i regret you all the time

Fall 1976

This might just be the happiest James has ever been. He’s wearing his boyfriend’s jumper and practically skipping back from the astronomy tower. There’s nothing that could wipe the utterly cheesy grin from his face right now. It has been a few weeks, or honestly close to two months now that he thinks about it, of seeing Regulus and just about an hour of officially being boyfriends. It started very simple, and he was quite sure it would be the worst decision he ever made. 

All those nights ago, entirely by accident, he ran into Regulus in the astronomy tower. James couldn’t sleep and he thought that would be a good place to clear his head. He didn’t expect to see the younger brother of his best friend sitting in the corner. He had been curled in on himself, looking smaller than he ever had before. It looked like he had been trying to blend into the walls, like he was trying to hide from life. He clearly didn’t want to be seen, but James saw him more clearly than he ever had before. Possibly more clearly than anyone had ever seen him.

For so long he was just Sirius’ little brother, the one that still tried to do what their parents wanted. It took all of one night for James to see that wasn’t entirely true, that’s not all he was. He was scared, he was alone, and he just needed someone to care. Sirius did care, he probably still does, but he never showed it. Not outwardly. James could barely get any information about Regulus from his brother, which is why he had no idea what to expect that night. 

Once they started talking, once it was clear that James was there and wanted to talk to Regulus, for Regulus and not for Sirius, he opened up. Very slowly, and only a little bit at a time, but he did. He eventually, over the course of many nights, laid everything out. The good, the bad, and the ugly. The raw emotion he showed James pulled at his heart and made him fall in love quicker than he thought possible. He was head over heels for him before he even realized he was falling. 

James has always loved to love. Growing up in a loving home taught him that there is nothing better than loving. He knew, initially through Sirius, that the Black household was not like that. It’s not why he became friends with Sirius, but it’s why he would go out of his way to make sure Sirius knew what love and care felt like. Now, he wants nothing more than to do the same for Regulus. Possibly even more, at least in a different way. Sirius is his best friend, but James loves Regulus like it was the only thing he was meant to do in this life. It comes to him as easy as breathing. 

It’s very late, just as it always is when he returns to the dorm. Some nights someone else will still be awake, but that’s rare and usually only when he comes back on the earlier side. James will only have a few hours to sleep before he has to be up for breakfast, but he doesn’t mind. He would never sleep again if it meant he had more time to spend with Regulus. Especially since it’s hard for them to see each other during the day. Not only are they in different years, but the two brothers don’t exactly enjoy interacting. So James keeps his distance and keeps their relationship a secret. At least for now. 

All of the curtains are drawn around the three other beds when he creeps in, shedding his invisibility cloak at the door shuts. He climbs through the curtains of his bed and is met with a now illuminated wand. “Where have you been?”

“Couldn’t sleep, went for a walk.” 

“I saw you took the map… Did you not want us to know where you were?”

The accusation isn’t entirely false, but if any of them go out late they take the map. Not just him. “I didn’t want to get detention, just a precaution. What’s wrong, Padfoot? Why all the questions?”

“You’ve been out late every night for weeks. Are you sneaking around with someone? Come on, I’m your best friend, you have to tell me. Those are the rules.” His face twists into a frown that looks part real and part for show. The usual Black dramatics. 

One day James will tell him. One day he’ll tell him everything, but not until Regulus wants to. For now, he will keep it to himself. Which is fine, really. He likes that their relationship is theirs and no one else’s. No one has a right to know anything that goes on between them until they decide. James hopes that day will be soon, or at least that the day he can tell his best friends, comes soon. It’s unusual for him to keep secrets, but for Regulus it seems to be second nature. Maybe James will be able to rub off on him, get him to open up to more than just him. 

“It’s nothing. It’s late. I want to get some sleep. Okay?”

Without another word, Sirius climbs out of James’ bed. It doesn’t take long for him to fall asleep. When he closes his eyes, he is back in the astronomy tower holding Regulus. A smile spreads across his face and he drifts to a peaceful sleep. 

The inside of his brain is a tad bit messy. Messier than usual, that is. When he isn’t with his boyfriend, he’s thinking about him. When they are together, well James doesn’t have a single thought in his head. All he wants to do is talk to him (which he does every night), and talk about him, but that’s one thing can’t do. Sirius wouldn’t understand, at least not yet - he knows this. All James really wants is to be able to tell him before the holidays. He’s been trying to convince Regulus that doing that would be okay. It should be fine. It’s his best friend, and even if he is mad at first, he will come around. Being at home just the two of them for a week would be hard with this secret driving a wedge between them. 

“I wish we could walk around the halls together. We would be the hottest couple at Hogwarts.” He teases, but what he’s really doing is searching for a sign that things could change soon. 

Regulus leans into him and cocks his neck to look back at him. “You know we can’t. Even without Sirius to deal with, you know that. It’s more than that.”

It’s hard, but it’s true. Regulus can’t take that risk because of his family. James wants to get him out and will work on that in the spring term, he’s determined not to lose him ever. One day things will be good and they can be together out in the open and not worry at all about what anyone else thinks. Not today, and maybe not soon. But one day. 

“You’re right. But I just want to show you off, love. I want everyone to know that you are mine and I am yours. Is that too much?” He presses a soft kiss to his head. 

In one quick motion, Regulus pulls himself out of James’ grasp and sits across from him. His features are illuminated by the moon and the stars that shine from behind him, but all James can see is him. The night sky should be ashamed that it will never stand a chance against Regulus. No one and nothing will ever come close to being as beautiful. They can only dream. 

“Take off your jumper.”

“Oh? Reg, it’s cold and we’re outside. Anyone could come up, is now really the time? Not that I don’t want to, but is it a good idea? Maybe we should find somewhere more private like an empty classroom or-” He rambles, his mind scattered at the thought of what Regulus wants to do. 

“Not what I meant.” Regulus lifts his own jumper over his head and James can’t help staring. “Here take mine. Now give me yours.”

He’s a bit demanding and James won’t lie, he loves it. Quickly, he does as he is told and takes the black jumper with grey details that Regulus was previously wearing. It fits perfectly, because Regulus usually has oversized ones on and James is a bit bigger than him. Once it’s over his head, he can see Regulus has already slipped the red jumper on. James almost pouts that he can’t admire his boyfriend shirtless any longer, but seeing Regulus in his clothes will have to do. He’s never seen him in such a bright color and it’s a tad strange now, but the way it hangs off him, only a bit too big, makes James’ heart absolutely swoon. 

“Is this enough? I know I can’t give you everything, at least not yet, but now you can wear my jumper and it’s-”

“It’s enough. Gods Reg, anything you do is more than enough for me. No question about it. It’s perfect. You’re perfect.” James pulls him back into his arms and they exhale together. They’ve always breathed easier when they hold each other.

“I think that soon, you can tell Sirius. If you want to. Just know it won’t go over well. Be prepared for that.” He says, a hint of nervousness showing through.

“He’s my best friend, it’ll be fine. But I do want him to know, because I’m serious about us, this is real. Right?”

“It’s the most real thing I’ve ever felt.” Regulus whispers, and James knows it’s the truth. 

James doesn’t take the jumper off for a few days. Each night, Regulus makes fun of him for it, but he shows up to their spot in the red jumper, so he is just as bad. They are absolutely ridiculous, and James loves it. During the days it’s not cold enough to truly need one, but he doesn’t care. He’ll wear it at all times because it smells like Regulus and because it means something to him. 

His friends have started to notice. It isn’t really a problem, but they watch as he slips the same jumper on everyday and look at him confused. “Are you going to tell us why you have an attachment to this one piece of clothing?” 

“It’s nothing, Sirius. Really. I just like it, okay?”

“Come on, Pads. Lay off him alright? He’ll tell us when he’s ready if there is something to say.” Remus steps in, for which James is very grateful. The secret keeping, especially from Sirius, has been hard on him. “It’s just a jumper.”

“Who is she?” Sirius ignores Remus and comes to stand directly in front of James. 

“Who?”

“I know this isn’t yours. You just got it and Effie didn’t send it to you, so you must be seeing someone and this belongs to them. That’s where you’ve been going at night, isn’t it? Why won’t you just tell us? We are your friends, I am your best friend. Just- James be honest with us. With me. ” He pleads with a slight frown.

He doesn’t mean to snap, but it’s easier to do than to tell him the truth. At least in doing so, he isn’t breaking Regulus’ trust. “It’s none of your business. Why don’t you worry about yourself instead of me, yeah?” Before anyone can respond, he’s out the door, cloak and map in hand. 

Snapping at him wasn’t the right thing to do. It weighs heavy on his mind as he walks through the corridors. Even when he’s genuinely upset with Sirius, or the other way around, they never yell or have any real bitterness to their voices. He’ll apologize to him later, whole heartedly. It would have been better for James to do right away, but he was out the door too quickly to think it through. 

Tonight, Regulus is late. 

They have been meeting at the same time for months, but tonight he is late. Granted, he came up immediately following the argument, or whatever that was, with Sirius. So he’s early, but Regulus is still late. James doesn’t want to jump to any conclusions, but he got so used to the consistency that it makes him uneasy. Even if there’s nothing to worry about. He has the advantage of having the cloak so he can come undetected, but Regulus doesn't. He pulls the map out and checks just in case. He easily finds him and he’s not far away. It’s all fine, nothing to worry about. 

“Everything alright?” He asks the second he lays eyes on him.

“It’s fine. I just…” He breathes deeply and crosses the room to join James. “I was nervous. I know it’s stupid, but I was thinking earlier and I got nervous. I think I’m ready for you to tell Sirius.”

After his earlier conversation, this fills him with relief. Maybe snapping at Sirius will make this harder, but now he doesn’t have to hide it. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. I know it means a lot to you, and I want to do this for you. I don’t want to make you keep secrets from your friends.” 

The rest of the night, they talk about how James will tell him. How he will explain it all. It’s better for him to be honest than for Sirius to find out on his own. Even if it hurts him at first. Should he wait for morning, or should he tell him when he gets back tonight? Should he tell everyone at the same time, or just Sirius? James wants to be prepared for all of the ways this could go, except it’s so unknown that he and Regulus have literally no idea what is going to happen. 

“If he’s awake, I’ll tell him tonight. Get it over with and then things can get better sooner. Okay?”

“Yeah, James. That works. Just- Be careful. When Sirius gets upset he isn’t in a good headspace. He’s always been like that. I don’t want him to lash out and hurt you because of this.” The thought clearly makes Regulus anxious. “Try to keep him calm, that’s what I did when we were kids and he got angry with our parents.”

A lot of the time, James forgets that there was a time that they were close. A time when Sirius and Regulus leaned on each other for everything and were inseparable. A time when they would go to each other before anyone else. That was all before James, so he can’t really be blamed for forgetting it. 

Things are so different now between them, but Regulus still knows his brother. Everything Regulus warns about, James already knows. He has seen Sirius lash out, he has seen Sirius be cruel to his friends, and he’s seen him become a person James doesn’t recognize. He wants to do everything he can to keep that from happening. At least about this. Even if Sirius doesn’t like it at first, their relationship is a good thing, not something to get furious over. 

It would break him, he thinks. Not Sirius getting upset, because he’s already accepted that it will take him time to understand it all. It would break James if Sirius can never get past that. If he can’t be happy for James, who is so so so happy with Regulus. If he lashes out and hurts James, or hurts Regulus, well that would break James. All he wants is the support of his best friend. If roles were reversed, James would be happy for him before anything else. 

“Reg?” He waits for him to look at him. “I love you.”

“I love you too, James.” The immediate reciprocation genuinely surprises James, his chest is on fire. 

The walk back to the dorm is hard. They didn’t want to leave each other, they were so happy just being together and loving each other in secret. If they could stop time and stay like that forever, they probably would. All of it will all end in a matter of minutes. James knows this. He knows that for at least a period of time, it’s going to be hard and tense and he can’t stop that. As much as he wishes he could.

Part of him hopes that Sirius won’t be awake when he walks through the door. That way he could delay the inevitable for at least tonight. He could sleep happily, dreaming of the future with Regulus. 

He doesn’t get that satisfaction. 

There’s light coming from his own bed. James takes a deep breath and tries to quiet the pounding in his chest and the voice in his head telling him every little thing that could go wrong. Thinking about that won’t help. He wants to be thinking about the ways this could go well, or a universe where Sirius finds out about them and is happy for them.

“Prongs? Can we talk?” His voice is weak when the curtain opens. 

He nods and closes the curtain around them, placing a silencing spell as a precaution for the impending conversation. “I have something I want to talk to you about too.”

“Me first. I’m sorry about earlier. I know you’ll come to me when you’re ready to and I shouldn’t have pushed. I just hate there being secrets between us. You’re my best friend and I want to know everything going on with you and I want you to be happy and I want to be happy for you. Are we okay?”

This is not at all what he was expecting. Sirius has pushed him to talk before and it’s always just brushed off, neither of them caring much. But oh how much it means to him to hear those words. Especially right now. 

Sirius wants him to be happy, and he is. Sirius wants to be happy for him, maybe he could be. If it’s true, and that is truly what matters most to Sirius, then maybe they will be okay. Even with the addition of Regulus in the equation. 

“We’re okay, Pads. I know I’ve been keeping secrets, and I know you just want to know what’s going on with me. That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.”

His hands are shaking, but he tries to hide it. James is almost certain that if they weren’t speaking, the sound of his heart beating faster than ever before would be audible. He’s never been this nervous before. Not for any exams or for any quidditch matches. There’s a lot more riding on this. It’s Sirius and he doesn’t want this to drive a wedge between them. There was already so much tension between their group of friends at the end of last term and over the summer and when they arrived back. He can’t have it happen again, he isn’t sure that their friendship could survive another fight that big. 

When Sirius doesn’t say anything, James takes a deep breath and just goes for it. What else can he do? “I have been seeing someone, you were right. I don’t think words can describe how happy I am with them. I love them so much, I want you to know that, okay? I’m sorry I’ve been keeping it from you, but he asked me to. And I didn’t want to say anything until he was ready. I-”

“He?” 

“Er- yeah, Pads. He.” James pauses. This is it, this is the moment where things could go terribly wrong. He can only hope it doesn’t. “He is really important to me and I really love him. You just said you want me to be happy, and I am. Oh, I’m so happy.”

Across from him, Sirius’ expression contorts. He can’t figure out what it is, but it’s not entirely reassuring. It’s like Sirius already knows what he’s about to say and is just waiting for the words to leave his lips. Except, how would he know? There has never been a time that they could have been caught and the map has always been with James whenever they’re together. So, it’s unlikely that Sirius knows. Maybe he is just confused since James had never told anyone that he was interested in guys, which is fair, however he never said he wasn’t. And whose business is it anyway who James loves. That’s just for him. But here he is with so much weight riding on the reaction he will soon get from his best friend. 

His words hang thick in the air; Sirius clearly waiting for more to be said. 

“ He is Regulus.”

He couldn’t put it off any longer. He had to just get it out there. It’s for the best, otherwise it would eat at him. James has to at least know how Sirius feels about it, not that it would change anything between him and Regulus, but still. He has to know. Nothing is said after the words slip out. James is a bundle of anxiety, heart beating out of his chest and getting caught in his throat, and he’s pretty sure his ears have stopped working, considering the buzzing noise that has taken over. His nerves are at an all time high, and the way Sirius stares at him in shock doesn’t help at all. 

It should all be fine. Sirius said not even five minutes ago that he just wants James to be happy. Regulus makes him happy. In a perfect world, or even just a better world than they currently live in, that would be enough for Sirius to accept it. It would be possible for him to accept. In fact, in that better world, Sirius would be happy that his little brother has found someone that makes him happy and gives him a reason to try and live a better life. James can be that for him, in any world. 

Except that isn’t enough.

Maybe it will never be enough. 

“What do you mean, it’s Regulus ?” He says through gritted teeth, his breath catching as he says his brother’s name. 

James breathes deep before responding, trying to regain his usual confidence. “Regulus is my boyfriend. We’ve been together for a few weeks, but we have been getting closer for most of term.”

“You’ve been sneaking off to see him ? James, what the actual fuck? Do you know what you’re doing? He’s one of them . I would be shocked if they haven’t already burned that stupid mark onto his arm yet. Are you fucking kidding me? Is this your idea of a joke? For your sake I hope it-” 

He cuts him off before he can say any more. “Stop. Just stop. It’s not like that at all. You haven’t even said more than three words to him in months! You don’t know him. He isn’t like your parents, he doesn’t want to be like them. He is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known and maybe you would know that if you ever bothered to speak to him anymore. He would like that, he would rebuild a relationship with you. Not that you have ever made it seem like you want to, but he would. I know he would.”

It could be so easy. 

Now that James is with Regulus, the two brothers could bridge the gap that formed between them and find their way back to each other. James has no siblings, but he’s almost positive that there’s a bond between siblings that is strong enough to make it through anything. They can fix things, James wants them to fix things. He’s pretty sure they want to fix things. It would be good for both of them. He knows that he can’t force it, they have to do it of their own volition, but he thinks they can get there. He wants to help them get there. 

“He’s not like them? You have to be kidding. Don’t talk like you know everything about him. He’s my brother , I know damn well who he is. You can’t possibly think that dating him is going to end well. You’re so fucking stupid, do you know that? He’s going to be just like them and you’re going to fall for his charms and end up hurt. Not to mention you’ve been keeping this from me. That hurts too, just so you know.” 

His hope that things will be fine dwindles with every word that Sirius says. 

“It’s real, Sirius. I love him. I don’t know what to tell you, but I have never been happier. If you were really my best friend you would be happy for me.” The second those last words fall out, he regrets it. 

Sirius is his best friend, but his words hurt, so James should hurt him back. It’s only fair. 

Much too late, he realizes that is something that Regulus would have done, and he would have justified it for the same reason. James was meant to be the one to rub off on Regulus, not the other way around. But he’s hurt and hasn’t been hurt like this before, so this is how he defends himself. Somehow Regulus became a protector in his brain. The part that sees the alarms go off that things are wrong, that James is hurting, is now Regulus. And that part of his brain will do whatever it can to put up walls to protect him. It’s not like James knew how to respond in a different way. He never expected Sirius to do this to him.

“Oh. IF? If I’m your best friend? James, you're so blinded by whatever this is. You’re being naive. He’s going to hurt you. If he doesn’t already, he’s going to join the death eaters and leave you behind. I’m trying to stop you from getting hurt. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll stop seeing him.” Sirius bites back at him, but James doesn’t want to listen. 

He is not going to stop seeing Regulus. 

Perhaps Regulus was right for not wanting him to know. If he had never said anything to Sirius, then they would be fine right now. James would still be keeping secrets, but they wouldn’t be having this screaming match in the middle of the night. He’s never liked keeping things from his friends, but maybe he should have learned to live with that burden. 

“I’m not going to stop seeing him. I just thought you should know. I’m happy, Sirius. He’s happy to. Find it within yourself to be happy for us.” James leaves it at that. He doesn’t have the energy to fight, not when he knows the truth of it all. They’re happy and things are good, Sirius shouldn’t get the power to ruin that. 

“And I hope you get some sense knocked into you soon.”

The next morning, James doesn’t get out of bed. Not until the others are long gone. He kept the map under his pillow so that he could make sure they were gone. By now, Sirius has probably filled Remus and Peter in on it all. That doesn’t even bother him, they can know. Maybe they would even be happy for him. Happier than Sirius at least. 

After checking the map and seeing that all of them are in the Great Hall, James gets up and pulls on one of Regulus’ jumpers and very slowly gets ready for the day. He knows he’ll have to see Sirius in class, but they won’t talk. He has nothing to say to him right now. If anything, Sirius should apologize to him for screaming, for ruining his night, and for being a hypocrite about caring about james’ happiness. 

There’s a lot that he can think of that Sirius should apologize for. The only thing that James is sorry about is keeping secrets. Except, last night proved that he was right to keep it to himself; Regulus was right to not want Sirius finding out. 

His eyes scan the rest of the map until he lands on Regulus’ name. It hovers in the astronomy tower, with no one else in sight. Without thinking twice he runs there. Not a full sprint, but he makes his way to the tower faster than he ever has before. The only thing he wants right now is to hold Regulus, to be held by Regulus. When they’re in each other’s arms, nothing else matters. Nothing else could matter because they make each other happy and they can exist just the two of them. 

The world fades away around them every single moment they’re alone. 

Regulus is pacing when he arrives. It’s as if he never left since last night, but James knows he did. He checked to make sure he made it back to the dungeons before drifting off to a fitful sleep. 

“Hi.”

“Hi.” He smiles up at him and exhales all the anxiety previously present. “How did it go?”

James doesn’t want to talk about it. Instead he pulls Regulus in and just breathes. He feels instantly lighter. A blanket of safety falls around them. No one can hurt them here, no one can ruin what they have. Not when they were made to love each other the way they do. Not even Sirius could mess this up. All night his words echoed in James’ mind, but now he couldn’t tell you a single thing he said. 

“Can we not talk about that right now?” He can hear how weak the words come out, but it’s no use pretending he’s okay when Regulus knows he isn’t. 

He doesn’t question it. Regulus guides them over to the alcove in the tower and they sit leaning against each other. This isn’t how things with them normally go. James is never the one to need support, he’s the strong one. It’s what he’s always been and now being in the opposite position, he hates it. 

Sirius’ words come back and haunt his thoughts. Each thought about Regulus, of which there are many, now has an annoying comment from Sirius attached. James loves him, but Regulus doesn’t know how to love . He knows that Regulus is kind, but Sirius has seen him act like their parents . Regulus loves him, but one day he could leave and hurt him . 

James utterly hates all of these thoughts. They aren’t true, James knows this deep down. Except they’re in his head and won’t get out. Sirius has tainted all of the good things about Regulus in one night. All James wants now is to spend even more time with Regulus to go back over all of the lovely memories and fix them in his mind. To make them all shiny and new again, untouched by Sirius. 

“I love you.” Regulus whispers against his head. 

And that’s it. That’s all it takes for him to relax. That’s exactly what he needed to hear. He nearly forgot that they both said those three small, yet special words to each other for the first time last night. James almost let that memory slip away. Now it’s new and clean and free of pain. He needed that. 

“I love you.” He whispers back. 

As his mouth rests open at the end of those words, it grows salty. Tears had begun sliding down his face without him realizing. Regulus doesn’t notice, or at least he doesn’t say anything. He just holds him and tangles his fingers in his hair. The constant touch reminds him he’s okay, that Regulus is here and not going anywhere. If all he can have is this, he thinks that would be fine. At least Regulus cares about his happiness. 

After a long while of silence, aside from their breathing, James turns to look at him. Regulus wipes the tears from his cheeks and kisses him. 

“I told him.”

“I figured, we can talk about it later if you want. I’m sure we both have classes to get to.” 

“No, it’s okay. I um- I don’t really want to go today. I don’t want to see him.” It wasn’t until right now that James decided he was going to ditch class, but it’s for the better. 

He expects Regulus to say he told him so. That he knew it wouldn’t go well and that they should have kept it a secret. He doesn’t. “I’m sorry, baby. It will be okay. I’ve got you.”

They stay like that for much longer than they should. Both end up late for classes, James missing the first one entirely. He doesn’t care. He genuinely doesn’t have it in him to face Sirius yet. Not after Sirius essentially told him he doesn’t care about his happiness and is praying for the downfall of his relationship. 

For the past few years, even up until a few months ago, James would have said that the person who understands him most is Sirius. He would have said that with full confidence and knowing that it would be true for the rest of time. Except some things change. 

That was one of them. Now it’s the other brother who understands him, while Sirius is slowly starting to feel like a stranger to him. 

That’s the thing, isn’t it? It’s almost impossible to predict when friendships will end. Especially the ones that are meant to last a lifetime. 

December 1976

The rest of term is a blur. James is a ghost during the day. He and Sirius do a ridiculous dance to avoid talking directly to each other or ever being alone. It’s only a matter of time until they will have to talk, after all they’re going back to the same house for the holidays. Remus and Peter don’t mention any of it to James, but they try to keep things as normal as possible. It’s hard given all that has happened. They’re all uneasy and disjointed. It makes James sick. He misses his friends, he misses when he was happy. 

Not that he isn’t happy with Regulus, but that’s the only time he’s happy most days. 

Today they leave for the holidays and James waits to pack until everyone has left the dorm. He just wants to be alone. It works for a few minutes. 

Until he walks in. 

“Can we talk?”

“You haven’t said anything to me in weeks. What could you possibly have to say to me now, Sirius?” He simply doesn’t have the capacity for this right now.

“I want us to be okay again.” 

He’s so fucking infuriating. James wants that too, but the conditions that come with it are just not okay with him. Sirius has clearly shown he can’t accept that James is dating Regulus, so how can they carry on? It’s not just something they can ignore. Sure, they’ve been friends for over five years, but if Sirius is willing to throw it all away, then who is James to stop him? It’s not like he could even if he tried. 

“Are you saying that you’re okay with my relationship?” Not that he needs his permission, he doesn’t. It would be nice though. 

“I’m saying that I miss you, Prongs. Fucking hell it’s been horrible not talking to you.” Sirius slides down to sit on the floor next to the trunk that James is packing while avoiding answering the question. 

The thing is, he doesn’t even know what to say to that. Of course he misses Sirius too. How could he not? The summer after first year, the first time they were apart after becoming best friends, Sirius couldn’t write to him at all. His mother forbade it. Those two months without each other were absolute hell. When they saw each other again, they vowed to never go that long apart again. And they didn’t, until now. This past month, or well nearly a month, without speaking to each other, has quite frankly sucked. James just wants to talk to his best friend again. 

It shouldn’t be that easy but then again, that’s exactly why it’s so easy. Sirius is his best friend. “Alright. Yeah, you’re right. I miss you too, Padfoot.”

“I’m not happy about…. Well you know. But you’re my best friend and that is what matters to me. Let’s have a good Christmas.”

For a second, just a second, James can see a glimpse of a future where everything works out. He gets to keep Regulus and Sirius. He gets to keep both of them safe and happy and his. The future is uncertain, but he knows that all he wants is to have the people most important to him in his life. Nothing else matters, not even with a war looming. 

If it were a better world, he would live to see this future. James would get to have it all. 

He doesn’t let himself continue thinking about that future. It’s too good to be true, he knows this. A boy can dream though. 

After his trunk is packed, he glances at the map. They’re all meant to be on the train in an hour, but there’s still enough time for the one last thing he needs to do. Regulus is waiting for him since they won’t be able to talk on the train. As he stands up and rushes out of the room, Sirius almost follows him. He starts to, but James turns back and their shared look says it all. 

“I can’t stop you, can I?” James shakes his head, whatever semi truce Sirius has called would never stop him. “I’ll see you on the train I guess.” Sirius lets him go without another word. 

Maybe that’s a good sign. It’s a step in the right direction. At least he’s trying. 

When he makes it to the tower Regulus looks worried once again. Something James hasn’t seen in a while. “Are you alright?”

“Just not looking forward to going back.” He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. 

He knows that the Black house is not an enjoyable place. If James could take him away and back to his for the break, he would. It’s been made clear that isn’t an option, but that doesn’t mean he won’t try again one more time. Anything he can do to keep Regulus safe and happy, he’ll do in a heartbeat. No questions asked. 

“It’s only a week, then we’ll be back together. Try to enjoy Christmas and your birthday. We can celebrate when we get back here, okay?” James pulls him into his arms. 

Regulus buries his head in his shoulder and nods. He’s never this nervous. Normally he is calm and composed and sure of himself, at least for the most part. His demeanor tells James all he needs to know. This is not going to be a good break for Regulus. Which means that all James will be able to think about while in his warm and welcoming and loving home, is how much Regulus could be suffering across the country. He utterly hates it. 

Sirius hasn’t told him the full extent of what has happened to them at that house, but he can guess. He’s seen the half healed cuts and bruises. He tries not to think about it. Especially knowing that whatever he could imagine it’s like, it is most definitely worse. So he’s better off trying not to think about it. While James is home he plans to find the perfect gifts for Regulus. Something that will make him smile. Not just a fake smile, but something that will force a smile onto his face that he wouldn’t be able to hide even if he tried. Something that can bandage, if not heal, all of the pain he may face over the holiday. 

“I love you.” He pulls away to say. 

“I love you. It’s going to be okay. I’ve got you.” His reassurance doesn’t mean much, James knows this. But he will say it over and over again because it’s true. 

He loves Regulus, things will eventually be okay, and he is never letting him go. 

The train ride is uneventful seeing as James keeps mostly quiet. His friends around him are loud and excited for the break, while he is just worried. The hardest part of leaving is that James is going to have a lovely break and is so excited to see his parents. He’s even looking forward to spending time with Sirius again, he’s missed him. Yet he knows the whole time, in the back of his mind, all he will be able to think about is Regulus. 

Effie and Monty pick them up from the train station and they all floo back together after quick goodbyes to all of their friends. They have plans to all see each other in a few days and back at school in a week, so it isn’t a hard goodbye like leaving for the summer. James remains quiet, happily letting Sirius do all of the talking. His parents want to know about classes and quidditch and what they want to eat for dinner and how they are. Sirius could talk for ages, so he does. James doesn’t care to. 

“Sweetheart, is everything okay?” His mum pulls him aside. 

“Yeah, mum. Everything is fine.” She sees right through him, because of course she does, so he continues. “Things are a bit weird for Sirius and me right now. I don’t really want to talk about it.”

Eventually, one day in the far off future, James hopes to tell her everything. She would absolutely love to hear how he’s found a boyfriend and how happy he is. But she also cares about Sirius and knows the things that Sirius has told her about his family, Regulus included, even if he isn’t truly like them in the slightest. Right now she might not understand and that’s okay. No one but James and Regulus need to understand what they have. After all, their relationship is exactly that. It’s theirs. Just theirs.

“You can tell me anything, James. I’m here for you, but I do hope you boys will work it out. You’ve been inseparable for years, there’s nothing that could tear you apart for good.”

The thing is, that’s exactly what James used to think. 

Now he’s not too sure. 

The first night home, James spends most of it in his room. The only thing he wants to do is talk to Regulus, but he can’t. He almost writes him a letter, but knows he wouldn’t be able to send it. Walburga wouldn’t allow a letter from him into the house. Late into the night he longs to be in the astronomy tower. It’s been months of that being the ritual every single night. Even though they can’t be there together now, he hopes that Regulus is thinking about it too. He hopes that they’re both looking out at the night sky at the same time. 

His eyes flick across the sky searching for the constellations that Regulus taught him. After a few minutes, he realizes that the ones visible from his window aren’t the same view as the astronomy tower, so he gets up. He goes downstairs, ignoring his dad who he passes on the stairs and heads straight for the door to the back garden. Once outside, despite how cold it is, he feels better, warmer, safer . When he looks up now, it only takes one second for his eyes to find Regulus. 

“Hi, love. I miss you.” He whispers into the empty night. He stays out there looking up at the stars until it starts to snow and he can no longer feel his fingers. 

In the morning he sleeps in later than normal, but wakes to the smell of breakfast floating up the stairs to his room. He should go and eat with his family, he really has missed his parents. They are sitting around the table when he makes his way down, Sirius with his back to the doorway. At the sound of his footsteps, despite not being loud enough to truly draw attention, Sirius spins around and smiles at him. He hasn’t seen that look in far too long. This moment is how he decides he can and will really give it a go to make up with Sirius. It’s them, they have to be able to make it through. Maybe Effie was right. 

A world where Sirius and James aren’t together is unfathomable. 

“Morning Prongs!” 

“You’re never up before me, are you alright?” As he asks he fills his plate with a muffin and eggs and toast. 

“Just happy to be here. You know how much I miss Effie’s cooking when we’re at Hogwarts. Want to go into town today?” 

So they do. Once breakfast is over and they are thoroughly stuffed, they pile on layers and head out for the long walk. James had hoped one of his parents would offer or ask to join, but they didn't. This will be the longest they have been alone together in weeks, and he’s not necessarily looking forward to it. What will they even talk about? All James has on his mind is Regulus, and what he is up to, and if he’s safe, and if he’s keeping the peace with his parents. None of which are topics that Sirius cares to hear about. 

One day they’ll have to talk about it again because Regulus is in James’ life for good. He’s not going anywhere. It should be easier because they’re brothers, Sirius and Regulus. The way they each talk about the other, proves that they are and always will be. No amount of distance or tension should be capable of severing the bond they once cherished. James is sure of this, he’s also sure that both of them know it too. So why can’t Sirius admit it and just try ? 

“So…” James breaks the silence. 

“Can you help me pick out a Christmas present for Moony? I have no idea what to get him and even though he always says he’s not he can be so sentimental and he’s going to get me such a good gift, I can feel it. I have to beat him. Mine has to be better than his.” Sirius rambles. 

“It’s not a competition Pads, but yes of course I’ll help you.”

He will happily help him. Though his frustration bubbles under the surface. The way they can talk about Sirius’ boyfriend is how James wishes they could talk about his. They should be able to. Not that he needs the help for a present, but he wants nothing more right now than to be able to talk about these things with his best friend. Except he can’t so he just carries on as if it were last year and he had never gotten to know Regulus. 

It kills him. 

So much of him is taken up by Regulus at this point that pretending it’s any different uses up all his energy. 

“Oi, Prongs! Do you think he’d like this?” Sirius holds up a jumper.

“Moony has at least five that look exactly like that. I’m pretty sure two of those are already in your trunk. Get him something that you aren’t planning on stealing right back, Padfoot.” 

As they laugh and joke walking through the store, James is hit with how much he truly missed him. Sure he’s still been happy and he’s laughed plenty, but not like this. Not in the way that it doesn’t matter if they’re breathing by the time they stop laughing because when they’re together they will always breathe in sync. Not in the way that makes time feel frozen in place and causes all other thoughts to dissipate. It’s been too long. James needed this more than he knew.

“This. This has to be perfect, don’t you think?”

In front of them, Sirius points to a picture frame that has carvings of constellations on it and a moon, not a full one, but a crescent that is still enough to light up the sky but doesn’t have any of the bad connotations of a full moon and doesn’t take away from the stars that want their time to shine. It really is perfect, it’s something that James can see Sirius and Remus keeping for years to come. If he thinks really hard, he could see it belonging in a flat that the two of them share, with a picture of them as teenagers residing in it. It represents both of them and it is perfect. 

“Get it, you have to. He will love it.” James shows his support enthusiastically. 

Even after purchasing the frame for Remus, they continue to wander the shops. Sirius doesn’t say much, in fact he barely looks at anything else in the shop. At first James thinks they’re just killing time and Sirius is spacing out to avoid finding something he wants to get instead of the now deemed ‘perfect present’. It’s not until they’re there for an hour longer, still wandering the aisles aimlessly, having already looped around multiple times, that the thought even crosses his mind. 

Maybe this could be Sirius showing his support as best he can. He’s not looking at anything, but he’s staying so that James can look. He knows he isn’t going to find anything in this particular shop to get for Regulus, but Sirius doesn’t. James hopes that he is right and that this is silent support from Sirius. It means the world to him, so he chooses to believe it. Not that he would get that confirmation, at least not yet, but it still means something to him. 

When he suggests they head home, Sirius doesn’t protest. “Want to go flying for a bit?”

“‘Course I do. When have I ever turned down flying?”

“Think we could get Monty on a broom with us?” 

“Worth a shot, it’s always fun when dad joins us.” 

The rest of the day is spent in the air and they really do have fun. Monty joins for the first bit, but heads down to watch from the ground. He’s more out of practice with flying and claimed that he didn’t want to get so tired out that he forgets what he’s doing. James thinks that it’s Effie’s influence. They have never gotten her to join them in flying despite the fact that they have more than enough extra brooms lying around the house. 

On Christmas day they all open presents and spend the day lazing around in their pajamas. Plenty of new quidditch gear and paraphernalia lay under the tree, along with candy and chocolate and more random items than anyone could dream up. Neither boy needed anything new in particular, but they are more than happy and grateful to have new things to enjoy. 

The best part however, is watching Effie and Monty open the gifts that James got for them. His parents have done so much for him all his life, that whenever he gets the chance he wants to return the favor. This year he got them matching jumpers that he charmed to also be Gryffindor quidditch jerseys that they can wear to support him. Even if the thought seems a bit selfish, at least it could to an outsider, they absolutely adore them. James is the light of their lives, so supporting him has proven to be their favorite activity. 

As the day goes on and the four of them quiet down, James can’t help but let his mind wander. Regulus would be at the annual Black family Christmas dinner now, and it’s likely absolutely dreadful. If Regulus were here, he could easily fit on the sofa with James and they could lay in each other's arms or James would rest his head in Regulus’ lap. They would drink tea and laugh quietly and whisper to each other. It’s crazy how easily James can picture him here with them. If only he actually was. Maybe next year. 

The rest of the week carries on, but James only finds himself missing Regulus more. All of the hours he spends with Sirius during the day having fun, is another hour that he lays awake at night praying that Regulus is okay. There shouldn’t be anything for him to worry about, but the reason why is what makes James hate it more. Walburga cares more for the image of the family than anything, but having anything go wrong with her (now only) son matters more. They won’t hurt him, at least not beyond healing. It’s only a few more days before he will be back in his arms, then his worries will all be distant memories.

The last full day before the train back to school, everyone comes to the Potter’s. It’s tradition, at least for anyone who is able to, to come and celebrate over break. Effie adores hosting everyone and loves the chance to chat with all of James’ friends even more. He hates that it’s true, but it’s a breath of fresh air when everyone arrives. More people than just him and Sirius. Less pretending for him to do, less hiding. 

“Happy Christmas Prongs,” Remus says, pulling him into a hug as if they haven’t seen each other in months. James doesn’t say so, but he needed it. 

“How are your parents?” 

“Mam’s lovely, I missed her cooking. Dad was busy with work, but he’s good too. Nothing exciting really. How are…”

When he trails off, James knows what he’s asking. “It’s been fine, we’re okay. I think. I’m sure Padfoot will tell you, but it’s all been fine. Good.” 

James doesn’t go into any more detail, knowing that it would start something much bigger. He hasn’t talked to anyone, other than Sirius the one time, about Regulus. To be honest, he doesn’t know how to, or what he would say. Remus knows everything about Sirius, and knows that he hates it, so maybe he is inclined to hate it too. All he wants is some support and people to talk to about the important things in his life. It’s a shame that the important things to him are the things that are off limits with his best friend. 

“He’ll come around, I think. Just give it time, yeah?” 

“Sure, yeah. Drink?” If he can’t fully say what he wants, well then James would much rather have a drink in his hand. It’s easier than pretending. 

James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter all hang around recapping their breaks. Once again, Sirius does most of the talking as he did with Effie and Monty. This time no one questions it. The girls are due to arrive soon, and then it will be even busier. Meaning it will be easier for James to fade into the background and sneak out to look at the stars. 

When he tries to sneak out, he gets caught. “Prongs! Where are you going? Stay with us, please?” His voice starts out strong, but by the end his eyes are pleading. 

And well, James wants them to be okay again. So Regulus’ star will have to wait just for a bit longer tonight. 

There’s more to talk about with all of them, girls included. Everyone has fun stories from the past week and fun things they received for Christmas to show off. They had decided this year it would be easier for them to all head back to school from the same place, so the sitting room is littered with everyone’s belongings. 

The rest of the night is spent drinking and getting far too drunk for needing to take the train all the way up to Scotland tomorrow morning, but they don’t care. They’re all just happy to be together. With the tension between James and Sirius at the end of term, all of them haven’t spent much time together. It’s nice, and it’s welcome. Once they’re back at school, James is determined to be better at splitting his time between his friends and Regulus. One day they could come together, but that day is far off, if it’s even in the future during this life at all. 

January 1977

They don’t see each other on the train, but he expected as much. Across the great hall, James spots him with his head down. He thinks for a second he might be avoiding meeting his eyes, but it’s not just James he’s not looking at. He can see all of Regulus’ friends talking around him, but he’s not paying any attention. It’s like he’s not even there. The holiday must have been worse than he imagined. 

Before even going back to the dorm, James practically runs to the astronomy tower. The January air is much too cold, but he doesn’t care. He knows that Regulus will be here any second and he would rather be with him than be warm. While he waits he makes a mental note to find a new spot for them every night. Even if they can’t look out at the stars, they can still be together, and not freeze. 

“There you are, love.” James runs and meets him halfway, pulling him into his arms. One hand comes up to cradle the back of his head and lightly stroke his hair. “Shhhh, it’s okay. I’ve got you. You’re okay now. I’ve got you.”

Regulus sobs into his shoulder. The sound of him gasping for air, drowning in the tears flowing from his eyes, is one that James never wanted to hear. He doesn’t think he can breathe any more himself, not if Regulus is in this much pain. James would destroy the whole world to make them pay for whatever they did to him. He doesn’t deserve the pain that he is feeling. That’s another thing, James would take all of that pain and feel it himself, just to ensure that Regulus was okay. 

“What happened?”

“I don’t- can you just hold me a little longer? I don’t know if you’ll still want to when I tell you.” It comes out choked, but James will do anything for him, all he has to do is ask. 

They eventually pull apart, but James keeps one hand holding onto him, afraid to let him go. They shift to sit on the ground. As James goes to pull him in closer, Regulus shifts away. Only their hands remain locked together. “Reg?”

He takes a few deep breaths all while avoiding making eye contact. His hand is shaky, no matter how much James tries to steady him. In his hand, James can feel how ice cold his skin is. Despite having layers on, Regulus is shivering. The thing is, he never used to get cold, he never used to show so much emotion, he never used to be like this at all. James doesn’t love him any less, but he sure as hell worries a whole lot more. 

“I have to show you something.”

All James can do is wait for whatever it is. He hopes that it’s just a Christmas present. He knows it’s not. The next thing in his mind is that something terrible happened, that his mother or father did something unspeakable to him. That they tried to change him into something he isn’t. He can’t get any words out, everything gets stuck in his throat, so he just nods. Sirius’ words from months ago echo in his head once again. He wants to yell and scream at him to shut up, he can’t be right. 

Without letting their hands part, Regulus grabs the sleeve of his shirt on his left arm and pulls it up. James’ hand goes limp, but Regulus grips on even tighter as if not doing so would cause James to slip away from him entirely. He’s holding on for dear life. 

The thing is, James did let go, it’s only Regulus keeping them touching. 

He hasn’t even looked down at his arm yet, but he knows. James has heard stories and rumors about it all. Some of which came straight from Sirius. When he looks, he knows exactly what he will see. He doesn’t want it to change anything, he’ll do whatever he can to make sure it doesn’t change anything. Even if on principle it changes everything. 

“James? Jamie, please.” He begs, squeezing his hand even harder than before. 

“No…” The word slips out without his permission. It was a reflex more than anything, but it still is said. 

“Please, I can’t lose you. James, please. Please please please. Just look at me.” His eyes lock with Regulus’, but he still can’t look down at his arm. He won’t like what he sees, so at least now he can enjoy the untainted sight of his boyfriend. 

His boyfriend, who is now a death eater. 

James doesn’t love him any less. 

He wishes he had done it immediately, that he hadn’t hesitated at all. If he could go back, that’s one thing he would change about this moment. Once he does pull Regulus into his arms, they slot back into place easily. They fit together perfectly, no less perfectly even with the mark that now brandishes one of their arms. Regulus sighs into him with relief, just thankful that James didn’t go running. 

In all honesty, all James wants to do now is cry. Not because of Regulus, but for him. The pain of getting the mark is likely a lot, but the mental strain must be even worse. If only James could have protected him from this. 

“I‘ve got you, Reg. I told you, always. I love you, always. You’re okay, it’s okay.” He chants, to remind both of them that nothing has changed. 

He should care far more than he does, but James knows this wasn’t his choice. There probably was no choice for him to make, at least not one with a better option than this. The Regulus he knows, the real Regulus wouldn’t choose this. Sirius may be right about him having the mark, but that doesn’t mean he’s anything like them. He’s doing what he has to in order to survive, and James is grateful that he’s choosing to survive. 

“I don’t know what to do.”

James doesn’t know either. He doesn’t know where they go from here, but wherever and whatever it is, they will do it together. 

The next thing James wants to do, the thing he will focus all of his energy into now, is getting Regulus out. Making sure that he has a real choice. Giving him the chance to show everyone else the real him. The version of Regulus that has been almost entirely exclusive to the top of the astronomy tower and to James. The one that laughs and teaches James about the night sky and smiles without hiding it. Everyone deserves to see him for who he really is, and not just as someone with that mark on his arm. 

James doesn’t sleep that night. Eventually they have to go back to their dorms, being extra careful because he doesn’t have the cloak or the map. He’s half expecting the others to be awake and waiting to question him when he comes back, but they aren’t. Not even Sirius has anything to say to him, and he can’t lie, he’s grateful. It will be a while before he can face him again now that he’s right. It makes James sick to think about. It might just kill him. Now he has even more things that he has to lie about, but for Regulus he will. 

As he lay awake, he remembers that they all definitely looked at the map and know where he goes every night. James was already thinking about finding a new location for them, somewhere that can be just theirs, but now he knows that he has to. Part of him wants it to be somewhere the map can’t find him so he can stop looking over his shoulder every night waiting for someone to catch them. The other part of him just wants Sirius to continue pretending nothing is different. 

Maybe he was wrong. Maybe pretending everything is as it was around his friends is easier. Maybe that’s the only way he can keep from losing everything. 

Every time he closes his eyes, all he can see is the mark. It used to be Regulus that waited for him behind his eyelids and in his dreams. He would give anything to have that back. If he tries to sleep, nightmares would surely come. Instead of allowing them to take over his mind, James attempts to control them. He lets his mind sift through the possibilities of what it could come up with to torment him through the night. 

In one scenario, he slices the mark off of Regulus’ arm for him. He would make that come true if it didn’t mean he had to hurt the boy he loves. In another, they’re fighting on opposite sides of a battle. That sequence ends with Regulus having to send the fatal blow directly at James. He can nearly feel that pain laying in his bed. The last, and possibly the worst, is the vision that comes of Regulus getting the mark. James doesn’t know much at all about the logistics of it, but he tries to convince himself it’s painless. That it just appears there when a wand and spell are pointed at his arm. 

That’s not at all what it is, though James holds out hope that it isn’t painful, that Regulus wasn’t in any physical pain. 

The days go by and James does his best to focus on classes. When they are sitting together, Sirius talks to him, but he doesn’t know what to say. He’s worried that if he opens his mouth to say something, that the wrong thing will leave his lips and leave him regretting talking at all. So, for the most part he’s quiet. It’s something that absolutely everyone takes notice of. He has always been loud, his presence has always been known from the second he enters a room. Now though, he drifts like a ghost. He’s scared to do anything, he’s scared to even be seen. 

Two weeks into term, people start asking him what is going on. He has no clue how to answer that. James isn’t the one with the mark on his arm, but it’s all he can think about. An irrational part of his brain worries that everyone can already tell. Or that if they were to look at his arm, they would be able to know that Regulus has the mark. 

Regulus, his boyfriend, the love of his life, has the dark mark. He is a death eater. James reminds himself of this every morning. Not because he would otherwise forget, but in an effort to become more okay with it. To find out if there is a way it can all work out. 

There has to be.

James begins to find ways to blend into the background. If he sits in the common room, he remains tucked away in a corner where no one will notice him. In the library, he only sits at the table tucked behind multiple book stacks. When he really wants to get away though, he takes his broom and flies up to sit on the roof of the castle. No one will find him there, and that’s exactly why he does it. Most of the time, he wants to just talk to Regulus, to work out how to fix everything. When he can’t do that, he just wants the world to fade away. So he finds ways to escape as best he can. On good days, James is able to daydream enough that when he comes back to reality, it takes him a few minutes to remember the truth of it all. 

February 1977

Today, an unbearably cold day at the very beginning of February, James remains tucked away in the common room where no one would notice him if they weren’t looking hard. He watches as Sirius storms into Gryffindor tower and stomps up the stairs to the dormitory. A year ago, James would have followed him at lightning speed. Now, he remains frozen in his spot. It’s not until a few moments later that Remus comes down the stairs, spots him and signals for him to leave, that he understands what is happening. 

No one has to tell him what happened. It’s easy enough to deduce on his own.

Instead of following the one brother up the stairs, James runs through the castle until he reaches the door to the room that appears whenever they need it to. Behind the door, slumped against the wall is Regulus with tears in his eyes. 

“Sirius?” He asks, unsure what else to say. 

Regulus weakly nods. “He knows.”

It was never meant to happen. Sirius has no right to know, not when he will and already has contorted the truth. James just wants to smack some sense into him and get him to at least try and understand, but he won’t. It wouldn’t do any good for anyone. 

James’ breath is unsteady, he can’t seem to get it under control. On the ground in front of him, Regulus can’t either. It’s a secret neither of them wanted to get out, Regulus even more so than James. Now it’s out, and there’s no telling what Sirius will do or say. It makes his blood boil. He has rarely ever been furious with Sirius, but right now, he thinks he could genuinely hit him. Not because he knows, but because of what he likely said to Regulus. There’s no doubt in James’ mind that he made his own little brother feel smaller than ever before, made him feel like he doesn’t deserve anything good. The way he sits curled in a ball with tears streaming down his face with no end in sight, tells him everything he needs to know. 

“You don’t have to tell me what happened. I’m here and I love you, okay? I’ve got you.” He slides down next to him, but Regulus shies away. 

“I was just in the bathroom and then he came in. It- my arm was bothering me, I wanted to see if any healing spells or washing it or anything could fix it. It didn’t exactly hurt but it was I guess itchy. Sore maybe. Nothing really fixed it, I just wanted to try. I thought I had spelled the door locked, but it didn’t keep him out.” Regulus starts without hesitation. 

“Is that how he saw?”

He shakes his head. “No, he didn’t at first. I was quick with pulling my sleeve down. I had also managed to cast a glamour over it when I couldn’t stop the aching. Figured it would be better if I didn’t have to see it. Maybe I would think about it less.”

James has seen it a few times. It doesn’t bother him as much as it probably should. It’s just now part of the boy he loves. The thing is, James loves every part of Regulus, the good and the bad. This mark is something that he just has to accept. He knows that he plans to help him get out, but that won’t erase the mark from his skin. So he just has to live with it. For James that shouldn’t be hard. After all, he isn’t the one who is marked. Regulus however, doesn’t like seeing it, so he avoids letting James see it either. 

“When the door swung open, we locked eyes through the mirror. He- James, he looked frightened. Not angry. I thought for a second he maybe already knew, and was scared of me. Except that wasn’t what happened, he just didn’t know what to do when he saw me. I guess it’s fair because I didn’t know either. I know he’s your best friend and that you don’t want to lose that, so I thought that if I tried to at least say hello, it would be good.” Until saying those words, Regulus kept his head down looking at his hands which fidgeted in his lap. 

When he does look up, James can finally see the true pain that lies behind his eyes. The tears already gave it away, but the boy in front of him is broken. He doesn’t need to hear the rest of the events of the night to know that whatever Sirius did hurt. That Regulus’ own big brother caused this pain. It’s not right. James wants to run right back to the dormitory and scream at Sirius and make him feel all of the pain that Regulus is feeling. 

“Did you?”

Regulus nods. “He didn’t initially say anything back, so I decided to just leave. As I passed by him, he grabbed my arm.” At this, he rubs his left forearm gently, trying to soothe the dull ache that James is sure he can feel. “He was about to say something, I don’t know what, but before he could I winced. I shouldn’t have done that, fuck James, I basically told him when I reacted to his touch. It was so stupid of me.” 

“You’re not stupid, love. It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Instead of saying whatever he was going to, he shoved my sleeve up my arm. The glamour was there, but it wasn’t my best. It took him one try to remove it.”

All James wants to do is pull Regulus closer and hold him. To keep him away from everyone else in the world. It’s evident that no one else knows how to take care of him, that no one else knows how to treat him the way he deserves. If anyone should be trusted to be able to do that, it’s his own brother. Not that James is an expert on siblings, but brothers don’t do that. At least they shouldn’t.

Regulus doesn’t let James come any closer to him. He worries that if he tried to make the first move, that Regulus would retreat further. He’s learned over time that sometimes, even when he is in desperate need of comfort, Regulus can’t stand being touched. It’s gotten more and more frequent since coming back from the holiday. James thinks he knows why, and that only makes him hate it all more. If he doesn’t think he deserves comfort for what he is, for what happened to him, then he’s wrong. It’s all the more reason for James to comfort him and be a physical reminder that he is here and not going anywhere. 

“I tried to leave as fast as I could, but he held me there. He was so angry, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like that. Not even as kids. Not even when our parents hurt us. No, this made him angrier than I ever thought possible. He didn’t yell, but his words were harsh.”

“Don’t listen to anything he said, he doesn’t know what he’s saying. I’m going to yell at him for this, alright? Reg, he’s wrong. You are still the most wonderful person I know. I told you that the first night you showed me. I’m not going anywhere. You are still worthy of being loved and there is no one in the world that I would rather love.” James rushes to reassure him. He wants to do anything he can to erase the words Sirius said from Regulus’ brain and replace them with his own. 

“He told me I’m not his brother anymore.” 

At first, James doesn’t think he heard him properly. His voice was so quiet, so weak, perhaps he hadn’t said anything at all. 

Except they lock eyes and Regulus repeats himself. “James, he said I’m not his brother anymore. What do I even do with that?”

“Oh, Reg. Can I hold you?” Once permission is granted, James pulls him in. 

His fingers card through Regulus’ hair and the other hand strokes his back. Under his breath, with his mouth close to his ear, James says “I’ve got you.” over and over again. He doesn’t know what else to say, he just needs him to know that he’s not alone. 

Sirius’ words were cruel. Nothing should ever stop brothers from being brothers. Certainly not something out of his control. Regulus is still the same boy he was before having the mark. He’s still the same ten year old that Sirius told James about first year. He’s still the little kid that wanted to be like his big brother. He’s still the same boy that James fell in love with. He’s still Sirius’ brother, even if Sirius tries to say otherwise. 

What breaks James, is the fact that he can feel Regulus’ sobs. His tears wet James’ shoulder where his face is buried. Regulus’ chest heaves with each choked sob and each labored breath. It physically hurts James to need to hold him, but he knows that if he let go, it would break them both even further. As the tears continue coming from Regulus, they eventually start to fall from James’ eyes as well. He should be able to stay strong and grounded for him, but he can’t. Not when he’s holding the broken pieces of him in his arms. Not when he knows that Regulus’ entire world is crashing and burning around him. 

Except that’s all the more reason for James to try to hold himself together. One of them has to be strong. 

He lets his tears continue to fall, but he forces the sobs to remain in his throat. They will have plenty of time to break down, James is sure they will each have their moments. But right now he has to try to put Regulus back together. The least he can do is try. He is not going to let go of him. It would break them both more if James were the one to break their embrace first. It’s something James has picked up from his mum. Even if Effie is also upset, she will always give James comfort for as long as he needs. 

He thinks he can do the same, he wants to be strong enough to do the same for Regulus. Especially when there is no one else who can or will. 

Don’t get him wrong, he’s grateful that he doesn’t fully understand the gravity of what Sirius said because he’s an only child. He would break too if his only brother took that away from him. Based on the mess in his arms, Regulus seems like he’s missing part of him. And in a way he is. 

For his entire life, Regulus has had a brother and has been a brother. Sure, Sirius had a little more than a year on his own before he became a big brother, but they still had each other for most of their lives, if not the entire time. Even when they were barely talking, or barely even looking in the direction of the other, James is positive there was still a bond there between them. A gravitational pull that keeps them both breathing, that keeps them both whole. 

One without the other, just doesn’t make sense. They are brothers. 

Until they’re not. And Sirius took it upon himself to decide to end that. 

It isn’t fair. James knows it isn’t. He knows that a piece of Regulus, the piece that was Sirius, the piece that was who he is as a brother, is missing now. It’s drifting through space and Regulus seems to be searching for it. The moment those words left Sirius’ lips, that piece of each of them came untethered. Regulus could pull and pull and pull, but eventually he would reach the end of that tether, and Sirius will no longer be there. Just because he decided not to be. 

The entire thing makes James want to kick and scream and cry and… And he just wants to fix it. He wants to follow that piece of Regulus and connect it back to Sirius. It’s the only thing that could fix this. James feels helpless. In a way he is. This is a fight between brothers. And only the one who ended it can put them back together. 

He only hopes that Sirius will regret it and do something to fix it. 

He only hopes that it won’t be too late when Sirius does. 

Slowly, very slowly, Regulus starts to breathe more normally again. His chest is no longer heaving and the stream of tears has slowed. Though it hasn’t fully stopped. James doesn’t stop holding him close, he doesn’t stop reassuring him that he isn’t going anywhere. It’s the best he can do. It might be the only thing he can do.

“What do I do, James?” His voice is no more than a whisper.

“He’ll come back to you. You’re brothers. No matter what he says, that doesn’t change. He will always be your big brother.”

They stay there through most of the night. There’s a sofa on one side of the room, but they never move from the corner they are curled together in on the floor. Regulus’ eyes look heavy and eventually begin to droop shut. 

“Want to get some sleep? We can stay here until morning if you want.” James offers, though he knows they should both return to their dormitories. It would be much riskier to leave here while the castle is all awake. 

“I’ll go back.”

“Are you sure? I’d stay with you here.” It would be easier than facing Sirius right now, he doesn’t fully trust himself to say anything to him after tonight. 

He pushes himself up from the ground. “See you here tomorrow?” 

James squeezes his hand tight and pulls him in to kiss him lightly. “Of course. I’m not going anywhere, love.” 

Back in the dorm, he hesitates before opening the door. There’s no sound coming from the other side. It is quite late, but he can’t imagine they aren’t waiting for him. James knows that Sirius surely has plenty he wants to say to him. Whatever he has to say, James doesn’t care to hear. Not when he knows the full truth of the night. 

Regulus may be the one with the mark, but Sirius was the one to hurt him. 

He quietly pushes the door open, only to learn that it was silent because of a charm. 

“-ever comes back I’m going to-”

“Sirius, turn around…” Peter is wary. 

Sirius whips around and has pure anger coursing through his veins. “Oh, so you do still know your way back here. Where the hell were you? The map didn’t show anything. You better not have been with-”

“I was with Regulus. It doesn’t matter where. It’s late and I really do not have anything to say to you right now. So if you’re done, I’m going to bed.” James lies. He has plenty to say to him, but he doesn’t want to regret any of his words. 

“No. I’m not done. I don’t care what time it is, we’re talking. So I take it you already knew?”

James doesn’t answer. He knows that Sirius already knows the answer, and he’s sure Remus and Peter can both tell. Of course he knew. It’s been weeks of James trying to keep it all a secret, mainly because it isn’t his to share. The thing is, it shouldn’t matter whether he knew or not, but that seems to be what Sirius focuses on. 

“I- James, I don’t even know what to say to you. I’ve been ignoring how you slip out of here every night even though I know who you’re going to see. That was already too much for me. I was right, he’s one of them. And you are still seeing him? Don’t you care about me? Us? What he’s done? Do you really not see any of that? Besides, you have to willingly accept the mark. It doesn’t work otherwise. I bet he didn’t tell you that part.”

“I’ve known since we got back. You don’t know everything. You just make stupid fucking assumptions and accusations and refuse to listen to anyone else. Are you really so blinded by your hatred of your parents to see that they are the reason he has it? They made him get it. He doesn’t want it, he never has.”

“Prongs, mate. You have to admit it doesn’t look good. You know that, right?” Remus interjects, cutting Sirius off from saying anything. 

“Do you know what Sirius said to him tonight? Did he tell you that when he came back here throwing a fit?” He looks to his other two friends, who shake their heads. “He told Reg that they aren’t brothers anymore. He’s hurting, Sirius, he misses you and you just threw that in his face. I shouldn’t even be telling you this, but if it’s the only shot I have at getting through to you, then I know he’ll forgive me. He’s been in pain, he doesn’t want this, and you just had to cause him more pain.”

The room goes quiet, but James’ mind is loud and still screaming. They don’t understand what he’s saying and maybe they never will. That’s the thing, all it takes is someone to believe in you and see who you really are. James is that person for Regulus. But James’ friends aren’t interested in doing that. They don’t want to hear him out. So James is just screaming for no reason. He was naive for ever thinking it could work out. 

“You’re blinded by whatever you see in him. I don’t know how you could think there’s any good in him. I’m not sure there ever was.”

“You know that’s not true Sirius. First year you wouldn’t shut up about your little brother and how much you love him. You were so excited for us to all meet him.”

“He’s not my brother any more.” Sirius replies coldly. 

It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t hurt James any less after already knowing he said those words. In fact it hurts even more coming directly from his lips. He wants to explain it away by the fact that Sirius has always been impulsive, but he knows that’s not the reason for this. 

“He’s always going to be your brother.” 

Sirius looks at him with no light or warmth. “Not with that fucking mark on his arm he’s not.”

“I’m trying to help him, I’m going to get him out. Don’t you want that for him?”

He wants to beg and plead, but he doesn’t have it in him. James is moments away from tears flowing out of his eyes again. It’s not his fault that getting angry causes him to cry, but he can’t do that right now. He has to show Sirius that he means what he’s saying. If he cries, they could just twist his emotions to try and make him think that he’s crying because he’s lost Regulus. He knows that isn’t true, he knows that Regulus isn’t going anywhere and James isn’t either. James is a man of his word, and he would never go back on that, especially not when Regulus just needs someone on his side. 

Regulus is split in the middle of a war. Not just because his brother and boyfriend will eventually want to fight for the other side, but because he was pulled onto a side that he doesn’t believe in. He was forced to be on that side and he doesn’t have a clear way out. His choices were taken from him and he’s screaming into a void begging for help. James hears his cries, he sees the real him and he wants nothing more than to be able to help him. 

It would be easier if someone else would help too. Sirius should want to be that person, he should want to help his brother. If anyone should be able to hear the silent screams for help, it should be him. Aren’t brothers supposed to be connected like that? Can’t Sirius feel the pain that Regulus is in? It doesn’t make sense how he could maliciously hurt him even more, when it’s so blatantly clear that he’s struggling. 

Regulus is drowning and needs someone to pull him from the water, he needs someone to be a life raft. James is trying, oh he’s trying so hard. Except he might only be enough to be a beacon of light. What if he can’t pull Regulus to shore all on his own? He can guide him, but without help James could end up drowning with him. 

“You really saw that disgusting mark and continued to spend every night with him? I was trying to get past that you like my brother, but this? This might just be too much.” Sirius pushes past them all and goes into the bathroom. 

Standing there with Remus and Peter, it’s tense. He knows they are probably on Sirius’ side, but he wishes they weren’t. It’s not fair. They should all be on the same side. There’s someone who needs help, just the same way, if not more, than Sirius did not that long ago. James can see it, why can’t they? 

“James, are you alright?” Remus finally breaks the silence. 

He can feel himself almost reaching his breaking point. He had kept himself as together as possible all night with Regulus. If he wasn’t having this conversation right now, he would likely be tucked away in his bed letting himself break. Except he can’t. He doesn’t get that luxury, and maybe he doesn’t deserve it. He shouldn’t break down over this, he should stay strong and put the pieces back together. Someone has to.

Sirius and Regulus are like a puzzle to him. If he just tries hard enough and works at it long enough, he can figure it out. He can get the pieces to fit together. They’re puzzle pieces to the same puzzle, it shouldn’t be that hard. So why does it feel like he’s forcing two pieces together that don’t fit. Not long ago they did. The puzzle shouldn’t be able to change like that. It should all just work out. 

It’s not just when he’s upset or angry that James cries. It’s when he’s frustrated too. This time, with Sirius out of the room for the moment, he lets himself go. “No, Remus. I’m not alright.”

No matter what has happened tonight, his friends are still his friends. Remus wraps him in an embrace and lets him cry. He lets him know that he doesn’t have to be alright. “It’s been a hard night. It’s okay, James. It’s going to be okay.”

“You don’t know that.” No one knows what’s going to happen anymore. 

The other thing that’s been weighing on him since Sirius stormed out, is the fact that he might have just lost him for good. He doesn’t know if this is a fight they can come back from. It’s clear now to everyone else that James isn’t letting Regulus go. It’s not a thought that would ever cross his mind. He’s never been so certain about his love for anyone like this before. Except maybe the way he loves Sirius. His best friend, the person that he was going to have in his life for years to come. 

James doesn’t want to have to choose. He shouldn’t have to.

“It will be, Sirius just needs time.” 

“Do you think I’ve lost him?” He has to ask, he has to know if he needs to prepare himself for life without his best friend. 

No matter how angry he is with him, he’s still his best friend. That isn’t something he wants to ever change. 

“I don’t know.” It’s not the answer he wanted, but it’s better than a straight out yes. 

There has to be a way he can keep both of them. He doesn’t know how to, but he’s going to try. Tonight James found out the extent of his love can get past a lot. He’s been grappling with the fact that Regulus has the dark mark for so long now, but it still isn’t something that will make him give up on him. At this point there isn’t anything that would. 

James also knows that even when he is furious with Sirius, he can't imagine life without him by his side. They have always been a pair. The only way forward now, is one that splits James in two. And the thing is, he’ll tear himself apart for the people he loves. No question about it, he will let the two brothers pull him in opposite directions until there is nothing left. He just loves them more than anything and he isn’t willing to give up on either of them. Simple as that. 

He’s wary as he walks over to the bathroom door, his hand shakes as he reaches for the handle. “Sirius? Can I come in?”

James takes the silence as a yes, and slips inside. This whole fight shouldn’t have been in front of Remus and Peter, they shouldn’t have to take sides in this. There shouldn’t even be sides for them to take. If James wants any chance at fixing this, they have to talk. Alone and without yelling. 

“I just want to talk, I want us to be okay. I don’t want to lose you.” That should be a good start. 

“But you aren’t going to end things?”

“No, Pads. I’m not. I love him.” 

This could keep going in circles if he lets it. Sirius doesn’t want him with Regulus. James doesn’t want to - hecan’t - let go of either of them. So where’s the in between? What’s the solution? He could say more, he could try to get Sirius to see all of the good things about his brother, but he won’t. James is fully aware that it is a lost cause, at least right now. So he’ll do whatever he can to make sure that Sirius trusts him to know what he’s doing. Which he does, James can handle this. 

“Can I ask you something?” Sirius is hesitant and his hands fidget as he tries to breath and stay calm. At least he’s trying, James thinks. He’s grateful for that. 

“Anything.” He will give him whatever answers he wants, anything to make this end well. 

“You don’t have it too, right?” 

Oh . 

How could he think that? James wouldn’t. That would be the nail in the coffin. He knows that. If James got the mark, there would be no coming back from it. That would be how he loses Sirius, and likely everyone else, in the blink of an eye. 

“Of course not. I couldn’t do that, when would I have even gotten it? I was with you all of break and you see me constantly at school. Come on Pads, don’t be silly.” If he can play it off as a joke, then maybe they can find their way back to their usual rhythm. 

“I don’t know where you go at night…” It’s true, but James isn’t about to validate that. Maybe it doesn’t help that the room they’ve found this term isn’t on the map, but the trust between them should be stronger than that. “I just had to ask. I believe you.”

With that, James finally feels fresh air enter his lungs again. He can breathe, he can see straight. Sirius believes him, which means they’ll be alright. Right? They can be James and Sirius again. They can be okay. It may take a lot of work to keep that trust between them, but James will work for it. Sirius is worth it, he’s worth everything to him. As long as that trust remains between them, they can keep going. It’s not the end. Not even this fight turned into the end of the road. 

James just has to keep them from hitting a point of no return. He just doesn’t know what that point is. 

March 1977

It’s weird. The way things just seem to go back to normal after that. Everything is as it was before Sirius knew anything. At night James still goes to the room with Regulus, but during the day everything is fine. He goes to classes and jokes around with all of his friends. It’s refreshing. He didn’t realize how much he missed it until he finally had it back. 

Not to say he wouldn’t prefer being able to merge his days with his nights, because he would. But this is better than having to choose between the two. 

Sirius has been trying too, it’s not just James. They’re both putting in the effort with each other. Neither wants to let their friendship fizzle out. If they try, they can make it. Well, they’re sort of trying. They aren’t talking about the many things that sit between them or any of the fights they’ve had or any of the things they’ve said that hurt the other. That has the potential to put them right back where they were before, and James sure as hell doesn’t want that. 

The days bleed together for the most part. There’s quidditch practice, quite a lot of it as they get more into the term. They have plenty of work to do for all of their classes and even though it isn’t their OWL year or their NEWT year, they have countless hours they need to spend in the library. It isn’t bad, it takes up time. And time is exactly what James thinks they all need. After all, Remus said that’s what Sirius would need. He just isn’t sure how much time. The rest of his life can’t be spent pretending, but he isn’t the one who gets to decide when things will be fine or when Sirius will come to terms with it all. 

Towards the end of February, or maybe it’s already the beginning of March, James isn’t keeping track honestly, talk starts among them about throwing a party. It’s something they did plenty of times last year, but with everything going on this year, they just haven’t. James often isn’t up for it and he would rather spend his nights with Regulus than drinking in the common room. This time though, he can’t quite get out of it. 

“Both of your birthday’s are coming up, we have to throw a party.” Sirius says one evening in the Great Hall. 

“Not to mention we are at risk of losing our reputation. Everyone is starting to think we’ve lost our touch.” Peter admits, and they all know it’s true. It’s been ages since the four of them have been in sync enough to do anything. 

“Let’s do it for Remus, I don’t need a party.” In fact, he already has birthday plans even if it is weeks away. 

As a kid, James loved his birthday. Except it never needed to be special. He just enjoyed having a day to call his own. He was an only child and knew a few other kids around the neighborhood that would come around if he asked. It wasn’t even the presents he cared about. His parents were well off, so they always got him whatever he needed when he asked, not necessarily for a present. What he did love about his birthday, was using it as an excuse to see the people he loves and see them all having a good time. 

He knows that Sirius never liked his birthday much because he didn’t get to celebrate it as a kid. But he loves to throw the parties for the rest of them, so James usually lets him. It’s nice to see him so happy. This year though, he would rather spend it with his boyfriend who wouldn’t be at whatever party they would have. The whole time he would likely be missing him and wishing he were around to enjoy the night too. So, it’s already been decided that James is going to be selfish this year. He doesn’t want a party. That doesn’t mean they can’t have one for Remus, whose birthday is not even three weeks before his. 

“In between? We can still celebrate both of you!” 

“Yeah, alright Padfoot. Let’s do that.”

The following two weeks for Sirius are spent gathering supplies and drinks for the party. He tells just about everyone they ever talk to about it and is turning it into a much larger ordeal than anyone else thinks necessary. But it makes him happy, so James won’t say no. He knows that he has caused Sirius pain this year and he wants to stop doing that. Everyone is excited about it, so really it is a good thing. And what’s one night that James won’t be in his favorite place with his favorite person? He’ll understand. 

Just to be sure, he brings it up a few days before the party. “Reg? I won’t be able to come this Saturday.” 

“I figured, I heard whispers about some party going on.” He doesn’t seem bothered by it, but then again he doesn’t often show when he is. 

“I wish you could come.”

“I know, but we both know I’m not welcome.” James knows this. There’s far too many reasons he wouldn’t be welcome at the Gryffindor party. 

They don’t talk about it any more. They don’t talk about a lot of things. Sometimes James misses when they would tell each other everything. If that was ever true. He thinks that they did, at least he always did. James was never one to hide things from the people he cares most about, until Regulus. It’s not like they are keeping secrets from each other because if that were true, Regulus likely would have kept the mark a secret. Their relationship started with understanding, for which James is so grateful. If it hadn’t, Regulus might never have trusted him enough to show him without thinking he would leave. 

But in all honesty, their nights together are much quieter than they used to be. It’s too much for Regulus to talk about Sirius, or the mark, or his parents, so he doesn’t. James will never push him, but he makes sure it's always known that he will listen. All he can do is support Regulus. One day they’ll be together without all the messy complications and they will both be safe. It’s the only thing James has on his mind. It’s what gets him through it all. 

“We play each other in quidditch this week.” Regulus says to break the silence. 

“Get ready to lose.” James smirks at him.

Regulus pushes himself up from laying in James’ lap on the sofa and turns to face him. Lightly, he shoves him, though James catches himself before he falls off. “No chance. You’re going to get too distracted by me to score any points.” 

“You say this like you’ll be able to focus on the snitch when I’m also flying through the air.” James pulls him back in by his hips and kisses him warmly. 

“You’re ridiculous.” He replies into the kiss. It’s all in good fun, and it helps to keep their minds off of everything else.

When Saturday rolls around, he spots Regulus before the match and winks at him when no one else is looking. According to James, if anyone were to ask, he would say that’s what made Gryffindor win. No one does ask, and there is no one he can even tell that too, but he likes the thought. He would much rather Regulus have been focused on him than the snitch, or anything else swirling around in his mind. James likes that he’s a happy thought for him, that’s all he ever wants to be.

A sun shining on all of the darkest parts of Regulus. A guiding light when everything seems grim. 

They don’t get to see each other after the match, but James figured as much. He celebrates with the team before going back to the party that Sirius ensured was all set up. Now it’s a joint quidditch, Remus, and James celebration. Which is nice because it takes more attention off of him and onto the other members of the team that did just as much work as he did. 

“Have a drink, congrats on the match by the way.” Lily says to him shortly after he comes back down from changing in the dorm. 

“Thanks Lils. I need this.” He quickly downs the drink and reaches for another. Tonight will be a lot of pretending he’s enjoying himself, but he will do what he has to do. “Have you seen Sirius?”

“Over by the music. Said something about making sure the fourth year that’s keeping it going is playing good music or something. Are you guys alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re okay.” Right now he doesn’t even feel like it’s a lie. 

The rest of the party is fine, James does his best to enjoy himself. He talks to plenty of people, some he knows, some he doesn’t, but he does make an effort to spend time with all of his friends. With them he doesn’t have to fully put on the trademark James Potter smile and be the life of the party. With them he can let everyone else talk and just enjoy the night. As it gets later, he thinks about heading up to bed. The party is nowhere near done, but that doesn’t matter. He has places he would rather be, but can’t be. 

At the first sign of people leaving, James decides to as well. He scans the room to make sure none of his friends are watching him leave, and climbs the stairs to the dorm. He tried, he put in effort tonight, that has to count for something. It’s hard for him to pretend everything is fine around all of them sometimes. He’s doing his best, even if on the inside he still feels the wound that was left by nearly having to choose between his friends and Regulus. 

As he settles in on his bed, the door opens. “You left.” 

“Got tired. I played a whole quidditch match today.” It’s one of the reasons he came to bed. 

Sirius comes over and sits on the edge of the bed. He used to spend a lot of time on James’ bed. In their earlier Hogwarts years, they would sit up all night talking or James would comfort him after a bad day. It was routine for them. Never in a romantic way, but they would share James’ bed night after night simply because it brought them both comfort. Now it’s been months since Sirius so much as touched his bed and he looks out of place. He doesn’t settle into the spot that used to practically be his. He stays near the edge, as if he’s afraid to get too close. 

“So you’re not trying to sneak off?” 

“No, Sirius. I’m just going to bed. Is that alright?” James has to stop himself before he snaps or says something he’ll regret. 

The past few weeks of ignoring all that’s been left unsaid will eventually boil over, but he doesn’t want that right now. It’s been fine just leaving it be. He goes out at night and comes back before it’s too late so he can still get some sleep. And no one says anything to him about it. It’s easier than the alternative. If Sirius isn’t ready to really have that conversation, or ready to come to terms with James’ relationship with Regulus, then he would rather not talk about it at all. It’s not something he wants to fight over again. He just won’t do that. 

“Oh, right. Yeah okay.” He shifts awkwardly in his spot so that he’s barely on his bed anymore at all. 

“Is that all?” 

He pauses and his face drops a bit. “That’s all, James.” 

When James’ birthday comes around, he wakes up excited. It’s been a while since he has woken up in such a good mood, but he savors it. Normally when he wakes up early, he’ll get up and get ready for the day and head to breakfast early. Today he doesn’t. He just soaks in the morning sun that shines in through the window and smiles to himself. The other boys wake up not much after him. They each wish him a happy birthday as they move around the dorm like any other morning. 

It's a Sunday so they don't have anything they have to do at all for the day. The Great Hall is packed when they arrive, a bit later than usual, but they find their spot at the table. James quickly spots his owl swooping in with a parcel in tow that drops into his lap. It’s nothing special, but his parents sent him a small present and a note from each of them. 

“What did you get?” Peter asks as James tears into the parcel. 

He holds them up for his friends to see. “Just some new gloves for quidditch. My old ones were getting worn out.”

He never asks for much and is happy with just this. As much as he loves giving gifts to others, he isn’t bothered with whatever people get him. It could be as simple as a letter and he would be just as happy as being given something that costs a lot. It’s the thought that counts for him. As everyone around him talks, he silently reads the letters from first his mum, then his dad. They say the usual things, they love and miss him, they’re proud of him, and all of that. It’s really nothing special, but he’s happy to have them. He really does miss them when he’s away at school. 

Shortly after, a second letter drops in his lap from an owl he doesn’t recognize. It’s just a slip of parchment that is folded over and says his name on the outside. Before reading the note, he looks to see who it could be from, but it isn’t signed. James really has no idea who would be sending him anything, he doesn’t have any other family, and all of his friends are sitting around the table with him. 

James,

Happy birthday. I love you. See you tonight.

x

As he reads it, his mouth breaks out into a smile so wide. He knows it’s Regulus, of course it is. There really was no reason for him to send a note, but it means the world to him that he did anyway. It had already been decided when they would meet that night, as they do every night. Since there aren’t classes, James thinks he can sneak away earlier than usual. After all, he’s spending all day with his friends. The letter is only nine words, but he reads them over and over again, smiling to himself. 

“Who is it from?” Sirius asks, but refrains from reading over his shoulder. 

“It’s no one.” Lie. It’s the most important person. 

James can tell that Sirius already knows, but he’s thankful that he doesn’t press the subject. It’s for the best that they don’t talk about it. Neither of them so much as utter his name, let alone refer to Regulus as someone that exists with each other. It’s hard and James has to stop himself from saying so many things. He wants to just come back and gush about the sweet things that Regulus says to him in private or just talk about his relationship the same way all of his friends talk about theirs. But he can’t. So when he’s with anyone else, all of those amazing things and feelings and stories stay buried deep inside him, begging to be let out. 

The day moves quickly, maybe because James is quite looking forward to the night. He goes flying for a bit even if there isn’t an official practice, and mostly just spends time with all of his friends. When he returns to the dorm before dinner, the entire room is decorated with signs for his birthday and streamers hanging from every possible place on the ceiling and in between the beds. He has no idea when anyone managed to do this, seeing as he’s pretty sure he’s been with everyone throughout the entire day. It makes him smile nonetheless. 

“Happy birthday, Prongs!” The three boys yell as he walks in to see the full extent of decoration. 

“Thanks guys. Let me guess, you have a cake too?” 

Birthdays have become quite predictable after a few years together. None of them complain, it’s still just as fun each year. “We thought we’d have it at dinner. If that’s alright with you. Less to clean up here.” 

“That’s perfect Moony. Come on, let’s go. I’m starving.”

Dinner is delicious, as most Sunday dinners are. The cake is even more delicious. It’s double dark chocolate, and James just knows his friends got the house elves to make it special for him. There are frosting sunflowers on it that are way too much frosting for anyone to eat, but they stuff their faces anyway. Everyone in the vicinity of their spot at the table takes a piece, though cutting it is quite a messy process that Sirius bravely takes on. He ends up with chocolate frosting everywhere. He doesn’t seem to mind. 

When the crowd of Gryffindors wishing him a happy birthday starts to disperse, the four of them decide to head up to the dorm. It feels like old times. They make fun of how some of the girls a few years below were drooling over James just to say hi today, and as soon as that’s out of their system, Peter mentions that they’re actually quite pretty, and the laughter returns easily. 

Sirius brings up that they should work on planning a prank. According to him it’s been too tame all this year. Which, in terms of pranks, is true. In any other sense, their year has been anything but tame. There’s always a reason for pulling a prank though, so they spit ideas out at each other. Nothing sticks, so they agree to keep thinking before doing anything. It’s not late by any means, but as the clock ticks, James finds himself ready to go to his other birthday celebration waiting for him down the corridor. 

“Today has been great, really. I’ll uh- I’ll see you later.” James normally leaves without saying anything. Today however, the attention is all on him and it would be weird to try and just slip out, so he does. 

Quickly, to not prompt any further conversation about where he’s going, he grabs his cloak and slips out the door. No one tries to stop him or even says anything more to him. It’s easier this way. He slips the cloak over him just outside the door so he can move through the common room without being stopped. After a few minutes he makes it to the corridor with their room. The door appears as he arrives, as if it could see him coming. 

When he pushes the door open and slips the cloak off, Regulus is sitting on the sofa relaxed in front of him. He doesn’t hear James at first, so he stays as he is. James loves the sight of him like this, he looks at peace. He’s thinking, but not of anything that seems to torment him. There’s almost a subtle smile across his lips. James just wants to kiss him. 

“Hi love.” He catches his attention and Regulus’ smile goes from subtle to wide. 

“You’re earlier than you said.”

“Oh, well I was able to get away even sooner tonight. I just couldn’t wait to see you.” They slip into each other's arms and it’s perfect. 

“Happy birthday.”

All of the people that James has talked to today, all of the people who have wished him a happy birthday, no matter how heartfelt, don’t stand up against this. Just those two simple words mean so much more coming from Regulus here and now, than the most intricate display of celebration ever could. It’s the person that makes it special. As loud of a person as James is, he doesn’t truly care about things being a spectacle. He would much rather they have meaning. 

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” Before Regulus can respond to him, their lips are crashing together again. 

Most of the time their kisses are soft and gentle. It’s always been like that because James never wants to push any boundaries. He knows that Regulus is normally one to shy away from any affection or physical touch, so he never wants to push him. Even if James is feeling extra passionate, he keeps himself calm to match Regulus’ energy. Tonight however, Regulus pulls him in and is the one to catch James off guard. 

They move to sit on the sofa and Regulus climbs into James’ lap without breaking their kiss. It’s only kissing, nothing more. It grows in intensity, and well, Jmaes couldn’t ask for anything more. He lets Regulus take the lead and their mouths move together in perfect sync. Their bodies have always fit together perfectly and tonight is no exception. He would be happy just sitting and talking, though he isn’t complaining about the opportunity to make out with his boyfriend. Honestly, he couldn’t ask for a better birthday. 

“I love you. Hold on. I have something for you.” Regulus jumps from his lap and goes over to his bag on the other side of the sofa. 

He pulls out a small parcel. James isn’t sure what could be so small that it fits in it, but he doesn’t care. He would happily accept anything. Not that he was even expecting a present. For Christmas, and Regulus’ birthday, he gave him a snitch that he charmed. It had taken him a bit to work on it over the holiday, but he made it silver instead of gold, knowing that Regulus has always preferred silver. It doesn’t fly away like a normal one either. It hovers in place. Engraved on one side are their initials and a little note that reads I’ve got you , since James always says that to reassure him. He nearly cried when James gave it to him.

All that to say, James loves to give gifts but never expects the same in return. “Open it.” Regulus urges him.

He unwraps it delicately, though he is very eager to know what lays inside. Beneath the wrapping there’s a small black box. James can almost feel his hands begin to shake as he opens the box and sees the ring sitting inside. It’s a simple silver ring, that’s all. No matter how simple, his smile grows so wide. 

“Oh, Reg this is great. I love it, I really do.”

“Did you see what’s on it?”

At that, James pulls the ring out, but doesn’t see anything around it. Then he looks closer and sees that the inside is the special part. There are delicate stars lining most of it, but in one spot there is a break. It reads, I love you. - R.A.B. And well, James absolutely swoons. He doesn’t say anything, he isn’t sure his brain could come up with any words right now. Regulus grabs the ring and slips it onto James’ middle finger, where it fits perfectly. 

With just as much passion as before, James crashes their lips together and due to his excitement, ends up laying mostly on top of Regulus. Neither seem to mind, they happily both return to their earlier activities. James can feel the cold silver on his finger and feels utterly giddy. His hands knot in Regulus’ soft curls as they kiss, only ever pulling apart for a second at a time to breathe. He genuinely can’t think of a way he would rather spend his birthday. He got to enjoy cake and time with his friends earlier, which of course was nice. This however, is special and makes him happy. They could do this every single night and he would never tire of it. 

After all of the times that he has been scared he’s losing Regulus, after all that they’ve been through over the past few months, he can’t be faulted for enjoying every second of having him. Of course he enjoys being able to freely run his hands through Regulus’ hair, or up his chest, or linking their fingers together, or gently holding his cheek. All of the times he used to shy away from any form of touch, in the beginning, and after getting the mark, he’s just happy they are at a place of trust where he doesn’t do that anymore. At least not as often. 

James finally feels like he’s no longer at risk of losing anyone. He might actually be able to have it all. 

It wasn’t something they had talked about, though it’s quite a nice surprise when they drift off to sleep in each other’s arms. They never stay through the whole night, but James isn’t complaining about getting to hold him all night long. He’s seen Regulus tired, and sleepy, though never asleep. 

When he wakes in the morning, Regulus is still fast asleep. He almost expects there to be a slight frown on his face, at least that’s how James imagines he sleeps most of the time. There isn’t. The corners of Regulus’ mouth curve up ever so slightly and his eyes remain gently closed. He looks perfectly at peace. James doesn’t want to wake him, even if they should be heading back to their dorms soon. 

“James?” Regulus says, sleepiness still evident.

“I’ve got you, Reg. I’m right here.” He smooths his hands through his hair as he stays curled in his lap. 

“Is it morning?”

“Yeah, don’t worry I can sneak out and no one will see us.” He’s glad he has the cloak today.

They slowly move to get up, not wanting their perfect night to end. Though, they both know it has to. There are classes to attend and life to get back to. If it were up to either of them, they would stay in their own corner of the world together forever. Not letting anyone or anything touch them. But they don’t get to do that, and they have to go back to their daily lives. No matter how much they would rather not. 

It’s still quite early in the morning, no students are in the halls, so James does his best to sneak into the dorm and get into bed before the others wake up. This fails immediately. 

“Where the fuck have you been all night?” Sirius questions, less than a second after the door opens. 

“Lost track of time, fell asleep.” He dismisses the concern with a wave of his hand. They have been fine recently, he doesn’t want to cause a stir. 

“Did you leave Hogwarts? You weren’t on the map.”

James can feel the tension rising, and quite frankly, he doesn’t like it. Things have been fine, there is no reason for Sirius to be like this with him. He doesn’t normally stay out all night, but cut him some slack. It was one time, on his birthday. This is no reason for them to have a fight. So, why does it seem like Sirius is ready to rip his head off? He doesn’t just seem upset, he is absolutely fuming . There is practically smoke blowing from his ears in front of James, yet he can’t figure out why. 

“I’m not sure why it doesn’t show up on the map. What’s the problem, Pads?” 

“You know what the problem is.”

There’s so many things that could upset Sirius like this, but James thought they came to a truce on it all. Sirius has stopped bringing up how James shouldn’t be with Regulus, he’s stopped mentioning the mark, in fact they just carry on like none of it is even happening. Which is the best they can do for now. Eventually James hopes they could do more than that, even if it’s just him being able to mention his boyfriend, even if not by name. Something tells him that after this, he will never get that. 

Something tells him that there’s no going back to anything good after this. 

“No, Sirius. I really don’t know what the problem is.” 

“You turned 17 yesterday.” James only stares back, he has no idea what his birthday has to do with anything. 

He shifts on his feet, growing more and more uneasy by the second. Why can’t Sirius just say what he means? The crypticness is scaring him. The thing is, he’s not yelling. Sirius is staying at a normal volume, yet sounds so very cold. It almost reminds James of Regulus when they first started talking, or how Regulus is with people he doesn’t trust. Cold and guarded, almost bordering on cruel. 

“You turned 17 yesterday, and that means you’re of age.”

Then it hits him. 

Sirius doesn’t trust him. 

And oh… That hurts . 

James has trusted Sirius since the day they met. Maybe that was naive of him, but it’s true. He was always so sure that he could trust Sirius and that trust has almost never even so much as waivered. Not even after what happened last year. They all came back from that and still found a way to trust each other. So why is this where Sirius draws the line for James? Why is this what makes James no longer able to be trusted? 

How does he come back from this?

“Right, yeah. What about that?” He asks hoping for this to go another direction.

“Show me your arm.” Sirius demands without hesitating. 

His stomach drops. It feels like the floor drops from under him too. He can’t feel anything that’s happening other than the blow that Sirius just directed at him. His arm? Does Sirius really think he went and got the dark mark last night? Their bond is stronger than this, at least to James it is…. Was . It was stronger than this. Maybe it isn’t anymore. James was a fool for thinking that Sirius was okay with everything, or that he ever could be okay with it. 

All those nights ago, when Sirius said that he believed him… He didn’t. At least not fully. 

James feels like he’s going to be sick. Without responding, he pushes past Sirius to the bathroom and empties the contents of his stomach into the toilet. It’s been hours since he ate anything, there isn’t much left to throw up. It doesn’t stop him from doing it. Sirius, his best friend, thinks the absolute worst of him. He just wants to know when he stopped trusting him, when he decided that James wasn’t worth it anymore. The thing is, James is almost positive it was when he started seeing Regulus, and that makes it hurt even more. That’s when he felt the happiest. 

“James… Show me your arm.” He now stands in the doorway of the bathroom, looking over him, not offering any help. James isn’t sure when Sirius became like this, it’s not a version of his friend that he recognizes.

He coughs and wipes his mouth. “What the fuck Sirius?” He slowly pushes himself from the floor and moves to his bed, Sirius follows. 

He isn’t sure why he doesn’t just show him that his arm is bare. It would be very easy and quickly solve whatever argument Sirius decided to start. Except, that wouldn’t bring back the trust that’s now broken between them. It wouldn’t explain to James why this is all happening. It wouldn’t do anything other than indulge Sirius’ absurd claims, it would give him the satisfaction that James doesn’t feel like giving. He should do it, there isn’t anything to show, but he doesn’t want to. James is too busy in his head worrying over the lost trust between them and trying to piece together if there is a way for them to come back from this. 

The thing is, there isn’t. James isn’t even sure he wants that now.

Not after this. 

“James…” He follows him, his voice beginning to waiver more than before. 

When he looks up at Sirius, he can see how uneasy he is. His eyes give it away. He has always been able to void his eyes of emotion when he tries to, but when he lets the emotion slip through, it’s so easy to read. It’s as if he’s screaming out how he’s feeling, while remaining completely silent. James mastered reading his emotions years ago, though the skill has only become more honed as he realized that Regulus does the same thing. It’s terrifying. 

The next thing that happens is one that James would have never predicted in a million years. It’s just unfathomable. Sirius follows him onto his bed, keeping just a bit of distance between them. As soon as James looks back up at him, Sirius’ hand darts out and yanks up the sleeve to his left arm. 

There’s nothing there. Of course there isn’t. James wouldn’t get the mark, but then again, maybe having it would be easier than the betrayal he’s feeling right now. Maybe he should just have it since his friends already don’t trust him. Apparently to Sirius, dating Regulus, a death eater, is as good as actually having the mark himself. 

“Happy? You have to be fucking kidding, Sirius. Do you really think I would have the mark?” The words surprise him, not because he doesn’t mean the harshness in his voice, but because he didn’t think he would even be able to say anything in this moment. 

Now it’s Sirius who is speechless. He doesn’t go for the other arm, but James lifts that sleeve too. It’s out of spite. Just to prove him wrong. To rub in that Sirius is the one in the wrong here. Not James. He didn’t do anything wrong. Sure, maybe he broke some rules by staying out with his boyfriend all night, but he didn’t ruin a friendship with baseless accusations. 

He never thought anything could happen to his friendship with Sirius. It was everlasting. Until it isn’t. And now? 

Well now, there’s no coming back from this. 

“Fuck you, Sirius.” He spits out words that he never thought he would say with malice. 

“I- James… It just- It looked bad. You have to see that. I’ve been freaking out all night, you have to understand. I was terrified for you.” There’s no apology in his words, just pain. His eyes go wide, and James can see everything he’s thinking. 

Sirius knows there’s no coming back from this. 

An end to something never ending. Two people who were never without each other, will never be together again. Sirius&James now become Sirius. And. James. 

He wants to let the pain in, he wants to feel it. Right now he just feels numb. 

James has never been hurt like this before, he’s never lost anything to this degree. For most of his life, he always thought he was lucky. Really, he was just biding time. He learned from a young age that people die and people will lose the ones they love. He had friends as kids who only had one parent, or siblings who got sick, or grandparents who grew too old. That didn’t happen to him. He had two loving parents. He never knew his grandparents, so there was no love to grieve. When he turned 11 and first came to Hogwarts, he made the best friends he could ask for. There just was no one that James loved that left his life. He’s been very fortunate, until now. 

Now, he has no idea what to do. 

July 1977

James barely spoke for the rest of the school year. He could have tried with Remus and Peter, but he didn’t. What was the point if Sirius doesn’t trust him? It would have been okay if he put in the effort. Everything was poisoned from that moment on. There was no fixing it, even if he wanted to. He started spending all of his time in the secret room, whether Regulus was there or not. It was easier than facing his friends, if he could even call them his friends any more. 

No one really recognized him anymore, he wasn’t the James that everyone knew. That James died with his friendship with Sirius. He wasn’t the same if they were apart, so there was no point in trying to put on a show. In class he sat away from his friends, in the Great Hall he grabbed food and then left. The only times he had to talk to anyone was quidditch. He didn’t mind that because he still loves everyone on the team, he just refused to pretend he was always okay. 

What hurt the most was that no one checked in on him. He thought that Remus or Peter might. They heard it all, they had to know that Sirius was out of line. They let him distance himself, and after a certain point, maybe they just gave up hope that he would come back to them. He wasn’t going to, not when there was no trust left. James just found it easier to be on his own. Finally he understood how Regulus felt, why he kept to himself most of the time. Sometimes it really is easier than getting close to people that are only going to let you down.

Eventually it became easy. On his own, or even with Regulus, he didn’t have to put on a smile and fake it. He could just be himself and feel whatever emotions he was feeling without fear of being judged. No one was there to tell him he shouldn't feel like that or that he’s out of line. He no longer needed to be the strong and happy one. 

Sirius tried at first. He kept his distance for a few days, or well, James was never around. A week or so later, he started apologizing. It was too late. He hadn’t apologized in the moment, so why should James believe it after the fact? He took the time and realized how completely out of line he was and hated that he lost James. It was his fault though. Sirius could have stopped himself from saying it. If he hadn’t pulled at James’ sleeve, they could’ve gone on as they were. He had the ability to stop it all from happening, but he only pushed it forward and helped it to all gain momentum. He found a crack in their friendship and rather than helping to patch it up, he pushed on it until it broke. 

He didn’t just break their friendship. Sirius also broke James. He hasn’t felt entirely like himself since. 

There’s a piece missing. The same way a piece detached itself from Regulus when Sirius told him they weren’t brothers anymore. James never wanted to understand that as well as he now does. 

Coming home for the summer was something he dreaded. He would be stuck in his home with Sirius, who has long since stopped trying to mend things. His silent acceptance of it all shows James that there’s nothing to be fixed any more. There are too many things that shattered to have any hope at rebuilding. There’s just too much between them now. 

Before leaving, Regulus told him that he could come to him if he needed to over the summer. It would take a lot of explaining, or a lot of hiding, but he could if he needed to. If being around Sirius ever became too much, he could find comfort in Regulus, in the house that Sirius despises. James didn’t think he would take him up on it. He accepted that he would endure the summer and try to just enjoy his time with his parents as best he could. He would see Regulus when they got back to school.

That is until it became too much. 

Sirius was everywhere. He also took comfort in Effie and Monty, he was bouncing off the walls every day, he was… He was enjoying his summer holiday. That’s all James wanted to do, but seeing Sirius act so unbothered by it all, hurt him more. It took the knife and twisted it until he was bleeding again. 

James couldn’t even explain to his mum what had happened. He couldn’t tell her that they don’t speak any more because Sirius thought he became a death eater. He couldn’t tell her that his boyfriend is Regulus, who is a death eater. Worst of all, he couldn’t tell her that after everything, the easiest thing he can think to do is become one too. 

The mark has flickered in his dreams every single night since Sirius accused him of having it. It was there before, though less frequently, and mostly accompanied by Regulus. Now though, he sees it and isn’t frightened. If his once best friend thinks he would have that, why shouldn’t he? Maybe they are the only people who would accept him and trust him now. He hates himself for the thought, but only a little bit. He knows that it’s true. 

One hot day in mid July, the hottest day of the year, Sirius is unbearable. He’s loud and runs around the house and makes everything about him. When they were friends, James really didn’t mind. He was honestly usually right by his side. Now though, it just hurts. So little time has passed in comparison to how long they were best friends for. It shouldn’t be so easy for Sirius to pretend like he’s fine. James doesn’t understand how he isn’t hurting just as much. Then again, he knows that he can lock his emotions away and just carry on like everything is good. James wishes he could do it too. 

After dinner, he excuses himself and goes straight to his room. He doesn’t think through exactly what he’s planning to do, he just knows he needs to get out. He just needs some space to breathe. He only takes his wand with him when he apparates to Grimmauld Place. He hasn’t been here before, but he knows it well from stories from both brothers. It fits the image he had in his mind of it, just as daunting in person. It doesn’t take long for Regulus to spot him and help him up to his window. 

“Is everything okay?” he asks somewhat frantically.

“I just- I needed to get out. I feel like I’m constantly pretending. No one around me trusts me anymore, Reg. I don’t know what to do.” James does his best to keep from crying. 

He pulls him in and soothes him in a way only he can. Regulus’ hand strokes the back of his head and he thinks he can hear him whispering something to him. The thoughts in his head are too loud to fully make it out. If he had to guess, Regulus is likely saying “I’ve got you.” What a strange turn of events it all has been recently. 

James was never meant to be the one breaking down. James was never meant to be the one running away. 

He was supposed to get Regulus out, not the other way around. 

“Love, what can I do? What do you need me to do?” 

It’s going to tear him apart, he already knows it. The thing is, hasn’t he already been torn to shreds? There isn’t much left of him, at least not the James he used to be. The only person he truly has left, that he has never been scared of losing, is Regulus. He shouldn’t do it. He knows he shouldn’t. But who would stop him? Whose trust is left for him to break? Only his own, he thinks. No one else is relying on him anymore other than himself. 

“I don’t want to lose you.” He can’t get the words out, he doesn’t know how to say it. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to say it, even if it is the only way forward for him now. 

“What are you saying? I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here, Jamie. I’m right here.” 

“Ever. I don’t want to lose you, ever. I-”

“You aren’t going to.” Regulus seems to not know what James is thinking, and doesn’t know how to calm him down. He presses a kiss to his lips and maybe it shouldn’t solidify anything for James, but it does. 

He has always known that there could come a time that they would potentially have to go separate ways. It’s not something he would ever admit, but he knew that if he couldn’t succeed at getting Regulus out, he would be forced into the war. There would have likely come a time when James would have been brought into the opposite side of the war, but that wasn’t a choice he made. 

Now he’s making a choice. 

A choice to stay with Regulus. A choice for his future. A choice that no one else gets a say in. It’s his choice, and while it isn’t one he ever expected, he’s still making it. 

Now James is making a choice to get the dark mark. 

“I’m joining you.” He says with as much confidence as he can muster. James waits for recognition of what he’s saying to flicker across his eyes before adding, “If I can’t get you out, then I’m joining you. Now.”

Regulus just stares. “Are you- You’re saying you want this? You shouldn’t, James. Don’t do this, just don’t do this for me. Okay? I wouldn’t forgive myself.” 

He isn’t doing it for Regulus. It will keep them together, no matter what, but he is doing this for him. It may be fucked up, but it feels like the best choice he has. For months now, he has felt like no one trusts him anymore. This could be his only chance to get rid of that feeling. If his friends will never trust him again, even without the mark, he may as well get the mark and gain the trust of some others. It may not be rational, but there is no other future for him with his friends. Not anymore. 

“It’s not for you. We’ll do it all together, yeah? You and me.” He reaches out and grabs onto his hand, not for comfort, but for support. James might just fall over if he doesn’t hold on. 

“I don’t want you to regret it. I don’t want you to regret me…” Regulus whispers breathlessly, a glimmer of fear in his eyes. 

James takes a deep breath, deeper than ever before. He musters up all of the courage he has and makes eye contact with Regulus’ deep grey eyes. There’s sadness in them, worry, hurt, but he thinks he can also see a flicker of hope. That’s what James clings to. The hope for a future together, even if it isn’t the one he used to picture. At least there is still a future there. He lifts a hand to Regulus’ cheek and brushes the pad of him thumb over his cheek.

“I’m choosing this, Reg.”

“Now? Tonight?” His hand comes up and gently holds onto James’ wrist. Regulus stops fighting him on it, and James doesn’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. He only nods in response. 

Regulus leaves him in his room for a few minutes while he goes to do something or talk to someone. He’s not really sure what the process for this is, he has no idea what to expect. For now, he just anxiously sits on the bed and lets his eyes wander around the room. There aren’t many of the typical decorations to be expected in a teenage boy’s room. There’s bookcases that are full and a few old paintings that line the walls. It doesn’t feel like it’s Regulus’ room. He wonders if it ever did, or if this is how the room has always been. No wonder this house never felt like a home to either brother. 

He lets himself get lost in a daydream about their future. One where they have a house together, or perhaps a flat. Their room wouldn’t look like this at all. It would be brighter, but not too bright. The walls would be a warm color and there would be decorations on them that would make them both smile. He can almost picture it, but the only thing that matters is that it would feel like a home. Maybe they’re closer to having that than James thinks. It could all become very real for them soon. He savors the thought. It’s possibly one of the only good thoughts about what’s to come in the future. 

In their future home they would argue over who needs to do their laundry and whose turn it is to make dinner. James would always happily cook for them using his mum’s recipes. Even if Regulus left the room a mess and never folded their clothes, James would do it after they ate dinner and would hum as he picked everything up. He wouldn’t mind it one bit, even if Regulus called him ridiculous for falling for it every night. As long as it meant they were together at the end of the day. 

They would have a huge bookshelf like the one in Regulus’ room now, except it would be full of their favourite books and have vases of flowers from their garden as decoration between books. It wouldn’t feel dark and old like this one, no it would be bright and warm and perfect. Their entire home would be just that - a home. 

James knows that once he has the mark, there isn’t much to his future. At least he will still have Regulus. 

“Come on, we’re going.” Regulus stands in the doorway and breaks him from his thoughts. “Unless you’ve changed your mind. You can still do that, but this is your last chance.”

“No, I made my choice.” 

He wonders why Regulus still sounds cold. Around him, he’s usually warmer, more full of life. James doesn’t want that to go away, he wants to always be able to bring out the best in him. Even now, he has to still have that power. 

Now isn’t the time to worry about that. He can write it off as this is just how Regulus is at Grimmauld Place. That has to be it. It’s not James who has lost the warmth he carries with him everywhere. He’s just been overpowered by the Black house. 

They make their way downstairs and James tries to not look around too much. He doesn’t want to see more of this house. He knows the horrors that have happened within these walls. Except his eyes land on Sirius’ room. The door is locked, not that he tries to open it, but he knows that no one has gone in since he ran away. It’s obvious. There is dust on the door and the handle. In the back of his mind, he wonders if his room at home will ever be like that, if one day he’ll leave and never return. It haunts him because he never wants to leave his parents, but he may have to. If that’s the only way to protect them from what he’s doing, he’ll do it. 

“We have to floo to the manor where he is staying currently. I’ll go first, okay?” Regulus offers a weak smile and squeezes his hand. 

When he comes out of the floo, Regulus instantly grabs hold of him, not wanting to part from him at all. He’s grateful for it. He probably would have fallen over if not for him. His knees are weak and his stomach is doing flips. This was his choice, James knows that. There’s still time for him to turn back, but he won’t. 

This is the only way forward that he can see any more. 

The moment his friends, his best friend , lost trust in him, that was it. They took that from him and he can’t get it back. The thing is, James isn’t the one who ever betrayed their trust, Sirius only thought he had. It stings and fills James with a mix of anger and sadness. If that had never happened, if Sirius had just believed him, he wouldn’t be here. He’s losing everything that used to be important to him, all because of him. Everything in his mind is warped, he doesn’t like to think of what used to be good memories. Now they’re all stained and splattered with pain and regret. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Regulus asks again. He’s lost count how many times he’s asked. 

“I never told you this, but the morning after my birthday, Sirius grabbed my arm to see if I had gotten the mark when I was missing from the dorm the whole night.” The words just start pouring out of him. He hadn’t told Regulus why he stopped spending time with his friends. Part of him didn’t want to let Regulus hate Sirius for what happened. They’re still brothers, he shouldn’t have to see the worst parts of him. James doesn’t know why now is when he chooses to say all of this, but he does. “That’s why we don’t talk anymore. If he already thought I would get it then, what’s the harm in getting it now.” 

Regulus pulls him into his arms. It’s unexpected comfort, and probably more than he deserves right now. James just shrugs into it. He doesn’t feel like himself right now, his body isn’t his. Soon it won’t be anyway. 

“Oh, Jamie…”

The room they enter at the end of the hallway, which seems to take forever to walk to, is grand and dark. There are only a few people present, all of which have on masks that resemble skulls. Masks that James realizes he will soon wear too. Regulus doesn’t put his on, at least James will still be able to recognize him through this. 

Their hands drop from each other so as to not draw excess attention to them. Though, James Potter walking into the room draws enough attention on its own. No one would ever expect him to be here, but then again, he is a pureblood. He is dating a Black. What more would anyone expect from him? After all, his best friend thought as much.

“My Lord, he has come to accept the mark.” Regulus says as they approach the Dark Lord. 

He’s a fairly intimidating man, not because of how he looks, but because he has full command over the room around them. No one else speaks or moves. They could all be statues if James hadn’t seen them talking as they entered. Regulus can tell that James has no idea what is going on, so he easily takes the lead in all of this. It hits him then that Regulus has gone through this. He did this on his sixteenth birthday, younger than supposedly allowed. He knows what to expect. Maybe James should have asked him what would happen before they came. Now it’s too late. 

“Are you willing to come when you are called and do what is asked of you?”

When he’s spoken to, he somehow just knows how to respond. It’s strange. “Yes.”

“Are you willing to support me fully in ensuring the Wizarding World is pure?”

“Yes.”

“Will you accept my mark willingly?” His voice echoes through the room. 

James’ ears are ringing, he’s not sure he is fully present anymore. He just continues answering as if on auto pilot. “Y-yes.”

The Dark Lord stands above him and waits, though James doesn’t know what for. Maybe he missed a question, maybe he didn’t hear what he’s meant to do next. Regulus appears next to him again and helps out. He doesn’t say anything, likely because he shouldn’t. Not here, not now, not in front of these people. Instead he rolls up James’ sleeve of his left arm wordlessly. Once his forearm is visible, Regulus steps back out of view. 

He wishes that he kept hold of his hand through this.

When it comes, he isn’t ready. Nothing could have prepared him for it. The tip of his wand is placed against his arm, and that’s the last thing he registers. James doesn’t hear the words that are said, he doesn’t know what spell is used. All he knows is the excruciating pain he feels. It’s blinding. For some reason he didn’t expect that, it’s just a mark on his arm, it shouldn’t hurt. Then again, it was bothering Regulus weeks after he got it. Now there truly is no coming back from this. Is it always going to hurt, he wonders.  

His vision goes black for a second, or perhaps it's longer. When he opens his eyes again, the stinging is still there. He’s no longer standing, but instead is slumped over on the ground. No one caught him when he fell, not even his own hands. His vision is no longer black, but James doesn’t want to look down. He keeps his eyes up and looking at the room around him. It’s easier than looking down. 

Except his arm screams at him, the pain isn’t going away, it wants to be known, it wants to be seen. James hates it already. This isn’t him, but there is no him anymore. This isn’t James, but then again, it is. He made his choice. 

“Welcome, my son.” The Dark Lord smiles devilishly above him.

James almost thinks he’s going to reach out a hand to help him to his feet, but he doesn’t. He’s on his own now. 

“Thank you, my Lord.” The words come to him without having to think of them. They feel like poison on his tongue. 

In all his years, James has been able to keep his emotions to himself. He has always been the strong one, always the one that people could come to at any time for anything. He would always listen, no matter how he was feeling. James could have been having the worst day, but he would never show it. This comes naturally to him now, he’s able to keep from revealing how much pain he’s actually in. The tears that threaten to spill out of his eyes stay put. This isn’t the time or place to break down, that will just have to wait. 

Regulus manages to get them both back to his house, though James doesn’t register how. His mind is a wreck and he can’t see or hear anything past his thoughts. 

I have the mark. 

It hurts.

I’m a death eater.

I have the mark.

I have the mark. 

I have the mark. The mark. The mark. The mark. The markthemarkthemarkthemark. The mark hurts. It hurts so badly. I’m in pain. I have the dark mark and it hurts. I’m a death eater. A death eater. Death. Eater. A death eater. deatheaterdeatheaterdeatheater. darkmarkdarkmarkdarkmark. I am a death eater now.

“James? James!” Regulus holds him tightly and chants his name until he returns from his thoughts. “James are you alright?”

“Fuck.” It’s the only thing he can manage to say. It all hurts so much, and now he doesn’t stop the tears. 

The worst part is that it’s not just physical pain. That he could handle, that he could treat or attempt to heal, or take a potion to deal with. Of course he is in excruciating pain, but it’s the mental pain that makes it all hurt just that much more. He’s not himself anymore. Nothing makes sense in his head right now. Everything he used to know, used to have, used to love, used to be, is ruined. The memories hurt ten times worse now and he can’t do anything to fix them. He’ll never be able to do anything to fix them again.

“I’ve got you, James. I’m here. I’m sorry, baby. It’s okay, I’ve got you.” Regulus holds him as they sit in his bed and he strokes James’ back. 

He’s here. Regulus is still here. James didn’t lose Regulus. Even now, he still has him. That’s all he can hold onto. It’s the only thing he has anymore. He’ll cling to Regulus for the rest of time. In his arms the pain dulls. His arm is no longer throbbing and James doesn’t know if he did something to help, or if he’s just that magical. His arm aches, but it’s not the same searing pain he felt when the wand was pressed to it. 

James still hasn’t looked at it. 

“Reg?”

“What is it?” He’s frantic, ready to do anything James asks. 

“You won’t leave me, right?”

“Never. I’m not going anywhere. Okay? I’ve got you. Jamie, I’ve got you.”

It means the world to him, hearing those words. James needed that. He used to be the one reminding Regulus of that, but now he’s the one who will desperately cling to those words. He’s the one losing everything. Well, everything other than Regulus. At least they have each other. Maybe that’s worth it. If he was already losing everything else he ever loved, then getting to keep Regulus is enough. It has to be at this point. This path may be full of pain, but it’s also the path to a life with Regulus. 

And well, a life with Regulus, even one full of pain, sounds like heaven to James. 

He goes to scratch at his arm, and instantly regrets it. The pain returns two fold. His sleeve is pulled over it, but that doesn’t block anything. He can feel it intensely and knows that he has to look at it. It’s not something he can avoid forever, though he wishes he could. As he goes to pull up his sleeve, his hand shakes. Regulus doesn’t stop him, he knows he has to do this. He remains by his side and keeps one hand on James in an attempt to soothe him, though they both know it won’t help. 

Once his sleeve is up, James opens his eyes and looks down. 

Not even a second later, he is leaning over the side of the bed throwing up. 

He shouldn’t feel like this, right? If this was the right thing shouldn’t he feel okay? Then again, maybe this is how things will be from now on. He might never be able to look at himself in the mirror again. He’ll always wear long sleeves to hide this part of himself. He’ll avoid the stares from people around him out of fear that they somehow know his secret. 

One thing is for certain, he’s not the same James that he used to be. 

At least he still has Regulus. After all this, they won’t ever leave each other. They have bared their souls to each other and know the darkest parts of the other’s mind. Perhaps they were the only ones to truly understand. In the beginning, things were so easy, they just clicked. Maybe this was why. 

When his stomach settles, he grabs hold of Regulus as tight as he can. He makes him feel grounded, even if there is no ground for either of them to stand on anymore. With him, James doesn’t feel so alone. If he holds on tight enough to Regulus he can keep himself from slipping away. He can keep the parts of himself that he has always loved, he can still be the shining James Potter he always has been. He just has to try. 

For so long he was scared of losing Regulus. Now he’s just scared of losing himself. 

The morning sun shines in through the window. James isn’t sure if he fell asleep or just lost time. He looks up to find Regulus with his arms wrapped around him, holding him tight, wide awake. It’s clear that he didn’t sleep at all, he stayed up all night watching over James. 

“Hi.” He whispers, voice hoarse. 

“Hi.”

James notices that his cheeks are tight from residual tears. He doesn’t know when he cried, but it’s evident that he did. The lost time scares him. It makes him feel like he’s floating and out of control. Which, maybe he is. There has to be a way for him to stop that from happening, he doesn’t want to lose himself. Especially now, he has to hold on to life around him as best he can. If he loses too much of himself, he doesn’t know what he’ll do. 

“I don’t remember much of last night.”

Regulus cards his fingers through James’ messy hair. “It’s okay, you’re okay. Do you want to go home?” 

Yes.

No. 

James doesn’t know. 

Yes, absolutely he wants to go home. He wants to curl up in his mother’s arms and cry out all of his emotions like he would do as a little kid. No, he shouldn’t go home. It’s not his anymore, he’s not the same James that grew up there. He simply doesn’t know. Is his house even home anymore? Will they somehow be able to tell what he’s done as soon as he walks through the doorway? 

“I should.” Whether he would be welcome or not, whether they can read the expression on his face or not, he has to go back. Not going would only make it worse. 

Regulus brings his lips to gently kiss James’ forehead. He doesn’t know when they swapped places, when he became the one who needed to be comforted. When his boyfriend took on the protective role that used to suit James so perfectly. Now isn’t the time for him to dissect it, he’s just happy that he has him. At least someone still thinks he’s worth something. 

“Write to me if you need anything, I’ll be there in a second if you do. Okay? I’ll see you on the train in six weeks. I love you.”

“I love you, Regulus.”

It’s unbearably hot outside, the temperature not cooling since yesterday at all. He’s sweating in the jumper he took from Regulus, but that’s just how things will be now. It will just have to be something he gets used to. It doesn’t take long for him to apparate home, but it takes what feels like hours to walk in the door. The sun has only been up for an hour or so, if he’s lucky everyone in the house will still be asleep. He could just slip inside and up to his room, pretend to wake up at a reasonable time and go down for breakfast. 

James is apparently not a lucky person. 

He pushes the door open and is bombarded by Effie who pulls him into a tight hug. “Where have you been? Are you alright? We’ve been so worried, sweetheart.”

This is what he’s been dreading. How does he answer any of it? This is his mum, the best person he has ever known, the sweetest and kindest soul. James has never wanted to disappoint her, though he knows he has. He can’t tell her where he’s been, he has to make something up. It’s the best thing he can do. The sick feeling returns to his stomach, even if there is nothing left for him to throw up. James pushes it all down and takes a deep breath.

It’s the first of many lies he will undoubtedly have to tell. “I just couldn’t sleep, I’m sorry I worried you. I went for a run.” It comes out much easier than it should. 

“Oh Jamie, in this heat? In the middle of the night? Are you sure you haven’t lost your mind? Sirius woke me up worried because you were missing…” She doesn't let go of him, but she pulls back to look into his eyes. His eyes that are puffy and bloodshot from the tears he cried all night. 

“I’m sure mum. It’s alright.” If things were easy, he would just let go of the hug. 

He knows that she won’t let go first.  She never has. He just can’t. The feeling of her arms holding him is one he never wants to forget, he just wants it to last forever. If he never lets go, then he never has to face what lies ahead. James buries his face in her shoulder, and knows instantly that she knows he isn’t okay. She holds him close to her chest all the same. 

Effie would never say anything bad to him, no matter how upset she is. If he needed her to, she would stand here for hours holding him up, bearing the weight of everything that keeps pushing down on him. It’s far more than he deserves now, this he is sure of. James can be selfish today, right? He doesn’t have anyone to ask that to other than himself, and he wants to be self indulgent. He wants to cling to his mother like he’s a child while he still can, before he loses her too.

He’s too young for all of this. Everything became so messy, and he just can’t handle it. James always found the best in people, and that might just be where he went wrong. When Sirius carried on like everything was fine, James just believed it. He was optimistic, he never thought this is how things would go. Regulus was supposed to get out and come back with him, he was supposed to have helped him and kept everything that is dear to him. Instead he fell for the lies that Sirius told him. Sirius continued to change what he expected of James, he apologized time and time again, but never did anything more. If it weren’t for him, maybe things would have gone differently. If he could have trusted James, but then again, maybe James shouldn’t have trusted him. 

Against his will tears slip from his eyes and trail down his cheeks. He doesn’t want his mum to see him cry, but as his tears hit her shoulder where he is now hiding, there’s no keeping that from her. She doesn’t seem to mind, she comforts like any mother would.

She wouldn’t if she knew, James has to remind himself. 

The more love he is shown, the more James tries to trick himself into thinking that everything is fine. As much as he knows it’s not, it would be nice to be able to pretend for just a moment. It’s not easy to pretend, but it’s not any easier to bare the truth for all to see. So he reminds himself of the truth, while putting on a show. That’s all James has left to give. 

Not far from where they stand, the stairs creak under the weight of someone. James knows instantly it’s Sirius. He’s known the sound of his footsteps for years, it would be impossible for him to miss it. His eyes squeeze shut and he tries to force the tears to stop, at least for now. He can continue crying later, but right now he can’t show that weakness, that vulnerability. 

James looks up and meets Sirius’ tired eyes from across the room. Neither says anything. Sirius stares into his eyes, as if looking for answers. He won’t find them there, James thinks. After a few moments, his eyes flick from James’ eyes to his arm, and then back. It’s so quick. Blink and you miss it.

James didn’t blink though, and neither did Sirius.