Later

It’s taken months of planning and hiding and investigating. They both knew from the very start that if they could somehow find a way to take down the Dark Lord from the inside, they would. Neither of them believed in the cause, but they believed in each other. Regulus has always known how good James is, that he never wants anyone to be hurt, that he just wants to be okay but will make sure everyone else is okay first. It’s just who he is. Through all of this, he has proved that time and time again. As much as he isn’t himself anymore, he still is. James is still somewhere inside of him and he comes out every now and again. 

He was the one to first figure it out. Regulus hadn’t been paying attention to much of what was said during any death eater meetings. He was too focused on making sure James was alright. It was James who heard the subtle hints the Dark Lord made about his power, his invulnerability. He brought it up weeks later after he had connected the dots. Truth be told, Regulus has no idea how James did it. The word horcrux had never been said in the meetings, yet James knew it and was right. He figured out the way to stop the Dark Lord once and for all. 

All they have to do now is pull it off. 

It took longer than they expected to even figure out where it was being hidden. James’ invisibility cloak came into use quite a few times to allow them to overhear conversations only meant for the inner circle. Except that wasn’t even how they figured it out. In the end it was Kreacher. He was taken by the Dark Lord to help with something that supposedly he was needed for. When he returned, he could barely stand and never did tell them the full story of what had happened, but that didn’t matter. He was able to tell them that something was hidden in a cave and they could put together the rest of the dots. That was less than two weeks ago. 

Unfortunately in all of this time, they still have not figured out how to destroy a horcrux, but once they are in possession of it they can figure it out. It can’t be that hard. The thing is, horcruxes defy the one truth of the world. Everything lives and everything dies. At least everything is supposed to. But with a piece of one’s soul living separately from their body, they can’t truly die until that piece also dies. So there has to be a way to destroy it. Something has to be able to keep the balance of nature. It shouldn’t be that hard and together they will be able to do it. 

Tonight their plan goes into motion. Well, Regulus’ part of the plan at least. Originally they were both going to go to retrieve it. That was until they were sent on an assignment three days ago that ended with James in one of his hazes. He has started to come back to himself, but not enough to go to the cave. They don’t know what’s waiting for them and if James isn’t at his best, he should just stay home. When Kreacher went, he was only gone for a few hours. This will still be the longest that Regulus has left James on his own, but it’s better than having anything happen to him because he isn’t fully aware of his surroundings in this unknown location and situation. 

Regulus has spent all day with him in his arms. Coaxing him back to reality, making sure he’s present. It seemed rough and like his efforts would be useless this morning, but sometime around mid afternoon James smiled. Not his full smile, but a half one that lets Regulus know that he’s alright, that he’s coming back to himself. If he hadn’t gotten that, then maybe he would push off going for another day or so. They cooked dinner together tonight and it felt like any other night. Almost as if they were a normal couple and not in the middle of a war where they’re about to betray the leader of the side they are meant to be loyal to.

Before leaving, he checks in with James one last time. “You’ll be okay on your own right?”

“Go, it’s only a couple of hours. I’ll see you when you get back.” It’s the most he’s said in days, yet somehow it still sounds truthful. James doesn’t sound worried at all and that gives him the strength to go. 

“I love you.” Regulus pulls him into a gentle kiss. 

“I love you, forever.” James cheekily responds and then gives him another three quick kisses that say I love you again. 

And then he goes. 

Kreacher apparates them to a small island, he honestly has no idea where. It’s far from any other coastline, though it's dark and cloudy so maybe he just can’t see any land in the distance. They have to walk inside the cave from here. According to the house elf, apparition doesn’t work inside the cave. The Dark Lord must have placed various anti magic barriers on it all. All that Regulus has with him is his wand, a quill, a few scraps of parchment, and the fake locket they are going to replace the horcrux with. When Kreacher was last here, he got a good look at it and claims that the fake one matches it quite well, so there should be no problems. The point of the replacement is in case the Dark Lord comes back to check on it before he gets killed once and for all to make sure it’s safely hidden. Just in case it takes a long time to destroy, they need something to keep them safe. 

The parchment is for both the best case scenarios and the worst case. Possibly both. He absolutely wants to leave a note for the Dark Lord in case he does find it, just to rub it in that two teenagers figured him out and outsmarted him. Regulus also desperately needs a way to leave a note should things go awry. He can’t leave without a proper goodbye. The owl already took his other letter this morning, though he isn’t hopeful that it will be read. He just had to send it. James doesn’t know about his letters, so he sent it while he was still asleep. It’s better that he doesn’t know. He wouldn’t be able to handle the disappointment of never receiving one in return. 

Walking on the rocky ground isn’t something he’s used to, but he never slips. They landed not too far outside of the entrance, but the water is splashing up on the rocks so it’s a slow journey. When they finally duck their heads, well Regulus has to - Kreacher does not, they’re presented with a wall. To be fair, he had no idea what he was expecting. The house elf told him there was water, a potion, and that it’s very dark. That’s all. Though it makes sense that he couldn’t say much more, that’s pretty much all it ends up being. 

“Master Regulus,” Kreacher says and then motions pressing his hand against the wall. 

He attempts to copy his movements, but nothing happens. Then the house elf mimics slicing his hand and Regulus understands. Not by coincidence, there is a knife leaning against one of the stones. He picks it up and slices his palm, wincing only slightly at the sting of the remnants of salt water from the sea seeping into the cut. This time when he puts his palm against the wall, it begins to move, revealing an expansive cave. It looks even more daunting than he had been expecting. There is a very small island in the center that nearly looks made of crystal, surrounded by water that is so dark it could be black. 

The water has no current, it's entirely unmoving. From certain angles it almost doesn’t even look like water. As if he could just walk across it like it was an extension of the ground beneath his feet. Except he knows that he can’t, so there is no point attempting. If only this were that easy. Upon further examination of the cave as he wipes the blood from his hand off on one leg of his pants, he spots a small boat. 

“Kreacher, is that how we get to the center?” The house elf nods in response.

It’s a very small boat. But it’s a boat nonetheless. It will be able to get them to the island in the center and get them back across after. That’s why it’s here most likely. On the long ride across, with Kreacher forcing the boat to move through the dark glassy water, Regulus begins writing the letters. First, the one that will remain here in the cave for as long as it needs to and perhaps forever. 

To the Dark Lord, 

I may be dead long before you read this, if you ever do, but I want you to know that it was us who discovered your secret. We have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as we can. I face death in the hope that when you meet your match, you will be mortal once more. Should I make it out of here alive, we will ensure that you see your final days soon.

R.A.B. & J.F.P.

It hurts him to write this one. Regulus isn’t naive, he knows that this is dangerous. Anything that the Dark Lord does is dangerous. Perhaps more so when it comes to protecting a piece of his soul, the one thing that ensures he will never be without power. James knows these risks too, but they are confident in this mission. Not only does it have to be done if they want any chance of truly living a different life and not being death eaters for the rest of time, but if they don’t do it, then who will? The other side surely doesn’t know about the horcrux, otherwise it would be destroyed by now. 

So, Regulus is honest in his letter that he will leave here with the fake. He may die, but he may live. Either way, the horcrux will be in their possession and it will be destroyed. One way or another. 

The next letter is even harder to write. His stomach begins to do flips and he’s worried that he may run out of air, even though the world isn’t actually closing in on him. It’s been so long that it has just been James and Regulus, they are all each other has. For James to lose him would be detrimental. He has no idea what he would do, but Regulus does know what he would do if the roles were reversed. If he didn’t have James now, or even a year ago, he doesn’t think he would have made it this far. He’s the reason he wakes in the morning and breathes each day and carries on living. It’s the same for James with Regulus. This is a fact, simply because Regulus is the one who makes sure that he stays alive and alert, and brings him back from the edge every single time. 

Then again, as he’s writing this letter, he realizes that he is also the reason all of this has happened to James. Maybe that’s not the right wording. He isn’t the things that have happened to him, that’s something that James told Regulus years ago up in the astronomy tower. But it’s stuck with him and the same is true for James. He isn’t the things that have happened to him, but he is - at least a little bit - the choices he has made. And the choices he made were because of, or for, Regulus. This makes him feel even worse. If it weren’t for him, James would have gone along with the righteous, he would be on the better side of the war, or perhaps not in the war at all. If he wasn’t with Regulus, he wouldn’t be in pain all of the time. The thing is, even being in pain together is heaven compared to the idea of not being together.

My James,

If you’re reading this, well you know what’s happened. I’m sorry. For everything. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough when I was younger. If I knew then what I know now, I would have fought to get out, I would have run away before they could burn this mark into my skin. I would have done whatever it took to get to you and to get to Sirius. I’m sorry for that first, before anything else. That’s where it all started, isn’t it?

I’m also sorry that I let you follow me. You should never have done that. We could have made things work, you could have made things right with Sirius, you could have done so much. Instead you were stuck with me and had to deal with so much. For that I am sorry. 

Now, I’m sorry that I couldn’t get back to you. Before I left you said you would be alright on your own… Until I got back, you said. Except I’m not coming back now. I wish I could, I tried as hard as I could. I really did, I promise I did. This isn’t what I wanted, just know that, okay? 

I love you more than I ever thought possible. The first time I saw you, not when I was eleven, but the first time I really saw you at fifteen years old, this is not at all what I imagined. When I looked into your eyes that night in the astronomy tower, the stars in the night sky twinkled in the reflection of your glasses and I was gone. I knew that I wanted to love you for a long time, but I never thought that I would get the chance to. Most of all, I didn’t think I would ever get to be loved by you. I am lucky to have experienced the love that you bring to the world because it is immense and powerful and more than I ever deserved. 

Kreacher will explain what you need to do now to complete this mission, and I’m not going to waste any time writing that here. Just destroy it, however you can. 

What I need you to do now, is go to him. Go find Sirius as soon as you can. You need him, and I’m sure that he needs you. Please just go to him and ask for him to help you. I know it’s been so long, and we never even talk about him anymore, but go. Please. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for me, okay? 

I hope that I am writing this for no reason and one day we can look back at this letter and you’ll laugh at me for how dramatic it is. If you do read this without me, know that I am still with you always. Just look up at the night sky and find me, I’ll always be there. Should this be the last thing I say to you, I’m going to make it count. 

I love you. I love you. I love you. 

Forever yours,

R.A.B.

The boat moved very slow, or maybe they just remained sitting there until he had finished writing to James. The knot in his stomach only twists and grows. Writing what could be the last piece of him that James will ever know feels awful, but it’s something. He can’t leave him with nothing. After all that they have been through, he deserves more than Regulus can give him. James has to know to go to Sirius if anything goes wrong tonight. The thing is, Regulus is almost certain that if he didn’t explicitly say to do it, James never would. He would wallow on his own, he wouldn’t reach out for help, he would just accept things as they are. He would possibly entirely lose sight of himself and there would be no one there that could bring him back the way that Regulus can. James would just wither away. 

Silently he folds the longer letter into a neat square and writes James in a large cursive on the outside. “Kreacher, I need you to take this. Do not lose it. Okay? If anything happens to me tonight you are to bring this directly to James and make sure he reads it.”

“Whatever you say, Master Regulus. Kreacher will bring it to James.”

“Thank you. Now, what do I have to do here? Do you remember?”

In front of them on the small island is a basin filled with a deep grey potion. It’s definitely a dark magic potion, he can tell just from looking at it. Before the house elf answers him, he tries to dip his hand into the liquid to try and fish out what he believes to be the locket. Except his hand doesn’t cross the surface, he can’t grab what’s below. 

“Drink, you must drink it. Sir made Kreacher drink the whole thing.” Kreacher says with a shaky voice, seeming unnaturally scared of the potion. 

He wants to ask what will happen when he drinks it, but perhaps it’s better if he doesn't know. “Don’t let me stop until it’s gone. I don’t care what it does to me or what I say, I have to do this.”

The shell that is resting on the basin is able to break through the surface and scoop up the potion. After the first sip, he can already feel the effects. It burns as it slides down his throat, but he continues on. The second gulp is worse. Mostly because the first has settled into his stomach or in his bones or in his blood, he really can’t tell. By the third drink he feels like he’s dying. The basin is still over half full but he has to keep going. This is the only thing he can manage to think about. If any other thoughts try to enter his mind, Regulus would surely stop. His self preservation instincts would kick in and he would save himself from whatever fate this potion has in store for him just to make it back to James.  

After he passes the halfway point, he can’t stand any more. Regulus slumps to the ground and Kreacher begins to spoon feed him the rest of the potion. He thinks he tries to ask him to stop, or to help, but the words don’t come out right. So instead he just swallows it down, gulp after gulp, sip after sip. Until they reach the end. He doesn’t have the strength to stand up yet to see his accomplishment, he wouldn’t be able to even if he tried. 

At some point his vision went a bit hazy, likely due to the potion. He thinks he watches as Kreacher swaps out the lockets, leaving the note in the basin with the fake. But honestly he can’t be too sure. His hearing isn’t quite right either, a faint ringing has entered his ears too. A small hand, belonging to the house elf probably, tries to shake him, but he just falls to one side. The movement causes him to slide down to the edge of the island, foot barely scratching the surface of the water. 

Now that the potion is gone, he just wants to be home. He wants to be in James’ arms. The best he can have in this moment is that he wore one of James’ jumpers here tonight. The smell of his boyfriend tickles his senses and he feels like himself again for just a moment. He feels like he has the strength to stand up again for just a moment. Regulus squeezes his eyes shut in hopes that when he opens them, he will be back with James. For just one moment he even lets himself hope that when he returns, there will be a letter from Sirius waiting for him. Or better yet, his big brother finding him and wrapping him into a hug that he hasn’t felt for far too many years now. 

All for just a moment, Regulus has hope. 

Then a hand breaches the surface of the black water and latches onto his ankle.

Another digs its claws in, further up his leg. Then another and another and another. They keep coming up and scratching and clawing at him. Trying to pull him into the water. He wants to scream, but he doesn’t. Kreacher still stands above him out of the way of the claws, but he can’t help him. The hands pull and pull at him until his legs are fully submerged. 

Regulus doesn’t want to die, he doesn’t want to be pulled under, but he’s helpless. 

There’s nothing he can do to stop from being dragged down, down, down. Once all of him except his head is underwater, he realizes his fate is sealed. 

I’m sorry. I love you, James. He thinks. Back at home, maybe he can hear him.

The hands still have hold of him and pull at him, begging him to drown. Begging him to die. Begging him to become one of them. 

In his final moments above water, he looks to the top of the cave, wishing he could see the stars so that he could say goodbye to Sirius. Wishing his big brother could save him now. Wishing that things could have gone differently. 

Just before the water fills his lungs, Regulus manages to say one last thing. “I’m so sorry, big brother…” 

That night, one star fell, but shone brighter in the sky than ever before.